It's been a little over a month since my last post. I don't know if things are getting better or not. I'm posting because it helps to write things out.
Here's what I've been up to:
1. My next therapy/counselling session is on Thursday (This will be the 11th one and has been weekly). I like my therapist and I believe he's quite smart and I've given him very good insight into my mind and how I'm thinking. But, there's a LOT of cover. I've got a lot of $hit that happened when I was young it seems. Nothing was "normal" about how I've lived life. This upcoming session will be dealing with issues I've uncovered about my teen years but will also focus around my relationship with my wife and my insecurities with the feelings of betrayal and hurt.
2. I've also got my 6th follow-up with my psychiatrist in a few weeks to determine the benefits of the medication as we increase the dosage (Seroquel now at 150mg). I also told my psychiatrist that I'd been experiencing a bit of "chest puffery" and general male peacocking. It's not often, but it's been happening. I told him I was looking to trade in my responsible, fuel efficient vehicle for a 2012 Audi R8. Brand new, it's a $250k super car. I could get this one for under $100k. He asked me some questions (would it affect your mortgage, kids education, etc) and I said "no." He asked how I earned my "millionaire status" and I said "saving every dollar at a time. No startups, no family business, nothing... Just earn a dollar, save a dollar." He told me to go buy the car if I wanted to that not everything needed to be analyzed or justified. He then pointed to the Rolex on his wrist and told me about his Mercedes CL550 (and told me why it was a dumb purchase).
3. The mindfulness workshop I'm taking is questionable at best. The instructor has a scratchy voice that feels forced when trying to speak. This is particularly challenging when trying to meditate. I'm not enjoying it. I'm very forward indicating to the teachers that my mind is bullying me. I don't have control over it anymore, it has control over me.
4. I've established that CBD oil does little to nothing. Lorazopram/Ativan seems to help when I'm overflowing with emotion.
5. I'm also taking an inner-critic workshop and going into the third week. It's better. I'm not sure if I suffer from "Inner critics" as opposed to powerful ruminating and feelings of loss.
6. Well into the recreation volleyball league I signed up for in the summer.
7. I'm reading "The Power of Now" but Eckhart Tolle. It is not an easy read...
<mind dump coming up>
And where I am now... I'm fighting loss of hope and feelings of despair.
Everything that was once my favourite thing is now a trigger into sadness. 80's and 90's music along with tv shows and movies of the time. Things I collected as a child that
I still have. Fond memories and family photo's hanging on the wall or by the fireplace. Most people look at old photos with fondness and happiness. Not me. I yearn for those days. And not because they were better necessarily, it's because they were full of life and zest. My rumination is getting worse it seems. It's like a dog on a bone and it quickly loosens its grip to bite down deeper and harder.
The rumination is all centred around youth that's drifting away, and more specifically, my wife's. Her innocent, sweet voice has changed. Her beautiful face is still beautiful, but I look at her and it seems that she's looking tired as she approaches 50. Her eyes aren't as vibrant as they once were. It's soul crushing when I'm looking at the sparkle that's fading away. That's the best way to describe it.
The entire thing feels like I'm mourning the loss of the person I love the most in this world. She's still here, but it's not the same "her" I fell in love with. I once thought it would be neat to move through the life changes with her. Now, it terrifies me. I've got my heels dug into the ground, not wanting to move forward. I see where this is going... I see the cliff at the end of the rock face...
And perhaps this is the anxiety or depression triggered by the supposed bipolar. Or maybe, this is what everyone deals with on a day-to-day basic but they've been fu$%ed by the world too many times and are just used to it.
This is the centre of my emotional instability. It's got nothing to do with wanting to relive my youth or pretend to be young again. Even the Audi R8 isn't about being young. Rather, it's about being the "big dog" in the school yard. About being seen. Something I feel I've rarely ever been; seen.
There's a song by The Crash Test Dummies called "Heart of Stone" that we heard when my wife and I went to a live concert in the summer. I'd never heard this particular song before. It's called "Heart and Stone." Video is at:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jKIiG3pgxVwI'm glad it was an outside venue and dark. I was a mess.
I know what it's like to lose people I care for and love. I suspect I deal with it the same way that many do. Grandparents and friends, pets, etc. I found out a friend from public school passed away a couple weeks ago from breast cancer. She had a 4 year old daughter. It's very sad and I feel for them. When we were younger, we went to camp together. These are all sad events. Even my grandmother's passing 2 years ago. We were very close but I was able to work through it with relative comfort.
Even imagining the passing my my mom to who'm I'm very close. It's very sad, but nothing holds a candle to my wife.
I told my doctor 6 months ago when this all started that "If there's 7.5 billion people on this planet, I'm in the top group of 1000 people capable of feeling the most emotion."
It's so intense and strong. I don't know if it's the bipolar and this is what hypomania can be like (as opposed to elated happiness) but I'll tell ya. H.O.L.Y. S.H.I.T. it's strong.
I feel like I'm mourning the loss of my sweet, vibrant girlfriend. It feels like only yesterday we were sitting with my parents in my livingroom when they forbid the relationship and we then broke up, got back together, broke up, got back together... Spent hours on the phone into the wee hours of the morning. Only able to talk. It was so tumultuous. Not only was I experiencing first love, but I was forcefully breaking away from childhood and growing up fast with the age difference. I was going off to school, living in a different city. I often wonder if we were allowed to have a normal relationship where we weren't trying to hide it if I'd be such a basket case and if I'd have had some an obscure set of feelings into adulthood? The emotions of "first love" are compounded with forbidden, out of reach, not allowed and lets throw in some general clinical mental mind fu*kery and I'm a basket case when my brain starts spinning out of control.
You could make a movie about us. It's Romeo and Juliet over decades but with an ending still waiting to be written.
And the crazy thing is that they say that the euphoric feeling of love fades over time. Not for me it's not. It's been intense and strong for a long time. It's almost getting too strong.
My mind feels broken. As I'm writing this, I'm sitting here in tears.
I do know that one quality I have through all of this is that I have courage. I was out for dinner with some college friends on the weekend. We were chatting and discussing about stuff and I opened up that I'd been going through some depression and anxiety challenges recently and I wasn't afraid of sharing some details. As it turns out, my good friend across the table who's very successful muscled up courage and holding back some tears indicated that he'd been dealing with depression on and off for 10 years. He thanked my for being open about it as it's not something he's told many people. I seem to be able to open people up who keep things bottled inside.
And even though this is a public forum but somewhat anonymous, I have no issues sharing as it's an extension of me. It's tricky to try to take emotions and communicate them through writing. I appreciate everyone's patience. I know many people won't be able to relate with what I'm going through, but there are some who will.
And there are points in time where I'm in the frame of mind where I totally don't recognize the person who wrote the above message. It's all very surreal... Time is totally mind f**king my brain.