Author Topic: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.  (Read 1424311 times)

saguaro

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3250 on: October 30, 2023, 04:34:50 PM »
Seriously: If you care about the people who will deal with your detritus once you die - just go through it, winnow it down - and if you feel comfortable, start distributing items.

Financial side: Put beneficiaries on all of your accounts!

When my parents sold the house and downsized, they distributed a portion of the stuff (coin collection, some furniture) - which was good.  Beneficiaries should all be in place.

Unfortunately, Dad was a pack rat and had been accumulating/hauling around boxes of... stuff... for over 30 years. Literally there were boxes I know were taped up in 1991, some are even older. He promised that in retirement he would sort through the stuff, but he never did. The only organization is the date stuff was packed in a box.

Dad died this spring. I've been primary on helping Mom deal with... everything.

Maybe 5% of stuff in the boxes is really cool/historical/milestone stuff. Maybe 10% is "Eh, okay - I could use it since it's here". Stuff like the blank notebooks. 85% is crap, some of which has PII for other people (name, birth date, SSN, etc) and really should be shredded. Mom is mostly pre-sorting/evaluating, I'm dealing with most of the disposal.

Realistically, I suspect it will be years before we finish going through it all. That's not even considering the boxes and boxes of family slides and photos that he was going to go through and get scanned.

Don't do this to your family. Go through your crap. Here's a method many people have suggested: https://www.thespruce.com/swedish-death-cleaning-4801461

@TomTX  Sorry that you are going through this and I totally agree with getting rid of one's crap rather than leaving it to others (surviving spouse. siblings,  kids etc.) to go through it.

My parents left us (myself and 2 siblings) a house full of stuff.  They kept not only almost all their things, but my grandparent's things that were that were moved into the house after their passing as well.  To be fair they did get rid of the very big items (camper, piano, heavy equipment, extra car that sat in the garage for years) but as age took their toll, they just stopped going through things and other items took up the space that was freed up.

I can't say enough how much of a burden it was to go through it all.  Not to mention family members asking about things that were removed from the grandparents' homes.  It seems my folks were to sort through things (Dad was executor of his parents' estate and moved their things into the attic in order to sell their house, my mother moved her mother's things into same attic when grandma had to move into a nursing home) and advise other family members about what they had, but it never happened.  Now we had family members asking about things that disappeared decades ago and we had no idea where these things were.  Some were found and given to whomever asked for them but other items were never found.

It made me even more determined to step up my own decluttering efforts.  And not retain any more of my parents' things than absolutely necessary.  The "last frontier" of my parents' things that I have to deal with is their film slides.  Which I am getting ready to scan (just bought film scanner) and save as digital files.  As for the slides themselves, they will be tossed afterward, but you would be surprised how many people think I should hold onto them "just to be sure".  For what? 

Interestingly enough, I learned from my cousin that my sister had requested return of photo albums after my uncle died last spring.  These albums belonged to my grandparents and he asked for them. I figured that since these belonged to his parents, with my father (his brother) gone and my aunt (their sister) recently downsized into assisted living, he was the sole sibling who had the space and the willingness to take them.   Once he passed away, my cousins didn't want them and returned to my sister at her request.   Which is fine, I guess, but this is the same sister who complained more than any of us about all the stuff, yet moved more of my parents stuff into her home and then complained about about taking it.  No one talked her into it.  As for me and my other sister, we are just about all done except for the slide scanning which we split up that job.
« Last Edit: October 30, 2023, 04:56:29 PM by saguaro »

iluvzbeach

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3251 on: October 30, 2023, 05:33:01 PM »
Ugh, @saguaro, it sounds like your sister feels there is a family obligation to hang onto that stuff and, since no one else will take it, all that responsibility falls square on her shoulders.  Of course, she then feels resentment that it all falls on her shoulders.  The obligation is imagined.  I think there is a lot more of this out there than we even realize.

Tass

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3252 on: October 30, 2023, 06:01:06 PM »
As for the slides themselves, they will be tossed afterward, but you would be surprised how many people think I should hold onto them "just to be sure".  For what? 

Tell those people they are welcome to hold onto them themselves.

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3253 on: October 30, 2023, 06:14:06 PM »
Related: My mom told us to initial the things we wanted after they were gone. My sister shimmied under the relatively new, paid-for car, and put her initials on it. She made no secret of it, but it was understood to be a joke.

Once my parents died, my brother and I were co-executors. Parent's instructions were to divide the remaining assets evenly among the six of us. Black Sheep Sister (BSS) insisted that she was to get the car before the assets were distributed. She took the car immediately after my parents died, then had the nerve to call the police because other sister had "hidden" other jewelry. Other sister had indeed hidden the jewelry, but only to keep BSS from taking it. ARGH!

BSS hounded the shit out of my brother until he agreed to give her the car off the top. I have spoken to her only when necessary ever since. Mostly because I know she is a mooch and I'm done getting screwed over by her. The car business was the third time in our adult history...and I've learned my hard lessons.

Her last text to me was, "Do you still hate me?" A wee bit manipulative, dontcha think?

« Last Edit: October 30, 2023, 09:17:37 PM by Dicey »

iris lily

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3254 on: October 30, 2023, 07:39:32 PM »
So, the splitting of things:

My mom has two sisters. Their grandparents were all farmers. Parents were teachers (thanks, GI Bill). No one rich. But there was moderate drama over the stuff. The coin collection. The china, in particular. How do you divide two sets of china between 3 ladies? So much gnashing of teeth over these dishes. Multiple phone calls. Round and round. Who gets what? What is fair?

In the end, my Mom DNGAF and took a set of 6 from the one grandma who happened to have 18 plates, cups, saucers (cause, you know farmer-sized families back in the day.) That meant both of her sisters had "full" sets of 12, which they were adamant about. Uh huh. One sister had 2 kids and the other had one. Why you need 12 plates, cups, and saucers for that I have no idea.

My mom carefully stored the coveted china away and we never used it.  Finally she gave it to my daughter, and I promptly accidentally broke one of the tea cups (whoops.) But there's this store called "Replacements." Guess what . . . ta da! Replacements had the pattern.

Did I have to look at a gazillion patterns that were almost-but-not-quite right to find it? Yes. Did I find it exactly? Yes. Do I now have another tea cup AND a matching gravy boat, sugar bowl, creamer, and serving platters? Totally dumb, but you know, it wasn't very much money at all. Turns out farmers in Idaho and Missouri did not exactly have Ming dynasty stuff. Lol, probably her sister, who was so adamant about having the set of 12, gave it to her now adult daughter who promptly sold it to Replacements only for me to buy it years later after it sat quietly in their inventory.

But, yeah, easier to split than a watch. Just let your sibling have the watch. Seriously.

Funny! And your family are rare birds indeed, to care about sets of China. No one cares about that anymore. I do not understand how Replacements  stays in business, but it might well be for the situation you describe, people are trying to complete dead grandma’s  sets of China to turn over to younger generations who Don’t give a damn about it.
« Last Edit: October 30, 2023, 07:44:17 PM by iris lily »

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3255 on: October 30, 2023, 09:17:59 PM »
So, the splitting of things:

My mom has two sisters. Their grandparents were all farmers. Parents were teachers (thanks, GI Bill). No one rich. But there was moderate drama over the stuff. The coin collection. The china, in particular. How do you divide two sets of china between 3 ladies? So much gnashing of teeth over these dishes. Multiple phone calls. Round and round. Who gets what? What is fair?

In the end, my Mom DNGAF and took a set of 6 from the one grandma who happened to have 18 plates, cups, saucers (cause, you know farmer-sized families back in the day.) That meant both of her sisters had "full" sets of 12, which they were adamant about. Uh huh. One sister had 2 kids and the other had one. Why you need 12 plates, cups, and saucers for that I have no idea.

My mom carefully stored the coveted china away and we never used it.  Finally she gave it to my daughter, and I promptly accidentally broke one of the tea cups (whoops.) But there's this store called "Replacements." Guess what . . . ta da! Replacements had the pattern.

Did I have to look at a gazillion patterns that were almost-but-not-quite right to find it? Yes. Did I find it exactly? Yes. Do I now have another tea cup AND a matching gravy boat, sugar bowl, creamer, and serving platters? Totally dumb, but you know, it wasn't very much money at all. Turns out farmers in Idaho and Missouri did not exactly have Ming dynasty stuff. Lol, probably her sister, who was so adamant about having the set of 12, gave it to her now adult daughter who promptly sold it to Replacements only for me to buy it years later after it sat quietly in their inventory.

But, yeah, easier to split than a watch. Just let your sibling have the watch. Seriously.

Funny! And your family are rare birds indeed, to care about sets of China. No one cares about that anymore. I do not understand how Replacements  stays in business, but it might well be for the situation you describe, people are trying to complete dead grandma’s  sets of China to turn over to younger generations who Don’t give a damn about it.
Touche.

Freedomin5

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3256 on: October 30, 2023, 10:35:48 PM »
Related: My mom told us to initial the things we wanted after they were gone. My sister shimmied under the relatively new, paid-for car, and put her initials on it. She made no secret of it, but it was understood to be a joke.

Once my parents died, my brother and I were co-executors. Parent's instructions were to divide the remaining assets evenly among the six of us. Black Sheep Sister (BSS) insisted that she was to get the car before the assets were distributed. She took the car immediately after my parents died, then had the nerve to call the police because other sister had "hidden" other jewelry. Other sister had indeed hidden the jewelry, but only to keep BSS from taking it. ARGH!

BSS hounded the shit out of my brother until he agreed to give her the car off the top. I have spoken to her only when necessary ever since. Mostly because I know she is a mooch and I'm done getting screwed over by her. The car business was the third time in our adult history...and I've learned my hard lessons.

Her last text to me was, "Do you still hate me?" A wee bit manipulative, dontcha think?

Sometimes, I wonder what would happen if you just called her bluff and said, "Yes. You're being annoying."

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3257 on: October 31, 2023, 08:23:02 AM »
Related: My mom told us to initial the things we wanted after they were gone. My sister shimmied under the relatively new, paid-for car, and put her initials on it. She made no secret of it, but it was understood to be a joke.

Once my parents died, my brother and I were co-executors. Parent's instructions were to divide the remaining assets evenly among the six of us. Black Sheep Sister (BSS) insisted that she was to get the car before the assets were distributed. She took the car immediately after my parents died, then had the nerve to call the police because other sister had "hidden" other jewelry. Other sister had indeed hidden the jewelry, but only to keep BSS from taking it. ARGH!

BSS hounded the shit out of my brother until he agreed to give her the car off the top. I have spoken to her only when necessary ever since. Mostly because I know she is a mooch and I'm done getting screwed over by her. The car business was the third time in our adult history...and I've learned my hard lessons.

Her last text to me was, "Do you still hate me?" A wee bit manipulative, dontcha think?

Sometimes, I wonder what would happen if you just called her bluff and said, "Yes. You're being annoying."
She doesn't attempt contact often, but keeps tabs on me through the family. The text came after a long silence. The question is very manipulative. It's like asking, "When did you stop beating your wife?" There is no good answer. BSS merely said something shocking to elicit a response, therefore the only answer is no answer. All she wants from me is money, and that's not happening. BSS has always done exactly what she wants to do, at any cost. While my siblings have reestablished contact with her, only to have been taken advantage of by her yet again, I'm not going down that path.

My parent's estate was modest. They lived well because my Dad had a great pension. The value of the car was significant, giving her at least 50% more than the rest of her siblings. That's not counting the ongoing cash infusions from my parents while they were alive, nor the $11k she stole from them to feed her casino habit. And of course, that's only the tip of the iceberg...but hey, this is the inheritance drama thread, right?

I used my share to start a Donor Advised Fund, because my parents were active volunteers. They were generous with their time and money in the community. I can trace my active volunteerism* and philanthropy efforts to what I learned by their example. I have given away almost as much as I received, and there is still almost twice that amount in the account, through the magic of compound interest. Meanwhile, BSS has squandered everything she stole (and Im not referring to the car) and inherited.

BSS is very smart and we had very similar opportunities in life. She always chose to play by her own rules, forever taking the path of least resistance. The state of her life is a direct result of her ongoing string(s) of choices. There are so many more stories I could tell, but I'd rather not keep them fresh in my mind. That, and my alarm just went off.

*I'm volunteering at the library all week, getting ready for one of our quarterly book sales. Gotta run, but thanks for asking.

TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3258 on: October 31, 2023, 08:32:35 AM »
Related: My mom told us to initial the things we wanted after they were gone. My sister shimmied under the relatively new, paid-for car, and put her initials on it. She made no secret of it, but it was understood to be a joke.

Once my parents died, my brother and I were co-executors. Parent's instructions were to divide the remaining assets evenly among the six of us. Black Sheep Sister (BSS) insisted that she was to get the car before the assets were distributed. She took the car immediately after my parents died, then had the nerve to call the police because other sister had "hidden" other jewelry. Other sister had indeed hidden the jewelry, but only to keep BSS from taking it. ARGH!

BSS hounded the shit out of my brother until he agreed to give her the car off the top. I have spoken to her only when necessary ever since. Mostly because I know she is a mooch and I'm done getting screwed over by her. The car business was the third time in our adult history...and I've learned my hard lessons.

Her last text to me was, "Do you still hate me?" A wee bit manipulative, dontcha think?

A direct response would be: "Depends. What are you trying to gouge out of me this time?"

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3259 on: October 31, 2023, 08:45:06 AM »
Nope. The response is what she wants. Not giving it to her.

Sandi_k

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3260 on: October 31, 2023, 09:51:22 AM »
Nope. The response is what she wants. Not giving it to her.

Exactly. My dad was a narcissist, and it drove him absolutely BONKERS that I wouldn't re-engage once I Dear John'd him....

To the point where my started sending postcards instead of letters (can't avoid reading them!). He also once sent a note to DH - urging him to get me back into communication and the dysfunctional dynamic - which just confirmed all the reasons I went No Contact.

jeninco

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3261 on: October 31, 2023, 11:56:10 AM »
Nope. The response is what she wants. Not giving it to her.

"Excuse me, who is this? Please remove me from your distribution list."

Kris

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3262 on: October 31, 2023, 12:58:41 PM »
Nope. The response is what she wants. Not giving it to her.

I'm so glad you recognize this for what it is.

Adventine

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3263 on: October 31, 2023, 01:48:34 PM »
I dunno, Dicey, I would have blocked BSS's number a long time ago. Life's too short to deal with that nonsense.

Omy

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3264 on: October 31, 2023, 02:07:07 PM »
Life is a lot simpler when you figure out that the toxic people in your life are usually just looking for a reaction. Nothing disturbs them more than not getting a response.

Freedomin5

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3265 on: October 31, 2023, 03:51:22 PM »
Nope. The response is what she wants. Not giving it to her.

Makes sense. If there’s no good answer, then the best answer is no answer.

Fi(re) on the Farm

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3266 on: October 31, 2023, 04:10:16 PM »
AMEN! My mom redecorated her own house to sell. She had OLT (Old Lady Taste). The buyers ripped it all out. Related: I want to do minor updates NOW, so we can enjoy them and the house will be "recently updated" when we sell. DH is digging his heels in. Ugh.

Do it now!  I regret so much the times we thought about upgrades, put them off, then did them for selling a house. 

I did finally learn my lesson, did upgrades in my last house for me that later helped sell it.  But they were not fancy upgrades, they were basics, like a light over the kitchen sink*.  If a new owner wanted a different light, at least the wiring was there.  I had already done the work of getting the electrician in.

*Snark comment - why do builders think that having a window in front of the kitchen sink plus one overhead light is enough?  It gets dark early here in winter and that part of the kitchen gets super dark.

Thankfully dh can put in lights but we had the same predicament when we moved in up here in the frozen north!

saguaro

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3267 on: November 10, 2023, 03:27:30 PM »
Ugh, @saguaro, it sounds like your sister feels there is a family obligation to hang onto that stuff and, since no one else will take it, all that responsibility falls square on her shoulders.  Of course, she then feels resentment that it all falls on her shoulders.  The obligation is imagined.  I think there is a lot more of this out there than we even realize.

The obligation is indeed imagined.   When we were going through my parents' house, she kept expressing guilt about donating/giving away/tossing things and anger when family members declined taking things like my grandparents' stuff.   I kept telling her over and over, that these are just our parents' things and and not them, that getting rid of their stuff doesn't mean we didn't care about them, but she felt somehow like we shouldn't because she felt it was "erasing" them somehow.   And I think that a lot of folks feel that way, my cousin lamented getting rid of her mother's things when my aunt moved into a nursing facility.   My aunt agreed to downsize and give things to the family including pieces of furniture but what was not taken was boxed up and sent to cousin's sister because cousin couldn't deal with tossing stuff.  Sister did not expect to get these items but now is having to sort through because it was just dumped on her doorstep. 

Nope. The response is what she wants. Not giving it to her.

Exactly. My dad was a narcissist, and it drove him absolutely BONKERS that I wouldn't re-engage once I Dear John'd him....

To the point where my started sending postcards instead of letters (can't avoid reading them!). He also once sent a note to DH - urging him to get me back into communication and the dysfunctional dynamic - which just confirmed all the reasons I went No Contact.

Yep, no contact is the way to go every time.   Had some family drama over the last year and a half pursuant to a couple of family members still angry (it has been years now) over the inheritance drama that went on between me and my sisters which was detailed in this thread.   Which was none of their business, but some people just can't help themselves.  Anyhoo, once things died down from the initial surge of outrage (sort of due to Covid and people having other concerns) one of the family busybodies attempted to stir things up again by contacting one of my sisters with a hand-slappy note (included in a Happy Anniversary card wtf) over her refusal to make nice.  Sister did not respond.   Same busybody relative then went off on me and my response was....zero.  There's been other things and every time, I just do and say...nothing.

My sister, the recipient of the nasty note/anniversary card recently told me she regrets not responding because of the later drama and she's understandably pissed off over being excluded to a family wedding because of all this nonsense, but I told her it was best she refrain because I think things have ramped up as an attempt to get a response.  IMHO it smacks of desperately trolling for a response, which can be mined for more continued drama and tales of woe and victimhood if you happen to take the bait.   
« Last Edit: November 10, 2023, 05:34:27 PM by saguaro »

Capsu78

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3268 on: November 11, 2023, 09:40:19 AM »
As for the slides themselves, they will be tossed afterward, but you would be surprised how many people think I should hold onto them "just to be sure".  For what? 

Tell those people they are welcome to hold onto them themselves.

When I decluttered for a house move several years ago, I had bins and bins of photo's, negs and slides, with no real filing system.  Even though the Kodachrome, negs and slides have a quality above my scanned shots, took the plunge and shreded all of my original photos with few exceptions- already built photo albums, wedding pictures etc. Now the ability quickly locate past images outweighs the source photo's. 

eyesonthehorizon

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3269 on: November 11, 2023, 08:57:32 PM »
...there are amazing cast-iron pots and pans all over the place. I'll be thrilled to take, like, three. Perhaps 4: the tiny little ones would be great for heating up spices for indian dishes. ...
Slightly off topic but if I understand your intended use properly, the downside with the very tiny pans for that ends up being that they take a good while to heat & cool for the few seconds the spices will be in the oil (this may be a feature rather than a bug somewhere colder than I am, provided you have the patience.) I got in the habit of using a small stainless steel saucepot for this - heats to a sear in less than a minute, very easy to scrape every last drop of spice-oil-paste back out again.

The little pans are, on the other hand, absolutely amazing for tiny pizzas, or tiny pies, or tiny lava cakes....

Sandi_k

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3270 on: November 11, 2023, 10:02:50 PM »

The little pans are, on the other hand, absolutely amazing for tiny pizzas, or tiny pies, or tiny lava cakes....

Having just returned from a trip to Arizona, I suggest cast iron mini skillets and....QUESO FUNDIDO!

https://www.mexicoinmykitchen.com/queso-fundido-with-chorizo-recipe/

jeninco

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3271 on: November 14, 2023, 08:42:08 PM »
...there are amazing cast-iron pots and pans all over the place. I'll be thrilled to take, like, three. Perhaps 4: the tiny little ones would be great for heating up spices for indian dishes. ...
Slightly off topic but if I understand your intended use properly, the downside with the very tiny pans for that ends up being that they take a good while to heat & cool for the few seconds the spices will be in the oil (this may be a feature rather than a bug somewhere colder than I am, provided you have the patience.) I got in the habit of using a small stainless steel saucepot for this - heats to a sear in less than a minute, very easy to scrape every last drop of spice-oil-paste back out again.

The little pans are, on the other hand, absolutely amazing for tiny pizzas, or tiny pies, or tiny lava cakes....

Interesting point, and noted. I still haven't really created enough space to put all the cast iron in one place... (I have emptied just about all the food out of the kitchen so bugs and rodents are no longer a concern, and cleaned the bathroom -- which took about 6 hours in a Tyvec suit. Just clean your bathrooms regularly, kids!)

uniwelder

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3272 on: November 20, 2023, 08:33:28 PM »
I think I've been written out of my mother's will.  We have a strained relationship, as I'm convinced I'm the only sane person in the family, and not coincidentally, the only non-Trump follower.  My mom goes along with whoever influences her, her husband is an asshole, and my brother is an extremist prepper.  Her husband loves her very much, but is controlling and a spendthrift with money.  My brother is a psychopath (manipulates others and always in transactional relationships, plus worked as a mercenary overseas for a number of years) and financially irresponsible.  He wrecked his car about 8 years ago and my mother gave him hers because he didn't have any money to replace it.  The last time we talked was almost 10 years ago and he refuses to have any contact with me.

2 months ago, she delivered her will, medical directive, and power of attorney paperwork to me unannounced.  It lists her husband as the executor for everything, and then my brother as secondary.  There is a section for a trust in the will, with people I have never heard of before, listed as trustee.  The medical directive and POA were created 4 years ago.  The will was created 1 year ago.

I read it all over and was surprised she would entrust handling of her affairs, potentially while incapacitated or in a nursing home, to my brother.  I finally talked to her about it today and am still quite confused.  Its always difficult to have a conversation with her because she never tells the full truth.  I can ask the same question a number of different ways and get different answers.  Sometimes, after time has gone by, she forgets what lie she told me and accidentally the truth comes out.  Here's what I got from the conversation---

1) She says if her husband passes away first, she wants my brother and I to share all decisions and responsibilities 50/50.  When creating the will (she lives in New Jersey), the lawyer told her only two people (primary and secondary) can be listed as executors, so she chose her husband and then my brother for everything.  Since it isn't allowed in the document prepared by the law office, the lawyer told her she can make her own alterations separately, to then be distributed to my brother and I.  Her husband and my brother supposedly know her wishes and necessary information, while I know nothing.  In the 4 years (medical and POA) and 1 year (will) since making these original documents, she hasn't updated anything yet to my knowledge, and I'm not sure why she would wait this long to deliver documents to me that she doesn't intend to have followed.

2) A section of her will discusses a trust and then there are two people (not lawyers), listed as trustees, neither of whom I have ever heard before.  When I asked about who they were, she said they have nothing to do with her estate and are people listed on her husband's trust to care for any possible inheritance to his granddaughter until she turns 21.  When I told her there was no way this paper accidentally got mixed in with her will because her signature is on it and it follows the sequence of numbered pages, she insisted she has no idea what I'm talking about.  I told her she needs to reread the will and have it corrected if what she is telling me is true, but she seemed to dismiss the idea.

3) An inheritance from my grandfather, that my mother previously said she was keeping out of her husband's hands (because he's a spendthrift) to pass on to my brother and I, is now apparently going to her husband if she dies first, so she says.  My mom insists he will be making us the beneficiaries of the account, through a verbal understanding, so I shouldn't be concerned on losing out.  I already assumed I wasn't going to inherit anything, but this really confirmed it. 

My main fear is that if control goes to my brother, he'll simply push her off to the cheapest nursing care facility (or a closet) and go on with his life, draining her account as soon as possible.  When my grandmother and grandfather were in nursing homes for the last years of their life, he only visited when forced by my parents, and hating every minute of it.  I don't see my mother changing her will in any meaningful way, given the way she has been handling things so far.  She has insisted her husband and my brother verbally assured her they will carry out her wishes, which is not comforting at all to me.

I'm very disheartened that the relationship with my mom has degraded so much over the past 10 or so years. I feel these documents are the final proof of the disdain my mother has for me.  I haven't expressed these feelings to her.  Emotional conversations have never gone anywhere productive and she becomes extremely defensive.  Most of the times I talk with her, we keep the topics superficial because its impossible to agree that the sky is blue or 2+2=4.  The insults she has delivered to my wife (she's Mexican) and her family have been astounding to hear, along with all the other nonsense that spews from her mouth.  I'm not really interested in fixing the relationship with my mom, so this post is more of a venting than anything else. 

Taran Wanderer

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« Reply #3273 on: November 20, 2023, 10:05:01 PM »
That’s a bummer.  I’m sorry to hear your story.  Hang in there.

Adventine

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3274 on: November 21, 2023, 06:49:34 AM »
Uniwelder, sorry that it's so complicated with your mom (and brother). That's tough.

Captain FIRE

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3275 on: November 21, 2023, 06:53:21 AM »
I'm not really interested in fixing the relationship with my mom, so this post is more of a venting than anything else.

I’m glad to hear that, because as it seems you’re well aware, your chances of changing anything are slim. Vent away, it sounds frustrating that she believes things will happen differently than documented, and for the strained relationship!

iluvzbeach

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3276 on: November 21, 2023, 08:53:46 AM »
@uniwelder - while it would undoubtedly be difficult to see your mother in a subpar care facility, it doesn’t sound like she’s done anything to set things up in a way to ensure that doesn’t happen. There is not much you can do about that. That doesn’t make it any easier.

I had a very difficult relationship with my father & my spouse has a difficult relationship with his mother, along with “no contact” with his brother. These things are not easy and I’m sorry you have difficult family relationships on your plate.

Sibley

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3277 on: November 21, 2023, 08:56:40 AM »
Your mother is entitled to make her own decisions. Even if they're really bad or nonsensical ones. All you can do is make your peace that it's going to be a shitshow, and decide what level of involvement you're comfortable having in that shitshow.

It sucks. I'm sorry.

iris lily

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3278 on: November 21, 2023, 10:31:06 AM »
I can add a complaint about inheritance! Just a whine, no solution sought.

Our $340,000 investment ( family farm) is returning $6,000 annually. How about that! Isn’t that 1.76%  return great!!!

Not.

When I pointed this out to DH in my ever helpful way,  mentioning for the hundredth time what a DUMB idea it is to hang onto this farm, he cheerfully acknowledged it. No problem in his mind.

Sigh.

RetiredAt63

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3279 on: November 21, 2023, 11:04:07 AM »
I can add a complaint about inheritance! Just a whine, no solution sought.

Our $340,000 investment ( family farm) is returning $6,000 annually. How about that! Isn’t that 1.76%  return great!!!

Not.

When I pointed this out to DH in my ever helpful way,  mentioning for the hundredth time what a DUMB idea it is to hang onto this farm, he cheerfully acknowledged it. No problem in his mind.

Sigh.

Well, 1.76% is better than the old farmer joke. 

How does a farmer get $1,000,000?  He starts out with $2,000,000.     ;-)

iris lily

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3280 on: November 21, 2023, 11:50:25 AM »
Your mother is entitled to make her own decisions. Even if they're really bad or nonsensical ones. All you can do is make your peace that it's going to be a shitshow, and decide what level of involvement you're comfortable having in that shitshow.

It sucks. I'm sorry.

This is, unfortunately, the way it is.

uniwelder, I also offer the idea that your brother may not be skating along with tons of your mom’s money (unless she a tually HAS tons). In my Midwestern experience with nursing homes, the not-great ones are not necessarily distinguished from the better ones by cost. And any Medicare bed your mother lands in  would mean all of her assets are gone and there is a legally mandated “look back” period of several years to see where those assets went. Bro could owe the gubmnt lotsa money.
« Last Edit: November 21, 2023, 12:00:28 PM by iris lily »

Villanelle

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3281 on: November 21, 2023, 12:30:17 PM »
Uniwelder, I'm just piling on to add sympathy.  Some of this stuff is so hard to watch when it deals with those in our orbit, even if we have complicated relationships with them.  But you've done what you could.  If the trustees are a mistake (and based on her tepid reactions, it sounds like they weren't and she doesn't doesn't want to tell you that), you alerted her.  She's a grown woman and is free it ignore that warning.  She's free to choose her own future caretakers, financial and health.  And then, like the rest of us, she lives with the consequences of those decisions.

I'm under no illusion that that isn't much easier said than done, but please remember that and hold on to it.  You respect her right today to make whatever decisions she wants, and then you respect that she lives with those outcomes. 

Still shit-hard to watch it play out, though. 

zolotiyeruki

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3282 on: November 21, 2023, 02:41:12 PM »
Man, that's a rough situation.  It helps me to remember this proverb: "You can't care about somebody's problems more than they do."

Frugal Lizard

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3283 on: November 21, 2023, 03:35:42 PM »
Uniwelder - OOF that is one heck of situation to watch unfold. So sorry your family is as they are.

uniwelder

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3284 on: November 21, 2023, 04:44:32 PM »
Your mother is entitled to make her own decisions. Even if they're really bad or nonsensical ones. All you can do is make your peace that it's going to be a shitshow, and decide what level of involvement you're comfortable having in that shitshow.

Yes, that's something I've been contemplating quite a bit.  Part of me just wants to lose contact and stay away.

uniwelder, I also offer the idea that your brother may not be skating along with tons of your mom’s money (unless she a tually HAS tons). In my Midwestern experience with nursing homes, the not-great ones are not necessarily distinguished from the better ones by cost. And any Medicare bed your mother lands in  would mean all of her assets are gone and there is a legally mandated “look back” period of several years to see where those assets went. Bro could owe the gubmnt lotsa money.

Good point that I haven't thought about.  However, I wouldn't be surprised if he opts to take care of her at home and she happens to pass away within a month.

jeninco

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3285 on: November 21, 2023, 04:53:57 PM »
Your mother is entitled to make her own decisions. Even if they're really bad or nonsensical ones. All you can do is make your peace that it's going to be a shitshow, and decide what level of involvement you're comfortable having in that shitshow.

Yes, that's something I've been contemplating quite a bit.  Part of me just wants to lose contact and stay away.

uniwelder, I also offer the idea that your brother may not be skating along with tons of your mom’s money (unless she a tually HAS tons). In my Midwestern experience with nursing homes, the not-great ones are not necessarily distinguished from the better ones by cost. And any Medicare bed your mother lands in  would mean all of her assets are gone and there is a legally mandated “look back” period of several years to see where those assets went. Bro could owe the gubmnt lotsa money.

Good point that I haven't thought about.  However, I wouldn't be surprised if he opts to take care of her at home and she happens to pass away within a month.

Ouch. But, again, you can't care more than she does.
I mean, assuming you don't think she's being outright abuses (which you might, maybe, be able to report as "abuse of a vulnerable senior" or some such) there's really nothing you can do. As has been said, she's an adult and can make her own decisions.

I'm so sorry. Watching the sort of thing can be brutal.

Zamboni

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3286 on: November 22, 2023, 02:11:21 PM »
uniwelder, it sounds like she's pretty detached from reality, especially since she says she wants you and your brother to make decisions "50/50," but you are not in communication with your brother. Even if that was in the documents, which it isn't, it isn't a viable plan. Like somehow she is going to force that relationship back together by being incapacitated and expecting the two of you to problem solve jointly on her behalf? Makes no sense, as you said.

It's difficult to have family members who are detached from reality and influenced heavily by people who we can clearly see don't have their best interests in mind. But, as others have said and you seem to already realize, there's pretty much nothing we can do about it.

Villanelle

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3287 on: November 22, 2023, 03:50:42 PM »
uniwelder, it sounds like she's pretty detached from reality, especially since she says she wants you and your brother to make decisions "50/50," but you are not in communication with your brother. Even if that was in the documents, which it isn't, it isn't a viable plan. Like somehow she is going to force that relationship back together by being incapacitated and expecting the two of you to problem solve jointly on her behalf? Makes no sense, as you said.

It's difficult to have family members who are detached from reality and influenced heavily by people who we can clearly see don't have their best interests in mind. But, as others have said and you seem to already realize, there's pretty much nothing we can do about it.

My take away was slightly different.  I sort of assumed she doesn't actually want Uni and Bro to make decisions 50/50, just like she doesn't actually  think the trust document was simply a misplaced page from her husband's paperwork.  She just doesn't have the courage to actually state her wishes and is just avoiding the conflict, pushing it onto her children to sort out when she's gone.  It's hard to straight up tell your child, "I am giving control to your brother, not you."  That's even more true when the bro has a history of irresponsibility and deep down the mom has some sense it may not be a fantastic idea.  So instead of having the hard conversations, she avoids them by playing ignorant.

Maybe that's a misread of the situation, but it was how I read it. 

uniwelder

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3288 on: November 23, 2023, 11:13:03 AM »
uniwelder, it sounds like she's pretty detached from reality, especially since she says she wants you and your brother to make decisions "50/50," but you are not in communication with your brother. Even if that was in the documents, which it isn't, it isn't a viable plan. Like somehow she is going to force that relationship back together by being incapacitated and expecting the two of you to problem solve jointly on her behalf? Makes no sense, as you said.

It's difficult to have family members who are detached from reality and influenced heavily by people who we can clearly see don't have their best interests in mind. But, as others have said and you seem to already realize, there's pretty much nothing we can do about it.

My take away was slightly different.  I sort of assumed she doesn't actually want Uni and Bro to make decisions 50/50, just like she doesn't actually  think the trust document was simply a misplaced page from her husband's paperwork.  She just doesn't have the courage to actually state her wishes and is just avoiding the conflict, pushing it onto her children to sort out when she's gone.  It's hard to straight up tell your child, "I am giving control to your brother, not you."  That's even more true when the bro has a history of irresponsibility and deep down the mom has some sense it may not be a fantastic idea.  So instead of having the hard conversations, she avoids them by playing ignorant.

Maybe that's a misread of the situation, but it was how I read it.

Thank you for the insightful responses.  Both of these ring true.  I think she has both of these ideas in mind, even though they aren't compatible together.  As said, she is detached from reality.  Plenty of other unrelated conversations with her go the same way. 

Frugal Lizard

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3289 on: November 23, 2023, 11:35:41 AM »
There can be many reason why a parent makes the choices they do. My mom picked the least capable of three offspring to handle every part of her advanced care and estate. There are moments when I can tell she regrets her choice. She has twice told me she picked my youngest brother so he can learn about financial matters. Gee Mom, great idea.

Fortunately my youngest brother made our mother add me on as back up. Which was a good idea because he is a pilot and typically does transatlantic flight routes and can be unreachable for 4 day stretches.

iluvzbeach

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3290 on: November 23, 2023, 12:42:34 PM »
There can be many reason why a parent makes the choices they do. My mom picked the least capable of three offspring to handle every part of her advanced care and estate. There are moments when I can tell she regrets her choice. She has twice told me she picked my youngest brother so he can learn about financial matters. Gee Mom, great idea.

Fortunately my youngest brother made our mother add me on as back up. Which was a good idea because he is a pilot and typically does transatlantic flight routes and can be unreachable for 4 day stretches.

If she regrets her choice, is still alive & competent, it’s not too late for her to change it…

Frugal Lizard

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3291 on: November 23, 2023, 01:10:11 PM »
There can be many reason why a parent makes the choices they do. My mom picked the least capable of three offspring to handle every part of her advanced care and estate. There are moments when I can tell she regrets her choice. She has twice told me she picked my youngest brother so he can learn about financial matters. Gee Mom, great idea.

Fortunately my youngest brother made our mother add me on as back up. Which was a good idea because he is a pilot and typically does transatlantic flight routes and can be unreachable for 4 day stretches.

If she regrets her choice, is still alive & competent, it’s not too late for her to change it…
alas she is no longer competent.  In hindsight she probably was barely competent when she made the choice. And even now, there are only moments she has regret.  Just as many moments that she expresses her satisfaction with her wisdom. 

Moral of my mother's story: plan early, plan often and plan for the worst.

Capsu78

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3292 on: December 07, 2023, 09:24:26 AM »
Not specifically an Inheritance Drama story, but rather a story of the many of the dynamics that go into many of the posts I have read here over the years.
 https://www.phillymag.com/be-well-philly/2023/12/05/family-estrangement/

AdrianC

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3293 on: December 08, 2023, 07:42:40 AM »
Yeah. I really don't want my sibling and I to fall out over dad's estate. It's been a year now and it's still being "worked on", so we haven't even gotten to the major drama stage - distributing the assets and making the informal (not in the will) bequests. I am willing to be very amenable, but dad asked me to make those bequests, we need to do them. One was money to a person sibling does not care for.

Probate granted 3 months ago (this is in the UK - probate is required), and nothing since. The solicitor handling it is "gathering the assets", bank, brokerage, mutual funds, bonds, nothing special at all, no property to be sold. The executor (sibling) is reluctant to push the solicitor for information. All I know for the most part is publicly available information. I don't know what went into the probate value.

It's a touchy subject between us. I get short answers if I ask about the solicitor or progress. Must take a softly-softly approach, which isn't my style at all. I'd on the phone to that solicitor asking WTH is going on.

Sibley

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3294 on: December 08, 2023, 07:51:19 AM »
AdrianC, what are the consequences if you don't meet the 3 month deadline (I'm not sure if you're 9 months past that deadline or still within it). Because if you're going to face real consequences, then it's reasonable to push. Even if your sibling doesn't want to.

Dicey

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3295 on: December 08, 2023, 09:05:23 AM »
AdrianC, what are the consequences if you don't meet the 3 month deadline (I'm not sure if you're 9 months past that deadline or still within it). Because if you're going to face real consequences, then it's reasonable to push. Even if your sibling doesn't want to.
This. Plus, I kind of wonder if the solicitor earns more the longer it drags out.

AdrianC

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« Reply #3296 on: December 08, 2023, 03:09:37 PM »
AdrianC, what are the consequences if you don't meet the 3 month deadline (I'm not sure if you're 9 months past that deadline or still within it). Because if you're going to face real consequences, then it's reasonable to push. Even if your sibling doesn't want to.
Sorry, maybe I wasn't very clear. Probate was applied for and then was granted 3 months ago. The grant of probate allows the executor to collect and distribute the assets according to the will, but there is no deadline on when this has to be done. There is the "executor's year" - the executor has a year after the death to distribute the assets - but if I understand correctly, it's more of a guide than a rule. Dragging it out does mean more billable hours for the solicitor, I'm sure.

Zamboni

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« Reply #3297 on: December 09, 2023, 06:34:12 AM »
Wow, the article linked above says 25% of people are estranged from one or more family members! That seems like a lot, but the more I think about it and my own friends/family, the more it makes sense.

zolotiyeruki

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3298 on: December 09, 2023, 02:33:40 PM »
Its interesting to me that people who grow up in the same family can end up estranged, yet I see it a lot more as I enter middle age. I have a sister who went through some really tough (emotional) times, to the point where she cut almost *everyone* out of her life, and has, over the course of many years, gradually and very carefully allowed some back into her circle.  A relative of mine hosted a bunch of family for thanksgiving, and is now >||< this close to cutting off a couple of teenage relatives due to their behavior towards her kids. We're talking bullying and sexual harassment to the point the kid hid for most of the day.


Sibley

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Re: Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.
« Reply #3299 on: December 09, 2023, 04:28:35 PM »
AdrianC, what are the consequences if you don't meet the 3 month deadline (I'm not sure if you're 9 months past that deadline or still within it). Because if you're going to face real consequences, then it's reasonable to push. Even if your sibling doesn't want to.
Sorry, maybe I wasn't very clear. Probate was applied for and then was granted 3 months ago. The grant of probate allows the executor to collect and distribute the assets according to the will, but there is no deadline on when this has to be done. There is the "executor's year" - the executor has a year after the death to distribute the assets - but if I understand correctly, it's more of a guide than a rule. Dragging it out does mean more billable hours for the solicitor, I'm sure.

Yeah, good luck. I am not ok with people dragging their feet forever on necessary paperwork. If your sibling is just struggling to cope, maybe you could offer to handle it? I don't know the rules obviously, but figuring out what options you have is a good idea.