Author Topic: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.  (Read 1000489 times)

Hunny156

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2100 on: July 15, 2020, 01:40:30 PM »
Just a little, COVID-related inheritance drama:

April was very bad in NYC, as everyone knows.  Hubby lost a grandmother and a grandfather, on the opposite sides of the family, within 3 days of each other.  Grandpa was 93, still living at home w/the assistance of home health; his aide got the virus and could not get a test, but by the time she had symptoms, Grandpa was affected, I can't imagine how many others.  he tested positive and was doing well for 3 weeks, but ultimately took a turn for the worse and spent 2 days in the hospital, where he was given medicine to be comofrtable before the inevitable occurred.  His son and wife were able to keep him company for a short while in the hospital, followed by quarantine, but they did not catch anything.  He went straight to cremation, and with most of the family living in other states, well, not much we can do there.

Grandmother had turned 98 earlier the same week, lived in a Medicaid nursing home for many years.  We recieved conflicting info, but understandable, given the craziness.  As it turned out, she's a suspected covid case; 1 person on her floor tested positive, and we were just notified that she had passed on.  She left behind 2 sons - my FIL and his brother.  We all live out of state, and Grandmother had a plot, so a burial was set up.  Thankfully, the uncle and aunt on the other side of the family were kind enough to "attend" the burial as the only family living locally, which was a drive by of the casket being lowered into the grave.

Hubby broke quarantine to go see his Dad when we got word; this turned out to be a good move, b/c FIL moves slowly and is not saavy, so hubby was able to make the arrangements and FedEx the required original deed to the plot to the funeral director, so they were able to claim the body before it was moved to the cornoner's office and potentially buried in a mass grave.  Being a Medicaid patient, pre-planning the funeral was required, so that part was simple.  FIL was also not financially saavy, and lives on his social security income plus a small investment account that his wife managed not to completely spend before she passed a few years ago.  I'm watching the account drain at a rate of 13%/year, so we all know that's not good, but it is what it is.  His brother is much younger and well off; homeowner, 2 kids that are a few years out of college and received full rides to good universities, a working wife, lots of travel up until the pandemic.  He was downsized a few years ago, but opted to simply retire at that point, as he was able to collect SS early - no idea if he has or hasn't.  He also has been mostly un-involved in his mother's care, or his parents aging, during most of his adult life, generally regarded as selfish by FIL and an older brother who passed years ago.

None of us even considered that since the arrangements were cut short due to covid, that there would be a credit balance with the funeral home; if we had considered it, we would have assumed property of the state as a very small reimbursement for the many years of care in the nursing home.  But not the brother!!  Funeral director calls FIL days after the burial, and he has an awkward question - does he have a brother?  Long story short, brother called the funeral home, asking what the balance was on the account, and when he would be receiving his half!  Just, wow.  I have no doubt that the casket took up most of the funds; guesstimating from my own mother's service about a year ago, I'd be surprised if there was $2K in the account, to cover the wake and the funeral mass that couldn't take place.

The greed of people never ceases to amaze!

SheWhoWalksAtLunch

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2101 on: July 15, 2020, 02:16:53 PM »
So if I followed that story correctly, Grandma died alone during a pandemic and having done nothing to help with patient care or funeral planning, DH's Uncle contacted the funeral home to ask for a refund on his mother's prepaid funeral package?

Wow.  Just wow. 

Hunny156

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2102 on: July 15, 2020, 03:33:04 PM »
So if I followed that story correctly, Grandma died alone during a pandemic and having done nothing to help with patient care or funeral planning, DH's Uncle contacted the funeral home to ask for a refund on his mother's prepaid funeral package?

Wow.  Just wow.

Correct!

mm1970

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2103 on: July 15, 2020, 04:32:08 PM »
I mentioned to my BiL that I wanted another hobby, was considering golf. He suggested waiting for the wave of estate sales that are coming so I can pick up some golf clubs, used and inexpensive.

Or the decluttering. Seriously, I keep hearing that thrift stores are overwhelmed.
We started decluttering BEFORE COVID, and we have a pile...haven't donated.

On the other hand, you cannot find weights anywhere.  In a year or two, they'll be cheap.

Hula Hoop

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2104 on: July 16, 2020, 02:44:18 PM »
So if I followed that story correctly, Grandma died alone during a pandemic and having done nothing to help with patient care or funeral planning, DH's Uncle contacted the funeral home to ask for a refund on his mother's prepaid funeral package?

Wow.  Just wow.

Correct!

My God.  People are awful.

Villanelle

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2105 on: July 17, 2020, 12:52:34 PM »
It would seem to me that the funeral home would have to release the funds to the executor/estate, not to individuals who claim some right to them based on familial relationships.  No?  If, for example, the brother was excluded from the will, he wouldn't be entitled to anything.  So there is no way the funeral home can determine who gets a piece, which would mean the money goes to the estate.

scottish

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2106 on: July 17, 2020, 03:24:43 PM »
That's how it works in Canada...

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2107 on: July 17, 2020, 04:00:23 PM »
It would seem to me that the funeral home would have to release the funds to the executor/estate, not to individuals who claim some right to them based on familial relationships.  No?  If, for example, the brother was excluded from the will, he wouldn't be entitled to anything.  So there is no way the funeral home can determine who gets a piece, which would mean the money goes to the estate.

That's how it works in Canada...
Funny, I was my parent's co-executor and co-trustee. It never even occurred to us to ask if there was any money left over. Too late now, but I wonder if this really happens often?

scottish

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2108 on: July 17, 2020, 07:44:56 PM »
I just meant in general.    Balances, positive or negative, go to the estate for settlement, not to some guy who claims to be an heir.

Neither of my parents pre-paid their funeral expenses.

iris lily

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2109 on: July 17, 2020, 09:18:47 PM »
Yeah, so here’s a little bit of family drama not as bad as many of the ones here but it’s still annoying.  It will be abbreviated to keep details general.

 DH’s father’s estate of  $1+  Million still has not been settled after many months. Granted, some of that is related to coronavirus. But there is strife among the siblings that slows progress.

One sibling is resistant to many decisions, big and small, as everyone expected.

The siblings have decided to keep the family business and run it as a partnership.(!)

Because that makes so much sense, given existing relations. (!!)

What can possibly go wrong here? (!!!)  / sarcasm




Imma

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2110 on: July 18, 2020, 02:42:01 AM »
It would seem to me that the funeral home would have to release the funds to the executor/estate, not to individuals who claim some right to them based on familial relationships.  No?  If, for example, the brother was excluded from the will, he wouldn't be entitled to anything.  So there is no way the funeral home can determine who gets a piece, which would mean the money goes to the estate.

That's how it works in Canada...
Funny, I was my parent's co-executor and co-trustee. It never even occurred to us to ask if there was any money left over. Too late now, but I wonder if this really happens often?

I'm surprised they don't pay the money back automatically. I worked for a big funeral insurance company about a decade ago and paying the leftover money back was my job. The insurance allowed a certain amount of money for every necessary item (like €200 for flowers, €120 for cards, €75 for thank you notes) and if people didn't choose to buy flowers for example, they'd get that money back. About 3 months after the funeral I'd make up the invoice and if they went under budget we refunded them automatically.

What shocked me when I started working there is how many elderly people don't get funerals at all. Those people would have had funeral insurance for decades, so I assume they had some wish for a funeral at some point in their lives, but many childless elderly people didn't get one. Instead their next of kin would have the body picked up from the nursing home, cremated without a service, and the ashes scattered by us. It happened to my grandma's friend, her nephews hadn't even informed her friends. The friend lived two hours away, when she no longer picked up the phone and letters weren't answered, my grandparents drove over and asked the neighbours if they knew if she had maybe moved to a nursing home. Instead they heard she was dead and her flat was cleared out the same week and sold soon after.

This has made me think about my own future. We're still young, but childless. And we don't have nieces and nephews on either side, only a few siblings that we're not very close to and who don't live in this area. After our parents have passed away we will probably appoint a friend (ideally a bit younger)  as next of kin instead.

Zamboni

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2111 on: July 19, 2020, 06:41:11 AM »
^Yes, good idea. And if you want that person to notify specific people when you die, then you need to give them a list of their names and contact information in writing. Otherwise, how do they know who your friends are or how to contact them?

Sometimes you can just have key contacts in different groups you belong to with a request that these key folks spread the word about your passing (in modern times, this is often through an email list or listserv.)

Anyway, I had an estate planner suggest that I do that as part of their boilerplate package. It was an interesting mental exercise to figure out all of the different groups and people we would like to notify, if for no other reason than we don't want them to feel bad that they didn't even know when they find out about the death by accident months or years afterwards.

former player

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2112 on: July 19, 2020, 08:07:17 AM »
My brother and I have now had to work through lists of telephone numbers and do the "I'm ringing with bad news, I'm afraid, [my relative] has died" 4 different times.

It never gets easier on that end of things either.

LaineyAZ

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2113 on: July 19, 2020, 08:56:04 AM »
My brother and I have now had to work through lists of telephone numbers and do the "I'm ringing with bad news, I'm afraid, [my relative] has died" 4 different times.

It never gets easier on that end of things either.

former player, as an etiquette note, I thank you for calling someone with this sad news vs. emailing or texting them.

Yes, I was the recipient of a text notifying me of a sudden death of someone in my extended circle.  It was very jarring, and I felt it was kind of cold to deliver that news that way.  However, I'm a Baby boomer and the person sending the message is a Millennial, so maybe it's a generational thing?

kina

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2114 on: July 19, 2020, 10:01:14 AM »
My brother and I have now had to work through lists of telephone numbers and do the "I'm ringing with bad news, I'm afraid, [my relative] has died" 4 different times.

It never gets easier on that end of things either.

former player, as an etiquette note, I thank you for calling someone with this sad news vs. emailing or texting them.

Yes, I was the recipient of a text notifying me of a sudden death of someone in my extended circle.  It was very jarring, and I felt it was kind of cold to deliver that news that way.  However, I'm a Baby boomer and the person sending the message is a Millennial, so maybe it's a generational thing?
Nope. I'm a boomer and my much older cousin announced her mother's (my aunt's) death via a mass email.

Dollar Slice

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2115 on: July 19, 2020, 10:19:36 AM »
Yes, I was the recipient of a text notifying me of a sudden death of someone in my extended circle.  It was very jarring, and I felt it was kind of cold to deliver that news that way.  However, I'm a Baby boomer and the person sending the message is a Millennial, so maybe it's a generational thing?

I had spent hours waiting in line for a rock concert to see one of my fave bands, front row center, and halfway through the show a boomer friend of mine messaged me to say "hey did you hear that so-and-so died?" where the deceased was a much closer friend of mine than his. I pulled my phone out to check the time and saw the text. It really fucking sucked to hear about it that way and in that time and place :-( At the very least a phone call is more likely to be answered when a person is able to take a moment to process the news.

DadJokes

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2116 on: July 19, 2020, 10:32:19 AM »
Put me in a different camp. If it were immediate family, then I'd prefer to be told in-person. For anyone else, I'd prefer a text. I simply don't know how to react, and simply replying with "okay" probably would seem cold. Via text, I don't have to have an immediate reaction.

Imma

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2117 on: July 19, 2020, 12:06:40 PM »
My brother and I have now had to work through lists of telephone numbers and do the "I'm ringing with bad news, I'm afraid, [my relative] has died" 4 different times.

It never gets easier on that end of things either.

former player, as an etiquette note, I thank you for calling someone with this sad news vs. emailing or texting them.

Yes, I was the recipient of a text notifying me of a sudden death of someone in my extended circle.  It was very jarring, and I felt it was kind of cold to deliver that news that way.  However, I'm a Baby boomer and the person sending the message is a Millennial, so maybe it's a generational thing?

I'm a milennial who has had to do the 'bad news call' a few months ago. My relative had Covid and so did several other family members, so only a few of us were able to call. One side of the family is pretty big and a cousin on that side informed everyone else (by phone) which we were thankful for. I had to call some very old friends. We informed one of the neighbours and they personally informed the others. The only people we didn't inform personally were acquintances/former colleages. They didn't know until they received the card.

partgypsy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2118 on: July 19, 2020, 01:41:37 PM »
I guess I should add my story. My father passed in April (not Covid-related, other than due to COVID precautions it took 35-45 min from the 911 call for him to get admitted into the hospital. He had an aortic aneurysm and had lost too much blood to be saved). It was upsetting that it took so long for him to get care, and the confusion (my brother took 30 minutes to get the hospital because my Dad said his back hurt, so we didn't realize how serious it was). The ER door is locked, and they won't let him in to wait for our Dad. He talks to the front desk and Dad's still not admitted, so he goes home. And then he gets the call to come back to the hospital...
At the same time the doctor said in 90% of cases there is nothing they could have done.
Anyways all we knew was that he had a plot. So the first night my sister and I get into an argument, where my sister wants to immediately cremate him, and the more I think about it and things he mentioned (how he didn't like open casket funerals, he would want a closed casket) the more I'm convinced he wanted to be buried. My sister starts flipping out that we need to buy a casket NOW. Otherwise it will be TOO LATE. Late that night I'm looking at a site, we are texting model numbers back and forth. I finally text her and my brother saying, is this one OK? I'm going to pull the trigger. I wait 10 minutes. Brother says sure. Sis texts me a couple unrelated freak outs, nothing about the casket but it's too late now and everything is messed up, etc so I'm assume she's OK with the casket choice. I order it and let them know. She then texts me that NO I SHOULDN'T buy a casket, burials are too expensive we can't afford it, cancel the casket! Anyways that became the pattern for the next week, lots of texts and emails between me and sister to finalize details, but then when actually making a decision, her then saying NO, and wanting to back out and start all over (and me ignoring her and just making a deicison because decisions needed to be made).

Anyways there may NOT be any money leftover from a simple burial. The plot was already purchased, and I provided the casket. There was a simple graveside service, but there was no funeral home use, no priest, flowers, service etc supplied by the funeral home yet it cost 14.5K just from the funeral home. Burials are Expensive. Anyways my brother and sister paid the bill and I paid for the casket. All or most should be reimbursed from the (very small) estate once it is settled. But it was a frustrating and stressful time trying to figure out what to do on a time pressure, without any instructions.

The other thing that was frustrating, is that whenever my brother tried to initiate a conversation about this topic, my Dad said "don't worry, it's all taken care of". But other than the plot, and some cash in an envelope that had my brother's name written on it) there was nothing taken care of. Nothing pre paid, no instructions, and not enough money in that envelope to cover the even simplified burial costs.

My mother after attending the burial was, "that was nice. I think I want to be buried too instead of being cremated." And us kids said sure, if you write down all the instructions, plan your funeral, AND have the money set aside for that we would be happy to do so. She hasn't brought it up since. I think we will do something very similar with Mom, except have her cremated to save costs.
« Last Edit: July 20, 2020, 06:52:15 AM by partgypsy »

LaineyAZ

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2119 on: July 19, 2020, 06:19:30 PM »
partgypsy,
You have my sincere condolences.  It's bad enough that your father passed unexpectedly, but to have to deal with a recalcitrant sibling on top of that is too much. 
I hope it is a wake-up call too for your mother that all funeral arrangements can be pre-planned, and that would have removed all of this extra stress for the siblings.

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2120 on: July 19, 2020, 07:52:10 PM »
Partgypsy, that absolutely sucks! Hard enough to lose your dad without the ensuing chaos. Kudos to you for pulling everything together to give him the burial he wanted.

Imma

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2121 on: July 20, 2020, 12:59:10 AM »
I'm so sorry for your loss @partgypsy. If he had a plot, that sounds like burial was his wish and I'm glad you were able to give him the funeral that he wanted, even though you had to deal with difficult siblings. Is that out of character for your sister (due to grief/stress) or is she always like that?

I'n surprised about the huge cost for such a simple service with the plot already paid for. My country is certainly not LCOL but 14k would get you a Mass attended by 200 people and food for all of them afterwards.

partgypsy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2122 on: July 20, 2020, 07:03:51 AM »
Thank you all for posting. No, she has always been like that, but this was worse than usual. And frankly since our Dad died she has kind of lost her marbles. She had contentious relationships with both our brother (who died last year) and our Dad. And now that they are both gone it's like she doesn't know how to frame her life anymore. My Mom is similar. For a long time after she and my Dad divorced, all she could do was talk about him. She couldn't move on. And she had a very co dependent relationship with my older brother. I honestly thought that after my brother passed her quality of life would improve because this burden would be lifted. But it's like my Mom and Dad never fully recovered after my brother died.

Imma yes I was surprised at the cost. We did not do embalming, makeup, the most basic liner, etc etc, still very expensive. The most recent bill (not included in the 14.5K) was 1.5K for installing the grave marker (he was a veteran so the VBA provided one gratis).

Yes regarding burial we are relieved we made the right decision. he was raised Orthodox and cremation is just not done. And I think all the relatives were happy he was properly buried. For example we had a Orthodox priest speak at the burial; if he was cremated that would not have been possible. The one thing we could not give him due to COVID, is that he expressed more than once, he would like to have a memorial dinner in his honor for family. If the stars are aligned maybe next summer.   

« Last Edit: July 20, 2020, 07:15:04 AM by partgypsy »

saguaro

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2123 on: July 20, 2020, 07:45:06 AM »
Just want to extend condolences to you @partgypsy on your father's passing.   It sounds like you made the right calls regarding what he really wanted.    I also understand what it's like to have a contentious sibling that makes things difficult not just in general, but at times like this.   Been there. 

Hunny156

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2124 on: July 20, 2020, 10:57:12 AM »
It would seem to me that the funeral home would have to release the funds to the executor/estate, not to individuals who claim some right to them based on familial relationships.  No?  If, for example, the brother was excluded from the will, he wouldn't be entitled to anything.  So there is no way the funeral home can determine who gets a piece, which would mean the money goes to the estate.

That's how it works in Canada...
Funny, I was my parent's co-executor and co-trustee. It never even occurred to us to ask if there was any money left over. Too late now, but I wonder if this really happens often?

Valid point, but there was no will; both men had Power of Attorney over their mom; but that terminates at death, as I learned when my Mom passed.  The funeral director had told me that there was a very small balance on my Mom's pre-need; but her will had been destroyed by my evil sibling, so there was no record of it; lawyer who created the will stated he didn't keep copies. 

I never received any reimbursement check and just assumed the evil sibling had convinced the funeral director to send it all to her; after our legal battles over her theft of my mom's estate, I had no interest to even find out, but now I'm wondering if it was sent to the state as unclaimed funds.  I had a bank account set up in my Mom's name w/me as POA, and when she passed, I contacted the bank to close the account.  They said it had to go to probate.  Account balance was $0.17 and no other assets, so I'm letting that go to unclaimed funds, of course!

With regards to the in-laws, we certainly aren't going to get involved, but maybe that is for the best - neither of them get anything, and the state might notice it and lay claim as compensation for nursing home care, which is where any excess funds SHOULD go.

Edited for typos and to add a little more info:

 @partgypsy, I'm sorry for the loss of your father, especially during the Covid mess.  It's quite difficult to move on without the closure that a wake/mass/burial provides.  Like you, we are thinking a celebration of life get together at some point will be the best we can do.

I don't know where you live, and costs vary wildly, but both my Mom and Dad had almost identical funeral plans, and even though we could have bought a casket elsewhere for far less; I knew they would want to support the local funeral home as a small business, so I just agreed to pick what they offered, knowing full well it was a rip off.  Although, after dealing w/my family and their drama, they may have earned every penny.  Each funeral cost $16K, covering flowers, casket, 3 wake sessions, those little prayer cards and a sign in book, thank you notes, the mass donation, a flower car, hearse and two towncar/limosines to transport family, costs to remove the marker and update it, and a color photo.  The crypt they chose housed two caskets and was already paid for; I don't even want to guess how expensive that was!

After going through the whole thing w/Dad, I decided that 1 wake session was enough, and limosines to transport warring family wasn't a good idea, which worked out fine, b/c the only family that bothered to show up was my sibling and I.  18 years had passed between the two services, but I think pre-need accounts for those costs through the interest.  At this point, I'm just relieved it's all over, and that our future funeral planning would be for my father in law, as the only elder left.  Hubby and his brother are both of the same mind, so that should consist of a low-cost cremation service and probably just an in-house memorial at my FIL's home, for his neighbor friends to attend.
« Last Edit: July 20, 2020, 11:26:02 AM by Hunny156 »

iris lily

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2125 on: July 20, 2020, 11:54:53 AM »
Partgypsy,

that is a very interesting observation about your sister and her possible inability to frame her life now that her problem people, those  she can blame for her problems, are gone.

One piece of wisdom that really struck a chord with me is that people who have a problematic relationship with the dead have a harder time moving on from their death. I have since observed that many times.

partgypsy

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« Reply #2126 on: July 20, 2020, 12:27:20 PM »
Yes, I have seen that before too. My mother had a worst time with her mom's than her dad's death, even though she had a much more warm close relationship with her dad. I guess there is a wish to heal those wounds or have a different relationship; death makes you realize those unresolved feelings, hoped for relationships will remain unresolved. In my parents case I think they always wanted to "save" my brother from himself. Someone in our family had a tongue in cheek saying there is always hope as long as you're not dead or haven't killed someone yet. Him dying was a finality. And maybe realizing after death how much of their lives were wrapped up or sacrificed in that situation. My brother and I had a easier time; simply because we had already made boundaries with him and had some acceptance about the whole thing, including the understanding the rest of the sibs got neglected, due to him monopolizing our parents attention, time, resources. Sis never could accept the situation (she still brings up things that happened 20, 30 years ago)
« Last Edit: July 20, 2020, 01:25:21 PM by partgypsy »

mm1970

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2127 on: July 20, 2020, 03:04:48 PM »
@partgypsy I'm sorry that you had to go through all that.  My father also died of the same thing (in 2007) and they tried surgery but said chances were slim he'd make it (he was in his 80s already).

I have no idea what his burial cost.  He already had the plot.  There was no service, just a burial.  His estate paid for it (his estate was probably worth $70k and that was mostly the house).

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2128 on: July 20, 2020, 05:19:59 PM »
It happened to my grandma's friend, her nephews hadn't even informed her friends. The friend lived two hours away, when she no longer picked up the phone and letters weren't answered, my grandparents drove over and asked the neighbours if they knew if she had maybe moved to a nursing home. Instead they heard she was dead and her flat was cleared out the same week and sold soon after.

It happened to my DH, too.   When his grandpa died, his (estranged) aunt did not tell any family (her one nephew, or the in-laws), let alone friends.   We found out through a combination of no phone calls being answered / letters and a distant relative reading a courtesy obit posting on the online funeral home (that did the cremation).  Grandpa was deteriorating for the last year, and we lived out of country that year, so we were never told of his illness or death.  So sad.   At least we knew (from him)  that his wishes were to have no funeral, which is likely why there wasn't one.

Imma

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2129 on: July 21, 2020, 03:22:02 AM »
It happened to my grandma's friend, her nephews hadn't even informed her friends. The friend lived two hours away, when she no longer picked up the phone and letters weren't answered, my grandparents drove over and asked the neighbours if they knew if she had maybe moved to a nursing home. Instead they heard she was dead and her flat was cleared out the same week and sold soon after.

It happened to my DH, too.   When his grandpa died, his (estranged) aunt did not tell any family (her one nephew, or the in-laws), let alone friends.   We found out through a combination of no phone calls being answered / letters and a distant relative reading a courtesy obit posting on the online funeral home (that did the cremation).  Grandpa was deteriorating for the last year, and we lived out of country that year, so we were never told of his illness or death.  So sad.   At least we knew (from him)  that his wishes were to have no funeral, which is likely why there wasn't one.

Who does that? :( I can't even Imagine what someone is thinking when they don't inform any of the deceased person's loved ones. Even if you are personally estranged from someone, you put that aside out of respect for the deceased. I'm estranged from our godmother but I'm 100% sure I would inform her if something happened to my siblings, because they are not estranged from her.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2130 on: July 21, 2020, 07:10:16 AM »
Based upon how my sister-in-law acted at my father-in-law's funeral,  I'm pretty sure neither my wife nor her two brothers have any intention of notifying her until after their mom's funeral is over.    They just don't want to deal with her.

I can't say I blame them.    She's a piece of work.

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2131 on: July 21, 2020, 07:30:10 AM »
My black sheep sister took mom's address book (see: control = power in her mind). We knew we were missing people, but did the best we could under the circumstances.  It was worse when my dad died a year later, because he had moved out of state. Sigh.

partgypsy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2132 on: July 21, 2020, 09:24:33 AM »
Oh man, sorry Dicey. At least my sister she wouldn't do anything underhanded, she is moral, almost rigidly so. Just more a matter of what she thinks is right is different than ours, or simply changing her mind what should be done and how involved she wants to be. Biggest pattern is: being way over involved. But then having a freakout and saying she wants nothing to do with it, and being unclear what has or hasn't happened. My mother has control issues. My sister and I were supposed to inherit a coin and assorted family jewelry when we were 21. The boys got their coins, and mom showed us the jewelry and coin but then said we weren't nture enough and refused to give us those things. Anyways I would bug her periodically, but I got to point she was being so weird about it I assumed she would keep them or they were already sold. Surprisingly she gave us the coin when we were in our 40s, and I got one of the rings last year, and my sister picked out one too. (However we both remembered a number of rings were missing, including the two we originally respectively picked out in our 20s.
« Last Edit: July 21, 2020, 09:29:47 AM by partgypsy »

Hunny156

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2133 on: July 21, 2020, 09:38:39 AM »
My black sheep sister took mom's address book (see: control = power in her mind). We knew we were missing people, but did the best we could under the circumstances.  It was worse when my dad died a year later, because he had moved out of state. Sigh.

Mine stole the sign in book after the wake ended.  She also managed to convince the cemetery staff to put the casket in the crypt, which they typically do after everyone leaves.  All I know is that after the final service in the mausoleum, I decided to wait outside for her and her friends to have their final moments w/the casket, and then I could go in and have my final moments with my hubby and friends.  At one point, she came outside to get something from her vehicle, I thought nothing of it at the time.  Best I can tell is she wanted to include something from her cult (which my Mom was not a part of) either in or on top of the casket.  Once they left, we went inside, and were shocked that everything was already completed, and the casket was gone!

The final act of control was the photo.  The marker has the names of the deceased on opposite ends, with a profile photo of each person.  Or if the family wants one photo as a couple, then that is placed in the middle.  Mom specifically indicated that she wanted to be buried in the dress that she wore to my wedding, and I provided the funeral director w/a profile photo from the wedding to use on the marker.  When the marker was put in place, the photo used was of my Mom & Dad, w/my Mom standing behind my Dad.  So there are two photos of my Dad on the marker, and my Mom isn't even the featured subject of her own grave marker!  On some level, this was a passive aggressive move towards Mom, b/c my sister hated her.  I could have paid the $500 to change it, but I figured she'd just change it back, and I honestly no longer care.  I've closed the door on my crazy family, and moved on.

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2134 on: July 21, 2020, 12:15:03 PM »
My black sheep sister took mom's address book (see: control = power in her mind). We knew we were missing people, but did the best we could under the circumstances.  It was worse when my dad died a year later, because he had moved out of state. Sigh.

Mine stole the sign in book after the wake ended.  She also managed to convince the cemetery staff to put the casket in the crypt, which they typically do after everyone leaves.  All I know is that after the final service in the mausoleum, I decided to wait outside for her and her friends to have their final moments w/the casket, and then I could go in and have my final moments with my hubby and friends.  At one point, she came outside to get something from her vehicle, I thought nothing of it at the time.  Best I can tell is she wanted to include something from her cult (which my Mom was not a part of) either in or on top of the casket.  Once they left, we went inside, and were shocked that everything was already completed, and the casket was gone!

The final act of control was the photo.  The marker has the names of the deceased on opposite ends, with a profile photo of each person.  Or if the family wants one photo as a couple, then that is placed in the middle.  Mom specifically indicated that she wanted to be buried in the dress that she wore to my wedding, and I provided the funeral director w/a profile photo from the wedding to use on the marker.  When the marker was put in place, the photo used was of my Mom & Dad, w/my Mom standing behind my Dad.  So there are two photos of my Dad on the marker, and my Mom isn't even the featured subject of her own grave marker!  On some level, this was a passive aggressive move towards Mom, b/c my sister hated her.  I could have paid the $500 to change it, but I figured she'd just change it back, and I honestly no longer care.  I've closed the door on my crazy family, and moved on.
Ugh. This reminds me of this gem that I'd completely forgotten deliberately blocked out. Since this is in keeping with the topic of this thread, here goes.
Black sheep sister took a picture of my mom after she died. I believe she did it at the mortuary, prior to cremation. Then on some angry (in her mind) occasion, she forwarded the picture to the rest of us. I believe it may have happened on Mom's birthday or Mother's Day, for added effect. Bitch.

JGS1980

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2135 on: July 21, 2020, 01:06:11 PM »
Whoa ... Dicey I’m sorry.

Taran Wanderer

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2136 on: July 21, 2020, 01:26:26 PM »
Whoa, that’s some f’d up s**t.

Captain FIRE

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2137 on: July 21, 2020, 03:14:13 PM »
It's definitely not just millennial messaging boomers about death in impersonal ways.  My (boomer) mom sent me an email with the subject line of "Grandma Died" when I was in college.  On the morning of a final exam.  Luckily, due to the final, it was the rare day I decided to go grab breakfast instead of skipping it as usual, and thus, just missed seeing it before the exam.  I chewed her out a bit for that (told her she could send a "call me" email instead if she thought she couldn't reach me otherwise) and got a calls when my grandpas died a few years later.

Hunny156

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2138 on: July 21, 2020, 03:52:15 PM »
@Dicey , sorry for making that hidden memory come back to the surface.  Some people just plain suck.  :(

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2139 on: July 21, 2020, 05:38:45 PM »
@Dicey , sorry for making that hidden memory come back to the surface.  Some people just plain suck.  :(
Funny, in a way I appreciated the reminder. Black Sheep Sister has managed to worm her way back into everyone else's lives to some degree. I'm not having it, for a variety of reasons, some worse than the story I just shared. Thank you for helping me remember that I'm not the asshole.

lhamo

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2140 on: July 21, 2020, 06:41:26 PM »
OK, maybe I'm wierd but -- why does everybody expect someone who just lost someone close to them to suck it up and make a gazillion phone calls to all the friends and relatives to tell them?  There is no way I could have made it through a horrific process like that.  My mom was ailing and everybody knew.  No one seemed offended by the mass email I sent out when she finally passed. I was able to compose it over a couple of days and get input from my siblings.  Many people responded with special memories of my mom -- some decided to cc: everybody on those messages so we all got to know her/her history a little better.

I personally HATE getting unanticipated phone calls -- an email I can decide when I open, when and how I deal with the contents. 

LaineyAZ

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2141 on: July 21, 2020, 07:06:06 PM »
Maybe the death notification should be via phone if it's to family or close friends - in my mind, that's a phone call.  All others can be notified by email.
And in my mind it's also different if it's someone who is elderly or who was chronically seriously ill and their demise was expected vs. a sudden, unexpected death of a younger or otherwise healthy person who was family or close friend.  In the latter instance, a phone call would be less jarring and cold and is more compassionate and caring.

PDXTabs

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2142 on: July 21, 2020, 07:18:14 PM »
When my dad died my siblings got phone calls. Everyone else got an email, but I'm a fucking millennial. Also, I didn't actually know who was close to my dad and who wasn't as our relationship had been very rocky.

Dollar Slice

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2143 on: July 21, 2020, 08:11:41 PM »
OK, maybe I'm wierd but -- why does everybody expect someone who just lost someone close to them to suck it up and make a gazillion phone calls to all the friends and relatives to tell them?

I don't. This is something that other people can help with, like when they say "oh my god, I'm so sorry, please let me know if there's anything I can do" you say "actually, can I give you a list of people to notify, I'm completely wrecked and I just can't talk to people right now."  When my friend's wife was killed in an accident he asked me if I would inform our friend group because he was in shock and couldn't deal with it. I was happy to be able to help him in some small way. (I did do a mass electronic message in that case since most of them had never met her, only him, since she was not involved in our hobby group, and it didn't seem like it would really upset anyone.)

And ditto the above comments - it depends how close you are and how expected the death is. If your child or spouse or close friend drops dead suddenly, you should not be notified in a two-sentence text randomly arriving on your phone while you're in traffic, or seeing an e-mail subject pop up on your iPhone when you're in a work meeting. On the phone someone can give you a little emotional cushioning - hey, I need to tell you something serious, are you in an OK place to talk, can you sit down, etc. If great-grandma passes away at age 91 after 2 months in the hospital, people have mostly already accepted it and no one is likely to break down or be in shock about it - in that case I think e-mails are fine.

For younger people who don't really 'do' phone calls/hate getting calls out of the blue (like most people under 45-50, I guess), a text saying "Could you please call me ASAP, it's urgent" is probably a sensitive way to handle it.

former player

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2144 on: July 21, 2020, 08:33:27 PM »
Email doesn't work if you are working through the address book of a non-computer literate (highly literate in all other ways) nonagenarian.  The choice is phone or letter.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2145 on: July 21, 2020, 10:49:51 PM »
OK, maybe I'm wierd but -- why does everybody expect someone who just lost someone close to them to suck it up and make a gazillion phone calls to all the friends and relatives to tell them?  There is no way I could have made it through a horrific process like that.  My mom was ailing and everybody knew.  No one seemed offended by the mass email I sent out when she finally passed. I was able to compose it over a couple of days and get input from my siblings.  Many people responded with special memories of my mom -- some decided to cc: everybody on those messages so we all got to know her/her history a little better.

I personally HATE getting unanticipated phone calls -- an email I can decide when I open, when and how I deal with the contents.
Honestly,   we would have been happy with ONE call to ONE person on our side of the family, or ONE mass email, or ONE text.  Anything, at all.

Even better would have been one text alerting us to the fact that she moved Grandpa into a care facility, he wasn't well, so that we could have planned to take our annual trip to see him sooner (he was moved to a city that we had other family in and visited more than once a year).

Imma

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2146 on: July 22, 2020, 01:58:22 AM »
OK, maybe I'm wierd but -- why does everybody expect someone who just lost someone close to them to suck it up and make a gazillion phone calls to all the friends and relatives to tell them?  There is no way I could have made it through a horrific process like that.  My mom was ailing and everybody knew.  No one seemed offended by the mass email I sent out when she finally passed. I was able to compose it over a couple of days and get input from my siblings.  Many people responded with special memories of my mom -- some decided to cc: everybody on those messages so we all got to know her/her history a little better.

I personally HATE getting unanticipated phone calls -- an email I can decide when I open, when and how I deal with the contents.

You don't have to do it all by yourself, it's totally fine to let others help. When my relative passed a couple of months ago, one side of the family was called by a cousin we are close to. And I don't feel absolutely everyone has to be informed personally - old acquintances and former neighbours and people from the tennis club can wait for the card.

The reason why calling is important is because that way you're sure the message has arrived. You don't know if and when texts or emails arrive. My relative passed in the early hours of the morning and we made it our goal to inform the most important people before noon. We wanted to make sure that none of them heard it "through the grapevine"  so that's why we had to act fast. For a  close relative or friend, it would be awful to bump into someone in the grocery store and learn that way. We also felt that because people need to make arrangements to attend the funeral it's also important to notify them ASAP.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2147 on: July 22, 2020, 07:28:37 AM »
I had an honorary grandmother (kind of a godmother) who was estranged from her step-son. Her close friends did everything they could to have funeral, closing of the estate, all of it done before son learned of her death. I was not old enough to be told why this was such a priority (my grandmother was not wealthy, but she had a house and some other valuable instruments).
« Last Edit: July 22, 2020, 08:58:05 AM by talltexan »

lhamo

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2148 on: July 22, 2020, 07:35:35 AM »
Oh -- I remembered another reason we decided to go the email route:  easy for others to forward on (or convey the message by phone) if we missed someone important who wasn't in our mom's address books (both hard and e-copy).  Also by waiting a couple of days we were able to finalize date/time arrangements for the memorial service and include those details in a single message -- no need for a string of "Mom's dead" "we're working on the details of the service" and "here are the details of the service" emails.  And another also -- people who were more distant to mom/our immediate family may not have been fully aware how fast she was declining, so we were able to give the whole story about how things progressed.

Anyway, here is a redacted version of what we sent (came from me but was signed by all siblings) -- I only got positive feedback about how we handled it, though I guess maybe that is because most people are ultra polite with grieving children.  I lived overseas so long that I am used to getting bad news by email.  Maybe I'm just odd.

Dear Family and Friends of [Mom],

With sadness we are writing to inform you that our mother, [name],
passed away late Sunday night, [date].   

As many of you know, Mom's health had been declining over the past two
years due to congestive heart failure -- we learned in late 2015 that
the mitral valve she had replaced in 2002 had failed and Mom elected not
to undergo further surgery.    She suffered a fall and a broken clavicle
in [timeframe], and made the decision to move into [X Assisted
Living] in North Seattle in [date].   These kinds of transitions
are always hard, but Mom weathered the move reasonably well and made
many good friends at [facility name] while adjusting to life in her new
environment.  In mid-November she was hospitalized for several days
after a fall in her apartment, and upon discharge elected to return home
to [facility] with hospice support.   She was well enough a few days
later to join the rest of the family for a lovely Thanksgiving dinner
downtown, which we all enjoyed immensely.   

In the days following the holiday, we had been working closely with
[hospice name] to set up the support visits Mom needed,
and had been planning to send everyone an update once her caregiver
schedule was more stable and we knew when a good time for personal
visits would be.  Unfortunately, Mom's health condition declined rapidly
late last week before we could extend that invitation.   Thankfully,
with the help of hospice, the [facility] staff and some lovely
caregivers, we were able to ensure that Mom could remain at home in
relative comfort and peace until her passing. 

Everyone who knows Mom knows she was strong in her Christian faith.   We
are sad to have lost her, but she was ready to leave her ailing physical
body, and was confident her soul was bound for heaven.  We are glad to
know she is now at peace.   

The memorial service will be held at [details].   A lightly catered reception will
follow.  Details can be found on [funeral home] website here:   

[memorial info page]

For those traveling from outside the Seattle area, [funeral home] is part
of the “Dignity Memorial Network” which has a bereavement travel program
that can help make all the necessary travel arrangements:

Dignity Memorial Bereavement Travel Program
1-800-224-4177
Reference [####]

If you think you will be able to attend the memorial service, a note to
us at this email address would be appreciated so we can estimate
attendance for the catering arrangements.

In lieu of flowers, Mom requested that memorial gifts be directed to
[mom's preferred [religious] charities].   The family also greatly appreciated the services of
[hospice name] over the past weeks.

We are sending this out to Mom’s family and friends with recipient email
addresses visible, since we know there are many individuals she did not
have active emails for.    If there are family members or friends of Mom
you are in touch with whose addresses do not appear, we would be most
grateful if you could pass this news on.   

Many thanks for your past and ongoing prayers for Mom and our family.
We look forward to seeing many of you and to sharing our collective
memories of her soon."

Captain FIRE

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2149 on: July 22, 2020, 07:48:16 AM »
@lhamo I think the point is that most of the time close family (and close friends that are like family), generally would want to be notified in person/by phone.  I certainly don't have a problem with being notified by email about an acquaintance, neighbor, someone in a shared activity, or a 2nd/3rd cousin, etc.

But do you really not see why it might have been upsetting to me as a freshman in college, to get an email with the subject "Grandma died"?  Keeping in mind that this was my first real instance with death too.  (I had attended one funeral prior to this of someone I did not know.)