Oh boy, a thread for me to vent on...
Here's my story (so far:)
Grandparents set up a custodial UTMA account for me when I was young, naming my mother the custodian. Custodial UTMA accounts are a unique kind of gift: the money is the beneficiary's property from the moment it's deposited in the account, and outside of a few exceptions, the money is turned over the the beneficiary at age 21. My grandfather originally intended for it to pay for my college expenses. (This was actually a poor decision, due to financial aid requirements.)
I found out about the account around age 16 or so, and started depositing my own money in it, as my mother was investing it (on my behalf) into CDs and mutual funds. I didn't have to put the money, there -- I could've kept it under my mattress as cash, or even spent it. But I wanted to save it, and was enamored by the idea of compound interest, and how my small art commissions would add up, over the years.
Here's where it turns shitty. My parents refused to use the money for my college, insisting they pay for my college expenses, themselves. Wanting the freedom to choose my own major (I wanted to be an electrical engineer, and my parents outright laughed at me, and insisted that women don't make good engineers. For the record, I had the grades for it, and was an honors student.) I even asked if I could only use the portion of the funds I'd deposited, myself, but they said no. After that, I tried applying for loans, scholarships, and financial assistance, wanting to pay my own way so there wouldn't be any strings attached. I got some scholarships, but not enough to cover all of my tuition. The custodial account (given that it is counted as my property, no matter that I'm unable to withdraw from it,) made me ineligible for financial aid, and the parents found & tore up the loan docs, harassing & belittling me for even trying. They were insistent, and I eventually capitulated. Looking back, I should've kept trying, but I was too afraid of what they might escalate to, next.
I've since speculated this was due to a possible tax break they'd get, giving me this gift (the tuition.) They considered the custodial money "theirs," and were looking for a way to save more money. I didn't mind cutting them a break, except for the part where they were blocking me from my dream career. Simultaneously, they complained to my grandparents that my college was incredibly expensive, and that I was too incompetent to get myself any scholarships (this was a lie,) which encouraged my grandparents to gift "me" more money -- my mother took the cash gift, and I assume it offset most of my college expenses. This is something of a habit for them, and my grandparents regularly gift them cash. It should be noted that my parents are quite wealthy (they outright own multiple rental properties, invest most of their income, and have little spending (they live off of a portion of the interest/rent), & have no debt.) They didn't need to dig into their savings to pay for my college.
Once I turned 21, my mother was supposed to sign the account over, ending custodianship. She refused, lying and claiming the account never existed. (I eventually spoke to the bank and confirmed the account existed.) I became suspicious, but decided to let it go, & accept the money I'd invested as lost, as they had paid for my college (no matter the overt sexist undertones.) I needed to focus on internships (and save my own money, this time in my own account.) As this went on, my mother strongly insisted on doing all my taxes, refusing to let me see my own tax documents. Again, I felt suspicious. She said she was doing me a favor, that taxes were "too difficult" for me at that age, etc. I was deeply skeptical of that claim, but was (again) bullied into silence when I started to investigate.
This year, I turned 26, and am living across the country from them. It seems unreasonable to have my mother do my taxes for me, due to unrelated quarrels (she dislikes that I have a girlfriend, and has claimed to have written me out of the will for being gay. She also said she plans to withhold my tax documents from me, and from the IRS, in order to get them to give me a 10% "penalty." I made sure to re-route all my mail to my new address, so this seems like an empty threat. I've also never expected to inherit most of their wealth, given that I knew how my mother would react to any girlfriends. I still don't know why she is demanding to do my taxes, though I'm beginning to suspect there are more accounts in my name I don't know about...)
A little before the girlfriend-blowout, I learned that the money hasn't been reinvested since 2011, and has been just sitting in the account, losing value. She's illegally refusing to sign it over, and the brokerage firm can't reinvest it with her as custodian (at least, as far as I understand it,) because she isn't legally (or otherwise) my guardian. The bank is in an awkward spot -- their official policy is that the custodian needs to sign over the account, but legally the custodian is required to do so when the beneficiary turns 21, unless the custodian can prove the beneficiary is mentally incompetent, or otherwise unfit. (That typically means: documented drug problems/alcoholism, problems with the law, mental illness or disability requiring adult guardianship. I have no such issues.) I asked her again about the account (this time with information from the bank,) and she told me it is actually a trust, and that I'm "never seeing a penny," and that she "can do whatever" she wants, with it.This was, again, before she even learned about the girlfriend. I called the bank, again, and they confirmed that the account is a custodial UTMA, not a trust, and that my mother was legally obligated to sign away custodianship when I turned 21.
Everyone I've told this story to has strongly advised me to get a lawyer, and I hesitated for months, hoping some reasonable solution could be reached. (For example, giving me a portion of the funds to invest in index funds, so that I could demonstrate that I'm a responsible investor, but every possible compromise was rejected.) The bank said that if I can get a court order, they'll happily turn it over. I also checked to make sure my mother hasn't drained the account, but it seems she hasn't. (A little after that, my mother discovered the girlfriend, and we had our largely-unrelated fight.)
I think I'd understand her reluctance if I'd been demonstrated to be bad with money, but you're talking to the person who has saved every penny since starting high school, who made an effort to learn about investing (my parents refused to teach me, and I worried I'd make poor, uninformed decisions about money if I didn't know anything about saving.) I've no arrests, no drug/alcohol problems, interned for two years while earning my Master's degree, do DIY projects, run my own side-business, and took to mustachian living early on. I don't have a car, bike everywhere, don't have a cable subscription, etc.
She refused to sign it over, even before learning I wasn't straight, so it can't only be that. Before, she said the money would be put aside for when I wanted to buy a house, but when I mentioned getting out of the renter's trap, and buying a house (combining my then-savings with the money in the custodial account,) she said I was far too young to be a homeowner (I was 25,) and that I'm... (she changed her argument with every conversation: ...too young, too lazy, need a husband before thinking about home-ownership, need to live with them because she's lonely, wouldn't mow my own grass because I'm afraid of dirt (I have my own garden, for chrissake,) ...and need to solve those issues first, before even thinking about home ownership. They were against me moving out, too, which ended up having to be done somewhat secretly, to avoid continued harassment.) It was exasperating. I could neither invest it, nor use it for what my mother claimed to want me to use it on. She couldn't invest it, either. It was just sitting there, and either investing it or buying a house would speed up FI by years.
I've tried talking to intermediaries that would sway her, (again, before she discovered the girlfriend.) My grandfather wants me to have the money, but my mother told him the money was all spent on my college, and that I'm trying to extort them. I don't think he really believes her, but she's the one managing his finances, now, so he isn't in much of a position to fight back. My father believes anything my mother tells him, (in this case, that I've "never worked a day" in my life, and that I'm "completely refusing to work." She once convinced my dad that I was running away to join a cult, of all things. Another time, she attempted to convince my dad that 16-year-old me was incapable of bathing myself. (What? I'm neither mentally nor physically impaired.) She also regularly accused my father of various ills, and attempted to convince a younger me that he was abusing her. (He wasn't.))
In the end, what decided my response was the need for an unexpected surgery & a coinciding unexpected period of unemployment, after she confronted me about the girlfriend. It wiped out most of my savings, and my (former-second, now-primary) stream of income is slowly growing, but not fast enough to cover expenses. That's largely why I'm back on this site -- a means of finding non-obvious ways to reduce spending.
So, I've gotten a lawyer. I dislike doing it, and it feels scummy. Growing up, I was taught I owed everything to them, and I mean EVERYTHING. My art talent/skill wasn't my own, neither were my grades, study habits, etc. They even said my friends only liked me due to my parents' large house! Looking back, this is abusive behavior. (And for the sake of brevity, I'm leaving out descriptions of the years of physical abuse, including chemical burns, and other assorted, but mostly unrelated, abuse.) They weren't parents trying to prepare their child for the world -- they wanted me under their control, and dependent on them (or another male authority figure.) Their primary goal when I attended college was for me to find a husband, for chrissake. I know this is going to wreck whatever remains of my relationship to my mother, and likely the rest of my biological family, too. But given the girlfriend-arguments and already strained relationship, I'm not sure that's much of a loss.
I could let the money go, but I've now been unemployed* for near 6 months, and my savings are drying up. It's getting spooky, and the medical problems aren't going away, either. At this pace, I'll either end up homeless** in four months, or will be couch surfing on friends' couches until I run out of social capital.
It's a shitty situation, all around. I wish I had a better idea.
And I suppose I'm writing this all down, here, because I still feel like an entitled, lazy, and spoiled child for suing them, and it's mostly my fault I'm in this position, in the first place. I decided I was secure enough to have a girlfriend. I could've played it safe, just let her go, not dated her, and I wouldn't be in this position. I could've also prioritized financial safety more than I did (and lived with my parents,) over moving out & getting away from them. I thought the amount of runway I'd given myself was enough, and I was wrong. I made the mess, and I should accept my consequences with grace, and stop complaining.
Expressing this viewpoint to my chosen family/friends has not gone over well, and as the situation worsens, my options are narrowing to homelessness, asking for more leniency or even help from my friends, or getting the court order. I'd rather be homeless than burden my friends, and I'd rather get the court order than be homeless.
I retained the lawyer this past week, and anytime I think about it, I still feel like I'm a bad person. It's hard to believe the people in my life who think I've been wronged, in part because they're so obviously on my side. But you, dear internet strangers, don't know me from Adam.
* unemployment: in my current profession (a specialized branch of data science), every job I've applied to wants either a PhD, or 5-8 years of industry experience. I've applied to everything even remotely related in the area, even if they require a PhD, but I only got two callbacks in six months. I'm taking up small projects, and am attempting to learn more in my field, in the hopes that demonstrating skill will be enough. I've also had professionals review my resume. I'm not making obvious errors: no tacky/sleazy social media posts, no disciplinary action, left on good terms with previous supervisors/professors, etc. The advice of those in my field has been to get a PhD. Without a full scholarship, though, that seems infeasible. (Also, some portion of financial aid depends on need, and I don't qualify.)
I've additionally tried minimum wage places, but they balk at the lack of service experience, and the Master's degree. I've been even going online looking for tutoring gigs, (I have previous experience as a tutor and TA,) but so far, no luck.
Lately, in addition to applying to as many jobs as I can, I've been pouring energy into my side business (illustration,) and am hoping more commissions will start coming in, but that's moving slowly. I'm not giving up by any means, though. There are likely options I just haven't thought of or tried, yet.
** homelessness: the rest of the family is about-as or more uncomfortable with LGBT folk, as my parents. I can't stay with them, or with my parents. (Pretending to go back in the closet would be met with disbelief and scorn -- I've already shamed the family, and that "shame" cannot be undone.) My roommates are letting me pay reduced rent until I get a job, in exchange for labor, but they'll eventually run out of patience, I expect. I don't believe I can get cheaper rent in my area, as it stands. My current expenses can be boiled down to rent (includes utilities,) groceries, and my (cheap google-fi) phone plan, and (rare) interactions with public transit.