Funeral etiquette

[chicklets123]

If you cannot attend is flowers or $ in a card better?

Is it bad to give a dining/food gift card?


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[Cranky]

Is there any indication in the obit as to what the family wants? (In all fairness, sending flowers and cards has nothing to do with whether I attend the funeral or not.)

At least half the obits I see locally ask for donations to a charity in lieu of flowers.

I know that giving money to the family is more common in some areas than others, but I would only do that if the deceased had young children or I knew that the family was likely to have difficulty with funeral costs.

[Weisass]

As someone who officiated funerals here are my two cents: if you were really close to the deceased [best friend, relative, lifelong coworker], flowers can be a nice gesture. If you weren’t close enough to be in the will, donate to a cause they cared about and let the family know how much you miss/loved them in a letter or in person. And be sure to tell the good stories about them to people grieving, because those are priceless.

[lollylegs]

I would send a card, or flowers if you can't attend. I wouldn't give money or donate unless it was requested by the family. When my mother died I did not expect to feel so moved by peoples cards and gifts of flowers - I felt so incredibly supported,and many of these people I did not know, as flowers and cards started arriving at our house. Until I experienced it myself I would not have thought that a card with a few kind words could have such an impact on me. taking the time to write a card really matters.

[markbike528CBX]

I've heard that death metal is not considered appropriate at funerals. Who knew?

[marble_faun]

A card of condolence is all that is needed.  It's nice to share some good stories or memories of the person who passed.

No money necessary, though if the family requested donations to a certain place, that can be a nice gesture.

[BicycleB]

As someone who officiated funerals here are my two cents: if you were really close to the deceased [best friend, relative, lifelong coworker], flowers can be a nice gesture. If you weren’t close enough to be in the will, donate to a cause they cared about and let the family know how much you miss/loved them in a letter or in person. And be sure to tell the good stories about them to people grieving, because those are priceless.

+1 to telling a story about the deceased. If you know the deceased but not the family, the same holds true for them. When you tell what the deceased meant to you, or something they did that you liked, or something you will always remember them for, that's exactly the kind of thing a family member may not know about how their loved one was seen by others. Write your story in a card and send it.

Personally, I favor adding flowers too. But tell the story. You don't know how many family and friends will appreciate it. Let them know.