Video Memory for Wife in case I die

[cbr shadow]

Ok so the title is a bit dramatic, but basically covers what I'm trying to do..
My relationship with my wife is great, and I feel like I really won the lottery with her.  I always get this feeling that things are so good with her that they can't possibly last.  Like one of us is going to get into a bad car accident, life threatening illness, etc.  I know it's probably irrational to think this way, but that feeling also REALLY makes me appreciate what we have right now and live in the moment.
We also have lots of great adventures and experiences in our lives.  We're lucky enough to have high paying jobs that are flexible and since we don't currently have kids we're able to live in different cities/countries while we're young.

Anyways, I've been making short videos (3-5 min long each) on my webcam where I talk to the camera as if I'm talking to my wife and I talk about our adventures here in Australia (we're living here for 2 years), talk about our nice evenings out, and tell her how I feel about her.  The goal is to save these somewhere that she'll find them if something happens to me in the distant future.  I think it would be a cool thing for her to find a cloud account or a hard drive with tons of videos on it that she can watch.  This is similar to a commercial I'm sure some of you have seen where a dad makes a gmail account and uploads videos every month for his daughter from the day she's born and then give it to her when she's 18. 

On to my question..  Where to I store these items?  I could use the gmail account idea and just send emails with that video attachment every once in a while, then have the login/password in a place she'll find it.  Thoughts?  Any better ideas?

Thanks,
CBR

[Kris]

Posting to follow. This is a lovely idea.

[southern granny]

It's a lovely thought, but hopefully you are telling her all these things now.  If not, you need to be.  A man from our church was healthy and happy just a couple of months ago.  He discovered he had leukemia.  While his immune system was suppressed from chemo, he developed pneumonia and now he is gone.  He leaves behind two children and a pregnant wife.   

[JLee]

Dropbox, Google Drive, Amazon Cloud, Microsoft OneDrive, etc?

[cbr shadow]

I agree and I definitely tell her how I feel about her now.  Still, she's sentimental and I know she'd love to look back at some of these videos in the future.
Also that's a pretty horrible story about your friend from church - sorry to hear that!

[obstinate]

You should store at least two copies, in places whose failure would not be correlated. So, for example, in Google Drive, and, separately, on your local machine. You could also use some manner of backup service.

[Don Jean]

You can create a Google account and store them on Google Drive. That allows you to categorise and organise the content. Google allows you to set up priviliges that activate when the account has been inactive for a certain amount of time, namely in the event of death. It contacts the individual and gives them instructions for accessing your account. Within gmail you can write emails and link/attach the video. Fantastic idea :)

[FLA]

I'd want a fool proof plan that she would find them.  Like putting something in your will about "look at such and such account", you don't have to even hint at the wonderful surprise that will be waiting for her. 

this is such a loving, kind thing to do and speaking as a former Hospice nurse, something like this eases the grieving process at least a bit for most people

[JLee]

https://www.seroundtable.com/google-inactive-account-manager-16637.html

[okits]

I'd want a fool proof plan that she would find them.  Like putting something in your will about "look at such and such account", you don't have to even hint at the wonderful surprise that will be waiting for her. 

this is such a loving, kind thing to do and speaking as a former Hospice nurse, something like this eases the grieving process at least a bit for most people

cbr shadow is basically the modern version of sol's other grandpa.

I second obstinate's suggestions.  OP, what a sweet thing to do!

[K-ice]

Be sure to will access to all your passwords & digital material.

http://www.ibtimes.co.uk/apple-refused-give-elderly-widow-password-late-husbands-apple-id-without-court-order-1538780

[arebelspy]

It's a lovely thought, but hopefully you are telling her all these things now.

+1.  If she dies first, and never sees them?

It's a cute idea, and there are variations on it I like a lot, but let her know, many, many times a day, how you feel.

[arebelspy]

This is similar to a commercial I'm sure some of you have seen where a dad makes a gmail account and uploads videos every month for his daughter from the day she's born and then give it to her when she's 18. 

For those curious:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4vkVHijdQk

[cbr shadow]

It's a lovely thought, but hopefully you are telling her all these things now.

+1.  If she dies first, and never sees them?

It's a cute idea, and there are variations on it I like a lot, but let her know, many, many times a day, how you feel.

That's a fair point about her dying first - I guess I'll just have to take that risk haha.  There's also a reasonable possibility that we would die at the same time considering how often we're together!!   Bottom line is that she definitely knows how I feel even without the videos, but it'd be a nice way for her to see our lives from my point of view over many years of our lives.

Arebelspy, glad you jumped in!  I've been following your "where in the world is Arebelspy" thread.   Curious, what are the other variations of this video memory idea?  I'd like to know if something will suit my situation better than what I'm doing.

[Bertram]

TBH, I don't know if it's such a great idea. Sure we all want and expect to be mourned and missed when we are gone, and we want a little bit to feel like we last a bit longer if we are remembered. But if the main goal is to do something nice for your wife, the question should be what would make her most happy and how will she want to continue with her life. And to give her a feeling that - once you're gone! - your love was so much greater and she'll never find another one like you... well, I don't know. It could evoke feelings of guilt preventing her from "moving on", it could set a  higher benchmark for future relationships, and so forth.

I think it's better to focus that energy on the now and build good memories together. If you already are, all the better. But respect that once you're dead, you're dead and I don't think you have the right to reach beyond your grave and influence her on her future course.

People deal with loss in very different and very individual ways, I am not arguing that in some cases it may help positively, but I am also sure that in others it could have negative effects. Human memories are the way they are for a reason, and the ability to "forget" or to recreate memories in slightly different ways when remembering them is an important aspect in finding happiness.

I am sorry if it sounds too harsh, but given that we are dealing with hypotheticals anyway I felt it was OK to voice this opinion here. And before anyone asks - yes I am in a happy relationships for almost 20 years now, and we've been through some very dark times as well, but there is no uncertainty whether we'll be together till one of us dies. But then again, both of us are very much centered in the now and not big on memorabilia and traditions (mixed race and mixed religion relationships are often that way I guess), other than a little box of pictures condensing memories of almost 40 years. We are both big believers that the more energy you spent for the past or the future, the less you experience the now. Keep what you must to help you through the now and what may need in the future, but no more.

[Nickels Dimes Quarters]

I would not want this.

A family member knew she was terminally ill so she began buying christmas and birthday presents for all of the grandchildren through their 18th birthdays and then a wedding gift as well with cards that she signed. Some of these kids were so little when she passed, they never even knew her. Then there were other grandchildren born after she died. The first year she passed, everyone got the gifts. After that, her husband decided it was just too much for everyone and too weird, so he stopped. I cannot tell you how relieved everyone was. It was impossible to move forward with those gifts waiting. Sure, it was a nice thought, but it was selfish.

If you want this not to be about you, but about your wife, then say it to her and make every day memorable in person.

NDQ

[Giro]

I agree with the last two posts.  I know you mean well, but maybe pictures in a scrapbook would be better.  That way she can look at them and put them away.  I would focus on her moving on if you were to die before her.  If you are truly happy, let her know now and maybe even have the discussion that you would want her to remarry if you died.  You don't want to haunt her future.  Also, a video memoriam wouldn't exactly capture the "real life".  It captures the perfect moments and all of the happy times.  Her next relationship may be judged against what you captured and not what it really was.  We all have boring days where nothing "great" happens and little butterflies are not alive in our tummies...blah blah.  If that makes sense.  That would cause potential heartbreak and the inability to move on. 

[dude]

A retirement planner (Benefits Specialist) who worked for our agency used to harp about have a fireproof safebox to store all important documents that would significantly aid a loved one through the transition in the event of one's death.  Things like insurance policies, investment accounts, bank accounts, credit card accounts, passwords, etc.  This would also be a good place to store the identity of the location and password for the video account you envision.  I engage in some risky activities (mountaineering, ice/rock climbing, scuba diving, backcountry snowboarding) where the possibility of an untimely death is always ever present, so a few years ago, I made a list of all my accounts, with usernames and passwords, as well as my employer's publications about my benefits, etc..  In that folder, I penned a good-bye letter to my wife in the event that I should meet an untimely death.  It was a very emotional experience for me. My hope is it will provide closure (especially should my body be lost) to her and help aid her transition to a life post-me.  I'm very happy to have done it, though I hope she never gets the chance to read the letter . . .

[Inevitable]

My wife and I are just like you guys.  I would want to have every memory I could of her.  There would be no moving on for me.  I have zero interest in ever being with anyone else.  With that said, if I was the one making the videos I would focus them around helping her to deal with the loss.  I would want her to know how much I love her, and I would make sure she knows that I want her to live her life to the fullest.  I don't think losing the love of your life is something you ever really get over.  The best you can really hope is that you can learn to cope with the loss.

[MsSindy]

I think your storage questions have been answered, so I'll comment on my emotional reaction.

We just celebrated our 25th anniversary together, and our lives really do revolve around us as a couple (no kids).  We've had the discussion as to what would you do if.....  and I made it very clear that the best way to honor me and our relationship together is to find another relationship that is just as wonderful and will make you just as happy (just no young floozie, please!!).  I have thoroughly enjoyed being married and would want that again.  Sure, I would roll up in a ball and cry for months, but I would want to move on with my life at some point, and I know that I have his blessing to do so without guilt.  We only want what is best for each other, even if that means being with someone else when we're no longer here.

Besides, I'm such a remarkable woman, I know he could never forget me!!  :)

(edit) I guess my point is, that having videos especially made for one's death would just make the above that much harder.  I think making normal videos of the times you shared is good and would be appreciated.

[CrazyinVA]

I'm coming from a different perspective, I have degenerative neurological issues that have greatly impacted my memory.  I imagine its similar to early alzheimer's.  Having something like that would resolve some of my frustration at my memory loss and feeling like I had lost so much.  Often I have a wisp of a memory and a video or letter could trigger the memory actually helping maintain some semblance of what my life was like and who I was.  If she doesn't like the videos she doesn't have watch them or keep them. 

[Juslookin]

Three years ago this past October my husband was on his way to work and stopped at a red light in his Honda CR-V. A fully loaded tractor trailer got off the main road and headed down a very steep road, lost control, was unable to stop and ripped the drivers side of the car off.  My husband was wearing his seatbelt but when the car ripped apart it ripped the seatbelt anchor off and tore him out of the car. He flew 25 feet where his head slid under a snowplow. The snowplow blade rested on his chest and he was unable to breathe.

Witnesses rushed to the scene and a nice lady named Missy gave him a phone and he called me and told me he was dying.   In the five minutes I spoke to him until the paramedics arrived I told him everything I should have been telling him everyday.  I still tell him now, everyday, because he didn't die, although no one can understand how he survived.

The videos are lovely, but how about if you call her right now too?

[arebelspy]

Three years ago this past October my husband was on his way to work and stopped at a red light in his Honda CR-V. A fully loaded tractor trailer got off the main road and headed down a very steep road, lost control, was unable to stop and ripped the drivers side of the car off.  My husband was wearing his seatbelt but when the car ripped apart it ripped the seatbelt anchor off and tore him out of the car. He flew 25 feet where his head slid under a snowplow. The snowplow blade rested on his chest and he was unable to breathe.

Witnesses rushed to the scene and a nice lady named Missy gave him a phone and he called me and told me he was dying.   In the five minutes I spoke to him until the paramedics arrived I told him everything I should have been telling him everyday.  I still tell him now, everyday, because he didn't die, although no one can understand how he survived.

Wow, scary.  I'm glad he's okay!

[soccerluvof4]

Touching idea but I too think its more important to let them know today how you feel which it sounds like you are doing. Having said that I liked the idea of writing a letter or in your case maybe a video but short and telling her the importance of living life to the fullest.

[GuitarStv]

Pffft . . . you can't fuck a video.  GuitarStv recommends:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/04/28/dildo-cremated-ashes_n_7155856.html



:D

[Juslookin]

Three years ago this past October my husband was on his way to work and stopped at a red light in his Honda CR-V. A fully loaded tractor trailer got off the main road and headed down a very steep road, lost control, was unable to stop and ripped the drivers side of the car off.  My husband was wearing his seatbelt but when the car ripped apart it ripped the seatbelt anchor off and tore him out of the car. He flew 25 feet where his head slid under a snowplow. The snowplow blade rested on his chest and he was unable to breathe.

Witnesses rushed to the scene and a nice lady named Missy gave him a phone and he called me and told me he was dying.   In the five minutes I spoke to him until the paramedics arrived I told him everything I should have been telling him everyday.  I still tell him now, everyday, because he didn't die, although no one can understand how he survived.

Wow, scary.  I'm glad he's okay!

He is okay, thank you. 

[MsSindy]

Pffft . . . you can't fuck a video.  GuitarStv recommends:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/04/28/dildo-cremated-ashes_n_7155856.html



:D

Okay, that's just creepy!  Kind of funny, but creepy.   

[soccerluvof4]

Pffft . . . you can't fuck a video.  GuitarStv recommends:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/04/28/dildo-cremated-ashes_n_7155856.html



:D

Just when you thought you have seen anything...cant imagine what this guy must be like

[Fishbot]

Thankfully my S.O. is still here and kickin' but my oldest and dearest friend shuffled off his mortal coil a few years ago. While I have physical things like gifts, cards, and music he wrote still with me I have very few videos of him. What I wouldn't give to be able to clearly hear his voice and his laugh again and not have to rely on the hazy memories I have now. Make those videos!

[Bruinguy]

If you want to make videos, why not just give them to her now (or on V-day or her b'day or ...)?  Then, she gets to enjoy them with you now and has them if you died.

 

 

[cbr shadow]

All really good points brought up here - thanks for the feedback everyone.  It's interesting to see the different opinions here.  Some say it's sweet, some say it's selfish.
I actually wish I had started the videos sooner, but to be honest my wife and I have gotten so much closer since we got married that I'm not surprised I didn't think of it sooner.  We've only been married 5 years and definitely married out of love, but it's gotten much deeper since then.  The videos I'm making are just a fun project that I think she'll appreciate in the future.  What I like about it is that in my opinion (and I know not everyone here agrees with me) the project becomes more special the older it gets.  I'd love to say "I've been doing this for 10 years" or "I've been doing this for 30 years" and give them to her when we're old.

[BJW]

CBR + Forum - great news. I'm the founder of a company that directly addresses CBRs question. We're called LEJEND and a beta of our app goes live in March or April. If anyone on this string is interested in being part of the beta or wants to know more, please email me directly here: lejendapp@gmail.com

More about LEJEND below.
Hope to hear from you.
 - Brian

LEJEND serves two purposes:
1) inspiring people to create more content for their loved ones. Just got engaged? About to have your first baby? Want to record something for family members in case something happens to you? We all have cameras in our pocket and it's easier than ever to make video "diaries" that capture how we're feeling, things we want to say, and other stuff that matters.
2) being a vault for the most important videos and photos from your life - the "best of" content that you'll want for yourself and your family decades from now. t’s not a one-to-many solution (like Facebook, Instagram); it’s a one-to-few solution, the “few” being your immediate family and dearest friends.

[shelivesthedream]

I have told my husband that if (when) he dies before me I will dye all of my clothes black and never love again. I'm not joking. I'm just hoping that I've got sixty or seventy years to get used to the idea.

However, if I found a cache of secret videos I would be fucking creeped out. I would want to know why he never told me for all those years. I wouldn't want to be remembering him as a separate person. I'd want to be remembering us together. And I'd never get to ask him about this weird secret. Sure, make the videos, but don't save them til you die. Make them an annual birthday or anniversary present.