Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.

[SwordGuy]

Having room and board for a year covered by someone else would allow anyone who really wanted to make financial progress to make a lot more headway.   It's easily a savings of $12,000 a year, and in some areas, way more.

That's a lot of debt that could be paid down or a lot of savings that could be set aside!    Or a down-payment for a house in my area.

It's so sad that some folks don't take advantage of the opportunity, they just take advantage of their host.

[sonofsven]

DW's uncle is a character who has consistently shown his ego and his willingness to do anything for attention and resources.

About 20 years ago, the house he lived in burned down, and he received a very large insurance payout for the SF home. He talked about how grateful he was to be alive, reveling in the attention, and about how he had "luckily" removed everything of value just days before and had boarded his animals when it happened. The majority of the family still thinks it was intentional.

About 10 years ago, he started a nonprofit dedicated to equal rights for a particular cross-section of marginalized peoples. He went on a slew of speaking engagements, often making the conversation about himself, and receiving numerous donations (including a rather large one from the founder of ebay). After winning "person of the year" from organizations that also support this movement, he was promptly removed as the leader of the non-profit because $50k had seemingly disappeared and he was the only person with access to it.

In the time since, he has entered into multiple frivolous lawsuits, typically suing the city in which he lives, seeking millions of dollars in damages. He tried unsuccessfully to get ppp loans during COVID for a business that has never made any money and only employs him. He constantly tried to pull me into his business ideas, which I won't touch with a ten foot pole.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, when DW's grandma passed away (after three months in hospice at the age of 93). As the family has been going through the estate (that has almost nothing in it), they have found so far that:

• Uncle is an authorized user on all of her accounts, and has sent transfers to his accounts over a dozen times
• Uncle is on the title of her car, and is currently using it as collateral on a loan he has
• Uncle called DW's mom the day Grandma died to ask if Mom wanted to go to dinner because he "found $80 in their mom's wallet"
• Uncle had already removed countless items from the house without speaking to anyone
• Uncle wrote and published an obituary, about which he spoke with no one, and the whole thing is about him (and how he cared for her throughout her late struggles) -- he moved into her basement and lived there for free over the past decade or so while he took advantage of her
• Uncle suddenly found her will, for which he is the executor

As an outsider, I have found the entire thing fairly amusing, because I've known the man for 13 years, and predicted something like this was likely to happen. I've told DW multiple times over the past two weeks that it baffles me that people will fight over almost nothing (there's no house, no financial assets, one car, and a few things in the house). I witnessed a fight over a set of cups, about which Uncle said over and over: "these are collector's items; they're going for $40 apiece right now."

Shit be crazy, as they say.

My uncle, who is passed now, pulled similar stunts. He also moved in with his mother near her end and was a little loose with her money. My father was the executor so of course he reduced his brother's share accordingly, after going through the records.
A few years later my father received a tearful phone call from a woman none of us knew, asking very pointed questions about his brother and what property he owned (he didn't own any property).
Turns out she had a whirlwind affair with my uncle and got married, but he had told her a complete set of fabrications about his life; one, that he was a retired race car driver, two that he owned a lot of valuable waterfront property, and others, too, I'm sure.
 He even drove her to the property and showed it to her. It wasn't far from the family waterfront property, which my dad bought.
She learned that everything he told her was a lie, and the marriage was annulled.

[Capsu78]

For those that can't get enough inheritance storys, there is a new series on Netflix called "The Gentleman" that plot sets up in E1 t the reading of a will in a dysfunctional family.  Its a Guy Richie work so fair warning - ITS VIOLENT- but I found the story line to be a very clever one involving gangsters, drug dealers and other nefarious types. 

[Dicey]

For those that can't get enough inheritance storys, there is a new series on Netflix called "The Gentleman" that plot sets up in E1 t the reading of a will in a dysfunctional family.  Its a Guy Richie work so fair warning - ITS VIOLENT- but I found the story line to be a very clever one involving gangsters, drug dealers and other nefarious types.

I almost watched it today, but I really wanted to take a nap, so I watched a Christmas Romance instead, thinking I'd fall asleep. Alas, it was surprisingly entertaining, so no nap. I figured I'd have to be on my toes to follow a Guy Ritchie plot. Thanks for the confirmation.

P.S. I'm no pro at these holiday romances. I think it was called "Christmas Holiday in the Vineyards" or some such.

[iris lily]

For those that can't get enough inheritance storys, there is a new series on Netflix called "The Gentleman" that plot sets up in E1 t the reading of a will in a dysfunctional family.  Its a Guy Richie work so fair warning - ITS VIOLENT- but I found the story line to be a very clever one involving gangsters, drug dealers and other nefarious types.

I almost watched it today, but I really wanted to take a nap, so I watched a Christmas Romance instead, thinking I'd fall asleep. Alas, it was surprisingly entertaining, so no nap. I figured I'd have to be on my toes to follow a Guy Ritchie plot. Thanks for the confirmation.

P.S. I'm no pro at these holiday romances. I think it was called "Christmas in the Vineyards" or some such.

Are you talking about “a Christmas vintage? “ That was shot in my hometown. It is available on Prime.

DH watched it in our  Old downtown movie theater when they showed it to us locals. There was audience participation with everyone saying out loud things like “ oh, there’s my house! “Or “there’s Sarah standing in that crowd “and etc.

I watched it on streaming so that I can fast-forward through most of it. I only wanted to see the scenery. My hometown has 13 wineries and so old Victorian winery buildings are a prominent part of our architecture.

[Dicey]

For those that can't get enough inheritance storys, there is a new series on Netflix called "The Gentleman" that plot sets up in E1 t the reading of a will in a dysfunctional family.  Its a Guy Richie work so fair warning - ITS VIOLENT- but I found the story line to be a very clever one involving gangsters, drug dealers and other nefarious types.

I almost watched it today, but I really wanted to take a nap, so I watched a Christmas Romance instead, thinking I'd fall asleep. Alas, it was surprisingly entertaining, so no nap. I figured I'd have to be on my toes to follow a Guy Ritchie plot. Thanks for the confirmation.

P.S. I'm no pro at these holiday romances. I think it was called "Christmas in the Vineyards" or some such.

Are you talking about “a Christmas vintage? “ That was shot in my hometown. It is available on Prime.

DH watched it in our  Old downtown movie theater when they showed it to us locals. There was audience participation with everyone saying out loud things like “ oh, there’s my house! “Or “there’s Sarah standing in that crowd “and etc.

I watched it on streaming so that I can fast-forward through most of it. I only wanted to see the scenery. My hometown has 13 wineries and so old Victorian winery buildings are a prominent part of our architecture.

It was called "Holiday in the Vineyards. It sure looked like California to me. Not a Victorian in sight.

[iris lily]

For those that can't get enough inheritance storys, there is a new series on Netflix called "The Gentleman" that plot sets up in E1 t the reading of a will in a dysfunctional family.  Its a Guy Richie work so fair warning - ITS VIOLENT- but I found the story line to be a very clever one involving gangsters, drug dealers and other nefarious types.

I almost watched it today, but I really wanted to take a nap, so I watched a Christmas Romance instead, thinking I'd fall asleep. Alas, it was surprisingly entertaining, so no nap. I figured I'd have to be on my toes to follow a Guy Ritchie plot. Thanks for the confirmation.

P.S. I'm no pro at these holiday romances. I think it was called "Christmas in the Vineyards" or some such.

Are you talking about “a Christmas vintage? “ That was shot in my hometown. It is available on Prime.

DH watched it in our  Old downtown movie theater when they showed it to us locals. There was audience participation with everyone saying out loud things like “ oh, there’s my house! “Or “there’s Sarah standing in that crowd “and etc.

I watched it on streaming so that I can fast-forward through most of it. I only wanted to see the scenery. My hometown has 13 wineries and so old Victorian winery buildings are a prominent part of our architecture.

It was called "Holiday in the Vineyards. It sure looked like California to me. Not a Victorian in sight.

Oh, ok. I didnt find the film you watched but there are several on Prime with the words  “Holiday, Christmas, Vintage, Winery”  so that must be a sub genre of romance films.

I do not recommend the one shot in my home town. Not watchable, really.

[iluvzbeach]

For those that can't get enough inheritance storys, there is a new series on Netflix called "The Gentleman" that plot sets up in E1 t the reading of a will in a dysfunctional family.  Its a Guy Richie work so fair warning - ITS VIOLENT- but I found the story line to be a very clever one involving gangsters, drug dealers and other nefarious types.

I almost watched it today, but I really wanted to take a nap, so I watched a Christmas Romance instead, thinking I'd fall asleep. Alas, it was surprisingly entertaining, so no nap. I figured I'd have to be on my toes to follow a Guy Ritchie plot. Thanks for the confirmation.

P.S. I'm no pro at these holiday romances. I think it was called "Christmas in the Vineyards" or some such.

Are you talking about “a Christmas vintage? “ That was shot in my hometown. It is available on Prime.

DH watched it in our  Old downtown movie theater when they showed it to us locals. There was audience participation with everyone saying out loud things like “ oh, there’s my house! “Or “there’s Sarah standing in that crowd “and etc.

I watched it on streaming so that I can fast-forward through most of it. I only wanted to see the scenery. My hometown has 13 wineries and so old Victorian winery buildings are a prominent part of our architecture.

It was called "Holiday in the Vineyards. It sure looked like California to me. Not a Victorian in sight.

Oh, ok. I didnt find the film you watched but there are several on Prime with the words  “Holiday, Christmas, Vintage, Winery”  so that must be a sub genre of romance films.

I do not recommend the one shot in my home town. Not watchable, really.

iris lily, I tried to watch "A Christmas Vintage" over the weekend after seeing the comments here.  Tried is the key word.  After about 10 minutes, I turned it off and removed it from my watchlist.  I'm sure the scenary was nice but since I live in a victorian town in the middle of wine country, it isn't anything I don't see on a regular basis.

[By the River]

Hallmark filmed My Southern Family Christmas movie in my Louisiana hometown.  I know a couple of people that appeared in the crowd scenes.  Outside scenes filmed in June in 90+ temperature and humidity. 

[iris lily]

For those that can't get enough inheritance storys, there is a new series on Netflix called "The Gentleman" that plot sets up in E1 t the reading of a will in a dysfunctional family.  Its a Guy Richie work so fair warning - ITS VIOLENT- but I found the story line to be a very clever one involving gangsters, drug dealers and other nefarious types.

I almost watched it today, but I really wanted to take a nap, so I watched a Christmas Romance instead, thinking I'd fall asleep. Alas, it was surprisingly entertaining, so no nap. I figured I'd have to be on my toes to follow a Guy Ritchie plot. Thanks for the confirmation.

P.S. I'm no pro at these holiday romances. I think it was called "Christmas in the Vineyards" or some such.

Are you talking about “a Christmas vintage? “ That was shot in my hometown. It is available on Prime.

DH watched it in our  Old downtown movie theater when they showed it to us locals. There was audience participation with everyone saying out loud things like “ oh, there’s my house! “Or “there’s Sarah standing in that crowd “and etc.

I watched it on streaming so that I can fast-forward through most of it. I only wanted to see the scenery. My hometown has 13 wineries and so old Victorian winery buildings are a prominent part of our architecture.

It was called "Holiday in the Vineyards. It sure looked like California to me. Not a Victorian in sight.

Oh, ok. I didnt find the film you watched but there are several on Prime with the words  “Holiday, Christmas, Vintage, Winery”  so that must be a sub genre of romance films.

I do not recommend the one shot in my home town. Not watchable, really.

iris lily, I tried to watch "A Christmas Vintage" over the weekend after seeing the comments here.  Tried is the key word.  After about 10 minutes, I turned it off and removed it from my watchlist.  I'm sure the scenary was nice but since I live in a victorian town in the middle of wine country, it isn't anything I don't see on a regular basis.

Haha, thanks for trying!

[partgypsy]

Thanks for sharing the posts. Don't really have anything to add. My situation is, my brother (who is the homeowner) has my sister and Mom living there for free. Basically, he is supporting them. My mom pays for groceries for her and my sister, maybe a couple bills? Sis works limited hours that is pocket change and contributes 0 money to household, for years. She does help mom with groc shopping and meals (but again is paid that way including cig purchases) mom has needed increased help in past year and a half, but sisters lack of work and financial dep very much predates that. My sister now says, when mom dies she should get 100% of inheritance. She works extremely limited hours. I am unclear whether she is even eligible for social sec, and if so how much, due to work history. I feel and have told her, she should really focus on working more so she is eligible for social sec. My brother is also fed up w the situation.

[Tasse]

Congratulations on not getting yourself into the mess your brother is currently in.

[partgypsy]

Congratulations on not getting yourself into the mess your brother is currently in.

. My sister complained that, she can't leave mom bc she might fall. So I got a guardian alert thing, paid for a year up front. No change to sisters work habits. Even mom says she can be left alone...I also find it extremely frustrating, that much if not all of Mom's medical issues are from, poor diet (she basically wants to live off desserts) no exercise, and taking her medications apparently at random. It is not my sister's fault (she is more patient than I). Just that, sister also not working just puts more stress on my brother, and guilt on my mom for no benefit other than sister being able to claim martyr status. I don't care if I get a cut. But I feel that my brother has been screwed in this situation.

[Villanelle]

Congratulations on not getting yourself into the mess your brother is currently in.

. My sister complained that, she can't leave mom bc she might fall. So I got a guardian alert thing, paid for a year up front. No change to sisters work habits. Even mom says she can be left alone...I also find it extremely frustrating, that much if not all of Mom's medical issues are from, poor diet (she basically wants to live off desserts) no exercise, and taking her medications apparently at random. It is not my sister's fault (she is more patient than I). Just that, sister also not working just puts more stress on my brother, and guilt on my mom for no benefit other than sister being able to claim martyr status. I don't care if I get a cut. But I feel that my brother has been screwed in this situation.

It does sound like he's currently getting screwed, and if your mom leaves everything to the freeloading sister, that seems even more unfair to me.  (Yes, I know that no one is entitled to an inheritance, of course.)  But the other side of this is that your brother continues to sing on for the current situation.  He could ask your sister to leave, insist she find a way to contribute if she stays, or set some other boundary and he decides not to.  While I know "throw your sister out" is easier said than done, he choice continues to enable her refusal to find a job, so it may not be the favor to her or good deed that it feels like.  So he's not exactly a victim in all this, either. 

But I say roughly the same things about MIL, who continues to let BIL freeload (and claim the same martyr status, though in his case, MIL is perfectly able-bodied and quite healthy for someone in her 70s).  I have strong feelings about BIL's willingness to continue the arrangement, but I also recognize that MIL clearly gets something out of it or she wouldn't allow it to continue.  Even if the "something" is avoiding a hard conversation with BIL, and possibly seeing him struggle (or even fail) to stand on his own two feet, she has decided that the juice isn't worth the squeeze and therefore allows the status quo.  I have some sympathy for her because I'm sure having a failure-to-launch (or launched-briefly-then-divorced-and-returned-to-the-launch-pad-and-never-took-flight-again) son is painful and disappointing and sad.  But she makes her choices and then lives in them. 

[NorthernIkigai]

Thanks for sharing the posts. Don't really have anything to add. My situation is, my brother (who is the homeowner) has my sister and Mom living there for free. Basically, he is supporting them. My mom pays for groceries for her and my sister, maybe a couple bills? Sis works limited hours that is pocket change and contributes 0 money to household, for years. She does help mom with groc shopping and meals (but again is paid that way including cig purchases) mom has needed increased help in past year and a half, but sisters lack of work and financial dep very much predates that. My sister now says, when mom dies she should get 100% of inheritance. She works extremely limited hours. I am unclear whether she is even eligible for social sec, and if so how much, due to work history. I feel and have told her, she should really focus on working more so she is eligible for social sec. My brother is also fed up w the situation.

My feelings about this depend a bit on what size inheritance we are talking about. If large, I'd be pissed (being you or your brother). If not, meh. Except I might still require your sister to pay a bit of rent, if I were your brother (necessitating her to work more), and also possibly make it clear that the arrangement of her living there will not continue once your mother is gone (if that's the case).

[partgypsy]

I dk the exact amount but it is not large. If my mom died tomorrow somewhere between 50-100k. Despite having no housing costs, a healthy ss income, she spends a ton on groceries, never put it in anything other than a low yield savings acct, also paid a 30k dental bill of my sister's. It is likely there will be a trivial or no amount left by the time she dies, so my sister obsessing about this vs like, getting a job w more hours mystifies me. I also feel, Mom should just give lil brother a cash gift to reduce his carrying costs. He's already said he would prefer to downsize to a solo apartment than this situation, but feels "stuck".

[Taran Wanderer]

DW’s grandmother passed away recently at 99, almost 100. Grandpa died several years ago. After lifetime of careful saving and low consumption, she is leaving a sizeable chunk of the money. It looks like it will be split 50/50 between FIL and his brother, avoiding drama that we thought might happen there. FIL and MIL have also been careful savers and consumers, so this money will bump up their net worth, but not change their lives - they don’t even spend what they could now.

The drama part (and it’s not really that dramatic) is that they’re probably going to hand the money to their obnoxious (we went to school together) financial advisor who will make a pretty penny off of it with no value-added. They could start thinking about gifting to the grandkids, for example into their 529 accounts. This would be nice for us and super super nice for SIL and her family. Instead, DW and I expect they’ll sit on it and end up splitting it between DW and SIL in 20-25 years rather than get some joy out of helping build their grandkids’ futures, and taking family vacations, or something else meaningful to them while they are alive.

In the end, it’s none of my business, and I’ll keep my mouth shut, but it’s a good reminder to me to not be a miser. Resources like these are something to do good with, whatever that good is to you and the people closest to you.

[SwordGuy]

In the end, it’s none of my business, and I’ll keep my mouth shut, but it’s a good reminder to me to not be a miser. Resources like these are something to do good with, whatever that good is to you and the people closest to you.

Money doesn't change people, it just enables them to be more of what they truly are.

Good job, you, for getting it right!

[partgypsy]

DW’s grandmother passed away recently at 99, almost 100. Grandpa died several years ago. After lifetime of careful saving and low consumption, she is leaving a sizeable chunk of the money. It looks like it will be split 50/50 between FIL and his brother, avoiding drama that we thought might happen there. FIL and MIL have also been careful savers and consumers, so this money will bump up their net worth, but not change their lives - they don’t even spend what they could now.

The drama part (and it’s not really that dramatic) is that they’re probably going to hand the money to their obnoxious (we went to school together) financial advisor who will make a pretty penny off of it with no value-added. They could start thinking about gifting to the grandkids, for example into their 529 accounts. This would be nice for us and super super nice for SIL and her family. Instead, DW and I expect they’ll sit on it and end up splitting it between DW and SIL in 20-25 years rather than get some joy out of helping build their grandkids’ futures, and taking family vacations, or something else meaningful to them while they are alive.

In the end, it’s none of my business, and I’ll keep my mouth shut, but it’s a good reminder to me to not be a miser. Resources like these are something to do good with, whatever that good is to you and the people closest to you.

It's not your place to say anything. But your spouse can certainly talk to her parents about the situation. at the very least say if giving gifts to kids here is info to college savings accounts. And that it is now possible to have a nice family vacation, with the inheritance, and be good to do before got too old to enjoy it.

[Taran Wanderer]

Unfortunately FIL is not receptive to conversation with DW or MIL or anyone really. He’s a loving father and grandfather and very responsible and we’re lucky to have him, but he’s been so careful and so responsible for so long that he has forgotten about the why. 

[Siebrie]

Future inheritance drama:

my parents changed their Wills about 7 years ago, leaving everything to each other, making me executor of the Will of the last person to pass away. I have a sister, who went no-contact about 10 years ago; contact between sister and parents has tentatively been re-established about 4 year ago. My parents like to be completely open about such things, so they informed my sister about 3 years ago of the new Wills and that I am executor. Sister was decidedly unhappy, and even offered to pay for new Wills. Parents declined, and said that as it was sister's decision to go no-contact, they did not think it was wise to give her any final say in the distribution of the inheritance.

My Father passed away in May 2023. Everything was inherited by our Mother, no problems there. But: sister has again put pressure on our Mother to change her Will. She is accusing our Mother of favouritism, and is so jealous/mistrustful that she has hacked our Mother's telephone and tablet (with the help of a cousin). I expect arguments and maybe even a lawsuit when the time comes.....

[lhamo]

Future inheritance drama:

my parents changed their Wills about 7 years ago, leaving everything to each other, making me executor of the Will of the last person to pass away. I have a sister, who went no-contact about 10 years ago; contact between sister and parents has tentatively been re-established about 4 year ago. My parents like to be completely open about such things, so they informed my sister about 3 years ago of the new Wills and that I am executor. Sister was decidedly unhappy, and even offered to pay for new Wills. Parents declined, and said that as it was sister's decision to go no-contact, they did not think it was wise to give her any final say in the distribution of the inheritance.

My Father passed away in May 2023. Everything was inherited by our Mother, no problems there. But: sister has again put pressure on our Mother to change her Will. She is accusing our Mother of favouritism, and is so jealous/mistrustful that she has hacked our Mother's telephone and tablet (with the help of a cousin). I expect arguments and maybe even a lawsuit when the time comes.....

This doesn't quite make sense -- the executor role is administrative, implementing the wishes of the deceased according to the will or trust.  The executor does not usually have any say in where the assets go, just the responsibility of making sure they go where they are supposed to and that all the taxes are paid, etc.  So your sister should be happy you are doing all the paperwork!

Do you mean that they designated you sole beneficiary of all their assets?  And wrote her out? 

I understand you want your parents' wishes to be respected, but it might be wise to advise your mom to at least leave SOMETHING to the sister now that contact has been resumed.  It will save you time/money/headaches/further angst down the road if she isn't written out entirely.  Or, if the size of the estate allows for it, you could just gift her something down the road.

[Siebrie]

No, you're correct, it's an admin role; the inheritance will be divided 50/50. Sister is really ... eh .... mistrustful / jealous / feels pushed out / .... It's really a her-problem; there is no reason for her to feel this way. She's adopted, she has a '0 or 100' character (no in-between feelings), she is a go-getter and can do anything she sets her mind to, her second husband makes more money than she can spend, nice car, nice house. I'm more laid-back and don't care that much about money / cars / clothes / jewelry.
The problems were always there, but smaller, until I met my now-husband when I was 35, got married and had 2 children, which my parents then helped babysit. Before, they were always available to babysit her 3 children, and now they sometimes had to decline. Sister was no longer the middle point of our family life and she took it hard.
My parents have always been strictly financially equal to both of us; if they helped one of us out, it came with either a contract to pay it back, or a donation to the other child of the same amount.

[lhamo]

Maybe ask your mom to consider making her executrix?  Less work for you, same money, she gets her feathers stroked....

[Sibley]

Wait, your sister hacked into your mother's phone and tablet?!? That is not ok, and your sister can cause serious problems for your mom by doing that sort of thing. That's very close to criminal territory.

[SwordGuy]

Wait, your sister hacked into your mother's phone and tablet?!? That is not ok, and your sister can cause serious problems for your mom by doing that sort of thing. That's very close to criminal territory.

Which means that she should NEVER EVER be trusted as an executor.  Period.

Or, frankly, be trusted at all.

[AdrianC]

No, you're correct, it's an admin role; the inheritance will be divided 50/50.

Our dad named my brother as sole executor, with inheritance divided 50/50. It made sense due to where we all live(d). In your case it makes sense due to sister's past behavior. It will all work out, I think. My advice, from my experience being on the other side, is when the time comes to keep your sister well informed. Send her copies of any documents, keep her in the loop. It's stressful. More information is better.

[Sandi_k]

Maybe ask your mom to consider making her executrix?  Less work for you, same money, she gets her feathers stroked....

Nope, nope, nope. There is no one keeping up with the estate distribution to make sure it goes as directed, and wills + cash + jewelry can disappear easily.

@Siebrie - make sure you have the original copy of the will and trust. Do not leave it at your parents' place, If she's already hacked this stuff, she can forge emails to attorneys and create all kinds of mischief. IIWY, I would reset all passwords, and set up new accounts to which she doesn't have access - and which has your phone number as the 2FA link.

[iluvzbeach]

Yes to exactly what Sandi_k says. It sounds like there is too much risk that the sister could try to get mom to change the will in her favor. No way should she be changed to be the executor.

[Laura33]

Future inheritance drama:

I'm hoping I avoided future inheritance drama, but we'll see.  My mom and stepdad had a deal:  his two kids got his retirement savings; I got my mom's retirement savings; and then we all split the remainder 3 ways.

I am already getting a lot more, because (1) there's only 1 of me, (2) she was the saver, and (3) my stepdad died over a decade ago, whereas my mom's savings not only continue to grow, she continues to work and contribute to her retirement account.

She recently had a health scare and so dove in and made lists of the different accounts and such and came over to talk to me.  And she immediately says, "I was trying to think of ways to give you more."  And I just cut her off flat -- NO.  You are not going to do that. 

It's a total eye-roll.  I mean, she adores her stepkids (they've been part of the family since they were teeny), thinks of their kids as her grandkids, etc.  But she has this freaking blind spot about leaving her money to me.  And I don't even need it!

Luckily, I'm also the executor (and trustee for the grandkids' educational trust), so if she goes and does something stupid, I will find a way to even it out.  But sheesh.

[Siebrie]

Thanks for the support!

I plan to be completely open, just as my Mum is now. Sister is not getting any final say, because she is very streetwise and not trusted to divide the inheritance 50/50, nor to actually sign off on anything with or without extortion ('I'll only sign off if you [X]').

The Will is filed at the Notary's.

10 years ago, my parents had started clearing the house they have lived in for 50 years. Nothing major, but a drawer or cupboard a week or month. My Dad passed away in May 2023 and Mum has just continued; every time we visit there is a box of items for us (both of us: Sis and I, but not at the same time) to look through, that she then takes to the local thrift shop. Most of Dad's hobby items have been sold by Sis' husband together with a nephew and the money returned to Mum (that she then split and gave to the 5 grandchildren). She regularly asks if there is anything in the house we would like to receive 'after'. She is 87 and has 3 forms of cancer, but does not let those facts rule her life; her social calendar is very full. She misses my Dad, but is very calm about it; his passing at 80 is a fact of life; they discussed regularly that they have had a good life and if it's time to go, that's fine.

I'll bring up PoA (medical and legal) sometime this summer.

[Zamboni]

Help. My Mom died yesterday, and I am the executor.

Even before my Mom died my SIL started hauling important stuff out of her home. The lockbox with the will and a couple thousand dollars of cash, for example. Firearms. You get the idea. I haven't even seen the will . . . because she has taken it. But everyone seems to know I'm executor.

Her reasoning out loud has been that "hooligans will break in and take things." Mmmkay.

How do I tactfully let her know that I would like to have those items put back in the home while I grieve and have time to start sorting out what I am supposed to do as executor? Siblings and I get along well and I trust them and I'm going to need their help to keep sorting through all this, but SIL removing things is definitely bothering me. Probably need to have a heart-to-heart with my brother (her spouse) about this.

[okits]

My condolences, @Zamboni .  I am tremendously sorry for you to have lost both your parents in the space of a few months. 

I hope someone experienced has some useful advice for you.  I haven't dealt with a similar situation, but I do know parental death didn't bring out the best in my family members.  I hope your family can behave better towards each other.

Again, my sympathies.  You have been through so much and I'm sorry that is the case.

[iluvzbeach]

@Zamboni you've been on my mind lately & when I saw there was an update to this thread I thought “I need to reach out to Zamboni to see how things are going.” I was completely shocked to see it was you who had made the most recent post. I’m so very sorry to hear your mother has passed & that SIL has removed property from the home. This is unacceptable and it really stinks you’ve got this added stress to deal with. I don’t have any specific advice to offer but do want to extend my condolences on your loss. Both parents in the span of just a few months is too much. Internet hugs.

[NorthernIkigai]

So sorry for your loss!

Her reasoning out loud has been that "hooligans will break in and take things." Mmmkay.

I guess she was right...

Yes, do talk your brother.

[former player]

So sorry for your loss!

Her reasoning out loud has been that "hooligans will break in and take things." Mmmkay.

I guess she was right...

Yes, do talk your brother.

Hooigans committing burglary is a serious criminal matter, perhaps your SIL should be taking her evidence of this to the police.

[DeniseNJ]

Help. My Mom died yesterday, and I am the executor.

Even before my Mom died my SIL started hauling important stuff out of her home. The lockbox with the will and a couple thousand dollars of cash, for example. Firearms. You get the idea. I haven't even seen the will . . . because she has taken it. But everyone seems to know I'm executor.

Her reasoning out loud has been that "hooligans will break in and take things." Mmmkay.

How do I tactfully let her know that I would like to have those items put back in the home while I grieve and have time to start sorting out what I am supposed to do as executor? Siblings and I get along well and I trust them and I'm going to need their help to keep sorting through all this, but SIL removing things is definitely bothering me. Probably need to have a heart-to-heart with my brother (her spouse) about this.

I'm so sorry.  Call your brother and tell him you are coming over this afternoon to pick up the things your SIL took out of the house. Then text everyone and say, "Please don't remove anything from the home until we have discussed it and I have had time to review the will. Thank you."

[Villanelle]

If you aren't willing to write this off, then I'd call brother and tell him that if the contents aren't returned within 72 hours, and SIL doesn't stay 100% out of the home, you will report the thefts to the police. (or tell him you are coming to get it, with the some outcome if it's not all available).  If you get a copy of the will that says you are executor, text everyone telling them that and explaining that nothing can be removed from the home and no one should enter it, without notifying the group at least 72 hours in advance, until everyone has had time to read and evaluate the will and understand everyone's roles and entitlements.  If no one knows the executor yet, send a similar text, advising everyone that until an executor is determined, no one should enter or take anything.  It can help if you get any other interested parties on board beforehand so they understand the context and send agreeable responses.   

If you are in the area, you might consider putting padlocks on all the entries, if it's worth it to you to fully stop this. 

[SunnyDays]

Oh no, I'm sorry so to hear this Zamboni!  Strangely enough, I had been thinking of you the past few days, and wondering how you were.  You've had a lot to deal with in a short amount of time.  Best wishes getting through this and I hope it's calmer on the other side of it.

Also, what Villanelle said.

[Zamboni]

Thank you for your thoughtful words and helpful suggestions, everyone. I really appreciate it.

I talked to my brother and SIL is getting on his nerves with all of this also. Her parents are alive and well and it's clear she has no idea what we are going through. To date she has suggested that pretty much every item of value be given to her kids. She even called a moving company this morning and got a quote to have one of the biggest ticket items moved to her house. I was open to her having this item eventually (she had the nerve to ask me about it in the last few days of my Mom's life), but it is quite valuable, the value needs to be assessed, and her rushing to take things is getting old really, really fast.

I've asked her to stop and I will ask her to stop again if needed and eventually I will stop being nice about it. I don't want to have to change the locks because the house is a mess and we are trying to clean out expired food (it's pretty much all expired), garbage, mountains of old magazines etc. I hope it doesn't come to changing the locks.

The lock box has been brought back, but I haven't even had time to look in it . . . . because we are planning the funeral today.

[MaybeBabyMustache]

I'm so sorry, @Zamboni . Both for the loss of your mom, and having to deal with your SIL. I'd definitely send out a group text/email to set expectations, and work with your brother to be clear about process.

[reeshau]

My condolences, also.

Ar least your brother isn't simply defending SIL.  (Although, why didn't he stop her...?)

Hopefully, she will calm down with some expectations set, with rough timing.  You are certainly entitled to grieve first.  Also, talking to everyone is a good idea tomshow this isn't just about her.

I have not gone through this yet, but I am preparing to.  I found the Nolo Executor's Guide did a good job laying out the process, and pointing out State-specifoc things.

[Taran Wanderer]

@Zamboni - I’m sorry you’re going through this.  After reading and following this thread for so long, I’ve come to understand and appreciate the importance of butting out, which is what the SIL should be doing.  We’ve recently had a couple of deaths in our family.  In one case, it was a close family friend with no close family of his own.  DM and her husband (DSD?) have been doing all the work for the estate, with DSD as the executor.  He was a beloved community member who drew a couple hundred people to his memorial (without family!), but he was a simple guy with a small house and an uncontested estate primarily directed to several non-profits.  The amount of work for DSD and DM to take care of everything has been immense.  If you do turn out to be the executor, as you expect, you have enough on your hands without others mucking it up.  I’ll be thinking of you and hoping for the smoothest possible process.  Take care of yourself in this difficult time, take the time you need to be executor with thought and care, and don’t be afraid to put your foot down regarding appropriate behaviors and patience from those around you.

[Dicey]

I am so sorry for your loss. You did right by your mother all the way to the end.

It's not unheard of for relatives to raid the decedent's house during the funeral or when the responsible parties are distracted. I'm not sure how a lockbox will help unless she doesn't have a key, which seems highly unlikely. I'd strongly and kindly suggest re-keying the locks asap. Also have a trusted person monitor the house as much as possible.

Short snippet: good sister hid a piece of mom's jewelry for safekeeping from bad sister. When bad sister couldn't find it (because, you know, she wanted it), she called the police, who came to my parent's house. Good sister produced the item and police left. It was a shitshow.

[Sandi_k]

@Zamboni - my condolences. It is so hard to be dealing with drama while you are grieving, too. You've been amazing for your mom, and I hope that you know that.

Your SIL has shown you quite clearly who she is. I would change the locks; it's the only way to ensure that you can carry out your mom's wishes without the BS that your SIL brings. I'm so sorry. :(

[Zamboni]

At least your brother isn't simply defending SIL.  (Although, why didn't he stop her...?)

Hopefully, she will calm down with some expectations set, with rough timing.  You are certainly entitled to grieve first.  Also, talking to everyone is a good idea tomshow this isn't just about her.

I have not gone through this yet, but I am preparing to.  I found the Nolo Executor's Guide did a good job laying out the process, and pointing out State-specifoc things.

Brother had actually told his wife to dial it back. He's wrecked, though. He bore the brunt of caring for our Mom the last couple of months when she refused to leave her home. We loved her but she was a difficult person and she basically dragged him to hell and back. We need to grieve.

Thank you for suggesting that guide book. Finally saw the will this evening. I am the executor (Mom had told everyone I was so this is no surprise). I do need to get something like that book to guide me.

[Laura33]

Oh, Zamboni, I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this.

I'm concerned about the extra burden SIL is placing on your in your role as executor.  You're going to be the one responsible for making sure that the right "things"/money go to the right people.  So if she's taking things that aren't supposed to go to her family, she's putting you in a really difficult situation.

Once you're through the funeral, one of the first things I'd recommend is that you ask all of the siblings for a list of everything they've taken from the house (for "safekeeping" or not).  You can make it one list for all siblings, so she doesn't feel targeted, if you need to.  But you want to know what she has so you can account for it, before she has time to "forget" that she took it -- and then if you find out she took something else that she didn't mention, you've got whatever proof you need to protect yourself.

That role also gives you every right to tell everyone that nothing else can be taken until further notice, because you need to make sure everything is distributed in compliance with the will, and as everyone understands, this is a really emotional time right now, and you need a little time before you'll be able to deal with those decisions.

[mm1970]

Thank you for your thoughtful words and helpful suggestions, everyone. I really appreciate it.

I talked to my brother and SIL is getting on his nerves with all of this also. Her parents are alive and well and it's clear she has no idea what we are going through. To date she has suggested that pretty much every item of value be given to her kids. She even called a moving company this morning and got a quote to have one of the biggest ticket items moved to her house. I was open to her having this item eventually (she had the nerve to ask me about it in the last few days of my Mom's life), but it is quite valuable, the value needs to be assessed, and her rushing to take things is getting old really, really fast.

I've asked her to stop and I will ask her to stop again if needed and eventually I will stop being nice about it. I don't want to have to change the locks because the house is a mess and we are trying to clean out expired food (it's pretty much all expired), garbage, mountains of old magazines etc. I hope it doesn't come to changing the locks.

The lock box has been brought back, but I haven't even had time to look in it . . . . because we are planning the funeral today.

I would recommend changing the locks anyway.  My stepfather died in May, and my sister immediately changed the locks on the house, after taking out some of the valuables (she was the executor). 

BC hooligans will break in.

[NorthernIkigai]

How do (actual, non-relative) hooligans know that the house is empty? And if they are going to break in, I assume they don’t care about whether the locks are old or new. Not trying to be snarky here, I’m honestly confused by this.

[oneday]

How do (actual, non-relative) hooligans know that the house is empty? And if they are going to break in, I assume they don’t care about whether the locks are old or new. Not trying to be snarky here, I’m honestly confused by this.

As I understand it, actual, non-relative hooligans are just the imaginary boogeyman that SIL was using as a pretext for taking the items. There was never any danger of real hooligans. SIL actually fulfilled the role of hooligan, and then used a psychological phenomenon known as projecting in an attempt to cover her tracks.

Changing the locks protects from the real/likely culprits (eg, SIL).