Author Topic: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.  (Read 591077 times)

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1500 on: December 13, 2018, 08:59:54 AM »
She remembered it because it means a lot to her. I hope you thanked her profusely.
« Last Edit: December 13, 2018, 02:55:33 PM by Dicey »

Maenad

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1501 on: December 13, 2018, 11:08:24 AM »
I'm not saying I agree with it.  But in a traditional environment where "a woman's place was in the home" and one of the few public avenues for recognition of (and possible financial reward for) her creativity and ingenuity was through local cooking contests, I can see why some women would want to keep their recipes close to the vest, and encourage their children to do the same. 

Plus, if you couldn't work and needed a man to provide for you, good cooking was a way to make you especially desirable on the marriage market.

So glad we're beyond that. I fervently agree that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and love exchanging good recipes! I'd heard of the trick of using pudding mix in boxed cakes, I'm going to try it with my own chocolate chip cookies (I use Alton Brown's Chewy recipe, we'll see how it works!).

Just Joe

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1502 on: December 13, 2018, 11:40:13 AM »
Cooking is a good skill but any skills for complicated topics would impress me as a dating male. She's good with computers? Or - she's good at gardening? Sewing? Carpentry? Big into bicycling or hiking?

To me this is a thinker who spent the time and made the effort to get good at something.

SwordGuy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1503 on: December 13, 2018, 02:06:40 PM »
Cooking is a good skill but any skills for complicated topics would impress me as a dating male. She's good with computers? Or - she's good at gardening? Sewing? Carpentry? Big into bicycling or hiking?

To me this is a thinker who spent the time and made the effort to get good at something.


That is so true for me, too.

Competence is a really under-rated sexual attractiveness trait.   At least by most people.  I, on the other hand, find a woman becomes really unattractive  to me very quickly if she's not competent at daily living and really good at one or more things.

Just Joe

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1504 on: December 14, 2018, 02:31:40 PM »
Cooking is a good skill but any skills for complicated topics would impress me as a dating male. She's good with computers? Or - she's good at gardening? Sewing? Carpentry? Big into bicycling or hiking?

To me this is a thinker who spent the time and made the effort to get good at something.


That is so true for me, too.

Competence is a really under-rated sexual attractiveness trait.   At least by most people.  I, on the other hand, find a woman becomes really unattractive  to me very quickly if she's not competent at daily living and really good at one or more things.

"Well at least she's pretty" still ain't good enough. ;)

Decades ago when i was single: What? She didn't understand something and read a book to figure it out? Ooooh - wonder if she's dating anyone... ;)

MissNancyPryor

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1505 on: December 26, 2018, 10:42:30 PM »
Cooking is a good skill but any skills for complicated topics would impress me as a dating male. She's good with computers? Or - she's good at gardening? Sewing? Carpentry? Big into bicycling or hiking?

To me this is a thinker who spent the time and made the effort to get good at something.


That is so true for me, too.

Competence is a really under-rated sexual attractiveness trait.   At least by most people.  I, on the other hand, find a woman becomes really unattractive  to me very quickly if she's not competent at daily living and really good at one or more things.

"Well at least she's pretty" still ain't good enough. ;)

Decades ago when i was single: What? She didn't understand something and read a book to figure it out? Ooooh - wonder if she's dating anyone... ;)

That is a dating website I would sign up for...... "Single competent female seeking..." or some such. 

I have a story about inheritance and Certain Precious China:

In about 1997 my parents downsized from their ridiculous McMansion.  They had me and my XH load up all sorts of large items from their house to deliver to my sister because her hubby had a bad back and couldn't help.  Lots of things I grew up with were given to her at this time.  My sister is older than me but because of bad life choices this stuff was really the first non-particle board furniture she ever owned.  She was always broke and stupid and this was a big upgrade.       

At this time Mother also decided to pass along a certain set of china that we had known all our lives.  She decided, however, that it was to be included with a Thomasville golden oak Queen Anne style dining room set including an oversized china cabinet.  And she decided that it was all to go together and it was to be bought, not given.  She also knew that my idiot sister was always broke and always would be and so it was put to me that if I wanted the certain precious china I was to pay for it, and I knew that if I didn't buy it they would end up being given to my sister anyway because, (broke and stupid).  The successful daughter must pay for her inherited items.  I paid $2000 for a set of china that came with a dining room ensuite I did not want. 

It was a gross misstep by my mom.  Simply put, she paid way too much for that Thomasville dining room 8 years earlier and wanted something for it, she was never a garage sale or ad-in-the-paper type person, and this was pre-internet.  The only way in her mind to get money for that set was to charge her successful daughter for it, and the way to make sure the daughter took it was to include this precious china.  She also thought she could head off any bickering between sisters by making one child pay for it and since the broke and stupid daughter could never meet the price and then Mom is off the hook.  Or so she thought.   

My sister was always furious that I got the dishes.  I explained, as did Mother, that I paid for them.  Told her how much.  Didn't matter, she still believes I am the favored daughter and they were free or something.  I don't care what she thinks because, stupid.  Her home is full of things we both grew up with and that were simply given to her because she couldn't furnish her own place.  But that was not good enough.   

I really hated that golden oak dining room set but because we were always frugal and it was functional I kept it until 2007 when I had my sister and her sons come over and remove it from my house.  So she ended up getting the furniture for free anyway and I ended up keeping the dishes.

I have since given the china to my oldest daughter.  I decided I didn't want to wait until I die to give things like this away and I certainly don't want there to be resentment between my 2 girls.  They each chose a china set after my former MIL died, so each daughter received a china set that was one of their grandmother's.   

I think if my mother had it to do over she would not do that horrible thing.  At the time it just didn't seem horrible to her I guess, and I get the idea she regrets it now.  But I never bitched or complained, I just wrote the check.   

SwordGuy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1506 on: December 27, 2018, 08:07:53 AM »
I have a story about inheritance and Certain Precious China:

Wow.

Your mom's actions would have completely ruined any sentimental value that China had for me.   

At that point, I would only pay money for it if it was going to turn a profit when I resold it.  It would be valueless for me otherwise.  I wouldn't want to eat off it it.


TomTX

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1507 on: December 27, 2018, 08:40:49 AM »
I have a story about inheritance and Certain Precious China:

Wow.

Your mom's actions would have completely ruined any sentimental value that China had for me.   

At that point, I would only pay money for it if it was going to turn a profit when I resold it.  It would be valueless for me otherwise.  I wouldn't want to eat off it it.

++

MissNancyPryor

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1508 on: December 27, 2018, 10:34:30 AM »
Yeah, it definitely colored my thoughts around it and it will forever be associated with negative feelings.  Thus it was given to my daughter when I was about 47 instead of way down the road in my life.  Fortunately it is not ruined for my daughter so she will have it and not have any bad attachments to it.  She only hears about how it is dish ware I have known forever and was once Grandma's.

The kicker is that my mom and the rest of us ate off that china at Christmas because it is stored in a box at my house still since my daughter has been in college and now is in a studio apartment.  Daughter wanted to use it for the holiday so out it came.  Made me remember the whole thing again (but never will I mention it).  Hopefully the last of both daughters' things will go to them within the next 2 years or so now that they are out of college and my days of storage unit service will end.       

Just Joe

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1509 on: December 27, 2018, 05:20:03 PM »
Good for you for not letting the past taint your daughter's future.

Cool Friend

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1510 on: December 31, 2018, 10:35:18 AM »
I don't know if it qualifies as a drama, but a couple I'm very good friends with got an inheritance from a relative who passed away recently.  I don't know how much it was, but when they brought it up and mentioned that they weren't sure how to use it, I offered to show them how to open a retirement account or invest in index funds.  That didn't sound very fun to them, so they ended up using it to go on 2-week European vacation, and have been on a buying binge ever since they got back with what I assume is the leftover cash.  They're big advocates of retail therapy, you see--just a month or two ago (before they received the inheritance) they were upset because they overspent and had to borrow money from one of their parents.  They also hate their jobs.

I wish I could have helped but I know if i pressed the issue beyond just offering to help them invest it they would be very offended (understandably).  The vacation looked like a lot of fun, but still... seems like a squandered windfall, however much the inheritance was.

SwordGuy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1511 on: December 31, 2018, 11:48:37 AM »
I don't know if it qualifies as a drama, but a couple I'm very good friends with got an inheritance from a relative who passed away recently.  I don't know how much it was, but when they brought it up and mentioned that they weren't sure how to use it, I offered to show them how to open a retirement account or invest in index funds.  That didn't sound very fun to them, so they ended up using it to go on 2-week European vacation, and have been on a buying binge ever since they got back with what I assume is the leftover cash.  They're big advocates of retail therapy, you see--just a month or two ago (before they received the inheritance) they were upset because they overspent and had to borrow money from one of their parents.  They also hate their jobs.

I wish I could have helped but I know if i pressed the issue beyond just offering to help them invest it they would be very offended (understandably).  The vacation looked like a lot of fun, but still... seems like a squandered windfall, however much the inheritance was.

Be sure and update us when they (inevitably?) let people know how hard things are and that they don't have the money for 'X' necessity.

marty998

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1512 on: December 31, 2018, 02:43:09 PM »
I don't know if it qualifies as a drama, but a couple I'm very good friends with got an inheritance from a relative who passed away recently.  I don't know how much it was, but when they brought it up and mentioned that they weren't sure how to use it, I offered to show them how to open a retirement account or invest in index funds.  That didn't sound very fun to them, so they ended up using it to go on 2-week European vacation, and have been on a buying binge ever since they got back with what I assume is the leftover cash.  They're big advocates of retail therapy, you see--just a month or two ago (before they received the inheritance) they were upset because they overspent and had to borrow money from one of their parents.  They also hate their jobs.

I wish I could have helped but I know if i pressed the issue beyond just offering to help them invest it they would be very offended (understandably).  The vacation looked like a lot of fun, but still... seems like a squandered windfall, however much the inheritance was.

Be sure and update us when they (inevitably?) let people know how hard things are and that they don't have the money for 'X' necessity.

The only way I can reconcile this in my head is that they are simply playing a different game to us. A game where the goal is "living life" by spending every dollar available, and having anything leftover is failure.


NoVa

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1513 on: December 31, 2018, 06:53:42 PM »
I don't know if it qualifies as a drama, but a couple I'm very good friends with got an inheritance from a relative who passed away recently.  I don't know how much it was, but when they brought it up and mentioned that they weren't sure how to use it, I offered to show them how to open a retirement account or invest in index funds.  That didn't sound very fun to them, so they ended up using it to go on 2-week European vacation, and have been on a buying binge ever since they got back with what I assume is the leftover cash.  They're big advocates of retail therapy, you see--just a month or two ago (before they received the inheritance) they were upset because they overspent and had to borrow money from one of their parents.  They also hate their jobs.

I wish I could have helped but I know if i pressed the issue beyond just offering to help them invest it they would be very offended (understandably).  The vacation looked like a lot of fun, but still... seems like a squandered windfall, however much the inheritance was.

Be sure and update us when they (inevitably?) let people know how hard things are and that they don't have the money for 'X' necessity.

The only way I can reconcile this in my head is that they are simply playing a different game to us. A game where the goal is "living life" by spending every dollar available, and having anything leftover is failure.

Wasn't this the plot of a movie, "Brewster's Millions"? Had to spend some enormous sum in 30 days?

MissNancyPryor

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1514 on: December 31, 2018, 07:00:37 PM »
I thought of so many ways to spend that money, even as a teenager it was clear to me how it could be spent without incurring the penalties or breaking rules.  Kind of a fun movie anyway.   

jengod

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1515 on: December 31, 2018, 07:19:34 PM »
I thought of so many ways to spend that money, even as a teenager it was clear to me how it could be spent without incurring the penalties or breaking rules.  Kind of a fun movie anyway.   

FWIW, it was a novel first!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brewster%27s_Millions


Don't have an inheritance drama right now EXCEPT that I was thrilled to find out that a near in-law finally (may?) have created an estate plan. He is a spendthrift and a hoarder with at least three mortgages, two pets and he often falls asleep while driving. I had the worst feeling that if he died intestate that the estate cleanup would fall to me somehow, but I seem to be off the hook. If he dies suddenly, I think the pets are the only thing I might have to handle. Whoo!

Dixie_Amazon

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1516 on: January 01, 2019, 08:16:25 AM »
I am surprised my husband's step-sister-in-law didn't show up with a moving van after his mother's funeral. My husband's stepfather and mother got married in their 60s and kept their finances separate. I don't know why she expected a huge windfall. Her husband finally calmed her down, but it made for a stressful time.

MissNancyPryor

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1517 on: January 01, 2019, 12:47:02 PM »
I expect similar drama when my parents die.  My sister will show up and expect to be running the show and will start to grab things.  She is older and has always been a bossy bitch and is quite cray-cray.  She is 2 years older than me but still likes to think of me as "little girl" (her actual remark to me when fighting) even though I am far more educated, have 30X her wealth, and have very well-scrubbed, educated young women for my daughters.  Bonus, I am not a pathological liar like she is.     

About 20 years ago my parents set up a living trust and told me that they have me on the trust.  They said they do not have my sister on it but I have not seen the actual document.  I did go down with them to sign for their safe deposit box so I can access it one day.  The idea is that I can go down and begin to execute their wishes as a co-trustee and give my sister half, and they don't trust her to handle things.  I will follow their wishes.  I just hope they have informed her of how it is going to go but unfortunately I don't think they have dealt with that. 

I will track what she takes and charge her for it out of her portion of the estate.  I am sure she will want everything to be given to her kids for furnishings and keepsakes, but anything that is not just garage sale crap will be accounted for and taken from her half. 

So sad to anticipate all that.  I hope I can convince my parents to get rid of extra vehicles and the big motorhome before they die--those are the first items my sister will presume are going her way for her sons. 

ugh, dread.  I hope all of this is at least 15 years out.

zolotiyeruki

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1518 on: January 01, 2019, 08:48:35 PM »
So sad to anticipate all that.  I hope I can convince my parents to get rid of extra vehicles and the big motorhome before they die--those are the first items my sister will presume are going her way for her sons. 
Heh, I say let 'em have the RV.  From what I've heard, they're a lot like a timeshare--expensive to maintain and depreciate like a luxury sports car.

Cool Friend

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1519 on: January 02, 2019, 06:47:46 AM »
I don't know if it qualifies as a drama, but a couple I'm very good friends with got an inheritance from a relative who passed away recently.  I don't know how much it was, but when they brought it up and mentioned that they weren't sure how to use it, I offered to show them how to open a retirement account or invest in index funds.  That didn't sound very fun to them, so they ended up using it to go on 2-week European vacation, and have been on a buying binge ever since they got back with what I assume is the leftover cash.  They're big advocates of retail therapy, you see--just a month or two ago (before they received the inheritance) they were upset because they overspent and had to borrow money from one of their parents.  They also hate their jobs.

I wish I could have helped but I know if i pressed the issue beyond just offering to help them invest it they would be very offended (understandably).  The vacation looked like a lot of fun, but still... seems like a squandered windfall, however much the inheritance was.

Be sure and update us when they (inevitably?) let people know how hard things are and that they don't have the money for 'X' necessity.

The only way I can reconcile this in my head is that they are simply playing a different game to us. A game where the goal is "living life" by spending every dollar available, and having anything leftover is failure.

I think they're on the same hedonic treadmill as a lot of people, hoping that spending the money now will improve their lives and make them happier.  They do make some good financial decisions, such as when they got married and spent as little as they could on the wedding.  I just wish I could have helped them set up a little nest egg, but I think if I had pressed the issue it would have alienated them.

saguaro

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1520 on: January 02, 2019, 03:15:14 PM »
So sad to anticipate all that.  I hope I can convince my parents to get rid of extra vehicles and the big motorhome before they die--those are the first items my sister will presume are going her way for her sons. 
Heh, I say let 'em have the RV.  From what I've heard, they're a lot like a timeshare--expensive to maintain and depreciate like a luxury sports car.

I agree on letting them have the RV for the same reasons.   Sister will no doubt see it was a great thing but in reality it will probably be more work and expense than anticipated for whoever gets it.

My in-laws have a bunch of artwork and sculptures that are presumed to be worth a lot from their spendthrifts days at the local galleries.  Maybe they are worth a lot but I sort of doubt it.   Sister in law is expecting to get these items and DH is more than happy to let her as he's been in the gallery scene for a year or so and saw the incredible markups.  We are not sure the items will fetch anywhere near what they cost.   

Villanelle

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1521 on: January 03, 2019, 03:15:30 AM »
I expect similar drama when my parents die.  My sister will show up and expect to be running the show and will start to grab things.  She is older and has always been a bossy bitch and is quite cray-cray.  She is 2 years older than me but still likes to think of me as "little girl" (her actual remark to me when fighting) even though I am far more educated, have 30X her wealth, and have very well-scrubbed, educated young women for my daughters.  Bonus, I am not a pathological liar like she is.     

About 20 years ago my parents set up a living trust and told me that they have me on the trust.  They said they do not have my sister on it but I have not seen the actual document.  I did go down with them to sign for their safe deposit box so I can access it one day.  The idea is that I can go down and begin to execute their wishes as a co-trustee and give my sister half, and they don't trust her to handle things.  I will follow their wishes.  I just hope they have informed her of how it is going to go but unfortunately I don't think they have dealt with that. 

I will track what she takes and charge her for it out of her portion of the estate.  I am sure she will want everything to be given to her kids for furnishings and keepsakes, but anything that is not just garage sale crap will be accounted for and taken from her half. 

So sad to anticipate all that.  I hope I can convince my parents to get rid of extra vehicles and the big motorhome before they die--those are the first items my sister will presume are going her way for her sons. 

ugh, dread.  I hope all of this is at least 15 years out.

Really ask yourself if it's worth the effort and strife to do this.  What would happen if you took the stuff you wanted and looked after the truly valuable items (let's say anything over $1000) and let her pillage the rest?  You would likely end up a couple thousand dollars less well-off.  You will have inherited a couple thousand dollars less.  (And that's if she makes off with $4000 worth of stuff, which is quite a lot when we are talking only low value items--used furnishing and keepsakes.)  But you will save yourself the headache and the heartache.  And the time.  Why?  So she doesn't get to "win" by maybe a couple thousand dollars?  Yes, it's messed up that [if] she would do that.  But digging in your heels over a relatively small amount of money seems awfully stubborn, and likely to cause you much unnecessary anguish.  It seems to me like it would be much better to draw a healthy boundary that is somewhere a bit away from "exactly 50/50, even for knick knacks and used furniture".  Protect that boundary, and let her indulge her ugliness and greed up to that line. 

zolotiyeruki

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1522 on: January 03, 2019, 07:09:17 AM »
That sounds an awful lot like appeasement. I've never dealt with adults in that situation, but when I watch it in my kids, there is no avoiding the whining or tantrum. Wherever the boundary is drawn, that's where the battle will be fought, so you may as well plant your flag in a more advantageous position.

Villanelle

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1523 on: January 03, 2019, 07:35:14 AM »
That sounds an awful lot like appeasement. I've never dealt with adults in that situation, but when I watch it in my kids, there is no avoiding the whining or tantrum. Wherever the boundary is drawn, that's where the battle will be fought, so you may as well plant your flag in a more advantageous position.

Of course you should plant your flag advantageously.  But there are different types of advantages.  Not spending days fighting with my sister over a fairly inconsequential amount of money would be far more advantageous to me than having a few extra dollars.  So she walks away with a few more trinkets (that I don't specifically want) than I do.  So what?  This seems to me like an argument a child would have, since you bring up children.  They don't really want or need the toy, but they are going to freak out and throw a tantrum about how unfair it is if someone else gets it. 

It's not about appeasement.  It's about not getting into arguments and causing myself stress and time over things that don't actually matter to me.  If I don't want the old china cabinet worth about $200 and my sibling takes it and sells it, so what?  I'm going to get worked up and put myself through the fight for $100?  Nope.  Not worth it to me. 

And frankly, someone who is going to nitpick about a sibling perhaps getting a china cabinet and some figurines more than they did would be a candidate for an "inheritance drama" post themselves, IMO.  Because that is stuff that doesn't matter, but they are throwing a tantrum about it and keeping an exact score of who gets what. 


Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1524 on: January 03, 2019, 07:59:03 AM »
I have put off posting on this topic until the estate is finally buttoned up, but my brother just reminded me of this tidbit that I'd already mostly forgotten. For [reasons], my black sheep sister ended up with my parent's late-model car. Not my choice, but I got outvoted by my sibs. My brother gave it to her with the caveat that she was NOT to drive it to the memorial service, which of course, she did. She managed to park it right up front, where it was visible to one and all during the entire service.

This came up because we just sent everyone $1k two days before Christmas. She called him yesterday to ask for more money. FWIW, most of the estate has been disbursed. He was warning me to expect a call from her, because we're co-executors. Yeah, that's a call I won't be taking.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1525 on: January 03, 2019, 10:02:13 AM »
Is it a fancy car that stands out or was your brother trying to help her out quietly?

zolotiyeruki

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1526 on: January 03, 2019, 12:57:45 PM »
That sounds an awful lot like appeasement. I've never dealt with adults in that situation, but when I watch it in my kids, there is no avoiding the whining or tantrum. Wherever the boundary is drawn, that's where the battle will be fought, so you may as well plant your flag in a more advantageous position.
Of course you should plant your flag advantageously.  But there are different types of advantages.  Not spending days fighting with my sister over a fairly inconsequential amount of money would be far more advantageous to me than having a few extra dollars.  So she walks away with a few more trinkets (that I don't specifically want) than I do.  So what?  This seems to me like an argument a child would have, since you bring up children.  They don't really want or need the toy, but they are going to freak out and throw a tantrum about how unfair it is if someone else gets it. 

It's not about appeasement.  It's about not getting into arguments and causing myself stress and time over things that don't actually matter to me.  If I don't want the old china cabinet worth about $200 and my sibling takes it and sells it, so what?  I'm going to get worked up and put myself through the fight for $100?  Nope.  Not worth it to me. 
You're right, but that's not the point I was trying to make.  What I was trying to say is that no matter where you divide the inheritance, the sister may throw a tantrum.  So you might as well draw the line somewhat to the sister's disadvantage, knowing in advance that she'll kick and scream about being treated unfairly.  Then you can gracefully cede some ground to make her happy, without giving up any of your half.

And yeah, a lot of these stories sound like little kids who care less about having something than they do about having something at someone else's expense.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1527 on: January 03, 2019, 01:55:47 PM »
That sounds an awful lot like appeasement. I've never dealt with adults in that situation, but when I watch it in my kids, there is no avoiding the whining or tantrum. Wherever the boundary is drawn, that's where the battle will be fought, so you may as well plant your flag in a more advantageous position.
Of course you should plant your flag advantageously.  But there are different types of advantages.  Not spending days fighting with my sister over a fairly inconsequential amount of money would be far more advantageous to me than having a few extra dollars.  So she walks away with a few more trinkets (that I don't specifically want) than I do.  So what?  This seems to me like an argument a child would have, since you bring up children.  They don't really want or need the toy, but they are going to freak out and throw a tantrum about how unfair it is if someone else gets it. 

It's not about appeasement.  It's about not getting into arguments and causing myself stress and time over things that don't actually matter to me.  If I don't want the old china cabinet worth about $200 and my sibling takes it and sells it, so what?  I'm going to get worked up and put myself through the fight for $100?  Nope.  Not worth it to me. 
You're right, but that's not the point I was trying to make.  What I was trying to say is that no matter where you divide the inheritance, the sister may throw a tantrum.  So you might as well draw the line somewhat to the sister's disadvantage, knowing in advance that she'll kick and scream about being treated unfairly.  Then you can gracefully cede some ground to make her happy, without giving up any of your half.

And yeah, a lot of these stories sound like little kids who care less about having something than they do about having something at someone else's expense.

True, but how about the Sister learns to be an adult and not behave inappropriately?

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1528 on: January 03, 2019, 03:20:11 PM »
That sounds an awful lot like appeasement. I've never dealt with adults in that situation, but when I watch it in my kids, there is no avoiding the whining or tantrum. Wherever the boundary is drawn, that's where the battle will be fought, so you may as well plant your flag in a more advantageous position.
Of course you should plant your flag advantageously.  But there are different types of advantages.  Not spending days fighting with my sister over a fairly inconsequential amount of money would be far more advantageous to me than having a few extra dollars.  So she walks away with a few more trinkets (that I don't specifically want) than I do.  So what?  This seems to me like an argument a child would have, since you bring up children.  They don't really want or need the toy, but they are going to freak out and throw a tantrum about how unfair it is if someone else gets it. 

It's not about appeasement.  It's about not getting into arguments and causing myself stress and time over things that don't actually matter to me.  If I don't want the old china cabinet worth about $200 and my sibling takes it and sells it, so what?  I'm going to get worked up and put myself through the fight for $100?  Nope.  Not worth it to me. 
You're right, but that's not the point I was trying to make.  What I was trying to say is that no matter where you divide the inheritance, the sister may throw a tantrum.  So you might as well draw the line somewhat to the sister's disadvantage, knowing in advance that she'll kick and scream about being treated unfairly.  Then you can gracefully cede some ground to make her happy, without giving up any of your half.

And yeah, a lot of these stories sound like little kids who care less about having something than they do about having something at someone else's expense.

True, but how about the Sister learns to be an adult and not behave inappropriately?

If at any point you learn the secret to make other people change their behavior and develop a better character, you'll be granted a Nobel prize of some kind. Failing that, each of us has to settle for controlling the things we *can* control, which has mostly to do with our own behavior and choices.

We'd all like to make assholes less asshole-is but we just don't have the power.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1529 on: January 04, 2019, 07:14:32 AM »
Sorry, been away from the thread.

Oh, yah, she can have it all-  take the motorhome and all the cars.  And I will deduct it all from her side of the balance sheet and take the equal portion in cash for my side.  Fortunately the parents have a paid-for lake home and any imbalance will be taken from that and it should cover it completely. 

My point was that sister will expect to just grab all the stuff and then also have half the house and half the cash.  Not. Gonna. Happen.  She can grab all the material possessions she wants but it is coming out her half. I will give her a "deal" on the value of each of those bits of rolling stock since I won't have to go through the hassle of liquidating them but they will certainly not be freely given from the estate just cuz she wants it that way.   

Simple as that.  She can be the same grubby little creep she has always been but I control the ledger and final balance sheet.  It will be stressful but she is not going to change. 

On the low-dollar items, I suppose I could come up with a blanket estimate for the small bits rather than itemized.  When my former in-laws died we did have an actual garage sale.  SIL showed up expecting to walk away with a fistful of cash.  Nope.  The money went into the estate for distribution to all of the siblings as named in the will which wasn't settled for another 5 months.  People just don't get it--they think it is a big grab-athon and they can just walk off with things.
 
The best thing that could happen is that my parents live a long, long time and spend their last dollar on the day of their death.  Use all of their money to have excellent health support and services and then keel over as they tip the daily maid with their last sawbuck.  Fingers crossed. 
« Last Edit: January 04, 2019, 07:18:42 AM by MissNancyPryor »

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1530 on: January 04, 2019, 08:19:00 AM »
Sorry, been away from the thread.

Oh, yah, she can have it all-  take the motorhome and all the cars.  And I will deduct it all from her side of the balance sheet and take the equal portion in cash for my side.  Fortunately the parents have a paid-for lake home and any imbalance will be taken from that and it should cover it completely. 

My point was that sister will expect to just grab all the stuff and then also have half the house and half the cash.  Not. Gonna. Happen.  She can grab all the material possessions she wants but it is coming out her half. I will give her a "deal" on the value of each of those bits of rolling stock since I won't have to go through the hassle of liquidating them but they will certainly not be freely given from the estate just cuz she wants it that way.   

Simple as that.  She can be the same grubby little creep she has always been but I control the ledger and final balance sheet.  It will be stressful but she is not going to change. 

On the low-dollar items, I suppose I could come up with a blanket estimate for the small bits rather than itemized.  When my former in-laws died we did have an actual garage sale.  SIL showed up expecting to walk away with a fistful of cash.  Nope.  The money went into the estate for distribution to all of the siblings as named in the will which wasn't settled for another 5 months.  People just don't get it--they think it is a big grab-athon and they can just walk off with things.
 
The best thing that could happen is that my parents live a long, long time and spend their last dollar on the day of their death.  Use all of their money to have excellent health support and services and then keel over as they tip the daily maid with their last sawbuck.  Fingers crossed.
This is exactly what happened with my sister and the car. My plan was to do exactly what you outlined, but alas, I have a co-executor. You see, my mom had instructed us to put our names on anything we wanted in the house, meaning futniture, tchotchkes, etc. My sister shimmied under the car, wrote her name on the chassis, and told everyone what she did. Ha Ha, you're funny, sez one and all, it's part of the estate. Nothing that anyone else chose had much more than sentimental value.

When the remaining parent died, she harassed the shit out of the other co-executor until he gave her the car. Then all my siblings "voted" to let her keep it, and divide the proceeds without regard to the value of the car. Yup, this is the sister who "took care" of my parents for more than a few years while she was voluntarily unemployed. During which she was on the parental life support system, and worked them like a pro. Later, still unemployed but not doing the caretaking, she embezzled at least $11,000 by using their CC at a casino ATM. Fuck you, asshole.

MNP, be glad there is no co-executor.  My parents thought it would ease the burden. It did not. My father was an invalid for the last year of his life.  My brother, and his angel on earth of a wife, took excellent care of him in their home. Since my brother had been handling Dad's affairs, it was logical for him to continue to do so, at least initially. My shark sister took advantage of his genuine grief. Eventually, I had to step in and be the "bad guy". Have I already said, "fuck you, asshole"?

In my earlier comment, I mentioned there was much redacted. Even this tale is just a snippet of the shit she has pulled. A forensic accountant would have had a field day, but the estate was not large, and I value my relationships with the rest of my family.

saguaro

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1531 on: January 04, 2019, 11:18:05 AM »
The best thing that could happen is that my parents live a long, long time and spend their last dollar on the day of their death.  Use all of their money to have excellent health support and services and then keel over as they tip the daily maid with their last sawbuck.  Fingers crossed.

The above is exactly what I have said about my in-laws.   And it could happen as they recently sold their second home because they could no longer afford to keep it. 

My SIL is a lot like your sister, MNP, she has gotten insane amounts of financial support from her parents, has "worked them like a pro" to get whatever she wants for herself or her kids.  Even though she has a husband who has mostly made a good income over the years.  It has continued well into MIL/FIL's retirement.   It would be different if there was long term unemployment, health issues, disability or some other misfortune but none of these issues have happened.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1532 on: January 04, 2019, 11:42:11 AM »
I feel bad for a lot of these people.... MORE is never ENOUGH. As they never have ENOUGH, than can never be truly happy. They are always seeking out MORE, but can never get there because they do not understand that STUFF is just something they want to fill in the empty space.

They all need a big 'ole dose of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

JGS

iluvzbeach

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1533 on: January 04, 2019, 06:19:57 PM »
Ditto what JGS said!

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1534 on: January 04, 2019, 07:04:39 PM »
Ditto what JGS said!

A little dose of Mustachian behavioral therapy wouldn’t hurt either

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1535 on: January 09, 2019, 07:00:01 AM »
I've had several facebook friends share a clip from a Dr. Phil show in which the 15-year-old daughter is asking her mom for a $2,500/month allowance, and a "G-wagon", which I guess is a car, but it's a lot nicer than a Mercedes C-Class.

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1536 on: January 09, 2019, 07:04:52 AM »
I've had several facebook friends share a clip from a Dr. Phil show in which the 15-year-old daughter is asking her mom for a $2,500/month allowance, and a "G-wagon", which I guess is a car, but it's a lot nicer than a Mercedes C-Class.
Does this fit here because the kid is working so hard on spending it now that there won't be an inhertiance?

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1537 on: January 09, 2019, 07:50:25 AM »
I've had several facebook friends share a clip from a Dr. Phil show in which the 15-year-old daughter is asking her mom for a $2,500/month allowance, and a "G-wagon", which I guess is a car, but it's a lot nicer than a Mercedes C-Class.
Gee, I wish I had a $2,500/mo allowance to spend on whatever I want.  TBH, though, since I have a full-time job and a wife and kids, I probably wouldn't have time to spend that much anyway, since I'd want to spend it on Stuff for Projects.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1538 on: January 14, 2019, 09:15:56 PM »
Recently found out that my grandpa had a life insurance policy (not sure why he still had one, as he was in his late 90's).  The beneficiaries were only my dad and my uncle, and excluded my aunt.  I felt so horrible for her since she'd already been treated like a second-class citizen for being a woman her whole life, and I'm sure that it hurt her deeply to find this out after her father's death.  It wasn't much money, but of course it's not about the money.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1539 on: January 14, 2019, 11:30:01 PM »
Recently found out that my grandpa had a life insurance policy (not sure why he still had one, as he was in his late 90's).  The beneficiaries were only my dad and my uncle, and excluded my aunt.  I felt so horrible for her since she'd already been treated like a second-class citizen for being a woman her whole life, and I'm sure that it hurt her deeply to find this out after her father's death.  It wasn't much money, but of course it's not about the money.

I hope your dad and uncle shared the proceeds after the fact?

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1540 on: January 15, 2019, 12:12:49 AM »
Recently found out that my grandpa had a life insurance policy (not sure why he still had one, as he was in his late 90's).  The beneficiaries were only my dad and my uncle, and excluded my aunt.  I felt so horrible for her since she'd already been treated like a second-class citizen for being a woman her whole life, and I'm sure that it hurt her deeply to find this out after her father's death.  It wasn't much money, but of course it's not about the money.

I hope your dad and uncle shared the proceeds after the fact?

My dad is dead, so as the executor of my grandpa's estate my uncle is giving my dad's share to me and my sister, which is the only reason I know about this.  When I heard about my aunt not being included, I said we should split it but my uncle said best not to bring it up and it's so little money (in the hundreds of dollars) that it won't make a difference to her.  I'm just horrified at what a shitty thing my grandpa did.

DadJokes

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1541 on: January 15, 2019, 09:18:15 AM »
It's a crappy way to treat a daughter in this day and age, but society was different in his day. When daughters married, they would leave their family and join their husband's family.

I knew I would get something out of reading Pride and Prejudice. I guess my high school English teacher was right.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1542 on: January 15, 2019, 10:14:34 AM »
Recently found out that my grandpa had a life insurance policy (not sure why he still had one, as he was in his late 90's).  The beneficiaries were only my dad and my uncle, and excluded my aunt.  I felt so horrible for her since she'd already been treated like a second-class citizen for being a woman her whole life, and I'm sure that it hurt her deeply to find this out after her father's death.  It wasn't much money, but of course it's not about the money.

I hope your dad and uncle shared the proceeds after the fact?

My dad is dead, so as the executor of my grandpa's estate my uncle is giving my dad's share to me and my sister, which is the only reason I know about this.  When I heard about my aunt not being included, I said we should split it but my uncle said best not to bring it up and it's so little money (in the hundreds of dollars) that it won't make a difference to her.  I'm just horrified at what a shitty thing my grandpa did.

I'd pass it along to the Aunt just like if the grandfather meant it to go to her even if it came out of my pocket.

Amazing how we humans can treat each other based on factors we can't change such as race or gender. Racism and patriarchy can't fade away fast enough for me.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1543 on: January 15, 2019, 11:50:19 AM »
It's a crappy way to treat a daughter in this day and age, but society was different in his day. When daughters married, they would leave their family and join their husband's family.

I knew I would get something out of reading Pride and Prejudice. I guess my high school English teacher was right.


I doubt this grandpa was around when Pride and Prejudice was written.  My mother in law and her sister were cut out of their parents will so that just her two brothers inherited the farm where they grew up.  Neither she nor her sister ever spoke to their brothers again.  And this all happened in the 1950s.  So it definitely wasn't the norm even back then.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1544 on: January 15, 2019, 12:53:44 PM »
It's a crappy way to treat a daughter in this day and age, but society was different in his day.

We're also from a different culture but my grandpa has been in North America for quite some time and everything else in the will was divided fairly to all children (living and deceased, as there were more siblings).  I have no idea why this stupid tiny life insurance policy was the one place where he legally singled her out.  My aunt did SO MUCH for my grandpa, too.

I'd pass it along to the Aunt just like if the grandfather meant it to go to her even if it came out of my pocket.

It's complicated since we aren't even in the same country...

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1545 on: January 15, 2019, 01:41:15 PM »
It's a crappy way to treat a daughter in this day and age, but society was different in his day.

We're also from a different culture but my grandpa has been in North America for quite some time and everything else in the will was divided fairly to all children (living and deceased, as there were more siblings).  I have no idea why this stupid tiny life insurance policy was the one place where he legally singled her out.  My aunt did SO MUCH for my grandpa, too.


Was she younger than the two males?  Perhaps he just forgot to update the policy?  (One can hope.)

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1546 on: January 15, 2019, 01:59:09 PM »
It's a crappy way to treat a daughter in this day and age, but society was different in his day.

We're also from a different culture but my grandpa has been in North America for quite some time and everything else in the will was divided fairly to all children (living and deceased, as there were more siblings).  I have no idea why this stupid tiny life insurance policy was the one place where he legally singled her out.  My aunt did SO MUCH for my grandpa, too.


Was she younger than the two males?  Perhaps he just forgot to update the policy?  (One can hope.)

This aunt is the oldest... and actually, my other aunt who would have been alive when the beneficiaries were updated was left out as well!  :(

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1547 on: January 15, 2019, 04:29:28 PM »
It's a crappy way to treat a daughter in this day and age, but society was different in his day.

We're also from a different culture but my grandpa has been in North America for quite some time and everything else in the will was divided fairly to all children (living and deceased, as there were more siblings).  I have no idea why this stupid tiny life insurance policy was the one place where he legally singled her out.  My aunt did SO MUCH for my grandpa, too.


Was she younger than the two males?  Perhaps he just forgot to update the policy?  (One can hope.)

This aunt is the oldest... and actually, my other aunt who would have been alive when the beneficiaries were updated was left out as well!  :(

Insurance is routinely used as a tool to equalize an inheritance. I'm not saying that it happened in this specific case. But there are some families in which some of the adult kids receive substantially more financial support from their parents during their lifetime. I'm talking about a vehicle, education, big weddings, support post-divorce, or other things parents sometimes provide for one child but not for another. If any of that happened, even decades before, the insurance policy could have been an equalization plan.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1548 on: January 16, 2019, 10:51:09 AM »
It's a crappy way to treat a daughter in this day and age, but society was different in his day.

We're also from a different culture but my grandpa has been in North America for quite some time and everything else in the will was divided fairly to all children (living and deceased, as there were more siblings).  I have no idea why this stupid tiny life insurance policy was the one place where he legally singled her out.  My aunt did SO MUCH for my grandpa, too.


Was she younger than the two males?  Perhaps he just forgot to update the policy?  (One can hope.)

This aunt is the oldest... and actually, my other aunt who would have been alive when the beneficiaries were updated was left out as well!  :(

I still think it's not as uncommon as people think in the US - especially for people of that age.  My grandparents had 7 children.  You'll find my "story" way up in the thread.  His will/trust was divided into two.  Your daughters got married and became part of the man's family.  So his trust had about a half a million in one and about $200,000 in the other.  The two boys split the half mil and the 3 girls and surviving daughter in law split the $200,000.  (Third son got part of the business while grandpa was still alive.)

Maybe it's a rural thing, maybe a Catholic thing?  Dunno. 

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #1549 on: January 16, 2019, 11:19:39 AM »
I agree with mm1970. Unfortunately, this kind of old-school (ancient) way of life is very alive and well in some parts of our country, the richest on Earth. My mother is the oldest of 5 and recently went through inheritance drama regarding her father's estate that I won't get in to here. She grew up on a farm in Kansas, and the land and money was viewed by my grandparents as a very territorial thing you hold on to forever, f*** what your kids think is best. Sons are very favored. Granted, we're talking about rural Kansas, but also 2019. This mentality is how an 80-something-year-old man works on his farm right up until he goes to his deathbed. Climbing into tractors. Buying a fancy custom off-road-style wheelchair. I believe he was "working" a month before he died. I imagine he equated retirement with death. He believed his value and the meaning of life was work...nothing else.

My mother was with her mom when talking to the pastor about my grandfather and the eulogy at the service. Pastor is asking ?s, trying to get details about this guy he never knew that he's about to eulogize. Paraphrasing:
Pastor: "well, you'd say he was a family man, right? family was always most important?"
Grandma: "no. work always came before family."

Makes me sick. This is the absolute last thing I would want my wife to say at my funeral. I had a pretty positive feeling toward my grandfather 5 years ago (even 1, during the inheritance drama). I guess I still do in some ways. But the above statement changed a lot of things in my mind.

/rant