Finding a lost identity, or reestablishing a new one

[frugalnacho]

This is going to sound bizarre, because it absolutely is.  I won't give too many personal details, but may need some guidance because I don't know where to go, so here goes.

This person was supposedly born in 1984.  At age 10 his mother, father, and brother were in a fatal car accident and he went to live with his aunt in florida (1994).  He was homeschooled (his entire life) and lived with her from ages 7-10, at which point his aunt died (2001).  Having no other family or friends he simply left and was a transient living off the grid, and has been living off of the grid ever since.  He doesn't seem to exist in any official capacity.  With the help of a friend he was able to obtain a car and a fake ID, and has been living essentially off the grid.

He has no birth certificate, and doesn't know where he was born.  He doesn't have a SSN or SS card (he likely does have a SSN, but doesn't know it and no way to obtain it).  He remembers his mother, father, and brother's names, but no one can find any evidence of their demise or even their existence.  He's unsure of the full legal name of his aunt, and can't find any information regarding her life or death.  He doesn't remember his previous addresses, or even the exact cities he lived in up to age 17. 

He can't get an ID because he has no documentation to prove who he is.  He can't get a social security card for the same reason, and doesn't know what the number is.  He can't get a birth certificate for the same reasons, and also he doesn't know where he was born or details of his family like maiden name, or even the correct spelling of his family's names.  He thinks he knows his full legal name and birthdate, but has no documentation to prove anything, and can't obtain any of the documentation because they all circularly require each other to obtain any of them.  He's been to lawyers to sort this out, and they apparently threw their hands up and shrugged saying there is nothing they can do because they can't prove who he is, and it's apparently hard to just establish a legitimate identity out of thin air.  So they all hit road blocks, and tell him they can't help him.

It sounds tragic and plausible on one hand, but also sounds like the plot of a lifetime movie where he's running a deep con job on the other hand.  I have no idea.  I don't know how truthful or accurate any of the statements are, i'm simply relaying the information as it was given to me.  But he's involved with a family member of mine.  He appears completely genuine, and wants to marry this family member, but they can't legally marry because he doesn't have an identity.   If this is a grift or a con, then I don't understand it or what the end goal is.  He appears to have nothing to gain from this family member, but maybe I just can't see the angle he's working.  I suppose he could make off with a car, or the furniture or something, but there is nothing of real value to take, and he's had plenty of opportunity over the last 1+ year if that was actually the goal, plus the fact that he's been actively involved with the family so much at this point makes his effort/reward ratio so skewed that I have doubts it's some kind of grift.  The most plausible scenarios to me are that he's hiding his identity because he already has a family and the grift is having a second secret family, or that his story is legitimate.   

Assuming his story is legit, what does he do at this point?  Is it possible to recover his identification? Is it possible to start over and obtain a new ID? I imagine it's a pain in the ass, otherwise every felon or immigrant would simply "obtain a new identity" and start fresh as an american citizen with a blank slate. 

[Sibley]

Wow. Assuming that is the truth, my suggestion would be to look into what they do with people who have completely lost their memories and there's no external sources of identification. I'm guessing it's not many.

A social worker might be able to provide some concrete advice though.

[LWYRUP]

When I read this, I also thought, maybe he is concealing his identity because he's got some skeletons in his closet (child molestation charges?  murder?) so he doesn't want anyone to find out his real identity. 

Part of the story seems plausible but not the part where he doesn't remember where he lived.  As a little kid, maybe.  Not after about 7-8 though. 

[terran]

Wow, that is quite a story.

I suppose the other possible "con" is that he's from another country and doesn't want to admit that he's an illegal immigrant so he's come up with this story instead. Even if that's not the case, and his story is totally legit, I suspect that's the system he's fighting against. Anything that would stop an illegal immigrant from establishing an identity in this country is the same thing that would stop him.

It seems like if he could just find a birth certificate that would solve all of this even if it means establishing a new social security number. Have they looked into hiring a private investigator to try to track down his deceased family based on what he does remember?

Would he be able to retrace his steps to find where he lived with his aunt (maybe even through google maps to start)? If she owned the house it would be pretty easy to get/confirm her name from property records, and if not he might be able to track down the landlord from the right time period in the same way. Similarly for his parents, although it sounds like maybe he doesn't even remember what state he lived in?

[seemsright]

I think if this was true and he truly did not know...I think hiring a PI would be the best bet.

[Frankies Girl]

Something most definitely is off about the story.

IANAL... It sounds like he was either told incorrect information regarding deceased (or not) family names, or he is saying he was told this.

Plausible scenarios:

1. He's misremembering either names or locations. The fact that he did not establish a correct identity when moving in with aunt as a child, despite the idea that he was homeschooled - makes this less likely, because aunt knew who this kid was and if was an actual relative and not just someone that called herself his aunt, she knew the names of her sister or brother that was killed where he lived and all that, and could easily have obtained adoption/records of her nephew.

Age 10 when family died? A 10 year old knows his family's names, his addresses and phone numbers. He knows his city and state and friends that lived on his street and things he used to like doing in his town. You state that he said he went to live with his aunt at age 10 when the accident happened but then state he told you he was homeschooled (by his parents and then his aunt) so he has conveniently removed the possibility of tracing through a school - notice that? All it would take is contacting the school as they have birth/ss numbers and all that jazz... interesting.

So being homeschooled, he must have known his house VERY well. The fact he can't remember his street or town he lived in even? No way. 

No way a 10 year old doesn't know that stuff easily. I could tell you NOW where I lived and even phone numbers of many of the places I lived and my family moved 5 times during my middle school years - I still know generally where to look even decades later.

2. He is not who he was told he was. Aunt isn't really an aunt. He could be a kidnapped kid, aunt could be kidnapper or nice but loony person that took kid from kidnapper or something else. His aunt could have told him tons of lies and brainwashed him.

As the aunt died after he was in either 17-18, this seems unlikely that he himself wasn't able to get the correct information if provided from his aunt as he wasn't a child any more. How did he deal with the body? Funeral for aunt? Did they literally not know anyone? Where did he live with this aunt - owned house or rented? Because they'd HAVE THE INFO ON HER from those records and it would have been able to trace him if he was related to her through HER information if legit relative.

A lawyer would have been able to trace his origins if they had information regarding the aunt's relationship and was telling the truth. Records do not just disappear and most lawyers are able to hire skip tracers/investigators that would have found the guy's family if they were given rough ideas even - they deal with misspelled names, regions and possible town names all the time. 

And even if he literally did not exist like he's been telling everyone - a lawyer would know how to go about establishing a legal identity in the U.S. so he could work, pay taxes, vote, get insurance, etc., so the fact that this guy is in his mid to late 30s, this is shady as hell and the family member needs to take a GIANT step back.

He could have a criminal record. He could have a secret family elsewhere or already be married and have circumstances where he won't file for a divorce, he could be a really dumb person that thinks this is all just over his head and not worth taking care of despite the fact that if he's literally innocent about his circumstances, his living this way forces others to work around him (your family member can't ever get married if she wants to marry this guy? So what about if she shacks up with him - she's on the hook for taxes, insurance if he drives her car, burns down her house, what if he hits someone in her vehicle and hurts them? He will never be able to get a legitimate job and he's carrying forged ID - illegal stuff all over the place... )

Someone is not telling the truth.  I think it's him, but you can't do much of anything other than maybe get REALLY involved if you want to protect her and offer to pay for a detective and get ALL the information from him he has - photocopies of any current id papers (like his driver's lisence since he had to get that info from somewhere and can check to see if it's actually really fake or a real one). Contact a lawyer to establish his identity. Make sure to get him fingerprinted and should submit DNA to the lost children database/ancestry searches as well. There's no way he's likely to do all that, and if so - you have a stronger reason to know he's lying/using your family member.

[Boll weevil]

First thing I would consider are fingerprints. It’s possible his fingerprints were taken as a child, and most (but not all) states forward their fingerprints to the FBI for their AFIS database. But then he could get in trouble for the fake ID, so maybe not.

Next option would be genetic genealogy. I think most companies offer lists of probable relatives, and you could also upload the profile to GEDmatch for an even wider search.  It would take some detective work, but they can detect relatives up to eighth cousins (whatever that means) and then you’d have to work through the family trees. Hopefully that would get you names and a birthdate

[bacchi]

Have him submit his DNA (with someone trustworthy watching him take the saliva test and someone trustworthy mailing the envelope). If any living relatives, like cousins, have  been tested, that's a good start. If he was kidnapped, his parents have probably been tested. If he avoids taking the test, something fishy is going on.


Eta: Oops, I didn't finish Frankies Girl's post first. She suggested doing fingerprints and DNA above ^^^.

[AerynLee]

I read a story of a similar situation in Indiana a while back of a 17 year old trying to get his identity and so the story seems plausible to me. Especially if the aunt was a renter who moved around (why bother remembering an address if life is so impermanent?).

An idea that may help if his story is true, doing a 23andMe test. It could connect him with blood relatives and they can help piece things together enough for him to get his birth certificate.

[parkerk]

Seconding the suggestion of a social worker, particularly if you can find one who's worked with homeless people or refugees as they'll probably have experience with having to get ID documents for someone who doesn't have any.  As mentioned, a PI would probably be the next stop.  Sounds like someone needs to do a serious deep dive into searching out information based on the few things he does know like his family's names and such.

Now, my slightly more out there suggestion would be to find a psychiatrist or therapist of some kind who has experience in helping people to unlock repressed childhood memories.  The fact that he doesn't know the name of the city he lived in when he was a teenager seems like the kind of thing that he probably knew at some point, even if he's forgotten. 

It's weird to me that the lawyers he's consulted couldn't help at all or even make suggestions about what else to try.  How many did he talk to?  If he can afford it, it might be worth getting a few more opinions.

[bacchi]

It's weird to me that the lawyers he's consulted couldn't help at all or even make suggestions about what else to try.  How many did he talk to?  If he can afford it, it might be worth getting a few more opinions.

Or he didn't really consult with any lawyers.

[frugalnacho]

His aunt died when he was 17 and he moved out on his own.  By "on his own" I believe he may have been homeless or couch surfing.  I believe most of his adult life has been spent living in a camper and taking jobs under the table. 

It seems ludicrous to me that someone at age 17 wouldn't have the wherewithal to find some stuff out and make records of it, but then again he never spent a day in school and his entire education (book and street learning) was done from within his home, and no idea how suitable that was.  I know people in their 30's that had the advantage of a full education, involved parents, plentiful documentation of their lives, and they still don't have their shit together, so if he was completely sheltered it seems mildly plausible to me.  He may not have even been aware of birth certificate or SSNs and their importance if he was never exposed to that, or anything really.  Combined with the trauma that would come from having your entire family die at age 10, then living with some aunt you barely know until age 17 when she died, might fuck you up a bit and you may not retain great memories from childhood.   It's entirely possible he is misremembering things as well, and he doesn't know a lot of detail.  Kidnapping a baby and renaming them seems plausible, but by age 10 he should know his own name and birthday, so it seems unlikely he was renamed without being aware of it.

There is some dispute over what his aunt's name even was.  He remembers calling her by one name, but it may have not been her legal name.  And at this point he doesn't remember the address or even the city they lived in.  He says he moved a bunch of times during his entire childhood and doesn't recall any addresses or city, nothing more specific than state level most of the time.  He's tried to find death records of his aunt, but ran into a dead end and couldn't find anything.  I have no idea how extensive the search actually was though as I was not involved. 

I also think his aunt was adopted, as well as his father.  So no idea if dad and aunt grew up together, or what the dynamic of that family was.  As far as I know he is only aware of 4 family members total, all dead now (mom, dad, brother, aunt).

First cousins share a grandparent, second cousins share a great grandparent, etc. So 8th cousins would share a (great)^7 grandparent. 

[parkerk]

It's weird to me that the lawyers he's consulted couldn't help at all or even make suggestions about what else to try.  How many did he talk to?  If he can afford it, it might be worth getting a few more opinions.

Or he didn't really consult with any lawyers.

Lol yeah, point.  I was just operating under frugalnacho's question of "assuming his story is legit, what next?" in giving my thoughts.   

I brought it up because -- having known a couple of people who aren't terribly fond of "the system" or savvy enough to navigate it -- it's possible that "I tried" for this guy means that he had short initial consults with one or two lawyers and they weren't helpful so he gave up on that angle.  And there are a bunch of reasons why that's not necessarily suspect.  He might genuinely believe that they did all they could and he won't get any farther that way.  He might not be motivated enough to try any harder.  He might not be able to afford more of their time.  Without actually knowing this guy it's hard to say.

[frugalnacho]

It's weird to me that the lawyers he's consulted couldn't help at all or even make suggestions about what else to try.  How many did he talk to?  If he can afford it, it might be worth getting a few more opinions.

Or he didn't really consult with any lawyers.

Family member went with him to a lawyer and said it was no help.  She says no one is willing to help because no one believes the story. 

Family member also claims he submitted a sample to 23andme already, but results have been significantly delayed due to covid.  Looking at the 23andme website it seems like they are still claiming results are obtained in 2-3 weeks, and also appears they've done some studies into covid-19 and blood type.  So this piece of the puzzle isn't really adding up to me.

ETA: also not sure how useful genetic testing will be if everyone in his family was adopted

[parkerk]

Okay, another "out there" suggestion would be to start shopping his story around to true crime/unsolved mysteries type podcasters or other media outlets.  (This would require that he be willing to expose his life to public scrutiny so again, it's not necessarily suspect if he doesn't want to do that)  Some of these people are really good at digging into stuff and it's exactly the kind of wild "plot of a Lifetime movie" type of story that catches people's attention.  It would be kind of like getting a PI for free, plus widespread attention that might catch someone's eye.

Of course there are a ton of potential downsides to this plan (scammers coming forward claiming to be family, attacks by critics who say he's making it up, the general fickleness of public opinion, etc.).  But crazy problems might require crazy solutions!

[mozar]

I know some one who was adopted, and her mother was also adopted, but everyone? Come on. I agree he's lying or was lied to. A PI should be able to help.

[Frankies Girl]

It's weird to me that the lawyers he's consulted couldn't help at all or even make suggestions about what else to try.  How many did he talk to?  If he can afford it, it might be worth getting a few more opinions.

Or he didn't really consult with any lawyers.

Family member went with him to a lawyer and said it was no help.  She says no one is willing to help because no one believes the story. 

Family member also claims he submitted a sample to 23andme already, but results have been significantly delayed due to covid.  Looking at the 23andme website it seems like they are still claiming results are obtained in 2-3 weeks, and also appears they've done some studies into covid-19 and blood type.  So this piece of the puzzle isn't really adding up to me.

ETA: also not sure how useful genetic testing will be if everyone in his family was adopted

Oh of course EVERYONE was adopted! That makes TOTAL sense! And adoptions are never verified or filed are they? Families built through adoptions are just impossible to track down...
/s
(not at you OP, but wow this guy has an answer for everything. Is your family member typically this trusting?)

Genetic testing is VERY useful EVEN if he was adopted. The person that gave him up for adoption would know at least the name of the family he went to if it was a total under the table adoption, or the region they were freaking born in at the very least. But most adoptions do keep careful records of birth/names/locations/adopted family. In many cases, adoptions are MORE detailed that birthfamily births because if run through an agency - they make you submit family history, interview friends/family and have to approve adoptive families through the state.


DNA and fingerprinting were both been widely available before COVID19. So why is he saying he just now thought about doing this? He's got to be 36-38 ish years old. Did anyone witness the taking of the actual test and the actual putting it in the mail without any possibility of him sneaking it back out? Because if he really had no idea and just did this stuff NOW... that in itself is highly suspicious.

Nothing adds up. No one is this completely clueless and there are too many far-fetched reasons for why he has no past/identity.
And no lawyer is going to "help" someone if they aren't paid, so he would need to PAY a lawyer/investigator to find records. Skip tracer investigators are very good and would be able to work with stuff like this easily and would not "throw their hands up in the air" if they're being paid for a job. But again, there is no way a 17 year old forgets where he lives, had never looked at a single piece of mail that came to the house, doesn't know his family member's first and last names...

I personally know someone that did have traumatic memory loss/repressed memories due to abuse. Wiped it clean from their mind like the abuse never happened. Discovered it after being low grade depressed and hurting themselves and got into therapy and on antidepressants and the memories came back suddenly and (unfortunately) crystal clear. Granted my experience is anecdotal, but we all did extensive reading/working with this person in counseling for support - and you do not forget EVERYTHING - names, places lived, city or states of long residences even with repressed memory. He obviously remembered being home schooled and things learned? So why doesn't he have total blanks for that stuff as well as his identifying information?

The family member - the one that is seeing him? - is biased and willing to believe his story. She (assume but apologies if it is he) assumes this person has been honest with them. So telling this same story to a lawyer (she went to an actual law office with this guy, legit place of business, not a meetup in a Starbucks or anything?)? It sounds like lawyer did NOT believe it and was telling them to hopefully clue your family member in that it isn't possible and the boyfriend is hiding/lying about something (or everything).

So long story made longer: he (really, one of you concerned about family member that is hooking up with this guy) needs to HIRE a lawyer or detective that specializes in tracing missing persons and have this guy submit officially/witnessed for fingerprinting/DNA and turn over any and all information he can remember, as they can do records searches, things like publish inquiries in all the local newspapers in the general region he remembers living for anyone that has information on his family and remembers the events that occurred. He HAS to remember living in Florida as a teen? If he can't remember the house/apartment he lived in with his aunt at age 17... that's just BS. Even Realtors can see who filed/owned the property and get the aunt's correct legal name. If she rented, the landlord would have that on file somewhere. Census for goodness sake!

It will take money and time - and he should be scrutinized by someone OTHER than the family member to keep track of the information he's giving and making sure it matches what was already told.

But honestly, depending on how much you care about family member - if they're a grown adult, then they really should have the right to decide they trust this guy or not - but I would definitely talk to her/him about trusting is fine, but verify facts as much as you can and do not put themselves in any position to be hurt or taken advantage of.

But they're likely being lied to at best. At worst, make sure to check in on them regularly and maybe get a good photo of the guy and fingerprints yourself if you care that much, but at least you can find out about running them in the event she/he goes missing. :(

[frugalnacho]

I know some one who was adopted, and her mother was also adopted, but everyone? Come on. I agree he's lying or was lied to. A PI should be able to help.

Not everyone was adopted, just his dad and aunt.  Mom was an only biological child.  No other aunts/uncles.  So genetics related to his paternal side are likely to be dead ends.  Maybe they'll find something on the maternal side though.

It doesn't sound implausible for his dad to have been from a family with 2 adopted children and no bio children. 

[frugalnacho]

Yea I don't disagree with you that nothing adds up, hence the thread.  I was just clued into this a couple days ago, and most of the details not until today.  This thread is my attempt to make sense of it and get to the bottom of it.

It really doesn't make sense, but also I can't figure out the grift, especially as he seems completely genuine.  What purpose would all this deception serve? Hiding something criminal?

[bacchi]

He can see where his sample is in the process. Has the sample arrived at the lab? Is it being prepped?

https://customercare.23andme.com/hc/en-us/articles/202904740-When-Will-My-DNA-Test-Results-Be-Ready-

Or he can try ancestry, which has no processing delay either.

https://support.ancestry.com/s/article/Frequently-Asked-Questions-about-COVID-19-AncestryDNA

4. Are there delays in shipping?
Our shipping timeframes remain unchanged. However, due to the current COVID-19 crisis, shipping times may be affected. We appreciate your understanding if we experience any delivery delays.

 
5. Are there delays in processing?
No. Our standard processing time and customer promise remains unchanged.

[frugalnacho]

The family member he is involved with took him to a lawyer, but nothing came of it.

A different family member, also looking out for their fellow family members, also took him to a lawyer and they tried to track down his family but resulted in dead ends.   So maybe he gave fake names? Or maybe he didn't know the names? Seems like they'd be able to find something though.  How is a family of 3 going to die in a car crash, and there is no record of it that a lawyer can track down?  Makes no fucking sense.  I know it was 26 years ago, but with that much information you should be able to triangulate something.

Some of this information is being compiled in real time and my head is spinning.

[LifeHappens]

It really doesn't make sense, but also I can't figure out the grift, especially as he seems completely genuine.  What purpose would all this deception serve? Hiding something criminal?

The best grifters do seem completely genuine.

As you have relayed more and more of this person's story, it seems like waaaay too much. The odds of someone having all those things happen to them and having so few memories about it are vanishingly small.

The simplest explanation is he is hiding some bad stuff in his past. Criminal record, second family, etc. Another possibility is he is exploiting your family member somehow. My first guess would be credit abuse, because that's a simple thing to do to someone who is overly trusting.

[Frankies Girl]

Yea I don't disagree with you that nothing adds up, hence the thread.  I was just clued into this a couple days ago, and most of the details not until today.  This thread is my attempt to make sense of it and get to the bottom of it.

It really doesn't make sense, but also I can't figure out the grift, especially as he seems completely genuine.  What purpose would all this deception serve? Hiding something criminal?

Possible reasons:

Criminal

Already married (maybe even multiple marriages and lots of kids and child support trying to find him)

running from bad situation but not wanting to explain (serious issues with family of origin/gang/embarrassed about past)

Mental illness/drama (narcissistic borderline personality disordered people LOVE lying about stuff like this and get a sick thrill/feed off of using others)

Run of the mill manipulative leech that prays on the trusting/gullible (the con here could be just wanting a stable relationship they can bail on easily while having the partner having to take on the responsibility for bills/debts/etc - all house and taxes and insurance and everything is going to be in your family member's name as she's the only one that can get things legally so he can bail whenever and she's left holding the notes)

Scary stuff like planning on getting her under his control and then isolating her (he has to live off grid - it's not his fault! Come one baby, your family is against our looooove so we don't need them!) The end game here is to eventually use them to abuse/kill/use for sex work/etc. (this is obviously the worst case).

[scantee]

How does he behave interpersonally when you or your family members interact with him? Does he come across as fairly normal?

When I was a social worker in child protection I was involved in a few cases of children who had the sort of undocumented existences you describe here. The thing about them is that they all came across as odd in their behavior. Which makes sense given the circumstances. If you haven’t been out in society in the ways people typically are you’re going to have a lot of behaviors that will seem strange and maladaptive to most people.

If this guy does come across as obviously different in his speech patterns, behaviors, ways of relating to others that is somewhat a point in favor of his story. I would be pretty suspicious of someone with this backstory who you are able to interact with in the same way you would with your family and friends.

[parkerk]

How is a family of 3 going to die in a car crash, and there is no record of it that a lawyer can track down?  Makes no fucking sense.  I know it was 26 years ago, but with that much information you should be able to triangulate something.

I agree, and this part definitely sounds like a job for a PI.  Lawyers are great with a lot of things but tracking down information isn't really their specialty.  A PI could help with the evidence gathering phase of things and then a lawyer could be brought in to try and do something with it. 

And if he's resistant to working with the PI that's another point of information about how genuine he is in all this.

[frugalnacho]

Comes across as normal I guess? He seems quiet and soft spoken.  I don't know, I'm terrible at interpersonal relationships and I don't interact with anyone very much.

[former player]

It's plausible that lawyers wouldn't be interested in this story: there is obviously no money, no potential financial pay-off and a lot of potentially futile work involved.   A social worker might be a better bet.

I'm less inclined than others here to disbelieve this person's story.  The USA is the "land of the free", right?  This sort of situation is entirely plausible in a laissez faire society such as that.  Don't forget that there are at least 10 million undocumented immigrants in the USA.  Why wouldn't there also be undocumented citizens?  There may not even be a birth certificate for this person to find: who is to say that his parents ever registered his birth?  He was always home schooled, which suggests parents and an aunt who chose not to interact with the state in that respect and may have chosen not to interact with the state for any other purpose.

As for not knowing his address, how was he to know it if he wasn't taught it?  If he never had to write it out on any official forms?  If letters never arrived or he never saw them?  I think people shouldn't ignore how much they learn about the world and their place in it from going out into the world, principally through school and hobbies.  If you don't have school and hobby groups the chances of big gaps in your experience and knowledge of the world are great.

I'd also point out that this person knew at least one thing I wouldn't have a clue about: how to get a fake identity.  That speaks to me of someone who has lived a very different life from my safe and secure and entirely within the rules upbringing.

I'd wonder whether the car accident might be a way into finding out something about this person's identity?  Fatal road accidents are the subject of records, and the death of a family of 3 is notable and may have made the newspapers.  The year of 1994 and a region of the country if not an exact State could also help, as could any details of the car and circumstances of the accident that the person recalls.

Something no-one else has mentioned would be a concern that this person might be taken to be an unlawful immigrant and encounter ICE as such.  If any official enquiries are to be made I would be very cautious to ensure that they did not raise concerns of this nature - without an obvious other country to deport someone to they could get lost in the system, and possibly in detention, for a very long time.

[scantee]

Comes across as normal I guess? He seems quiet and soft spoken.  I don't know, I'm terrible at interpersonal relationships and I don't interact with anyone very much.

One obvious  way maladaptive behaviors show up in people with histories like this is around food. They haven’t had access to food consistently or food has purposefully been kept from them as a form of abuse. So you‘ll see behaviors like embarrassment/unwillingness to eat in front of others, food hoarding/stealing, or binging (in preparation for an expected famine period).

Also inappropriate sexualizing of non-sexual situations.

I would start from a place from skepticism but would look for clues like this. Counterintuitively you sort of WANT to see strange behaviors from this guy because it lends some credence to his story. If he is like some charismatic, nice-seeming dude who comes off as completely normal I would assume it is a con.

[charis]

There are ways to obtain information about vital records in a given state, if they exist.  The internet can be very helpful in digging up old info - search by last name and "car accident" and the state.  I think the story is dubious, but not because it can't happen, but that he doesn't remember/know the names of any family members or cities that he lived in growing up.  I can see how he might get things confused or misremember them, but he doesn't remember anything to work off of?

[Duke03]

First things first if his parents really did die in a car wreck no way in hell his Aunt passed up on collecting Social Security Benefits he would be due since his parents died.  I don't care how dumb someone is no one is going to let that money go unclaimed each month especially when they are raising someone else's child.....  So if his story is true then Social Security would have his info.  Call me jaded, but this story of his wreaks of total bullshit.  Especially the part where he has an answer for every question.  I'm not saying he's hiding anything criminal or dangerous, but maybe he truly likes living off the grid and wants to be invisible to the big bad government.  If that's the case fine just be honest about it.  Don't lie to the people you claim to love.

[bacchi]

There may not even be a birth certificate for this person to find: who is to say that his parents ever registered his birth?  He was always home schooled, which suggests parents and an aunt who chose not to interact with the state in that respect and may have chosen not to interact with the state for any other purpose.

This happened recently to a doctor friend. She got a call from someone who had a home birth, with no one around during the birth but her husband (no midwife, doula, etc.), and was having trouble getting a birth certificate. The mother wanted the doctor to "witness" the birth. (Uh, no.)

However, given all the reasons this person has set out, AND that 23andme is experiencing significant covid delays, is an alarm bell. Either 23andme is lying, and no one else on the internet has noticed, or this person is lying. Or that the sample was lost in the mail. Either way, that's easily checked by this person logging into their 23andme account to check the DNA progress. If he paid for the kit, he has an account.

[Metalcat]

A couple and their child dying in a car crash should be a very searchable event, even if all he knows is the state he was living in.

If he actually wanted to know this information, it's very findable.

There are only two explanations for his current predicament, either he's lying or he has some kind of mental challenges or trauma that render him incapable of managing this situation.

The simpler and far more probable explanation is lying. The story is bizarre, the details improbable, and hiding a past is just far more likely and believable. That doesn't mean the alternative is impossible.

However, what really matters is this person's willingness and ability to solve this. If they're lying, they'll generate excuses as to why solutions won't work. If they aren't lying and are resistant to problem solving, then that's also a major concern.

Granted, this all depends on how involved you want to get. If you want to inject yourself into the situation, then I would start with simply asking probing questions about his childhood, just to get a sense of what he does remember.

What were holidays like? What did home schooling involve? Does he remember anything about his parents or aunt working? What were his houses like? Does he remember anything distinctive about his neighbourhoods? His neighbours? Friends? Does he remember anything about local news radio or TV?

Kids can forget a lot, but the memories they do form are very strong and often quite detailed.

If he's lying about his entire past, he'll probably try to apply the same haze to most answers. The best liars incorporate the truth 99% of the time and hide a strategic lie within it, and those are difficult to detect, but broad strokes fake past, that's really tough to fabricate and maintain, and will usually devolve into defensiveness.

If he seems open, genuinely invested in solving this mystery, and keen on engaging outside help, then as others have said, social workers and/or private investigators would be a great next step.

Still, my money is on liar.

[GuitarStv]

My grandmother (before she died a few years back) didn't have a birth certificate, and couldn't get a passport because of this.  I don't remember the whole story, but apparently a long while back there was a fire that damaged the paper records of her birth . . . and that was the end of that.  She never was able to get another one.

So, while you certainly should approach this whole story with an awful lot of caution . . . weird stuff happens sometimes, and occasionally people do fall through the cracks of an administration.

[frugalnacho]

Comes across as normal I guess? He seems quiet and soft spoken.  I don't know, I'm terrible at interpersonal relationships and I don't interact with anyone very much.

One obvious  way maladaptive behaviors show up in people with histories like this is around food. They haven’t had access to food consistently or food has purposefully been kept from them as a form of abuse. So you‘ll see behaviors like embarrassment/unwillingness to eat in front of others, food hoarding/stealing, or binging (in preparation for an expected famine period).

Also inappropriate sexualizing of non-sexual situations.

I would start from a place from skepticism but would look for clues like this. Counterintuitively you sort of WANT to see strange behaviors from this guy because it lends some credence to his story. If he is like some charismatic, nice-seeming dude who comes off as completely normal I would assume it is a con.

Doesn't seem like a charismatic person, just an average person I'd say.  But now that I'm thinking about it, I don't think I've actually witnessed this person eat in front of me even though we've had meals together.  I thought it was odd that everyone was grabbing pizza, but he just said he was going to eat later.  I just shrugged it off at the time as maybe he wasn't hungry, but I don't think I've seen him eat at the other meals either.  Based on his physique he obviously eats though, or he's a very poorly designed cyborg.  Or maybe a very well designed one since I'm not even remotely suspicious he's a cyborg. 

[Metalcat]

Comes across as normal I guess? He seems quiet and soft spoken.  I don't know, I'm terrible at interpersonal relationships and I don't interact with anyone very much.

One obvious  way maladaptive behaviors show up in people with histories like this is around food. They haven’t had access to food consistently or food has purposefully been kept from them as a form of abuse. So you‘ll see behaviors like embarrassment/unwillingness to eat in front of others, food hoarding/stealing, or binging (in preparation for an expected famine period).

Also inappropriate sexualizing of non-sexual situations.

I would start from a place from skepticism but would look for clues like this. Counterintuitively you sort of WANT to see strange behaviors from this guy because it lends some credence to his story. If he is like some charismatic, nice-seeming dude who comes off as completely normal I would assume it is a con.

This. Totally.

If it's trauma or mental challenges that are holding him back, then his behaviour would likely be aberrant in notable ways.

[charis]

I had a childhood neighbor that I could easily picture concocting this entire story just because he would enjoy seeing how people acted and reacted.  He was soft spoken, unassuming, and constantly lied to and manipulated others for no apparent reason.   

Here, if the story was made up (names, events, places, dates), then researching it would be always dead end, right? 

[CNM]

A couple and their child dying in a car crash should be a very searchable event, even if all he knows is the state he was living in.

If he actually wanted to know this information, it's very findable.

Exactly this.  If he were to google the state of the crash (can't remember exactly? then whichever states he suspects) with a fatal car crash in which both parents and a child died, even if he does not know his parents' names, especially if he has an idea of the year, it would come up.  An accident like that would have been newsworthy for sure and uncommon.  Maybe there will be a few hundred at the outside, but that is not all that many to look through.  Where I live, a crash like that would be headline news across the state, probably for several days or on an ongoing basis as facts and developments arise.

Also, as an above-poster mentioned, yes, I have heard of the unusual circumstance of a 17 or 18 year old who was brought up under the radar - home birth, home school, no vaccinations, no social security number, etc. But not only are those exceedingly rare, but these kids realize it almost immediately (see 17 and 18) and then usually take steps to rectify it so they can get a job, go to school, open a bank account, and so on.  This guy is almost 40 years old?!? and hasn't taken these steps?!? Very very strange.  I would strongly suspect that something else is going on.

[Imma]

There are definitely places on the internet where people would be totally willing to help (like https://www.reddit.com/r/UnresolvedMysteries/ )

Due to his upbringing he may not know about the specific name of places he has lived in, but if he can give a vague description, people can track that place down for him. And a car accident like that gets reported about in local news. There are databases with newspaper archives. If it happened it will be found. If it was reported, he can then try to get his hands on the police file to find out where his family lived and where his parents got married. These are important clues to find a birth certificate.

I also agree that it's unlikely that this aunt didn't claim any benefits she was entitled to. Especially if they didn't have a lot of money. I don't want to sound disrespectful but when I worked for welfare 10 years ago I was very surprised that a lot of people who can barely read and are rarely sober are able to file the correct paperwork for free government money.

[mjb]

Harsh take alert!

The bigger question no one is asking here: why is your family member considering marrying this person?

Either he's lying, has significant and untreated trauma, or simply doesn't have his shit together. ANY of those reasons should be a red flag to your family member. Marriage should be a partnership -- how can anyone expect to build a equitable, loving marriage on such a foundation?

Your family member can absolutely help this person navigate getting their life sorted out without getting married.

[Kwill]

This is such a strange story that I'm posting so that I can eventually find out how it turns out. It sounds very unlikely that he is being completely honest, but I don't have any more information than anyone else.

I also would suggest DNA test or two as a starting point. I found Ancestry.com very interesting. It turned up a handful of second and third cousins who I knew already, along with strangers who are more distantly related. I think if I hadn't known the surnames in my extended family or what regions of the country they lived in, it would have been especially helpful. Also, you can download the dna raw data to upload onto other sites to analyse with different tools. If I were in the situation the OP has described, I might even contact the closest relatives on there and maybe meet them or send photos. They might be able to tell by looking at me what side we were related on. But that's if he really doesn't know who he is and wants to.

[ysette9]

Has he ever had medical care! Vaccinations? Dental care? I have a hard time seeing him getting that with no ID and I also find it hard to imagine someone in their mid 30s going this far in life with neither health nor dental care.

I’ll agree with all the others that a PI is the way to go. Too bad we can’t hire Kinsey Milhone to crack the case.

[Plina]

My grandmother (before she died a few years back) didn't have a birth certificate, and couldn't get a passport because of this.  I don't remember the whole story, but apparently a long while back there was a fire that damaged the paper records of her birth . . . and that was the end of that.  She never was able to get another one.

So, while you certainly should approach this whole story with an awful lot of caution . . . weird stuff happens sometimes, and occasionally people do fall through the cracks of an administration.

You always learn interesting things here. It is difficult to understand that the authorities can’t fix the situation. Here the births are registered at the tax authority when you are born. You can print a birth certificate out of their webpage but it is not something you need for the passport.

[PMG]

What a mess. I’ve worked with people in deep poverty, and people in deep cults and kids who have been isolated.  Some of his story rings true to the levels of capacity (or lack of capacity) and function I see those kids have now as young adults. I had dinner with a 22 year old who could not order off a menu. That was a skill i thought he could have at least learned from TV.

I’m curious what he does know. What was he taught?  What’s his 80s & 90s pop culture knowledge and casual conversation like?  What are his current hobbies and interests and what about childhood hobbies and interests? It would be really hard to keep up this story for long. 

if he were kidnapped at a young age, put through unknown trauma, told many conflicting stories, or purposefully kept from interacting with people, I can imagine some truth to not remembering much.  But by 17, he ought to have some info from that time, but it could also be lost in trauma.

I have nothing real to add to this conversation.  It sounds far too unbelievable, but it’s interesting enough that I would do some google sleuthing.

[frugalnacho]

Has he ever had medical care! Vaccinations? Dental care? I have a hard time seeing him getting that with no ID and I also find it hard to imagine someone in their mid 30s going this far in life with neither health nor dental care.

I’ll agree with all the others that a PI is the way to go. Too bad we can’t hire Kinsey Milhone to crack the case.

Supposedly no medical care other than a single visit to urgent care as an adult where he paid out of pocket.

I have no idea what his pop culture knowledge, etc is.  Like I said, I don't communicate very well even with people close in my life.  I have spoken to my brother in law only a handful of times, even though I was the officiant when he married my sister.  They're still married and now have 2 kids, and I don't even have his phone number in my phone.  And I've spent even less time talking to this guy.

I guess he was just a drifter with no education and no skills, until a friend pulled him under their wing and taught him carpentry and handyman skills.  He's been working as an independent contractor and collecting money under the table ever since.  He has done a significant amount of free work at my parents residence over the last year. 

[Duke03]

Has he ever had medical care! Vaccinations? Dental care? I have a hard time seeing him getting that with no ID and I also find it hard to imagine someone in their mid 30s going this far in life with neither health nor dental care.

I’ll agree with all the others that a PI is the way to go. Too bad we can’t hire Kinsey Milhone to crack the case.

Supposedly no medical care other than a single visit to urgent care as an adult where he paid out of pocket.

I have no idea what his pop culture knowledge, etc is.  Like I said, I don't communicate very well even with people close in my life.  I have spoken to my brother in law only a handful of times, even though I was the officiant when he married my sister.  They're still married and now have 2 kids, and I don't even have his phone number in my phone.  And I've spent even less time talking to this guy.

I guess he was just a drifter with no education and no skills, until a friend pulled him under their wing and taught him carpentry and handyman skills.  He's been working as an independent contractor and collecting money under the table ever since.  He has done a significant amount of free work at my parents residence over the last year.

I think you are on the right track and something in your gut has made you create this thread.  If I was you I'd keep asking questions and find out everything you need to know about this person.  Especially with him being involved with your family and being around everyone.  Call me crazy call me jaded call me what ever, but I don't just let anyone enter my family circle and especially start hanging around my elderly parents ect.  If this guy is a con he's probably in it for the long game.... steal just enough that no one notices or it's not worth bringing up to rock the boat...

[Paul der Krake]

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Likely a con, or an elaborate story concocted for whatever reason. People tell themselves stories all the time. Either way, don't get involved. Tell him to go to a social security office and let them figure out what questions to ask or who to assign to his case. If you've ever been to one, it's very evident from the people in the waiting room that a lot of them don't have their most basic shit together. They deal with "zombies" all the time. Let the professionals handle it.

[Psychstache]

Age 10 when family died? A 10 year old knows his family's names, his addresses and phone numbers. He knows his city and state and friends that lived on his street and things he used to like doing in his town. You state that he said he went to live with his aunt at age 10 when the accident happened but then state he told you he was homeschooled (by his parents and then his aunt) so he has conveniently removed the possibility of tracing through a school - notice that? All it would take is contacting the school as they have birth/ss numbers and all that jazz... interesting.

So being homeschooled, he must have known his house VERY well. The fact he can't remember his street or town he lived in even? No way. 

No way a 10 year old doesn't know that stuff easily. I could tell you NOW where I lived and even phone numbers of many of the places I lived and my family moved 5 times during my middle school years - I still know generally where to look even decades later.

While I also agree with exhibiting caution in general in this situation, I do want to circle back to this specific point.

I am the same age as this person (ish, 1985) and I lived in the same apartment complex when I was 0-10, then moved into a house when I was 11. I have had a fairly easy life with a pretty normal trajectory and minimal trauma. AND I am constantly called out for having an amazing recall and memory.

All that to say, I would not have the foggiest clue of the street name or location of said apartments. I know what city, but only because it is the same city as the house I lived in from 11+, and the city is one of the 5 largest in the US, so it wouldn't be much help.

Just sayin'.

[PMG]

If he’s had a lot of access to your parents house it might be a good idea for them to check out their credit activity and put a freeze on it.  Wanna give him the benefit of a doubt, but right now the story doesn’t add up.

[Imma]

Has he ever had medical care! Vaccinations? Dental care? I have a hard time seeing him getting that with no ID and I also find it hard to imagine someone in their mid 30s going this far in life with neither health nor dental care.

I’ll agree with all the others that a PI is the way to go. Too bad we can’t hire Kinsey Milhone to crack the case.

Supposedly no medical care other than a single visit to urgent care as an adult where he paid out of pocket.

I don't think that's super odd at his age. My partner is a similar age and fully insured and he hasn't needed a doctor or dentist in decades. He did get his childhood vaccines (but it's not like it's likely he'd have contracted polio or something if he hadn't been vaccinated, you're still protected by herd immunity) and I think the last time he needed a doctor was when he had a minor sports related injury when he was 16. I've tried to get him to a dentist but he doesn't want to, he has healthy looking teeth and no fillings. At this age a lot of healthy people don't need a lot of medical care and you can let some minor things go without facing the consequences yet.

Which doesn't mean there's not a slight smell coming off of this case.

[Paul der Krake]

Age 10 when family died? A 10 year old knows his family's names, his addresses and phone numbers. He knows his city and state and friends that lived on his street and things he used to like doing in his town. You state that he said he went to live with his aunt at age 10 when the accident happened but then state he told you he was homeschooled (by his parents and then his aunt) so he has conveniently removed the possibility of tracing through a school - notice that? All it would take is contacting the school as they have birth/ss numbers and all that jazz... interesting.

So being homeschooled, he must have known his house VERY well. The fact he can't remember his street or town he lived in even? No way. 

No way a 10 year old doesn't know that stuff easily. I could tell you NOW where I lived and even phone numbers of many of the places I lived and my family moved 5 times during my middle school years - I still know generally where to look even decades later.

While I also agree with exhibiting caution in general in this situation, I do want to circle back to this specific point.

I am the same age as this person (ish, 1985) and I lived in the same apartment complex when I was 0-10, then moved into a house when I was 11. I have had a fairly easy life with a pretty normal trajectory and minimal trauma. AND I am constantly called out for having an amazing recall and memory.

All that to say, I would not have the foggiest clue of the street name or location of said apartments. I know what city, but only because it is the same city as the house I lived in from 11+, and the city is one of the 5 largest in the US, so it wouldn't be much help.

Just sayin'.

Yup same thing here, super stable upbringing, in my early thirties now and I literally had to think for a full 30 seconds to determine which country I lived in when I was 10. Street address and phone numbers, loljk, not a chance. I tried to search for a park that I remembered on google street view and narrowed it down to... many different parks, who all have many different streets near them.