I think I've been written out of my mother's will. We have a strained relationship, as I'm convinced I'm the only sane person in the family, and not coincidentally, the only non-Trump follower. My mom goes along with whoever influences her, her husband is an asshole, and my brother is an extremist prepper. Her husband loves her very much, but is controlling and a spendthrift with money. My brother is a psychopath (manipulates others and always in transactional relationships, plus worked as a mercenary overseas for a number of years) and financially irresponsible. He wrecked his car about 8 years ago and my mother gave him hers because he didn't have any money to replace it. The last time we talked was almost 10 years ago and he refuses to have any contact with me.
2 months ago, she delivered her will, medical directive, and power of attorney paperwork to me unannounced. It lists her husband as the executor for everything, and then my brother as secondary. There is a section for a trust in the will, with people I have never heard of before, listed as trustee. The medical directive and POA were created 4 years ago. The will was created 1 year ago.
I read it all over and was surprised she would entrust handling of her affairs, potentially while incapacitated or in a nursing home, to my brother. I finally talked to her about it today and am still quite confused. Its always difficult to have a conversation with her because she never tells the full truth. I can ask the same question a number of different ways and get different answers. Sometimes, after time has gone by, she forgets what lie she told me and accidentally the truth comes out. Here's what I got from the conversation---
1) She says if her husband passes away first, she wants my brother and I to share all decisions and responsibilities 50/50. When creating the will (she lives in New Jersey), the lawyer told her only two people (primary and secondary) can be listed as executors, so she chose her husband and then my brother for everything. Since it isn't allowed in the document prepared by the law office, the lawyer told her she can make her own alterations separately, to then be distributed to my brother and I. Her husband and my brother supposedly know her wishes and necessary information, while I know nothing. In the 4 years (medical and POA) and 1 year (will) since making these original documents, she hasn't updated anything yet to my knowledge, and I'm not sure why she would wait this long to deliver documents to me that she doesn't intend to have followed.
2) A section of her will discusses a trust and then there are two people (not lawyers), listed as trustees, neither of whom I have ever heard before. When I asked about who they were, she said they have nothing to do with her estate and are people listed on her husband's trust to care for any possible inheritance to his granddaughter until she turns 21. When I told her there was no way this paper accidentally got mixed in with her will because her signature is on it and it follows the sequence of numbered pages, she insisted she has no idea what I'm talking about. I told her she needs to reread the will and have it corrected if what she is telling me is true, but she seemed to dismiss the idea.
3) An inheritance from my grandfather, that my mother previously said she was keeping out of her husband's hands (because he's a spendthrift) to pass on to my brother and I, is now apparently going to her husband if she dies first, so she says. My mom insists he will be making us the beneficiaries of the account, through a verbal understanding, so I shouldn't be concerned on losing out. I already assumed I wasn't going to inherit anything, but this really confirmed it.
My main fear is that if control goes to my brother, he'll simply push her off to the cheapest nursing care facility (or a closet) and go on with his life, draining her account as soon as possible. When my grandmother and grandfather were in nursing homes for the last years of their life, he only visited when forced by my parents, and hating every minute of it. I don't see my mother changing her will in any meaningful way, given the way she has been handling things so far. She has insisted her husband and my brother verbally assured her they will carry out her wishes, which is not comforting at all to me.
I'm very disheartened that the relationship with my mom has degraded so much over the past 10 or so years. I feel these documents are the final proof of the disdain my mother has for me. I haven't expressed these feelings to her. Emotional conversations have never gone anywhere productive and she becomes extremely defensive. Most of the times I talk with her, we keep the topics superficial because its impossible to agree that the sky is blue or 2+2=4. The insults she has delivered to my wife (she's Mexican) and her family have been astounding to hear, along with all the other nonsense that spews from her mouth. I'm not really interested in fixing the relationship with my mom, so this post is more of a venting than anything else.