Please Weigh In, Can't Ask Anyone Else - Burial Planning

[SavinMaven]

My spouse and I are in our 40s but learned a couple months ago that he is seriously ill and not expected to have a 'normal' lifespan. We are hoping for the best, but, toured two cemeteries today as I can't fathom doing it alone. We are stuck between two options and knowing Mustachians are an intelligent bunch I'm hoping for some words of wisdom:

1) one option is to purchase a space big enough to hold two urns as we both intend to be cremated. I significantly prefer the aesthetics and location of this option, but, it's only big enough for two, there is no extra room.

2) another option is to purchase a space big enough to hold one casket, but, put our two urns in it instead. The cemetery allows up to four urns in the space one casket takes up, and we have two children, currently teenagers. Should, God forbid, one of our children die young, or not marry at all and want to be interred with us, having "extra" space makes that possible.

In short, if I could see the future, and our kids are lucky enough to grow up and marry and want to be buried elsewhere, I would rather we have the space for two. Since that is hopefully the statistically most likely outcome, I hate to "forego" the preferred aesthetic and location if they won't be joining us. But, should the unthinkable happen, having "extra" space with us could be a significant comfort in a moment of need.

Obviously this is all pretty emotional, and we're not talking to anyone about it IRL. Also, in very un-Mustachian fashion, we don't have price info yet, and can't get it before Monday at the earliest, but that is not our foremost consideration.

So, would you value the spot you like, or, 'extra' space just in case, and why?

[secondcor521]

I'd choose option #1 with the thought that in the far distant future, one or the other of your kids could have you moved from spot #1 to a more spacious location so they could be buried with you in that unlikely event.  Since you'll be long dead, you presumably won't notice or care.

Condolences on his bad luck.

[CodingHare]

That's super hard, my sympathies to you and your families.  Glad you've identified ways to make this easier.

I would personally go for the preferred location.  If the absolute worst case scenario hit your family (super unlikely), you could always have the urns relocated.  And I imagine it would be more comforting to the kids not to have to process having a spot in reserve for themselves, especially since they are so young.  At least, I'd be really weirded out if my parents had ever bought me a spot.

[Sibley]

Would statistics be helpful to you? IE, what is the actual statistical risk of your teens dying before age 30? Google "actuarial life expectancy", there's a few that came up pretty readily. Social Security has them for example. Some people would like this, others would not, so if it doesn't fit your personality don't worry about it.

[Blackeagle]

Do whatever gives you greatest peace of mind.  This is a situation where you should be optimizing for your mental health, rather than anything financial.

[wageslave23]

Option 1.  I'm sorry for your situation.

[aetheldrea]

Definitely option 1. If the cemetery is somewhere you might visit often, you don’t want want to be reminded of the remote possibility of your children pre-deceasing you every time you go there.
My oldest son died young (2 1/2) and my wife and I bought the plot next to his for us to be buried in. Whenever I go there I get to walk on my own grave, definitely a memento mori.

[Loren Ver]

I'm so sorry for the situation.  I hope this planning helps you find peace.

I think looking at the situation, you should see what problem you are trying to solve and if it is giving you a new problem. 

You want a place for you and your spouse to be buried, option one takes care of that. 
Does buying the bigger plot solve more problems (i.e. solve a long term, keep you up at night worry you will have for years to come etc.) or is it just giving you more thing to worry and think about at a time you don't need to be looking for more (unlikely) things to be spending your valuable time and energy worrying and thinking about?

If it's the former, then go with option two as it solves additional problems (hopefully at a reasonable cost).  If the latter, then go with option one and use your energy where it can be put to better use. 

Loren

[Dicey]

Badass of you to look this situation in the face. I hope you don't need to execute these plans for a very long time.

Two anecdotes: My grandparents were buried in Mt. Auburn Cemetery in Cambridge, MA. They made some provision for their youngest daughter, who was never expected to marry. When she died many years later, her body was cremated and interred at the site. The charge to dig a small hole on an existing plot was five grand.

My in laws bought vault space at a fancy place called "Chapel of the Chimes" in CA. They charged a thousand dollars just to open the door.

The fine print may help you make the best decision.

[TomTX]

Two anecdotes: My grandparents were buried in Mt. Auburn Cemetery in Cambridge, MA. They made some provision for their youngest daughter, who was never expected to marry. When she died many years later, her body was cremated and interred at the site. The charge to dig a small hole on an existing plot was five grand.

$5K!??!?!

I'd be going in there off-hours with the urn and a shovel...

[partgypsy]

All I can tell you, the whole process will be a lot more expensive than you thought. The more you can do to prepare for it financially (having prepaid, etc) you are doing yourselves and your kids a service.

My parents when they were still married, bought 3 plots, one for grandmother (who lived with us), one each for the parents. After my brother died we found out that they allow per plot 1 coffin, and 1 urn. So my brother was cremated. Granmother passed on quite a while ago, Dad passed this past year. Whenever Mom kicks the bucket she will be interred and my brother at the same time (it's cheaper that way). For now brother 's urn is in my younger brother's house, on a shelf with some pictures of him.

I don't particularly care where I am buried/cremated. I guess preferences, would be some place of natural beauty, but could be done on the sly (as long as the ashes are not harmful to wildlife, etc).

The only thing I would say is, if it gives you better peace of mind to somehow provide a place for the kids after death, then do that if it will bother you.

[Dicey]

Two anecdotes: My grandparents were buried in Mt. Auburn Cemetery in Cambridge, MA. They made some provision for their youngest daughter, who was never expected to marry. When she died many years later, her body was cremated and interred at the site. The charge to dig a small hole on an existing plot was five grand.

$5K!??!?!

I'd be going in there off-hours with the urn and a shovel...

I wasn't going to mention it, because I didn't want to hijack the thread, but since you brought it up... A year or so before my aunt passed, my cousin passed away. His mom had him cremated and put a scoop of his ashes into a bunch of cute clamshells. (I seriously doubt she did this herself. Perhaps it's a service crematoriums offer?) She gave us each one and asked us to scatter his ashes to the four winds, as he was a world traveler and explorer. In return, she asked to know where we placed them. A Boston-based cousin still had hers, so she decided to inter them with our recently deceased aunt, as the two of them had been great pals. On Saturday, we had the official service, complete with bagpiper. The next day, we all came back, and a small garden spade was used to surreptitiously dig a smaller hole within the $5k hole to inter the clamshell of his ashes. We sang, said prayers and told stories. Both "services" were lovely. Apparently, frugality runs deep in our family.

Related: My cousin was a dealer in Tahoe for many years. It was the sort of thing he could leave and come back to, which suited his wanderlust. There's a place called Daffodil Hill not too far from Tahoe. Every Spring, it blooms with thousands upon thousands of daffodils. I'd bet my cousin knew about it, and if he didn't, he would have liked to, so that's where I chose to scatter my clamshell of ashes. Fast forward a couple of years and the family who owns the property got overwhelmed with the tourist crush and shut it down. I'm glad a part of my cousin gets to enjoy it forever.

[secondcor521]

My grandfather was Scottish and famously frugal.  When his wife died, they chose to have a dual headstone.  As is traditional, they carved her information and carved his name and birthdate as well, leaving his yet unknown death date off.

As the story goes, he sees this happening and asked what happened when he died.  The reply was that they'd come out, remove the headstone back to the shop, carve his death date on it, and return and reinstall the marker at the grave site.

Well how much does that cost? he asked.  Whatever probably reasonable number it was shocked his conscience, so he told them to go ahead and carve a date a few years in the future on there so as to save the extra charge.  They pointed out that the date would most likely be wrong, but he insisted.

So somewhere in a cemetery in the LA basin, my grandpa's marker has the wrong death date on it out of frugality.  (He outlived the date by a year or two but it was close.)

[Dicey]

My grandfather was Scottish and famously frugal.  When his wife died, they chose to have a dual headstone.  As is traditional, they carved her information and carved his name and birthdate as well, leaving his yet unknown death date off.

As the story goes, he sees this happening and asked what happened when he died.  The reply was that they'd come out, remove the headstone back to the shop, carve his death date on it, and return and reinstall the marker at the grave site.

Well how much does that cost? he asked.  Whatever probably reasonable number it was shocked his conscience, so he told them to go ahead and carve a date a few years in the future on there so as to save the extra charge.  They pointed out that the date would most likely be wrong, but he insisted.

So somewhere in a cemetery in the LA basin, my grandpa's marker has the wrong death date on it out of frugality.  (He outlived the date by a year or two but it was close.)

OMG, I love that story! Someday, some genealogist will be tearing their hair out.

P.S. I just shared your story with the aunt I mentioned and she loved it too. She says that her info is on her husband's gravestone and that at the time she purchased it, it wasn't all that expensive to add her info later. Of course, she isn't Scottish, but she is pretty darn mustachian.

Also, great advice from kina.

[kina]

Although you may prefer to make these decisions right now, there is the option to do nothing until later.

My husband died 8 months ago and I still have his ashes (in a lovely wooden box). My plan is to wait until it is feasible to take a leisurely road trip around the country with him, leaving a bit of him behind in places we visited together and loved, and a few we didn't get to. I'm hoping 2022...

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[Focus_on_the_fire]

I would do option 1 as well. I think there are just too many unknowns for option 2.  I am so very sorry for you both. Take care.

[debbie does duncan]

I am sorry you have had such bad news. Can you both go and pick out an urn ?  When you are ready to scatter the ashes go to the stop you both picked out together. My mother lies in her urn, yrs later bc my sister cannot let go.

[AMandM]

All my sympathy on this bad news.
Since it sounds like the most likely scenario is that you and your kids will be visiting your husband's grave for quite a while before anyone else needs to be buried, I would go for option 1 so that you can enjoy the surroundings.

[Nutty]

We were taking care of a friend and asked about Urns.  Found out the ashes would be returned in a cardboard box.  That suited him fine and he got a chuckle out of it.  Cheapest way possible.  The box came in a velvet bag.

We left him in little piles in the Florida Keys.  Swimming in the Atlantic.

May you love as long as you live.  And live as long as you want. - Heinlein

[kite]

Since you intend to be cremated, is it necessary to select a place for the ashes right now?
My friend Ricardo died last fall.  He was 99.  His wife died over 30 years ago in a state about a day's drive away from where he ended up living with his son.  It was nice that her ashes weren't buried in the place where they used to live but where they no longer had any family.  The ashes went in a place closer to where his son lives now and near where his grandchildren are raising their families.

[bloodaxe]

I plan on getting buried in a green burial setting. This involves the deceased being wrapped in a shroud and buried. No emballming fluids are used.

It is cheaper than a traditional burial too.

Hope you don't have to worry about it soon.

[Catbert]

Of your two options, I'd pick #1 since you like the location and setup better.  While it's possible, its statistically unlikely that either of your children will need/want the extra space in option #2.  As others have pointed out you could always take the urn out and go a different direction in the unlikely event its necessary.

Personally, I'll be cremated as cheaply as possible and scattered from a plastic bag.  It really depends on whether you and your family feel the need to have somewhere to "visit".

So sorry for your coming loss.

[partgypsy]

I plan on getting buried in a green burial setting. This involves the deceased being wrapped in a shroud and buried. No emballming fluids are used.

It is cheaper than a traditional burial too.

Hope you don't have to worry about it soon.

How are you handling this? For example the cemetary where my father was buried the simplest was a wooden casket, and had to have liner (we had it open to to the ground).

[bloodaxe]

I plan on getting buried in a green burial setting. This involves the deceased being wrapped in a shroud and buried. No emballming fluids are used.

It is cheaper than a traditional burial too.

Hope you don't have to worry about it soon.

How are you handling this? For example the cemetary where my father was buried the simplest was a wooden casket, and had to have liner (we had it open to to the ground).

Here is a listing of natural/green burial locations: https://www.naturalend.com/where-to-go/

If you googled: "natural burial <my location>" you would probabaly find cemetaries too.

[calimom]

So sorry for what your family is going through, OP.

Of your options, I like #1 since it feels right for you. Overall, there's really no wrong answer. My husband died at a very young age, 37, and I liked the idea of a place for my children and I to visit that didn't feel like a cemetery, or formal in any way. We had a memorial bench made that went into a state park, with his name and dob-dod as well as a Led Zepplin lyric (I'm serious) on it. His ashes were ultimately scattered around it in a very low-key way. I made every attempt to get the required permit, and met snafus - can you imagine - and finally a parks representative just told me to forget the fee and the application and just do it, quietly. So that's what we did.

[BussoV6]

So sorry for what your family is going through, OP.

Of your options, I like #1 since it feels right for you. Overall, there's really no wrong answer. My husband died at a very young age, 37, and I liked the idea of a place for my children and I to visit that didn't feel like a cemetery, or formal in any way. We had a memorial bench made that went into a state park, with his name and dob-dod as well as a Led Zepplin lyric (I'm serious) on it. His ashes were ultimately scattered around it in a very low-key way. I made every attempt to get the required permit, and met snafus - can you imagine - and finally a parks representative just told me to forget the fee and the application and just do it, quietly. So that's what we did.

That is very similar to what we did with my mothers ashes. We had a memorial bench constructed at our state botanical gardens in a spot my mother was very fond of. Then scattered the ashes in a low-key way.

Love the Led Zep lyric idea, what a nice touch.

[TomTX]

So sorry for what your family is going through, OP.

Of your options, I like #1 since it feels right for you. Overall, there's really no wrong answer. My husband died at a very young age, 37, and I liked the idea of a place for my children and I to visit that didn't feel like a cemetery, or formal in any way. We had a memorial bench made that went into a state park, with his name and dob-dod as well as a Led Zepplin lyric (I'm serious) on it. His ashes were ultimately scattered around it in a very low-key way. I made every attempt to get the required permit, and met snafus - can you imagine - and finally a parks representative just told me to forget the fee and the application and just do it, quietly. So that's what we did.

That is very similar to what we did with my mothers ashes. We had a memorial bench constructed at our state botanical gardens in a spot my mother was very fond of. Then scattered the ashes in a low-key way.

Love the Led Zep lyric idea, what a nice touch.

If they're custom casting the bench it wouldn't be hard to have the ashes incorporated into the concrete mix.