Finding a lost identity, or reestablishing a new one

[Frankies Girl]

Age 10 when family died? A 10 year old knows his family's names, his addresses and phone numbers. He knows his city and state and friends that lived on his street and things he used to like doing in his town. You state that he said he went to live with his aunt at age 10 when the accident happened but then state he told you he was homeschooled (by his parents and then his aunt) so he has conveniently removed the possibility of tracing through a school - notice that? All it would take is contacting the school as they have birth/ss numbers and all that jazz... interesting.

So being homeschooled, he must have known his house VERY well. The fact he can't remember his street or town he lived in even? No way. 

No way a 10 year old doesn't know that stuff easily. I could tell you NOW where I lived and even phone numbers of many of the places I lived and my family moved 5 times during my middle school years - I still know generally where to look even decades later.

While I also agree with exhibiting caution in general in this situation, I do want to circle back to this specific point.

I am the same age as this person (ish, 1985) and I lived in the same apartment complex when I was 0-10, then moved into a house when I was 11. I have had a fairly easy life with a pretty normal trajectory and minimal trauma. AND I am constantly called out for having an amazing recall and memory.

All that to say, I would not have the foggiest clue of the street name or location of said apartments. I know what city, but only because it is the same city as the house I lived in from 11+, and the city is one of the 5 largest in the US, so it wouldn't be much help.

Just sayin'.

You know the city tho? You'd likely recognize the apartments if they weren't significantly altered then. Most kids would likely be able to do this. Definitely do not expect every kid to know the number/street and complex name if they moved around much, but they'd know more than this guy for sure. All anyone really needs from this guy is the city and state and they'd be able to find the info on a family that had a fatal car crash in XX year and one child age ~10 survivor.

Again this guy is saying he isn't even 100% on what STATE he lived in until age 10 and when he went to live with the aunt, can't recall the AUNT's address or city (and may not even be 100% on THAT state) where he lived until age 17.

That's literally unpossible unless he truly sustained horrific issues/injuries that would also make it unlikely he would be a functioning adult able to complete complex tasks required for his job.


Or hey, I'm just wrong and y'all are right and I'm a freak of nature because no one has any recall of any city or even state they've lived in or even. Whatever - totally plausable, the guy is likely Jesus as the second coming and it's all about having faith and I'm just too suspicious. :D

[Imma]

Age 10 when family died? A 10 year old knows his family's names, his addresses and phone numbers. He knows his city and state and friends that lived on his street and things he used to like doing in his town. You state that he said he went to live with his aunt at age 10 when the accident happened but then state he told you he was homeschooled (by his parents and then his aunt) so he has conveniently removed the possibility of tracing through a school - notice that? All it would take is contacting the school as they have birth/ss numbers and all that jazz... interesting.

So being homeschooled, he must have known his house VERY well. The fact he can't remember his street or town he lived in even? No way. 

No way a 10 year old doesn't know that stuff easily. I could tell you NOW where I lived and even phone numbers of many of the places I lived and my family moved 5 times during my middle school years - I still know generally where to look even decades later.

While I also agree with exhibiting caution in general in this situation, I do want to circle back to this specific point.

I am the same age as this person (ish, 1985) and I lived in the same apartment complex when I was 0-10, then moved into a house when I was 11. I have had a fairly easy life with a pretty normal trajectory and minimal trauma. AND I am constantly called out for having an amazing recall and memory.

All that to say, I would not have the foggiest clue of the street name or location of said apartments. I know what city, but only because it is the same city as the house I lived in from 11+, and the city is one of the 5 largest in the US, so it wouldn't be much help.

Just sayin'.

Yup same thing here, super stable upbringing, in my early thirties now and I literally had to think for a full 30 seconds to determine which country I lived in when I was 10. Street address and phone numbers, loljk, not a chance. I tried to search for a park that I remembered on google street view and narrowed it down to... many different parks, who all have many different streets near them.

Wow! I lived in the same house from 0-5 and I can tell you not only the street name but also postal code, phone number, the names of most of the neighbours (at least first names of the kids, maybe last name and if they lived with one or two parents). I can also tell you exactly how we walked to school in the morning and which shops we passed.

My grandparents passed when I was 11 and I can also still tell you their address, phone number and describe several of their neighbours. And I could draw you very detailed pictures of the inside and outside of those homes. Like, I can tell you what the curtains looked like. I don't consider myself to have a very exceptional memory but apparantly I do?

[Frankies Girl]

Age 10 when family died? A 10 year old knows his family's names, his addresses and phone numbers. He knows his city and state and friends that lived on his street and things he used to like doing in his town. You state that he said he went to live with his aunt at age 10 when the accident happened but then state he told you he was homeschooled (by his parents and then his aunt) so he has conveniently removed the possibility of tracing through a school - notice that? All it would take is contacting the school as they have birth/ss numbers and all that jazz... interesting.

So being homeschooled, he must have known his house VERY well. The fact he can't remember his street or town he lived in even? No way. 

No way a 10 year old doesn't know that stuff easily. I could tell you NOW where I lived and even phone numbers of many of the places I lived and my family moved 5 times during my middle school years - I still know generally where to look even decades later.

While I also agree with exhibiting caution in general in this situation, I do want to circle back to this specific point.

I am the same age as this person (ish, 1985) and I lived in the same apartment complex when I was 0-10, then moved into a house when I was 11. I have had a fairly easy life with a pretty normal trajectory and minimal trauma. AND I am constantly called out for having an amazing recall and memory.

All that to say, I would not have the foggiest clue of the street name or location of said apartments. I know what city, but only because it is the same city as the house I lived in from 11+, and the city is one of the 5 largest in the US, so it wouldn't be much help.

Just sayin'.

Yup same thing here, super stable upbringing, in my early thirties now and I literally had to think for a full 30 seconds to determine which country I lived in when I was 10. Street address and phone numbers, loljk, not a chance. I tried to search for a park that I remembered on google street view and narrowed it down to... many different parks, who all have many different streets near them.

Wow! I lived in the same house from 0-5 and I can tell you not only the street name but also postal code, phone number, the names of most of the neighbours (at least first names of the kids, maybe last name and if they lived with one or two parents). I can also tell you exactly how we walked to school in the morning and which shops we passed.

My grandparents passed when I was 11 and I can also still tell you their address, phone number and describe several of their neighbours. And I could draw you very detailed pictures of the inside and outside of those homes. Like, I can tell you what the curtains looked like. I don't consider myself to have a very exceptional memory but apparantly I do?

Me too? My parents divorced (and it was VERY acrimonious with screaming/hitting/breaking into the house to steal things...) so lots of trauma. I remember the apartments we moved into when I was 5. I can even remember the layout, the street. I remember the next 5 moves as well - mutliples in same state, different towns, and then multiple locations after moving 4 states away. I have one at around age 13 I know I only lived at for less than 6 months that I can't recall the name/street of, but I can see it as clear as day and likely could track it down online if so inclined. I know the one before it and the one after tho because we lived in each longer than a year.

No clue on various phone #s but still.

And I have a HORRIBLE memory. Seriously. Guess some folks are just wired differently on things they do remember.

[Zikoris]

He's definitely lying about 23 and me - I had it done myself recently and there are no delays whatsoever. Since he's lying about that, it's safe to assume he's lying about the rest as well.

[Paul der Krake]

Wow! I lived in the same house from 0-5 and I can tell you not only the street name but also postal code, phone number, the names of most of the neighbours (at least first names of the kids, maybe last name and if they lived with one or two parents). I can also tell you exactly how we walked to school in the morning and which shops we passed.

My grandparents passed when I was 11 and I can also still tell you their address, phone number and describe several of their neighbours. And I could draw you very detailed pictures of the inside and outside of those homes. Like, I can tell you what the curtains looked like. I don't consider myself to have a very exceptional memory but apparantly I do?

Yeah I think we just remember different things. I think I had 8 different addresses across 4 cities from age 0 to 18, and a good additional dozen after that. Definitely can't tell you what the interior of any of them aside from random details that stuck in my mind for whatever reason. And I was one of the first kids to have a cellphone around 2000 (paranoid mother), which meant I never needed to remember any phone numbers. No trauma whatsoever, just... a selective memory I guess?

[simonsez]

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark!  Sounds like a shady backstory or mental illness or a combination.  I'm trying to think of the best-case scenario and it still isn't that comforting.  The mental illness can be such an all-too-convenient panacea of sorts for trying to explain so many different things.  I'm not trying to decry anyone with mental illness but in this saga it seems almost frustrating at the myriad opportunities that would have existed throughout childhood, adolescence, and adulthood to serve as major clues.  The lack of ANY seem like severe mental impairment or if I'm speculating, the more likely is that the past is being covered up and no legitimate desire to recall that time.  Maybe they were dealt an unfair hand in life and just wanted a clean break but you'd think a person would be doing more to sate the interest of new companions (but again, mental illness!) so as to not burn these new bridges or at least curb the curiosity.

Radiolab had an interesting story in this vein (though much less shady) awhile back.  It was called The Girl Who Doesn't Exist.  She was born at home, homeschooled, never went to doctor, had uber-protective/religious parents and there just weren't any records.  I think she did end up getting a birth cert, SSN, ID, etc. but don't remember the details on that or if they spelled it out or not.

[mozar]

I think what it comes down to is that marriage is a legal contract in this country (I assume OP is in the USA). If he can't supply that correct paperwork to get married, then he can't get married! If he wants to get married, then he has to get his paperwork together.

I think he's lying, but i also don't get the impression he is trying to con anyone. Some people just lie for whatever reason.

[frugalnacho]

I remember my childhood address and phone number, but I lived in that house from birth to 26, and I remember my mother specifically teaching us all that information. Making me recite my full name, dob, address, phone number, family member names, extended family names, etc from very young.  More recently I remember my niece living in that same house and they turned the address into a little song to get her to remember it from a young age. 

I was mixed up though, apparently he was sent to live with his Aunt prior to his family dying.   Got in some trouble or something. Got in one little fight and his mom got scared, and said "you're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel air." but seriously, I have no idea why or for how long. Also he was told his family "died in an accident". I guess I assumed that meant in a car, but somehow he has no additional details.

I spoke with my other sister as well (the one who took him to the lawyer).  She said he didn't have much to offer to help the lawyer, just too vague about too many details, and the lawyer didn't believe him. Wanted him to take a lie detector test and a dna test and quoted $10k.  That sounds like it was a wild meeting. I can understand the lawyer's frustration if he was only given vague answers like "they died in an unspecified accident".

[HPstache]

Really suspicious.  Could hypnotism work in a case like this if he truly wanted to figure out his past and be identified?

[Kris]

Really suspicious.  Could hypnotism work in a case like this if he truly wanted to figure out his past and be identified?

I think this is a good idea. Not because I believe hypnosis works, frankly — I know almost nothing about it. But because if I were a person lying about my identity, I would resist undergoing hypnosis because I would worry I’d lose control and reveal something I didn’t want known.

[red_pill]

Really suspicious.  Could hypnotism work in a case like this if he truly wanted to figure out his past and be identified?

Hypnosis is total BS. 

[red_pill]

Okay, this guys story is clearly fake.  He could easily go into a police station and get a criminal record check (requiring fingerprints) that is needed for any volunteer position.  Bet he will have excuses why not to go.

Seriously,  apply Occam's Razor here... the likelihood that this crazy story is true is zero percent.  The combination of events is one in a trillion.  No way.

Dude is hiding something.  And your family member will probably exercise willful blindness until the truth is glaringly obvious and even then will probably choose to ignore it.

My advice would be to call the police and report a suspected fraud or wanted fugitive.

[iris lily]

Has he ever had medical care! Vaccinations? Dental care? I have a hard time seeing him getting that with no ID and I also find it hard to imagine someone in their mid 30s going this far in life with neither health nor dental care.

I’ll agree with all the others that a PI is the way to go. Too bad we can’t hire Kinsey Milhone to crack the case.

I think it’s easy for people in their mid-30s to not have had professional dental or Health care.

[SunnyDays]

My suggestion would be to get a psychiatric assessment.  Something is terribly wrong here and since all the logical avenues have been considered or roadblocked, then I would approach it from a medical angle.  Anyone in his position should be desperate to sort this all out, and if he doesn’t seem to be, he’s likely either conning you all or he’s not functioning at a mentally normal level.  A psychiatrist can help to sort out some plausible scenarios.  (There is something called Dissociative Disorder, where people truly develop amnesia for large chunks of their lives and try to fill in gaps with fictional stories.)  Another option is to go to media in Florida where he says he lived and see if that results in any leads.

[charis]

Yeah, this makes no sense. What was the purpose of meeting with the lawyer? Lawyers don't typically require lie detector tests before taking a client, they get paid for their work. I have no idea why your relatives are buying into this implausible story but you might need to distance yourself from this situation if they aren't seeing it.

[frugalnacho]

Yeah, this makes no sense. What was the purpose of meeting with the lawyer? Lawyers don't typically require lie detector tests before taking a client, they get paid for their work. I have no idea why your relatives are buying into this implausible story but you might need to distance yourself from this situation if they aren't seeing it.

My sister took him to the lawyer to see if the issue could be sorted out and he could get some legal identification.  This is her account of the story, not the guy in question.  She is on the side of this making no sense.  The whole visit was ridiculous she said, and he didn't have an answer for any of the lawyer's follow up questions.  So basically just provided no information. 

I've met the guy numerous times, but I'm not much into chatting with people, and certain topics never come up.  I automatically take for granted that this person has a birth certificate, and a license, etc. Never in my wildest dreams would I have anticipated something like this or asked specific questions that could have revealed it.  I haven't spoken to him since I've found all this stuff out. , Because I just found out recently. I'm sure if I spoke directly with him I could get a better idea.or maybe my bullshit detector would be going off like my sister's is.

[Cassie]

I really doubt any of this is true.

[Metalcat]

Given that story about the lawyer, it's 100% clear that he doesn't want this figured out. The most likely is that he's hiding his past, but there is a small chance he's so traumatized by it that he cannot bring himself to face it or even remember it.

Either way, he doesn't want this dealt with.
It's up to your family member to decide what she wants to do with that fact, and up to everyone else to determine how they want to handle it.

No lawyer or investigator or social worker or whatever will help if he actively wants to avoid resolving this. And the only way a therapist would work is if the person dating him chose to go to couple's counselling for better communication about this. A therapist won't be able to do anything if he doesn't want the issue resolved, and even if they can determine that he's lying, they can't tell anyone.

So in the end, it all comes down to what the person dating him thinks, and how determined she is to get to the bottom of this, because he's obviously just going to keep avoiding it.

[iris lily]

I really doubt any of this is true.

Agreed. And anyone who “marries” into this will deserves what she gets. Sorry!

But what an interesting diversion you’ve given us frugalnacho. Interesting to ponder.

You must, absolutely must, come back here and give us updates.

[yachi]

I think you already have an answer to establishing a new identity:
Get a fake ID, work jobs for money under the table, don't let people find out your old identity, and make sure you have a cover story.

Here is a case of someone disappearing on purpose, who was not running for criminal reasons:
https://www.nbcmiami.com/news/local/brenda-heist-mother-who-went-missing-in-pennsylvania-in-2002-found-in-florida-keys/1917685/

[former player]

Look, the lawyer clearly didn't want anything to do with this issue, and made it clear through asking for $10k and a lie detector - that was a clear "go away".  A lawyer who was taking the matter seriously would have quoted an hourly rate  as ot would be impossible for a lawyer to know on one initial consultation how long this case would take so they wouldn't take the risk of quoting a fixed fee.   (I don't suppose your relative who took this chap to the lawyer had much more clue about hiring lawyers than he did.)   I don't think this interaction with a clearly uninterested lawyer is much of a tell of anything.  (Basis for this assessment: I was a lawyer.) A private investigator or a social worker would be a better idea for professional help.  If a reliable and to some extent verified narrative of this person's life can be produced it might be possible to get some sort of court order setting out his identity in place of a birth certificate: it is at that stage that a lawyer should be consulted again.

And I don't think enough allowance is being given to the lifelong difficulty this chap could very well be having in dealing with authority, with an upbringing based on complete avoidance of officialdom and an adult life lived in the shadows.  I think it's probably difficult for the educated, literate, numerate, self-motivated and largely middle class membership of this forum to understand how difficult dealing with officialdom can be for someone who has never had any of their advantages.  The practical and psychological difficulties of moving out of that disadvantaged mindset are going to be overwhelming, even taking into account the well-meaning (and also completely amateur) help of OP's family members.  To be taken to an unfamiliar setting of a lawyer's office and challenged to produce answers on the spot to questions that have gone unanswered for decades was setting him up for failure.

I'm not saying that all is well here.  If you have some sort of law that allows people to check the backgrounds of people who are around young children then a starting point would be to invoke that through getting a fingerprint check of this man's identity.  Even without such a law it might be possible to get a fingerprint check at the request of the person himself.  Not going through that process to establish a non-criminal (or quite possibly a petty criminal) background would be a big red flag.  (I would say though that for a 17 year old to be left without family, home or identity and to not have any interactions with the police would be unusual.  A degree of understanding of any past problems with the law would be in order, provided they were in the past and unlikely to recur).

If OP's family member wants to go ahead with the marriage it might be worth looking into the requirements for marriage in different States to see whether there is one that would agree to a marriage without requiring documentation this man does not have.

[mozar]

The more I think about it, the more concerned I am about the niece. She's telling all this information about her boyfriend now, maybe she needs help getting out of this relationship?

He appears completely genuine, and wants to marry this family member

I could be reading into things but the language is not "they want to get married" but "he wants to marry". What does the niece want?

[Cassie]

The niece should hire a PI before even considering marrying him.

[Kwill]

If OP's family member wants to go ahead with the marriage it might be worth looking into the requirements for marriage in different States to see whether there is one that would agree to a marriage without requiring documentation this man does not have.

This was an intriguing idea, so I went and looked it up. Apparently there are a few US states plus the District of Columbia that recognise the legality of common-law marriages, and then the other states may acknowledge them because the marriage is legal in the original state. The rules are different in each, and it would be difficult to prove and document--the same problem as everything else. If he is hiding his identity because of an existing marriage, then this wouldn't be valid either. The whole thing seems very risky for OP's family member. OP mentioned that mystery man wanted to marry the family member, but does family member really want to marry mystery man in spite of everything? [I see mozar said the same thing as I was typing...]

[frugalnacho]

It's my sister, not niece. They both want to get married.  She trusts him and is unphased by the situation. He has moved in with them (sister and her daughter, mom, and dad), but did this under the table too.  The place they are living requires everyone to undergo a background check before they allow them to move in (so he is not currently living with them, but trying to rectify the situation), which has obviously caused a snag because you can't run a background check on a person that doesn't exist I guess.  I guess they could run one, but for who, since they can't verify his identity?  They've all been privy to this information from the start, but I haven't been looped in until very recently.  I am largely excluded from my own family because I'm apparently very judgemental and I ask questions like "why haven't you saved ANYTHING for retirement?!", "why haven't you paid your house insurance for the last 2 years?!?!", "why are you even considering this large purchase when you can't pay off your home depot credit card?!", and other completely (IMO) reasonable questions to ask.  They don't like dealing with me questioning them though.

I urged my sister to sign up for credit karma to monitor her credit.  Specifically because I'm concerned there may be something nefarious going on, but tried to couch it in the idea that it's just a good idea to at a minimum monitor what accounts are under your name, and you can see this for free with credit karma.  I haven't had time to speak to my mother and father about doing the same yet.  My mom had a stroke 2-3 weeks ago though and is still in the hospital, and I think my dad is already heading down the path of losing his marbles.  This is what initially sparked this, as they have reached out to me to see what can be done about living arrangements, and possibly moving into a new place that will allow all 5 of them to live together without requiring background checks so he can be in the house to help.  What followed was a whole slew of questions about why he can't just live with them now...and here we are.   

In speaking with my sister (the one that's gonna marry him) yesterday she agreed it was crazy, but she trusts him and thinks he just been dealt a shitty hand in life.  She also mentioned that she discussed it with her therapist who advised her he was lying and to GTFO, which she obviously ignored.   

[Metalcat]

Oh my...

There's nothing you can do here with respect to your sister. Your sister is entitled to her own mistakes and has already gotten professional advice from her own therapist on the matter.

In terms of your parents, that all depends on how involved you want to try to be in helping them protect themselves.

That's a frustrating situation, my heart rate rose just reading it and imagining myself finding this shit out.

[bacchi]

This guy has found a perfect mark. He found someone vulnerable who is willing to accept his crazy-ass story, even against the advice of her therapist, and who has (some) family support for that decision. Any skeptical family (that's you) is already somewhat estranged, making his job easier.

Yeah, it's possible he's telling the truth but the glaring fault in his story is the 23andme "covid delay."

You could always be the asshole and ask him to show you the account. Like telling a friend that their SO is cheating on them, though -- even if you're right, you'd still lose.

[Catbert]

I know some one who was adopted, and her mother was also adopted, but everyone? Come on. I agree he's lying or was lied to. A PI should be able to help.

Not everyone was adopted, just his dad and aunt.  Mom was an only biological child.  No other aunts/uncles.  So genetics related to his paternal side are likely to be dead ends.  Maybe they'll find something on the maternal side though.

It doesn't sound implausible for his dad to have been from a family with 2 adopted children and no bio children.

It seems telling that he is positive that his father and aunt were adopted and his mother an only child but has no clue what city he lived in at 17.  Very selective memory.

[frugalnacho]

Yeah.  I don't think she has any intentions of pushing to find out any answers either.  I'm already starting to get shut down and ignored with my questions.  One of the most easily answerable is the 23andme.  She claims he sent in a sample "before all this covid stuff" and it's been delayed.  But the more I look into it it just doesn't make any sense.  They are still up and running and churning out results.  You can easily check on the progress of your samples.  What. The. Fuck.  This "covid stuff" was declared a pandemic on March 11, so not having results at this point, and not having any reasonable answers as to why there are no results is suspicious as hell.  All my follow ups are ignored, so I suspect I'm being shut out.   Even if she was super trusting and believed him and never independently checked with 23andme, I can't believe she wouldn't say "wait a minute, wtf?" once I pointed all that out.  Easier to stay inside your delusions I guess?

It's driving me absolutely bonkers though.  At first I was suspicious, but gave the benefit of the doubt, but the more I think about it the less sense the entire story makes and it's driving me mad.  I am having a hard time focussing on anything else the last 2 days because I feel like I have an alarm inside my head screaming "danger! danger!" and it keeps getting louder and louder and I just can't ignore it. 

[frugalnacho]

This guy has found a perfect mark. He found someone vulnerable who is willing to accept his crazy-ass story, even against the advice of her therapist, and who has (some) family support for that decision. Any skeptical family (that's you) is already somewhat estranged, making his job easier.

Yeah, it's possible he's telling the truth but the glaring fault in his story is the 23andme "covid delay."

You could always be the asshole and ask him to show you the account. Like telling a friend that their SO is cheating on them, though -- even if you're right, you'd still lose.

I know.  And someone else already posted "not your monkeys not your circus" but it's my family, so I feel it's kind of my circus.  My sister and parents are adults, and I can't force them to do anything, but I also can't sit idly by if I think they are in danger or making a huge error.  This has backfired on me a lot in the past.  I'm definitely not estranged, but I do get excluded from a lot of details about their lives.   My niece (whom I'd protect with my life) also lives with them though.  I don't know that she's in danger, because I don't know precisely what the danger is.  Something doesn't feel right to me though.   

[former player]

How old is your sister's daughter?  Because although I've been sympathetic to his situation so far, the possibility of his being a predatory paedophile cannot be ignored, and better safe than sorry.   Your sister should not be allowing this man any access to her daughter at all before he passes a background check.

And I'm sorry to hear about your parent's situation.   But this man is not the solution without a background check being carried out.

[stashja]

Create a room at your place for your niece.Let her know it's there when and if she needs it.
Give her your phone number if you haven't already.
You may need to be a very good uncle.

[Imma]

This guy has found a perfect mark. He found someone vulnerable who is willing to accept his crazy-ass story, even against the advice of her therapist, and who has (some) family support for that decision. Any skeptical family (that's you) is already somewhat estranged, making his job easier.

Yeah, it's possible he's telling the truth but the glaring fault in his story is the 23andme "covid delay."

You could always be the asshole and ask him to show you the account. Like telling a friend that their SO is cheating on them, though -- even if you're right, you'd still lose.

I know.  And someone else already posted "not your monkeys not your circus" but it's my family, so I feel it's kind of my circus.  My sister and parents are adults, and I can't force them to do anything, but I also can't sit idly by if I think they are in danger or making a huge error.  This has backfired on me a lot in the past.  I'm definitely not estranged, but I do get excluded from a lot of details about their lives.   My niece (whom I'd protect with my life) also lives with them though.  I don't know that she's in danger, because I don't know precisely what the danger is.  Something doesn't feel right to me though.

Totally understandable that you're concerned. Your family members are vulnerable at this point in time. If he's not who he says he is, this is an excellent opportunity for him.

Is your niece's father in the picture? If I were him I wouldn't be very happy if a guy moved in who can't even tell who he is but does admit to living under an assumed identity. I assume that means he's driving around uninsured? Hope he doesn't drive her to school...

[mozar]

If you believe your niece is in danger, you can call CPS. That's about all you can do though, and they may or may not follow up.

If you still want to figure out who this person is you can hire a PI and not tell your family about it.

[marble_faun]

I agree that this is extremely odd and cause to tread carefully.

The most charitable reading of his situation is that he was a lost, traumatized boy who somehow fell through every crack in the system.  But the more likely answer is that he is trying to hide something and is possibly up to no good.

I'm amazed that he wouldn't have more information about his birth family, even if his own memories are a little fuzzy.  Wouldn't family be a topic of conversation with his aunt? (Like, if my husband and I died and one of our siblings had to raise our child, I like to think there would be some discussions of us over the years?) Instead it's like no information was carried over after age 10.  I'm just imagining him and his aunt both living together, totally isolated from society at large, and not even speaking with each other about much of anything. It would be a super-weird upbringing for sure.

You say he does remember his family members' names, and his own name.  How about plugging all the names he remembers into the ancestry.com genealogical database?  No need to even do the DNA test.  You can find digitized birth records, death records, census info, even random photos sometimes.  There has to be something on someone. 

[marble_faun]

Another thought:

Since your sister would rather keep her head in the sand, maybe you can frame your requests for information as attempts to help the guy out?  As in, "It's so horrible what happened to him -- but I can try [XYZ] to find his family and get the paperwork in order so you can live normally and don't have to deal with this anymore." If he adamantly turns down all your help, maybe that's another clue that something isn't right.

You might want to watch the 2012 documentary "The Imposter."  It's really good!  And it gives a sense of how, when people desperately want something to be true, they can overlook obvious flaws in a grifter's story.

[nessness]

I have a relative (by marriage) who was born in the US but does not have a birth certificate. He was born at home and his birth was never recorded, then he was informally adopted by family friends as a young child (my impression is they basically just took him from his neglectful parents), then his birth parents died. He was able to use a baptismal record to get a driver's license, and then use his driver's license to enlist in the military and everything else. He does not have a passport, and doesn't think he can get one, though he's never really tried.

But overall, I agree with everyone else that this guy's story is fishy. I'm not sure what the real story is, and how much deception and/or trauma is involved, but your sister needs to be REALLY careful.

[Jon Bon]

Nacho,

This is a very crazy story, and as you said its your sister. Also its your niece, so you are 100% connected to this.

1. You, I would devote some substantial amount of my own resources on this. Maybe up to 5k? I mean the damage this guy could do to your entire family is incalculable. There has to be experts in this that you hire. I mean hell buy the guy a damn beer then steal the glass afterword right? This might have been hard to track down 25 years ago, but I bet you could go easily get enough info on him. Pretty sure you can pay those services to tell you where a licence plate has been nationwide now that so many tow trucks have readers. He might not have a car, but in 2020 there is surveillance like never before. Best case you find out most of his story is true. Well worst case, see point #2.

2. Your niece, so I hate to say this, but I would be very concerned about her. I just had some absolutely horrible stuff happen way to close to home. It has really changed my outlook on this, and him moving in with a minor is a huge warning light. Maybe take her out to lunch sometime to talk. Would that be out of the ordinary for you? I would not want to make your sister angry.  I would not really ask questions, but likely just listen. Also having a room for her and a number she can call 24/7 is a huge one. Gawd I hate to say this, but you need to look for the signs. I was going to post some links but, hell I dont even want to type into my own web browser! Signs of sexual abuse, grooming etc etc. Its super horrible and gross your sister can look after herself, your niece likely cannot.

3. Your parents, I would try my best to monitor/protect their credit and interests the best I could, this might be difficult. But again with all 5? of them living together crimes of opportunity abound.

4. I would like to think that this will work itself out naturally. Likely your sister has some suspicions already but is trying to look past them. If he is lying then they will eventually add up and she will start to question him. He will not have answers, the relationship will end. The question is how long will this take, and what have you done to protect your family

Good luck nacho. The worst thing that happens if you get involved is you are wrong and you look like a bit of an ass, but your heart was in the right place and you were trying to protect your family.

[SunnyDays]

I would certainly call CPS the moment this guy moves in, or even now to discuss the situation, assuming your niece is a minor.  Her mother has a duty to protect her from potential harm and if this situation isn’t potentially harmful, I don’t know what is.  Also, if your mom is now vulnerable in any way since her stroke and your dad’s mental capacity is diminishing (if that’s what you meant by “losing his marbles”), then you should also call Adult Protective Services.  Better to overreact than under react in this very strange situation.

[Imma]

I have a relative (by marriage) who was born in the US but does not have a birth certificate. He was born at home and his birth was never recorded, then he was informally adopted by family friends as a young child (my impression is they basically just took him from his neglectful parents), then his birth parents died. He was able to use a baptismal record to get a driver's license, and then use his driver's license to enlist in the military and everything else. He does not have a passport, and doesn't think he can get one, though he's never really tried.

But overall, I agree with everyone else that this guy's story is fishy. I'm not sure what the real story is, and how much deception and/or trauma is involved, but your sister needs to be REALLY careful.

Theoretically it could all be true, stranger things have happened. But while it may be difficult to confirm his story, it's easy to falsify. You know he's lied about submitting to the DNA database. That's a black swan. Instead of devoting time and $$$ to finding white swans, finding just a few black swans tells you enough about this guy.

[Cassie]

As a former social worker it doesn’t do any good to ca
lol CPS or elder services at this time. There’s no evidence of child abuse and unless a crime has been committed against your parents it’s perfectly legal for them to live in a unsafe environment until both have diminished capacities. Nacho, from the financial questions you have asked your relatives in the past no wonder they don’t share now. Intruding on your sister’s financial business shouldn’t be done unless invited to. This is leading nowhere good. So sorry.

[iluvzbeach]

As your gut tells you and others have said, this reeks of fraud in some way. The mere fact that this guy knows just enough to provide parts of the story but not enough to give any names or locations, all but guarantees something is wrong. Obviously, there’s risk of financial fraud to your family and my biggest concern is that he is a pedophile. I would absolutely investigate this guy. No ifs, ands, or buts.

[SunnyDays]

Cassie, in my experience working with CPS staff, anyone can call them with such concerns.  They are then obligated to record this contact and do some form of investigation, even if it’s just a phone call.  At least this will give the sister a heads up that she is on the radar and maybe influence her decisions.

[Sandi_k]

So glad I'm not the only one concerned for the niece. This sounds like someone who's found a woman with just enough of a fragile ego and weird family that she's gullible. And New Guy has spent a year doing helpful things around the house...and is now being invited inside the henhouse.

I smell something rotten. I would be nosy enough to hire a PI myself if my sister was unwilling to be worldly in her suspicions.

[RetiredAt63]

Age 10 when family died? A 10 year old knows his family's names, his addresses and phone numbers. He knows his city and state and friends that lived on his street and things he used to like doing in his town. You state that he said he went to live with his aunt at age 10 when the accident happened but then state he told you he was homeschooled (by his parents and then his aunt) so he has conveniently removed the possibility of tracing through a school - notice that? All it would take is contacting the school as they have birth/ss numbers and all that jazz... interesting.

So being homeschooled, he must have known his house VERY well. The fact he can't remember his street or town he lived in even? No way. 

No way a 10 year old doesn't know that stuff easily. I could tell you NOW where I lived and even phone numbers of many of the places I lived and my family moved 5 times during my middle school years - I still know generally where to look even decades later.

While I also agree with exhibiting caution in general in this situation, I do want to circle back to this specific point.

I am the same age as this person (ish, 1985) and I lived in the same apartment complex when I was 0-10, then moved into a house when I was 11. I have had a fairly easy life with a pretty normal trajectory and minimal trauma. AND I am constantly called out for having an amazing recall and memory.

All that to say, I would not have the foggiest clue of the street name or location of said apartments. I know what city, but only because it is the same city as the house I lived in from 11+, and the city is one of the 5 largest in the US, so it wouldn't be much help.

Just sayin'.

Yup same thing here, super stable upbringing, in my early thirties now and I literally had to think for a full 30 seconds to determine which country I lived in when I was 10. Street address and phone numbers, loljk, not a chance. I tried to search for a park that I remembered on google street view and narrowed it down to... many different parks, who all have many different streets near them.

Wow! I lived in the same house from 0-5 and I can tell you not only the street name but also postal code, phone number, the names of most of the neighbours (at least first names of the kids, maybe last name and if they lived with one or two parents). I can also tell you exactly how we walked to school in the morning and which shops we passed.

My grandparents passed when I was 11 and I can also still tell you their address, phone number and describe several of their neighbours. And I could draw you very detailed pictures of the inside and outside of those homes. Like, I can tell you what the curtains looked like. I don't consider myself to have a very exceptional memory but apparantly I do?

Me too? My parents divorced (and it was VERY acrimonious with screaming/hitting/breaking into the house to steal things...) so lots of trauma. I remember the apartments we moved into when I was 5. I can even remember the layout, the street. I remember the next 5 moves as well - mutliples in same state, different towns, and then multiple locations after moving 4 states away. I have one at around age 13 I know I only lived at for less than 6 months that I can't recall the name/street of, but I can see it as clear as day and likely could track it down online if so inclined. I know the one before it and the one after tho because we lived in each longer than a year.

No clue on various phone #s but still.

And I have a HORRIBLE memory. Seriously. Guess some folks are just wired differently on things they do remember.

Me 3.  And that was a long time ago.  I even remember the phone number.

Re your sister, she doesn't want to see the red flags the rest of us are seeing. 

Two thoughts. One, be the helpful sympathetic brother, oh we need to regularize his situation, let's do another 23andme, let's do whatever.
Two, write Captain Awkward, she gets all kinds of weird situations and is really good at helping develop scripts to help your family communication.

And how old is your niece, roughly? 8? 10? 12? 14? 16?  I'm seeing 4 vulnerable people here.

[ysette9]

Cassie, in my experience working with CPS staff, anyone can call them with such concerns.  They are then obligated to record this contact and do some form of investigation, even if it’s just a phone call.  At least this will give the sister a heads up that she is on the radar and maybe influence her decisions.

I don’t disagree with you but I fear that a side effect of this could be cutting the OP even further out of the lives of his family. This would make it harder to be available to protect the niece if she does need that outlet. I don’t know what the right answer is.

[former player]

Cassie, in my experience working with CPS staff, anyone can call them with such concerns.  They are then obligated to record this contact and do some form of investigation, even if it’s just a phone call.  At least this will give the sister a heads up that she is on the radar and maybe influence her decisions.

I don’t disagree with you but I fear that a side effect of this could be cutting the OP even further out of the lives of his family. This would make it harder to be available to protect the niece if she does need that outlet. I don’t know what the right answer is.

A private talk with the niece along the following lines would be a start:
1) anyone asking her to keep something a secret from her mom is doing a bad thing
2) no-one has the right to touch her physically without her permission, she always has the right to say no to any physical touch, and anyone who argues with her about it is a bad person and she needs to tell on them
3) she can always tell her uncle anything and he will keep her safe if she does

And repeat this message at regular intervals until the niece can repeat it verbatim, along with his phone number.

[Bettersafe]

It's driving me absolutely bonkers though.  At first I was suspicious, but gave the benefit of the doubt, but the more I think about it the less sense the entire story makes and it's driving me mad.  I am having a hard time focussing on anything else the last 2 days because I feel like I have an alarm inside my head screaming "danger! danger!" and it keeps getting louder and louder and I just can't ignore it.

This, alarm bells are going off inside my head as well...

I just hope your sister didn't sign anything this guy might have asked her to sign. And that your niece will be safe.

[Cassie]

I worked in child protection many years ago. It doesn’t warrant a call to the mom because nothing has happened. They are overworked to start with and worrying about future events isn’t actionable. I would stay close to the family so if questionable things happen the niece confides in you.

[marble_faun]

Yeah, it sounds premature to call CPS.  It might seem like frugalnacho is threatening to have the sister's child taken away, and that would drive a wedge between him and his family while not actually helping anything.

That said, frugalnacho, you do have to decide how intrusive you want to be about this.  I think it is your circus and your monkeys if you care about your family members.  But you do risk offending them by digging deeper than they would like, so it would be worth considering how far in that direction you want to go. 

My vote is still for the "just trying to be helpful" gambit so you can gather more information without ruffling feathers, but there's also the "surreptitiously collecting DNA sample" gambit and the "hiring a private investigator" gambit, among others.