Author Topic: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"  (Read 6743 times)

clarkfan1979

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My wife is starting to adopt MMM values, slowly. Only took about 4 years. She had a funny complaint about her sister the other day. I thought it was funny, so I thought I would share.

We have a 2nd car that is left at her sisters house for when we visit. The car is a 2003 Pontiac Vibe with 221K miles and worth about $1,000.00. My brother-in-law and sister-in-law make fun of us for our $1,000.00 car, but I guess that is the price we have to pay for letting us park the car on their property for free. They both have 40K+ cars with loans.

Our car started to show signs of distress in January and the problem got worse on our last trip last week. My wife's sister advised us to have their cousin fix it, who is an auto mechanic. He fixed their car last January and they were happy with the repair.

My wife's sisters said something like, "the only issue is that..., you have to pay him. He won't fix it for free" My wife complained to me because apparently her sister told her this 3 separate times. She didn't say anything to her sister, but she complained to me and asked, "Does she think I am a "f&*#ing idiot? Of course we would pay him!"

I told my wife that her sister probably thinks we are broke because we drive a $1,000.00 car. I was impressed by her reaction. In a very respectful way she said something like, "that's funny because they are always broke because they have expensive cars."

I'm not upset, but a little confused. We just spent 35K on renovating our house (June - January) and her sister knows this fact. Why does she think we don't have $500 to pay her cousin to fix our car?

Does anyone else have an issue with other people assuming you are totally broke because you drive a car that is worth less than $5,000?


skp

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #1 on: March 28, 2019, 04:45:06 PM »
It's possible that they don't think your broke, but that you are too cheap to pay a relative to fix your car.  I'm not saying that is true, just that there are some people that are so into saving money that they might do something like that.

Frankies Girl

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #2 on: March 28, 2019, 05:01:45 PM »
I think 99% of problems that people write in to advice columnists to get advice about could literally be solved by stopping and saying to yourself "Did you talk about that thing that is bothering you with that person?"

So to ask the obvious:

Did your wife ask her sister why she keeps saying that? Like right after the words left the sister's mouth again, stop and say, "Sister, what do you mean by 'you have to pay him?' Do you think we don't have enough money to pay him, or do you think we would take advantage of the relationship because they are a family member/friend and think it's okay to not pay them for their work? I'm confused why you keep saying that." and then listen to what she says and discuss until the situation is no longer something that hangs over their relationship.

If she had enough of conversation where this was mentioned 3 separate times, is there some reason your wife didn't say "yeah, I know. Ask him for an estimate and we can pay him like half now and half when he gets it fixed" or whatever sort of agreement that you would work out for the repair. The fact that this isn't something she didn't instantly work out - either with her sister or with the family member - is in itself weird. Why not just work it out then, or state for the record that you absolutely will pay for work done?



« Last Edit: March 28, 2019, 05:33:40 PM by Frankies Girl »

HipGnosis

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #3 on: March 28, 2019, 06:32:05 PM »
Solely a communication issue, er issues.
Starting with "advice from sister".  It's not 'advice'.  It's a misspoken question.
Then it's "She didn't say anything to her sister".   And this is in light of "they are always broke because they have expensive cars."

Even if I wasn't broke (and I'm not) I wouldn't hire someone to do $500 of work and/or parts for someone else without knowing explicitly that the someone would pay for it.  In fact, I would find out exactly when they would pay.


Ann

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #4 on: March 28, 2019, 06:33:31 PM »
You say that you keep this car at your SILís house for free.  Perhaps they feel that has established presedence that you expect relatives to take care of your car for free.  Of course you would normally have to pay someone to fix your car.  But you would normally have to pay someone to store your car.  Would that $1000 car still be worth it to you if you paid a U-Store-It monthly?  Or would you rent a vehicle when you visited instead?   Would you keep the car if YOU had to spend YOUR time communicating with repairmen and arranging car care?

Perhaps this is an opportunity to open up a dialogue.  You could ask them if they would like a monthly payment for the inconvenience of storing your vehicle.

Ask yourself: is the only reason you keep the vehicle  because keeping it is subsidized  by the generosity of relatives who donít even like the car?
« Last Edit: March 28, 2019, 06:41:40 PM by Ann »

SwordGuy

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #5 on: March 28, 2019, 11:03:43 PM »
Ask yourself: is the only reason you keep the vehicle  because keeping it is subsidized  by the generosity of relatives who donít even like the car?

From context, I assumed they don't travel by car when they visit.  They probably fly, though boats and trains are, of course, options.   I took it to mean that they have a cheap car there so they don't have to rent a car for the visit and don't have to inconvenience their relatives by borrowing their car either.    It's not being cheap, it's just running numbers.

When I was working in DC but my family lived in Atlanta, I would fly home for the weekend.   But the first time I went up there I drove.  I left my car in DC 5 days a week and if I needed a car in Atlanta (and couldn't use my wife's because she needed it), I would rent one in Atlanta for the weekend.  Why?  Because renting a car <= 2 times a week is a lot cheaper than 5 times a week.   It's just numbers.   

dragoncar

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #6 on: March 28, 2019, 11:47:52 PM »
I think 99% of problems that people write in to advice columnists to get advice about could literally be solved by stopping and saying to yourself "Did you talk about that thing that is bothering you with that person?"

So to ask the obvious:

Did your wife ask her sister why she keeps saying that? Like right after the words left the sister's mouth again, stop and say, "Sister, what do you mean by 'you have to pay him?' Do you think we don't have enough money to pay him, or do you think we would take advantage of the relationship because they are a family member/friend and think it's okay to not pay them for their work? I'm confused why you keep saying that." and then listen to what she says and discuss until the situation is no longer something that hangs over their relationship.

If she had enough of conversation where this was mentioned 3 separate times, is there some reason your wife didn't say "yeah, I know. Ask him for an estimate and we can pay him like half now and half when he gets it fixed" or whatever sort of agreement that you would work out for the repair. The fact that this isn't something she didn't instantly work out - either with her sister or with the family member - is in itself weird. Why not just work it out then, or state for the record that you absolutely will pay for work done?

I agree with this, but from the story Iíd expect it has nothing to do with OP.  Probably the sister is upset her brother* makes her pay and thatís why she keeps mentioning it

*not sure I followed the relations, it doesnít really affect my opinion

Ann

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #7 on: March 28, 2019, 11:54:39 PM »
Ask yourself: is the only reason you keep the vehicle  because keeping it is subsidized  by the generosity of relatives who donít even like the car?

From context, I assumed they don't travel by car when they visit.  They probably fly, though boats and trains are, of course, options.   I took it to mean that they have a cheap car there so they don't have to rent a car for the visit and don't have to inconvenience their relatives by borrowing their car either.    It's not being cheap, it's just running numbers.

I understood the situation the same way, but my conclusion remains that the OP is saving money because storing their $1000 vehicle is subsidized by generous relatives.   They could rent a vehicle.  Or keep one at U-Store-It between visits and Uber over there from the airport.  They are not paying market rate or even a minimal below market rate for this service.  The SIL is the one who is doing the leg work arranging repair of the vehicle.  Maybe they donít care about that at all!  But they know OP isnít paying them (family) for the vehicle care.  So how is it unreasonable to try to clarify if the OP is willing to pay ANOTHER family member to care for (repair) the car?

SIL seemingly cares enough to put up with inconveniences to help out.  Perhaps she knows if she does not, the OP simply would not be willing to visit as often.  If OPís wife did not communicate she was annoyed by the question about payment, maybe SIL does not communicate she is annoyed With the car situation.

Basically, this situation can be a starting point for a dialogue.

MrThatsDifferent

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #8 on: March 29, 2019, 02:59:16 AM »
My thinking is similar to an earlier poster and Iím wondering if youíre projecting your self-consciousness about your $1000 car and looking poor, when most likely your SIL thinks your probably cheap and expecting the cousin to do it for free so you guys can keep with your frugal life. Iím sure the SIL knows about the MMM stuff and doesnít think youíre actually poor.

ducky19

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #9 on: March 29, 2019, 06:50:59 AM »
I'm not upset, but a little confused. We just spent 35K on renovating our house (June - January) and her sister knows this fact. Why does she think we don't have $500 to pay her cousin to fix our car?

Maybe she believes you financed this renovation, just like they would have done. Lots of people spend money they don't have renovating their houses and still wouldn't have $500 for an emergency repair.

misshathaway

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #10 on: March 29, 2019, 06:56:04 AM »
My wife's sisters said something like, "the only issue is that..., you have to pay him. He won't fix it for free" My wife complained to me because apparently her sister told her this 3 separate times. She didn't say anything to her sister, but she complained to me and asked, "Does she think I am a "f&*#ing idiot? Of course we would pay him!"

I'm glad that your wife did not get clarification because you then would not have posted it here. Laugh of the day. One of my neighbors thinks I'm destitute because I shovel my own driveway. Good. Won't ask me for money.

the_fixer

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I do things for free for family all of the time because they are family and I do not want or need their money so maybe they were just trying to set the expectation that it was not a family freebie.

On the flip side both of my BIL's are mechanics and work on my mom's car sometimes for free other times they charge her a little. When my mom asks for them to work on stuff it is not uncommon for them to say sure but I will need to charge you a little labor plus parts if the job is difficult or labor intensive like when she had her clutch or timing belt changed.

I just see it as setting the expectation so that everyone knows where you stand going into the deal and people do not get upset.

I would not take it personally

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Spitfire

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #12 on: March 29, 2019, 07:52:49 AM »
You say that you keep this car at your SILís house for free.  Perhaps they feel that has established presedence that you expect relatives to take care of your car for free. 

I didn't think of this when I read the OP, but it does make sense.

Sibley

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #13 on: March 29, 2019, 08:10:12 AM »
OP, the first thing I think of is why do you have a car that sits at your SIL's house that you drive only when you visit? How often are you visiting? Because realistically, just sell/donate the car and rent a vehicle when you're visiting.

LiveLean

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #14 on: March 29, 2019, 08:44:16 AM »
We've had family members leave cars at our home for long periods -- either when my Dad was splitting time between our state and where he lived  (NYC) half of the year or when my sister was in the Peace Corps. In Dad's case, he realized it made no sense to own a car anymore and he hasn't had one for 15 years -- renting as needed. Having my sister's car proved to be a pain in terms of driving it 1-2 times a week to keep it operational, paying for insurance for a car we didn't need, etc. So no more car sitting/storage for us

As for SIL thinking you're cheap, we get this all the time from DW's sister, who leases cars, takes many lavish vacations annually, lives in a McMansion, etc. When we bought a second home/rental property several years ago, paying cash, she said to my wife, "I thought you guys were destitute."

Yes, destitute. Apparently anyone who drives old modest cars and doesn't constantly upgrade their lives and live like a financial idiot is ....destitute.
« Last Edit: March 29, 2019, 08:47:23 AM by LiveLean »

clarkfan1979

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #15 on: March 29, 2019, 11:59:00 AM »
OP, the first thing I think of is why do you have a car that sits at your SIL's house that you drive only when you visit? How often are you visiting? Because realistically, just sell/donate the car and rent a vehicle when you're visiting.

We live in Hawaii, but visit my wife's family in the Denver area for 3 months in the summer, 3 weeks in the winter and spring break, so about 4 months total out of the year. At $25/day, I think it would cost about $3,000/year to rent a car. 

During the summer we rent an apartment down the street from her sister's house for 3 months for $1,000/month. They have 5 kids and we watch their kids all the time during the summer for free. It's never really an "all day" thing. We visit 3-4 days a week. They will take off for 1-3 hours to run errands and we watch the kids. I've never complained about this. I enjoy it and so does my wife.

I got a quote to store the car at an outside storage facility down the street from their house for $30/month. When I told them what I was doing, they offered to store our car on their property for free.

We have a mechanic that we really like that we have used many times in the past. My wife's sister was trying to convince us to go with their cousin, instead of our regular mechanic. She just used her cousin for the repair and was happy. The weird part was that when she was trying sell this idea to my wife, she kept on saying, "but you have to pay him". I wasn't there, so I don't have 100% of the details. My wife was venting to me about her sister.

I'm sorry if the original post was confusing. Hopefully I cleared up some details.

« Last Edit: March 29, 2019, 12:26:00 PM by clarkfan1979 »

BicycleB

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #16 on: March 29, 2019, 02:28:20 PM »
^It sounds like the issue isn't about you, it's about SIL trying to find work for her mechanic. If SIL is helpful to you and the mechanic both, her character is consistent; no need to assume negative thoughts on her part.

You could just say "We'd be happy to give him some work if his prices are reasonable. Can we get an estimate from him?" Or, "we like our mechanic, but it's nice that you're helping your mechanic find work."
« Last Edit: March 29, 2019, 02:31:36 PM by BicycleB »

Ann

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #17 on: March 29, 2019, 05:56:43 PM »
Well, it kinda looks like this is a case miscommunication between people who care for each other, like each other and try to help one another out.

Maybe the SIL thinks you are financially stressed because you recently did $37k of renovations.
Maybe she thinks that you are not willing to spend money on cars because she inuites that it is not a priority for you.
Maybe she thinks that if the repairs cost money, then youíd just rather buy a new vehicle (maybe thatís what she would do in your situation).
Maybe she is trying to get the cousin paid work.
Maybe she is trying to set up clear expectations before proceeding - after all, being asked to pay for services that you had been under the impression was free or severely  discounted is frustrating, and taking a relation to virtual collections can break up families.

Without talking about it, who knows?  I doubt she thinks that you are an idiot.  Try assuming the best about her and get clarification.  It sounds like you enjoy spending family time together. 

Adam Zapple

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I do things for free for family all of the time because they are family and I do not want or need their money so maybe they were just trying to set the expectation that it was not a family freebie.

On the flip side both of my BIL's are mechanics and work on my mom's car sometimes for free other times they charge her a little. When my mom asks for them to work on stuff it is not uncommon for them to say sure but I will need to charge you a little labor plus parts if the job is difficult or labor intensive like when she had her clutch or timing belt changed.

I just see it as setting the expectation so that everyone knows where you stand going into the deal and people do not get upset.

I would not take it personally

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This is the correct way to interpret the situation.  You always need to specify when working with family and close friends whether something is free, friend and family discount, or full price.  Since the sister is "brokering" the deal she probably wants to make sure there's no confusion. 

BicycleB

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #19 on: March 30, 2019, 09:10:38 AM »
Come to think of it, Sis may be repeating the "you have to pay" line because she's thinking to herself "They have a lot more money than the mechanic does, they're the ones who should pay." It could be a sign of respect from her, towards your financial strength.

remizidae

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #20 on: March 30, 2019, 10:50:34 AM »
Quote

I got a quote to store the car at an outside storage facility down the street from their house for $30/month. When I told them what I was doing, they offered to store our car on their property for free.


It's probably time to check and make sure they are *still* okay with this arrangement. They might have been okay with it at the beginning, but sometimes things get more annoying over time.

Rick Imby

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #21 on: March 30, 2019, 03:02:54 PM »
Sister in Law may be a little put out because of the junker you store at her house.  Hard to know for sure.  Often people do not say what they are thinking.

AnnaGrowsAMustache

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #22 on: March 30, 2019, 04:55:27 PM »
Maybe the sister is too cheap to pay a relative, and got a serve from said relative about it. Now she's warning your wife.

Villanelle

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #23 on: March 30, 2019, 06:52:15 PM »
OP, the first thing I think of is why do you have a car that sits at your SIL's house that you drive only when you visit? How often are you visiting? Because realistically, just sell/donate the car and rent a vehicle when you're visiting.

We live in Hawaii, but visit my wife's family in the Denver area for 3 months in the summer, 3 weeks in the winter and spring break, so about 4 months total out of the year. At $25/day, I think it would cost about $3,000/year to rent a car. 

During the summer we rent an apartment down the street from her sister's house for 3 months for $1,000/month. They have 5 kids and we watch their kids all the time during the summer for free. It's never really an "all day" thing. We visit 3-4 days a week. They will take off for 1-3 hours to run errands and we watch the kids. I've never complained about this. I enjoy it and so does my wife.

I got a quote to store the car at an outside storage facility down the street from their house for $30/month. When I told them what I was doing, they offered to store our car on their property for free.

We have a mechanic that we really like that we have used many times in the past. My wife's sister was trying to convince us to go with their cousin, instead of our regular mechanic. She just used her cousin for the repair and was happy. The weird part was that when she was trying sell this idea to my wife, she kept on saying, "but you have to pay him". I wasn't there, so I don't have 100% of the details. My wife was venting to me about her sister.

I'm sorry if the original post was confusing. Hopefully I cleared up some details.

This absolutely changes how I feel about the situation.  It sounds like she convinced you to switch to the family connection.  I can see why she would want to be very clear about needing to pay him, because there might be an assumption that the reason she suggested a switch would be free or reduced pricing.  So she's making it very clear that while she recommends her relative, you still need to pay; the recommendation isn't based on free service, but on good service (or wanting to help her cousin).

So I would do nothing, assume nothing, and proceed as planned, other than maybe just once again offering to get that monthly storage place if they'd rather not continue to store your car. 

partgypsy

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #24 on: March 31, 2019, 11:02:22 AM »
as others have said it could be that they think you are broke, but more likelier explanations are:
since you are so cheap to leave a 1K car at a family's members house to store, you are too cheap to have said 1K car fixed.
That since you are having a family member store your car for free, you would expect a relative to fix car for free, and they are giving you a heads up.
I guess there's no way to know, unless you ask. You know what they say about assumptions, on anyone's part. The sister is assuming for whatever reason you would be unwilling or at least not know to pay the relative, and you are assuming you know why they said that.

Candace

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #25 on: March 31, 2019, 01:01:50 PM »
It could have nothing to do with the OP's relationship with her sister or the sister's opinion of the OP's frugal habits. It could be as simple as that cousin has run into separate situations where people expect him to fix cars for free, so he told the sister "if you recommend me to anyone, please make sure they know I don't work for free". And the sister could just be reinforcing that.

ilsy

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #26 on: May 14, 2019, 08:59:10 AM »
My wife's sisters said something like, "the only issue is that..., you have to pay him. He won't fix it for free" My wife complained to me because apparently her sister told her this 3 separate times. She didn't say anything to her sister, but she complained to me and asked, "Does she think I am a "f&*#ing idiot? Of course we would pay him!"

One of my neighbors thinks I'm destitute because I shovel my own driveway. Good. Won't ask me for money.

+1 (all my neighbors think I'm destitute poor single mother because my kids, my mom and I  shovel our driveway and mow our large yard). I don't really want to destroy their dreams by telling them that I own free and clear several rental properties. My neighbors donate their kids' bikes and scooters to my kids to "help out."

BTDretire

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #27 on: May 14, 2019, 09:14:45 AM »
My wife's sisters said something like, "the only issue is that..., you have to pay him. He won't fix it for free" My wife complained to me because apparently her sister told her this 3 separate times. She didn't say anything to her sister, but she complained to me and asked, "Does she think I am a "f&*#ing idiot? Of course we would pay him!"

One of my neighbors thinks I'm destitute because I shovel my own driveway. Good. Won't ask me for money.

 

+1 (all my neighbors think I'm destitute poor single mother because my kids, my mom and I  shovel our driveway and mow our large yard). I don't really want to destroy their dreams by telling them that I own free and clear several rental properties. My neighbors donate their kids' bikes and scooters to my kids to "help out."

You Rock! Keep up the good work.

skp

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #28 on: May 14, 2019, 05:04:55 PM »
My wife's sisters said something like, "the only issue is that..., you have to pay him. He won't fix it for free" My wife complained to me because apparently her sister told her this 3 separate times. She didn't say anything to her sister, but she complained to me and asked, "Does she think I am a "f&*#ing idiot? Of course we would pay him!"

One of my neighbors thinks I'm destitute because I shovel my own driveway. Good. Won't ask me for money.

+1 (all my neighbors think I'm destitute poor single mother because my kids, my mom and I  shovel our driveway and mow our large yard). I don't really want to destroy their dreams by telling them that I own free and clear several rental properties. My neighbors donate their kids' bikes and scooters to my kids to "help out."
The problem I have with that is that some person who is really poor and destitute might really need the kids bikes and scooters.  You don't.

ilsy

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #29 on: May 15, 2019, 09:52:20 AM »
My wife's sisters said something like, "the only issue is that..., you have to pay him. He won't fix it for free" My wife complained to me because apparently her sister told her this 3 separate times. She didn't say anything to her sister, but she complained to me and asked, "Does she think I am a "f&*#ing idiot? Of course we would pay him!"

One of my neighbors thinks I'm destitute because I shovel my own driveway. Good. Won't ask me for money.

+1 (all my neighbors think I'm destitute poor single mother because my kids, my mom and I  shovel our driveway and mow our large yard). I don't really want to destroy their dreams by telling them that I own free and clear several rental properties. My neighbors donate their kids' bikes and scooters to my kids to "help out."
The problem I have with that is that some person who is really poor and destitute might really need the kids bikes and scooters.  You don't.
And that is your opinion.
I have a tenant who is constantly late on her utility bills (I have a  leave on agreement just in case my tenants decide not to pay in the dead of winter, so I get notified in order to pay and save my pipes from freezing). She pays late fees all the time, but today she told me that she bought a riding lawn mower, even though she had a perfectly fine push one. My yard on my personal property is at least twice larger and on a hill, but I use a push mower. Ah, did I mention that she gets the same income on her W2 as me, and doesn't have 3 dependents to support.

Yes, according to the US system, I don't and have never qualified for any support because I had savings and now also rental income. But I started at a place even worse than others and worked hard to get were I am right now. I think people's decision to NOT support those who work hard and save, is to say the least "very stupid." But of course you have the right to do whatever you want with your money, your bikes and your scooters.

The money that I save by not buying bikes and scooters goes right were it needs to go - to make more money for me and my family. On the other hand, if you give money to help pay my tenant's utility bills, it is going to be flushed straight down the toilet, plus, she is going to expect you to keep paying her utility bills.
I have no guilty feelings when I accept bikes and scooters from my neighbors. I smile and thank them, they have made the right decision by investing in me.
« Last Edit: May 15, 2019, 10:25:31 AM by ilsy »

Miss Prim

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #30 on: May 15, 2019, 12:52:31 PM »
One thing that I thought about from this post is that maybe the sister is not real happy to have to store the car for free.  We own 4.5 acres that we only mow about 1 acre of, so family members think they can dump or store whatever they don't have room for at their suburban homes.  We used to rent out pole barn space to store cars, boats, campers, etc and someone taking up space for free cut into our income.  Also, I don't like stuff stored outdoors because it just makes the place look junky and this is my home.  I really don't think your wife's sister was trying to be rude, just letting her know that the repair wasn't free, even though your storage is.

                                                       Miss Prim

Rosy

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #31 on: May 15, 2019, 01:08:24 PM »
^It sounds like the issue isn't about you, it's about SIL trying to find work for her mechanic. If SIL is helpful to you and the mechanic both, her character is consistent; no need to assume negative thoughts on her part.

You could just say "We'd be happy to give him some work if his prices are reasonable. Can we get an estimate from him?" Or, "we like our mechanic, but it's nice that you're helping your mechanic find work."

^^^^^^^^^^
That's what I was thinking too.

Perhaps - it is as simple as - SIL does not have the money to pay her cousin to repair your car. Ergo, she wants to help but also to be sure she receives the money from you immediately - once you received a quote and gave her the go ahead.
Perhaps you've made them wait for a payment before which caused problems for them (even if they didn't mention it to you) and you didn't do it intentionally.
People who have money sometimes tend to forget how tricky a life of not being flush can be:).

Kind of like the people who can blissfully forget that today is payday while someone else hauls ass from the office to make a payment in time to avoid a shut off. You live in different realities.

Your wife should have definitely inquired immediately as to why her sister repeated the same statement three times. It is really no big thing. Who knows, her sister might temporarily be in a really tight spot.
There is a reason her sister said it 3x.
She can always say that she started wondering about it all later and just wanted to let her know that you've decided to give her cuz a chance and of course payment will be immediate.

As far as the car storage, I'm guessing they don't really mind.

ilsy

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #32 on: May 18, 2019, 01:31:33 AM »
The problem I have with that is that some person who is really poor and destitute might really need the kids bikes and scooters.  You don't.

I totally need to apologize for my previous emotional response (comes out every time someone tells me what I do and do not need). You are right, I don't need kids bikes or scooters, I'll look ridiculous on either of them.  But you know what, you'd be hard-pressed to find somebody in the US who NEEDS used bikes and scooters. Scooters are completely out of question, they aren't faster than running and you cannot use them on any terrain (much easier to run on a grass, than ride a scooter). So the NEED for scooters doesn't exist.

Now bikes, well, kids who really NEED a bike are those who have to cover some substantial distance on feet, like 5-10 miles, possibly on a daily basis. I don't know if there are kids who do that in the US now (the key word is "now"). Could be in some very rural areas, but I doubt they don't have a bike already or will appreciate getting a used one from some city kids. I actually challenge you to gift a used kids bike to a family in NEED of a USED kids bike. And don't use CL or Facebook, there is no way to know for sure.
You might find 3 options:
1. People like me, who can afford buying, but don't buy. You think those people should just buy, and off course they won't, because they don't think they need it.

2. People who can't afford buying a bike, but do that anyways. Try to give them a used bike. They might even through it away or get really offended, because some "rich gal/dude" gave them a USED bike. Those definitely don't need it, and are going to buy brand new (that's my tenant).

3. Some refugee families (definitely need a bike). But if you try to donate a USED kids bike to a family, the SW is going to nicely tell you that they either accept a quality brand new or a quality used (translation: high end bikes, not some cheap-o hand me downs, you can't sell).

So, please, try and donate a used bike, and then report back. I would like to change my opinion that I'm (and other people in the category #1, aka mustachians) the best candidate for used kids bikes. Otherwise, I'll have to think that your response was baseless and was merely provoked by your jealousy of some single mother owning "several rental properties free and clear."

chasesfish

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #33 on: May 18, 2019, 06:21:21 AM »
People used to think we were broke based on cars.   Our repeat trips to Hawaii changed their mind

SwordGuy

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #34 on: May 18, 2019, 06:28:00 AM »
The problem I have with that is that some person who is really poor and destitute might really need the kids bikes and scooters.  You don't.

I totally need to apologize for my previous emotional response (comes out every time someone tells me what I do and do not need). You are right, I don't need kids bikes or scooters, I'll look ridiculous on either of them.  But you know what, you'd be hard-pressed to find somebody in the US who NEEDS used bikes and scooters. Scooters are completely out of question, they aren't faster than running and you cannot use them on any terrain (much easier to run on a grass, than ride a scooter). So the NEED for scooters doesn't exist.

Now bikes, well, kids who really NEED a bike are those who have to cover some substantial distance on feet, like 5-10 miles, possibly on a daily basis. I don't know if there are kids who do that in the US now (the key word is "now"). Could be in some very rural areas, but I doubt they don't have a bike already or will appreciate getting a used one from some city kids. I actually challenge you to gift a used kids bike to a family in NEED of a USED kids bike. And don't use CL or Facebook, there is no way to know for sure.
You might find 3 options:
1. People like me, who can afford buying, but don't buy. You think those people should just buy, and off course they won't, because they don't think they need it.

2. People who can't afford buying a bike, but do that anyways. Try to give them a used bike. They might even through it away or get really offended, because some "rich gal/dude" gave them a USED bike. Those definitely don't need it, and are going to buy brand new (that's my tenant).

3. Some refugee families (definitely need a bike). But if you try to donate a USED kids bike to a family, the SW is going to nicely tell you that they either accept a quality brand new or a quality used (translation: high end bikes, not some cheap-o hand me downs, you can't sell).

So, please, try and donate a used bike, and then report back. I would like to change my opinion that I'm (and other people in the category #1, aka mustachians) the best candidate for used kids bikes. Otherwise, I'll have to think that your response was baseless and was merely provoked by your jealousy of some single mother owning "several rental properties free and clear."

I hope you enjoyed writing that rant about how poor people don't need a used bike and will be offended if offered one.

Shame it's bunkum, but that's what it is.   

I have zero doubt that if someone holding your opinions as strongly as you appear to do tried to give a bike away to someone in need they might well find themselves offended.    The term is TVC, for Thinly Veiled Contempt, and people don't respond well to it.   

Where I live there's a long running local charity, The Bicycle Man.    Started out  as one guy who would repair donated bikes and give them away to poor families at Christmas and got bigger.   It's been in operation at least 18 years and survived the passing of the fine man who started it.

Feel free to send them a bicycle or a check.   The people lining up for the bikes seem to think they need them.   Maybe they know better than you do what their needs are.

http://www.thebicycleman.bike/


facepalm

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Re: wife is frustrated with advice from sister, "you have to pay him"
« Reply #35 on: May 19, 2019, 01:55:45 PM »
OP: So did you pay the guy? :-)