Inheritance Drama: You Got Any? Stories Wanted.

[elaine amj]

The thing I don't understand is how parents can be so obtuse with these things.  Can they not see the emotional damage they are wreaking?  I love what my mom and stepfather have done:  with my mom's two and my stepfather's three kids, they have said that they plan to split everything 5 ways.  Plain and simple.  If one goes before the other, I guess that could potentially change, but given who they are, how they live, and how generous and kind they are, I doubt it.  And if so, so what?  We are all grown ups and don't "deserve" anything.

I think most people do, but they rationalise it away as one son being emotionally hurt as a lesser evil than their other son actually starving/becoming homeless in retirement.  Even when the starvation/homelessness/whatever is entirely self-inflicted.

In the Millionaire Next Door books the author talks about how wealthy parents can inadvertantly 'weaken' one child with what he called 'economic outpatient care'.  EOC involved subsidising the child's lifestyle and perversely rewarding their bad behaviour.

I think that most parents and/or grandparents don't realize how their actions make the other siblings feel when they single out one to help even when the rest are financially and emotionally fine. If they do, they must believe that the other kids that "don't need it" understand and are okay with the additional help that is given. Because I do not have any kids I cannot speak from a parents point of view but I wonder if some of the extra giving is because parents want to feel needed and so they continue to give to the struggling children even if it is self-inflicted. Do any parents have thoughts on this?

 I have experienced this firsthand and completely agree with "Economic Outpatient Care". My parents continue to financially help my soon to be 26 year old sibling even though she has a decent job ($45k) because she blows it on ridiculous stuff. I just sit back and wonder how long it will continue...?

As a parent of teens, I wonder how I would handle it. When we grew up, my older brother has received much more financial support from my parents than I have (my Dad bought him a car, etc). I don't ask for details so I don't know how much. He has always struggled on the edge financially and now, in his late 30s, with a wife and small baby to support, he still has to ask for financial help now and again. On the other hand, I've always been proud of being prudent financially. I got married young and DH and I have always been careful with our money. My parents have given us money for trips to visit them, generous gifts for all of us (I joke that all my "nice" furniture are gifts from my Dad) and so on but other than that, we support ourselves just fine.

At this point, I have no feelings of resentment or jealousy over the extra help my brother has gotten. Whether it was healthy for him is a whole 'nother topic. And I already find myself wanting to be extra generous towards his baby girl (I'm trying to convince DH to let me pay for all of us to have a vacation at Disney next summer).

I have a sneaky feeling that when it comes to dividing the estate, I will likely WANT to give a larger portion to my brother under the guise that "he needs it more". ACK - I am as bad as my parents!!!

[Racer X]

We're working through a "but X needs it more" situation at present, but with a slight twist. 

DW's parents are both still with us, but they're doing some estate planning and DW, being the financially stable sibling, has been included in the conversation.  My BIL is a walking financial disaster.  Good guy, but some poor career decisions, bankruptcy, divorce, and a tendency to spend on things because he "deserves" them have all taken their toll.  He and his young son have now moved back "home" with the in-laws.  He has an OK job, but is basically living paycheck to paycheck.  Anyway...  the in-laws have come to the conclusion that they have assisted BIL more than DW, and want to correct that going forward.  They are obsessed with making all financial things "even." 

Our argument to them is - BIL needs it more.  We don't need their money.  We're FI.  We have everything we want and need.  If the in-laws aren't going to spend the money on themselves, then they should give it to BIL.  If you don't give BIL enough money to correct his situation (set aside the debate as to whether or not he actually WOULD use it for that...) then his financial care falls on us when the in-laws are gone.  Despite our frustrations with some of BIL's decisions, we're not so cold hearted that we're going to allow a sibling and nephew to live in poverty.  We would prefer that my in-laws give him the money, and that way we're left out of it.  Unfortunately the in-laws see it differently, and care of my BIL and nephew is going to fall squarely on our shoulders after they pass.

[Warlord1986]

Mom and Daddy are still alive. But were they to get hit by a low flying flamingo tomorrow, my older brother and I would inherit everything equally. They only difference is that I get my share upfront, while his is put in a trust with me as the executor. I told Daddy that my brother wouldn't be the rock I carry around my neck for the rest of my life, and that I would be releasing his money to him asap. The less I have to do with my sibling, the better.

Daddy shrugged, told me he would dead so he wouldn't care, then told me not to be bitter. Then he went on an hour long diatribe about what a mess my brother is, and how Daddy cried over him. I'm not the bitter one.

[iris lily]

I dont know, there is a situation n DH's family where one of the grandchildren  is "getting more,"  thousands more, than the other grandchildren. But extenuating circumstances prevail, so I dont think there is much resentment in the family.

The young man who is "getting more" was a meth head and lost his teeth. He has done a really really good job in turning his life around, and grandpa is paying multi thousands of dollars for dental implants.

Since his kid was dealt a harsh blow in life when his dad picked a loser woman for his mother, a lyng skanky person, the kid started out with less than his cousins.

So, in this case is it fine with me that the former meth kid hets etuff. After all, its just teeth and his cousns all have fine teeth.

[MayDay]

Regarding Economic Outpatient Care, I can see how it develops.

I have a kid with ASD and a neurotypical kid.  We are already spending more resources on the ASD kid (private therapy lessons, etc) because he needs it more.  Life will probably be harder for him as an adult because he lacks certain skills that DD has.  At some point he will hopefully stand on his own two feet and manage his own life, but I can see how after 20 years of helping him along, it will be hard to transition to letting him navigate life on his own.

I see it mirrored somewhat in my H and his sister.  His sister had/has ADHD as a child, and they tried medicating her but it did not work.  As a child she got some special treatment because school was a lot harder for her.  This is somewhat justified (see above comments about spending more on my own son) but MIL never transitioned to expecting more from SIL.  And now at age 38, if MIL suddenly yanked all support, it would be a disaster, because she never let SIL fail while the stakes were lower. 

MIL tried to pull the "you have to help SIL out once I am gone" on H, and he shut it down quick by telling her he would be ahppy to help her set up a trust for SIL.  That is not what MIL meant, lol, so she dropped it.  SIL is inheriting a considerably more valuable house than us (most of MIL's assets are houses that she rents out) because she "needs it more".  Consensus is that she will not be able to pay the property taxes on the expensive house- once again MIL is doing her no favors by "helping" her.  I don't care that SIL will get more*, I just hate that it will all be wasted.  Oh well.

*most of the time I don't care.  Sometimes I get really pissed on DH's behalf that his mother gives SIL 90% of her time and 60-70% of her resources. 

[MayDay]

Here is a funny story that is not exactly inheritance related.

My grandma died, and we were all helping my Grandpa clean out her stuff.  She was a huge clotheshorse.  She had certain jeans she loved, so she had 20 identical pairs.  She had 10 nearly identical black purses.  Etc.  Because, you know, Kohls was having a sale.  But she grew up SUPER poor, so we all understood why she was like that. 

My mom is going through the clothes, filling up like 20 bags with goodwill stuff, and she checks a pocket for some reason, and discovers 100$.  And then later she finds another few hundred.  And so at this point, we unpack all the bags and check all the pockets in clothes and purses in case there is more.

We found over 10,000$.

My grandpa had no clue any of it existed.  From what we could figure out, whenever she had a little extra cash, either from the budget or from selling Mary Kay, or from a holiday, she would stash it.  I am sure it started when she was a young, poor housewife, from a dysfunctional family who would not have helped her if she needed it, and this was her emergency stash.  But by the time she died, she and my grandpa were worth millions thanks to judicious saving and living frugally. 

We used the money to hold a kick ass memorial reception, which she would have loved. 

[Spork]

Mostly posting to follow.

I am just starting my own personal inheritance drama.  But it hasn't played out yet, so very difficult to guess where it will go.  Let's just say it all starts with one sibling that treated my parents very poorly, while consistently asking for (and receiving) handouts.  Of the handouts I know of, I can easily add up to a 7 figure sum -- and it's just gone now.  It went to fund a very spendy alcoholic lifestyle.

In the will the spendy alcoholic had their portion significantly reduced -- bypassing Spendy and going directly to Spendy's adult children.

Drama to follow...

[coin]

We're working through a "but X needs it more" situation at present, but with a slight twist. 

DW's parents are both still with us, but they're doing some estate planning and DW, being the financially stable sibling, has been included in the conversation.  My BIL is a walking financial disaster.  Good guy, but some poor career decisions, bankruptcy, divorce, and a tendency to spend on things because he "deserves" them have all taken their toll.  He and his young son have now moved back "home" with the in-laws.  He has an OK job, but is basically living paycheck to paycheck.  Anyway...  the in-laws have come to the conclusion that they have assisted BIL more than DW, and want to correct that going forward.  They are obsessed with making all financial things "even." 

Our argument to them is - BIL needs it more.  We don't need their money.  We're FI.  We have everything we want and need.  If the in-laws aren't going to spend the money on themselves, then they should give it to BIL.  If you don't give BIL enough money to correct his situation (set aside the debate as to whether or not he actually WOULD use it for that...) then his financial care falls on us when the in-laws are gone.  Despite our frustrations with some of BIL's decisions, we're not so cold hearted that we're going to allow a sibling and nephew to live in poverty.  We would prefer that my in-laws give him the money, and that way we're left out of it.  Unfortunately the in-laws see it differently, and care of my BIL and nephew is going to fall squarely on our shoulders after they pass.

Yeah I mentioned earlier in the thread that my parents told me my inheritance would be my then-8 year old brother plus a pile of money to ensure he was raised right. I was about... 15? Maybe 16?

Now that he's an adult they're still asking me to keep an eye on him. To be fair they aren't wrong to be so worried, but the solution is to coach him into fierce independence, not hope I catch him before he does anything too dumb.

He's part of the reason I want FI - he has learning problems and I worry about him. Plus, if I coach him into FI with me, we can hang out more often! :-)

[Neustache]

Here is a funny story that is not exactly inheritance related.

My grandma died, and we were all helping my Grandpa clean out her stuff.  She was a huge clotheshorse.  She had certain jeans she loved, so she had 20 identical pairs.  She had 10 nearly identical black purses.  Etc.  Because, you know, Kohls was having a sale.  But she grew up SUPER poor, so we all understood why she was like that. 

My mom is going through the clothes, filling up like 20 bags with goodwill stuff, and she checks a pocket for some reason, and discovers 100$.  And then later she finds another few hundred.  And so at this point, we unpack all the bags and check all the pockets in clothes and purses in case there is more.

We found over 10,000$.

My grandpa had no clue any of it existed.  From what we could figure out, whenever she had a little extra cash, either from the budget or from selling Mary Kay, or from a holiday, she would stash it.  I am sure it started when she was a young, poor housewife, from a dysfunctional family who would not have helped her if she needed it, and this was her emergency stash.  But by the time she died, she and my grandpa were worth millions thanks to judicious saving and living frugally. 

We used the money to hold a kick ass memorial reception, which she would have loved.

Awww....I love that story!!! 

[MgoSam]

That reminds me, I need to get some new jeans, if they are comfortable and I like wearing them, I'll go and buy 5 more. I'm starting to love wearing identical things daily, it makes life a little easier.

[ducky19]

Where to begin...

DW's dad and step-mother are both still alive and well, but I expect some drama when they do finally pass. My wife has 2 older brothers: the middle son is doing quite well and has MMM skills, the oldest drinks and spends too much (but his house is paid for and kids are grown, so could be much worse).

The problem is going to be with DW's step-sister. She's the same age as the older brother (late 40's?), is three times divorced, and is in general a complete train wreck. She married husband number three after dating for a couple months. He apparently told her he was a sex offender, but lied about his/the victim's ages. She had an in-home daycare that she's run for about 20 years. Suddenly, she is closing it without another job prospect. We all scratched our heads over this one, til it dawned on me that he must be a sex offender. Looked him up, sure enough - he was 19, she was 13. We passed that information on to DW's dad, who relayed it to her. Long story short, she booted him out, he landed back in jail (for like the third time) for being non-compliant. Not before he financed a car and ran up a bunch of credit cards in her name.

She decided against declaring bankruptcy, but is instead ignoring all of her bills/creditors (good plan). She's reopened her daycare, but is constantly complaining how she has no money. Meanwhile, on Facebook we see an endless procession of pictures/videos of her out at the bar with her friends each and every weekend, drinking it up. Did I mention she's friends with her daycare clients on Facebook!?!? Just the kind of person I'd want watching my kids... She's also taking a 7 day cruise in April with FIL and SMIL, but still has no money and can't figure out why. DW and I just shake our heads and use it as a teachable moment for our kids.

To their credit, FIL and SMIL have changed their will so that she only gets an 1/8 of the estate. Her other half goes to her grown daughter who is unfortunately just like her mom. I can't see this ending well. I just hope it's years from now before we have to deal with it!

[Kitsune]

That reminds me, I need to get some new jeans, if they are comfortable and I like wearing them, I'll go and buy 5 more. I'm starting to love wearing identical things daily, it makes life a little easier.

I just found a pair of jeans that are dark-wash (so I can wear them to work with a blazer), fit PERFECTLY, and are 17$. I ordered 2 more pairs, no joke.

My inheritance drama involves my uncle denying my grandmother medical care so he could spend an extra 6 months raiding her retirement accounts. The case is still in court (elder abuse), and the lawyer and psychologist who helped him are being investigated by their professional orders. The psychologist, specifically, has been ordered to stop practicing until a verdict is reached, and THAT's in court, too.

Conclusion: don't mess with my mom. She's nice until you're not, and then you're TOAST.

[Nederstash]

Where to begin...

DW's dad and step-mother are both still alive and well, but I expect some drama when they do finally pass. My wife has 2 older brothers: the middle son is doing quite well and has MMM skills, the oldest drinks and spends too much (but his house is paid for and kids are grown, so could be much worse).

The problem is going to be with DW's step-sister. She's the same age as the older brother (late 40's?), is three times divorced, and is in general a complete train wreck. She married husband number three after dating for a couple months. He apparently told her he was a sex offender, but lied about his/the victim's ages. She had an in-home daycare that she's run for about 20 years. Suddenly, she is closing it without another job prospect. We all scratched our heads over this one, til it dawned on me that he must be a sex offender. Looked him up, sure enough - he was 19, she was 13. We passed that information on to DW's dad, who relayed it to her. Long story short, she booted him out, he landed back in jail (for like the third time) for being non-compliant. Not before he financed a car and ran up a bunch of credit cards in her name.

She decided against declaring bankruptcy, but is instead ignoring all of her bills/creditors (good plan). She's reopened her daycare, but is constantly complaining how she has no money. Meanwhile, on Facebook we see an endless procession of pictures/videos of her out at the bar with her friends each and every weekend, drinking it up. Did I mention she's friends with her daycare clients on Facebook!?!? Just the kind of person I'd want watching my kids... She's also taking a 7 day cruise in April with FIL and SMIL, but still has no money and can't figure out why. DW and I just shake our heads and use it as a teachable moment for our kids.

To their credit, FIL and SMIL have changed their will so that she only gets an 1/8 of the estate. Her other half goes to her grown daughter who is unfortunately just like her mom. I can't see this ending well. I just hope it's years from now before we have to deal with it!

To be honest, if you find that out about your husband, you really need a drink.

[ringer707]

Here is a funny story that is not exactly inheritance related.

My grandma died, and we were all helping my Grandpa clean out her stuff.  She was a huge clotheshorse.  She had certain jeans she loved, so she had 20 identical pairs.  She had 10 nearly identical black purses.  Etc.  Because, you know, Kohls was having a sale.  But she grew up SUPER poor, so we all understood why she was like that. 

My mom is going through the clothes, filling up like 20 bags with goodwill stuff, and she checks a pocket for some reason, and discovers 100$.  And then later she finds another few hundred.  And so at this point, we unpack all the bags and check all the pockets in clothes and purses in case there is more.

We found over 10,000$.

My grandpa had no clue any of it existed.  From what we could figure out, whenever she had a little extra cash, either from the budget or from selling Mary Kay, or from a holiday, she would stash it.  I am sure it started when she was a young, poor housewife, from a dysfunctional family who would not have helped her if she needed it, and this was her emergency stash.  But by the time she died, she and my grandpa were worth millions thanks to judicious saving and living frugally. 

We used the money to hold a kick ass memorial reception, which she would have loved.

Holy crap! That's incredible!

My mom has a similar, but not quite as badass story, about my great-grandmother. Great-grandma was born in 1904, married young, had grandpa, and divorced her alcoholic husband in 1926 (go, great-grandma!). She was a single mom raising grandpa through the prime-time of the Great Depression, so I can only imagine how tough it was on her. As many of her generation did, throughout the rest of her life she never again trusted the stock market, or most banks, and only took out U.S. Savings Bonds as her means of saving. As she got older and needed to be moved into a retirement home, she called my mom and instructed her to go into her house and remove the center leaf of her dining room table. My mom found what turned out to be approximately $15,000 worth of U.S. Savings Bonds in that table.

[mtn]

Here is a funny story that is not exactly inheritance related.

My grandma died, and we were all helping my Grandpa clean out her stuff.  She was a huge clotheshorse.  She had certain jeans she loved, so she had 20 identical pairs.  She had 10 nearly identical black purses.  Etc.  Because, you know, Kohls was having a sale.  But she grew up SUPER poor, so we all understood why she was like that. 

My mom is going through the clothes, filling up like 20 bags with goodwill stuff, and she checks a pocket for some reason, and discovers 100$.  And then later she finds another few hundred.  And so at this point, we unpack all the bags and check all the pockets in clothes and purses in case there is more.

We found over 10,000$.

My grandpa had no clue any of it existed.  From what we could figure out, whenever she had a little extra cash, either from the budget or from selling Mary Kay, or from a holiday, she would stash it.  I am sure it started when she was a young, poor housewife, from a dysfunctional family who would not have helped her if she needed it, and this was her emergency stash.  But by the time she died, she and my grandpa were worth millions thanks to judicious saving and living frugally. 

We used the money to hold a kick ass memorial reception, which she would have loved.

Holy crap! That's incredible!

My mom has a similar, but not quite as badass story, about my great-grandmother. Great-grandma was born in 1904, married young, had grandpa, and divorced her alcoholic husband in 1926 (go, great-grandma!). She was a single mom raising grandpa through the prime-time of the Great Depression, so I can only imagine how tough it was on her. As many of her generation did, throughout the rest of her life she never again trusted the stock market, or most banks, and only took out U.S. Savings Bonds as her means of saving. As she got older and needed to be moved into a retirement home, she called my mom and instructed her to go into her house and remove the center leaf of her dining room table. My mom found what turned out to be approximately $15,000 worth of U.S. Savings Bonds in that table.

We had to take my great aunt's house apart to find a stack of savings bonds worth over $100,000. She knew she put them somewhere safe, but couldn't remember where (small nook in the 2nd bedroom closet).

[Spork]

Here is a funny story that is not exactly inheritance related.

My grandma died, and we were all helping my Grandpa clean out her stuff.  She was a huge clotheshorse.  She had certain jeans she loved, so she had 20 identical pairs.  She had 10 nearly identical black purses.  Etc.  Because, you know, Kohls was having a sale.  But she grew up SUPER poor, so we all understood why she was like that. 

My mom is going through the clothes, filling up like 20 bags with goodwill stuff, and she checks a pocket for some reason, and discovers 100$.  And then later she finds another few hundred.  And so at this point, we unpack all the bags and check all the pockets in clothes and purses in case there is more.

We found over 10,000$.

My grandpa had no clue any of it existed.  From what we could figure out, whenever she had a little extra cash, either from the budget or from selling Mary Kay, or from a holiday, she would stash it.  I am sure it started when she was a young, poor housewife, from a dysfunctional family who would not have helped her if she needed it, and this was her emergency stash.  But by the time she died, she and my grandpa were worth millions thanks to judicious saving and living frugally. 

We used the money to hold a kick ass memorial reception, which she would have loved.

Holy crap! That's incredible!

My mom has a similar, but not quite as badass story, about my great-grandmother. Great-grandma was born in 1904, married young, had grandpa, and divorced her alcoholic husband in 1926 (go, great-grandma!). She was a single mom raising grandpa through the prime-time of the Great Depression, so I can only imagine how tough it was on her. As many of her generation did, throughout the rest of her life she never again trusted the stock market, or most banks, and only took out U.S. Savings Bonds as her means of saving. As she got older and needed to be moved into a retirement home, she called my mom and instructed her to go into her house and remove the center leaf of her dining room table. My mom found what turned out to be approximately $15,000 worth of U.S. Savings Bonds in that table.

We had to take my great aunt's house apart to find a stack of savings bonds worth over $100,000. She knew she put them somewhere safe, but couldn't remember where (small nook in the 2nd bedroom closet).

I would not be surprised to find this at my parents' house.  Mom had Alzheimer's.  The last few years she was home she was both increasingly paranoid (someone's going to steal my money!) and incredibly forgetful.  She had a habit of hiding money, forgetting where she hid it and then demanding it was stolen.  Assuming no one has found it (and actually stolen it) ... I bet there are a few thousand scattered here and there through the house.

[Kitsune]

Here is a funny story that is not exactly inheritance related.

My grandma died, and we were all helping my Grandpa clean out her stuff.  She was a huge clotheshorse.  She had certain jeans she loved, so she had 20 identical pairs.  She had 10 nearly identical black purses.  Etc.  Because, you know, Kohls was having a sale.  But she grew up SUPER poor, so we all understood why she was like that. 

My mom is going through the clothes, filling up like 20 bags with goodwill stuff, and she checks a pocket for some reason, and discovers 100$.  And then later she finds another few hundred.  And so at this point, we unpack all the bags and check all the pockets in clothes and purses in case there is more.

We found over 10,000$.

My grandpa had no clue any of it existed.  From what we could figure out, whenever she had a little extra cash, either from the budget or from selling Mary Kay, or from a holiday, she would stash it.  I am sure it started when she was a young, poor housewife, from a dysfunctional family who would not have helped her if she needed it, and this was her emergency stash.  But by the time she died, she and my grandpa were worth millions thanks to judicious saving and living frugally. 

We used the money to hold a kick ass memorial reception, which she would have loved.

Holy crap! That's incredible!

My mom has a similar, but not quite as badass story, about my great-grandmother. Great-grandma was born in 1904, married young, had grandpa, and divorced her alcoholic husband in 1926 (go, great-grandma!). She was a single mom raising grandpa through the prime-time of the Great Depression, so I can only imagine how tough it was on her. As many of her generation did, throughout the rest of her life she never again trusted the stock market, or most banks, and only took out U.S. Savings Bonds as her means of saving. As she got older and needed to be moved into a retirement home, she called my mom and instructed her to go into her house and remove the center leaf of her dining room table. My mom found what turned out to be approximately $15,000 worth of U.S. Savings Bonds in that table.

We had to take my great aunt's house apart to find a stack of savings bonds worth over $100,000. She knew she put them somewhere safe, but couldn't remember where (small nook in the 2nd bedroom closet).

I would not be surprised to find this at my parents' house.  Mom had Alzheimer's.  The last few years she was home she was both increasingly paranoid (someone's going to steal my money!) and incredibly forgetful.  She had a habit of hiding money, forgetting where she hid it and then demanding it was stolen.  Assuming no one has found it (and actually stolen it) ... I bet there are a few thousand scattered here and there through the house.

Yeah, my grandma did the same thing. Except she had 'usual' hiding places, and so 30K disappeared from her accounts in 1K chunks, mysteriously around the time he renovated his kitchen.

Families.

[Paul der Krake]

It is not uncommon for people who remember the Great Depression to bury things in their yard. There has to be millions of dollars of long forgotten wealth lying just a foot or two under the ground.

[Nederstash]

It is not uncommon for people who remember the Great Depression to bury things in their yard. There has to be millions of dollars of long forgotten wealth lying just a foot or two under the ground.

Is the 'Side hustles 2016' thread opened yet? Because I just got a great idea...

[zinethstache]

Here's a quick pre-inheritance story that is quite "fresh". We were shopping for a truck to tow our already purchased new home (downsizing from 2200sf on 1/2 acre to 350sf, no land)

DH test drove a 2012 1 ton diesel dually. His father called me that day to offer this. Hey you know how I feel about used cars and always buy new? Well were thinking of giving XXX (DH's younger not very well off financially sister) 25k so she can get a different home (they are barely break even on their current one) and the wife and I have agreed to give you guys 25k toward a new truck.

I did some research on that. If my budget is 25k, and I have that saved, DH's dad kicks in his 25k... right? We STILL cannot buy a new truck because they START at 65k... so there ya go. I don't believe in buying new vehicles... EVER. And it rankled me that this man would only gift us this money if we use it one particular way.

My response was an email explaining that a 25k contribution was not enough. That we don't agree with buying a new vehicle. If he wanted to make it fair, he should give us 25k toward a property. (we are selling our clown house to buy another rental and 25k would really help us out).

I am not surprised... I never heard back.

We bought that used truck for 25k the next day. I feel great about what we bought. Even if it needed 10k worth of work it would NEVER, EVER come close to what we would have paid for new, and it does a great job. It is also loaded with options so I bet it would be more like 75k new... ack!

[tomsang]

As an accountant, we have seen some iron clad wills contested until there were few assets left for the heirs. We have seen people fighting over the stupidest things, not because they had value or even sentimental value, just because they did not want the other heirs to have something.  Lots of drama in estates.  We cringe, when there is big dollars and a weak will or adversarial heirs.

With that being said.  My firm learned that a client passed away who had an estate of $50 million plus(1990 dollars).  A part that makes it unbelievable is this client almost died in an accident a few years prior and we and his attorney were pleading with him to get a will done.  This guy was going to live forever or something.  Very savvy businessman who used attorneys on a daily basis, yet he did not have a will.

Added to this was that he was recently remarried within 5 years of his death.  He was rich prior to marriage.  He brought in 2 young adult children and his new wife brought in two young adult children to their new family. They were probably all all minors upon marriage, and all adults or close to being an adult upon death.  Young enough to be stupid, brash and entitled.

So we are told of the tragedy as follows:

Our client and his new wife are in the Bahamas or some amazing place on his 80 foot boat.  They are out jet skiing by themselves with no personal flotation devices.  He has a heart attack/stroke or something that is not good.  She jumps off of her jet ski to try to save him and keep his head above water.  They both die!

No will!  Who died first?  If her kids can prove that he died first.  Then all of his assets would go to her.  Then if she died 5 minutes later her kids could make a claim that all of his assets or most of his assets should go to them.  Who died first?

The partner in charge of this estate was rightfully very worried about how the estate was going to go.  Very complicated businesses to run, lots of money, heirs that may feel entitled or that the other potential heirs are not entitled, etc.

How did it go!  It went ridiculously well.  All of the kids decided to split the estate equally.  Minimal drama as they all worked really well to ensure that the businesses were run well.  I think both parents raised the kids well.  They knew that that their dad loved his new wife, that he loved his new step-kids, and that he would want them to all work well together.  The same could be said of his wife's kids.

After seeing/hearing people fighting over the silverware that is not listed in the will.  We had a family who was fairly rich, with a new wife, no will, young heirs who handled the estate with respect.

Lots of estate stories out there.  The moral of the story, don't have a will.  No!!     

[LPeters]

As an accountant, we have seen some iron clad wills contested until there were few assets left for the heirs. We have seen people fighting over the stupidest things, not because they had value or even sentimental value, just because they did not want the other heirs to have something.  Lots of drama in estates.  We cringe, when there is big dollars and a weak will or adversarial heirs.

With that being said.  My firm learned that a client passed away who had an estate of $50 million plus(1990 dollars).  A part that makes it unbelievable is this client almost died in an accident a few years prior and we and his attorney were pleading with him to get a will done.  This guy was going to live forever or something.  Very savvy businessman who used attorneys on a daily basis, yet he did not have a will.

Added to this was that he was recently remarried within 5 years of his death.  He was rich prior to marriage.  He brought in 2 young adult children and his new wife brought in two young adult children to their new family. They were probably all all minors upon marriage, and all adults or close to being an adult upon death.  Young enough to be stupid, brash and entitled.

So we are told of the tragedy as follows:

Our client and his new wife are in the Bahamas or some amazing place on his 80 foot boat.  They are out jet skiing by themselves with no personal flotation devices.  He has a heart attack/stroke or something that is not good.  She jumps off of her jet ski to try to save him and keep his head above water.  They both die!

No will!  Who died first?  If her kids can prove that he died first.  Then all of his assets would go to her.  Then if she died 5 minutes later her kids could make a claim that all of his assets or most of his assets should go to them.  Who died first?

The partner in charge of this estate was rightfully very worried about how the estate was going to go.  Very complicated businesses to run, lots of money, heirs that may feel entitled or that the other potential heirs are not entitled, etc.

How did it go!  It went ridiculously well.  All of the kids decided to split the estate equally.  Minimal drama as they all worked really well to ensure that the businesses were run well.  I think both parents raised the kids well.  They knew that that their dad loved his new wife, that he loved his new step-kids, and that he would want them to all work well together.  The same could be said of his wife's kids.

After seeing/hearing people fighting over the silverware that is not listed in the will.  We had a family who was fairly rich, with a new wife, no will, young heirs who handled the estate with respect.

Lots of estate stories out there.  The moral of the story, don't have a will.  No!!     

This may be the best story on this thread so far.

[ringer707]

As an accountant, we have seen some iron clad wills contested until there were few assets left for the heirs. We have seen people fighting over the stupidest things, not because they had value or even sentimental value, just because they did not want the other heirs to have something.  Lots of drama in estates.  We cringe, when there is big dollars and a weak will or adversarial heirs.

With that being said.  My firm learned that a client passed away who had an estate of $50 million plus(1990 dollars).  A part that makes it unbelievable is this client almost died in an accident a few years prior and we and his attorney were pleading with him to get a will done.  This guy was going to live forever or something.  Very savvy businessman who used attorneys on a daily basis, yet he did not have a will.

Added to this was that he was recently remarried within 5 years of his death.  He was rich prior to marriage.  He brought in 2 young adult children and his new wife brought in two young adult children to their new family. They were probably all all minors upon marriage, and all adults or close to being an adult upon death.  Young enough to be stupid, brash and entitled.

So we are told of the tragedy as follows:

Our client and his new wife are in the Bahamas or some amazing place on his 80 foot boat.  They are out jet skiing by themselves with no personal flotation devices.  He has a heart attack/stroke or something that is not good.  She jumps off of her jet ski to try to save him and keep his head above water.  They both die!

No will!  Who died first?  If her kids can prove that he died first.  Then all of his assets would go to her.  Then if she died 5 minutes later her kids could make a claim that all of his assets or most of his assets should go to them.  Who died first?

The partner in charge of this estate was rightfully very worried about how the estate was going to go.  Very complicated businesses to run, lots of money, heirs that may feel entitled or that the other potential heirs are not entitled, etc.

How did it go!  It went ridiculously well.  All of the kids decided to split the estate equally.  Minimal drama as they all worked really well to ensure that the businesses were run well.  I think both parents raised the kids well.  They knew that that their dad loved his new wife, that he loved his new step-kids, and that he would want them to all work well together.  The same could be said of his wife's kids.

After seeing/hearing people fighting over the silverware that is not listed in the will.  We had a family who was fairly rich, with a new wife, no will, young heirs who handled the estate with respect.

Lots of estate stories out there.  The moral of the story, don't have a will.  No!!     

I believe that there's a rule to the effect of if an heir dies within a certain amount of time after the deceased, they would not collect as they normally would under the will. Or perhaps it's only for intestate individuals? Any wills and estates attorneys on here, let me know if I'm remembering that correctly. I remember hearing something about it bar prep, but haven't done any wills and estates work. I thought it was something like if husband and wife both get in a car accident and husband dies, and then wife dies within 48 hours, wife's heirs would not inherit pursuant to his will.

Not that that's relevant to your story since it worked out well, but just food for thought!

[elaine amj]

Here is a funny story that is not exactly inheritance related.

My grandma died, and we were all helping my Grandpa clean out her stuff.  She was a huge clotheshorse.  She had certain jeans she loved, so she had 20 identical pairs.  She had 10 nearly identical black purses.  Etc.  Because, you know, Kohls was having a sale.  But she grew up SUPER poor, so we all understood why she was like that. 

My mom is going through the clothes, filling up like 20 bags with goodwill stuff, and she checks a pocket for some reason, and discovers 100$.  And then later she finds another few hundred.  And so at this point, we unpack all the bags and check all the pockets in clothes and purses in case there is more.

We found over 10,000$.

My grandpa had no clue any of it existed.  From what we could figure out, whenever she had a little extra cash, either from the budget or from selling Mary Kay, or from a holiday, she would stash it.  I am sure it started when she was a young, poor housewife, from a dysfunctional family who would not have helped her if she needed it, and this was her emergency stash.  But by the time she died, she and my grandpa were worth millions thanks to judicious saving and living frugally. 

We used the money to hold a kick ass memorial reception, which she would have loved.

Ha ha - DHs grandma was like that. My SIL went through all her clothes after she passed away at 96 and found lots of cash in various pockets. And also found some of my DD's baby clothes from when we were living with her. She used to stash away her favourite dresses and pull them out a year or three later (after DD had outgrown it of course!). It was too funny!! (Good thing all DD's gorgeous dresses were $1-$5 apiece from yard sales!)

[okits]

We're working through a "but X needs it more" situation at present, but with a slight twist. 

DW's parents are both still with us, but they're doing some estate planning and DW, being the financially stable sibling, has been included in the conversation.  My BIL is a walking financial disaster.  Good guy, but some poor career decisions, bankruptcy, divorce, and a tendency to spend on things because he "deserves" them have all taken their toll.  He and his young son have now moved back "home" with the in-laws.  He has an OK job, but is basically living paycheck to paycheck.  Anyway...  the in-laws have come to the conclusion that they have assisted BIL more than DW, and want to correct that going forward.  They are obsessed with making all financial things "even." 

Our argument to them is - BIL needs it more.  We don't need their money.  We're FI.  We have everything we want and need.  If the in-laws aren't going to spend the money on themselves, then they should give it to BIL.  If you don't give BIL enough money to correct his situation (set aside the debate as to whether or not he actually WOULD use it for that...) then his financial care falls on us when the in-laws are gone.  Despite our frustrations with some of BIL's decisions, we're not so cold hearted that we're going to allow a sibling and nephew to live in poverty.  We would prefer that my in-laws give him the money, and that way we're left out of it.  Unfortunately the in-laws see it differently, and care of my BIL and nephew is going to fall squarely on our shoulders after they pass.

If you'll be stuck looking after BIL and nephew no matter what, take however much your ILs want to give you to make things "even", then use that cash as bailout money when BIL/nephew need it.  As you observed, just because they receive enough to correct their situation doesn't mean the money will be used for that.  If the inheritance money gets doled out by you and DH you can at least be sure it's spent keeping them out of poverty, instead of six months of really awesome purchases he "deserves", then back at your door holding a hand out (which you'll be filling with your own hard-earned money.)

[SweetTPi]

And you all make me so glad that my family, for all it's faults, is made of mostly reasonable people.

The only drama that I know of after my Grandpa died was due to my Uncle, one of 4 kids, who was given an additional inheritance.  There were 2 policies, and he was sole benificiary for one, while the other was evenly split between all 4 kids.  The one protesting?  The uncle in question, as he thought it was unfair to the others.

Turns out my Grandpa had done it intentionally, and had informed the other 3 siblings at the time of doing the paperwork.  Uncle lived in the family home, which he had bought (all above board) from Grandpa, and had fixed it up, including converting part of the 1st floor into a bed/bath.  He took years off from having any kind of steady job to take care of Grandpa as his health and mind deteriorated (dementia, driven in part by health issues).  The other 'kids' were completely supportive of this action of Grandpa's, and insisted that Uncle take the money.

My brother and I have already started 'diving things up'- we've agreed that he gets picture X and I get painting Y.  That's pretty much it.  Forget any money- we want them to spend that on themselves.  My parents are amused by our antics.  When I was 22, they updated their will, and told me I was the executor.  As executor, I would have to create a trust for myself if I was under 25 due to some insurance/pension/tax reason (?).  And, as the executor creating the trust for myself, I was to name myself the trustee.  Thankfully, I will not have to deal with that.

[Primm]

I would not be surprised to find this at my parents' house.  Mom had Alzheimer's.  The last few years she was home she was both increasingly paranoid (someone's going to steal my money!) and incredibly forgetful.  She had a habit of hiding money, forgetting where she hid it and then demanding it was stolen.  Assuming no one has found it (and actually stolen it) ... I bet there are a few thousand scattered here and there through the house.

My ex-husband's grandfather was like this before we found nursing home care for him. He used to ring the police saying his car had been stolen, someone had taken all his money or equally interesting stories. Small country town where everyone knew everyone, so the cops would ring me and I'd have to go looking for the location of where he had driven the car and then forgotten, and walked home. Yes, I tried to get his licence and car taken off him, but the police, the rest of the family and his health carers all said "he will be lost without it". Until the day he drove it into an (empty) pram beside a cafe...

When he died his 3 daughters wanted everything split equally, so they spent quite a bit of time making sure that happened. Right down to the antique encyclopaedia set that used to take pride of place above the fireplace. "Beth gets A-H, Jean, you take I-O and I'll have the rest..." Not even joking.

[TheGrimSqueaker]

Mom and Daddy are still alive. But were they to get hit by a low flying flamingo tomorrow, my older brother and I would inherit everything equally. They only difference is that I get my share upfront, while his is put in a trust with me as the executor. I told Daddy that my brother wouldn't be the rock I carry around my neck for the rest of my life, and that I would be releasing his money to him asap. The less I have to do with my sibling, the better.

Daddy shrugged, told me he would dead so he wouldn't care, then told me not to be bitter. Then he went on an hour long diatribe about what a mess my brother is, and how Daddy cried over him. I'm not the bitter one.

Holy crap. Are you my clone?

The only difference between your situation and mine is that my particular messed-up sibling happens to be younger than me.

[Warlord1986]

Mom and Daddy are still alive. But were they to get hit by a low flying flamingo tomorrow, my older brother and I would inherit everything equally. They only difference is that I get my share upfront, while his is put in a trust with me as the executor. I told Daddy that my brother wouldn't be the rock I carry around my neck for the rest of my life, and that I would be releasing his money to him asap. The less I have to do with my sibling, the better.

Daddy shrugged, told me he would dead so he wouldn't care, then told me not to be bitter. Then he went on an hour long diatribe about what a mess my brother is, and how Daddy cried over him. I'm not the bitter one.

Holy crap. Are you my clone?

The only difference between your situation and mine is that my particular messed-up sibling happens to be younger than me.

My brother is almost 10 years older than me. He's a ne'er do well. I got horror stories. Last time I saw the guy I was 20, maybe 21. He told me I was ugly and fat. I'm 5'6" and at the time I weighed around 115. That was when I realized he was sick and I didn't need that negativity in my life.

[Spork]

I would not be surprised to find this at my parents' house.  Mom had Alzheimer's.  The last few years she was home she was both increasingly paranoid (someone's going to steal my money!) and incredibly forgetful.  She had a habit of hiding money, forgetting where she hid it and then demanding it was stolen.  Assuming no one has found it (and actually stolen it) ... I bet there are a few thousand scattered here and there through the house.

My ex-husband's grandfather was like this before we found nursing home care for him. He used to ring the police saying his car had been stolen, someone had taken all his money or equally interesting stories. Small country town where everyone knew everyone, so the cops would ring me and I'd have to go looking for the location of where he had driven the car and then forgotten, and walked home. Yes, I tried to get his licence and car taken off him, but the police, the rest of the family and his health carers all said "he will be lost without it". Until the day he drove it into an (empty) pram beside a cafe...

When he died his 3 daughters wanted everything split equally, so they spent quite a bit of time making sure that happened. Right down to the antique encyclopaedia set that used to take pride of place above the fireplace. "Beth gets A-H, Jean, you take I-O and I'll have the rest..." Not even joking.

Regarding the car...  We had the same problem.  It would come home with new dents on it every week.  I followed her once and she nearly had multiple collisions (one near collision would have been head on at 45 mph).  Hiding the keys did nothing.  She would always dig up some spare set. One day I took her car to an alarm shop in town and said "I'll give you $50 if you can put a hidden kill switch under the dash in about an hour."   Just adding a secret button you had to press to start the car pretty much fixed that.

[tomsang]

I believe that there's a rule to the effect of if an heir dies within a certain amount of time after the deceased, they would not collect as they normally would under the will. Or perhaps it's only for intestate individuals? Any wills and estates attorneys on here, let me know if I'm remembering that correctly. I remember hearing something about it bar prep, but haven't done any wills and estates work. I thought it was something like if husband and wife both get in a car accident and husband dies, and then wife dies within 48 hours, wife's heirs would not inherit pursuant to his will.

Not that that's relevant to your story since it worked out well, but just food for thought!

I don't deal with estates and I would think that would be the logical answer.  The concern, was that the kids and their attorneys had $50 million+ reasons to make an argument that they were entitled to more or the other kids were entitled to less.  Without a will, nothing was spelled out.  There most likely was a prenup as well just to make it more exciting.  I recall this estate, because of the size complexity and how diplomatic the kids were in resolving it in a manner that was fair to all.   

[Sibley]

We're working through a "but X needs it more" situation at present, but with a slight twist. 

DW's parents are both still with us, but they're doing some estate planning and DW, being the financially stable sibling, has been included in the conversation.  My BIL is a walking financial disaster.  Good guy, but some poor career decisions, bankruptcy, divorce, and a tendency to spend on things because he "deserves" them have all taken their toll.  He and his young son have now moved back "home" with the in-laws.  He has an OK job, but is basically living paycheck to paycheck.  Anyway...  the in-laws have come to the conclusion that they have assisted BIL more than DW, and want to correct that going forward.  They are obsessed with making all financial things "even." 

Our argument to them is - BIL needs it more.  We don't need their money.  We're FI.  We have everything we want and need.  If the in-laws aren't going to spend the money on themselves, then they should give it to BIL.  If you don't give BIL enough money to correct his situation (set aside the debate as to whether or not he actually WOULD use it for that...) then his financial care falls on us when the in-laws are gone.  Despite our frustrations with some of BIL's decisions, we're not so cold hearted that we're going to allow a sibling and nephew to live in poverty.  We would prefer that my in-laws give him the money, and that way we're left out of it.  Unfortunately the in-laws see it differently, and care of my BIL and nephew is going to fall squarely on our shoulders after they pass.

Racer, if you do get that money, perhaps set it aside to be used to help your brother? You can make that as formal or informal as you'd like.

[TheGrimSqueaker]

We're working through a "but X needs it more" situation at present, but with a slight twist. 

DW's parents are both still with us, but they're doing some estate planning and DW, being the financially stable sibling, has been included in the conversation.  My BIL is a walking financial disaster.  Good guy, but some poor career decisions, bankruptcy, divorce, and a tendency to spend on things because he "deserves" them have all taken their toll.  He and his young son have now moved back "home" with the in-laws.  He has an OK job, but is basically living paycheck to paycheck.  Anyway...  the in-laws have come to the conclusion that they have assisted BIL more than DW, and want to correct that going forward.  They are obsessed with making all financial things "even." 

Our argument to them is - BIL needs it more.  We don't need their money.  We're FI.  We have everything we want and need.  If the in-laws aren't going to spend the money on themselves, then they should give it to BIL.  If you don't give BIL enough money to correct his situation (set aside the debate as to whether or not he actually WOULD use it for that...) then his financial care falls on us when the in-laws are gone.  Despite our frustrations with some of BIL's decisions, we're not so cold hearted that we're going to allow a sibling and nephew to live in poverty.  We would prefer that my in-laws give him the money, and that way we're left out of it.  Unfortunately the in-laws see it differently, and care of my BIL and nephew is going to fall squarely on our shoulders after they pass.

Racer, if you do get that money, perhaps set it aside to be used to help your brother? You can make that as formal or informal as you'd like.

Best to find a way to dodge the long-term personal responsibility, and I'm not speaking solely as a skiver. It's true I'm a slightly lazy version of evil incarnate, but there's more to my position than just my instinctive non-donation of rodent tush.

When it comes to genuine need, I've seen siblings take on the responsibility for caring for a developmentally delayed or less able brother or sister after the parents pass away. It's a huge commitment, roughly on par with accepting caregiving responsibility for a sick or aging parent or spouse, and it becomes more physically difficult over time as the needy child becomes physically larger or (in some cases) more needy as his or her disease progresses, while the caregiver's strength declines with age. The arrangement can work out well if the person in need doesn't have the type of need that expands to consume, and then exceed, all available resources. Also, it's vital that the sibling accepting the caregiving duties has the skills and resources to care for that individual and still meet his or her other commitments to work, kids, etc. There are some families where people willingly scale back their other commitments in anticipation of caring for someone else long-term, but I've also seen it destroy marriages and eat up the childhoods of kids who don't get to be kids. Having a high-needs individual definitely loads up the lifeboat, makes the family more vulnerable in difficult times, and reduces the pool of available time, energy, or resources available for other things or people. That doesn't mean it isn't worth doing... it just has to be planned intelligently and not taken on lightly.

But that's not what I think Racer is talking about. I don't think what Racer is talking about is a situation of genuine need.

Racer's talking about a basically able-bodied adult of what appears to be normal intelligence, who has a higher "need" for money due to past lifestyle decisions, and whose need is very likely to continue because the pattern of lifestyle decisions shows no sign of changing. That's not sustainable no matter who he or she gets dumped on, because the "need" expands to consume all the available resources since the spender simply cannot or will not self-regulate. It's nearly impossible to manage someone like that when they've got a peer relationship with you. A trust company, at least, can turn off the tap without massive social consequences.

[Racer X]

We're working through a "but X needs it more" situation at present, but with a slight twist. 

DW's parents are both still with us, but they're doing some estate planning and DW, being the financially stable sibling, has been included in the conversation.  My BIL is a walking financial disaster.  Good guy, but some poor career decisions, bankruptcy, divorce, and a tendency to spend on things because he "deserves" them have all taken their toll.  He and his young son have now moved back "home" with the in-laws.  He has an OK job, but is basically living paycheck to paycheck.  Anyway...  the in-laws have come to the conclusion that they have assisted BIL more than DW, and want to correct that going forward.  They are obsessed with making all financial things "even." 

Our argument to them is - BIL needs it more.  We don't need their money.  We're FI.  We have everything we want and need.  If the in-laws aren't going to spend the money on themselves, then they should give it to BIL.  If you don't give BIL enough money to correct his situation (set aside the debate as to whether or not he actually WOULD use it for that...) then his financial care falls on us when the in-laws are gone.  Despite our frustrations with some of BIL's decisions, we're not so cold hearted that we're going to allow a sibling and nephew to live in poverty.  We would prefer that my in-laws give him the money, and that way we're left out of it.  Unfortunately the in-laws see it differently, and care of my BIL and nephew is going to fall squarely on our shoulders after they pass.

Racer, if you do get that money, perhaps set it aside to be used to help your brother? You can make that as formal or informal as you'd like.

Yeah.  We'll spoil the crap out of our nephew, I'm sure.  I didn't work hard for FI not to be the cool uncle.  I don't know where DW is going to land on helping her brother, however.  Some days you really feel sorry for the guy.  Others you hear him complain about not having any money despite having lived at "home" (at the age of 43!) for 10 of the past 12 years, and having just purchased a brand new 4x4 truck.  I mean, to not having any savings after that?  I'd have to consciously TRY to waste that much money.  What's become sort of the ultimate irony, is that every time we go to visit, he gives ME old hand me down clothes and tools.  So I'm walking around all FI in my broke-ass BIL's hand me down sweatshirts.  It's a crazy world.

[iris lily]

Just a note onl the "who dies first" thng and wills:

I was talking about this issue to my sister in law who works for the medical examiner in her county. She said that, in a situation of multiple deaths in a car accident "the person I walk up to first, died first" and thats that.

I guess the lesson here is that IF time of death matters, you might want to challenge your local authorities' decisions.

[Apples]

Regarding Economic Outpatient Care, I can see how it develops.

I have a kid with ASD and a neurotypical kid.  We are already spending more resources on the ASD kid (private therapy lessons, etc) because he needs it more.  Life will probably be harder for him as an adult because he lacks certain skills that DD has.  At some point he will hopefully stand on his own two feet and manage his own life, but I can see how after 20 years of helping him along, it will be hard to transition to letting him navigate life on his own.

I see it mirrored somewhat in my H and his sister.  His sister had/has ADHD as a child, and they tried medicating her but it did not work.  As a child she got some special treatment because school was a lot harder for her.  This is somewhat justified (see above comments about spending more on my own son) but MIL never transitioned to expecting more from SIL.  And now at age 38, if MIL suddenly yanked all support, it would be a disaster, because she never let SIL fail while the stakes were lower. 

MIL tried to pull the "you have to help SIL out once I am gone" on H, and he shut it down quick by telling her he would be ahppy to help her set up a trust for SIL.  That is not what MIL meant, lol, so she dropped it.  SIL is inheriting a considerably more valuable house than us (most of MIL's assets are houses that she rents out) because she "needs it more".  Consensus is that she will not be able to pay the property taxes on the expensive house- once again MIL is doing her no favors by "helping" her.  I don't care that SIL will get more*, I just hate that it will all be wasted.  Oh well.

*most of the time I don't care.  Sometimes I get really pissed on DH's behalf that his mother gives SIL 90% of her time and 60-70% of her resources.

Regarding your kids:  My aunt and uncle have 3 autistic sons who now are in their 20's and all live in different forms of supervised housing situations.  In in a group setting, one right down the road from them (so they check over all the time) and one still in a school/training place.  It really depends where on the spectrum they fall, but I think the critical time for transition is the early 20's.  There's a lot of programs and centers out there to help transition people to semi-independent living, which then helps the parents transition to expecting a bit more out of their kids.  However, they don't have any neurotypical kids so there's no worries about things being "fair".  If it helps, my dad always told us growing up that "fair and even aren't always the same thing".  This usually applied to one of us getting a bigger cookie than the other, etc...but it also applied to them paying for college but it being different amounts depending on where we attended.

[Kaspian]

Here's my drama--played out over the last few months.

When my grandfather died about 5 years ago, he left verbal instructions with my mother to shell out $160K of his money to the grandkids ($40K each for 4 of us.)  Well, my sister and I are fine but my two brother are financial dolts so instead of giving us the money my mom wrote these instructions into her will.  But then she proceeded to hand some of it out--$34K for renovations for brother #3's house, $40K worth of grandpa's real estate for sister, about $2K a month to brother #2 who lives in a big city and him and wife can't support themselves.  Me?  Nothing.  (Too independent apparently.)

My mom passed away in December and there staring my dad in the face of her will is this legal instruction to shell out $160K of their money to the four of us on her passing.  Well, holy shitballs--there's no money left in the account!  I was just generally disgusted that it wasn't given to us in the first place.  In order to get the will properly out of probate, dad had to settle with everyone.  He had to get my big city leech brother to sign saying he got his, sister to sign she'd gotten the properly in lieu, and renovation brother to sign that he'd gotten $34K.  He then took out a line of credit to pay off me and the rest to the one brother.  I was miserable about the whole thing--I didn't want "his" money.

So:  Never will specific amounts to other people when you're married and your account doesn't have the money upon your death.

[RetiredAt63]

A lot of that mess is her estate lawyer's fault.  When I did my will my lawyer told me to put NOTHING in dollar values, have it all as percentages.  I figured out dollar values for certain charities and converted that to % of my net worth, and that is what went into the will.  He advised that I do that for exactly this reason - specific values are dangerous.

I admire your father, he is very honest and upright, following your mother's wishes so well.

Here's my drama--played out over the last few months.
So:  Never will specific amounts to other people when you're married and your account doesn't have the money upon your death.

[Megma]

Here is a funny story that is not exactly inheritance related.

My grandma died, and we were all helping my Grandpa clean out her stuff.  She was a huge clotheshorse.  She had certain jeans she loved, so she had 20 identical pairs.  She had 10 nearly identical black purses.  Etc.  Because, you know, Kohls was having a sale.  But she grew up SUPER poor, so we all understood why she was like that. 

My mom is going through the clothes, filling up like 20 bags with goodwill stuff, and she checks a pocket for some reason, and discovers 100$.  And then later she finds another few hundred.  And so at this point, we unpack all the bags and check all the pockets in clothes and purses in case there is more.

We found over 10,000$.

My grandpa had no clue any of it existed.  From what we could figure out, whenever she had a little extra cash, either from the budget or from selling Mary Kay, or from a holiday, she would stash it.  I am sure it started when she was a young, poor housewife, from a dysfunctional family who would not have helped her if she needed it, and this was her emergency stash.  But by the time she died, she and my grandpa were worth millions thanks to judicious saving and living frugally. 

We used the money to hold a kick ass memorial reception, which she would have loved.

I love how you used the money!

We had a similar situation...

After my grandma had stroke, all of her jewelry suddenly went missing including her wedding ring. She had lots of nice jewelry too. We had no idea if it was taken or she'd hidden it or what but lots of nurses and therapists had been in the house as she was getting in home care, plus grandpa had done some renovations, so lots of strangers around. And grandma couldn't really talk after her stroke...

Afte months of having no idea what happened to all of her jewelry, one day grandpa pulled a blanket out of the bedroom closet and all of her jewelry came flying out from the folds of the blanket. Grandma was apparently nervous someone would try to steal it. Oh grandma. 😀

[LeRainDrop]

Here is a funny story that is not exactly inheritance related.

My grandma died, and we were all helping my Grandpa clean out her stuff.  She was a huge clotheshorse.  She had certain jeans she loved, so she had 20 identical pairs.  She had 10 nearly identical black purses.  Etc.  Because, you know, Kohls was having a sale.  But she grew up SUPER poor, so we all understood why she was like that. 

My mom is going through the clothes, filling up like 20 bags with goodwill stuff, and she checks a pocket for some reason, and discovers 100$.  And then later she finds another few hundred.  And so at this point, we unpack all the bags and check all the pockets in clothes and purses in case there is more.

We found over 10,000$.

My grandpa had no clue any of it existed.  From what we could figure out, whenever she had a little extra cash, either from the budget or from selling Mary Kay, or from a holiday, she would stash it.  I am sure it started when she was a young, poor housewife, from a dysfunctional family who would not have helped her if she needed it, and this was her emergency stash.  But by the time she died, she and my grandpa were worth millions thanks to judicious saving and living frugally. 

We used the money to hold a kick ass memorial reception, which she would have loved.

I love how you used the money!

We had a similar situation...

After my grandma had stroke, all of her jewelry suddenly went missing including her wedding ring. She had lots of nice jewelry too. We had no idea if it was taken or she'd hidden it or what but lots of nurses and therapists had been in the house as she was getting in home care, plus grandpa had done some renovations, so lots of strangers around. And grandma couldn't really talk after her stroke...

Afte months of having no idea what happened to all of her jewelry, one day grandpa pulled a blanket out of the bedroom closet and all of her jewelry came flying out from the folds of the blanket. Grandma was apparently nervous someone would try to steal it. Oh grandma. 😀

LOL!  Both of these are great stories.  They make me so happy!

[okits]

He then took out a line of credit to pay off me and the rest to the one brother. 

What a mess.  Will he take back the $40k to pay off the LOC, now that everything in the will is settled?  He might protest if you offer it as a gift but you could always tell him to leave it to you in his own will (if his estate has it; at least by then he'll have no use for it) or call it a loan (whether you charge interest or ever collect on it - meh.)  Will a bank accept a payment on a LOC if the payment isn't made by the debt holder?

At least there was no nasty family fighting (that you mentioned), but it's awful your father lost his wife and simultaneously needed to cough up almost $50k that he didn't just have lying around (and now has interest expense he has to pay.)

[franklin w. dixon]

We were at a small family party last week, or two weeks ago, I think there were only 7 cousins there, and we were talking about how weird it was that a lot of folks we know don't hang out and have fun with their families. Then my cousin had the point: We were the weird ones.

The other day my wife was like oh it's so good of you that you don't mind if my mom stays with us, all my friends can't stand their in-laws and could never live together, and I was like, ah, but how annoying are they? And she said "oh that's a good point."

[mm1970]

The thing I don't understand is how parents can be so obtuse with these things.  Can they not see the emotional damage they are wreaking?  I love what my mom and stepfather have done:  with my mom's two and my stepfather's three kids, they have said that they plan to split everything 5 ways.  Plain and simple.  If one goes before the other, I guess that could potentially change, but given who they are, how they live, and how generous and kind they are, I doubt it.  And if so, so what?  We are all grown ups and don't "deserve" anything.

I think most people do, but they rationalise it away as one son being emotionally hurt as a lesser evil than their other son actually starving/becoming homeless in retirement.  Even when the starvation/homelessness/whatever is entirely self-inflicted.

In the Millionaire Next Door books the author talks about how wealthy parents can inadvertantly 'weaken' one child with what he called 'economic outpatient care'.  EOC involved subsidising the child's lifestyle and perversely rewarding their bad behaviour.

This is it right here.  People are irrational, but want to sound rational.

My mom was the same way.  You know, I have an older sis and a younger brother. We chose different paths.  We are a blue collar family.  Sister got a job out of HS for an insurance company, and is the office  manager.  Her husband was in manual labor.  Her son is a diesel truck mechanic (he's early 20s).

My brother spent a few years in the Air Force out of HS, then worked at the same manual labor job as my BIL, then drove trucks for awhile (went to school for free but didn't like the company that paid for it, quit, and had to pay them back).  Now he's a prison guard.  His wife has a degree, sold cell phones for 20 years, and now works at a bank.

I went to college on ROTC scholarship (mostly) and am an engineer.  First in the family to go to college out of HS.

Mom/ step-dad's will splits everything 3 ways.  Mom never had much money after the divorce, but step-dad is frugal and is worth about $0.5M, a lot in my dinky home town.  He also has SS and a pension.  (Mom died 4 years ago.)

However, there has been a lot of economic outpatient care.  For my sister, it's emergencies only, and only once or twice.  They bought a mobile home, put it on land given to them as a wedding gift, and paid it off in 11 years.  For my brother, well, they like to spend money.  SIL spends on clothing and toys for the girls.  A LOT of them.  She was driving 20k miles a year to work and to shop, easily. She ate out constantly.  And don't get me started on the 9 cars in 5 years (mostly used, but still).  My mother was guilted (you know, the divorce and all, she abandoned her baby...he was 14) into paying for all these "things" they couldn't afford.  (My SIL was making $65k per year and the mortgage payment was $500 a month).

My mom had a home equity loan that my brother used.  Then my niece needed braces.  Guess who paid for that.  When brother asked for $5000 for central air, mom laughed and said "if I had money for central air I'd put it in my own house!"

Now that mom is gone, step dad is mostly ignored by that family, unless they need emergency babysitting.  Nevermind bringing him dinner (he has had many surgeries).  Or saying hi.  Just "here are the girls" and half the time they don't feed them before they get dropped off.  My sister and her husband do a lot for him.  I'm 3000 miles away.

For awhile, my mom would write me a check if she gave money to the others.  She really wanted to be "fair", even if it wasn't "fair".  She once bragged about how she gave everyone the same amount of money for their weddings.  I said "mom, seriously, you paid for my sister and my brother's hotel room at my wedding.  That is NOT paying for my wedding!"  I didn't care, but she rationalized it all the same.

Thing is, it REALLY bothered my sister.  A lot.  My sister and her hubby probably made $60k combined.  My brother and his wife were probably at $90k for awhile, though they are probably a bit higher now.  We make at least 2x that and I DON'T CARE. I don't need the money.  Sis was especially upset that my mom started college funds for all 3 grandchildren...but not my kid.  Because "you don't need it".

My step-dad definitely prefers to be more fair.  And I tell him I don't care.  In fact, I tell him to spend it!

Sorry that was long, but people WANT to be fair and rational, so they tell themselves many things...

[Kaspian]

He then took out a line of credit to pay off me and the rest to the one brother. 

What a mess.  Will he take back the $40k to pay off the LOC, now that everything in the will is settled?  He might protest if you offer it as a gift but you could always tell him to leave it to you in his own will (if his estate has it; at least by then he'll have no use for it) or call it a loan (whether you charge interest or ever collect on it - meh.)  Will a bank accept a payment on a LOC if the payment isn't made by the debt holder?

At least there was no nasty family fighting (that you mentioned), but it's awful your father lost his wife and simultaneously needed to cough up almost $50k that he didn't just have lying around (and now has interest expense he has to pay.)

Yep, exactly what happened.  Rule here:  If you're supposed to give money to your kids from somebody else, do it!  Even if 2/4 of them are irresponsible.  Don't write a defined amount into your own will instead.  Ersh...

I can help out my dad if needed, but my sister said I should not give a huge chunk ever because he'll just give it to the two brothers when they start whining. 

[auntie_betty]

Posting mainly to follow but we have an odd situation.

OH's mum has always given EOC to his brother who's never amounted to much. Nothing as exciting as on here, just bad choices and lack of application. No odds to OH, but I've always been concerned over her enabling him - and OH being expected to continue when she's gone (not from the financial view but from the 'grow up and take responsibility' view (he's 54 btw).

MIL now 92, in early stages of dementia and BIL looking after her at home - and doing a good job of it. Her will (I've seen it) leaves house to BIL and money to OH. I've always felt home should be 50/50 - not because we want it but to stop BIL selling it and frittering (aka drinking/gambling/new hobby) it away. Which I suppose is making me an enabler as well. Could never had suggested this to MIL as she's always had a paranoid fear OH is after her money and doesn't see what she's done is wrong (e.g. She gave him money once as he had to take a week's unpaid leave to sort out his car insurance - seriously, wtf?). We've also found out recently that she has more money than we thought so I suppose if OH des continue the EOC at least he can do it with her money.

[merula]

e.g. She gave him money once as he had to take a week's unpaid leave to sort out his car insurance - seriously, wtf?

That sounds to me like code for "got a DUI ticket and had license revoked".

[TheGrimSqueaker]

MIL now 92, in early stages of dementia and BIL looking after her at home - and doing a good job of it. Her will (I've seen it) leaves house to BIL and money to OH.

That could put BIL on the short end of the stick, actually.

Caregiving for an adult with dementia is a brutal full-time job and it can drag on for years. Hopefully he is being compensated for it in a timely fashion instead of having to wait, so that he can take care of his own living and medical expenses. From what you've said he isn't the most financially responsible person, but the fact he's doing in-home caregiving means there's an enormous opportunity cost to him.

[Kaydedid]

Sort of an inheritance story, although the person wasn't gone yet.

My father was diagnosed with a terminal illness that left him unable to manage his affairs.  The state appointed a legal guardian for him.  My father owned quite a bit of land, which was the guardian sold to pay for his medical bills.  Most of it was sold for a good price, but she sold several parcels at below-market value to a man (call him Al) that, according to the town gossips, was sleeping with her to get what he could.

My father was an eccentric man, and a well-educated hoarder.  I spent several breaks sophomore year of college going through a some of his personal property, trying to salvage heirlooms etc.  Al comes by the second day I'm there, and tries to convince me to give him permission to search the premises, since 'he knew where my dad would hide the valuable stuff'.  I of course say no.  A few months later, I get a call from a neighbor that Al has been digging holes on my dad's property, looking for gold.  (My dad did have some precious metals, but they were all safe deposit boxes-he was also paranoid about thieves, perhaps because he knew Al?)  Every time I talk to anyone in the area, I hear another story about how Al has been seen around my dad's properties, breaking in and/or stealing things.

The clincher-my dad had almost nothing of value outside of his safe-deposit boxes.  He had more junk than you can imagine-he spent the last 10+ years of his life going to auctions 3-5x/week, never buying less than a pickup-truck load each time, since 'if you stay til the end, they pretty much give stuff away!'  He had multiple properties, some commercial, none of them maintained, where he hoarded this junk.  Everyone seemed very concerned about Al's thievery, but honestly, the thought that he was reducing the amount of crap to deal with was wonderful.

[SailorGirl]

A friend's mom passed away recently and I just got this story from her.

Friend had lived with her mom for about 25 years, mostly supporting Mom in exchange for help raising friend's daughter and general household stuff.  Mom got a small SS check that she contributed towards the household but otherwise had no money.  Mom's health had been declining over the last few years but she was diagnosed in December with pancreatic cancer.  Bro and sis hadn't spent any time (or money) taking care of Mom for the last ten years and friend didn't expect any help from them now. 

Friend spent whatever small amount of savings she had buying stuff for her mom that wasn't covered by medicare like a recliner to sleep in the living room because mom couldn't do stairs anymore and couldn't breathe while lying flat.  As Mom got sicker friend took a leave from work to take care of her (couldn't afford a caregiver).  Her daughter also came over every night and weekend to help. 

When it became clear that Mom had hours left to live, bro and sis show up.  Bro was actually helpful but sis - who owns four houses, each professionally decorated and landscaped and has a high-powered job - went through friend's house taking things she thought should be hers.  Sis was actually screaming at friend about stuff she couldn't find while mom lay in the living room in the hospital bed (from hospice) gasping for air.

I don't even understand how someone could do that...

[Sibley]

A friend's mom passed away recently and I just got this story from her.

Friend had lived with her mom for about 25 years, mostly supporting Mom in exchange for help raising friend's daughter and general household stuff.  Mom got a small SS check that she contributed towards the household but otherwise had no money.  Mom's health had been declining over the last few years but she was diagnosed in December with pancreatic cancer.  Bro and sis hadn't spent any time (or money) taking care of Mom for the last ten years and friend didn't expect any help from them now. 

Friend spent whatever small amount of savings she had buying stuff for her mom that wasn't covered by medicare like a recliner to sleep in the living room because mom couldn't do stairs anymore and couldn't breathe while lying flat.  As Mom got sicker friend took a leave from work to take care of her (couldn't afford a caregiver).  Her daughter also came over every night and weekend to help. 

When it became clear that Mom had hours left to live, bro and sis show up.  Bro was actually helpful but sis - who owns four houses, each professionally decorated and landscaped and has a high-powered job - went through friend's house taking things she thought should be hers.  Sis was actually screaming at friend about stuff she couldn't find while mom lay in the living room in the hospital bed (from hospice) gasping for air.

I don't even understand how someone could do that...

So, one sister was stealing items from the other sister's home? Sorry, but if my sister did that, she'd quickly find herself arrested.