Bringing another child into the mix for my own selfish reasons (I want to be called mommy!) is just that: selfish. I have two kids. But I wanted to feel pregnancy. Give birth. See my face, my eyes, feel the skin of the babe of my making. With the man I waited for... chose... wanted to join with.
It's not to be.
And it's not the same.
As much as you say it is, it's not the same.
I know. I have wanted my entire life to have my own (biologically related) child, ever since I was one myself. I still do. My girlfriend does too. For all the reasons you stated here. Its just looking at the population, and at math, that makes me feel like, ethically, I can't do it. I had to admit to myself that my reasons for wanting it were, like you say, purely selfish, and it isn't worth the long term cost to humanity to me.
But I have also grown up around a lot of adopted kids, known families of adoption my whole life (largely because my mother is openly gay, and was active in gay parents networks where, for obvious reasons, there is a lot of adoption), and I do believe that, after that first time of pregnancy, birth, and newbornness, in the following 50 years or so, the difference disappears.
Again, as you say, I have to believe that, because that's the option I am leaving myself.
I think we are mostly on the same page! Families are built in different ways and +1 to all of those ways. And I never said you should have a baby if you aren't sure. I'm of the opposite approach, don't have a baby unless you are sure.
Well, I started with quoting something you wrote, but that wasn't really directed at you, there were 7 comments before yours that specifically said "have a baby now, before it's too late, even if you aren't ready" - which is really common advice, and endlessly agitating.
For example, what do you care about race? Sounds like nothing, but you would be pretty ignorant to think that people out there don't care that a white couple has a black baby or visa versa.
That's not ignorance. One shouldn't be having kids or not based on what the neighbors are going to think. I come from a multi-race household. I believe that the best possible way to combat racism is for everyone to inter-breed as much as possible. In as culturally diverse a country as this, I can't help but to suspect all non-mixed-race couples of being at least a little racist.
And to just "be okay" with how long it takes is pretty much impossible if you desperately want a child
yup, sorry, just be ok with it. I'm pretty sure accepting a lack of instant gratification is a basic rule of Mustachianism.
and are watching what seems like everyone around you...
But Billy's mom got him a puppy!!
Sorry, I don't mean to be snarky or flip, I just can't think of another concise way to say it.
I get what your getting at, I do - I have had this same discussion with my girlfriend, my mother, relatives, friends, people on the internet.
Basically, people have kids because they really really want them, and then they find intellectual justification (or, more often, just the justification of "I love my kids / they bring joy to my life"), after what was a purely emotional, even thoughtless, decision. Our instincts tell us to breed. Well, instincts can tell us to be violent too, or to act on sexual desire in the middle of the supermarket, but as a culture we have decided that in those cases, instinct is not enough reason to act on it.
My only reason for bringing this up is to clear up the misconception that adoption is cheap, easy and you can do it forever.
Granted. Having kids is never cheap or easy. And while you may not be able to adopt "forever", there isn't the same biological clock constraint that has so many people calling "Do it now! Damn the consequences,
breeding must be life's
top priority".
I didn't mean to imply adoption was easy. Just to remind everyone that it is a legitimate alternative way to experience parenthood.
