Author Topic: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.  (Read 1029750 times)

Villanelle

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2600 on: June 04, 2021, 08:42:25 AM »
Here is a pretty good discussion of where to put your will over on Bogleheads.

https://www.bogleheads.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=337890

My recent experience tells me wills aren't worth the paper they are printed on, so you might as well just store them in the circular.

The only way to make your inheritor's life not insane upon your death is to make sure *everything* you own has a beneficiary listed. Your bank accounts, your investments, your house, etc.

OR you need to take the time to put everything you own in a living trust and set the beneficiaries there.

A will is nothing more than a way for a deceased person to tell people what their wishes are, it has no legal standing at all as far as I can tell. It can be completely ignored by the courts and even if they are not you still have to get a lawyer and go through probate (which can be very costly).

Not trying to start an argument here - just genuinely curious. Can anyone confirm or deny this? I've never heard of a will being held in such low regard. Are you meaning people can sue and rack up legal fees even with a will? If so, I guess that makes sense - you can sue anything and make a mess of it. If wills truly have "no legal standing" that's kind of an important thing to know.

People can contest the will, but as long as the deceased followed state law in making the will, it will generally hold up in court.

[This website](https://www.thebalance.com/what-are-the-grounds-for-contesting-a-will-3505208) notes four areas where a will might be contested:

1. Not signed in accordance with state law 
2. Lacks mental capacity
3. Influenced by others
4. Will acquired by fraud

People can waste the estate's money and contest a will all they want, but unless they can prove any of those things, it's not likely to change anything.
And if in the meantime your nearest but not dearest have appropriated or trashed all the property left under the will, with the support of your other family members, what do you do?

You do the same thing you'd do if they did that while the person was alive (and against that person's wishes or without your consent).  In many cases, that would mean involving the police.  It doesn't matter, in most senses, whether someone goes in and takes grandma's jewelry and her antique armoire when she's alive or after she has died.  If they aren't legally entitled to those items, it is theft.  They stole from granny, or from granny's estate. 

Now, just as if granny was alive, you have to be able to prove it. 

MilesTeg

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2601 on: June 04, 2021, 03:30:58 PM »
Here is a pretty good discussion of where to put your will over on Bogleheads.

https://www.bogleheads.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=337890

My recent experience tells me wills aren't worth the paper they are printed on, so you might as well just store them in the circular.

The only way to make your inheritor's life not insane upon your death is to make sure *everything* you own has a beneficiary listed. Your bank accounts, your investments, your house, etc.

OR you need to take the time to put everything you own in a living trust and set the beneficiaries there.

A will is nothing more than a way for a deceased person to tell people what their wishes are, it has no legal standing at all as far as I can tell. It can be completely ignored by the courts and even if they are not you still have to get a lawyer and go through probate (which can be very costly).

Not trying to start an argument here - just genuinely curious. Can anyone confirm or deny this? I've never heard of a will being held in such low regard. Are you meaning people can sue and rack up legal fees even with a will? If so, I guess that makes sense - you can sue anything and make a mess of it. If wills truly have "no legal standing" that's kind of an important thing to know.
I suspect it's not a legal problem it's a people problem.  A legal problem approached with good will all around can be solved at a reasonable cost in people's time, money and emotions.  But if someone wants to make things difficult they can obstruct, they can lie, they can misdirect, they can steal, they can gaslight, they can turn other people against reality and justice and they can make any affordable settlement within a reasonable time scale impossible.    Sadly when they do that they often "win" because the price of fighting them is just too high for any reasonble person to do it.

In trying to settle my father's affairs between my sister and I, we've spent 6 months fighting courts and banks and paying a crap ton of money to a lawyer. The will is very straight forward, done properly according to state law, and there's no disagreement of any kind between my sister and I, yet every step of the way we have had to pay out the nose to get it executed and in one case threaten legal action against banks who refused to hand over money despite a will and a court judgement/order.

The investment accounts and bank accounts that had a beneficiary were in our hands with exactly zero trouble, zero expense and no delay other than filling out paperwork and proving our identities.

Like I said: if you want your heirs to not go through hell and pay an absurd amount of money to inherit your assets, you want beneficiaries and/or a living trust on _everything_. Neither you nor your heirs are served by relying on a will.
« Last Edit: June 04, 2021, 03:33:27 PM by MilesTeg »

SwordGuy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2602 on: June 04, 2021, 04:17:59 PM »
Interesting, because I had almost the opposite problem.

I was the executor of my last surviving parent's will.   I hired a lawyer to deal with getting the death certificates and me appointed as the executor by the court.   Cost me a couple hundred dollars.  I could have easily done that myself by driving to the county courthouse where my mom had lived, but that was 6 hours away. 

Once I had those documents I just contacted the relevant institutions and sent them a copy of the death certificate and the letters testamentary (that named me the executor).   With two exceptions, everything was that simple, other than there is no automated answering machine menu option for "Your account holder is dead, I am their legal executor." and sometimes it would take awhile to get a human being on the phone.

The two exceptions were savings bonds and one account I just didn't get to in a timely manner.   I had to get more copies of the letters testamentary with a stamped on date saying they were still in effect for one account.    The only bother on this was that they didn't explain what they wanted clearly and I was ignorant and too busy to deal with it for awhile.

The other was the savings bonds.  We decided to wait a year and a bit for them to mature before cashing them in, but the banks wouldn't cash them in at that point, I had to mail them in to the feds.  (I sent them certified mail, signature required by everyone handling them.)  The feds were the ones that explained what was meant by the other institution, once I understood, I was able to get those funds.

Other than a lot of time on the phone to talk to a human, and even more time to muddle thru the documents to figure out what money was where, the process was simple.

Now, since I was the only beneficiary I didn't have to deal with anyone else and I couldn't steal from myself.   The court has never asked for any documents from me and it's been 6 years.     It's possible they court realized that and saved themselves the bother.  Or it's possible that there just isn't enough supervision.

lhamo

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2603 on: June 05, 2021, 10:56:11 AM »
Here is a pretty good discussion of where to put your will over on Bogleheads.

https://www.bogleheads.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=337890

My recent experience tells me wills aren't worth the paper they are printed on, so you might as well just store them in the circular.

The only way to make your inheritor's life not insane upon your death is to make sure *everything* you own has a beneficiary listed. Your bank accounts, your investments, your house, etc.

OR you need to take the time to put everything you own in a living trust and set the beneficiaries there.

A will is nothing more than a way for a deceased person to tell people what their wishes are, it has no legal standing at all as far as I can tell. It can be completely ignored by the courts and even if they are not you still have to get a lawyer and go through probate (which can be very costly).

Not trying to start an argument here - just genuinely curious. Can anyone confirm or deny this? I've never heard of a will being held in such low regard. Are you meaning people can sue and rack up legal fees even with a will? If so, I guess that makes sense - you can sue anything and make a mess of it. If wills truly have "no legal standing" that's kind of an important thing to know.
I suspect it's not a legal problem it's a people problem.  A legal problem approached with good will all around can be solved at a reasonable cost in people's time, money and emotions.  But if someone wants to make things difficult they can obstruct, they can lie, they can misdirect, they can steal, they can gaslight, they can turn other people against reality and justice and they can make any affordable settlement within a reasonable time scale impossible.    Sadly when they do that they often "win" because the price of fighting them is just too high for any reasonble person to do it.

In trying to settle my father's affairs between my sister and I, we've spent 6 months fighting courts and banks and paying a crap ton of money to a lawyer. The will is very straight forward, done properly according to state law, and there's no disagreement of any kind between my sister and I, yet every step of the way we have had to pay out the nose to get it executed and in one case threaten legal action against banks who refused to hand over money despite a will and a court judgement/order.

The investment accounts and bank accounts that had a beneficiary were in our hands with exactly zero trouble, zero expense and no delay other than filling out paperwork and proving our identities.

Like I said: if you want your heirs to not go through hell and pay an absurd amount of money to inherit your assets, you want beneficiaries and/or a living trust on _everything_. Neither you nor your heirs are served by relying on a will.

If you are willing to disclose which state and/or which banks, that might be more helpful.  Certain states have much more complex processes, which may also give the banks more room to play games.

MilesTeg

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2604 on: June 05, 2021, 11:39:27 AM »

If you are willing to disclose which state and/or which banks, that might be more helpful.  Certain states have much more complex processes, which may also give the banks more room to play games.

Colorado and US Bank.

To be clear, we got it taken care of, but only after threatening the bank manager with legal action. Apparently dispersing money to the executor of the estates with "only court documents and a will" is a "very non-standard practice" according to them. Obviously shady bullshit of course. I don't hold that as a knock against wills, but with us listed as beneficiaries on other accounts the process was pretty much "would you like that as cash, check or money order?" after showing them a death certificate and proof of identity. With investment accounts it was also very straightforward too with only a bit more paperwork due to the need to establish beneficiary accounts, etc.
« Last Edit: June 05, 2021, 11:45:24 AM by MilesTeg »

AMandM

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2605 on: June 05, 2021, 02:44:22 PM »
I suspect it's not a legal problem it's a people problem. 

I agree. From the opposite side, my grandmother died intestate, leaving me and my sisters as her only living close relatives. Under Ontario law, the estate was to be divided equally among us. Fine by us, and we agreed with each other that we'd reimburse our father for some expenses he had incurred on our grandmother's behalf. We found the process pretty simple and not expensive. One sister was appointed as the agent, got the money from the various banks, and wrote checks to the other two.

SwordGuy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2606 on: June 05, 2021, 03:55:32 PM »

If you are willing to disclose which state and/or which banks, that might be more helpful.  Certain states have much more complex processes, which may also give the banks more room to play games.

Colorado and US Bank.

To be clear, we got it taken care of, but only after threatening the bank manager with legal action. Apparently dispersing money to the executor of the estates with "only court documents and a will" is a "very non-standard practice" according to them. Obviously shady bullshit of course. I don't hold that as a knock against wills, but with us listed as beneficiaries on other accounts the process was pretty much "would you like that as cash, check or money order?" after showing them a death certificate and proof of identity. With investment accounts it was also very straightforward too with only a bit more paperwork due to the need to establish beneficiary accounts, etc.

And yet that's exactly what I did as executor with my Letters Testamentary and a Death Certificate.    Not a single concern from any person at multiple organizations that those weren't sufficient documents.

The only pushback I got was that for one account the Letters Testamentary were over a year old when I found that account and they wanted Letters with a later date on them.   Pain in the butt but reasonable.

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2607 on: June 05, 2021, 04:20:53 PM »

If you are willing to disclose which state and/or which banks, that might be more helpful.  Certain states have much more complex processes, which may also give the banks more room to play games.

Colorado and US Bank.

To be clear, we got it taken care of, but only after threatening the bank manager with legal action. Apparently dispersing money to the executor of the estates with "only court documents and a will" is a "very non-standard practice" according to them. Obviously shady bullshit of course. I don't hold that as a knock against wills, but with us listed as beneficiaries on other accounts the process was pretty much "would you like that as cash, check or money order?" after showing them a death certificate and proof of identity. With investment accounts it was also very straightforward too with only a bit more paperwork due to the need to establish beneficiary accounts, etc.
We had trouble with US Bank, too, and my parents had a trust. They had 401ks in four different institutions. We got bullshit from three and cooperation from Fidelity, after I paid a call on them with a CPA friend who used to work for the IRS. Once they cooperated, we moved everything, one by one, to Fidelity. Once that was done, we distributed the funds and called it done. It took over a year. Oh, and Fidelity has made their share of mistakes, so I'm not saying they're perfect, but they did help us settle the estate without the 50% tax haircut the others (including a hired, then fired, attorney) said had to be paid prior to distribution. No, no it did not.

Oh and the most difficult life insurance policy to cash was the smallest one, which netted us each about $150.00. Not kidding.

PhilB

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2608 on: June 06, 2021, 01:14:12 AM »

If you are willing to disclose which state and/or which banks, that might be more helpful.  Certain states have much more complex processes, which may also give the banks more room to play games.

Colorado and US Bank.

To be clear, we got it taken care of, but only after threatening the bank manager with legal action. Apparently dispersing money to the executor of the estates with "only court documents and a will" is a "very non-standard practice" according to them. Obviously shady bullshit of course. I don't hold that as a knock against wills, but with us listed as beneficiaries on other accounts the process was pretty much "would you like that as cash, check or money order?" after showing them a death certificate and proof of identity. With investment accounts it was also very straightforward too with only a bit more paperwork due to the need to establish beneficiary accounts, etc.

And yet that's exactly what I did as executor with my Letters Testamentary and a Death Certificate.    Not a single concern from any person at multiple organizations that those weren't sufficient documents.

The only pushback I got was that for one account the Letters Testamentary were over a year old when I found that account and they wanted Letters with a later date on them.   Pain in the butt but reasonable.

"I hereby confirm that xyz is still dead"

dcheesi

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2609 on: June 06, 2021, 04:18:40 AM »

If you are willing to disclose which state and/or which banks, that might be more helpful.  Certain states have much more complex processes, which may also give the banks more room to play games.

Colorado and US Bank.

To be clear, we got it taken care of, but only after threatening the bank manager with legal action. Apparently dispersing money to the executor of the estates with "only court documents and a will" is a "very non-standard practice" according to them. Obviously shady bullshit of course. I don't hold that as a knock against wills, but with us listed as beneficiaries on other accounts the process was pretty much "would you like that as cash, check or money order?" after showing them a death certificate and proof of identity. With investment accounts it was also very straightforward too with only a bit more paperwork due to the need to establish beneficiary accounts, etc.

And yet that's exactly what I did as executor with my Letters Testamentary and a Death Certificate.    Not a single concern from any person at multiple organizations that those weren't sufficient documents.

The only pushback I got was that for one account the Letters Testamentary were over a year old when I found that account and they wanted Letters with a later date on them.   Pain in the butt but reasonable.

"I hereby confirm that xyz is still dead"
I assume the issue is more about confirming that the estate is still active. If you've formally settled the estate, then find new money later on, you may need to re-qualify as executor/admin and re-open the estate/probate.

SwordGuy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2610 on: June 06, 2021, 08:32:04 AM »
They wanted to know that I was still the executor, which is not an unreasonable request.

Car Jack

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2611 on: June 14, 2021, 12:02:21 PM »
DW is going through a fun one for her recently deceased aunt.  You see, the family believed in "Hide everything from the government and lie about it always".  As a result, we have savings bonds in the grandparents' names from as far back as 1943.  Every death omitted the existence of these bonds because....well....you don't tell the government nothin'.  So rather than the aunt dealing with these, DW has to.  This will be extra fun.  First, there does have to be a probate opened for the aunt.  Understandable and of course that costs lawyer time and money.  But because of the family shennanigans, probate has to be re-opened for the grandfather and a probate also has to be opened for the grandmother.  So three times the fun and three times the cost.  It may be worth it as the value today is about $75,000 for all the bonds.  Of course some of those bonds stopped earning interest before Jimmie Carter was elected president.

Sibley

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2612 on: June 14, 2021, 12:45:26 PM »
Not sure what the cause was of that family attitude, but I frequently wonder what the (now dead) people who buried their money, or hid it in mattresses or whatever, would think about the time and effort they have caused their descendants. Or how much got thrown out or lost because no one knew about the thousands stashed in the blue coffee can, amongst the pile of all the coffee cans.

SwordGuy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2613 on: June 14, 2021, 02:00:40 PM »
Not sure what the cause was of that family attitude, but I frequently wonder what the (now dead) people who buried their money, or hid it in mattresses or whatever, would think about the time and effort they have caused their descendants. Or how much got thrown out or lost because no one knew about the thousands stashed in the blue coffee can, amongst the pile of all the coffee cans.

Some of our best museum holdings of ancient coins and jewelry come from hoards that people lost track of...

dcheesi

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2614 on: June 14, 2021, 02:48:46 PM »
Not sure what the cause was of that family attitude, but I frequently wonder what the (now dead) people who buried their money, or hid it in mattresses or whatever, would think about the time and effort they have caused their descendants. Or how much got thrown out or lost because no one knew about the thousands stashed in the blue coffee can, amongst the pile of all the coffee cans.
"There's always money in the banana stand..."

Finances_With_Purpose

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2615 on: June 14, 2021, 05:56:07 PM »
Not sure what the cause was of that family attitude, but I frequently wonder what the (now dead) people who buried their money, or hid it in mattresses or whatever, would think about the time and effort they have caused their descendants. Or how much got thrown out or lost because no one knew about the thousands stashed in the blue coffee can, amongst the pile of all the coffee cans.

Some of my forbears would tell stories about times when money in the banks all became worthless, banks wouldn't give you money, and people were starving everywhere.  Back then, you were likely to lose what little you since burglary was frequent and widespread.  Whatever they didn't bury in random spots in fields was stolen. 

That probably has a lot to do with it.  I would imagine that watching thieves raid your home from the fields, as some of my forbears did, was traumatic enough that they didn't worry as much about what it did to their descendants after their departure--at least it still existed. 

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2616 on: June 15, 2021, 04:36:49 AM »
Not sure what the cause was of that family attitude, but I frequently wonder what the (now dead) people who buried their money, or hid it in mattresses or whatever, would think about the time and effort they have caused their descendants. Or how much got thrown out or lost because no one knew about the thousands stashed in the blue coffee can, amongst the pile of all the coffee cans.
Oof, after FIL died, we had to clean out  both of their homes and move MIL and her pal Al Z. Heimer in with us. We tackled the second home first, beginning with an estate sale. We found a couple thousand in a linen closet as we were preparing for the sale. Then I moved a nightstand and found a pouch of cash tucked underneath. It had ten grand in it. Finally, on Day 2 of the sale, I moved a floor lamp and found $800 underneath it. Grand total was about $13k. Who knows what else we missed?

SwordGuy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2617 on: June 15, 2021, 06:21:14 AM »
Not sure what the cause was of that family attitude, but I frequently wonder what the (now dead) people who buried their money, or hid it in mattresses or whatever, would think about the time and effort they have caused their descendants. Or how much got thrown out or lost because no one knew about the thousands stashed in the blue coffee can, amongst the pile of all the coffee cans.
Oof, after FIL died, we had to clean out  both of their homes and move MIL and her pal Al Z. Heimer in with us. We tackled the second home first, beginning with an estate sale. We found a couple thousand in a linen closet as we were preparing for the sale. Then I moved a nightstand and found a pouch of cash tucked underneath. It had ten grand in it. Finally, on Day 2 of the sale, I moved a floor lamp and found $800 underneath it. Grand total was about $13k. Who knows what else we missed?

Oh, so you didn't check the spare tire in the car that doesn't run in the garage for kruegerrands?    That's one of many places my wife's aunt put stuff.

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2618 on: June 15, 2021, 06:59:53 AM »
Not sure what the cause was of that family attitude, but I frequently wonder what the (now dead) people who buried their money, or hid it in mattresses or whatever, would think about the time and effort they have caused their descendants. Or how much got thrown out or lost because no one knew about the thousands stashed in the blue coffee can, amongst the pile of all the coffee cans.
Oof, after FIL died, we had to clean out  both of their homes and move MIL and her pal Al Z. Heimer in with us. We tackled the second home first, beginning with an estate sale. We found a couple thousand in a linen closet as we were preparing for the sale. Then I moved a nightstand and found a pouch of cash tucked underneath. It had ten grand in it. Finally, on Day 2 of the sale, I moved a floor lamp and found $800 underneath it. Grand total was about $13k. Who knows what else we missed?

Oh, so you didn't check the spare tire in the car that doesn't run in the garage for kruegerrands?    That's one of many places my wife's aunt put stuff.
We've heard that stashing money in light switches was also a popular hiding place, but couldn't be arsed to check them.

SwordGuy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2619 on: June 15, 2021, 08:52:58 AM »
We've heard that stashing money in light switches was also a popular hiding place, but couldn't be arsed to check them.

How illuminating!

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2620 on: June 15, 2021, 11:05:04 AM »
We've heard that stashing money in light switches was also a popular hiding place, but couldn't be arsed to check them.

How illuminating!
Or inflammatory ;-)

Imma

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2621 on: June 15, 2021, 02:03:26 PM »
Not sure what the cause was of that family attitude, but I frequently wonder what the (now dead) people who buried their money, or hid it in mattresses or whatever, would think about the time and effort they have caused their descendants. Or how much got thrown out or lost because no one knew about the thousands stashed in the blue coffee can, amongst the pile of all the coffee cans.
Oof, after FIL died, we had to clean out  both of their homes and move MIL and her pal Al Z. Heimer in with us. We tackled the second home first, beginning with an estate sale. We found a couple thousand in a linen closet as we were preparing for the sale. Then I moved a nightstand and found a pouch of cash tucked underneath. It had ten grand in it. Finally, on Day 2 of the sale, I moved a floor lamp and found $800 underneath it. Grand total was about $13k. Who knows what else we missed?

Oh, so you didn't check the spare tire in the car that doesn't run in the garage for kruegerrands?    That's one of many places my wife's aunt put stuff.
We've heard that stashing money in light switches was also a popular hiding place, but couldn't be arsed to check them.

My greataunt and uncle never threw away any clothing they didn't wear anymore because, you know, WWIII was going to happening and rationing was going to be a thing again and they would still have their worn-out, moth infested clothing from 1965. Well, they always told they hid "the money" in the lining of the coats in the attic. We found a rail in the attic with 30 coats, cut open the lining of every single one of them... and didn't find a cent.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2622 on: June 15, 2021, 07:07:10 PM »
Growing up my parents used to hide the cash before going on vacations in different spots... until they came home one day and could not find everything...so they made a point of telling each other where they put it... we are 4 kids and always asked them why they would come up every year with a different spot? To give a thief more to do? He did not know that this is the spot where the money was last year...lol

shelivesthedream

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« Reply #2623 on: June 17, 2021, 12:31:14 PM »
My grandmother has £10k hidden in her flat "for her funeral". And once gave her two kids money "for her funeral". And has some amount of a prepaid funeral plan. She is not a showy person and I have no idea what she ever imagined all that money would be spent on.

I think the family might need to have a betting pool on how much cash we find in how many different locations, because she withdraws her full income in cash every month, spends about half of it, then sends some portion of the rest to various family members in carefully disguised stacks of twenties "to avoid inheritance tax" but the rest... well, it must be somewhere. And I'm pretty sure she doesn't remember any more where she's put it over the years.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2624 on: June 18, 2021, 10:37:59 AM »
My grandmother has £10k hidden in her flat "for her funeral". And once gave her two kids money "for her funeral". And has some amount of a prepaid funeral plan. She is not a showy person and I have no idea what she ever imagined all that money would be spent on.

I think the family might need to have a betting pool on how much cash we find in how many different locations, because she withdraws her full income in cash every month, spends about half of it, then sends some portion of the rest to various family members in carefully disguised stacks of twenties "to avoid inheritance tax" but the rest... well, it must be somewhere. And I'm pretty sure she doesn't remember any more where she's put it over the years.

I have more than once opened a book at a certain close relative's house only to have a stack of 50s or 20s fall out.  God only knows what'll get destroyed/trashed/thrown out when she dies, because all I do know is that we'll never find all the spare small stowaways of cash.  Not big money, just a tiny bit here and there--just enough to make it tempting to dig thoroughly through everything...   

bacchi

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2625 on: June 18, 2021, 01:28:03 PM »
My grandmother has £10k hidden in her flat "for her funeral". And once gave her two kids money "for her funeral". And has some amount of a prepaid funeral plan. She is not a showy person and I have no idea what she ever imagined all that money would be spent on.

I think the family might need to have a betting pool on how much cash we find in how many different locations, because she withdraws her full income in cash every month, spends about half of it, then sends some portion of the rest to various family members in carefully disguised stacks of twenties "to avoid inheritance tax" but the rest... well, it must be somewhere. And I'm pretty sure she doesn't remember any more where she's put it over the years.

I have more than once opened a book at a certain close relative's house only to have a stack of 50s or 20s fall out.  God only knows what'll get destroyed/trashed/thrown out when she dies, because all I do know is that we'll never find all the spare small stowaways of cash.  Not big money, just a tiny bit here and there--just enough to make it tempting to dig thoroughly through everything...   

Same. There's a lot of stuff, too, so it'll take weeks months. Fortunately, there's also money in the bank so maybe it'll be a surprise for the estate sale shoppers.

chaskavitch

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2626 on: June 20, 2021, 06:37:36 AM »
My dad has at least one "emergency" stash of like $10k hidden somewhere in their house, but he's told my sister, my husband, and me about it, so at least we (theoretically) know where it is.  I think their investment guy knows about it too - he teases him about wasting all the earning potential of their cash reserves (they also have some $X0k in cash in their bank account as well, I believe, "just in case").

iris lily

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2627 on: June 20, 2021, 07:49:31 AM »
My grandmother has £10k hidden in her flat "for her funeral". And once gave her two kids money "for her funeral". And has some amount of a prepaid funeral plan. She is not a showy person and I have no idea what she ever imagined all that money would be spent on.

I think the family might need to have a betting pool on how much cash we find in how many different locations, because she withdraws her full income in cash every month, spends about half of it, then sends some portion of the rest to various family members in carefully disguised stacks of twenties "to avoid inheritance tax" but the rest... well, it must be somewhere. And I'm pretty sure she doesn't remember any more where she's put it over the years.
My dementia brained mother had a thing about her funeral as well. Salesmen were hitting her house as an easy mark. A “funeral insurance” guy talked her up but I think my brother intervened before she signed on the dotted line.

I told her “mom, funeral insurance is for poor people who have no money. You have enough money to pay for ten funerals.”

And oh yeah, she had already paid for her funeral and made all of the plans.

I guess planning one’s funeral, multiple times,  is a bit of a hobby at that advanced age.
« Last Edit: June 20, 2021, 07:52:37 AM by iris lily »

lemanfan

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« Reply #2628 on: June 22, 2021, 01:38:35 AM »
I guess planning one’s funeral, multiple times,  is a bit of a hobby at that advanced age.

The psychological aspects of contemplating your own mortality can affect us all.  Especially when it becomes 'real' through increasing age, bad health, or deaths in your circle of friends.

Plina

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2629 on: June 22, 2021, 01:44:23 PM »
I guess planning one’s funeral, multiple times,  is a bit of a hobby at that advanced age.

The psychological aspects of contemplating your own mortality can affect us all.  Especially when it becomes 'real' through increasing age, bad health, or deaths in your circle of friends.

My grandmothers death opened that door in our family. I told my parents were I would want to be buried in case I died before them and what kind of memorial stone I would like to have. It makes things easier as I don’t have a spouse or kids. But I am not making funeral planning a hobby.

Dave1442397

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2630 on: June 22, 2021, 04:15:21 PM »
I guess planning one’s funeral, multiple times,  is a bit of a hobby at that advanced age.

The psychological aspects of contemplating your own mortality can affect us all.  Especially when it becomes 'real' through increasing age, bad health, or deaths in your circle of friends.

My grandmothers death opened that door in our family. I told my parents were I would want to be buried in case I died before them and what kind of memorial stone I would like to have. It makes things easier as I don’t have a spouse or kids. But I am not making funeral planning a hobby.

I told my daughter that if I die around Halloween, dress me in a zombie costume and stick me on the porch. I want to see how long it takes before "Wow, what a realistic zombie dummy!" turns into "Ermagod it's a body!!!!"

shelivesthedream

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2631 on: June 23, 2021, 03:53:56 AM »
My grandmother has "paid for" her funeral multiple times over in various guises, but hasn't (to my knowledge) ever expressed any wishes about what she'd like it to be like. I have a pretty strong idea about some key elements and will be lobbying hard to be chief funeral planner when the time comes, if possible, because I know those elements are contrary to what my parents would like for their own funerals. And yeah, funerals are kind of about the living, but if you think the dead person would want something particular then I think you should try to make it happen. The main thing is that I really and truly believe my grandmother would want a Church of England Book of Common Prayer service, not a secular crematorium service. I guess maybe I should make the effort to check with her, but it's hard when she's so deaf and forgetful and I'm only there once every few years covered in small children.

My mother got really angsty a few years ago that she doesn't know what my grandmother wants for her funeral. (Possibly when she tried to give her *another* installment of money "for her funeral"?) I pointed out that she and my dad have never expressed any wishes for their funerals (ages 70 and 65, ish at the time) and it was like I'd spat in her face and wished her dead. But this is exactly how you get to 93 without having ever expressed any funeral wishes...

I went home and Mr SLTD and I planned our funerals that night. Nothing detailed, just a few notes on style and readings and hymns and not to buy a fancy coffin. Still lots of details to be worked out if we died tomorrow, but no angst over the Big Questions. Your twenties is the ideal time to plan your funeral and write your first will. It takes all the Meaning and Anguish out of it because you don't expect to die for decades so it's not about looking your mortality in the face when you're toe to toe.

former player

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2632 on: June 23, 2021, 04:20:39 AM »
I heartily second working out what you want for your funeral and either telling your nearest and dearest or writing it down somewhere it will  be found.  It is so much easier for your grieving loved ones to follow a script rather than trying to second guess what should be done. Even if it's just indicating burial or cremation.

By the River

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2633 on: June 23, 2021, 07:03:13 AM »
We just buried my father on Monday so this is very fresh.  He and his second wife had said several times that they had planned out their funerals. The planning encompassed only the where, who would officiate, and music.  We still had to pick a coffin, flowers, burial clothes, and a few other things. At least the major items were planned.  My wife and I don't even have that much decided.  Probably need to at least do what my father did.

No inheritance drama coming though.  Every one is level-headed and no estate really to fight about, the second wife gets his insurance proceeds to live on. 

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2634 on: June 23, 2021, 07:23:10 AM »
My in-laws bought their cemetery plots in the 1970s, 35+ years before they died.  I seem to remember that was kind of a trend back then and it was really a scam.   

When they died in 2010 & 11 no one could find any paperwork for the burial plots and by then there was a Veteran's Cemetery opened in our region for which they were eligible.  The family only knew about the plots because it was a running joke about how they had their graves but they had no wills.  Eventually late in life they did get simple wills. 

There are still a couple plots out there that are rightfully theirs but will never get used.  I am sure there are countless situations like that where the heirs have no clue about pre-paid plots and what obligation the cemeteries have to reimburse estates for them, how that could ever be tracked.     

shelivesthedream

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2635 on: June 23, 2021, 07:28:59 AM »
I heartily second working out what you want for your funeral and either telling your nearest and dearest or writing it down somewhere it will  be found.  It is so much easier for your grieving loved ones to follow a script rather than trying to second guess what should be done. Even if it's just indicating burial or cremation.

Agreed that ANYTHING is helpful. At least my mother said she wanted an eco funeral, so I've got SOMETHING to go on even if she never plans anything else. My dad... Not a clue.

Sibley

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2636 on: June 23, 2021, 08:15:20 AM »
No idea if there will be drama over this, but my dad's cousin is dying. He was in hospice, nearly died, and then rallied. I guess its true that only the good die. This guy is a bastard.

He divorced his first wife, smearing her name in the process. Then basically abandoned his 3 daughters. Then he married a woman who I'm told was the inspiration behind a nasty character on the West Wing tv show. Yes, really. (I forget the character's name, sorry.) That's when he actually abandoned his daughters. Up to that point he'd been a mostly absent father who gave them no affection, after he married again he moved cross country and as far as I know had no contact with the girls.

Funny enough, after this guy nearly died, he suddenly decided to try to do a bunch of good stuff. Guess he's afraid he'll go to hell? He's out of luck - you can't undo 30 years of neglect and nastiness with a few phone calls. My dad got a call from him. First time in at least 15 years. Even my dad was unimpressed.

Oh and the best part? Wife and him are devout Christians. The kind that annoy people because everything is "god's will" or "god's blessing". The kind that are nasty to gays and lesbians and are "pro life" (really, forced birth"). They hit all the stereotypes. I haven't met the 2nd wife's adult children, but from what I've been told, they're messed up, likely because of their mother.

If there is any drama, I won't be involved or probably even know about it. I just feel bad for the 3 girls who got messed up so badly because their dad sucks as a human being.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2637 on: June 23, 2021, 09:49:42 AM »
Interesting food for thought in the latest posts.  I've told DH that I truly could not care less what sort of funeral or memorial or whatever happens in my name.  I'm dead; I don't care.  I don't care what is done with my body (I'm finished with it!) or anything else.   I view it like an old pair of shoes--if they can be donated so that someone else can get use out of them, great, beyond that, I'm no longer attached to them so... whatever.

But I wonder now if that actually is a disservice to whomever ends up planning it, because there's no direction at all.  Am I inadvertently making it more difficult than someone who plans down to the last detail, complete with photo examples and links to specific items?  Or at a minimum, do I need to give everyone permission (even encouragement) to go cheap and easy?  Basic cremation, unless people feel it would be helpful for them to bury me and have a grave, in which case basic coffin and a plot with a view of the freeway and a strip club are fine? 

JGS1980

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« Reply #2638 on: June 23, 2021, 10:44:31 AM »
Dig a hole. Throw me in. Plant a tree on me.

These are the extent of my wishes expressed to my wife.

My only stipulation is that I am dead before she throws me in. ;)

JGS

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« Reply #2639 on: June 23, 2021, 10:51:16 AM »
My mother has a small sewing room/office with a wall covered in pinned up slips of paper with phone numbers, notes about when she bought items, etc. Many of them have been there for 25 years. One day I was in there helping with her computer and noticed a piece of paper with a series of numbers on it, nothing else. But I immediately knew what it was. I asked," Is this a list of the hymns you want sung at your funeral?" I was correct!

CNM

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« Reply #2640 on: June 23, 2021, 10:58:16 AM »
@Sibley What a terrible story.  You're right that this definitely sounds like drama waiting to happen!

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2641 on: June 23, 2021, 11:13:11 AM »
My MIL died last week, after having ALZ for at least a decade. All the arrangements were made at least a decade ago. Everything was paid for, including transport of her body to the mortuary. Well, everything that could be paid for. The massive, ancient, creepily wonderful place where several generations of the family are interred has a couple of "gotchas". There is a niche that already contains her husband's ashes. There is a fee to turn the key that opens the small glass door. We're sure it will be at least $2,000, probably more. Possibly double that. We'll find out on Friday.

Oh and they left not one word about what kind of ceremony they wanted. "Secular crematorium service" is what we did for my FIL, but DH's mentally ill sister showed up and was very disruptive. Sad as it seems, nobody wants a repeat of that scene, nor do we want to do something and not invite her.

DH's parents had zero interest in religion of any kind. They were not involved in their community. That's the result, I suppose. We can't even think of any reason to run an obituary.

We will most likely use the pandemic as an excuse to do...nothing.

On a brighter note, DH's parents took up pottery in retirement. FIL was quite talented. We kept a few pieces as mementos when MIL moved in with us. MIL "hid" things in her dresser drawers. When I started to sort her things, I found a lovely, small vase tucked in a corner. We always assumed was done by FIL. On closer inspection, it has her initials on the bottom. Huh. Did they make it together? The finish looks like his work, but we'll never know. We've decided to put it into the niche, beside the small stuffed Mickey Mouse that we included in FIL's inurnment. They were avid garage salers, with a particular affection for inexpensive Mickey Mouse memorabilia.

So the niche will hold their two urns, the MM stuffie they most likely got at a garage sale, and a pretty little vase that one or both of them made.

.

Imma

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2642 on: June 23, 2021, 12:03:14 PM »
Interesting food for thought in the latest posts.  I've told DH that I truly could not care less what sort of funeral or memorial or whatever happens in my name.  I'm dead; I don't care.  I don't care what is done with my body (I'm finished with it!) or anything else.   I view it like an old pair of shoes--if they can be donated so that someone else can get use out of them, great, beyond that, I'm no longer attached to them so... whatever.

But I wonder now if that actually is a disservice to whomever ends up planning it, because there's no direction at all.  Am I inadvertently making it more difficult than someone who plans down to the last detail, complete with photo examples and links to specific items?  Or at a minimum, do I need to give everyone permission (even encouragement) to go cheap and easy?  Basic cremation, unless people feel it would be helpful for them to bury me and have a grave, in which case basic coffin and a plot with a view of the freeway and a strip club are fine?

I guess telling your loved ones that you don't have a personal preference but they can do whatever they feel will help them most would be the best thing. No need to plan details if you truly don't care, and it gives them the approval to do whatever feels best for them.

In my family so far we've only had bog standard Catholic funerals, but I kind of like the rituals, as well as the 'not having to think too deeply about it' aspect. I've organized a few funerals and it's not a lot of hassle because the script is there. You just need to pick a reading and a few hymns. Having a death in the family is stressful enough without having to plan a whole funeral in just a couple of days. I like the familiary of the rituals, so I've decided that's what I want for myself as well. Personally, I've never been to a crematorium service that feels "right" and let's not even talk about the music from a stereo and the bright lights on the ceiling. The atmosphere is just terrible. Give me a beautiful old church and a proper choir and organ please.

@Dicey I'm so sorry for your loss.

AMandM

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2643 on: June 23, 2021, 10:25:08 PM »
I guess telling your loved ones that you don't have a personal preference but they can do whatever they feel will help them most would be the best thing. No need to plan details if you truly don't care, and it gives them the approval to do whatever feels best for them.
I agree, unless you have reason to think that there will be strife among the survivors about what kind of funeral to have.

My family's funerals are all standard Catholic masses, but where possible we have the wake at home.  Partly we just like keeping a personal event out of the hands of professional strangers, and partly it works better for us on a practical level: you can come and go, eat and drink as you please, and it's much easier to deal with children at home than in a funeral parlour.


talltexan

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« Reply #2644 on: June 24, 2021, 07:33:46 AM »
My MIL died last week, after having ALZ for at least a decade. All the arrangements were made at least a decade ago. Everything was paid for, including transport of her body to the mortuary. Well, everything that could be paid for. The massive, ancient, creepily wonderful place where several generations of the family are interred has a couple of "gotchas". There is a niche that already contains her husband's ashes. There is a fee to turn the key that opens the small glass door. We're sure it will be at least $2,000, probably more. Possibly double that. We'll find out on Friday.

Oh and they left not one word about what kind of ceremony they wanted. "Secular crematorium service" is what we did for my FIL, but DH's mentally ill sister showed up and was very disruptive. Sad as it seems, nobody wants a repeat of that scene, nor do we want to do something and not invite her.

DH's parents had zero interest in religion of any kind. They were not involved in their community. That's the result, I suppose. We can't even think of any reason to run an obituary.

We will most likely use the pandemic as an excuse to do...nothing.

On a brighter note, DH's parents took up pottery in retirement. FIL was quite talented. We kept a few pieces as mementos when MIL moved in with us. MIL "hid" things in her dresser drawers. When I started to sort her things, I found a lovely, small vase tucked in a corner. We always assumed was done by FIL. On closer inspection, it has her initials on the bottom. Huh. Did they make it together? The finish looks like his work, but we'll never know. We've decided to put it into the niche, beside the small stuffed Mickey Mouse that we included in FIL's inurnment. They were avid garage salers, with a particular affection for inexpensive Mickey Mouse memorabilia.

So the niche will hold their two urns, the MM stuffie they most likely got at a garage sale, and a pretty little vase that one or both of them made.

.

@Dicey , I am so sorry for your loss. I hope everything goes well. The mickey mouse stuffy that you mentioned resonated with me, I am certain my MiL will ask for similar, she loves Mickey Mouse!

shelivesthedream

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2645 on: June 24, 2021, 08:46:50 AM »
@Villanelle I'd still jot down a few things, even if it's just stuff you don't want. You don't know who might end up wanting a say in the funeral plans so "do whatever makes you feel good" will be different for different people - and how will they decide between themselves with nothing to go on? Same reason it's good to make a will even if it's super simple and what everyone expects - it removes any debate, internal or external. There are a few tickbox funeral planning guides online if you just want to take ten minutes over it to ensure less hassle for your heirs/friends and family.

Villanelle

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2646 on: June 24, 2021, 02:00:58 PM »
@Villanelle I'd still jot down a few things, even if it's just stuff you don't want. You don't know who might end up wanting a say in the funeral plans so "do whatever makes you feel good" will be different for different people - and how will they decide between themselves with nothing to go on? Same reason it's good to make a will even if it's super simple and what everyone expects - it removes any debate, internal or external. There are a few tickbox funeral planning guides online if you just want to take ten minutes over it to ensure less hassle for your heirs/friends and family.

I genuinely don't care, to the point that there's nothing I don't want.  For example, a full catholic funeral would seem super odd because I'm decidedly not Catholic (or Christian, or religious), but if that's what people want to do, the decision doesn't affect me in any way, what with me being dead.  So I really mean if when I say that whatever those closest to me find most meaningful or comforting or silly, or cheap or easy, or whatever criteria they want to use is A-okay with me.  I've told them that, and it does seem to me like that would make it easy because they don't have any pressure to guess what I would have wanted if I was there for the event, but I can see that it does provide no direction in a time that I'm guessing they will be at least a bit upset and overwhelmed. 

Outside of those who feel like there are certain things that need to be done for religious or similar reasons, I'm not sure why anyone much cares (but acknowledge and respect that they do) with few exceptions (and things like "make sure you invite cousin Fred because I think it's mean when is is excluded).  But that's because I believe that when we die, we stop entirely and in all ways, so it's a thing that has zero affect on my whatsoever. 

zolotiyeruki

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2647 on: June 24, 2021, 03:34:08 PM »
@Villanelle I'd still jot down a few things, even if it's just stuff you don't want. You don't know who might end up wanting a say in the funeral plans so "do whatever makes you feel good" will be different for different people - and how will they decide between themselves with nothing to go on? Same reason it's good to make a will even if it's super simple and what everyone expects - it removes any debate, internal or external. There are a few tickbox funeral planning guides online if you just want to take ten minutes over it to ensure less hassle for your heirs/friends and family.

I genuinely don't care, to the point that there's nothing I don't want.  For example, a full catholic funeral would seem super odd because I'm decidedly not Catholic (or Christian, or religious), but if that's what people want to do, the decision doesn't affect me in any way, what with me being dead.  So I really mean if when I say that whatever those closest to me find most meaningful or comforting or silly, or cheap or easy, or whatever criteria they want to use is A-okay with me.  I've told them that, and it does seem to me like that would make it easy because they don't have any pressure to guess what I would have wanted if I was there for the event, but I can see that it does provide no direction in a time that I'm guessing they will be at least a bit upset and overwhelmed. 

Outside of those who feel like there are certain things that need to be done for religious or similar reasons, I'm not sure why anyone much cares (but acknowledge and respect that they do) with few exceptions (and things like "make sure you invite cousin Fred because I think it's mean when is is excluded).  But that's because I believe that when we die, we stop entirely and in all ways, so it's a thing that has zero affect on my whatsoever.
I think you're right that providing direction when they are grieving is a good thing to do.  There's also the issue that may arise if there's a disagreement among your loved ones about what type of service (or not) is appropriate.  For example, Stoic Catholic Relative A might want a traditional Catholic funeral, while Naturalist Relative B might want to wrap you in a burlap sack and toss you in a hole, and they're each horrified by the other's proposal.  If you provide direction, it also (hopefully!) eliminates that potential source of conflict.

Sibley

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2648 on: June 24, 2021, 05:03:34 PM »
@Villanelle I'd still jot down a few things, even if it's just stuff you don't want. You don't know who might end up wanting a say in the funeral plans so "do whatever makes you feel good" will be different for different people - and how will they decide between themselves with nothing to go on? Same reason it's good to make a will even if it's super simple and what everyone expects - it removes any debate, internal or external. There are a few tickbox funeral planning guides online if you just want to take ten minutes over it to ensure less hassle for your heirs/friends and family.

I genuinely don't care, to the point that there's nothing I don't want.  For example, a full catholic funeral would seem super odd because I'm decidedly not Catholic (or Christian, or religious), but if that's what people want to do, the decision doesn't affect me in any way, what with me being dead.  So I really mean if when I say that whatever those closest to me find most meaningful or comforting or silly, or cheap or easy, or whatever criteria they want to use is A-okay with me.  I've told them that, and it does seem to me like that would make it easy because they don't have any pressure to guess what I would have wanted if I was there for the event, but I can see that it does provide no direction in a time that I'm guessing they will be at least a bit upset and overwhelmed. 

Outside of those who feel like there are certain things that need to be done for religious or similar reasons, I'm not sure why anyone much cares (but acknowledge and respect that they do) with few exceptions (and things like "make sure you invite cousin Fred because I think it's mean when is is excluded).  But that's because I believe that when we die, we stop entirely and in all ways, so it's a thing that has zero affect on my whatsoever.
I think you're right that providing direction when they are grieving is a good thing to do.  There's also the issue that may arise if there's a disagreement among your loved ones about what type of service (or not) is appropriate.  For example, Stoic Catholic Relative A might want a traditional Catholic funeral, while Naturalist Relative B might want to wrap you in a burlap sack and toss you in a hole, and they're each horrified by the other's proposal.  If you provide direction, it also (hopefully!) eliminates that potential source of conflict.

If that actually does happen, we need someone to come post the whole story here.

Villanelle

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2649 on: June 24, 2021, 05:43:24 PM »
@Villanelle I'd still jot down a few things, even if it's just stuff you don't want. You don't know who might end up wanting a say in the funeral plans so "do whatever makes you feel good" will be different for different people - and how will they decide between themselves with nothing to go on? Same reason it's good to make a will even if it's super simple and what everyone expects - it removes any debate, internal or external. There are a few tickbox funeral planning guides online if you just want to take ten minutes over it to ensure less hassle for your heirs/friends and family.

I genuinely don't care, to the point that there's nothing I don't want.  For example, a full catholic funeral would seem super odd because I'm decidedly not Catholic (or Christian, or religious), but if that's what people want to do, the decision doesn't affect me in any way, what with me being dead.  So I really mean if when I say that whatever those closest to me find most meaningful or comforting or silly, or cheap or easy, or whatever criteria they want to use is A-okay with me.  I've told them that, and it does seem to me like that would make it easy because they don't have any pressure to guess what I would have wanted if I was there for the event, but I can see that it does provide no direction in a time that I'm guessing they will be at least a bit upset and overwhelmed. 

Outside of those who feel like there are certain things that need to be done for religious or similar reasons, I'm not sure why anyone much cares (but acknowledge and respect that they do) with few exceptions (and things like "make sure you invite cousin Fred because I think it's mean when is is excluded).  But that's because I believe that when we die, we stop entirely and in all ways, so it's a thing that has zero affect on my whatsoever.
I think you're right that providing direction when they are grieving is a good thing to do.  There's also the issue that may arise if there's a disagreement among your loved ones about what type of service (or not) is appropriate.  For example, Stoic Catholic Relative A might want a traditional Catholic funeral, while Naturalist Relative B might want to wrap you in a burlap sack and toss you in a hole, and they're each horrified by the other's proposal.  If you provide direction, it also (hopefully!) eliminates that potential source of conflict.

Thankfully, anyone close to me (parents, sibling, spouse) would likely have fairly similar views, or at least none of them are the Stoic Catholic or the Naturalist.

But I do think maybe I'll jot a few notes, probably still not specifics, but more along the line of "please don't spend a fortune, go basic on urn or casket or zip lock from which what's left of me is sprinkled or whatever you decide, and don't feel pressured to do anything fancy.  Simple, basic, and easy is just fine, with a focus on the people who are left, not on me or what I'd have chosen or wanted. A basic thing in someone's home or whatever is convenient is fine and no need to do fancy or elaborate things either to my body or to mark the occasion."  Hopefully that is at lease a basic sense of direction.