Things you wish that you knew when you were 40

[Mr One Wheel Drive]

Just like the other thread but at twice the age...

I'm about to turn 40, have a young family, been working at a job for a long time now and doing well at it. For those of you 50+, what did you learn that you wish you knew earlier?

[soccerluvof4]

i'm going to turn 50 and have 4 kids so I think thats close enough.

That when my dad and mom said someday when your a parent you will understand! was that an understatement.

Addressing my kids college be it financially or psychologically from the time they are born. I figured I would just pay for it when the time came as i was rolling in it. Hard times hit and i was conservative enough to still be on solid ground but its still going to cost me. Because of that I talk myself into what my responsibilities should or shouldn't be as my kids now are getting closer to college based on the effect it will have on me.

My kids are heavy into sports (soccer) and we travel all over the country and as an ex athlete i dont live through my kids in sports BUT While i think its good for them in so many ways I think its equally important that they have more balance in life than they do now.

My choice to be in there lives is the best choice i made.  Dont be an absentee parent in good times and or bad.!

Teach them from the get go how to do things. My kids have pumped gas , paid at the counters, whatever as soon as i could teach them. I guess street smarts. I am more street smart my wife more book smart so balance.

Realize that every time you get in a fight or disagreement with your wife not to make it personal and remember your partner is your best friend.

The biggest thing when i sit down and think about this as I type this is the difference now even at 40 then now is how i am just a hell of alot more patient in my decision making process because i have learned to be more responsible in everything. The sooner you really get that,,,,,the sooner you will accomplish your goals in life. Dont be to spontaneous.

DB

[Capsu78]

The speed with which your kids grow.

[WonderingAgain]

What I wish I'd known at 40 -

That the vast majority of the 'story' we were taught was a lie.

That it doesn't matter if you eat a salad every day you're still going to die and it's not going to be the death you were afraid of that gets you. It's going to be the one that comes zinging in out of left field.

That most people will lie to get whatever they want and won't feel a twinge.

That the small joys are the ones you need to notice and sink in to.

That it's ok to be grateful for what you have and enjoy.

That my wishes matter too.

That it's all an adventure, the good, the bad and the just ordinary days.

Good Adventure.

[vern]

Where I left my car keys.

[dragoncar]

Good thread... hope it keeps rolling. 

[Beridian]

Hardest lesson that I have learned in my life (I am 54):

Alimony (Spousal Support) is real and it is a crushing blow.   Like most people I thought my marriage was fine, then I was blindsided.  I also was one of those well intended (no good deed goes unpunished) men who worked hard and thought it was a good idea to let their wife be a stay at home mom to tend to the kids.   After being blindsided when she filed for divorce, I was horrified to find out that I was certainly going to have to pay a great deal of alimony to my ex. It was only a question of how much and for how long.  The factors for alimony are (1) when one spouse has a substantial income compare to the other (as when the woman has been a stay at home mom, in our case she stayed at home for about 10 years), and (2) a long term marriage, in our case 21 years.   My ex conveniently was unable to find employment during the divorce process, which would have brought our incomes closer together and lowered the spousal support, until (you guessed it) she magically scored a job about a week after the ink was dry on the judgment.

So along with losing ½ of my worldly wealth (which I acknowledge she had a legitimate claim to), I now face a bunch of years of paying the equivalent of a very large second mortgage payment in the form of spousal support.   Oh yeah, I was also forced to help pay off all her charge card debt.   My attorney said I got off easy and potentially could have ended up paying alimony until either she or I died.   

Lessons learned:   (1) DO NOT LET YOUR SPOUSE STAY AT HOME with no income no matter how great you think your marriage is.  Nobody thinks they are going to get divorced when they get married, yet look at the statistics.   Make it your business to insure that both you and your spouse maintain roughly equal income earning abilities.  (2) GET A PRENUP from a qualified attorney.  (3) Tell your friends, sons, daughters, nephews, nieces and neighbors that when you say I DO you are entering into potential life-long indentured servitude and you are potentially signing away a great many of your rights and a great deal of your wealth.

Be very afraid.

[CommonCents]

Wow Beridan that is a very angry post #4 of yours.  I hope your atty also pointed out that you can go back to court to get it modified if circumstances change (like one of you gets/loses a job).  Also, state laws on alimony do vary so not all places will follow the same as what you suggest.  Finally, took me two uears to find full time work when unemployed - she may not have been putting you on.

[kkbmustang]

Love is a verb, not a noun.

[randymarsh]

Be very afraid.

This. There are so many horror stories I will not get married unless my spouse is also earning a decent income or a pre-nup. Divorce and child support payments are a farce. How much money I need to spend on my kid is up to me, not some arbitrary % of income that goes to the mother for her to spend as she pleases.

I see friends in their early 20s getting married and all I can think is you have no idea what you're getting yourself into.

[121 Seconds]

Be very afraid.

This. There are so many horror stories I will not get married unless my spouse is also earning a decent income or a pre-nup. Divorce and child support payments are a farce. How much money I need to spend on my kid is up to me, not some arbitrary % of income that goes to the mother for her to spend as she pleases.

I see friends in their early 20s getting married and all I can think is you have no idea what you're getting yourself into.

To be fair I am nowhere near 40 but one thing I will never regret is getting married at 23.

Not that it's a game but one bloke once said,
 "To win without risk is to triumph without glory..."

[homehandymum]

Be very afraid.

This. There are so many horror stories I will not get married unless my spouse is also earning a decent income or a pre-nup. Divorce and child support payments are a farce. How much money I need to spend on my kid is up to me, not some arbitrary % of income that goes to the mother for her to spend as she pleases.

I see friends in their early 20s getting married and all I can think is you have no idea what you're getting yourself into.

To be fair I am nowhere near 40 but one thing I will never regret is getting married at 23.

+1  And I *am* close to 40.  Sure, sometimes life turns pear-shaped, but sometimes it is pretty damned sweet.  Married life, being on the same team, communicating clearly and honestly about finances and both partners having the same goals is... awesome.*

After all, the whole point of MMM is to realise that life is WAY more than your financial bottom line, right?  The point of ER is to give yourself the opportunity to live life to the full.

The observation that someone made in another thread that most early retirees got married early, and are still married to that spouse is true.  Two people working together for the same goal have synergy.  Contribution to a marriage cannot be measured in monetary terms.

All of life is risk.  We understand that when it comes to financial investments.  But it's true of *everything*.  By acting, you take a risk.  By loving you take a risk.  And by refusing to marry until all your ducks are in a row and your assets carefully protected so you can keep them to yourself, you take a risk.

It is ALL risk.  There are no guarantees.  As the wonderful Ben Harper says "There's not one day you are living has been promised you".  I guess that's what I've learned as I've gotten older.  Death and disaster are inevitable in some form or other.  Live life anyway.


*And sure, I may find myself penning bitter diatribes on some future incarnation of an internet forum, some black day in the future.  But maybe I won't.  Remember, there are three types of lie - Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics.

[nottoolatetostart]

Wow, Beridian's post scares me. I currently but would like to SAHM. My DH and I are about 3-5 years away from early retirement, depending on if I work or not. We will be 40, or nearly 40, by the 5-year mark.

Divorce scares me tremendously for a number of reasons and it scares me to be financially dependent on my DH. It's one of the reasons why I don't want to be a SAHM.

[MrsPete]

To be fair I am nowhere near 40 but one thing I will never regret is getting married at 23.[/center]

Make it married at 24, and I'll say the same thing.  Marrying my husband was the best choice I ever made, and although it's easy to say, "These things just happen", they usually don't.  Reasonable people (and why would you ever marry someone who isn't reasonable?) don't just walk out of a good marriage. 

Here's an analogy:  You buy a new house, and it's great!  You love the house, you put effort into painting the living room, arranging the furniture nicely, making new curtains.  You gain a great deal of pleasure from your house . . . but as time goes on, the newness wears off, and you begin to ignore your house.  You should fix that leaky faucet in the half-bath, but it's easier just to use the other bathroom and pretend there's no problem.  You know your roof is wearing out, and you'll need to replace it soon, but you push it to the back of  your mind.  Your home no longer brings you all that much joy.  In fact, sometimes you wonder why you even bother with it.  You're taking it for granted, and you're forgetting that back when you garnered so much joy from the house, you used to put more effort into it. 

A relationship is the same.  When you're dating, you present yourself at your best:  You dress nicely, you put effort into where you're going to go, what you're going to do.  You call her up in the middle of the day, you bring her a little present for no reason.  And because you're putting so much in, you get a great deal out.  But all too many people stop doing these things once they're married -- yet they expect to still get the same amount of joy out of the relationship.  And it sneaks up on them -- not because the hints weren't there, but because they were focusing their attention elsewhere. 

+1  And I *am* close to 40.  Sure, sometimes life turns pear-shaped, but sometimes it is pretty damned sweet.  Married life, being on the same team, communicating clearly and honestly about finances and both partners having the same goals is... awesome.*

I'm over 40, and I'll say the same thing -- though I'm not pear-shaped.  We have a pretty sweet life, and neither of us could've done it individually.

[RetiredAt63]

Here's an analogy:  You buy a new house, and it's great!  You love the house, you put effort into painting the living room, arranging the furniture nicely, making new curtains.  You gain a great deal of pleasure from your house . . . but as time goes on, the newness wears off, and you begin to ignore your house.  You should fix that leaky faucet in the half-bath, but it's easier just to use the other bathroom and pretend there's no problem.  You know your roof is wearing out, and you'll need to replace it soon, but you push it to the back of  your mind.  Your home no longer brings you all that much joy.  In fact, sometimes you wonder why you even bother with it.  You're taking it for granted, and you're forgetting that back when you garnered so much joy from the house, you used to put more effort into it. 

A relationship is the same.  When you're dating, you present yourself at your best:  You dress nicely, you put effort into where you're going to go, what you're going to do.  You call her up in the middle of the day, you bring her a little present for no reason.  And because you're putting so much in, you get a great deal out.  But all too many people stop doing these things once they're married -- yet they expect to still get the same amount of joy out of the relationship.  And it sneaks up on them -- not because the hints weren't there, but because they were focusing their attention elsewhere. 

Yes!  And when the roofer says that if you don't get the roof repaired you will have serious water damage, and you do nothing, don't be surprised when you have serious water damage.  And for the relationship, when one says "things have to change or I am gone", pay attention.  In a more gentle way that was what I said to my almost-ex, he didn't, and I was gone.

My late aunt told me, when she was in frail health, that what kept her going was remembering all her good memories.  I realized that my marriage wasn't not producing good memories, but bad ones.  So part of the general "what I wish I knew at 40" is do the things that will give you the good memories, and they don't have to be big expensive  things.

She also told me the reason she never re-married after my uncle died, was that she never found another man who made her laugh like he did.  So having fun, seeing the humour in things, is also important. 

[golfer44]

People don't have to get married to live together, have kids, be happy, or be in love.

Sure there's domestic partnership after a while, but marriage is largely a financial deal. If you need a legal document to prove your love to each other... that's on you.

[Simple Abundant Living]

Be very afraid.

This. There are so many horror stories I will not get married unless my spouse is also earning a decent income or a pre-nup. Divorce and child support payments are a farce. How much money I need to spend on my kid is up to me, not some arbitrary % of income that goes to the mother for her to spend as she pleases.

I see friends in their early 20s getting married and all I can think is you have no idea what you're getting yourself into.

This June is 22 years of marriage for me and DH.  I have to agree with the above statement, that NO ONE has any idea of what they are getting into (with love, friendships, marriage, health, life).  And I would apply that to people who get married at any age.  You are a fool if you think you hold all the strings of your life.  BAM!  You've got cancer.  BAM!  Your kid is sick.  BAM!  You're being downsized, or the stock market crashes, or a natural disaster strikes.  Personally, I'd rather go through life with my best friend, knowing that we're committed to facing everything together. 

[Emilyngh]

This June is 22 years of marriage for me and DH.  I have to agree with the above statement, that NO ONE has any idea of what they are getting into (with love, friendships, marriage, health, life).  And I would apply that to people who get married at any age.  You are a fool if you think you hold all the strings of your life.  BAM!  You've got cancer.  BAM!  Your kid is sick.  BAM!  You're being downsized, or the stock market crashes, or a natural disaster strikes.  Personally, I'd rather go through life with my best friend, knowing that we're committed to facing everything together.

This.

Even if one marries a spouse that earns equally, what if they get sick and/or you have kids that have medical issues and they have to cut back at work?   Orrr, what if you are too scared to ever marry although you've found a great partner (who then leaves you due to a lack of commitment) and you then get sick and wind up with serious financial issues.   Perhaps if you'd gotten married they could have cared for you and supported you financially through your sickness.   Marriage brings flexibility, and since nothing's guaranteed, I'd say that flexibility is better than no flexibility.

I also note what seems to be a sexist tone in some of the anti-marriage posts; assumptions about men being higher earners, women SAH and women getting primary custody in a divorce (so men paying CS).   Marriage certainly does not imply any of the above.

For example, I am married and have a SAH spouse.   Him staying at home is one of the best decisions we have ever made.    It brings us a great flexibility and quality of life.   

He also was previously married and has been paying hefty child support as long as we've been together.   I thus not only the sole earner for supporting him, myself and our daughter, but I also pay his child support, have funded college accounts for kids from his previous marriage, carry their insurance, etc.  And you know what?   I still can save enough to be on the road to FIRE.   

Isn't that the point of MMM?   To use money for what we truly value and true happiness vs just mindlessly accumulating it?   I'd choose my sitch (the sole earner and paying child support and supporting kids that aren't mine) with my partner and life 1000 times over being without it but having more money.

[randymarsh]

I also note what seems to be a sexist tone in some of the anti-marriage posts; assumptions about men being higher earners, women SAH and women getting primary custody in a divorce (so men paying CS).   Marriage certainly does not imply any of the above.

I just used that example because that is typically how it goes.

[homehandymum]

People don't have to get married to live together, have kids, be happy, or be in love.

Sure there's domestic partnership after a while, but marriage is largely a financial deal. If you need a legal document to prove your love to each other... that's on you.

In New Zealand, if you live with your partner in a de facto relationship for more than 3 years then the relationship is, under law, treated the same as a marriage.  On separating, each spouse is entitled to 50% of the 'relationship property' - all property/assets acquired by either spouse during the time of the relationship, or used by the couple during their relationship (houses, cars etc).  (You can pre-nup your way out of this arrangement)

The bit of paper makes no difference to your relationship status under law - marriage, civil union and de facto are all legally exactly equivalent.

[Beridian]

Wow Beridan that is a very angry post #4 of yours.  I hope your atty also pointed out that you can go back to court to get it modified if circumstances change (like one of you gets/loses a job).  Also, state laws on alimony do vary so not all places will follow the same as what you suggest.  Finally, took me two uears to find full time work when unemployed - she may not have been putting you on.

In fairness, I do recognize that sometimes alimony serves a just and reasonable purpose, as in the case where one spouse has sacrificed their income earning years for the sake of raising a family while the other spouse built a great career, or when one spouse waits tables for ten years to put the other through medical school.  The important thing I want to pass along is that when one spouse has all of the earning power (job + education + skills), or the balance is tilted strongly toward one spouse,  you are in danger of paying spousal support if there were a divorce.  Also recognize that child support is a completely separate matter.

My attorney recommended that I petition for non-modifiable spousal support, this means it cannot be modified for any reason.  The reason for this is to protect me.  If my ex-spouse were to become disabled and couldn't work I might be supporting her for the rest of my life.   Most attorneys therefor recommend non-modifiable spousal support.

For those of you with great marriages I am happy for you.  I would however advise that if you have a situation where the earning power tilts strongly toward one spouse, you may want to try to even things out, perhaps by having the weaker spouse go back to school or something similar.  I would also advise learning what your local laws regarding spousal support are, as has been pointed out these laws vary considerabily.

[dragoncar]

I'm not usually the off-topic police, but this is a thread for things you wish you knew when you were 40.  Beridan, who is 54, gave us some advice for people who are 40.  Two other posters, who are not yet 40, are also giving us marital advice -- particularly to get married in our 20s.  Uh, sorry I cannot go back in time and get married in my 20s.  Please come back to this thread when your are in your 50s and let us know if you still believe the advice you are giving now.  There's also another thread where you can advise the 20-year-olds.

[homehandymum]

I'm not usually the off-topic police, but this is a thread for things you wish you knew when you were 40.  Beridan, who is 54, gave us some advice for people who are 40.  Two other posters, who are not yet 40, are also giving us marital advice -- particularly to get married in our 20s.  Uh, sorry I cannot go back in time and get married in my 20s.  Please come back to this thread when your are in your 50s and let us know if you still believe the advice you are giving now.  There's also another thread where you can advise the 20-year-olds.

My bad.  Sorry!

[Simple Abundant Living]

I'm not usually the off-topic police, but this is a thread for things you wish you knew when you were 40.  Beridan, who is 54, gave us some advice for people who are 40.  Two other posters, who are not yet 40, are also giving us marital advice -- particularly to get married in our 20s.  Uh, sorry I cannot go back in time and get married in my 20s.  Please come back to this thread when your are in your 50s and let us know if you still believe the advice you are giving now.  There's also another thread where you can advise the 20-year-olds.

I'm not sure if I'm one of the ones accused of being not forty, but since I posted that I've been married for 22 years, I can assure you I am more than 40. I agree that the topic derailed into a marital discussion, however I simply pointed out that the anti-marriage/anti-SAHM sour grapes argument was flawed. And if we are giving advice for 40 year olds- not to marry or have kids or have one parent SAH is probably too late advice for most who are in their forties.  Those choices were probably made in the 20's and 30's.

Now please, if someone has real advice for those of us in our forties, please post!

[2527]

Whatever it is, it works if you work it.

[Beridian]

Now please, if someone has real advice for those of us in our forties, please post!

OK, at the risk of stating the obvious, I wish I had maxed out my 401K at 40 (or earlier).   I always put in the 6% that the company matches, and sometimes a bit more.   But if I knew then what I knew now I would have put in the max every year and not spent the money on all the stupid things that I cant even remember now.   Truth be told if I would have just maxed it out then I would have adapted to the lower take home pay and I would likely be retired by now.   

[TreeTired]

Let's see....  I was 40...   20 years ago.   The only thing that comes to mind is I wish I knew that stocks would continue to be a great investment.   Although I did very well on the house we bought around that time (and sold in 2008)  I was late to invest in stocks and have always maintained high cash balances.

[Jamesqf]

I actually did figure this one out somewhat before 40, but it has served me well ever since: You don't have to act your age.  And the corollary, which is not to listen to people who tell you that you can't/shouldn't do particular things because "you're getting older", "you ought to slow down", etc.  Or that every little ache & pain is a sign of incipient senility, when - if you don't look at your youth through the proverbial rose-colored glasses - you'd remember there were times when you felt just as bad at 20.

[pachnik]

Now please, if someone has real advice for those of us in our forties, please post!

OK, at the risk of stating the obvious, I wish I had maxed out my 401K at 40 (or earlier).   I always put in the 6% that the company matches, and sometimes a bit more.   But if I knew then what I knew now I would have put in the max every year and not spent the money on all the stupid things that I cant even remember now.   Truth be told if I would have just maxed it out then I would have adapted to the lower take home pay and I would likely be retired by now.   

+1    I'm not sure I'd be retired by now but if I had been maxing out my RRSP at 40 I would certainly be better off.   

[prosaic]

I'm 43.

Budget for eyeglasses/contacts.

Just when you think your eyes won't go...yep. They do.

[dragoncar]

I'm 43.

Budget for eyeglasses/contacts.

Just when you think your eyes won't go...yep. They do.

Interesting... I'm sure I can find the cash for lasik (it gets cheaper and better over time... by the time I need it I'm guessing it'll be a pittance)

[steveo]

To be fair I am nowhere near 40 but one thing I will never regret is getting married at 23.

I'm 40 and I was married at 28 although we had 1 kid by then. Probably the best decision I've ever made. I think I'm pretty lucky to know what I know now.

Some points I'd make though are:-

1. Staying healthy is great. Eating well and exercising should just be a part of your life. You also shouldn't take it overboard.
2. Having some free interests is great. I love reading and playing chess.
3. Becoming financially independent is a realistic goal. I've only just realised that this one is possible.

[quilter]

I am 60 this year so my kids are married with their own families, so I guess I would advise to accept that you need to do the best you can with your kids but realize as they approach adulthood they will be making decisions that may not necessarily be the ones you would make. Accepting them for who they are is a tremendous gift for all of you

Also, you will notice more and more that your peers will divide into two camps. The group that saves for the future,  makes some sacrifices and are happy with what they have, and others who don't. Of course, those that are posting  and reading here are attempting to be in the first camp, but in the world it might seem that you are one of the only ones preparing for the future as the big houses, shiny new cars and lavish spending will be prevalent. Decide how you want to live and stick to it regardless of peer pressure.

[oldtoyota]

Wow Beridan that is a very angry post #4 of yours.  I hope your atty also pointed out that you can go back to court to get it modified if circumstances change (like one of you gets/loses a job).  Also, state laws on alimony do vary so not all places will follow the same as what you suggest.  Finally, took me two uears to find full time work when unemployed - she may not have been putting you on.

I don't know. I think his post sounds unreasonable until it happens to you or someone you know well. My friend will be paying for her ex-husband until their child turns 18 because he didn't get a job. He was earning $100K at one point and then left that job and never got a another. He sponged off her, cheated on her, and then eventually managed to get alimony from her.

The court puts the kid first and the adults are way down on the list. Sadly, some adults will take advantage of this.

[Daleth]

Here's an analogy:  You buy a new house, and it's great!  You love the house, you put effort into painting the living room, arranging the furniture nicely, making new curtains.  You gain a great deal of pleasure from your house . . . but as time goes on, the newness wears off, and you begin to ignore your house.  You should fix that leaky faucet in the half-bath, but it's easier just to use the other bathroom and pretend there's no problem.  You know your roof is wearing out, and you'll need to replace it soon, but you push it to the back of  your mind.  Your home no longer brings you all that much joy.  In fact, sometimes you wonder why you even bother with it.  You're taking it for granted, and you're forgetting that back when you garnered so much joy from the house, you used to put more effort into it. 

A relationship is the same.  When you're dating, you present yourself at your best:  You dress nicely, you put effort into where you're going to go, what you're going to do.  You call her up in the middle of the day, you bring her a little present for no reason.  And because you're putting so much in, you get a great deal out.  But all too many people stop doing these things once they're married -- yet they expect to still get the same amount of joy out of the relationship.  And it sneaks up on them -- not because the hints weren't there, but because they were focusing their attention elsewhere. 

That's a brilliant analogy.

[TheRedHead]

I'm turning 45 this year and there are a couple of things that come to mind. First is to stay active. Oh how easy it was when I was younger to keep weight off, eat what I wanted and never worry about my physical state. Now I have discovered that the older I get, the harder it is to do what I used to take for granted (move furniture, garden, cook all day).

Second is to appreciate where you are and what you look like NOW. In 5 years your hair will be whiter, you'll have more wrinkles, you'll be saggy in places you didn't know you can sag, appreciate that you are beautiful/handsome as you are right this moment.

Third is that it's much easier to be a parent when you're younger. I don't regret a single moment, but I would have had a lot more energy if we had had him in my late 20s as planned!

[bugbaby]

You buy a new house, and it's great!  You love the house, you put effort into painting the living room, arranging the furniture nicely, making new curtains.  You gain a great deal of pleasure from your house . . . but as time goes on, the newness wears off, and you begin to ignore your house. ........... But all too many people stop doing these things once they're married -- yet they expect to still get the same amount of joy out of the relationship.  And it sneaks up on them -- not because the hints weren't there, but because they were focusing their attention elsewhere. 

That's a nice analogy, even cute, but unfortunately rather naive. Human behavior just doesn't fit into such neat formulas. I can't tell you how many examples of attentive, loving & dedicated spouses getting blindsided by the fickleness of humans. You can control your behavior and you should, but you just cannot control another person's. We are not lab rats.

My friend's hubby apparently suddenly realized he's gay when she was pregnant with 2nd child. My other friend literally gave everything, bent over backward to wife's whims, moving to new cities & holding up his own career, did everything. Many people for years just didn't see why he stayed but he genuinely loved her and tried to make it work. Well, she cheated left and right, verbally abused him and divorced him for his colleague's husband -took it all - millions. He's in his 60s, can't find fulltime work, rebuilding with whatever contracts he can get.

[steveo]

Human behavior just doesn't fit into such neat formulas. I can't tell you how many examples of attentive, loving & dedicated spouses getting blindsided by the fickleness of humans. You can control your behavior and you should, but you just cannot control another person's.

This is the way I view relationships and marriage. You have to get lucky.

[phred]

Make time for the wife instead of always wife-and-kids,  teach your kids how to do things (cook from scratch, garden, make things out of wood...).  Never buy your kids anything that takes constant updates; if they want to play Xbox games let them go to their friends who buy/waste money on new games every month.  Be aware your good job may not last until age 65 or even 55: mergers, downsizing, privatization

[JennieOG]

Well, on the flip side of the divorce coin, I was a SAHM and my ex made a very good living, but he decided to stop working and become an unemployed drunk, so he doesn't currently pay me anything, even though he was only court ordered to pay $390 a month in child support on two kids.  Even if I could get that it would help our situation tremendously.  So, not every woman is in a position to take men to the cleaners...divorce can work out badly for either party! 

[Beridian]

Well, on the flip side of the divorce coin, I was a SAHM and my ex made a very good living, but he decided to stop working and become an unemployed drunk, so he doesn't currently pay me anything, even though he was only court ordered to pay $390 a month in child support on two kids.  Even if I could get that it would help our situation tremendously.  So, not every woman is in a position to take men to the cleaners...divorce can work out badly for either party!

That is my great frustration with the legal system.  In divorce cases, the ultimate judgement has very little to do with who instigated the problem or who was at fault.  Rather (and I heard this over and over again during my divorce), judgments are determined 95% by who has the ability to pay.   Right or wrong has nothing to do with it.  Hence my admonition in this thread to 40 years-olds (and younger), if the earning power in your marriage is skewed sharply toward one spouse; BEWARE, there be dragons ahead.

[Undecided]

That is my great frustration with the legal system.  In divorce cases, the ultimate judgement has very little to do with who instigated the problem or who was at fault.  Rather (and I heard this over and over again during my divorce), judgments are determined 95% by who has the ability to pay.   Right or wrong has nothing to do with it.  Hence my admonition in this thread to 40 years-olds (and younger), if the earning power in your marriage is skewed sharply toward one spouse; BEWARE, there be dragons ahead.

You're responding to a post about child support. Child support has, and should have, "nothing to do with it."

[MinimalistMoustache]

One thing I wish I realized at 43 was how important it was to allow the money I'd stashed in an IRA account to remain in an IRA account. At the time, I first withdrew $25,000. Months later, I withdrew another  $13,000. In hindsight, that was very foolish. The problems arising at that time could have been remedied in a more financially solvent manner. Now, 14 years later, I have finally accepted that I deserve the money I earn and am not required to give it all away.

[MrsPete]

I'm not usually the off-topic police, but this is a thread for things you wish you knew when you were 40. 

Yeah, I'm off-topic . . . but I think it's because I'm not far enough past 40 to answer effectively.  I can, however, tell you what it's like to be 40: 

- You need to have your finances firmly in hand by 40.  Why?  Because most of us are going to have teenagers in our 40s, and if you don't have your finances in good shape by that point, you're going to have a hard time "playing catch up".  This board is mainly about early retirement; if you aren't "on your way" by 40, early retirement just isn't likely to happen. 

- 40 is nice in that the "hard physical work" of raising your kids is behind you.  Your kids are now capable of making their own bed, preparing a meal, etc.  At the least, you can leave them alone while you go to the store, and they may be babysitting other kids by now. 

- If you've done a good job of pushing personal responsibility, your kids are probably a joy.  If you haven't, they're probably horrible. 

- At 40 you can "see" the end of the tunnel with kids, and you're probably thinking of a few things you want to do while your kids are still at home -- I know we wanted to do a couple expensive vacations while we were still "all together".  You may have other goals. 

- At 40 you can expect to have a fairly good idea of how far you'll rise in your current job, and you're probably going to be in a position to chart out the remainder of your career. 

- At 40, if you've been depositing money regularly into your various accounts and investments since you started working in your 20s, you're looking at some nice numbers.  You're likely to be a bit nervous about when it's okay to stop saving and how to transition into using that money you've so carefully squirreled away.

You buy a new house, and it's great!  You love the house, you put effort into painting the living room, arranging the furniture nicely, making new curtains.  You gain a great deal of pleasure from your house . . . but as time goes on, the newness wears off, and you begin to ignore your house. ........... But all too many people stop doing these things once they're married -- yet they expect to still get the same amount of joy out of the relationship.  And it sneaks up on them -- not because the hints weren't there, but because they were focusing their attention elsewhere. 

That's a nice analogy, even cute, but unfortunately rather naive. Human behavior just doesn't fit into such neat formulas. I can't tell you how many examples of attentive, loving & dedicated spouses getting blindsided by the fickleness of humans. You can control your behavior and you should, but you just cannot control another person's. We are not lab rats.

My friend's hubby apparently suddenly realized he's gay when she was pregnant with 2nd child. My other friend literally gave everything, bent over backward to wife's whims, moving to new cities & holding up his own career, did everything. Many people for years just didn't see why he stayed but he genuinely loved her and tried to make it work. Well, she cheated left and right, verbally abused him and divorced him for his colleague's husband -took it all - millions. He's in his 60s, can't find fulltime work, rebuilding with whatever contracts he can get.

Eh, I agree you can identify outlying examples here and there, but by and large, it's true.  If you work at your marriage, it'll be successful.

Also, people whose marriages fail have often ignored the obvious.  I also have a dear, dear friend who married a gay man.  ALL THE REST OF US KNEW HE WAS GAY.  We told her what we thought, and she dismissed it -- "No, no, not him.  I love him so much."  Yeah, she did love him. In fact, she was infatuated with him.  But he was interested in pretending he wasn't gay, and what's better proof than a wife?  In his defense, he was a nice guy, and I think he genuinely believed that he could do it -- that he could pretend to be something he wasn't.  That he could be a husband to her, that he could raise children with her.  But he couldn't, and the marriage fell apart.  She was told -- not by one person, but by many people, people who loved her and wished her well -- that he wasn't what she thought he was.  The handwriting was on the wall, and because she adored him so much, she chose to ignore it. 

[hybrid]

Regarding the marital discussion above, I've witnessed some long term marriages go south in the past few years and Beridian makes some fair points.  If you think your marriage will last forever, well, maybe it will and maybe it won't.  I'm on the fortunate side of that equation, but I've seen the unfortunate side enough times to know that people and situations change. So having said that....

1)  Your body heals a lot slower at 47 than 39.  There's a reason pro athletes retire in their 30s.
2)  Regarding number 1, you better get in shape now if you aren't because it doesn't get easier when you get older.
3)  Take really good care of your teeth, they have to last a really long time. My 73 year old mother just got dentures and it's a miserable experience. I'm still in good shape there.
4)  Retirement doesn't have to be at the "normal" age. I always assumed it would be otherwise.
 

[TrulyStashin]

I'm 45, and perhaps this rather bleak post simply reflects my mindset after a particularly difficult couple of months but here goes.....

It can all vanish in the blink of an eye.  Everything you've worked for.  Everyone you love.  From one moment to the next, your life can change irrevocably.  All of it is far more fragile than I ever realized.

When I was younger, I never knew this and simply believed that if I worked hard and did my best, it would all work out.

Damn, that's depressing and I'm sorry to post it.  But there it is.

If, right this minute and overall, things are good in your life, be grateful down into your bones.

[LynnM]

1.  Exercise is more important than ever. 
2.  Your teenagers will not be teenagers forever, and odds are good that they will actually respect you again one day, so don't cave on the important stuff.
3.  Getting older isn't nearly as scary as it seems. 
4.  Buy Google (I turned 40 10 years ago when it started trading). 

[MrFancypants]

I'm 45, and perhaps this rather bleak post simply reflects my mindset after a particularly difficult couple of months but here goes.....

It can all vanish in the blink of an eye.  Everything you've worked for.  Everyone you love.  From one moment to the next, your life can change irrevocably.  All of it is far more fragile than I ever realized.

When I was younger, I never knew this and simply believed that if I worked hard and did my best, it would all work out.

Damn, that's depressing and I'm sorry to post it.  But there it is.

If, right this minute and overall, things are good in your life, be grateful down into your bones.

I think that most people, at every age, need to be reminded of this frequently.  I guess it just so happens that this point only becomes more clear to you the older you get.

[MrsPete]

1)  Your body heals a lot slower at 47 than 39.  There's a reason pro athletes retire in their 30s.
2)  Regarding number 1, you better get in shape now if you aren't because it doesn't get easier when you get older.
3)  Take really good care of your teeth, they have to last a really long time. My 73 year old mother just got dentures and it's a miserable experience. I'm still in good shape there.

Yeah, after 40 your body can surprise you!  I don't have any big problems, but I have some little hints that I'm growing older:  Eyesight, which someone else mentioned already.  In addition to the previously mentioned lasik surgery, cataracts are a fact of life for just about everyone.  My eye doctor says I will need that surgery, though not for years; my mother, who had it perhaps 10 years ago, says DO IT, DO IT, DO IT.  She says hers had "come on so slowly" that she hadn't realized how much sight she had lost (especially colors, according to her). 

My knees and feet aren't quite what they used to be.  Don't get me wrong -- I'm still in great shape, but things aren't quite as easy as they used to be, and I can that in future years some things may take more effort than they do now.  Right now I'm still perfectly good for hikes, etc., but since I stand up all day at work, I do choose my shoes more carefully than I did when I was younger. 

As for teeth, I totally agree -- take care of them!  But I had a conversation with my dentist about dentures (because he was helping my grandmother with dentures).  He commented to me that someone my age should expect never to have dentures.  He says that implants have become so much better in recent years, and he would recommend that when /if a tooth goes bad, the individual replace just that one tooth with an implant.  They're more expensive, but ultimately they function more like real teeth, so I'd put them in the category of "expensive but worth it". 

I think the real issue is, No matter who you are or how healthy you are, SAVE.  You're going to want /need certain small procedures (like cataract surgery) that will make your life more pleasant as you age.  I'd hate to say, "I can't afford to have a tooth implant." 

[pbkmaine]

Pause in each day to experience and take joy in it rather than rush through it. There will always be a list of things to do. Take a break from the list and walk in the woods, build a snowman, smell the lilacs, walk on the beach, look up and see the stars. Stand still and feel the earth beneath your feet. Be present for those you love. The money is the means, but those things are the meaning.