Well what the hell, I might as well add my story to this thread. Maybe summing up the last two months will help make me feel better, and I would definitely appreciate a wiser perspective or two. (Warning: long post ahead.)
My girlfriend and I broke up in December. We had been dating for almost three years. She was perfect for me in many ways and she made me incredibly happy. She was no less enamored with me, but as time went on she became increasingly ambivalent about the relationship. Something was making her unhappy and anxious. The feeling would come and go; when it was gone, things were wonderful between us, but when it reappeared it gnawed at her soul and would occasionally lead to bitter arguments. We would discuss what was wrong, but at best she could only conjecture. I was always confident that things would eventually work out, but in retrospect I had no plan aside from waiting for her conflicted feelings to just go away (stupid, I know).
Last fall we moved to a new city together and decided to live together since we'd essentially been doing it already for two years and because it would save a lot of money. Over the next few months she grew increasingly unhappy and our arguments became more and more frequent. When she took some timid initial steps toward breaking up after Thanksgiving, the deterioration between us took on a life of its own, accelerating into a whirlwind of emotional confusion that led us to break up just to try making sense of what had happened. She moved out and we split the half of the rent she had been paying (an agreement we'd come to before moving in – I guess the possibility was on our minds back then).
The following month was brutal for both of us. We were both devastated. She fell into depression and her anxiety worsened. We met in person once or twice and talked over the phone a few times, trying to figure out what had happened, but we usually ended up arguing. She told me it never seemed like I really cared about her, which for me was a perplexing and deeply hurtful accusation. I found out (long story) that right after our breakup she'd had sex with a close friend of hers, one who had given her emotional support when she found herself racked with confusion about our relationship. While I knew I couldn't hold this against her—I'd have done the exact same thing given the opportunity—I couldn't help but feel intense jealousy and anger. Over the next few weeks, this clouded my perspective on who she was and what she was going through. I imagined her going along just fine without me, not caring about how I was doing, which led me to say some awful things to her and resolve not to contact her again. At this point we'd been broken up for almost a month and I felt worse than ever.
Then came a turning point. She called me and showed great patience and understanding, trying to calm me down and understand why I had suddenly told her to go fuck herself. This led to a long and life-changing conversation. She told me that her ambivalence stemmed from the fact that I was the type of person to consistently put my own needs and wants before those of anyone else, while she was the opposite type of person. This manifested itself, she told me, in a variety of ways. That conversation brought together several recent insights, and to my horror I realized that she was right.
I realized she was a much wiser person than I was. I looked at myself with an entirely new perspective, and I was disgusted and astounded by what I saw. I realized that while I had always been happy to be the recipient of others' generosity, I was never similarly generous to others. I never gave her feelings the serious consideration they deserved. I was cheap with her. Furthermore, after our breakup she had shown me kindness after I had been so harsh to her, which was incredibly touching and inspiring. Trying to at least make things somewhat right, I got her flowers and made her a card. We parted on good terms, resolving not to talk for a while, and I set about trying to change myself.
I realized that the frugality principles I had come to embody since discovering this site were actually quite dangerous when wielded by an ungenerous spirit. The problem was not with MMM's ideas, but with the way I had misused them. I had come to think of generosity like it was just another optional personal expenditure: parting with the money (or time) is something unpleasant that should be avoided until I'm FI. Generosity, I know now, is nothing like that – not like any other use of money or time. It is an attitude that cannot be faked: the joy of knowing that you were able to make a positive difference in the life of another. If you give out of generosity, you don't miss what you gave up. The principles of MMM are profound and true, but only if you restrict them completely to yourself. Frugality is about deciding what truly matters to you and adjusting your consumption accordingly, but if you impose those decisions on others, you have likely crossed the border into cheapness. I am trying to distance myself from the ideas on this site for a while until I feel prepared to handle them with maturity.
I realized that I would rather have a generous heart and be completely broke than be wealthy, stingy, and selfish (not that you should choose one extreme or the other – in fact I'm sure you maximize your ability to give by finding a balance). I'm now on a wait list for volunteering at a local community shelter and am researching some charities to give to. I told my ex not to worry about paying me rent like we had agreed on, which will save her about $2000 over the course of the lease. We had actually talked about that before and I had gotten very angry, but now it just seemed like the right thing to do. I am pretty well off for my age while she is really struggling financially.
Unfortunately, all of this has left me feeling even worse about the breakup because the personal changes I now feel compelled to follow through with could very well have saved the relationship. After a few weeks of no contact between us, I broke down a few days ago and asked her if she'd consider trying again. We talked about it and had a (depressingly) wonderful time reconnecting, but the bottom line is that while she would love to try again as much as I would, it's too soon for her. So we agreed not to contact each other for a long time. I told her to let me know if she ever changed her mind. I do not plan on trying to initiate anything with her again; I think it would need to be her decision, not mine.
So now I'm just trying to forget about someone I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with. This breakup is the worst thing that's happened to me as an adult, and I resolved shortly after it happened to turn it into the best. I have a lot of self-improvement I need to do, and some of it will be much easier while single. I've resolved to take advantage of every possible opportunity afforded by this tumultuous life change, and have been succeeding so far. I'm just waiting for it not to hurt so damn much. I know there are other fish in the sea, that I'm not defined by my relationship, etc., but this is small consolation right now.
