Help! My boss just married our intern

[Chranstronaut]

Three months ago, my male boss hired a young woman as an intern to our group.  She interviewed for a job she wasn't qualified for.  My boss said he liked her enthusiasm and motivation. She is well educated in our field and really wanted a foot in the door of our "elite" industry, so he said he wanted to teach and mentor her.  We are not looking to hire someone for the job she is training, so that seemed a little weird.  Because we pay her a salary, we did not hire someone into the position she originally applied but was unqualified for, so my coworkers and I are covering the slack.

Two months ago, several coworkers saw my boss and the intern holding hands outside work at an industry function.  The news spread that they had a relationship, and a few people had already suspected it based on general behavior.

Two weeks ago my coworker told HR what he knew of their relationship and that he was being passed over for extra opportunities in favor of the intern.  HR let him know that they disclosed their relationship two months ago and there is no official company policy about work relations. They acknowledged my coworker’s concern, but admitted they weren't sure how to proceed as it had never come up before.

Five days ago, my boss, the intern and half a dozen others were on a business trip.  During the business trip, he announced that he and the intern were getting married.  He sent a message to those of us that weren’t on the business trip to let us know.  The people on the business trip had cake.

Yesterday was the day they were getting married and they are out of town until tomorrow.  This vacation time was scheduled a few weeks ago, so it wasn't quite spur of the moment... probably.

Yesterday, my boss's boss (allegedly, I was out of town and was not there) came in to tell the group that things are fine, our projects are on track and we should be happy for the couple.

Any HR reps out there want to share some perspective on this?  I already spoke to one of our company HR reps, but am looking to talk with them again next week.  I'm not sure I'm looking for a resolution, but I am pretty uncomfortable and unhappy.

[2Birds1Stone]

While this doesn't sound ethical by most standards it really depends on your organization.

Just be happy that he's getting his d!<k wet, might be easier to work for if he's chipper :)

For what it's worth in my company you cannot have a relationship with anyone in your direct line of reporting. From your journal it sounds like the intern reporting to a manager underneath "boss" is still a big no no.

[Sibley]

Wow. Um, wow. HR has seriously dropped the ball on this. Intern should not be reporting to him, bare minimum. People are being adversely affected by the relationship. None of this is good.

Askamanager.org may be of help to you actually. She had a post earlier this week or last week about this sort of thing. Good luck.

[tonysemail]

That really sucks.
standard advice - keep it professional.  ask for a change in policy. 
Unfortunately, I would expect blowback.
Documenting the events may prove useful.
But this is so seriously wrong that it hardly matters what your boss's boss thinks.

[Chranstronaut]

To clarify:
It is true that there is nothing in the employee handbook about this.  Zilch.  HR is looking to add something, but has no rules they have to follow currently.

HR is planning require her to answer to our middle manager instead of the big boss she married (half my group reports to " big boss", half my group reports to "middle manager").  Middle manager is a puppet.  I made it very clear that the new husband will still be in charge of her in any real capacity.  This was a problem in our group before the intern came.

Our work and skills set is very specific, so transferring to another group within the company is not likely a solution.  HR mentioned firing her was still a possibility.  HR did not mention removing the boss/husband as an option and I find it highly unlikely given the specific nature of what he do.  He essentially IS our group.

Her internship is one year, ending next March.  She is not a citizen of our country, which keeps things interesting.

[2Birds1Stone]

She is not a citizen of our country, which keeps things interesting.

Wouldn't marriage altar that potentially?

[Chranstronaut]

She is not a citizen of our country, which keeps things interesting.

Wouldn't marriage altar that potentially?

I don't know if it's relevant, but I find it interesting.  Their marriage would allow her to apply for a green card.  She has a work visa through our company currently.  We have many foreign nationals at the company, so that's not actually all that unusual.

[Cassie]

She can stay past her work visa since they are married. That might have added to the rush to gt married. Still unethical.

[pbkmaine]

Is being transferred a possibility for you? Could you ask to be transferred because the situation makes you uncomfortable? Or would this torpedo your career?

[Paul der Krake]

Before you say or do anything, wait a couple weeks and let HR do its thing first. There is no way they are going to let this stand.

The fact that she's foreign, or whatever reason led them to marry, is irrelevant.

[forummm]

Sounds like your HR sucks. Although, I've seen more upsetting things at just about every job I've ever had. Honestly, while the situation is stupid, I would just keep my head down, not let it get to me, and keep doing my job. When you let yourself get bothered by things it makes you feel worse, may hinder your career a bit (if you voice your concerns with coworkers, boss, etc), and is a big distraction. If things get bad enough, vote with your feet.

Wouldn't marriage altar that potentially?

I see what you did there.

[cats]

Wow, that is terrible. I don't have any good advice but I do hope HR will do something.  Sounds like there may not be many options if big boss is uniquely skilled as you say.

Any chance of big boss being close to retirement age?

I know it is not really a satisfying solution, but as it sounds like big boss is going nowhere, I would keep my head down, let HR do its thing (or not) for now, and start looking for a new job as you are being taken advantage of as things currently stand (by picking up extra work that the new hire should have taken on). Cross your fingers that karma will take care of them somehow.

[Choices]

I'm so sorry you're caught up in this.

Is this the first situation in which you feel your company has a lack of boundaries or ethics, or is this par for the course?
Do you otherwise like your job and the company?
What are your employment prospects outside the company?

I agree with others of waiting a bit to see how things will settle out, but if this is just one more in a long list of major issues, then you'll have to decide whether it's a place you want to be long-term.

[Noodle]

Well, if they just got married yesterday it's a little early to know what action the company or HR might take. These issues are not necessarily speedy in their resolution, especially if multiple people need to weigh in.

That said, you have gotten some free insight into your boss and organization, in a situation with relatively little impact on you other than aggravation. Your boss has no sense (I'm not judging his marital choices, but any adult in a managerial position should know better than to date within his reporting hierarchy) and your company wasn't very quick in forcing a resolution. This is valuable information to have in deciding your future with your employer.

[bobechs]

I think you should quit.  Immediately,

But try to string out actually leaving for as long as possible, for additional drama.

[Hall11235]

Sounds like your HR sucks. Although, I've seen more upsetting things at just about every job I've ever had. Honestly, while the situation is stupid, I would just keep my head down, not let it get to me, and keep doing my job. When you let yourself get bothered by things it makes you feel worse, may hinder your career a bit (if you voice your concerns with coworkers, boss, etc), and is a big distraction. If things get bad enough, vote with your feet.

Wouldn't marriage altar that potentially?

I see what you did there.

Glad I am  not the only one who saw that...

[Chranstronaut]

If things get bad enough, vote with your feet.

I laced up my job sneakers yesterday.

I think you should quit.  Immediately,

But try to string out actually leaving for as long as possible, for additional drama.

hehehe


They are out of town, returning tomorrow, so we will see.  I have so many other reasons to leave, this is just the most unexpected of final straws.

[Fishindude]

You could choose to just do your job and ignore the drama.

[Chranstronaut]

You could choose to just do your job and ignore the drama.

What am I gonna do with all this Fuck You money if I just let someone walk all over me?  My job has been negatively affected in two measurable, documented ways and I've discussed those with HR already.

[Chranstronaut]

The couple is back today.  No one has said anything about it and everyone is currently pretending nothing is different.  We have a meeting notice for tomorrow titled "Group Update."  Boss's boss is invited.  There is no meeting description.  No one has asked what it is about and the boss has not mentioned it in person.

[Choices]

The couple is back today.  No one has said anything about it and everyone is currently pretending nothing is different.  We have a meeting notice for tomorrow titled "Group Update."  Boss's boss is invited.  There is no meeting description.  No one has asked what it is about and the boss has not mentioned it in person.

Waiting with bated breath for tomorrow's update--maybe they're having twins!

[Papa bear]

HR is around to protect the company, not to help the employees out.  Nothing was against company policy, nothing was explicitly illegal, and it doesn't sound like there are any harassment issues.  You just have a shitty boss.  He plays favorites, which a lot of shitty bosses do. Deal with it as such. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[electriceagle]

Yesterday was the day they were getting married and they are out of town until tomorrow.  This vacation time was scheduled a few weeks ago, so it wasn't quite spur of the moment... probably.

They sound happy. Why not just let them enjoy their lives?

[totoro]

Meh.  Personally I'd be looking to improve the situation by showing support for the couple and asking for help with some tasks if needed, or leave if I was unhappy.  Seems like a lot of drama over "two documented ways your job has been impacted".  Great you've identified an inefficiency if that is what it is, now come up with a solution that works in the situation.  No work situation is perfect and this seems relatively minor and time limited to me given she is on a one-year internship.  If your boss is the company I doubt anything will be done, be silly to impact your key employee for what amounts to no breach of company policy and a very happy life event for him. 

[thd7t]

Yesterday was the day they were getting married and they are out of town until tomorrow.  This vacation time was scheduled a few weeks ago, so it wasn't quite spur of the moment... probably.

They sound happy. Why not just let them enjoy their lives?
[/quote>
OP mentioned that the rest of the group is picking up slack, because the new intern/bride can't do the job that is needed. This directly impacts the job and the company.

I have been in a similar situation, which spiralled way out of control. I advise that OP get out of there.
ETA: this is probably no longer a 1 year internship.

[Dicey]

Any sign that they might have known each other prior to the interview? If she is a foreign national that would explain the accelerated timeline...

Ooh, my thoughts exactly.

[cats]

Yesterday was the day they were getting married and they are out of town until tomorrow.  This vacation time was scheduled a few weeks ago, so it wasn't quite spur of the moment... probably.

They sound happy. Why not just let them enjoy their lives?

In my experience, it's very difficult for relationships that potentially cross ethical boundaries to exist without impacting other employees negatively.  Letting them "just enjoy their lives" invariably means "letting yourself be treated unfairly or unethically" in some way.  In this case, the OP is having to pick up extra work b/c her boss essentially created an unnecessary job for his now wife, instead of hiring a new necessary employee with relevant skills.

Is it worthwhile for the OP to kick up a huge stink with HR?  Probably not.  It sounds like there is no clear policy and the boss has enough leverage that he is unlikely to even get a slap on the wrist for his stupid behavior.  But that doesn't mean she needs to "be happy for them"--she needs to find herself a better job!

[totoro]

>the OP is having to pick up extra work

The work day is the work day.  Being expected to work more if you reasonably can within your day seems okay to me.  That is what work is, you put your time and effort into the tasks before you.  If this situation means additional hours of work because the tasks can no longer be accomplished in the work day, that should be discussed with HR.   Workload is a reasonable concern and one an employer needs to respond to when raised.  Obsessing about this situation creating a problem instead of finding a solution or leaving is not, imo, a reasonable approach.  If you are just needing a place to vent fine, but the attitude and approach to the situation is not productive or positive.

[BlueHouse]

Other than the open position not being filled and you and your co-workers picking up the slack, is there any other problem that you can spell out?  In your meeting, just ask when the open position will be filled. 

I've been on the other side of this....I dated the boss - for a long time.  Small company, so there was no way I was going to report to anybody other than the boss.  We never spoke about it, but I knew others knew or suspected and they resented it.  Why?  I was in a completely different field than any of the others and nothing about my job could ever threaten theirs.  My opinion was, however, valued more highly than some other people's opinions, but that's what drove the relationship...not the other way around.

Often times, people view work as their family and any change in the family dynamic is upsetting. 

My advice is to be 100% professional and even be supportive of their relationship.  Remember the saying about people always remembering how you made them FEEL?  whether this relationship lasts for the long-term or not, your boss will appreciate that you were kind, polite, and supportive when others weren't. 
And if the relationship ends, as is most likely, boss won't feel like an ass around you but he will want to avoid every other person who could potentially say "I told you so". 

[Chranstronaut]

But that doesn't mean she needs to "be happy for them"--she needs to find herself a better job!

YUP

Other than the open position not being filled and you and your co-workers picking up the slack, is there any other problem that you can spell out?

Yes, but I'm not going to post that much detail as long as I still work here.  I fantasize about a Cheddar Stacker style thread about ridiculous coworker behavior, but it's not funny yet and I'd like to leave the company before dishing it out.  We aren't the kind of place where you get your assignments, have a couple meetings and then go home at the end of the day.

[forummm]

Any sign that they might have known each other prior to the interview? If she is a foreign national that would explain the accelerated timeline...

Ooh, my thoughts exactly.

Just what position was she interviewing for?

[Chranstronaut]

Boss quit!  Boss quit!  Moving to another country!

[LeRainDrop]

Boss quit!  Boss quit!  Moving to another country!

Whoa!!!

HR did not mention removing the boss/husband as an option and I find it highly unlikely given the specific nature of what he do.  He essentially IS our group.

So, now what's gonna happen with your group?  I hope you find something new soon!

[hoping2retire35]

Boss quit!  Boss quit!  Moving to another country!

What! are you saying that because you want it to happen or it just did happen?

[thd7t]

Do you think that boss was "nudged"? This seems like HR and the company couldn't fire the boss, due to no policy being on the books, but the inappropriate nature of the hire/relationship still had to be confronted.

[2Birds1Stone]

What a crazy turn of events.

[snogirl]

wow! $h!t's get real!

[With This Herring]

Wow, what a twist!  *popcorn*

[Adventine]

Seriously?! The boss just up and left?

[Lunasol]

Oooh, so now with him and new intern bride leaving, are you still willing to quit?

[pbkmaine]

We need details!

[Another Reader]

Yes, it's true that this is disruptive and the favoritism is unpleasant.  If this is the worst thing you encounter in your career, be grateful.

It sounds to me that your boss is having an old-fashioned mid life crisis.  Maybe he is actually quite frugal and has saved up enough money to FIRE and will live his dream with the young wife in another country. 

In the end, it does not matter, and this is a tempest in the proverbial teapot.  The problem is resolving itself.  In your shoes, I would get over it and move on.

[caracarn]

Boss quit!  Boss quit!  Moving to another country!

That is hilarious!  Problem solved and an unforeseen plot twist!?  What a glorious Friday!

[forummm]

Wow! Good stuff like that never happened at any of my jobs.

[Chranstronaut]

It's not a drill, this is happening.  He has a more prestigious job offer which prompted the move.  I don't have many details, but based on timing mentioned in the meeting, I can safely figure that as soon as my boss accepted the new job offer last week, they got married (assuming so she can go with him).

Stay tuned friends...

[wepner]

Which country is she from? Which country are they going to?

This is the weirdest mix of a super romantic, adventurous fairy tale style love story and awful office politics favoritism etc. ever. We all definitely need more details.

[caracarn]

Which country is she from? Which country are they going to?

This is the weirdest mix of a super romantic, adventurous fairy tale style love story and awful office politics favoritism etc. ever. We all definitely need more details.

I'm failing to see the super romantic, adventurous fairy tale love story.  Frankly I was kind of creeped out as it is more likely the disgusting middle aged man chasing the barely legal intern.  We had a President like that.

Chras, just wondering (and I get you might not want to disclose) but given your location and other items you would not by chance work at the Glenn NASA facility in Cleveland?

[patchyfacialhair]

That escalated quickly.

[arebelspy]

This is a fun drama.  Hope him quitting is a positive thing.

Good luck!

[Zamboni]

Well, here is just one more anecdote confirming my "wait them out" theory of mostly ignoring what my boss is doing as a mechanism for keeping my job.

Glad things appear to be working out in this instance. It would be a shame to end up leaving a job over a "boss can't keep his dick in his pants" issue.