What to send to a funeral I'm not attending?

[FiguringItOut]

Hi.  Sorry, this is completely off topic.

My ex's cousin has tragically died in a hiking accident last week.  The funeral is this Saturday.  My ex is flying out.  I'm not going since we dont have anybody we can leave kids with, otherwise I'd be on the airplane with him without a second thought.  I was very close with his relatives and this is a huge loss for all of us. 

What can I send to the family?  I don't feel that flowers to the funeral home would be a good idea.  For some reason it doesn't feel right.  What else can I do from across the country?  Send fruit basket to the house?  I have no idea.  Any suggestions would be helpful.  I'm not sure what is the proper etiquette here.  What do people actually want or find useful/comforting at such tragic time?


ETA: Sorry for double post

[partgypsy]

usually the invitation or announcement has information if you want to donate money on behalf of that person. A condolences card is always appropriate.

[I'm a red panda]

A card.

Is there a charity that the deceased supported? A gift in memory is appropriate. (But don't give to anything polarizing if you aren't sure!)

I'm sorry for your loss.

[FatCat]

I don't like sending flowers, but I would probably send flowers anyway. At the last funeral I was at, the family was upset that there weren't more flowers for leaving on the grave. They found the lack of flowers very upsetting. I was initially thinking about sending something else because I assumed many people would send flowers but I ended up really relieved that I had decided to send flowers. They really liked artificial flowers too because they could put them back out once the live flowers left at the grave had died. 

They were actually irritated by charitable donation letters. Primarily because they were angry with the charity that was being donated to. If they didn't mention a charity in the funeral announcement, don't send it to a charity. Also this particular family had to pay all the funeral costs themselves and would have preferred the money went to a fund to pay for the funeral instead of the charity.

Fruit basket is good if they eat fruit. Snack basket is good if they don't. I wouldn't send a candy basket because it seems inappropriate to me for a funeral but I know some people send this.

Some people send keepsake items. I don't really care to receive these because every time I look at them, it reminds me of the funeral.

[AZDude]

Depends on the family. If its an upper middle class family, then just a card with a sincere handwritten note or letter. Maybe some flowers too. If they are a relatively poor family, they may struggle with funeral costs and you could offer to help pay for some of it.

Its always tough. People are understandably emotional during these kinds of times and often go crazy over the most irrelevant perceived slight. In the end, nothing really helps but time.

[okits]

Unless there's an "in lieu of flowers" notice, send flowers and a card with some heartfelt condolences (don't just sign your name.) Depending on the circumstance, offer money to help with the funeral or any dependants left behind, charitable donation if one is specifically indicated, send something to make life easier for a while if your relationship is really close (food/take out gift cards, cleaning service, etc.) And call or visit reasonably soon.

[PFHC]

Hi.  Sorry, this is completely off topic.

My ex's cousin has tragically died in a hiking accident last week.  The funeral is this Saturday.  My ex is flying out.  I'm not going since we dont have anybody we can leave kids with, otherwise I'd be on the airplane with him without a second thought.  I was very close with his relatives and this is a huge loss for all of us. 

What can I send to the family?  I don't feel that flowers to the funeral home would be a good idea.  For some reason it doesn't feel right.  What else can I do from across the country?  Send fruit basket to the house?  I have no idea.  Any suggestions would be helpful.  I'm not sure what is the proper etiquette here.  What do people actually want or find useful/comforting at such tragic time?


ETA: Sorry for double post

I agree with the folks that are suggesting a donation made in his name.

Or you could get creative and make something to commemorate him, maybe a plaque honoring his life to be posted at the site of his death.

usually the invitation or announcement has information if you want to donate money on behalf of that person. A condolences card is always appropriate.

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