Author Topic: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.  (Read 994796 times)

SunnyDays

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2350 on: February 16, 2021, 09:15:12 AM »
Thank you all for your kind words. It has taken me until this last year to just move past some of this and forgive my sister. I think the biggest part of my forgiveness though has revolved around the fact that I need to lower my expectations with her. Sadly, her character has left me with the type of relationship you have with a coworker, not the one we used to have.

When it comes to forgiving someone who will not change his or her behavior, there are two necessary things. First, you have lowered your expectations. Not expecting her to change will save you a huge amount of time and stress. Second, you have put enough distance into the relationship for her behavior to not have a direct effect on you. From that position, it's easy to "forgive" in the sense of not pursuing her for revenge (which doesn't sound like your style anyway) and not investing any more thought or emotional energy into stewing over the initial offense.

Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to give the other person another opportunity to hurt you.


Agree.  Forgiveness is for your sake, so you don't carry around resentment that will only hurt you in the end.  But it's wise not to forget and not to put yourself in any position with her where her character defect(s) can cause you further harm.  It's sad that your relationship with her has been damaged, but she obviously doesn't care enough about that to take responsibility.  Like Maya Angelou said, "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time."

Imma

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2351 on: February 16, 2021, 10:30:45 AM »
Thank you all for your kind words. It has taken me until this last year to just move past some of this and forgive my sister. I think the biggest part of my forgiveness though has revolved around the fact that I need to lower my expectations with her. Sadly, her character has left me with the type of relationship you have with a coworker, not the one we used to have.

When it comes to forgiving someone who will not change his or her behavior, there are two necessary things. First, you have lowered your expectations. Not expecting her to change will save you a huge amount of time and stress. Second, you have put enough distance into the relationship for her behavior to not have a direct effect on you. From that position, it's easy to "forgive" in the sense of not pursuing her for revenge (which doesn't sound like your style anyway) and not investing any more thought or emotional energy into stewing over the initial offense.

Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to give the other person another opportunity to hurt you.


Agree.  Forgiveness is for your sake, so you don't carry around resentment that will only hurt you in the end.  But it's wise not to forget and not to put yourself in any position with her where her character defect(s) can cause you further harm.  It's sad that your relationship with her has been damaged, but she obviously doesn't care enough about that to take responsibility.  Like Maya Angelou said, "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time."

It's been a few years so I don't remember where I read it, but one of the most helpful things I've ever read was something like this: "When someone mistreats someone else, with their act they create a negative emotional connection, an emotional debt. Trying to chase after this debt takes a lot of time and energy, and in most cases, this debt can never be fully repaid: the damage cannot be undone or compensated for. When you forgive this debt, you release yourself from the pressure of chasing after it. You no longer have to spend negative energy on someone (wishing someone harm, plotting grevenge) You need to get to a place where you can say: I leave him be. Whatever happens to him, be it good or bad, it's not my concern. When there is no debt, no negative emotional connection, people are free to go their own way, or to resume contact if they want to, without the pressure of the debt".

Someone in my family did awful things to me. At first I was angry of course. But I let it go. I hardly ever even think about that person anymore. If they won the lottery I don't think I'd have hard feelings, but if something awful happened to them I wouldn't be dancing on their grave either. It's just not a matter of concern for my anymore.

My family member is still angry with me though. Even though they have not even attempted to pay back the emotional debt - although it can never be repaid fully you could think of plenty of ways to start "repayments", first of all by acknowledging the existence of the debt - they are demanding "forgiveness" from me like I owe them something. I have forgiven them years and years ago. But "forgiveness" doesn't mean "everything is in the past, let's do what we always did'. It just means "I accept you cannot ever pay this back, so you don't have to and I'll be fine, and what happens to you is of no concern to me". When you forgive an actual loan you also don't have to go and lend money to that person again. You just have accepted that they aren't going to pay it back, and can either continue to see them or not. It's the same for an emotional debt.

AMandM

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2352 on: February 16, 2021, 03:34:46 PM »
That was a great quote, Imma. It also highlights that letting go of the debt in no way implies any consent to more debt in the future!
 
Even though they have not even attempted to pay back the emotional debt - although it can never be repaid fully you could think of plenty of ways to start "repayments", first of all by acknowledging the existence of the debt - they are demanding "forgiveness" from me like I owe them something.

So often, when a wrongdoer asks for forgiveness, what they really want is whitewashing. They want to be told that they don't owe anything because they never did, instead of recognizing that you have released them from the debt.

saguaro

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2353 on: February 17, 2021, 12:19:36 PM »
Quote from: Finances_With_Purpose link=topic=48800.msg2793262#msg2793262 ate=1613426431


All money does is magnify what's already there: for bad character, it's just a greater opportunity to do wrong.  As they did to you.  (And for good character, it's the opposite.) 
[...]money doesn't make people do anything that they wouldn't already do.  It just makes it easier.

I am curious: For those of you who've had to deal with crazy inheritance drama, was the crazy behaviour a bolt from the blue, brought into being as it were by the prospect of money? Or was is merely a larger-scale version of previous attitudes and patterns, magnified by the prospect of money?

Magnification, in my experience, over and over again. 

Now, there is once in a while an appearance that something is new when someone who had that kernel of a lout all along finally goes all in now that there's suddenly more to gain (e.g. the drunk who realizes that stealing will solve his financial problems caused by drinking), and folks who didn't know him/her well think it must have been the money, while folks who've known the person well aren't that surprised.

Also agree that in my experience it was magnification when it came to executor sister. 

Now in the beginning, I was hoping that she would do the right thing, especially since her role was now a legal responsibility and that same responsibility would ensure she would do things properly.  At the very least, I thought simple greed would get her to resolve things quickly because she was always stressing about "the money" when our parents were alive and pushed both me and youngest sister to pay some funeral costs in order to have "more money left for Dad" which she, of course, had control over.  But no, IMHO having control of our parents' estate was a playground for her controlling and bullying personality, a way to punish me and my younger sister over various "wrongs" either to her or our parents.   The money was a tool of that control, she was a beneficiary as well as executor which meant her decisions affected all of us.   She racked up costs while finding ways to reimburse herself or just flat out didn't account for things altogether. 

One of the very few relatives who knew the situation asked me how my late parents would have felt about getting an attorney to force the house sale.   My answer was "they would have not liked it but they shouldn't have been surprised". 
« Last Edit: February 17, 2021, 12:39:12 PM by saguaro »

mm1970

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2354 on: February 17, 2021, 01:55:50 PM »
Quote
My family member is still angry with me though. Even though they have not even attempted to pay back the emotional debt - although it can never be repaid fully you could think of plenty of ways to start "repayments", first of all by acknowledging the existence of the debt - they are demanding "forgiveness" from me like I owe them something. I have forgiven them years and years ago. But "forgiveness" doesn't mean "everything is in the past, let's do what we always did'. It just means "I accept you cannot ever pay this back, so you don't have to and I'll be fine, and what happens to you is of no concern to me". When you forgive an actual loan you also don't have to go and lend money to that person again. You just have accepted that they aren't going to pay it back, and can either continue to see them or not. It's the same for an emotional debt.
This is well said.  I've been reading some comments here and there about Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears of late.  Full disclosure: I don't know enough about either of them to know the full history, nor do I care to.  But apparently, he's apologized.

A significant percentage of headlines have been of the "too little, too late".  Is it really?  Do we REALLY want to say that people can't change, can't have regret, can't be better people?  Sure, in some cases, friends think it's "fake" and he's just trying to save himself from a business standpoint.  (Again, I don't know enough about the situation to know if that is true or false.)  What bothered me is the idea that we don't allow people to become better people.  We don't acknowledge that.

NOW, that doesn't mean she owes him forgiveness.  She owes him nothing.  Donald Trump could become Mother Teresa and I'd never forgive him for being an asshat narcissist.  It doesn't mean he shouldn't become a better person.

Hula Hoop

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2355 on: February 17, 2021, 02:41:27 PM »
With the Britney Spears thing, I also saw that Perez Hilton is now expressing regret for the way he covered her.  However, none of these people would have said a thing if the documentary hadn't come out.  They are only apologizing because they were "caught" not because they genuinely regret the way they behaved.

Imma

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2356 on: February 18, 2021, 05:47:05 AM »
I have not really followed the Britney documentary, but from what I believe she herself did not participate? So this is an outsider's view, and not necessarily her own view, right?

That said, I was a teenager when Britney and Justin were the most famous teen couple in the world, so I do remember a bit. In my country there's no viriginity cult like in the US so we were all very confused by why her virginity was such a big deal.  They had a long-term relationship and in our country, it would be the most normal thing if they eventually discovered sexuality together.

It must have been so confusing for her, to present as sexually provocative to an adult audience, which in itself is pretty sickening, regardless of whether she was a virgin or not, and to pretend she was a virgin and a good christian girl outside of the stage. But I also feel bad for teenage Justin. He was also a child star, growing up in the media. He didn't have to pretend he was a virgin because he was a boy, but I feel he was probably also under pressure to show he was a "red-blooded male"  and not a "sissy" who didn't sleep with his gorgeous girlfriend. In his position it was expected from him to brag about sexual conquests, because that's what we expect from handsome young men with lots of female admirers. They were just two teenagers and both of them were probably suffering from gendered expectations. Of course, being a woman, Britney got the worst of it.

I totally agree with you @Hula Hoop that public apologies in the media don't usually mean much. Maybe the documentary opened their eyes, maybe not, maybe they've felt bad about this for a long time, maybe they feel bad they got caught. I just hope that if any of them have anything to say they also reached out to Britney (and other people who got hurt) directly. It would be none of our business of course, but that's the only kind of apology that would mean something.

@AMandM Yes, whitewashing is the good word for my family member's behaviour. That's what they want. There's no genuine regret. But true regret can and does happen, like you said @mm1970 . It doesn't happen often in my experience, but it can happen. My partner also has a relative who has treated him badly in the past. They got in touch again after a few decades and the family member fully recognized what they did and apologized for it. It was clear it was hard for them to do, but they did it anyway. We're a few years later now and that family member is still putting in so much effort into healing this relationship. They're still making an effort, for example reading up on things that interest my partner so they can discuss them together. The past can't be changed but my partner is so happy that this person is trying so hard to be a better person now.

Zamboni

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2357 on: February 20, 2021, 04:05:52 AM »
So back to the box that of all the things his father owned, was the only thing he really made sure to give to his son while he was still alive. Bf opens the box, and what is in it?
Why, the wedding photos to the second wife. Not a long marriage, a few years, but he kept the photos for 25 years.

Did your bf have a close relationship with the second wife? If not, then that just seems weird to be the one thing he carefully gave his son.

livesimplecolorado

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2358 on: February 25, 2021, 08:59:12 AM »

I am curious: For those of you who've had to deal with crazy inheritance drama, was the crazy behaviour a bolt from the blue, brought into being as it were by the prospect of money? Or was is merely a larger-scale version of previous attitudes and patterns, magnified by the prospect of money?

To answer your question, it was completely uncharacteristic. We had what appeared to be a decent relationship prior. There were some cracks in the relationship prior but nothing that made me think that this is what would happen.

As a matter of fact, when they were both appointed POA I trusted them completely. Never questioned any decisions.

The problem I think stemmed from the fact that they always seemed to have financial drama. I think the financial drama put them over the edge. I know my sister had some resentment towards me because my husband and I had money, a home, investments because she would complain to my mother all the time. However, she never realized how much we busted our hump to have anything. When my husband and I met we had nothing.

They always aspired to live above their means and seemed concerned with what others thought of them too. Who knows, like I said, money makes people do crazy shit.

« Last Edit: February 25, 2021, 09:02:16 AM by livesimplecolorado »

Sibley

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2359 on: February 25, 2021, 09:08:22 AM »
It's actually not surprising that there's so much hinkyness wtih inheritances, especially executors. There's been a lot of research done into fraud and what leads to it. It takes 3 basic things - pressure, opportunity, and justification. Being an executor is opportunity. Financial problems or just plain old grief are pressures. Justification - well, mommy loved me more so I deserve it/mommy loved me less so I deserve it etc work just fine. It's probably more surprising that there are any instances where there isn't fraud.

livesimplecolorado

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2360 on: February 25, 2021, 09:15:26 AM »
Great @livesimplecolorado .  I got the sense that you had things together already, and I'm glad to hear that you do.  And I meant no criticism, either: it is genuinely hard dealing with folks who behave in those ways.  There's a reason that society often imprison people who act with that kind of disregard for others...

Thank you, and I did not take it as criticism at all. If anything, after all these years, it has been a learning experience for me. For a long time, I grieved the relationship with my sister. But now, it feels honest. I looked at everything through rose-colored glasses with her. The reality was that she always looked down on me and my husband and I never saw it. My friend said once that she underestimated me, thought they could get away with all of it. Perhaps she thought i was less intelligent or "sloppy." Who knows.

The last few months she has been putting a ton of effort into something, some kind of friendship, who knows. I also think she realizes I am indifferent to it, so maybe that is the reason? Guilt could be another, although she would never admit that. Indifference is a good place for me with her right now.

livesimplecolorado

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2361 on: February 25, 2021, 09:18:15 AM »
It's actually not surprising that there's so much hinkyness wtih inheritances, especially executors. There's been a lot of research done into fraud and what leads to it. It takes 3 basic things - pressure, opportunity, and justification. Being an executor is opportunity. Financial problems or just plain old grief are pressures. Justification - well, mommy loved me more so I deserve it/mommy loved me less so I deserve it etc work just fine. It's probably more surprising that there are any instances where there isn't fraud.

I agree with this. Entitlement really is the main issue. I was executor, I could have been so unethical, but I did what was right. So many people do the opposite though.

Scotts

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2362 on: February 25, 2021, 11:35:52 PM »


To answer your question, it was completely uncharacteristic. We had what appeared to be a decent relationship prior. There were some cracks in the relationship prior but nothing that made me think that this is what would happen.

As a matter of fact, when they were both appointed POA I trusted them completely. Never questioned any decisions.

The problem I think stemmed from the fact that they always seemed to have financial drama. I think the financial drama put them over the edge. I know my sister had some resentment towards me because my husband and I had money, a home, investments because she would complain to my mother all the time. However, she never realized how much we busted our hump to have anything. When my husband and I met we had nothing.

They always aspired to live above their means and seemed concerned with what others thought of them too. Who knows, like I said, money makes people do crazy shit.

Money is just a tool, not a cause. It has no bias one way or the other. Having it simply allows someone the freedom to make any decision they choose, good or bad.

saguaro

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2363 on: February 26, 2021, 09:47:02 AM »
Thank you, and I did not take it as criticism at all. If anything, after all these years, it has been a learning experience for me. For a long time, I grieved the relationship with my sister. But now, it feels honest. I looked at everything through rose-colored glasses with her. The reality was that she always looked down on me and my husband and I never saw it. My friend said once that she underestimated me, thought they could get away with all of it. Perhaps she thought i was less intelligent or "sloppy." Who knows.

Dealing with my sister over the last 6 years opened my eyes to how she really thinks and operates.    She has always been, to put it charitably, the source of much hand wringing by our parents but still when she had POA and then became executor, I didn't think she would stoop to fraud and outright theft.   I trusted she would do the right thing because it was our parents' estate.  To hear her tell it, she shouldered "all this responsibility", playing the martyr as opposed to me and my younger sister, but in discovering what I did while selling my parents' home it was pretty much a front for her to take what she wanted.  There are major questions over her handling of my dad's finances, after forcing an accounting from her (btw she was in violation of state law as well as blowing off the annual accounting provision in my parents' trust) but we were only entitled to see what she did as executor not when she had my dad's financial POA. 

All through this she exhibited outright hostility towards us and to this day, while she is making efforts to repair things, that hostility still is apparent, she can blow up at the littlest things.   I have gone through therapy to talk about what happened and while things have been patched up to some extent (for my nephews' sake tbh) I am not certain what the future holds.  I certainly can never trust her again. Covid has made it easy to keep my distance but once it's safe to have family gatherings I am not sure how much I want to see her except in group settings.   
« Last Edit: February 26, 2021, 09:49:07 AM by saguaro »

Psychstache

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2364 on: February 26, 2021, 02:27:32 PM »
She has always been, to put it charitably, the source of much hand wringing by our parents...

Pressure

she had POA and then became executor..

Opportunity


To hear her tell it, she shouldered "all this responsibility", playing the martyr as opposed to me and my younger sister...

Justification

saguaro

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2365 on: February 26, 2021, 03:36:34 PM »
She has always been, to put it charitably, the source of much hand wringing by our parents...
Pressure

she had POA and then became executor..
Opportunity

To hear her tell it, she shouldered "all this responsibility", playing the martyr as opposed to me and my younger sister...
Justification

Exactly all these things.   

Being tagged by my parents as the more difficult aka "Bad Daughter" earlier in life I believe this set her on the road to proving herself otherwise (in her view) while at the same time seeking compensation of sorts from them when she had the chance via financial POA and executor. 



TomTX

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2366 on: February 27, 2021, 08:33:38 PM »
Condolences that your sister is a thief who isn't above ripping off family and still emotionally abuses the family.

ZCP may be in order.

Lomonossov

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2367 on: March 03, 2021, 08:05:21 AM »
Hi all,

After reading the full thread from cover to cover, I decided to tell my inheritance drama as well. It's been an expensive way to learn some lessons. Forget the probable grammar and spelling mistakes of this non-native speaker, if you will. Just another long story, but I hope you find it interesting.

My family, like every other family, doesn't work properly. Mine works a little bit worse than the average, though. My parents got married, divorced, remarried (with each other) again, redivorced and remarried (to other people). My mom got herself a third divorce from the unlucky guy who decided to marry her, my father is still hanging in there. From each of the marriages between themselves, a son was born: I have a smaller brother. I'm 33, he's 25.

Most of my childhood is defined by visit to courts about custody and pre and post-divorce arguments about money. The fact that my parents are not able to handle finances properly is what led to the divorce in the first place. All the estate they were ever able to put together was a very small flat where my brother and I lived, while they were coming and going through the years as a result of different custody agreements and court orders. Every time a new parent came, it brought along pets, couples and their new life. Nobody really cared about my brother and me, we were mostly the free ticket to living in the property.

Eventually, I found a job and left. I was in college and working full time to rent a bedroom, but I was so happy I never had to come back to that place that I didn't care about being poor. My brother was a teenager at the time, and was stuck in that flat. As a result of the last custody change, my father was responsible but he just had found the woman that would become his wife, and decided to move with her, which meant that my brother was living by himself when he was in his late teens. My father paid the mortgage of that flat and gave him a few euros each week for groceries. My brother stopped going to school, and the whole place looked like a heroin-addict place.

After I finished college and found myself a proper average-paying job in a Megacorp I decided to move to the flat and try to make it work. I cleaned and renovated the whole place with money out of my pocket, paid all the bills and taxes that were due and forced my brother to go to trade school. He hated me for it, but after several years of living like a bum he got some training in cooking and found himself a job. I kept paying for all the cost of living for the both of us except from the flat itself, since my parents had finalized paying for it in the meantime. This arrangement lasted around 5 years in total, until I decided to move to another country. I still was sending money to my brother each month to help him get by. Terrible mistake.

Fast forward a few years my mom decides to sell her half of the property to a third party that sues my father to go on auction for his half. After some negotiations and in order to keep my brother living there - since he's earning just enough to live and has no savings to rent anything - we find an agreement in which my father donated his half to my brother, and my brother got a mortgage for the other half, which he bough from the second party. As part of the arrangement, I agreed to pay for half of the mortgage w/o owning any property, since our local law does not allow resident and non-resident mortgages at the same time. In summary, I was paying for half of the flat without owning it on paper because "we all know and appreciate your contribution, and half of it it's yours regardless of papers". Second terrible mistake.

Last summer my brother calls me and tells me that his new girlfriend moved in, after that he informs me that all my memories from childhood (books, pictures, some family objects) were taken to the trash "since you didn't take them with you in all these years" and that he will mail me whatever he's not dumped. After thinking it through I replied that since obviously the arrangement was not honored and I was not free to use the flat to store my things I did not feel welcome anymore and I would stop contributing, I also said I would not expect any reimbursement from my previous contributions. This is the last conversation we had, and it was in August. My father has approached me to ask me to "fix things with your brother" because "you are doing very well in life and does not make a big difference for you" and "one day everything will be sorted on paper, but right now your brother needs a place to live".

Sadly this story has damaged permanently my already not very good relationship with my family and on top of that has costed me a ton of money over the years. I should have set boundaries a long time ago, but the next best time is right now, so I decided to stand and not concede. I'm getting married a few weeks from now and my brother, who was supposed to be my witness, will not attend. I want to think that is for the best.

Due to our local laws parent to child gifts should be discounted from the inheritance, so I have the right to fight for some of this money in court when my parents pass. I don't really count on any inheritance at all for my plans, anyway, and I will probably just forget about the whole thing and renounce to the remaining small spoils that will be there when my parents pass. It's just sad how mixing money and family is a recipe for disaster.

If you made it that far, thanks for reading my sob inheritance story!

AlanStache

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2368 on: March 03, 2021, 09:12:27 AM »
Lomonossov - I might count you lucky that you did not have any paper work connecting you to the property; much easier to walk away financially.  Leaving family to there own mess can be hard. 

better late

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2369 on: March 03, 2021, 09:57:30 AM »
Condolences that your sister is a thief who isn't above ripping off family and still emotionally abuses the family.

ZCP may be in order.


ZCP?  Zero contact?

Lomonossov

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2370 on: March 03, 2021, 10:03:54 AM »
Lomonossov - I might count you lucky that you did not have any paper work connecting you to the property; much easier to walk away financially.  Leaving family to there own mess can be hard.

Yeah, in that sense I was at least able to cut the losses and don't have to be worried about the lack of maintenance or missing taxes.

The personal part is complicated, but if they just want to be in contact with me for my money I'd rather stop the relationship for the time being

Imma

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2371 on: March 03, 2021, 11:19:10 AM »
Lomonossov - I might count you lucky that you did not have any paper work connecting you to the property; much easier to walk away financially.  Leaving family to there own mess can be hard.

Yeah, in that sense I was at least able to cut the losses and don't have to be worried about the lack of maintenance or missing taxes.

The personal part is complicated, but if they just want to be in contact with me for my money I'd rather stop the relationship for the time being

I'm so sorry for you. That's an awful story. It's very sad to have to cut contact with your family (I know all about it) but sometimes it's the best thing you can do for yourself. It's clear what they appreciated you for.

Taran Wanderer

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2372 on: March 03, 2021, 09:32:16 PM »
Condolences that your sister is a thief who isn't above ripping off family and still emotionally abuses the family.

ZCP may be in order.

ZCP?  Zero contact?

Zero Contact Policy?

jeninco

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2373 on: March 03, 2021, 09:49:16 PM »
Condolences that your sister is a thief who isn't above ripping off family and still emotionally abuses the family.

ZCP may be in order.

ZCP?  Zero contact?

Zero Contact Policy?
I think Zero Contact Protocol.  Same difference, however.

Finances_With_Purpose

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2374 on: March 03, 2021, 11:08:05 PM »
That's just awful @Lomonossov .  But kudos to you for standing up for yourself and putting in some hard boundaries!  It's just the worst when family takes advantage of you. 

prudent_one

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2375 on: March 06, 2021, 09:03:05 AM »
Now in the beginning, I was hoping that she would do the right thing, especially since her role was now a legal responsibility and that same responsibility would ensure she would do things properly.

Having heard about estate drama with a number of friends who have endured it, I have come to realize that often you can predict how things are going to shake out. People who are morally "flexible" in everyday life will be just the same if an inheritance is involved. They brush off legalities because it's not fair, not what Dad/Mom would have wanted, I deserve, it's what's best, our situation is different... pick one or more.

The sibling who cheats on taxes, says it was a hit-and-run when they really drove into a pole, lies that their package wasn't delivered to get another one free, keeps the money from a wallet they found... that's who they are. And it won't be any different when an inheritance is involved with family.

markbike528CBX

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2376 on: March 06, 2021, 02:56:43 PM »
Now in the beginning, I was hoping that she would do the right thing, especially since her role was now a legal responsibility and that same responsibility would ensure she would do things properly.

Having heard about estate drama with a number of friends who have endured it, I have come to realize that often you can predict how things are going to shake out. People who are morally "flexible" in everyday life will be just the same if an inheritance is involved. They brush off legalities because it's not fair, not what Dad/Mom would have wanted, I deserve, it's what's best, our situation is different... pick one or more.

The sibling who cheats on taxes, says it was a hit-and-run when they really drove into a pole, lies that their package wasn't delivered to get another one free, keeps the money from a wallet they found... that's who they are. And it won't be any different when an inheritance is involved with family.
Off topic
Morally flexible reminds me of a housemate I had once, who was drummed out of a foreign military service for "excessive moral flexibility". 
Allegedly he whacked persons outside of the rules of engagement.
Nice guy, never showed even any irritation towards me, but not someone who's "big red button" you jam down on.
It's a high bar to leap over, but it allegedly can be done (third party story).   
I'd trust him with my wallet totally, and apparently others did with other stuff (too identifying info to specify what the stuff was).

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2377 on: March 06, 2021, 04:30:16 PM »
Hi all,

After reading the full thread from cover to cover, I decided to tell my inheritance drama as well. It's been an expensive way to learn some lessons. Forget the probable grammar and spelling mistakes of this non-native speaker, if you will. Just another long story, but I hope you find it interesting.

My family, like every other family, doesn't work properly. Mine works a little bit worse than the average, though. My parents got married, divorced, remarried (with each other) again, redivorced and remarried (to other people). My mom got herself a third divorce from the unlucky guy who decided to marry her, my father is still hanging in there. From each of the marriages between themselves, a son was born: I have a smaller brother. I'm 33, he's 25.

Most of my childhood is defined by visit to courts about custody and pre and post-divorce arguments about money. The fact that my parents are not able to handle finances properly is what led to the divorce in the first place. All the estate they were ever able to put together was a very small flat where my brother and I lived, while they were coming and going through the years as a result of different custody agreements and court orders. Every time a new parent came, it brought along pets, couples and their new life. Nobody really cared about my brother and me, we were mostly the free ticket to living in the property.

Eventually, I found a job and left. I was in college and working full time to rent a bedroom, but I was so happy I never had to come back to that place that I didn't care about being poor. My brother was a teenager at the time, and was stuck in that flat. As a result of the last custody change, my father was responsible but he just had found the woman that would become his wife, and decided to move with her, which meant that my brother was living by himself when he was in his late teens. My father paid the mortgage of that flat and gave him a few euros each week for groceries. My brother stopped going to school, and the whole place looked like a heroin-addict place.

After I finished college and found myself a proper average-paying job in a Megacorp I decided to move to the flat and try to make it work. I cleaned and renovated the whole place with money out of my pocket, paid all the bills and taxes that were due and forced my brother to go to trade school. He hated me for it, but after several years of living like a bum he got some training in cooking and found himself a job. I kept paying for all the cost of living for the both of us except from the flat itself, since my parents had finalized paying for it in the meantime. This arrangement lasted around 5 years in total, until I decided to move to another country. I still was sending money to my brother each month to help him get by. Terrible mistake.

Fast forward a few years my mom decides to sell her half of the property to a third party that sues my father to go on auction for his half. After some negotiations and in order to keep my brother living there - since he's earning just enough to live and has no savings to rent anything - we find an agreement in which my father donated his half to my brother, and my brother got a mortgage for the other half, which he bough from the second party. As part of the arrangement, I agreed to pay for half of the mortgage w/o owning any property, since our local law does not allow resident and non-resident mortgages at the same time. In summary, I was paying for half of the flat without owning it on paper because "we all know and appreciate your contribution, and half of it it's yours regardless of papers". Second terrible mistake.

Last summer my brother calls me and tells me that his new girlfriend moved in, after that he informs me that all my memories from childhood (books, pictures, some family objects) were taken to the trash "since you didn't take them with you in all these years" and that he will mail me whatever he's not dumped. After thinking it through I replied that since obviously the arrangement was not honored and I was not free to use the flat to store my things I did not feel welcome anymore and I would stop contributing, I also said I would not expect any reimbursement from my previous contributions. This is the last conversation we had, and it was in August. My father has approached me to ask me to "fix things with your brother" because "you are doing very well in life and does not make a big difference for you" and "one day everything will be sorted on paper, but right now your brother needs a place to live".

Sadly this story has damaged permanently my already not very good relationship with my family and on top of that has costed me a ton of money over the years. I should have set boundaries a long time ago, but the next best time is right now, so I decided to stand and not concede. I'm getting married a few weeks from now and my brother, who was supposed to be my witness, will not attend. I want to think that is for the best.

Due to our local laws parent to child gifts should be discounted from the inheritance, so I have the right to fight for some of this money in court when my parents pass. I don't really count on any inheritance at all for my plans, anyway, and I will probably just forget about the whole thing and renounce to the remaining small spoils that will be there when my parents pass. It's just sad how mixing money and family is a recipe for disaster.

If you made it that far, thanks for reading my sob inheritance story!

 Wondering if your brother "neglected" to mention to his girlfriend that you were paying 1/2 the mortgage cost of the apartment and somehow he framed it as you just irresponsibly left your stuff there. In any case, he sounds pretty incredible to me. Someone gave him half an apartment and you were splitting the cost of the other half without living there and somehow he managed screw it up by being a jerk. 

TomTX

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2378 on: March 06, 2021, 09:17:43 PM »
Condolences that your sister is a thief who isn't above ripping off family and still emotionally abuses the family.

ZCP may be in order.


ZCP?  Zero contact?

Zero Contact Protocol.

Set up a filter to route their email directly to the trash. Do not read the trash. Block them on all social media.  Block their number on your phone. etc.

saguaro

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2379 on: March 07, 2021, 11:03:54 AM »

The sibling who cheats on taxes, says it was a hit-and-run when they really drove into a pole, lies that their package wasn't delivered to get another one free, keeps the money from a wallet they found... that's who they are. And it won't be any different when an inheritance is involved with family. 

Executor sister was always the difficult, more "morally flexible" one growing up but as I left the family home shortly after college and no longer had to live with her, only seeing her socially for years afterward, I made the erroneous assumption that she actually matured, especially since she was a parent and she didn't tolerate too much nonsense from my nephews.   My BIL, her husband, now he was known to be more "morally flexible" but since this was my sister as executor and not him, I didn't worry too much about that.   Over the last couple of years, I have gotten a lot of stories from my youngest sister on both of them that are pretty damning on the personal integrity front.  Had I know this stuff beforehand, yeah, then I would have totally expected to see how things went down.  Youngest sister didn't share these things with me before because, in spite of what she knew, she did expect executor sister be honest since this was our parents' estate.

They brush off legalities because it's not fair, not what Dad/Mom would have wanted, I deserve, it's what's best, our situation is different.. pick one or more. 

"not fair", "I deserve" and "our situation is different" that was executor sister.  In spite of our parents telling us that the estate was to be evenly split 3 ways: "share and share alike" were their exact words, sister thought it was unfair.    She definitely felt she deserved more because she lived the closest to my parents (5 minutes away) which meant dealing with all the emergencies in their final years.   But I also learned that for years prior, my folks had her on speed dial for all kinds of things, things that were more a convenience than a need, as they were still healthy and independent to do these things themselves.  They came to rely on her long before they needed help and I think she fell into that dynamic because she had been tagged the "bad daughter" for so long this was her chance to prove herself the "good daughter who never says no" instead. The "our situation is different" piece was that her mindset was that she and BIL had kids as opposed to myself and youngest sister who have none.   Nephews were about to go to college and executor sister was wringing her hands over the college costs.

FWIW, youngest sister and I agreed to let executor sister have certain things such as our parents' car, our mother's jewelry, pretty much told her to take whatever she wanted from the house rather than insisting on a 3 way value split on those things.   We figured the financial aspect (house, bank accounts) was governed by the will / trust and she would be beholden to that especially since she had an attorney.   Turns out she wasn't even listening to her own attorney, I have it on good authority that she was an impossible client. 




Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2380 on: March 07, 2021, 12:55:37 PM »
Wow, your sister and mine have a lot in common. At least mine wasn't the executor, but she did plenty of damage and was a general pain in the ass.

TomTX

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2381 on: March 07, 2021, 01:34:23 PM »
Wow, your sister and mine have a lot in common. At least mine wasn't the executor, but she did plenty of damage and was a general pain in the ass.

Thank goodness my parents are preparing to sell their house this year and drastically downsize. A good chunk of potential "stuff" drama should be headed off. Not all, of course.

Financial accounts are already set up with beneficiaries, so that won't even go through the estate.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2382 on: March 07, 2021, 02:17:46 PM »
Wow, your sister and mine have a lot in common. At least mine wasn't the executor, but she did plenty of damage and was a general pain in the ass.

Thank goodness my parents are preparing to sell their house this year and drastically downsize. A good chunk of potential "stuff" drama should be headed off. Not all, of course.

Financial accounts are already set up with beneficiaries, so that won't even go through the estate.
While I don't worry about my sister, I'm still temped to get disinherited to remove potential hassle. :-)
My stepmom is likely to live for quite a while, and has a plan for my dad's stuff (ham radio). The plan is an auction.

saguaro

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2383 on: March 07, 2021, 04:31:36 PM »
Wow, your sister and mine have a lot in common. At least mine wasn't the executor, but she did plenty of damage and was a general pain in the ass.

Youngest sister and I suspect that executor sister, having financial POA for my Dad after my mom died, did a number of questionable things once she had control.  She was constantly stressing out about "money being left for Dad" even as we still had Mom to take care of and got angry when I told her we had to worry about Mom first and sort things out for Dad later.  Mom qualified for Medicaid assistance but executor sister mysteriously stopped making the application.   Mom didn't live that long afterward but executor sister pushed both me and youngest sister to cover some funeral costs because she was concerned about "money being left for Dad".  In the 2/12 years between my Mom's death and my Dad's the retirement account dropped significantly and while we knew of significant costs like paying for my parents' cremation niches and some money was being drawn on a monthly basis to cover the difference between Dad's social security and his living costs, it still didn't account for the total drop in those 2 1/2 years.  Because executor sister wasn't legally accountable to us during the time she had financial POA, we couldn't force any accounting from her, only for during the time she was executor and she was resistant to that.  The accounting was stipulated in the will / trust and also required by state law.   She blew through a number of legalities according to our attorney and I believe she gave me the authority to sell our parents' house because her own attorney strong armed her into it. 

While I don't worry about my sister, I'm still temped to get disinherited to remove potential hassle. :-)

I was considering possibly removing myself as beneficiary had the estate situation continued to drag out.   It was down to hire an attorney to force things to move now or let executor sister carry on as she was, causing the estate to lose value to the point it would not be worth it.   The house sold 6 weeks before Covid lockdowns in our state began.   Executor sister was finding all kinds of reasons not to list the house (even though it was mostly cleared out, fixed up and the real estate agent she contacted was bugging her on a weekly basis) and no doubt Covid would have become another reason not to list.
« Last Edit: March 07, 2021, 04:42:00 PM by saguaro »

Lomonossov

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2384 on: March 08, 2021, 03:00:15 AM »
Wondering if your brother "neglected" to mention to his girlfriend that you were paying 1/2 the mortgage cost of the apartment and somehow he framed it as you just irresponsibly left your stuff there. In any case, he sounds pretty incredible to me. Someone gave him half an apartment and you were splitting the cost of the other half without living there and somehow he managed screw it up by being a jerk.

I only met her once (because of pandemic) and we did not get along very well from the beginning, we're very different kind of people.

Both my brother and I had a horrible childhood full of visits to court, absent parents too busy fighting each other to look after us and were neglected and dismissed on a regular basis. My parents, for example, don't know what degree I was doing in college or when I finished it.

The big difference between us is that I spent a lot of money and time in therapy until I got rid of most of the hatred and reconciled with most of my childhood memories. My brother is still so angry for things that happened 10 or 15 years ago that thinks that all the Universe (including me, of course) owns him reparations for all his suffering. I tried to give him a hand for a very long time - monetary and otherwise - but I'm not responsible for him nor will I be dragged to that dark place full of "I did, you did, mom did, dad did" speech.

It took me a very long time to get out of there, I hope he's able to do so as well and we can have a normal relationship in the future. He has to walk that path on his own, if he chooses to. My personal work now is focused on understand that he may choose not to do it, and is a decision I have to respect as well.

saguaro

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2385 on: March 08, 2021, 08:58:56 AM »
The big difference between us is that I spent a lot of money and time in therapy until I got rid of most of the hatred and reconciled with most of my childhood memories. My brother is still so angry for things that happened 10 or 15 years ago that thinks that all the Universe (including me, of course) owns him reparations for all his suffering. I tried to give him a hand for a very long time - monetary and otherwise - but I'm not responsible for him nor will I be dragged to that dark place full of "I did, you did, mom did, dad did" speech.

As someone in therapy right now, glad to hear that it helped you come to terms and move forward.

To the bolded: this is exactly executor sister.   She is not only angry for past wrongs, real and perceived, done to her but she was so enmeshed with our parents, she is angry on their behalf, years after their passing.    And she loves to do the "I did this, you did that, Mom said this, Dad said that".    I don't know how someone can go through life being so angry.   I understand being angry about things for the shorter term, but longer term (as in decades long which is what we are talking about here) or being mad on behalf of other people (who were less angry about the situation than you are and years ago), I don't get it.

SunnyDays

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2386 on: March 08, 2021, 08:24:24 PM »
The big difference between us is that I spent a lot of money and time in therapy until I got rid of most of the hatred and reconciled with most of my childhood memories. My brother is still so angry for things that happened 10 or 15 years ago that thinks that all the Universe (including me, of course) owns him reparations for all his suffering. I tried to give him a hand for a very long time - monetary and otherwise - but I'm not responsible for him nor will I be dragged to that dark place full of "I did, you did, mom did, dad did" speech.

As someone in therapy right now, glad to hear that it helped you come to terms and move forward.

To the bolded: this is exactly executor sister.   She is not only angry for past wrongs, real and perceived, done to her but she was so enmeshed with our parents, she is angry on their behalf, years after their passing.    And she loves to do the "I did this, you did that, Mom said this, Dad said that".    I don't know how someone can go through life being so angry.   I understand being angry about things for the shorter term, but longer term (as in decades long which is what we are talking about here) or being mad on behalf of other people (who were less angry about the situation than you are and years ago), I don't get it.

Living one’s life in victim mode makes it easier to justify bad behaviour.  People give themselves a pass on decency because they’ve been hard done by and believe they deserve more than they got, so they’re taking whatever they can now.  The thing is, no amount of “payment” now will undo past damage.

Lomonossov

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2387 on: March 09, 2021, 03:45:24 AM »
As someone in therapy right now, glad to hear that it helped you come to terms and move forward.

To the bolded: this is exactly executor sister.   She is not only angry for past wrongs, real and perceived, done to her but she was so enmeshed with our parents, she is angry on their behalf, years after their passing.    And she loves to do the "I did this, you did that, Mom said this, Dad said that".    I don't know how someone can go through life being so angry.   I understand being angry about things for the shorter term, but longer term (as in decades long which is what we are talking about here) or being mad on behalf of other people (who were less angry about the situation than you are and years ago), I don't get it.

Living one’s life in victim mode makes it easier to justify bad behaviour.  People give themselves a pass on decency because they’ve been hard done by and believe they deserve more than they got, so they’re taking whatever they can now.  The thing is, no amount of “payment” now will undo past damage.

I don't think is a matter of easy vs. hard. All memories and past experiences define us as individuals. In my personal case I considered myself a victim of my childhood for a very long time, and it did not limit myself very much for all practical purposes: I had good friends, loving relationships and a decent career.

But there was (sometimes, there still is) an interior feeling of bitterness and anger that whispers "I did not deserve that, I should have been loved more, treated better". And, although you can live a normal adult life with that whispering inside you, and in fact most people do, it will limit the amount of happiness you can experience. I found out that sometimes it does trigger jealousy and envy about other people's happiness: since I deserve more than them, how come they can be happy and I cannot?

Is hard to let go such a significant part of our personal history and make the conscious decision of not letting your past define your present, get rid of that source of identity and stop playing that role in your present situations just because you were dragged into that behavior years or decades ago. Inertia is a powerful force of nature, once you're used to behave in a certain way and you know how to play that part it will take a significant amount of will to actively change that.

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2388 on: March 09, 2021, 07:03:22 AM »
As someone in therapy right now, glad to hear that it helped you come to terms and move forward.

To the bolded: this is exactly executor sister.   She is not only angry for past wrongs, real and perceived, done to her but she was so enmeshed with our parents, she is angry on their behalf, years after their passing.    And she loves to do the "I did this, you did that, Mom said this, Dad said that".    I don't know how someone can go through life being so angry.   I understand being angry about things for the shorter term, but longer term (as in decades long which is what we are talking about here) or being mad on behalf of other people (who were less angry about the situation than you are and years ago), I don't get it.

Living one’s life in victim mode makes it easier to justify bad behaviour.  People give themselves a pass on decency because they’ve been hard done by and believe they deserve more than they got, so they’re taking whatever they can now.  The thing is, no amount of “payment” now will undo past damage.

I don't think is a matter of easy vs. hard. All memories and past experiences define us as individuals. In my personal case I considered myself a victim of my childhood for a very long time, and it did not limit myself very much for all practical purposes: I had good friends, loving relationships and a decent career.

But there was (sometimes, there still is) an interior feeling of bitterness and anger that whispers "I did not deserve that, I should have been loved more, treated better". And, although you can live a normal adult life with that whispering inside you, and in fact most people do, it will limit the amount of happiness you can experience. I found out that sometimes it does trigger jealousy and envy about other people's happiness: since I deserve more than them, how come they can be happy and I cannot?

Is hard to let go such a significant part of our personal history and make the conscious decision of not letting your past define your present, get rid of that source of identity and stop playing that role in your present situations just because you were dragged into that behavior years or decades ago. Inertia is a powerful force of nature, once you're used to behave in a certain way and you know how to play that part it will take a significant amount of will to actively change that.
I don't get the impression that anyone's saying it's easy, just that it's very much worth doing. If you feel you're not getting what you "deserve", the path to change comes from within. Therapy is a great tool to help you construct a better narrative for  the rest of your life.

racquetcat

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2389 on: March 10, 2021, 09:58:35 AM »
I have some interesting farm inheritance drama that has now lead to non-drama (hopefully) for the next generation. First the back story (many details are vague because this all happened when my DW was ~14 yrs old and I’ve just heard bits and pieces over the years we’ve been married).

My FIL grew up farming with his father (my DW’s grandfather) and has been farming his whole life (except for the 4 years he spent in college). My FIL’s mother died and his father married again, this 2nd wife is known to me only as the “wicked witch”. Basically from what I gather she was mean and tried to cut out my FIL and his siblings out of any inheritance. A couple of specific examples of her that I’ve gotten are: FIL’s father got cancer, she wouldn’t drive him to the hospital to receive chemotherapy and my FIL/MIL were both working full time to scrape by so my ~14 year old future DW had to drive her grandfather to the hospital and sit with him while he received chemotherapy. After my FIL’s father’s death the 2nd wife did not invite my FIL to the funeral and did not let him have any of his father’s ashes. Fast forward 20 years and my MIL receives an email from the wicked witch’s adult daughter. The daughter basically says, I know my mother was a real piece of work and I feel bad for what she did to your family. She has access to her mother’s safety deposit box and found the ashes of my FIL’s father and wanted to return them to the family. They met in person and have a nice conversation and we were part of a small grave side service to bury my FIL’s father’s ashes 20 years after his death.

All of that back story was to say that my FIL/MIL did not want what happened to them to happen to my DW and her brother. So at Christmas we took a family tour of all the farm land owned, the history of the land, and who it would be going to (which is all recorded in a trust and will). Farms can be tricky because just splitting the acreage 50/50 between siblings might not be fair due to the productivity of certain fields. So my FIL looked at past yields, acres, pasture rent, etc. and tried to split up the land with equal value between my DW and her brother. It was kind of weird, because in a way it's like walking into someone's personal bank vault and looking at the piles of cash and them saying "you get this pile, you get this pile". My FIL/MIL are only in their mid 60’s so I’m very happy that they’ve planned well and have communicated it all to their kids so early.

 On the other side of my DW’s extended family is her MIL’s parents. They are in their 80’s and have amassed a large farming operation. 4 kids (of which my MIL is one). The only son has stayed and worked on the farm his whole life and has taken much of the elderly parent caring duties on as he lives the closest. They have not communicated any of their estate plans to my MIL, but she suspects that the brother who farms with the parents knows the plans. There is one sister who will likely create drama when the time comes. When there is a child who has helped expand and grow the farming business some people think they have earned a larger share of the inheritance, while others feel it should be split equally because coming home to farm wasn’t a choice given to the other children (due to either career choices or gender, these people are very “old fashioned”). It will be interesting to see what happens when the time comes.

Does anyone else have any farm inheritance drama or stories?

iris lily

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2390 on: March 10, 2021, 10:02:11 AM »
Yes. Farm inheritance stupidity here. Will give update later, but bottom line: no movement on inheritance due to 1recalcitrant sibling who has managed to postpone it cor a year, dragging principles into court. Of course, Covid shutdowns did not aid this process.

racquetcat

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2391 on: March 10, 2021, 10:33:08 AM »
Yes. Farm inheritance stupidity here. Will give update later, but bottom line: no movement on inheritance due to 1recalcitrant sibling who has managed to postpone it cor a year, dragging principles into court. Of course, Covid shutdowns did not aid this process.

I could see something similar happening with my MIL's parents. One of the daughters is always creating drama and feeling slighted about something. She has a upper 6 figure salary with a big consulting firm, no kids, but chooses to spend her money very questionably. I'm sure she'll be upset about whatever she gets when the time comes.

I don't really know much about farming, but there are farmers on both sides of my DW's family and my father's parents farmed, so if the time comes ( 30-40 years from now) to inherit farm land I have no idea what my DW and I will do with it, rent, sell, etc. By that time we'll be FIRE'd so it won't be a big deal, but it'll be an interesting decision.

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2392 on: March 10, 2021, 11:30:36 AM »
Does "upper 6 figure" salary mean $700,000+ annually?

racquetcat

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2393 on: March 10, 2021, 11:58:35 AM »
Does "upper 6 figure" salary mean $700,000+ annually?

The numbers I've heard second hand are in the $750,000 range annually, I'm not sure if that includes/excludes bonuses etc. But she calls my MIL and complains about it not being enough and was mad when she wanted to buy a condo and her parents wouldn't co-sign a loan for it, silly stuff for someone making that amount of money.

dandarc

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2394 on: March 10, 2021, 12:02:07 PM »
What in the actual fuck could she possibly be doing with all that money that she needs a co-signer to buy a condo? Also I'd love to see the condo - imagine it is probably an amazing space in a major city somewhere.

racquetcat

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2395 on: March 10, 2021, 12:36:13 PM »
What in the actual fuck could she possibly be doing with all that money that she needs a co-signer to buy a condo? Also I'd love to see the condo - imagine it is probably an amazing space in a major city somewhere.

I think that's the family's thoughts too!

The condo is downtown in a major city so she can walk to the fancy restaurants she frequents. Other potential money drains are a designer dog, a car even though she can walk to work, fancy pants exclusive gym membership, and frequent long exotic vacations. I'm sure there's more, but I usually only know info I get second hand.

Villanelle

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2396 on: March 10, 2021, 02:20:22 PM »
My MIL inherited a share of a farm.  I don't know all the details and I think she was pretty chill about it, just willing to take whatever was handed out, whenever.  But it dragged on for years.  She would get a check for her share of the soy bean crop, but the property wasn't sold for (I believe) a decade, not by the choice of her. 

I think the big issue with farms is that often the sibling(s) who want to keep it can't afford to buy out the others, but most of the siblings don't want to keep it.  So half wants to force a sale and the other half (or portion) wants to keep the farm but can't buy the other shares.  And that creates tension and bad feelings and stress.  If the estate happens to have enough other assets to offset at least most of the farm, it won't be an issue, but it seems that is rarely the case. 


racquetcat

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2397 on: March 10, 2021, 02:49:31 PM »
My MIL inherited a share of a farm.  I don't know all the details and I think she was pretty chill about it, just willing to take whatever was handed out, whenever.  But it dragged on for years.  She would get a check for her share of the soy bean crop, but the property wasn't sold for (I believe) a decade, not by the choice of her. 

I think the big issue with farms is that often the sibling(s) who want to keep it can't afford to buy out the others, but most of the siblings don't want to keep it.  So half wants to force a sale and the other half (or portion) wants to keep the farm but can't buy the other shares.  And that creates tension and bad feelings and stress.  If the estate happens to have enough other assets to offset at least most of the farm, it won't be an issue, but it seems that is rarely the case.

Yeah, through several generations a farm can be broken down to so many people that you can have like 15 people that own a couple of acres and then the situation you described happens.

Owning farm ground can be a decent passive income I believe, through cash rent, hunting leases, pasture leases, etc. Just like any real estate it all depends on location and quality to know what kind of income you can make. It would be interesting to see if any one on this board had invested in farm land.
--->to the real estate investing thread!!!

SwordGuy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2398 on: March 10, 2021, 04:39:36 PM »
Does anyone else have any farm inheritance drama or stories?

Mom was one of 3 siblings, the middle one.   My parents and her brother bought a 2nd farm with her dad.   When her parents died the original farm was organized into a partnership with ownership split evenly 3 ways.  The 2nd farm was organized into a second partnership and split 50-50.

Brother was very business savvy plus he lived closest to the farm so he ran the businesses.   He found farm families in the area to farm the land in a sharecropping arrangement.   Those sharecropping arrangements have been running on a handshake basis for over 50 years with nary a problem.   That's pretty awesome.

My mom was the first of the 3 siblings to pass (my dad having passed away 5 years earlier), so I inherited her 1/3rd of the original farm and her 1/2 of the 2nd farm.    My uncle (her brother) knew what he was doing so I just left things as they were.   My uncle had taught his son (my cousin) the business and my cousin had taught his son so succession planning was in place.   

My uncle passed away about 2 years ago.   We're now in the process of changing the partnerships to a regular corporate form with a corporate manager instead.    We want to do that because as the number of partners increases, the harder it is to get in touch with everyone.  Plus, legally, if a partner agrees to something for the partnership the other partners just agreed to it to, whether they wanted to or not.   That's just a problem that is bound to happen eventually -- possibly within my generation after my uncle's wife and my aunt die.  :(   I want that liability locked down before 2 of my 6 cousins are in the partnership (and so do their brothers and sisters, so it's not just me).

I should be receiving a draft of the agreement to review within a week or so.    :)

Things that should be in it are options for first refusal among family members if someone wants to sell their share of the farm and how much the corporate manager can spend/commit to without owner approval.

So, happily, the only sad drama is that my uncle and my parents passed away.   We're hoping we can keep it that way.

I can honestly say I'm very happy to have disappointed those of you wanted horrible drama based on sordid behavior.  :)

iris lily

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #2399 on: March 10, 2021, 05:59:33 PM »
Does anyone else have any farm inheritance drama or stories?

Mom was one of 3 siblings, the middle one.   My parents and her brother bought a 2nd farm with her dad.   When her parents died the original farm was organized into a partnership with ownership split evenly 3 ways.  The 2nd farm was organized into a second partnership and split 50-50.

Brother was very business savvy plus he lived closest to the farm so he ran the businesses.   He found farm families in the area to farm the land in a sharecropping arrangement.   Those sharecropping arrangements have been running on a handshake basis for over 50 years with nary a problem.   That's pretty awesome.

My mom was the first of the 3 siblings to pass (my dad having passed away 5 years earlier), so I inherited her 1/3rd of the original farm and her 1/2 of the 2nd farm.    My uncle (her brother) knew what he was doing so I just left things as they were.   My uncle had taught his son (my cousin) the business and my cousin had taught his son so succession planning was in place.   

My uncle passed away about 2 years ago.   We're now in the process of changing the partnerships to a regular corporate form with a corporate manager instead.    We want to do that because as the number of partners increases, the harder it is to get in touch with everyone.  Plus, legally, if a partner agrees to something for the partnership the other partners just agreed to it to, whether they wanted to or not.   That's just a problem that is bound to happen eventually -- possibly within my generation after my uncle's wife and my aunt die.  :(   I want that liability locked down before 2 of my 6 cousins are in the partnership (and so do their brothers and sisters, so it's not just me).

I should be receiving a draft of the agreement to review within a week or so.    :)

Things that should be in it are options for first refusal among family members if someone wants to sell their share of the farm and how much the corporate manager can spend/commit to without owner approval.

So, happily, the only sad drama is that my uncle and my parents passed away.   We're hoping we can keep it that way.

I can honestly say I'm very happy to have disappointed those of you wanted horrible drama based on sordid behavior.  :)
Why do you want your money tied up in land you cannot sell?