Author Topic: “We got married” card  (Read 5665 times)

lavagirl

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“We got married” card
« on: May 23, 2018, 10:29:27 AM »
I’m not sure what to make of this and I’ve never heard of anyone doing this, so I thought I’d ask you guys. A cousin got married in the courthouse and had a little get together for immediate family at a restaurant (saw this on Facebook).  We were not invited.  I got the mail yesterday and there’s a card with their family pictures on it saying they got married and the date it happened.  On the back, there is a quote about marriage and their handwritten address.  Why did they send this? Am I supposed to send them a gift? I would never do this and think it’s in poor taste.  Can someone please explain what’s going on??  Thanks!

mathlete

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #1 on: May 23, 2018, 10:32:01 AM »
This may seem like a radical interpretation, but just bear with me for a second here,

I think they wanted to tell you that they got married.

Petuniajo

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #2 on: May 23, 2018, 10:34:45 AM »
^What mathlete said.

When someone doesn't have a big "shebang" wedding, I think it is common to send out an announcement of their marriage along with their (sometimes new) address. No gifts expected.

ketchup

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #3 on: May 23, 2018, 10:35:20 AM »
This may seem like a radical interpretation, but just bear with me for a second here,

I think they wanted to tell you that they got married.
This seems to be the simplest answer.  You probably would have been invited had they thrown a big wedding, but they did that instead.

wordnerd

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #4 on: May 23, 2018, 10:38:45 AM »
It can also be a way to update friends and family on a name change for the bride (or groom!).

mathlete

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #5 on: May 23, 2018, 10:39:59 AM »
I do identify with your confusion though lavagirl. As someone who is completely uninterested in weddings and wedding etiquette, it's sometimes tough to know what things are supposed to mean, and whether or not they demand action. People get very particular about these things for some reason. ;)

VoteCthulu

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #6 on: May 23, 2018, 10:42:41 AM »
What's wrong with these people? Isn't simply changing your Facebook relationship status enough anymore? They have to go kill a tree just to tell you they got hitched? Talk about inconsiderate!

ketchup

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #7 on: May 23, 2018, 10:45:57 AM »
What's wrong with these people? Isn't simply changing your Facebook relationship status enough anymore? They have to go kill a tree just to tell you they got hitched? Talk about inconsiderate!
Not everyone has a Facebook account (or they're like me and check it twice a year and would never ever notice such a change).  Most people have mailboxes.

Bracken_Joy

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #8 on: May 23, 2018, 10:46:03 AM »
It can also be a way to update friends and family on a name change for the bride (or groom!).

Yep =)

I think it's like sending out a birth announcement. Less common now because of the interwebs, but a way to announce changes, update addresses, etc. I think some people send a congratulations card, but I don't think there's any gifting obligation.

Nicholas Carter

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #9 on: May 23, 2018, 11:32:20 AM »
So something I was informed of when I started planning my wedding is that the latest wedding industry scam the prevailing etiquette about wedding invitations is that after the wedding has already happened you send a wedding invitation to people who you know couldn't make it to the wedding/ you can't afford to invite to the wedding/ you secretly didn't want at the wedding as a way of saying "we wish you could have been at our wedding and we're thinking of you."

Awesomeness

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #10 on: May 23, 2018, 12:18:00 PM »
Please.  They want a gift.

ixtap

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #11 on: May 23, 2018, 12:20:05 PM »
So something I was informed of when I started planning my wedding is that the latest wedding industry scam the prevailing etiquette about wedding invitations is that after the wedding has already happened you send a wedding invitation to people who you know couldn't make it to the wedding/ you can't afford to invite to the wedding/ you secretly didn't want at the wedding as a way of saying "we wish you could have been at our wedding and we're thinking of you."

Etiquette isn't usually passive aggressive

CCCA

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #12 on: May 23, 2018, 12:26:21 PM »
While I understand the confusion about what to do (gift or no gift?), it seems weird that anyone would consider this to be in poor taste.  It's a note stating that they got married.  Are you mad because you didn't get invited to the event/party?

charis

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #13 on: May 23, 2018, 01:15:18 PM »
I don't know why people are reading so much into this.  It's not usual after an elopement (or quickie/small courthouse wedding, etc) to send out postcards announcing the marriage.  I suppose it's less necessary in the age of Facebook, but it's certainly a nice touch.

AZDude

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #14 on: May 23, 2018, 01:16:48 PM »
Ironic that this sort of "drama" is probably why the couple chose not to have the traditional wedding in the first place.

elliha

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #15 on: May 23, 2018, 01:48:14 PM »
I would see it as just announcing. If I had planned to give a gift to them I would send one, otherwise I would probably call and congratulate them and thank them for the picture.

I'm a red panda

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #16 on: May 23, 2018, 02:09:25 PM »
I don't typically send gifts for wedding announcements unless I'm close with the couple and know why I wasn't invited to the wedding. (Announcements only go to people who were not invited to the wedding)
So I don't see them as a gift grab.   

It's exactly what it seems like- an announcement. It's telling you something happened.   Same as a birth announcement, or a graduation announcement.
Kind of like updating facebook to say "We got married", except by snail mail.
Some people like to keep this sort of thing, often in a family bible or the like.

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/31/wedding-announcement_n_5064483.html
Quote
There’s no reason to worry about imposing on anyone by sending a wedding announcement, as there is no obligation whatsoever to send a gift when you receive one (that goes for any announcement for that matter, such as a birth or graduation announcement). Still, some people may send gifts simply because they are happy for you.

Jrr85

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #17 on: May 23, 2018, 02:16:18 PM »
This may seem like a radical interpretation, but just bear with me for a second here,

I think they wanted to tell you that they got married.

I can understand the confusion.  I think most people who send us graduation announcements or birth announcements quasi-expect a gift.  If I received that, I would have wondered whether they were fishing for gifts, even though notification of address and name change is a much more reasonable interpretation. 


I'm a red panda

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #18 on: May 23, 2018, 02:17:05 PM »
This may seem like a radical interpretation, but just bear with me for a second here,

I think they wanted to tell you that they got married.

I can understand the confusion.  I think most people who send us graduation announcements or birth announcements quasi-expect a gift.  If I received that, I would have wondered whether they were fishing for gifts, even though notification of address and name change is a much more reasonable interpretation.

Wow- I never expected a gift from my daughter's birth announcements. I sent over 150 of them. I think we got about 20 gifts (from Aunts and Uncles).

Jrr85

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #19 on: May 23, 2018, 04:02:39 PM »
This may seem like a radical interpretation, but just bear with me for a second here,

I think they wanted to tell you that they got married.

I can understand the confusion.  I think most people who send us graduation announcements or birth announcements quasi-expect a gift.  If I received that, I would have wondered whether they were fishing for gifts, even though notification of address and name change is a much more reasonable interpretation.

Wow- I never expected a gift from my daughter's birth announcements. I sent over 150 of them. I think we got about 20 gifts (from Aunts and Uncles).

We probably got more baby gifts than birth announcements we sent out.  Not sure if that's a reflection of the social circles we run in or if it's a regional thing. 

Of course that's somewhat why we feel obligated to give a gift.  Not so much because we think the person sending the announcer is fishing, but because it's very likely we've gotten a baby and/or wedding gift from them.   

englishteacheralex

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #20 on: May 23, 2018, 04:09:02 PM »
I can't resist. I am an inveterate reader of Miss Manners and Emily Post.

What you have described is called a wedding announcement. It is an old-fashioned but highly endearing custom of actually sending via the postal service an announcement that there was an important status change to the couple. As the previous commenters have stated, the custom of sending announcements is also appropriate for graduations and births.

The cynical reaction that people express about an announcement being a gift-grab is the tragic unintended consequence of seemingly every American occasion for celebration being mined for gifts by unscrupulous and greedy people. All the many, many gift-oriented showers and the drying up of good old fashioned hospitality (parties that actually are just thrown for the sake of getting together with friends and acquaintances, not for the sake of gifts) has led to suspicion and resentment whenever anyone has any sort of celebration.

Gift etiquette remains consistent: if you want to send a gift to celebrate the couple out of a spirit of magnanimity and generosity, and perhaps the happy coincidence of having "just the thing" that you know would be great for them, please do so. If no such gift idea or money is presenting itself, please do not (ever!) feel obligated to send one.

Whatever your decision regarding a gift may be, your only obligation is to congratulate the happy couple the next time you see them. The appropriate reaction is to feel honored that you have been specially informed of their status change. The announcement presumes that you are fortunate to have a relationship with them that would make it appropriate for you to receive the news in an intentional manner, instead of second-hand, through friends.

Rosy

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #21 on: May 23, 2018, 04:26:46 PM »
It's just a wedding announcement - with a new name and address to keep you in the loop. It is actually good manners to send a card. Just wish them happy:)

I don't know why people freak out at the idea of a gift, for heaven sakes. Send one if you want to - send nothing if you prefer. It certainly doesn't indicate a gift/cash grab if they didn't even inform you of their registry.

It's all good:)

lavagirl

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #22 on: May 23, 2018, 04:29:13 PM »
Well thanks everyone! I had never received a wedding announcement before and I didn’t know people did that.  I’m pretty antisocial so I also don’t “get it” lol. The couple have a history of being mooches and are currently getting monetary support from a few family members so that’s why I was suspicious that they were just trying to get a gift.  But thanks for helping me understand the situation.  We will likely send a card and check. 

Nicholas Carter

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #23 on: May 24, 2018, 06:23:24 AM »
So something I was informed of when I started planning my wedding is that the latest wedding industry scam the prevailing etiquette about wedding invitations is that after the wedding has already happened you send a wedding invitation to people who you know couldn't make it to the wedding/ you can't afford to invite to the wedding/ you secretly didn't want at the wedding as a way of saying "we wish you could have been at our wedding and we're thinking of you."
Sounds like bullshit. You send a wedding announcement ...
1) There is a difference between wedding announcement and wedding invitation? Like the actual pieces of printed paper, and not just what you write inside them? Because our wedding invitations are just our wedding announcements with a note inside telling people the address of the venue and inviting them to come. (The only people I'm sending announcements to are people who were invited informally and already said they can't travel to see us).
2) I was told this by the person trying to sell us professionally printed wedding invitations. You may have noticed that I myself called it bullshit in the OP.
Etiquette isn't usually passive aggressive
I have been hanging out with the wrong rich people clearly.

Linea_Norway

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #24 on: May 24, 2018, 06:29:46 AM »
I got married in the same way, with just a couple of relatives.
We sent out a "we got married" card with bridal picture to inform people, not expecting anyone to send us anything. We didn't put a handwritten address on it. I doubt whether any address was there at all.

I think it is wrong to expect a gift without inviting the person.

thd7t

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #25 on: May 24, 2018, 06:34:54 AM »
Anyone else just glad to hear that these kids had a reasonable wedding?  It sounds like an intimate celebration that didn't break the bank!

lavagirl

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #26 on: May 24, 2018, 06:42:52 AM »
Anyone else just glad to hear that these kids had a reasonable wedding?  It sounds like an intimate celebration that didn't break the bank!

That’s because they have no money.  If they did they would most definitely go overboard.

thd7t

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #27 on: May 24, 2018, 06:52:57 AM »
Anyone else just glad to hear that these kids had a reasonable wedding?  It sounds like an intimate celebration that didn't break the bank!

That’s because they have no money.  If they did they would most definitely go overboard.
A lot of people would go overboard without any money, though!  I did see that you mentioned that they feel entitled, though and you are the one who actually knows them, so I defer to you on this.

lavagirl

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #28 on: May 24, 2018, 06:54:56 AM »

We sent out a "we got married" card with bridal picture to inform people,

Can I ask a stupid question that stems from my poor social habits?  I don’t mean to offend, just curious...  what is the reason for informing everyone that you got married? Wouldn’t the people you’re close to find out anyway -and the people you are not close to, what does it matter if they know?  Again, I don’t mean to offend- just wondering why the need to tell everyone?

kimmarg

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #29 on: May 24, 2018, 06:59:50 AM »
As others have said I would just take it as a nice note. Sort of a 'we only invited a few people but if we WERE goign to have a big party you'd be someone we'd want to invite/know this".  Personally I have a wall of my fridge covered in christmas cards, baby photos, etc and I would add this to the mix.

lavagirl

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #30 on: May 24, 2018, 07:01:48 AM »
Anyone else just glad to hear that these kids had a reasonable wedding?  It sounds like an intimate celebration that didn't break the bank!

That’s because they have no money.  If they did they would most definitely go overboard.
A lot of people would go overboard without any money, though!  I did see that you mentioned that they feel entitled, though and you are the one who actually knows them, so I defer to you on this.


I know I’m being judgmental but I feel like they went overboard with the announcement.  They had professional pictures taken for it.  I’ve never had professional pictures done but I’m sure it’s few hundred bucks. And the cost of the announcements and mailing them. I know they can’t afford this.  They also have many kids and a new puppy so to me this is overboard for their situation.   I had a courthouse wedding too and my mom took pictures of us with her phone.  Anyway, rant over now.

wordnerd

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #31 on: May 24, 2018, 07:12:18 AM »
It sounds like you don't like these people. So throw the card in the trash, don't send a gift, and move on with your life. Assuming good intentions would likely have you some angst as well.

charis

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #32 on: May 24, 2018, 07:20:26 AM »
Anyone else just glad to hear that these kids had a reasonable wedding?  It sounds like an intimate celebration that didn't break the bank!

That’s because they have no money.  If they did they would most definitely go overboard.
A lot of people would go overboard without any money, though!  I did see that you mentioned that they feel entitled, though and you are the one who actually knows them, so I defer to you on this.


I know I’m being judgmental but I feel like they went overboard with the announcement.  They had professional pictures taken for it.  I’ve never had professional pictures done but I’m sure it’s few hundred bucks. And the cost of the announcements and mailing them. I know they can’t afford this.  They also have many kids and a new puppy so to me this is overboard for their situation.   I had a courthouse wedding too and my mom took pictures of us with her phone.  Anyway, rant over now.

The problem is the couple, not the custom of sending wedding announcements (this is a long standing tradition), which many people, probably older generations, quite enjoy.  You are certainly entitled to your opinion about this particular couple, which have already reveal themselves to be gift grabbers.  However, it's a bit over the top to generally write off the custom just because you personally don't understand it or wouldn't do it.

Captain FIRE

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #33 on: May 24, 2018, 07:24:47 AM »
It sounds like you don't like these people. So throw the card in the trash, don't send a gift, and move on with your life. Assuming good intentions would likely have you some angst as well.

+1

Even though they didn't spend the industry average of $30k, you instead are judgmental that they may have spent $300 on professional photos to remember an exceedingly special day?  (The cost of mailing announcements is very low in the grand scheme of things, probably less than $100.)  That's taking mustachianism - and judgement levels - too far for me. 

lavagirl

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #34 on: May 24, 2018, 07:28:11 AM »
It sounds like you don't like these people. So throw the card in the trash, don't send a gift, and move on with your life. Assuming good intentions would likely have you some angst as well.

+1

Even though they didn't spend the industry average of $30k, you instead are judgmental that they may have spent $300 on professional photos to remember an exceedingly special day?  (The cost of mailing announcements is very low in the grand scheme of things, probably less than $100.)  That's taking mustachianism - and judgement levels - too far for me.

I see where you’re coming from but they literally can’t pay their bills.  For them, I think the professional photos are over the top.  They can remember this day with regular photos. 

Linea_Norway

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #35 on: May 24, 2018, 07:40:42 AM »

We sent out a "we got married" card with bridal picture to inform people,

Can I ask a stupid question that stems from my poor social habits?  I don’t mean to offend, just curious...  what is the reason for informing everyone that you got married? Wouldn’t the people you’re close to find out anyway -and the people you are not close to, what does it matter if they know?  Again, I don’t mean to offend- just wondering why the need to tell everyone?

At the wedding we only invited parents and brothers and a pair of friends who witnessed. We kept it a secret for everyone else, because we didn't want a wedding with lots of people present. Yes, many would probably have found out later from my mother. But I thought it was custom to send out a wedding card to friend, family and work. And it was something I liked to share with others (under my conditions, using a card).

lavagirl

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #36 on: May 24, 2018, 07:50:30 AM »

We sent out a "we got married" card with bridal picture to inform people,

Can I ask a stupid question that stems from my poor social habits?  I don’t mean to offend, just curious...  what is the reason for informing everyone that you got married? Wouldn’t the people you’re close to find out anyway -and the people you are not close to, what does it matter if they know?  Again, I don’t mean to offend- just wondering why the need to tell everyone?

At the wedding we only invited parents and brothers and a pair of friends who witnessed. We kept it a secret for everyone else, because we didn't want a wedding with lots of people present. Yes, many would probably have found out later from my mother. But I thought it was custom to send out a wedding card to friend, family and work. And it was something I liked to share with others (under my conditions, using a card).

This makes sense.  Thanks for explaining.  I’m beginning to think this is a cultural thing and that’s why it seems so strange to me.  The culture I was brought up  in doesn’t do this, nor do they send thank you cards. 

herbgeek

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #37 on: May 24, 2018, 02:36:08 PM »
 
Quote
what is the reason for informing everyone that you got married? Wouldn’t the people you’re close to find out anyway -and the people you are not close to, what does it matter if they know? 

Maybe its just because I'm old, but I would be rather hurt to find out someone I was fond of got married on Facebook, or heard it through the grapevine.  It would indicate to me that I was not important enough for someone to send an email/text/phone call to tell me something so important.

MrUpwardlyMobile

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #38 on: May 24, 2018, 02:42:54 PM »
It’s just a wedding announcement.  Common among millennial to announce they were married in a card rather than a public announcement in the news paper.

Most commonly, they say “we would have invited you, but we eloped!”  It’s a friendly gesture, not some weird request for gifts.

SimpleCycle

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #39 on: May 24, 2018, 02:44:07 PM »
It sounds like you don't like these people. So throw the card in the trash, don't send a gift, and move on with your life. Assuming good intentions would likely have you some angst as well.

+1

Even though they didn't spend the industry average of $30k, you instead are judgmental that they may have spent $300 on professional photos to remember an exceedingly special day?  (The cost of mailing announcements is very low in the grand scheme of things, probably less than $100.)  That's taking mustachianism - and judgement levels - too far for me.

I see where you’re coming from but they literally can’t pay their bills.  For them, I think the professional photos are over the top.  They can remember this day with regular photos.

This is over the top judgement.  Maybe someone gifted them the photos.  Maybe they have a friend who is a photographer.

Throw the card away and move on with your life.  You are not coming off well here.

SimpleCycle

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #40 on: May 24, 2018, 02:47:43 PM »
Also, Facebook is a terrible thing to rely on for spreading important news.  I changed my relationship status when I got divorced, posted tons of photos of my new SO, etc. and I still had Facebook friends who didn't know my ex and I had split up until I saw them and told them.

lavagirl

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #41 on: May 24, 2018, 02:59:16 PM »
Also, Facebook is a terrible thing to rely on for spreading important news.  I changed my relationship status when I got divorced, posted tons of photos of my new SO, etc. and I still had Facebook friends who didn't know my ex and I had split up until I saw them and told them.

Maybe you should have sent an announcement. 

aneel

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #42 on: May 24, 2018, 04:52:08 PM »
Sounds like this was already worked out, but wanted to add sometimes you want to experience some of the traditional elements, without the full investment. Like having a photographer and and a way to show off pics without having to plan a day for 100 of your parents' closest friends :-D. For example when we were approved to be adoptive parents but had no kid I sight we sent out the equivalent of an "we're expecting" announcement.

Rosy

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #43 on: May 24, 2018, 05:33:54 PM »
It sounds like you don't like these people. So throw the card in the trash, don't send a gift, and move on with your life. Assuming good intentions would likely have you some angst as well.

+1

Even though they didn't spend the industry average of $30k, you instead are judgmental that they may have spent $300 on professional photos to remember an exceedingly special day?  (The cost of mailing announcements is very low in the grand scheme of things, probably less than $100.)  That's taking mustachianism - and judgement levels - too far for me.

I see where you’re coming from but they literally can’t pay their bills.  For them, I think the professional photos are over the top.  They can remember this day with regular photos. [/color]

EXCEPT, despite your consternation-condemnation-frustration over their audacity and apparently really poor money habits - they somehow managed to have professional photos taken at their wedding. (which could well have been taken by someone they knew as a gift to them or they got a $99 special)

Just let it go - you don't appear to like them and sound offended by their very existence.

As weddings go - this is indeed a very modest one, so give them credit for that - even if you personally feel that they should have done zero. Zero is a bit harsh and unrealistic even in the MMM world.
They showed restraint in spending and good manners by honoring you with the information about their change in status and address.

If you are so hopelessly out of touch and anti-social on purpose that you don't recognize good manners when you see them, I'd say you might want to re-examine your own perception and the reason why you cling to such a negative view of their actions.
We are just strangers on the Internet so we don't know possibly hurtful details or outrageous actions this couple may have engaged in the past - but people do make a lot of stupid money mistakes when they are young - give them the benefit of the doubt, maybe they are on the way to mustache land:)
One never knows:)

ltt

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #44 on: May 24, 2018, 05:57:31 PM »
We sent out cards like this to family and friends.  We were married out-of-state in a very simple ceremony with our parents, one aunt, and a close cousin and her husband present.  It was just a simple announcement that we got married.  We did not expect, nor want, anything from anyone.  We were simply sharing the news that we had married.  A few people sent cards.


ltt

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #45 on: May 24, 2018, 06:18:15 PM »
OP, you are not paying this couple's bills, therefore, it should be of no concern how much or how little they are spending.  Send them a card congratulating them on their marriage and then move on.

Nicholas Carter

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Re: “We got married” card
« Reply #46 on: May 25, 2018, 09:42:20 AM »
Can I ask a stupid question that stems from my poor social habits?  I don’t mean to offend, just curious...  what is the reason for informing everyone that you got married? Wouldn’t the people you’re close to find out anyway -and the people you are not close to, what does it matter if they know?  Again, I don’t mean to offend- just wondering why the need to tell everyone?
So to answer a slightly different question: Why, beyond government benefits, do we get married at all these days?
From your internal, relationship-member perspective, it doesn't seem like there's much difference in commitment or intimacy between a four year live in partner and a spouse. But, there exists a culture that your spouse is allowed to be a higher priority in your life than a partner is, regardless of how long you've been partners or how short you've been married (Your job, your siblings, your extended family all fall into a space where they are more important than a partner but less important than a spouse.)
The wedding is a big public ceremony in which, basically, you announce that everyone who used to have "more-important-than-a-girlfriend" status has just been demoted one priority, and if they don't like it they can pound sand. The purpose of the wedding is only tangentially a development of your relationship with your partner, it's mostly a moment of public recognition.