Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.

[Villanelle]

My mother-in-law has been asking us to set up an appointment with a lawyer to make a proper will, etc, so we're doing that on 8/3.

As part of the process, they sent a planning form to be filled in before the meeting, if possible. Now, my MIL is currently worth around $240k, including her condo (we guesstimate around $100k for that).

One question asked if she had any specific bequests. She has three distant relatives in her home country that are now in their twenties, and she has never met them. I doubt they even know she exists. We asked how much she'd like to leave them, and she says $30k! A few minutes later we talked her down to $1,000 each. Why $30k? It's a cultural thing. She wants to be remembered as the rich American who dropped a ton of money in their laps, as if they'd care where it came from :)

I'm looking forward to getting everything documented. There's one family member who will have issues with what she wants, for sure. That person was informally adopted back in the '60s, and legally, no paperwork was ever filed. I guess if they don't like it, there's not much recourse. No one else gets along with them, and the rest of my wife's family has decided that once MIL goes, they have no desire to interact with the toxic family member ever again.

We encourage MIL to enjoy what she has and spend what she likes. Her monthly SS income is enough to keep her going in comfort, and she's in her nineties, so she might as well do what she likes at this point.

So, no drama yet, but I see it coming on the horizon. Time to get everything written down and finalized.

If she wants to leave them $30k, why would you try to talk her out of it?  It's her money, and at that point, she won't need it so making sure she is taken care of can't be the motivation.  Why should it matter if *you* think it's silly where her money goes after she's dead?   

[iluvzbeach]

I completely agree. Besides, that $30K she wants to leave relatives in her home country may completely change the trajectory of their lives. She should be allowed to leave her money to whomever she wishes, without input from anyone else. Period.

[Dicey]

One should always give in percentages, not absolute dollars. Otherwise, as funds get spent down, those specific dollar bequests can eat up the entire estate, leaving nothing for anyone else. I agree that it's her money to do what she wishes, but it may not be her intention to give it all to those three relatives, which could happen.

Also, there are costs associated with selling her condo. Don't forget to include them in your estimations.

[Dollar Slice]

One should always give in percentages, not absolute dollars. Otherwise, as funds get spent down, those specific dollar bequests can eat up the entire estate, leaving nothing for anyone else.

And in rare cases, the opposite. My father was the only relative named in the will of his childless great uncle and received a specified amount... which ended up being around one half of one percent of his multi-million-dollar estate. We'll never know if that's exactly what he wanted or if he just never updated that part of his will for a few decades.

[Dicey]

One should always give in percentages, not absolute dollars. Otherwise, as funds get spent down, those specific dollar bequests can eat up the entire estate, leaving nothing for anyone else.

And in rare cases, the opposite. My father was the only relative named in the will of his childless great uncle and received a specified amount... which ended up being around one half of one percent of his multi-million-dollar estate. We'll never know if that's exactly what he wanted or if he just never updated that part of his will for a few decades.

Wow! Something's better than nothing, I suppose, but it does leave one hanging. Where did the rest of his estate go?

[Dollar Slice]

One should always give in percentages, not absolute dollars. Otherwise, as funds get spent down, those specific dollar bequests can eat up the entire estate, leaving nothing for anyone else.

And in rare cases, the opposite. My father was the only relative named in the will of his childless great uncle and received a specified amount... which ended up being around one half of one percent of his multi-million-dollar estate. We'll never know if that's exactly what he wanted or if he just never updated that part of his will for a few decades.

Wow! Something's better than nothing, I suppose, but it does leave one hanging. Where did the rest of his estate go?

He started a charitable foundation about 15 years before his death and left it all to them. I'm sure he intended to leave them a large bequest, but it's hard to know if he meant it to be quite that much. I was never really impressed with the aims of the foundation (which is interesting since it has my last name on it!), but happily in recent years they've added some new programs which are (IMO) much more useful/important.

[ca-rn]

i've been going thru inheritance drama for the last year, ugh its hell.  last parent died over a year ago now.

am trustee over small estate for 4 siblings and a manipulative aunt ( who isn't named in the trust but was promised $- all siblings aware)

3 of 4 siblings agree (begrudgingly) to follows last parent's request to give $ to manipulative aunt except for super entitled manipulative sibling who doesn't want to share.

super entitled manipulative sibling got a early and much larger "inheritance" by taking many "loans" in the past and never paid them back.  now claiming they were forgiven.  always promised to repay but never did.  entitled, champagne tastes charismatic but never could hold a regular job.  never helped with parent's care- money or time.  always too busy to help and said that i chose to help them so i shouldn't complain.

i helped the parents the most as they lived with me but 2 other siblings did help with some care and support especially when i was overwhelmed.

2 other siblings could use the money, one is kind of mustachian, the other not so much but neither borrowed money from parents.

frankly at a loss being the trustee of this estate- has caused a serious rift enough for me to write out entitled manipulative sibling from all my financial accounts.  i have let them all know this but am sure if i get killed by a bus while on my bike- manipulative sibling will try to worm way into some $ somehow.

manipulative siblings insists on having copies of all accounts, receipts, even ones not part of the trust ( did not give those), accusing me of embezzling and threatening lawsuit.   many many spiteful hateful texts and emails- i always knew sibling was manipulative but never so mean and cutting.  i paid thousands of dollars for my parents care that were never reimbursed and took many days off work to care for them and to be accused of not "doing enough" for them and threatening lawsuit is too much.

i had "loaned" sibling many thousands of dollars as well and was never paid back. 

can't wait to close this trust and never speak to dis-owned ex sibling again.

[SwordGuy]

can't wait to close this trust and never speak to dis-owned ex sibling again.

Hire an attorney to do the work of dealing with sibling. It's within your perogative as executor.

Not only that, but send an invoice to said sibling for all the loans that haven't been paid back.   Send copies of those you have documentation for to your other siblings.  See what it would cost to take sibling to civil court to collect.   If you're going to burn bridges on purpose, be sure to use napalm.  :)

[Dicey]

can't wait to close this trust and never speak to dis-owned ex sibling again.

Hire an attorney to do the work of dealing with sibling. It's within your prerogative as executor.

Not only that, but send an invoice to said sibling for all the loans that haven't been paid back.   Send copies of those you have documentation for to your other siblings.  See what it would cost to take sibling to civil court to collect.   If you're going to burn bridges on purpose, be sure to use napalm.  :)

Yeah, I have a sister that could be your sib's twin. Sadly, I let the rest of my siblings outvote me on something the black sheep sister vehemently swore she was entitled to. Pissed me off so much that after acquiescing on that point, I adamantly refused to be manipulated further. I also rewrote my own will. The pressure my sibs put on me is going to cost them in the long run, but even writing that sounds bitter. Uh, it made me re-think and revise my own beneficiary designations. Does that sound bitter better?

I suggest you strongly consider taking SG's advice, unless the estate is very small. If that's the case, I'd just call their bluff and try to wrap it up as soon as possible.

BTW, ours took two years to fully disburse. All the experts said we were going to pay a shitload of taxes, but with careful research, and a little paid assistance from a CPA who used to work for the IRS, we managed to avoid paying them up front. And yes, Black Sheep sister did complain about how long it took, but she ended up getting more money. All of which she has blown. Sigh.

[iluvzbeach]

can't wait to close this trust and never speak to dis-owned ex sibling again.

Hire an attorney to do the work of dealing with sibling. It's within your perogative as executor.

Not only that, but send an invoice to said sibling for all the loans that haven't been paid back.   Send copies of those you have documentation for to your other siblings.  See what it would cost to take sibling to civil court to collect.   If you're going to burn bridges on purpose, be sure to use napalm.  :)

@SwordGuy, I think I love you in an internet stranger sort of way.

[Dancin'Dog]

It sucks to be the trustworthy one who gets the privilege of handling the details and dealing with the BS from the others, but we all know how much worse it would be if our folks had chosen the untrustworthy ones to handle things. 


I made the distributions ASAP, knowing it would be difficult to remain trustworthy any longer than necessary.   I often have regrets, but they are honorable regrets.   

[iris lily]

I am not sure how one can be successful at taking a sibling to court for “loans” that are not documented. I put loans in quotes because likely it was only a verbal agreement, and casual at that. If there is a promissory note, that is a different deal. Highly unlikely, tho.

Ask me how I know, ha ha.

Situation is  playing out in DH’s family has very large amounts of money going to one of the siblings who promised to pay it back which never happened. No one in his family is going after that money because it is lost. This is a family that, at one time, did dormally loan money back-and-forth to each other. Family business. Parents lent  money to son. Son lent money to parents. All documented with promissory notes stating interest rate. But that was way back when. Parental expectations relaxed with younger sibs.

[TomTX]

can't wait to close this trust and never speak to dis-owned ex sibling again.

Hire an attorney to do the work of dealing with sibling. It's within your perogative as executor.

Not only that, but send an invoice to said sibling for all the loans that haven't been paid back.   Send copies of those you have documentation for to your other siblings.  See what it would cost to take sibling to civil court to collect.   If you're going to burn bridges on purpose, be sure to use napalm.  :)

If documented, those loans are an asset of the estate. Handle them as such.

My brother has taken out and never repaid loans from my parents, but they are all documented and I have been instructed that they should be considered part of "his share" of any inheritance.

And I like the lawyer plan.

[SwordGuy]

can't wait to close this trust and never speak to dis-owned ex sibling again.

Hire an attorney to do the work of dealing with sibling. It's within your perogative as executor.

Not only that, but send an invoice to said sibling for all the loans that haven't been paid back.   Send copies of those you have documentation for to your other siblings.  See what it would cost to take sibling to civil court to collect.   If you're going to burn bridges on purpose, be sure to use napalm.  :)

If documented, those loans are an asset of the estate. Handle them as such.

My brother has taken out and never repaid loans from my parents, but they are all documented and I have been instructed that they should be considered part of "his share" of any inheritance.

And I like the lawyer plan.

My wife has 2 brothers and 1 sister.  Their mother is very old and not in the best of health.   She's living on borrowed time, she almost died about 2 years ago.   

We all fully expect her sister to act horribly when her mom passes.   One of her brothers will be the executor.   We've suggested he hire a lawyer to deal with his sister.   

He's in the process of selling his mom's home (with her blessing) since she's in a nursing home and won't be coming out of it.   His mom's home is a block away from his own and he has a horror that the problem sister will move into it.   I can't say I blame him.   The horror isn't the money, the house is worth very little.   He just doesn't want her as a neighbor.

[saguaro]

Yeah, I have a sister that could be your sib's twin. Sadly, I let the rest of my siblings outvote me on something the black sheep sister vehemently swore she was entitled to. Pissed me off so much that after acquiescing on that point, I adamantly refused to be manipulated further. I also rewrote my own will. The pressure my sibs put on me is going to cost them in the long run, but even writing that sounds bitter. Uh, it made me re-think and revise my own beneficiary designations. Does that sound bitter better?

@Dicey, just want to say to the bolded that it doesn't sound bitter.  It sounds like a logical consequence.

After my special trustee duties of selling my parents house were finished, I had learned so much of how my sister mishandled things that I started revising my beneficiary designations beginning when I took my disbursement check to the bank.   She has no idea how much gaining for herself is going to cost her in the end.

[Dicey]

Yeah, I have a sister that could be your sib's twin. Sadly, I let the rest of my siblings outvote me on something the black sheep sister vehemently swore she was entitled to. Pissed me off so much that after acquiescing on that point, I adamantly refused to be manipulated further. I also rewrote my own will. The pressure my sibs put on me is going to cost them in the long run, but even writing that sounds bitter. Uh, it made me re-think and revise my own beneficiary designations. Does that sound bitter better?

@Dicey, just want to say to the bolded that it doesn't sound bitter.  It sounds like a logical consequence.

After my special trustee duties of selling my parents house were finished, I had learned so much of how my sister mishandled things that I started revising my beneficiary designations beginning when I took my disbursement check to the bank.   She has no idea how much gaining for herself is going to cost her in the end.

Heh-heh, I know just what you mean...my parent's estate was significantly smaller than it might have been because of sister's constant draining of parental resources. She gambles. In the year before my mom died, she stole at least $11k in cash via fradulent CC use that I know of, in addition to manymanymany other things. The fact that she still got (and squandered) the biggest piece of the pie will never be forgotten.

Just to keep this thing on topic, I'll add another glimpse into her dark soul. After my Mom's Memorial, Dad didn't want to live in the house without her. He wanted to go to my brother's in AZ, so another sister, DH and I packed him up and moved him. He took what little he wanted and left the rest, which was heartbreakingly sad in itself.

My parent's gated Senior Community hosts an annual garage sale. As it happens, it was scheduled for about six weeks after her passing, which was WAY too soon, but it had to be done. Other Sister, DH and I did the seven hour each way shlep multiple times to get the house ready. The three of us ran the Estate Sale. Black Sheep Sister was nowhere to be found, as she'd already taken what was "hers" and disappeared, despite living less than an hour away.

During the sale, we got an all-cash offer on the house.  The prospective buyer was - wait for it - a Probate Judge. It didn't phase him in the least that Dad was out of state and the house was in a trust. We told him we'd already had an offer for the same amount and asked him to do a little better, which he did. We were elated, because we didn't have to pay any commissions or fees to get the sale closed. All the houses in their community had one of three floor plans, so we knew exactly what it was worth.

When Black Sheep Sister is employed, she works in Title Insurance. When she discovered the house was already in escrow*, she split a fucking gasket. She screamed and swore that we had sold the house too cheaply and that she was going to consult a lawyer and sue us. She knew nothing about the terms of the deal, but we knew it was rock-solid. Talk to the hand, Black Sheep Sister.

Meanwhile, the same trio returned to the house one last time after the Estate Sale and cleaned the ever-loving shit out of it. DH touched up all the paint, and sis and I scrubbed everything. We rented a pro carpet cleaner and DH worked on it for hours until it looked like new. The buyer was thrilled, telling us he fully expected he'd have to replace the carpet and repaint. Um, nope. We took pride in the job we did, and he had offered us a fair price and completely eliminated any hassle we might have otherwise encountered. Win-win.

*Valuable lesson learned for me. Whenever we buy property, we expressly forbid the use of any Title Company BSS has ever worked for. No need for her to know any more of our business than she can already get her nosy mitts on.

I know I've told parts of this story before, but damn, @saguaro, it felt good to let that out again. Thanks!

[jeninco]

@Dicey, that's just ...

wow.

What a piece of freakin' work.

[kanga1622]

I am not sure how one can be successful at taking a sibling to court for “loans” that are not documented. I put loans in quotes because likely it was only a verbal agreement, and casual at that. If there is a promissory note, that is a different deal. Highly unlikely, tho.

Ask me how I know, ha ha.

Situation is  playing out in DH’s family has very large amounts of money going to one of the siblings who promised to pay it back which never happened. No one in his family is going after that money because it is lost. This is a family that, at one time, did dormally loan money back-and-forth to each other. Family business. Parents lent  money to son. Son lent money to parents. All documented with promissory notes stating interest rate. But that was way back when. Parental expectations relaxed with younger sibs.

This is such a huge trust issue. My dad was VERY clear with all of us that one sibling had taken out loans from him and not paid them back. He told all of us that it was to come out of her share of the inheritance. Dad documented EVERYTHING so we of course found the payment schedule and my sibling was honest about how much/little was paid back.

[Sugaree]

I am not sure how one can be successful at taking a sibling to court for “loans” that are not documented. I put loans in quotes because likely it was only a verbal agreement, and casual at that. If there is a promissory note, that is a different deal. Highly unlikely, tho.

Ask me how I know, ha ha.

Situation is  playing out in DH’s family has very large amounts of money going to one of the siblings who promised to pay it back which never happened. No one in his family is going after that money because it is lost. This is a family that, at one time, did dormally loan money back-and-forth to each other. Family business. Parents lent  money to son. Son lent money to parents. All documented with promissory notes stating interest rate. But that was way back when. Parental expectations relaxed with younger sibs.

This is such a huge trust issue. My dad was VERY clear with all of us that one sibling had taken out loans from him and not paid them back. He told all of us that it was to come out of her share of the inheritance. Dad documented EVERYTHING so we of course found the payment schedule and my sibling was honest about how much/little was paid back.

My grandfather kept a little notebook with all the loans he'd given the family over the years and which ones had/hadn't been paid back.  Funny enough, that notebook was never found after my uncle left after the funeral (with the big ass TV in the back of his truck).

[mm1970]

@Dicey, that's just ...

wow.

What a piece of freakin' work.

Yup.  Wow.

[Villanelle]

I am not sure how one can be successful at taking a sibling to court for “loans” that are not documented. I put loans in quotes because likely it was only a verbal agreement, and casual at that. If there is a promissory note, that is a different deal. Highly unlikely, tho.

Ask me how I know, ha ha.

Situation is  playing out in DH’s family has very large amounts of money going to one of the siblings who promised to pay it back which never happened. No one in his family is going after that money because it is lost. This is a family that, at one time, did dormally loan money back-and-forth to each other. Family business. Parents lent  money to son. Son lent money to parents. All documented with promissory notes stating interest rate. But that was way back when. Parental expectations relaxed with younger sibs.

This is such a huge trust issue. My dad was VERY clear with all of us that one sibling had taken out loans from him and not paid them back. He told all of us that it was to come out of her share of the inheritance. Dad documented EVERYTHING so we of course found the payment schedule and my sibling was honest about how much/little was paid back.

We refinanced our mortgage through my parents.  We all considered it a win-win.  We got a lower rate (which we couldn't get on the open market because the home was no longer owner occupied, not because we didn't qualify) and he got an essentially guaranteed return on his money, and the interest stayed in the family.  But it was done officially.  There is a lien, we both include the $ in our tax filings (us as interest paid, them as income), and my mom faithfully enters every monthly payment into a log book.  It's also well-known by my sister that the loan exists. 

I think parents do their kids no favors by making loans and assuming they will be paid back when an estate is settled, but not making that official. 

Even just a little book isn't super useful (though better than nothing). It can disappear, someone can claim that they were told it would be forgiven, or any number of other shenanigans.   Official documentation and/or mentioning it in the will seems to be the way to go (which I would think could be done without needing frequent updates unless additional loans were made--a loan of $x0k, made on Jan 1 2010 at 3% interest was made and monthly payment will be made/received until it is paid in full.  Any amount remaining upon my death will be taken out of Child1's share of the inheritance before it is distributed.)  That wouldn't account for missed payments or extra payments, but it would at least get close.  (I also pay by check so there is a paper trail and the check comes with a note of the address of the property to it is very clear what it is for.) 

The one thing I worry about with my parents estate is that my mom has said I can have her charm bracelet (sister knows this and isn't thrilled, and has "jokingly" told me she will take one charm of her choice and then I can have it.  I am actually okay with that unless it is one specific charm, which means the most) and the hope chest my mother's mother bought mom when she turned 16.  Mom has made it clear to me, but not to sister, and I worry.  Neither item is especially valuable in the context of the estate amount, although I'd happy pay for the weight of the gold in the bracelet if that appeases my sister.  I expect her to be level-headed and reasonable, but do worry about these sentimental items.  I can't think of a good way to push my mom to make it clear, however, without coming off as greedy or insensitive. 

On the other hand, I consider myself very fortunate (and hope I'm right!) that this will likely be the worst of the inheritance issues. 

[shadesofgreen]

I am dealing with drama but it has nothing to do with anyone Inheriting at the moment ---

My drama is that I am the executor for my Dad's estate who passed this year in late March.
I was also the executor after my Dad for my stepmom who passed 5 years ago in June.  I thought he did stuff -- not so much.

Due to Dad not probating K's will and how our state is I have to get Court Approval to sell the house because my stepmom's name was never taken off the house title. So basically I am executing both estates now. This just sucks in so many ways.

The house was supposed to go on the market today but I legally can't sell it until I am approved by the court for my stepmom. I have already been approved for my Dad but now it's a waiting game and I am just so ready to be done with this. We are still hoping that we get approval by the end of the week.

Things were held up due to lockdown and COVID. By like at least 2 months plus.

Dad's Lawyer who I initially used was beyond slow also uncommunicative and the paperwork didn't get to the court until after the 4th of July. I ended up having to call and say I wanted the will and the retainer before anything occurred.

I have now gotten a new lawyer which is how I am finding out tons of things that I did not know about before -- which is good but all the extra things (aka legal hoops) are really frustrating. I really wish I had used someone else initially but hindsight is 20/20.

So please be aware that if your spouse passes and their name is not taken off the title of the property there could be issues if you die and your Executor goes to sell the home. Laws my vary by state, etc.

[geekette]

Speaking of Covid weirdness and houses - in January, we finally sold my FIL's house (he died 6 years ago).  Then apparently the county shut down, so the sale has not yet been officially recorded.  We got the tax bill and the insert said something like "if you've sold this property, please forward the tax bill to the new owner".  Thankfully, the new owner is a relative of DH and his sister, but I can see that being a bit awkward.

Another oddity is that the town sends the water bill to the property owner, not the occupant, so we've been forwarding those as well.

I look forward to finally being "finished" with the estate details!

[talltexan]

It may vary by state, but I sold a property in early April and received the tax statement for that property in July (with the same request that I "forward it to the new owner")

[SwordGuy]

It may vary by state, but I sold a property in early April and received the tax statement for that property in July (with the same request that I "forward it to the new owner")

That's ludicrously bad!

The deed should have been recorded within a business day -- and the deed should have the new owner's address of record.

[talltexan]

The deed was recorded--in NC, it's a requirement for the buyer to gain access to the property--but they're still mailing the former owner the tax statement.

[geekette]

The deed was recorded--in NC, it's a requirement for the buyer to gain access to the property--but they're still mailing the former owner the tax statement.

And the damn water bill.

[talltexan]

Lol, I know, right!

[Rural]

Without exception, property tax bill here goes to the owner on Jan. 1.

[SwordGuy]

The deed was recorded--in NC, it's a requirement for the buyer to gain access to the property--but they're still mailing the former owner the tax statement.

I live in NC and have never received a property tax bill for a house I had already sold.   And I've sold several. 

I think it may be your local county that's the problem here.

[SwordGuy]

The deed was recorded--in NC, it's a requirement for the buyer to gain access to the property--but they're still mailing the former owner the tax statement.

I live in NC and have never received a property tax bill for a house I had already sold.   And I've sold several. 

I think it may be your local county that's the problem here.

You know, now that I think about it a bit more, I may be wrong.

There's an adjustment on the closing statement about the taxes.  I just don't remember whether I pay and they credit me their share or they pay and I credit them my share.

I've sent a question to my closing attorney to ask him.    Since I've got a $0 or $3,600 property tax bill coming up on the house I just sold and another $0 or $1,200 on the other one I just sold, it would be helpful to know for sure...

[talltexan]

Indeed it could be a county thing, @SwordGuy . We are in Mecklenburg county.

I couldn't imagine there being a case in which they thing approaching someone who has already sold a property for taxes would be a sensible way to collect revenue, if I were the county assessor, I would want to make sure they guy who owes me is the person who is living in the house (because the seller could be leaving the area). But local governments aren't always well run.

[ixtap]

The deed was recorded--in NC, it's a requirement for the buyer to gain access to the property--but they're still mailing the former owner the tax statement.

I live in NC and have never received a property tax bill for a house I had already sold.   And I've sold several. 

I think it may be your local county that's the problem here.

You know, now that I think about it a bit more, I may be wrong.

There's an adjustment on the closing statement about the taxes.  I just don't remember whether I pay and they credit me their share or they pay and I credit them my share.

I've sent a question to my closing attorney to ask him.    Since I've got a $0 or $3,600 property tax bill coming up on the house I just sold and another $0 or $1,200 on the other one I just sold, it would be helpful to know for sure...

In most places, it depends on the closing date relative to tax deadlines, such as the assessment date. And yes, the contract should always settle the split between the previous and the new owner, generally with the one not legally liable.handing over their share at closing.

[SwordGuy]

Here's what my attorney wrote back to me:

"Buyer will.  At closing you gave buyer your share of the estimated bill since it wasn’t out.  Making the bill when it comes out the responsibility of the buyer and their mortgage co.  "

[Uturn]

Back in 2011, a work acquaintance got fired.  A few weeks later, I messaged her on FB to see how she was doing.  Little did I know what sort of drama this simple act of compassion would bring.

It turns out that she lost her job just before her apartment lease expired.  Since she didn't have any income, they would not renew and she couldn't get another apartment.  I thought I could help since I lived alone and had two bedrooms that I had not even stepped foot inside of in months. I offered her a room for $400/mo and she buys her own food.  We agreed this would be temporary until she got back on her feet. I said don't worry about the first month.

 She moves in and I talk her into working through a temp agency just to get money coming in until she finds work in her chosen field.  She takes a temp job about 20 miles away. I think to myself, dang 40 miles a day feeding a Suburban must suck. But I keep that to myself, I'm glad she is working again.  She also eats out more than at home, but it's none of my business. I do remind her that the kitchen is a communal area and she is welcome to use anything in there as long as she cleans up after.

After about 3 months or so, I have learned a lot about this friend. She really is skilled at bad decisions, especially financial ones. Then one day I walk outside and notice her Suburban is gone.  She freaks out a bit, then calls the cops to report it stolen. As the cop is doing the report, he gets word that it was repossessed.  After he leaves, I said that I thought she owned it outright. She says that she got a title loan to pay me rent. But because gas and food are so expensive, she didn't have enough left over to make the payments.

I let her use my truck to get to work, since I have another car anyhow.  After about a week, I figured this is not going to work.  I did some research on what her Suburban was worth and asked how much she owed.  She owed just about book value.  I was surprised they loaned so close to book value at those places.  I told her that it was not worth it to get the Suburban back, and went out and bought her a very used Mazda sedan for around $1500.  It needed brakes, shocks, and full fluid change.  I insisted that she help and learn something about basic auto maintenance.  I told her that the only repayment I expect is she needs to get her head out of her ass and grow up.  35 and doesn't know how to cook, is very sloppy, and basically thinks like a teenager.  And for goodness sake, never go to a title loan place again.

About a year later, she gets a $300k inheritance.  She decides that she needs a new car because the one I bought her is barely running.  The last maintenance was when she first got it. I'm happy for her and tell her that if she manages it well, it will be a blessing, if she manages it poorly, it will be a curse.  I offer to show her how if she wants, she declines. I say nothing else. A few months later, I tell her that our original agreement was she could live there until she is back on her feet, it's been almost two years and it's time to go.  She moves out a couple of weeks later.

Over the next few months, I notice that she is spending a ton of money.  I keep my mouth shut, it's not my money to worry about.  We are still friends and hang out and text often. She also has a lot of new friends, folks that I would say of questionable character. I also notice that she spends a lot of money on them. After about 8 months of this, I sit her down and tell her that I am worried about her spend rate and offer to help her invest.  She gets pissed and says that I am jealous of her new friends and money, tells me to leave.  She unfriends me from facebook and stops returning texts.

I don't hear from her again until 2018. I get a FB request. She is living in a subsidized apartment and wants to use me as a job reference.  Sure, why not. She actually is good at what she does.  I don't hear from her again until this past Saturday.  Seems the job is gone, rent is due, and she doesn't have the money for the title loan.  I have not responded to the three texts, FB message, or the voicemail.   

[geekette]

The house we sold is in Moore, and we were told by our closing attorney that they had not updated the online records since the first of the year.  We closed on 1/8 and paid for the first week of taxes.

Although this prompted me to check again - apparently, they've caught up now.  Maybe we won't get those water bills anymore!

[Smokystache]

Back in 2011, a work acquaintance got fired.  A few weeks later, I messaged her on FB to see how she was doing.  Little did I know what sort of drama this simple act of compassion would bring. ...

This is so juicy that it almost needs its own ongoing thread. Wow. Just wow. You went above and beyond in multiple ways. Glad that you're not jumping on that sinking ship. Yikes.

[TheGrimSqueaker]

I don't hear from her again until 2018. I get a FB request. She is living in a subsidized apartment and wants to use me as a job reference.  Sure, why not. She actually is good at what she does.  I don't hear from her again until this past Saturday.  Seems the job is gone, rent is due, and she doesn't have the money for the title loan.  I have not responded to the three texts, FB message, or the voicemail.

You're nicer than me. People who unfriend me intentionally don't get re-friended. It's because I've noticed that letting people back into my life after they do things that ordinarily end the relationship guarantees they will continue to do relationship-ending things while expecting me to hold up my end of the friendship. No thanks to all that.

If the request for aid came in any other way, I'd tell her that she should probably ask the lowlifes who helped her spend down her inheritance. Giving her a car, a free month's rent, and a sincere offer to help her with adult skills should have been more than enough. What idiots like this generally want is an enabler so that they can continue doing whatever thing got them in trouble. With some people it's booze or gambling; with this one it's random spending and failure to live within her means.

[Dicey]

Back in 2011, a work acquaintance got fired.  A few weeks later, I messaged her on FB to see how she was doing.  Little did I know what sort of drama this simple act of compassion would bring. ...

This is so juicy that it almost needs its own ongoing thread. Wow. Just wow. You went above and beyond in multiple ways. Glad that you're not jumping on that sinking ship. Yikes.

Yikes indeed.

[JGS1980]

Back in 2011, a work acquaintance got fired.  A few weeks later, I messaged her on FB to see how she was doing.  Little did I know what sort of drama this simple act of compassion would bring. ...

This is so juicy that it almost needs its own ongoing thread. Wow. Just wow. You went above and beyond in multiple ways. Glad that you're not jumping on that sinking ship. Yikes.

"Nobody Knows You When You're Down And Out"

Once I lived the life of a millionaire,
Spent all my money, didn't have any care.
Took all my friends out for a mighty good time,
Bought bootleg liquor, champagne and wine.

Then I began to fall so low,
Lost all my good friends, had nowhere to go.
I get my hands on a dollar again,
I'll hang on to it 'til that old eagle grins.

Because nobody loves you
When you're down and out.
In your pocket, not one penny,
And as for friends... you don't have many.

When you get back on your feet again,
Everybody wants to be your long-lost friend.
I said it straight without any doubt,
Nobody knows you when you're down and out........

[Dicey]

Back in 2011, a work acquaintance got fired.  A few weeks later, I messaged her on FB to see how she was doing.  Little did I know what sort of drama this simple act of compassion would bring. ...

This is so juicy that it almost needs its own ongoing thread. Wow. Just wow. You went above and beyond in multiple ways. Glad that you're not jumping on that sinking ship. Yikes.

"Nobody Knows You When You're Down And Out"

Once I lived the life of a millionaire,
Spent all my money, didn't have any care.
Took all my friends out for a mighty good time,
Bought bootleg liquor, champagne and wine.

Then I began to fall so low,
Lost all my good friends, had nowhere to go.
I get my hands on a dollar again,
I'll hang on to it 'til that old eagle grins.

Because nobody loves you
When you're down and out.
In your pocket, not one penny,
And as for friends... you don't have many.

When you get back on your feet again,
Everybody wants to be your long-lost friend.
I said it straight without any doubt,
Nobody knows you when you're down and out........

Ahhh...Eric Clapton.

[SwordGuy]

Back in 2011, a work acquaintance got fired.  A few weeks later, I messaged her on FB to see how she was doing.  Little did I know what sort of drama this simple act of compassion would bring. ...

This is so juicy that it almost needs its own ongoing thread. Wow. Just wow. You went above and beyond in multiple ways. Glad that you're not jumping on that sinking ship. Yikes.

Great song and absolutely not-applicable to the poster's situation.  He was a great friend to that person.   He went above and beyond.   He also learned (or decided to use) the old adage that you don't help people more than they are willing to help themselves.

"Nobody Knows You When You're Down And Out"

Once I lived the life of a millionaire,
Spent all my money, didn't have any care.
Took all my friends out for a mighty good time,
Bought bootleg liquor, champagne and wine.

Then I began to fall so low,
Lost all my good friends, had nowhere to go.
I get my hands on a dollar again,
I'll hang on to it 'til that old eagle grins.

Because nobody loves you
When you're down and out.
In your pocket, not one penny,
And as for friends... you don't have many.

When you get back on your feet again,
Everybody wants to be your long-lost friend.
I said it straight without any doubt,
Nobody knows you when you're down and out........

[Imma]

Back in 2011, a work acquaintance got fired.  A few weeks later, I messaged her on FB to see how she was doing.  Little did I know what sort of drama this simple act of compassion would bring. ...

This is so juicy that it almost needs its own ongoing thread. Wow. Just wow. You went above and beyond in multiple ways. Glad that you're not jumping on that sinking ship. Yikes.

Isn't it remarkable how some people seem to have a talent for making the worst possible decision every single time? They were losing their place to live, but a friend offers them a roof over their head and a rent-free month. Then that friend offers to teach you car maintenance for free! I'd feel lucky if I was her.

And then there's a massive inheritance, enough money to buy a place outright, and a reliable vehicle - I know mustachians like mortgages but for an average person, owning a house outright is very sensible because you can't spend that money on crap anymore and you live there too. This kind of inheritance is life changing. But instead of taking that chance with both hands they waste it. As the Bon Jovi song says "luck ain't even lucky, gotta make your own breaks" and some people just refuse to make their own breaks even if they are handed to them on a silver platter.

[jinga nation]

Back in 2011, a work acquaintance got fired.  A few weeks later, I messaged her on FB to see how she was doing.  Little did I know what sort of drama this simple act of compassion would bring.
...

In Real Life parable of the drowning man (asking God for help while ignoring rescue truck, raft, helicopter).

[saguaro]

You're nicer than me. People who unfriend me intentionally don't get re-friended. It's because I've noticed that letting people back into my life after they do things that ordinarily end the relationship guarantees they will continue to do relationship-ending things while expecting me to hold up my end of the friendship. No thanks to all that.

This.   I helped out a very good friend who fell on hard times years ago.  Provided transportation when she decided to move cross country, gave her money, food and stored her stuff while she got on her feet.    Long story short, after a couple of years and a ton of drama, ties were cut but reestablished a few years later.   Then she cut ties again, this time unfriending me and not returning my calls.   Now she is crying out to me wanting to reestablish contact, apologizing for cutting ties again.    I just can't go there again, I just don't have the energy to deal with another round of drama.  Especially when she ended the last appeal that if "I wait too long, she might be six feet under".

[mm1970]

I don't hear from her again until 2018. I get a FB request. She is living in a subsidized apartment and wants to use me as a job reference.  Sure, why not. She actually is good at what she does.  I don't hear from her again until this past Saturday.  Seems the job is gone, rent is due, and she doesn't have the money for the title loan.  I have not responded to the three texts, FB message, or the voicemail.

You're nicer than me. People who unfriend me intentionally don't get re-friended. It's because I've noticed that letting people back into my life after they do things that ordinarily end the relationship guarantees they will continue to do relationship-ending things while expecting me to hold up my end of the friendship. No thanks to all that.

If the request for aid came in any other way, I'd tell her that she should probably ask the lowlifes who helped her spend down her inheritance. Giving her a car, a free month's rent, and a sincere offer to help her with adult skills should have been more than enough. What idiots like this generally want is an enabler so that they can continue doing whatever thing got them in trouble. With some people it's booze or gambling; with this one it's random spending and failure to live within her means.

+1.

Heck, I'VE unfriended people on FB and then weeks later they notice and try to refriend me...yeah no.  There's a reason you are gone (not money related...)

I think you were FAR too generous - a car, free rent?

[TheGrimSqueaker]

You're nicer than me. People who unfriend me intentionally don't get re-friended. It's because I've noticed that letting people back into my life after they do things that ordinarily end the relationship guarantees they will continue to do relationship-ending things while expecting me to hold up my end of the friendship. No thanks to all that.

This.   I helped out a very good friend who fell on hard times years ago.  Provided transportation when she decided to move cross country, gave her money, food and stored her stuff while she got on her feet.    Long story short, after a couple of years and a ton of drama, ties were cut but reestablished a few years later.   Then she cut ties again, this time unfriending me and not returning my calls.   Now she is crying out to me wanting to reestablish contact, apologizing for cutting ties again.    I just can't go there again, I just don't have the energy to deal with another round of drama.  Especially when she ended the last appeal that if "I wait too long, she might be six feet under".

When you receive a message like that, the best course of action is to forward it to the moderators or the response team on Facebook or whatever other social media platform you're using. Add a note indicating that you've been out of contact for years. Then respond to the contact with two sentences:

1. Anyone who threatens suicide to force someone else to communicate is not worth a third chance.
2. I have forwarded your message to the platform response team and they should be able to get you in touch with the help you need.

After that, use the block feature.

[Sugaree]

My best friend's sister's husband died of a heart attack in his sleep Sunday night.  His family has called several times, not to check on their 10 year-old grandson, but to scream at the new widow about her choice to cremate him and to tell her to sign the title of his cars over to them.  He apparently made decent enough money buying older cars, fixing them up, and reselling them.  So, BFF's sister is currently holding the titles to 10 beaters in various stages of repair and a maybe rollback (she's not sure if he owned it outright or if he's the only one on the title).  His dad was on his bank account and has likely already emptied the account and now they want the cars too.  Unfortunately, the cars were being stored on his dad's land, so physically getting them may be a problem.  This is going to end up being a case of a bunch of people fighting over next to nothing.

[Sibley]

My best friend's sister's husband died of a heart attack in his sleep Sunday night.  His family has called several times, not to check on their 10 year-old grandson, but to scream at the new widow about her choice to cremate him and to tell her to sign the title of his cars over to them.  He apparently made decent enough money buying older cars, fixing them up, and reselling them.  So, BFF's sister is currently holding the titles to 10 beaters in various stages of repair and a maybe rollback (she's not sure if he owned it outright or if he's the only one on the title).  His dad was on his bank account and has likely already emptied the account and now they want the cars too.  Unfortunately, the cars were being stored on his dad's land, so physically getting them may be a problem.  This is going to end up being a case of a bunch of people fighting over next to nothing.

Oh dear. Does the widow have enough money to pay the bills, feed the kid, etc? Because that is REALLY crappy of the grandfather if he drained the account.

[Dicey]

If he hasn't already drained the account, she should close it asap and open a new one in her own name. If she's too devastated, please have someone trusted take her to the bank. Then put a freeze on his credit, so the less scrupulous can't tamper with that. After that, check into the titles on the cars. I'm sure there are ways to prevent him from selling them out from under her, but it will probably require a lawyer's help.