It’s been a while since I last posted, but figured it was time for an update.
If I was a better writer, I would have made this shorter and more concise. It's very difficult to put complex emotion into simple words. I feel like what I've written below only begins to capture the sentiment of how I feel, but I'm trying.
What I write may contradict what I’ve written in the past, or it might not. My changing point of view reflects where I am today and what may be my various cognitive distortions.
Most importantly, my daughter is no longer harming herself. It’s been months since the last incident. After therapy, self-help, new coping strategies along with her awareness that self-harm is a poor coping technique (since all the teens are doing it today, she figured it was somewhat normal) along with just “better” day-to-day life with Covid pretty much behind us has led to a positive upswing. Will it occur again? I don’t know, but her habits are transforming in positive areas.
Here’s my own meandering thoughts where my head is at today.
I still stand true to my initial thread title. FIRE has triggered intense anxiety and depression and I think I understand more now than ever.
I was on the path to LEAN Fire by the age of 40. Never intended to quit work entirely, but always thought I could just get a part-time job. If I had enough money to pay for the basics of life, then the part-time job would fund the extra stuff I wanted.
I’m really, really struggling with the state of the world. 5 years ago, I was a very positive person. I looked at the best in people and I argued with my evangelical Christian friend that people naturally were good in their heart. I felt I was good in my heart. He argued that people were not, and needed the guidance of the bible to live a good life. This was such an odd concept to me. Surely, people know in their heart what’s the right course of action?
But now, I’m of the opposite opinion and now I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. I’ve taught my daughters to be kind and considerate, to play fair and take the high road. Don’t benefit from others misfortune and just be a good person. And they are. But after the past few years with politics, corruption, social media, Covid, the dealing with my own family challenges, I’m led to believe the the Universe has a different plan. It doesn’t care if you’re a good person or play by the rules. The game is to survive. And so the spirit/soul is at constant conflict with survival.
This is new and it shines a light on my current state. I don’t trust anyone anymore. If I’m at the doctors office, I don’t trust the health care system as I suspect it's not run by those who are the best at health care, it's those who have manipulated their way to the top to serve their own selfish purposes. If I’m speaking with a professional, in my mind I’m thinking that their only goal is to get money from me. And so on and so on.
My entire belief system has found focus. My brain has found it necessary to find belief that this is all an illusion. A simulation that’s more complex than our brains can actively comprehend. That our reality comes from our mind and not simply that we’re existing in a particular place and time. Biocentrism if you will. And with that in mind, I now wonder why my brain is creating such a struggled reality for myself?
In positive news, my relationship with my children continues to get stronger. No topics are off the table and we have very open conversations about sex, drugs, suicide, catfishing, ghosting, boys, girls, racism, LGBTQ++, sexism, the world, politics, friends… you name it. The conversations are natural and honest and not awkward at all. And they’re thoughtful, sincere, filled with laughter and honesty.
And I fear that society is going to take my wonderful, amazingly kind children and chew them up and spit them out. My oldest at 15 is propositioned daily to send nude pics online in exchange for crypto. This is the world she’s entering into. She just wants to chat with people, people just want pics of her nude. It’s relentless.
Anyways, despite the rest of the world being awful, I’m moving through teenage daughter teen years with grace, even with the setbacks.
My youngest daughter was talking about regrets the other day. I told her that it doesn’t make sense to have regrets because then we wouldn’t be where we are. But I also told her that while I don’t have regrets, I’m curious about particular versions of myself in another multiverse where certain things didn’t happen.
1. What if my parents remained together? Would I have more confidence and self-esteem?
2. What if I didn’t take myself so seriously and partied more? Would I have had more fun and have fun stories to tell or would I be dead like my best friend?
3. What if I didn’t marry their mother? Would I have had a family?
And so these conversations are age appropriate. I want my kids to know I’m not bullshitting them and even though I tell them not to have regrets, I can’t help but feel as though I’m living a pretty upsetting version of my own timeline.
And I watch their peer groups along with their parents. The parents who are aggressive and will push people down to get ahead have learned exactly that… How to push others down and get ahead. They’re learned how to lie, cheat and steal and yet continue to believe they’re the victims. Teaching their kids “take what you want however you can!” If you fail, here’s all the ways to manipulate the system, sleep well at night, and still be rich.
That feels wrong to me, but my observations are telling me it’s right for survival.
By contrast, my net worth is now over $2 million. That money has been accumulated over 20 years of saving. I didn’t build and sell a business. I didn’t buy a bunch of rentals and leverage with luck. I didn’t invest in Crypto in 2010. No, I saved a dollar at a time and didn’t buy nice cars, or luxury vacations or anything like that. I invested in high quality companies, was a responsible parent and followed my integrity and ethics. I didn’t screw anyone. Nobody.
I feel like I’m not even a human. Like my spirit is attached to the wrong species. I almost feel like my spirit belong in a race, on another planet that’s looking to better itself in the cosmos. Not this bullshit experience we call “human.”
2 weeks ago my daughter was hanging out with friends. When she came back, she was super happy. She was overjoyed. She said that “she felt like she belonged” which got me thinking… I’ve always felt like an outsider. A week ago, I was at an EDM 3 day music festival with 40,000 other people. Almost everyone was 10+ years younger than me but I felt like I belonged. There was an overwhelming sense of belonging to the moment. I’ve never felt that way before. It was just oddly a sense of spiritual belonging. But it was short lived. I got back home and immediately felt in the wrong place.
And a big part of my issue is that I have no tribe. I have friends, but they’re all separate, in separate places. And now after 43 years, I think… what’s wrong with me? Why do I belong, nowhere?
So on my quest to FIRE, the journey has left me feeling exhausted. This world over the past couple years has whittled me away to a shadow of who I was. Perhaps it’s a transformative period and I’ll come out stronger on the other side, but right now, I feel like I’m the wrong person in the wrong place, in the wrong time. The only thing that feels right is my kids.