Would you/do you help pay off SO's student loans?

[purplish]

Just curious, if you got married, would you each put money towards your SO's student loan debt?  Or would you maintain separate finances?  Would you each put the same amount in?

[driftwood]

My opinion only:

I would consider the loan OUR debt once we got married.  So either the SO pays it off before we get married (if I didn't want that debt), or we get married and we pay it off together.

[Caoineag]

That would depend on whether you are doing joint or separate finances. Joint people would say all debt is joint and pay it off from one pot. People who do separate finances are the ones who might give you more varied answers.

When I got married we split up bills and each of us took our share of bills to keep track of just so one person wasn't doing it all. At that time, I was the only one paying on my student loan. We merged finances completely a couple of years later and I took over paying all bills. But we always had a joint finance mentality so we still just considered it a household debt.

[samburger]

I took on my wife's debt, yes. We have the same (or close enough) financial goals and priorities, so it made sense for us to share our debts as well as our assets.

[Bikeguy]

Do NOT pay anything off before marriage.   One guy flaked on a woman I know after her Dad paid off his student loans.  He called the wedding off a few weeks before the event.   Agree that after marriage, it makes sense.   Although I know a guy who came home early from a business trip.   Caught his wife of 3 weeks with another guy.   Had just paid off her student loans the week before.   I have no idea how I have two horrible student loan stories.   Water seeks it's own level,  I guess.  ☺

[La Bibliotecaria Feroz]

I would not marry someone unless I wanted to merge finances with them. If you don't trust the person enough to do that, don't marry them. If you want them to shoulder their debt burden alone, don't marry them. I agree that merging finances BEFORE marriage is neither necessary nor desirable.

My sister, a nurse, married a man with substantial consumer debt and limited earning potential. She took on all his credit card payments, supports him as a stay-at-home dad (to her two kids from previous marriages as well as their tot together), and I think their arrangement is that he gets to keep the leftover grocery money for his personal expenditures. It works for them!

[BBub]

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer, but the key is having an open line of communication with your SO.  Marriages can be successful with combined or separate finances, and the real danger is in letting your core values become misaligned.  If you are experiencing a disagreement on the subject of loans I recommend having a conversation with an open mind, and be willing to get creative and even consider meeting each other in the middle if that's what it takes.

We combined everything upon marriage to directly answer your question, but that doesn't work for all couples.

[th0rbahn]

If you have any common saving goals (i.e. down payment on a home), then it would make sense to. For example, say I can save 20K a year and my partner can save 10K and has 10K of student loan debt at the beginning of 2015. At the end of the year there will be 20K in the savings account either way, but if I help pay down the loan ASAP and then we both contribute to the down payment, a lot less interest will be paid and we can enjoy being debt free.

[Zikoris]

I would be extremely hesitant to be in a relationship at all with someone with debt, and I wouldn't pay off their loans for them. Consumer debt generally indicates a number of bad things about a person, including their decision making skills, future thinking, priorities, values, math skills, and propensity towards ER.

[purplish]

I would be extremely hesitant to be in a relationship at all with someone with debt, and I wouldn't pay off their loans for them. Consumer debt generally indicates a number of bad things about a person, including their decision making skills, future thinking, priorities, values, math skills, and propensity towards ER.

I'm not talking about consumer debt though, I'm talking about student loans.  One could argue debt is debt, but there are not many people who can afford to go to college paying it off as they go nowadays (unless they are receiving financial help).

[soccerluvof4]

I would be extremely hesitant to be in a relationship at all with someone with debt, and I wouldn't pay off their loans for them. Consumer debt generally indicates a number of bad things about a person, including their decision making skills, future thinking, priorities, values, math skills, and propensity towards ER.

I'm not talking about consumer debt though, I'm talking about student loans.  One could argue debt is debt, but there are not many people who can afford to go to college paying it off as they go nowadays (unless they are receiving financial help).

+1 ^ there is more to determining a partner anyways than just debt and in this case student debt which might of been unavoidable or not that much.  In either case yes, if i felt the person had the qualities that I wanted enough to get married and they had a car loan or student debt of course i would work on it with them hence the term a unity of marriage.  If the person seem ably had alot of bad spending habits i probably wouldn't be involved in the first place but maybe beside that student debt that person might bringing something to the marriage that is good that I am not at .  Think its a bit shallow to say you wouldn't be with someone that has some debt not knowing all about the rest of them. Alot of us learn by having had some debt.

[DoubleDown]

For me it would be "It depends." It would depend on the amount, the person's age, their own earning potential, and how aggressively they're working to pay it off themselves. For example, I wouldn't jump into paying a $200,000 SL debt for someone with a liberal arts degree from a private school, that is earning $30,000 a year as a social worker and saving little because of their spending habits. But then again, I'd likely not marry someone in the first place with that kind of (or lack of) financial sense.

But, if it was reasonable debt and the person was earning and working aggressively to pay it off, then it could make sense to work as a couple to pay it off and free yourselves from debt to do bigger/better things. For any significant amount, it would be a good idea to put something in writing that if the marriage ends, the debt paid by the other person is credited for that amount in any split of assets (i.e., they get their money back). This advice comes from someone who lost $700k in a divorce with no prenuptial agreement.

[eyePod]

My wife and I have separate accounts but joint money. We really don't care who's is whose, and we use YNAB to track everything. Just like one of us makes more, but it doesn't matter. It's our money. Crazy to think of it otherwise, but if it works for you, I won't judge.

[surfhb]

Without a past debt problem I would have never have visited this site.  To write off someone with consumer debt is a little short sighted.   

I'd be hesitant to marry someone who refused to combine incomes though :). 

[Zikoris]

I would be extremely hesitant to be in a relationship at all with someone with debt, and I wouldn't pay off their loans for them. Consumer debt generally indicates a number of bad things about a person, including their decision making skills, future thinking, priorities, values, math skills, and propensity towards ER.

I'm not talking about consumer debt though, I'm talking about student loans.  One could argue debt is debt, but there are not many people who can afford to go to college paying it off as they go nowadays (unless they are receiving financial help).

That would be relevant if I was dating 21 year olds fresh out of college, but if I was single now my demographic would be guys in their thirties. Someone that age who still has student debt is probably not going to be ready to retire in the same time frame as me.

[stuckinmn]

I used my bonus one year to pay off my wife's student debt.  I should probably say our bonus since she was a SAHM at the time by our choice. 

After we married I just considered everything joint because in the long run it is unless you are planning on living it up in retirement while she eats cat food.  That works for some folks but seems like a pain.  We do put money that is gifted from her family in her own separate account to which I have no access or visibility, but that is my choice and a result of me being stubborn and not wanting to accept gifts yet not wanting to offend the in-laws.  Otherwise anything either of us earns or saves goes in the mutual pot.

 To me if you are not willing to combine finances with this person alarm bells should be going off with respect to the whole long term relationship.  Again, the separate thing works for some folks so YMMV.

[bogart]

I wouldn't get married were I not 100% willing to combine finances, full stop.

Since you asked.

[SuperSaver]

Yes. My fiance and I have an apartment together, have almost all of our money joint (fun money is dropped into out individual credit union accounts though) & share goals. I and now we have been aggressively paying down my student loans (he has zero loans but no degree) since my graduation. How he looks at it is "your debt is our debt so it will benefit the both of us to pay it down as quickly as possible together". We will pay off all of the high interest private loans in 2015, our new used car in 2016 and marry in 2017 (for our 11 th anniversary) , then spend the next 3-5 years paying off the rest of my lower government student loans. It makes the most sense (in our minds) to attack debt & save money together since we are partners. :) And yes I know for some people our comingled finances is a scary NO- however it's what works the best for us as we consider ourselves married.

[chasesfish]

After marriage, yes

[Terrestrial]

I have always believed in a team-oriented approach to finances in marriage...neither my wife or I had debt when we married, but if it was a responsible type of debt (student loans, not CC) and the balance/situation made sense (i.e. didn't run up a 200k bill for a degree in medieval art history from an ivy league...don't laugh I have a friend whose wife did something akin to this...I only found out because she complained about not being able to find a job in her 'field' and thus was a asst. manager at a retail store which was barely covering the payments on her loan...I'm not even sure what her 'field' would be?)...I wouldn't have balked at helping to pay off my wife's loans. 

I second those that said shared goals are also important, I wouldn't have wanted to help pay off her loans if she was just going to turn around and redirect that loan payment money to something frivolous and not savings, but then again I probably wouldn't have married someone who would do that so it wouldn't likely be an issue.

I would NOT pay off debt for someone I wasn't married to.  I know consider themselves to be married and merge finances...I wouldn't personally do that (just my stance and not a commentary on those that choose differently).

[Philociraptor]

Yes, only the other way around. I brought around $85k of student loans into our marriage, though we combined financed before the wedding itself, back when it was probably $90k. All money we make goes into one big pot, and we both know where it goes. We discuss sending extra payments and all that jazz, but we make sure to get 401(k) match and fill up our Roth IRA's first.

[markbrynn]

That would be relevant if I was dating 21 year olds fresh out of college, but if I was single now my demographic would be guys in their thirties. Someone that age who still has student debt is probably not going to be ready to retire in the same time frame as me.

Just wondering what you meant by this comment. Does this mean that you would not consider a relationship with someone who's not on the same time frame as you? What about lu-u-u-u-u-v (read this with funny, mocking tone)?

[Davids]

When my wife and I got married in 2010 we combined all of our finances, we do not have separate bank accounts. We both had student loans at the time so both of them were our debt. They are all paid off now and our only debt is mortgage.

[Zikoris]

That would be relevant if I was dating 21 year olds fresh out of college, but if I was single now my demographic would be guys in their thirties. Someone that age who still has student debt is probably not going to be ready to retire in the same time frame as me.

Just wondering what you meant by this comment. Does this mean that you would not consider a relationship with someone who's not on the same time frame as you? What about lu-u-u-u-u-v (read this with funny, mocking tone)?

Well, given that my goal is to take off on some grand round-the-world travel immediately after retirement, it wouldn't make much sense to enter into a relationship with someone who couldn't do that. There would be a few other options if the person didn't have enough money to retire, like them starting a location-independent online business or something to support themselves, but otherwise, no I probably wouldn't date them to begin with - I hate dating with a passion and don't pursue relationships with incompatible people.

[Just_Me]

My wife I do joint finances. She has no student loans; I do. She sees it as a joint financial goal, because, well, if it affects one of us it affects both.

Before marriage, money was a completely separate matter.

[gt7152b]

Always had joint finances and yes, I paid the bulk of my wife's student loans. The consolidated interest rate was really low so we just made the monthly payment until it was gone. I don't even remember the amount because it was just something that needed to be paid and it's been paid off many years ago. I just wish she had listened to me about picking a more practical major. Turns out she doesn't really like teaching that much and the salary is not worth powering through it.

[projekt]

I really like joint finances. If I were worried that my SO is going to take advantage of me, then that would be a red flag that maybe there's something wrong with the relationship.

[Paul der Krake]

I don't think I would consider a serious relationship with a non-saver. So unless it was someone like arebelspy who famously kept paying minimum payments on his student debt while building his real estate empire, the question most likely wouldn't even come up because the pool of potential applicants would have already paid off everything by now.

[MrsPete]

I'm not talking about consumer debt though, I'm talking about student loans.  One could argue debt is debt, but there are not many people who can afford to go to college paying it off as they go nowadays (unless they are receiving financial help).

Disagree.  Yes, college is expensive and not all parents can /will pay for education, but you can find so many ways to keep that cost down.  If a potential marriage partner had LARGE student debt, it'd be a red flag that we might approach money in different ways. 

[Philociraptor]

I'm not talking about consumer debt though, I'm talking about student loans.  One could argue debt is debt, but there are not many people who can afford to go to college paying it off as they go nowadays (unless they are receiving financial help).

Disagree.  Yes, college is expensive and not all parents can /will pay for education, but you can find so many ways to keep that cost down.  If a potential marriage partner had LARGE student debt, it'd be a red flag that we might approach money in different ways.

The way they approach money now vs. the way they approached money as a silly 17-21 year old are likely two completely different things.

[MoneyCat]

I had student loans before I got married and I'm still paying them off.  My wife does not help me pay for them because it's my debt and my responsibility.  We only combine our money for joint expenses like utilities for the house.  It's not her job to take care of my problems.


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[TrulyStashin]

I'm not talking about consumer debt though, I'm talking about student loans.  One could argue debt is debt, but there are not many people who can afford to go to college paying it off as they go nowadays (unless they are receiving financial help).

Disagree.  Yes, college is expensive and not all parents can /will pay for education, but you can find so many ways to keep that cost down.  If a potential marriage partner had LARGE student debt, it'd be a red flag that we might approach money in different ways.

Remember that SL's can also be from grad school/ med school/ law school.  All are expensive and with few/ no alternatives that get you to the same degree.  And the options that do exist can compromise your employability once you're graduated. 

[Primm]

I also think that us older people here who have already been married a long time and divorced in our late 30's like me, have a different way of viewing taking on someone else's debt as well as remarrying. We might just be a lot more selfish in that regard.

Selfish or self-caring? I think the latter.

[pdxvandal]

My wife was paying the minimum on her SLs for many years. This year, I had a bonus and some extra cash not doing much so I just decided to pay them off. Now we're debt free (besides the mortgage). Some of that money we were planning on using for a house upgrade, so actually it works out IMO to stay in our current house with no debt.

Other than that, we make about the same money, keep separate finances and pay the bills equally.

[Calvawt]

I immediately started paying large sums to my SO's student loans.  She had about $25k in June 2013.  Now it is less than $8k and slated to be paid off in about 4 months.

Since I am the primary earner, it makes sense for us.  She contributes in many ways like taking care of the kids, cleaning, and most of the cooking.  I want to make sure her credit score and financial position are in good shape, not just mine.

[DMoney]

Yup.  We aggressively paid off my husband's student debt our first year living together and married (which was also his first year out of grad school).  Felt great to tackle it together. 

[Firefly]

Yes. We got married and then went back to school. My school cost significantly less than my husband's. But all the decisions we made, we made as a family. And we benefit from the education as a family. My personal feeling about family is that if you decide to get married to the person - you share everything, debt and all. If you not ready to do that, or have reservations about the other person's financial decisions you probably should not be married to that person. Other methods might work for others, but sharing everything works for us.

[Goldielocks]

Just curious, if you got married, would you each put money towards your SO's student loan debt?  Or would you maintain separate finances?  Would you each put the same amount in?

Are you saying that if your SO was ill for a long time, or became SAH, or worked part time in future, you would still insist that their debt was theirs only?

Would you insist on splitting living costs 50-50 even if one person earned 5x the other person's salary, for similar efforts between house work and employment between you?

What is the purpose of getting married if so? 

Rather, if I felt strongly they should pay it down alone, I would delay marriage until I felt the other had made a significant dent in their carefree poor choice "lifestyle" debt (assuming it is extravagant, or why ask?).

[homehandymum]

Joint finances here.

DH was very frugal, and was able to live at home for uni, so he had no loans.
I had (for the time) large loans on graduation (post-grad degree). 

They were all separate until we married, then we decided it was the best use of our joint resources to pay the loan off.

[TeresaB]

My DH and I are in a bit of a weird situation. He had a LOT of student loan debt (a stupidly large amount, which he now regrets). I had none--in fact I had about $10k when I graduated. (It's doable! You just need poor parents. Haha.) Our finances are 100% combined, so it's "our" debt now. But I'm also not working at the moment, so I don't really directly contribute to it. If I had a job though, I think all my earnings would go to the debt, since his salary is more than enough to live on.

[homehandymum]

^ +1  I married in my early 20s, almost straight out of university.  Combining finances was a no-brainer because we both were at the start of our careers, and although DH had savings, they were nothing like FI-level savings, and we had all of our working careers ahead of us.

Marrying later would entail a whole different set of calculations, especially if there are previous marriages and other children to factor in.  I have friends in that position, and I don't envy them the money-tangle that can ensue.  I can definitely see "big debt", regardless of the source of that debt, being a deal-breaker for me at this stage of my life - or at least something that I would pre-nup out of.

[Mesmoiselle]

His debt before marriage is his,same for mine. But I'd loan him all available funds I could spare for 0% interest. That is, in fact, what we're doing. Using the power of two incomes and shared necessities savings, that 28k loan will disappear. We maintain semi separate finances. Bills are divided up by %. So right now, he only pays 22% of bills. When he makes more it will be 50/50 more like.

[MrsSmitty]

I would take on debt. But I wouldn't be with someone who was bad with money. So if you have $100K in student loans from your private college liberal arts degree, work at McDonalds and drive a brand-new-financed-for-7-years car, we wouldn't be together at all. But, if you have $40K debt from your public university engineering degree and work in your industry at a job you are passionate about, lets knock this out and have babies. To me marriage means joining lives in every way including finances.

[greaper007]

My wife is the only one that brings in income in the house, so she paid off mine.    Though we don't really consider our paychecks or jobs as separate entities.    We're both taking care of a household and raising children.    She's doing it by going to work everyday and I'm doing it by taking kids to school, the children's museum, play dates, making dinner etc.

I don't get the idea of being in a marriage with separate finances.    Unless you have a pre-nup (and sometimes even with one), most of those finances would be divided up if you got divorced.   Might as well live as one now.

[matchewed]

I'm in a relationship with someone who is going to finish her "free" Master's in a week or so (her work paid for it). She has some student loan debt (I don't have an exact number [obviously we have separate finances]). She has been paying them down while in deferment and is almost done with the one with the largest interest rate. She's in control of the situation and seems to be doing the right things towards it. Again I don't have exact numbers because it's not really any of my business. I'm more open about my finances than she is frankly.

If we were to get married I'd like to know more specifics for my own piece of mind. I wouldn't change any actual payment strategy nor throw my resources into eliminating her debt unless we had a good discussion about it first. If she wanted help we'd hammer out what that would be. I wouldn't offer paying it all off to begin with. She'd have to want the help and we'd figure out together how much that would be.

So I guess my rambling crap post amounts to a long winded version of "it depends." :) YMMV and all this depends on the amounts, your goals as individuals and as a couple, how your particular relationship dynamics are (structured? functioning? I'm not sure what the right word is), and your values.

[BarkyardBQ]

Without a past debt problem I would have never have visited this site.  To write off someone with consumer debt is a little short sighted.   

I'd be hesitant to marry someone who refused to combine incomes though :).

+2

OP, if you are getting married, I think you're finances should be joined, which means all debts, income and wealth are now shared. Hopefully her SL and the education she received will get her an income that you will both benefit from. Therefore paying down the debt so you can both enjoy that future income potential is to your advantage. We paid off the remainder of my wives SL within a few months of being married, our combined income made that possible. Our combined income is making it possible for us to achieve FI, and her education and abilities enabled her to get promoted recently. How would you build wealth for yourself in a loving relationship while your wife is stuck climbing out of a hole? That wouldn't be fun for either of you. But I guarantee if you work together, once it's paid you will have a new goal and you will both look forward to achieving it.

Marriage requires love and team work.

[lifejoy]

We share finances, so we are paying off his student loans together. We have the same goals, and plan on having children. It makes sense for us to have all the money in one pot.

[MrFancypants]

If you can't accept a person's financial standing why would you marry them?

[catccc]

I like a one big pot kind of policy for married folks.  So I guess the answer is yes.

[Helvegen]

When I got married, all of my problems became his and all of his problems became mine. Working on them together is what makes us stronger as a couple. I don't get this every man for himself attitude when it comes to marriage. That is the exact opposite of what it is supposed to be about, IMO.