The tradgey of inheritance

[caliq]

Anyone who would be hurt by their parents' decision about who to give their money to is silly.  Why on earth do you think you have any right to any expectations with respect to how your parents will distribute their resources?

In my case it's because the trend has been for not only financial but also emotional and time resources to be prioritized away from me and towards my sister. 

Sorry, but I don't think that it's silly for a child to expect their parents to at least maintain a semi-believable illusion of loving all their children equally.

And why shouldn't your sister receive more of her parent's attention?  I don't know if you are a parent but children can be very different in their needs for very complex reasons that may or may not be their fault often involving their biology. One of my daughters is ADHD and through no fault f her own she struggles with school and many other tasks. This struggle if it persists will make her life very difficult to manage. It's very difficult for a parent to watch a child struggle and not do everything in their power to help even though it may seem unfair to the other siblings.

I'm not a parent yet, and my original post qualified that.  As I've gotten older, I've been able to see that my little sister really did need more help.  I was genuinely convinced my parents were going to divorce because of her behavior, and trying to distance myself from the craziness at home led to me failing out of my first semester of freshman year of college and losing a full ride honors program scholarship (part of that was that I didn't have any idea what I wanted to study, but I also didn't feel I had anyone to turn to for support).  I was still a minor, but I had always been the responsible, safe one -- my parents never expected me to struggle in college and I didn't feel I had the right to take up any of their emotional time or energy when my sister was struggling so much more visibly.  I failed out, moved in with a loser 25 year old guy, and ended up in a horrible, borderline abusive relationship that took me the next 2 years or so to extricate myself from.

One sibling's struggles often bleed over and cause issues with the other siblings.  My parents failed to notice me floundering because they were so focused on my sister.  It's honestly still really painful, and I'm actually tearing up as I write this (this was only 5 or 6 years ago for me, so relatively fresh). 

Please don't allow one of your child's struggles to eclipse the other's.  Just because they are different, or you suspect one might be due to biology, doesn't mean that they don't both deserve equal attention.  The lack of equality in my family almost destroyed it, and I really hope that anyone reading this that thinks I'm being callous towards my sister's needs takes a second to think about how the distribution of attention in their family might be affecting the 'successful' child. 

Also, I said that parents should display equal love for all their children; in my book, in regards to the situation described above, this means being equally available in times of hardship.  I didn't need my mom to be available for whatever I wanted or needed 24/7.  I didn't want or expect that level of daily attention from her.  I did need her to maybe prioritize me on just one of the nights that I called looking for direction and support.  I didn't get that, and it had a huge impact on me.  I very nearly became their second 'unsuccessful' child. 

On the subject of the inheritance:  As I said before, I would be comfortable with my parents giving all/the majority of any inheritance to my sister, if it was previously discussed and agreed upon, and if as they approach the end, she clearly still needs significant support, and they structured it in such a way that it would be there for her actual long term needs.  Maybe that's presumptuous of me, and I would never say "No, you can't do what you want with your money," but I'm talking about my feelings here, and a situation in which my parents gave my sister everything out of the blue without any previous discussion, especially if she manages to get on her feet in the intervening time (she's only about to turn 20, my parents aren't even 60, so hopefully this is a long ways out), would be very hurtful to me.  I'm absolutely sure that my parents would rather my sister have me in her life, especially if she still needed significant support, than introduce strife that might severely damage our relationship. 

Edited to remove super personal stuff that I was stupid to post in the first place.

[NICE!]

This seems like a good time to ask a question.

We are virtually certain that my mother-in-law is going to leave the lion's share of her assets to DW, in addition to making her executor (because DW is the most responsible and MIL thinks very highly of me). This is not completely unjustified. One daughter abuses prescription drugs and games the student loan system - and unfortunately her children are displaying similar characteristics. Another is an alcoholic who ostensibly did her best for her kids, but her poor marital choice/choice of father produced kids that aren't doing at that well either. Neither have a relationship with their mother. The last is a son and he is a good person who has PTSD from his time in Afghanistan. MIL isn't too happy with his life decisions since then, but she understands some of his underlying issues and I don't think he will be left out.

DW and I have discussed how we will deal with this problem. We've both generally agreed that regardless of what MIL does (assuming she doesn't donate everything, which would be a fantastic solution to the problem), DW needs to split the money 4 ways. What does everyone think about this? Should we just do this and call it a day? Should we do what some others have recommended and give it to the irresponsible members slowly over time? Or should we just do what MIL wants?

[MoneyCat]

I will never receive an inheritance from anybody due to my life circumstances, but my wife stands to gain a significant inheritance in her lifetime.  She'd much, much rather have more time with relatives than money.  Knowing her family, I completely understand why she would feel that way too.  They really are wonderful people.  Luckily, my wife and I live very minimalist, anti-consumerist lifestyles, so not much would change with the windfall of an inheritance.  The money wouldn't really impact our lives in any meaningful way.

[partgypsy]

Nice, I don't know how to specifically answer your question, but maybe the MIL helped the others kids more while she was alive, and so giving the majority to your DW is her solution to it. If you do inherit it, you should do what you see fit, whether that is keeping it or spliting it with siblings. I wouldn't be surprised if the others were cut out it would affect relationships, but don't know how close your wife is to the other siblings.

I agree with others, that just because one kid seems to have it together, no reason to give that child less attention, love and resources. My older brother did and still does get the lion's share. He did have learning difficulties but really the way that they dealt with problem (protecting him from any of his mistakes), basically ruined him, and the only thing he is good at is manipulating my parents into supporting him. My sister ended up needing help (not financial, but psychological, school, but the parents were clued in and dealing with it) but they were so wrapped up with the other kid all the other kids were neglected, and my sister never really recovered.  Myself, I moved away in another state, probably the most self-sufficient, because not only are the parents wrapped up in "saving" the one child, often ask the other kids to make sacrifices in their own lives towards that end and I'm not going to go down that route.

[Gradywhiteadventure]

This truly is a great thread, and the various  opinions are life decisions  many of us may face.

I have the responsibility of watching over my 87 year old mother's relatively  small inheritance from her sister who passed  last year.....

It is set aside for emergency expenditure or possible  assisted living, which mom wants no part of and insists on livining independently in her home that she and dad raised us.  I'm continually conflicted over wanting to allow her wishes to carry forward,  but her finances are compromised by a thieving grandson from another sibling that just can't be corrected.  Prison terms, various run ins with authorities, and talks with police and lawyers tell me there's nothing I can legally do provided mom is "of sound mind", which , although sometimes a just bit forgetful, she is.....

 I'm continually  plowing that set-aside fund into repairs that junior is responsible for - emergency money to get through the month, or other financial obligations that crop up.  The unemployed 30 year old grandson continues to pawn her valuables,  compromise her finances by stealing cash, and takes liberties with her credit cards.  She refuses to prosecute, insisting she allowed him use of these assets to "help" her...

Heroin addiction  is a terrible affliction, and I fear most of mom's inheritance will be gone shortly, unless a truly lengthy  prison term (or overdose) kicks in.  Both are unlikely, so our personal  nightmare just continues.  Mom still thinks she can "save" him, and will do whatever she can to ensure he lives with her....

[Worsted Skeins]

I don't have any expectations of an inheritance and I hope it will be a very long time before I find out if I'm wrong or not.
Awhile ago my mom said something about a small life insurance policy and told me she made me executor of her will, but I have no idea what's on it. At the time, that conversation made me uncomfortable and I said ok and changed the subject.

I find the different stories and opinions in this thread fascinating. Particularly those who already know that they were cut from the will because they are already successful and don't need the money. I find it sad, but also surprising that you already know about it. Is this a normal conversation topic with your parents? Do they use discussions about inheritance specifically to cause drama and tension between siblings?

May I gently suggest that you try to work through your discomfort of discussing money and death with your mom?  These issues are difficult for all parties but if the lines of communication are open and clear it will be easier in the long run.

Also...regarding these items as a "normal" conversation topic:  After my father in law died, my mother in law turned to me to discuss finances.  My husband and I were geographically closer than his other sibs and I am the one of this couple that is more interested in money and investment.  My mother in law had not had to deal with finances previously.   Her husband had taken on the job--and frankly my mother in law proved to be a lot smarter on this issue than he was.

One of my husband's sibs had been helped with a real estate purchase about a decade before my mother in law died.  That sib was then written off the trust of the family vacation cabin--a decision made by my mother in law. Sib claimed to understand the ramifications, but after my mother in law died every effort was made by sib for reconsideration.  Many emotions (good and bad) surface after a parent dies.  It really is better to be clear on a parent's wishes beforehand--even if you think the conversation is morbid or unpleasant.

[Villanelle]

This seems like a good time to ask a question.

We are virtually certain that my mother-in-law is going to leave the lion's share of her assets to DW, in addition to making her executor (because DW is the most responsible and MIL thinks very highly of me). This is not completely unjustified. One daughter abuses prescription drugs and games the student loan system - and unfortunately her children are displaying similar characteristics. Another is an alcoholic who ostensibly did her best for her kids, but her poor marital choice/choice of father produced kids that aren't doing at that well either. Neither have a relationship with their mother. The last is a son and he is a good person who has PTSD from his time in Afghanistan. MIL isn't too happy with his life decisions since then, but she understands some of his underlying issues and I don't think he will be left out.

DW and I have discussed how we will deal with this problem. We've both generally agreed that regardless of what MIL does (assuming she doesn't donate everything, which would be a fantastic solution to the problem), DW needs to split the money 4 ways. What does everyone think about this? Should we just do this and call it a day? Should we do what some others have recommended and give it to the irresponsible members slowly over time? Or should we just do what MIL wants?

To me, this is when it makes sense to have a talk with mom about her plans and wishes.   If your DW discusses it with her, there will be no surprises when the will comes, and she will have a clear idea of why mom made the decisions she did.  If mom is adamant about Child2 (or whatever), not getting a penny, then I would want to respect that wish.  If she's not leaving money directly to someone simply because she fears it will be squandered, then the DW can ask if mom would like her to set aside some of the money in a trust, or to dole out a small amount bi-annually, or some other situation.

These conversations can be uncomfortable, but they will make it much easier to make decisions when the time comes.  I'm happy that my parents have told my siblings and I their plans, and a few details about their wishes for the money.  (In their case, the only really wish they have is that if possible, they'd like the inheritance to remain separate from community property so that if my sister or I ever end up divorced, we would continue to benefit from the inheritance, rather than losing half to our ExDh. Beyond that, they don't really have specific instructions for the money because they trust us and know that we are both reasonable and responsible human beings, and neither of us is going to waste it on hookers and blow. 

I may well be FIREd by the time it comes (I hope so!) but if not, that money would likely lead to almost immediate FIRE, unless we wanted to keep working.  We might pay off any mortgage we have and buy an income property or 3, and I'd like to think sister and I would take a vacation together to the spot mom and dad loved so much and took us many times, as a celebration of their lives, perhaps with other friends and family invited.   That's it.  The rest would be invested.

I don't need it.  I would skip it if I could buy even one more day for my wonderful parents.  But when it comes, I'll spend it in line with my values, which line up pretty well with my parents' values.

[Tabaxus]

Anyone who would be hurt by their parents' decision about who to give their money to is silly.  Why on earth do you think you have any right to any expectations with respect to how your parents will distribute their resources?

First of all, nobody in any of the posts that I have read have claimed any rights. They (myself included) have posted about their feelings and values.

Secondly, why are they silly? I can understand and respect it if you have a different opinion or different values but I don't see why you would label those with a different opinion as "silly".

So just to clarify. If your parents passed away and left their estate (whatever it's value) divided up so brother 1 gets 1/4, brother2 gets 1/4, sister1 gets 1/4, sister 2 gets a 1/4 and Tabaxus their only other surviving child gets absolutely nothing, you wouldn't be the least bit hurt or resentful?

No, I do not believe I would, especially if the reasons were obvious (siblings were financial trainwrecks, or had kids where I don't, or, or, or).  Although I don't have parents left to receive an inheritance from, I do have a grandparent on one side.  When I graduated from law school, they took me aside an explained that I had been removed from the will (other than with respect to certain personal items) because my uncles/aunts really needed it more, even though when my parent was alive, my parent actually had a bigger slice because my parent needed it more than my aunts/uncles. Previously, I had my parent's "spot" in the will, partially because the entire family thought I was on a road to ruin (and I was, for many years).  The change made 100% sense to me, and I was 100% supportive.  This under circumstances where I will likely be the one taking care of the grandparent as they continue to get older.

Not quite the same as siblings--I'll acknowledge that--but pretty close.   

ETA:  I don't get how people draw a line from "not splitting the inheritance equally" to "feeling like parents loved sibling X more than me."  Acknowledging the varied needs of your different children seems to me to be perfectly rational.

[College Stash]

I'm a 19 year old only child. After seeing all of the past extended family inheritance arguments, it's nice to be extremely close to my family and not have any controversies to worry about. I'm already prepared to help my family manage withdrawals, and I've already helped them reallocate their portfolio from expensive to low cost funds. While I know I'll likely receive a lot at some point, I'm living my life as though it doesn't exist.

[Cookie78]

I don't have any expectations of an inheritance and I hope it will be a very long time before I find out if I'm wrong or not.
Awhile ago my mom said something about a small life insurance policy and told me she made me executor of her will, but I have no idea what's on it. At the time, that conversation made me uncomfortable and I said ok and changed the subject.

I find the different stories and opinions in this thread fascinating. Particularly those who already know that they were cut from the will because they are already successful and don't need the money. I find it sad, but also surprising that you already know about it. Is this a normal conversation topic with your parents? Do they use discussions about inheritance specifically to cause drama and tension between siblings?

May I gently suggest that you try to work through your discomfort of discussing money and death with your mom?  These issues are difficult for all parties but if the lines of communication are open and clear it will be easier in the long run.

Also...regarding these items as a "normal" conversation topic:  After my father in law died, my mother in law turned to me to discuss finances.  My husband and I were geographically closer than his other sibs and I am the one of this couple that is more interested in money and investment.  My mother in law had not had to deal with finances previously.   Her husband had taken on the job--and frankly my mother in law proved to be a lot smarter on this issue than he was.

One of my husband's sibs had been helped with a real estate purchase about a decade before my mother in law died.  That sib was then written off the trust of the family vacation cabin--a decision made by my mother in law. Sib claimed to understand the ramifications, but after my mother in law died every effort was made by sib for reconsideration.  Many emotions (good and bad) surface after a parent dies.  It really is better to be clear on a parent's wishes beforehand--even if you think the conversation is morbid or unpleasant.

Oh absolutely suggest it. You don't even have to be that gentle. :p My mom is visiting this weekend and I plan to at least ask her more questions about being the executor of her will. At the time she mentioned it I felt very uncomfortable, I think it was more the thought of her death than the money that made me uncomfortable. She's 65 now and I hope has many years left. However, you are correct, it is a discussion that should be had.

As for my father, he doesn't even have a bank account, I'd be shocked if he has investments. He does own a very unique special family property that he purchased from his grandmother. He told me once that he would give it in equal shares to myself and my 3 siblings. I requested that he pick one of us, instead of all of us, thinking that it would cause much less frustration in the end. It's not a property that we would ever sell and split the proceeds, unless it was to someone within the family. It's also currently a property that anyone, family or friends, has equal access to whenever they want. Having to make decisions split between 4 people seems like a recipe for disaster. I should talk to him about that again next time I see him.

Thanks for sharing your story. I understand the reasons, I just also see so many stories where it seems like the parent is changing wills left and right, and letting everyone know about it, seemingly just to cause drama. And that makes me sad. Luckily for anyone on this forum, having FI should somewhat alleviate the need to play such games if they come up (as has been described in previous posts/threads). :)

 

[henrysmom]

I am living this right now. My father passed away last September and my siblings and I all received insurance money of about $150K each.  We are all in our 40s and 50s.  In the scheme of things it's not a huge amount of money.  My husband and I quickly used it (along with some savings) to pay our house off, making us totally debt free.  This is important to us as we have a disabled son and wanted to secure him a place to live forever should he require long term assistance.  That also allowed me the liberty of considering retiring in 4 years, which not quite ER, is many years before most of my family and peers.  However, already I see the "free money" concept taking hold in my family.  One sister has already planned an expensive cruise for her and family (6 total); this while holding a lot of debt on a huge house and credit cards. BTW her and her husband own 5 cars between them including a new BMW) The other one has frittered some of it away already and plans on adding on a room to her house (she admits to over 40k in credit card debt).  I am grateful that my father made provisions that allowed me some financial freedom (although I have been pretty frugal overall, this was just a push into a totally debt free position).  My dad was a very frugal son of the depression and would want this money to be used wisely and it pains me to see my sisters not using it to leverage themselves into a more secure financial position. 

[BunnyBoi]

This seems like a good time to ask a question.

We are virtually certain that my mother-in-law is going to leave the lion's share of her assets to DW, in addition to making her executor (because DW is the most responsible and MIL thinks very highly of me). This is not completely unjustified. One daughter abuses prescription drugs and games the student loan system - and unfortunately her children are displaying similar characteristics. Another is an alcoholic who ostensibly did her best for her kids, but her poor marital choice/choice of father produced kids that aren't doing at that well either. Neither have a relationship with their mother. The last is a son and he is a good person who has PTSD from his time in Afghanistan. MIL isn't too happy with his life decisions since then, but she understands some of his underlying issues and I don't think he will be left out.

DW and I have discussed how we will deal with this problem. We've both generally agreed that regardless of what MIL does (assuming she doesn't donate everything, which would be a fantastic solution to the problem), DW needs to split the money 4 ways. What does everyone think about this? Should we just do this and call it a day? Should we do what some others have recommended and give it to the irresponsible members slowly over time? Or should we just do what MIL wants?

Just to add to some replies you have already gotten. Check out my post too!

I have got to say from my experience of slowly giving the money to some of the family members rather than lump sum is a huge burden!

You have to honestly expect that their first reaction is that they can and would easily be pissed (that they don't have control of the money) or they may start thinking irrationally like "You squandered all the money", don't be surprised if they react badly even if they were informed beforehand.

Expect months where they will yell at you saying "I need the money urgently to pay my bills", they will slowly come to expect a fixed amount from you and increase their expenses accordingly, taking into account the additional monthly income. Don't be surprised if they ask for an advance which will be up to you if you want to give.

Honestly, giving the money in one big lump sum would be so much easier but this creats another problem, what if they finish spending it all and haunt you with sob stories of having no money left after they spent it all. Well that is another thing to take into account.

In the end does your MIL care about those other kids a lot (like worries what will happen to them after she passes away) than maybe taking on the responsibility of giving a monthly allowance would be better, for her peace of mind. But if she doesn't care than charity or lump sums are your best options, at least in my opinion.

[NICE!]

Just to add to some replies you have already gotten. Check out my post too!

I have got to say from my experience of slowly giving the money to some of the family members rather than lump sum is a huge burden!

You have to honestly expect that their first reaction is that they can and would easily be pissed (that they don't have control of the money) or they may start thinking irrationally like "You squandered all the money", don't be surprised if they react badly even if they were informed beforehand.

Expect months where they will yell at you saying "I need the money urgently to pay my bills", they will slowly come to expect a fixed amount from you and increase their expenses accordingly, taking into account the additional monthly income. Don't be surprised if they ask for an advance which will be up to you if you want to give.

Honestly, giving the money in one big lump sum would be so much easier but this creats another problem, what if they finish spending it all and haunt you with sob stories of having no money left after they spent it all. Well that is another thing to take into account.

In the end does your MIL care about those other kids a lot (like worries what will happen to them after she passes away) than maybe taking on the responsibility of giving a monthly allowance would be better, for her peace of mind. But if she doesn't care than charity or lump sums are your best options, at least in my opinion.

Good points, thanks for helping me think about other possibilities. Hopefully this problem is a couple decades away (although I'm not confident, she's had a stroke and a heart attack and is only in her late 50s). I also hope that it resolves itself before she passes.

MIL currently has no relationship with the DW's two sisters. She still has a relationship with DW's brother and I'm confident he won't be left out. I do imagine he won't get a ton or DW will be responsible for giving it to him responsibly.

Honestly, it is a mess waiting to happen.

I guess my question is - what will the siblings think if DW (and her brother) get it all? They are already petulant children in many ways, so I fear that it will truly harm their already tenuous relationships with DW. I could also seem them viewing it as "the rich getting richer," or us not "needing it."

I'm seriously considering advising MIL to give everything away when she passes, or if that doesn't work, convincing DW to donate everything she is given to charity. Perhaps starting our own foundation to give scholarships to the children of inmates (we've talked about this doing this with our own money). Maybe we could even find a way to have the siblings do some work for the foundation, that way they'd make a little money and have some buy-in. I don't know.

[former player]

My story.

My brother(7 years older) and I are in our 20's, our mother just passed away last year.

I was the sole caregiver to our mother since the age of 14, did everything for her till the very end.
Brother, the spoiled and rebellious upper middle class guy, who purposely flunked school, got married too young, ending up with a child, than divorced. Never helped with care giving, still receiving an allowance (now considered a part of inheritance) and felt fully entitled to half the inheritance.

So with the way things were our mother requested for everything to be put in my name and I act as an administrator for my brother, which I agreed to. My job basically, give one small lump sum and an allowance til the day he dies, if he is more financially responsible than maybe he will get his inheritance in larger amounts. The current total inheritance allocation is 90% his and if I finish my education fast enough and start working sooner than he gets 95% of the total inheritance. Basically I have allocated almost everything to him, to make sure it last a very long time.

But he was honestly not happy about it, cause even though the money was still being given to him he didn't have control of all of it. I think his ego was also bruised due to the huge age difference between us. Currently we both still live together but it's like we are just complete strangers living in the same house.

Every time I try to talk to him he always claims to be busy or just looks seriously pissed off, than when something comes up he will be like "Why didn't you tell me?!" (well actually this was normal even before). Sigh I guess I have no choice but to deal with this since I agreed to it.

Sometimes I just dream of giving him everything and just simply run away, somewhere far where no one knows who I am and start a fresh all over again. To be free seems like such a dream.

It's so funny to me how he feels his anger is so justified, I wish instead of him yelling at me, it was me yelling at him but one of us has to act like a grown up.

My advice is everyone reacts differently.
My mother did actually give 50/50 but the fact was I never needed nor wanted the money, I just wanted her, she felt so sad that I lost my childhood and never did much but I will never ever regret taking care of her.
My brother didn't do anything but felt he was entitled to something so you have to see that each person is different, I mean you could give the entitled person everything and it would still honestly not be good enough.

Sometimes, relationships were already broken before you notice them.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother: I have just lost mine after caring for her (although for a much shorter period, and as a FIREd adult).  I'd like to give you two pieces of advice.  The first is not to do anything irrevocable for the time being. Your mother died just last year, and you have a lot to deal with.  I'd suggest that you not make any major decisions until you have finished your education and started a career.  The second is that the situation you are currently in - sharing your childhood home with your brother and being responsible for giving him an allowance for life - is a disastrous set up for both of you in the long term.  If you possibly can, I think you need to find a way to set both you and your brother free to live your own lives in whatever way seems best to each of you without being tied to living in the family property or you being responsible for providing your brother with a lifetime of remittance payments.  I wish you the best, though, whatever you do.

[MooseOutFront]

Strange replies to this thread.  Maybe it's my age, but I have zero experience with knowing someone who squandered an inheritance of any amount.  Not sure when the topic comes up.  Also the comments that one would rather have their relative than their relative's money are weird too.  Feels like it goes without saying.

I'll inherit enough to FIRE by MMM/ERE standards, but not by normal people standards and not until after 60+ yrs old so I pretty much factor it in about like social security as a margin of safety that I feel will be there some day but nothing to plan for.

My story of family inequality is when my grandparents left their farm to my brother and me giving my dad and his childless brother an equal life estate there.  My dad's brother felt shafted and I can see it, but my grandparents were concerned about his wife (now divorced) and they really wanted the property to stay in the family.

[Self-employed-swami]

I am at the age where many of my friends and people in my peer groups are losing loved ones (parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles etc.) and are receiving lump sum inheritances or life insurance payouts ranging from 20 K to 2 million dollars .  In most cases this money is gone within a year, spent on vacations, new cars, home renovations, new homes, vacation properties etc.  I just find it so sad that these people worked their entire lives to generate this wealth to live on and/or pass down and that lifetime of work and savings in gone in a frivolous heart beat.    I am so blessed that I have both my parents and in-laws alive, healthy and happily married and it is my greatest wish they live long enough to spending every last cent they saved for their retirement for their own enjoyment.

I wonder if it is grief that leads people to do mistaken things with inheritances. I know that when my favorite uncle died last year, I gained 25 pounds in a few months (the All Cookie Grief Reduction Diet). Some of us lose our sanity when we lose people who are important to us. I don't know how I will cope when my parents die.

Yes. When my Mon died 7 years ago, both my sister and I got about $60,000 in insurance money.

After a year, I had like $10,000 left, Plus about $14,000 I put into my RRSP. The rest went to finishing school without debt, buying myself a car (spent $12,500 on it, and we had it for 4 years before we sold it for $7300, so not the worst decision ever, but we didn't really need a second car) and our wedding including honeymoon (about $15,000 all together there). Again, not the worst decision ever, but it was all done in a state of grief.
Luckily, it took another 3 years almost before her estate was settled, and we got the rest of the money (another ~$400,000 in total over that 3 year period).

I am so glad that we did our frivolous spending with the first chunk, and saved/invested the rest. $200,000 went towards out house purchase (so we have a tiny mortgage that doesn't ever stress me out) and the rest is in investments, more or less.

Having that money also bought me time to quit working at a job I hated, and start my own business, which would have made my Mom immensely happy. She worked all her life to try and leave something to my sister and I, and I think I did exactly what she would have wanted with it, bought my freedom and choices. And that money bought comfort from knowing that we will always be able to afford our house, as long as one of us can have a minimum wage job.

[UnleashHell]

when my grandmother died she left me a small amount of money - for fun money (a couple of thousand). We spent it on going to florida for xmas with the kids and meeting up with my parents who had flown in from England. It was money well spend for us to spend the time together.
She also left about 50,000 k to my dad (only child) and that was put towards buying a house to rent out. they now own their own house outright and a further 4 properties in  England that are rentals and the money thrown off by them pays for my parents to travel around the world. They spend between 4 and 6 weeks each winter in Florida as we now live here. The effect of the money left by her has snowballed into a good retirement for my parents. My dad is still a deal chaser and only travels when he can find the right price for the travel - ie they visited us in December but went on a cruise for 7 days - at a cost of $199 each!!

The money they leave will be crazy as they don't even go through the rental income they get. By the time they do leave anything It will be nothing but a bonus as I'll be FI in about 2 1/2 years. 
I'll use it to slowly help my kids become FI - as long as they do most of the heavy lifting themselves. otherwise it'll end up in trusts that will pay out over a long period of time so they don't blow it all at once.

[hybrid]

My mother feels very strongly that leaving my brother and me an inheritance is something that she is supposed to do. No amount of my brother and I telling her we don't want nor need a dime will sway her from that. It's odd dealing with two sets of values. Should I receive an inheritance I will invest it, but that is something I neither plan on nor like to consider. It will happen one day I suspect, and it will bring me no joy or comfort as I would have rathered she experience a few more things with a portion of those funds. Ah, well. Her call.

[Albert]

If you want to tear apart sibling relations from beyond the grave there is no better way than leaving a serious inheritance and dividing it very unequally. Just don't do it unless one or more of your children are completely lost causes (say in prison for murder).

[Villanelle]

This is a long story, so bear with me.

I have a brother and a sister. When we were kids, my brother had nearly-fatal health issues, which left him with physical disabilities. Hospital stays meant he missed big chunks of school. Finally, the terror that I'm sure my parents felt led to them treating him differently, so that he developed an expectation that his issues (physical disabilities, lower intellectual abilities) will be accommodated by the world.

As a kid, I hated this. I was young enough that I didn't understand that he was likely to die, so I saw it as "Brother was sick, now he's better, just treat him normally". I was constantly upset at the "unfairness" of the way he was treated. (Example: I missed an assignment, teacher called home to tell my parents, my birthday party was cancelled, I had to call my guests while my dad yelled at me, and I was grounded for two months. Within those two months, Brother cheated on a test. His punishment was a stern talking-to in private.) I was convinced they loved him more.

My sister has more of a balanced approach. She got the benefit of a more moderated parenting approach; not as strict as I had but not as lenient as Brother had. She's smarter than me and is in a higher-earning line of work, while being married to another high earner.

My brother is in a low-earning line of work, and is not very good at it. He's held back by his physical disabilities and the attitude that my parents developed in him. He's not a spendthrift, but he's not smart with money. He's the kind of person who would be suckered into a lease agreement believing it to be a good deal.

I would never have said this as a child/teen/young adult, but from my vantage point now, I would like to see the majority of my parents' wealth go to my brother in a controlled way. My sister and I will be fine; any inheritance would be gravy. In fact, I would feel a lot of guilt if I were to use the money my dad earned on a goal (ER) he wouldn't support (because he wants me to reach for the top in my career).

But my parents are near-obsessed with fairness from a monetary perspective, so I doubt it'll ever happen. The best I can hope for is to be able to use my position as executor to finagle things.

Thanks for posting this.  It really helped me reevaluate my stance and see some nuances that I was missing.  I think that perhaps if my parents sat me down before hand (as they have done, to discuss the basics of the will and where to find everything) and explained that they were giving more to my sister, and why, it might be a much less bitter pill to swallow. 

My sister and I are largely equal in most relevant ways.  She and her husband spend more, but they also make more, though not on a huge scale.  We are certainly both equally capable, though her career path is far more successful (lucrative) than mine now that living overseas as killed a lot of my prospects.  But neither of us has any unique need for the money, and neither of us has any reason why maybe we couldn't be trusted to be reasonable with the money (like additions, a history of horrible financial decisions, etc.).  So in our case, it would be difficult for me to understand why they might choose to give her more because really, the only logical reason that I can think of for our specific family would be favoritism. 

If there was some explanation that made some sense, and if my parents sat down with me and explained that, then I think I would likely be okay, or muchly okay with it.  Lacking that explanation, it would look a lot like favoritism and that's why I'd be hurt. 

[paddedhat]

Nice, you and your wife certainly have a potential mess heading your way.

 I recently completed a three year stint where the wife and I were executors for three parents of ours. My mother's case closely resembled yours.  I have two siblings, my sister is a train wreck caused by drugs, alcohol, and a lifetime attached to the welfare nipple. My brother was a financial disaster with no job, no money, $125K in unsecured debt, and the sheriff at his door, "helping" him move.

 Where the situation differs is that my Mom divided the assets evenly, with the requirement that I step in and fill her role as chief enabler of my totally screwed up sister. The language basically directed me to assume her guardianship, which was my Mom's delusion, as this loser desperately needs a kick in the ass, not a guardian. Since I refused to continue playing the game with my sister, and even told my Mom that I refused to be executor if she insisted on this madness, I was stuck in a rough spot. In the end, my lawyer convinced a special needs trust to take possession of her funds, and distribute them to cover her living expenses, until the funds were exhausted. Since the trust was of a similar mindset as I, when it came the fact that she was a pretty weak candidate for being "special needs", they only accepted her after my very savvy lawyer did a lot of begging. 

MY brother took the money ( about 1/3 of a million) and cleaned up his financial mess. He then bought a nice little home, for cash, and continued his life, living as close to being worthless as it gets. This continued for a few years, until he decided that he had enough of being a loser. He is now back in sales, and worked his way, quickly, up the ladder.  He is about to be promoted to a region VP position in a legitimate marketing outfit. He should see his first six figure 1099 in 2015.

I guess the point of this is to not give up on the bro. with PTSD.  There are ways to carefully dole the money out, if he continues to crash and burn, through various trusts designed to do so. And who knows? Maybe, one day he will snap out of it, and get back on track again, like my brother did. I would of bet $10k that my bro. would of hit 50 yrs. old as a minimum wage, working drunk, who was barely holding onto his house, and still driving a 25 year old Suburban with shit falling off it.  But, happily I was wrong.

As for your remaining SILs, I think you need to give a LOT of weight to the fact that the MIL has no relationship to them anymore. IMHO, people tend to over value biology when it comes to who deserves what, in settling an estate. If the MIL wishes to not give anything to offspring that she no longer is involved with, that's her wish, and it needs to be honored. As an executor, taking your portion and redistributing it, based on what you think is "fair" is a bit troubling. Is it happening out of a sense of guilt? Is it happening because there is some need for justice, balance, or making things "right" even though this specifically disregards the wishes of the deceased? IMHO, i's a bad road to head down.  The Mom might be perfectly fine with the knowledge that giving either of these two a dime is only going to enable them to continue a downward spiral, so what gives anybody the right to disrespect that.

I had clients in the past that owned several businesses, and had a high net worth. They had a daughter who worked her ass off in the family businesses, and a son who was a serious drug addict and gave them decades of grief. In the end the son got nothing, and the daughter got it all. It blew the son's mind to know that he got stiffed, but he couldn't see the fact that he would of destroyed everything they worked their wholes lives for. Being fair in that case was not giving the son enough cash to be buying coke by the kilo, or giving him a business to run into the ground, particularly since they set him up with his own business in the past, and he threw it all away. Life isn't fair, and sometimes cutting the pie equally is the worst move of all.

[Cookie78]

Oh absolutely suggest it. You don't even have to be that gentle. :p My mom is visiting this weekend and I plan to at least ask her more questions about being the executor of her will. At the time she mentioned it I felt very uncomfortable, I think it was more the thought of her death than the money that made me uncomfortable. She's 65 now and I hope has many years left. However, you are correct, it is a discussion that should be had.

So I won't be talking to my mom about it for awhile. My brother just killed himself last night.

Please hug your loved ones a little extra for me today. :(

[caliq]

Oh absolutely suggest it. You don't even have to be that gentle. :p My mom is visiting this weekend and I plan to at least ask her more questions about being the executor of her will. At the time she mentioned it I felt very uncomfortable, I think it was more the thought of her death than the money that made me uncomfortable. She's 65 now and I hope has many years left. However, you are correct, it is a discussion that should be had.

So I won't be talking to my mom about it for awhile. My brother just killed himself last night.

Please hug your loved ones a little extra for me today. :(

Oh my god, I'm so sorry to hear that.  Condolences to you and yours. 

[Rezdent]

Oh absolutely suggest it. You don't even have to be that gentle. :p My mom is visiting this weekend and I plan to at least ask her more questions about being the executor of her will. At the time she mentioned it I felt very uncomfortable, I think it was more the thought of her death than the money that made me uncomfortable. She's 65 now and I hope has many years left. However, you are correct, it is a discussion that should be had.

So I won't be talking to my mom about it for awhile. My brother just killed himself last night.

Please hug your loved ones a little extra for me today. :(

Oh, Cookie78. ..
I am so sad for you and your family
<big, long, hug>
Our family has gone through this too.

[Villanelle]

Cookie, I am so very sorry for you and your family.

[former player]

Cookie, I'm sorry for your loss.  My sympathies go to you and yours.

[Capsu78]

Cookie,
May Peace find you in this time of great sorrow.  I have been too close for comfort to a similar situation and the emotional path is very heavy.

[Cookie78]

Thank you

[Metta]

Oh absolutely suggest it. You don't even have to be that gentle. :p My mom is visiting this weekend and I plan to at least ask her more questions about being the executor of her will. At the time she mentioned it I felt very uncomfortable, I think it was more the thought of her death than the money that made me uncomfortable. She's 65 now and I hope has many years left. However, you are correct, it is a discussion that should be had.

So I won't be talking to my mom about it for awhile. My brother just killed himself last night.

Please hug your loved ones a little extra for me today. :(

I am so sorry! I hope that you will find peace in time.

[crispy]

Oh absolutely suggest it. You don't even have to be that gentle. :p My mom is visiting this weekend and I plan to at least ask her more questions about being the executor of her will. At the time she mentioned it I felt very uncomfortable, I think it was more the thought of her death than the money that made me uncomfortable. She's 65 now and I hope has many years left. However, you are correct, it is a discussion that should be had.

So I won't be talking to my mom about it for awhile. My brother just killed himself last night.

Please hug your loved ones a little extra for me today. :(

I am so, so sorry.

[NoraLenderbee]

Cookie, I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you, and your mother.

[NICE!]

Cookie, I'm very sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

[Annamal]

Oh absolutely suggest it. You don't even have to be that gentle. :p My mom is visiting this weekend and I plan to at least ask her more questions about being the executor of her will. At the time she mentioned it I felt very uncomfortable, I think it was more the thought of her death than the money that made me uncomfortable. She's 65 now and I hope has many years left. However, you are correct, it is a discussion that should be had.

So I won't be talking to my mom about it for awhile. My brother just killed himself last night.

Please hug your loved ones a little extra for me today. :(

Oh god I am so sorry.

[abhe8]

So, not to sound crass, but are most people surprised by their inheritance? I guess I should count myself blessed that both my parents and my ILS have their estates planned, and they shared the details of the will with us all. Now, we don't know the net worth s, but that will obviously change. But we do know how things will be divided and we really appreciated the chance to hear from them themselves, how they made their decisions. I personally think things should be divided equally among siblings, barring extreme situations such as prison or complete disability.

[abhe8]

This is a long story, so bear with me.

I have a brother and a sister. When we were kids, my brother had nearly-fatal health issues, which left him with physical disabilities. Hospital stays meant he missed big chunks of school. Finally, the terror that I'm sure my parents felt led to them treating him differently, so that he developed an expectation that his issues (physical disabilities, lower intellectual abilities) will be accommodated by the world.

As a kid, I hated this. I was young enough that I didn't understand that he was likely to die, so I saw it as "Brother was sick, now he's better, just treat him normally". I was constantly upset at the "unfairness" of the way he was treated. (Example: I missed an assignment, teacher called home to tell my parents, my birthday party was cancelled, I had to call my guests while my dad yelled at me, and I was grounded for two months. Within those two months, Brother cheated on a test. His punishment was a stern talking-to in private.) I was convinced they loved him more.

My sister had more of a balanced approach. She got the benefit of a more moderated parenting approach; not as strict as I had but not as lenient as Brother had. She's smarter than me and is in a higher-earning line of work, while being married to another high earner.

My brother is in a low-earning line of work, and is not very good at it. He's held back by his physical disabilities and the attitude that my parents developed in him. He's not a spendthrift, but he's not smart with money. He's the kind of person who would be suckered into a lease agreement believing it to be a good deal.

I would never have said this as a child/teen/young adult, but from my vantage point now, I would like to see the majority of my parents' wealth go to my brother in a controlled way. My sister and I will be fine; any inheritance would be gravy. In fact, I would feel a lot of guilt if I were to use the money my dad earned on a goal (ER) he wouldn't support (because he wants me to reach for the top in my career).

But my parents are near-obsessed with fairness from a monetary perspective, so I doubt it'll ever happen. The best I can hope for is to be able to use my position as executor to finagle things.

You could always use your Loftin to purchase an annuity or some other controlled income stem for your brother. No need to try to info your parents wishes during division of the estate. That is very kind of you!

[rocketpj]

I have an interesting story on inheritance to relate.

My grandmother, who was quietly quite wealthy (her father was a rich man in London prior to WWII). She inherited a lot, but didn't even tell my grandfather about it - nobody really knew about it until she died and the books were opened.

One thing she did, which I was abundantly grateful for, is left each of the grandkids a sum of money to pay for college.  I was never told the exact amount, but my tuition was paid for every year (Thanks Grandma!).  I suspect my parents, who managed that money, supplemented the original amount to cover a little bit of my grad school tuition, for which I am also grateful.

Another thing she did, which I didn't know about, was leave a pile of very expensive jewelry to 'the girls'.  Her three granddaughters, including my sister, all received a lot of very valuable things.  When I did find out about it I had ZERO issue with it - it was her stuff and she had every right to do what she wanted with it. 

However, my parents felt bad that I had been 'left out' of a share of that stuff, and told me they would make changes to their will to rebalance the books.  I thought about it for about 5 seconds, then asked them to please not worry about it - the last thing I want to be doing in the aftermath of losing my parents is having conflict with my sister about a few thousand dollars.

[Worsted Skeins]

Cookie,

I am so sorry.  May you and your family find peace in this difficult time.

[Ozstache]

As I am already FIREd, by definition I don't need any further money received through inheritance or otherwise. As such, I have told my parents I am OK financially and therefore they should split any inheritance they intended to give me equally with my two brothers. Amusingly, they still intend to give me a third, in the name of perceived equity amongst siblings I expect. If they do, I will just give my brothers the money anyway.

My wife, however, is an only child and stands to inherit from her elderly mother in the next decade or so. We are currently managing her finances as Power of Attorney, so there are no surprises at all as to what is coming. Again, we don't actually need the money, so our plan when we get it is to set up a family trust and help out other family members in genuine financial need. Hopefully this will reduce the chance of an inheritance tragedy, but I am acutely aware that there will always be the chance of disunity when family and money are involved, no matter how fair we think we are being.

[Knapptyme]

Just like anything, some people get ahead from opportunity, and others piddle it away.  I like to thing we underestimate the number of those that get ahead because they don't typically walk around talking about it.

Yep, unfortunately, this is our situation. My DW lost her mom about five years ago, and though not a lot in terms of inheritance, we have been fast-tracked for early retirement since. First step, use the money to pay off our mortgage. It didn't change how we lived at all. I will admit that we splurged on a porch addition that was thought of in the distant future without the inheritance mainly as a memorial. It's awesome, and we love spending time out there.

The main goal is to buy ourselves time, as much time with each other and our kids as possible. Because we learned, as if we didn't know, that time is finite for us here.

[innerscorecard]

We should be happy and grateful that these people are circulating the money back into the economy.

[weston]

If you want to tear apart sibling relations from beyond the grave there is no better way than leaving a serious inheritance and dividing it very unequally. Just don't do it unless one or more of your children are completely lost causes (say in prison for murder).

+1

As I mentioned earlier, I have dealt with this situation a number of times professionally. I have never, ever known of a family that was torn apart because everyone was treated equally. I have known of several families that were just ripped to shreds by parents treating their children unequally and finding some justification in their own mind that it was somehow "fairer" that way.

Absent serious disabilities or truly, truly egregious past conduct (something I am sure exists but which I have never seen in these situations) I think all parents need to decide is which is more important, giving more to one of their children or leaving all their children with a fighting chance of having a strong bond and a good relationship with their siblings.

[Tabaxus]

If you want to tear apart sibling relations from beyond the grave there is no better way than leaving a serious inheritance and dividing it very unequally. Just don't do it unless one or more of your children are completely lost causes (say in prison for murder).

+1

As I mentioned earlier, I have dealt with this situation a number of times professionally. I have never, ever known of a family that was torn apart because everyone was treated equally. I have known of several families that were just ripped to shreds by parents treating their children unequally and finding some justification in their own mind that it was somehow "fairer" that way.

Absent serious disabilities or truly, truly egregious past conduct (something I am sure exists but which I have never seen in these situations) I think all parents need to decide is which is more important, giving more to one of their children or leaving all their children with a fighting chance of having a strong bond and a good relationship with their siblings.

Or the siblings could get the F over it and not allow the parents' decision with what to do with the parents' money to ruin the siblings' bond among themselves.  I just can't fathom that mindset. 

[infogoon]

Anyone who would be hurt by their parents' decision about who to give their money to is silly.  Why on earth do you think you have any right to any expectations with respect to how your parents will distribute their resources?

This is America. Money == Love.

[Tabaxus]

Anyone who would be hurt by their parents' decision about who to give their money to is silly.  Why on earth do you think you have any right to any expectations with respect to how your parents will distribute their resources?

This is America. Money == Love.

Ha, well then, my future kids will hate me when they find out that they're only in my will to the extent they will need to go to college at the time I die!

[weston]

If you want to tear apart sibling relations from beyond the grave there is no better way than leaving a serious inheritance and dividing it very unequally. Just don't do it unless one or more of your children are completely lost causes (say in prison for murder).

+1

As I mentioned earlier, I have dealt with this situation a number of times professionally. I have never, ever known of a family that was torn apart because everyone was treated equally. I have known of several families that were just ripped to shreds by parents treating their children unequally and finding some justification in their own mind that it was somehow "fairer" that way.

Absent serious disabilities or truly, truly egregious past conduct (something I am sure exists but which I have never seen in these situations) I think all parents need to decide is which is more important, giving more to one of their children or leaving all their children with a fighting chance of having a strong bond and a good relationship with their siblings.

Or the siblings could get the F over it and not allow the parents' decision with what to do with the parents' money to ruin the siblings' bond among themselves.  I just can't fathom that mindset.

Your inability to fathom something does not make it any less of a reality.

[Tabaxus]

If you want to tear apart sibling relations from beyond the grave there is no better way than leaving a serious inheritance and dividing it very unequally. Just don't do it unless one or more of your children are completely lost causes (say in prison for murder).

+1

As I mentioned earlier, I have dealt with this situation a number of times professionally. I have never, ever known of a family that was torn apart because everyone was treated equally. I have known of several families that were just ripped to shreds by parents treating their children unequally and finding some justification in their own mind that it was somehow "fairer" that way.

Absent serious disabilities or truly, truly egregious past conduct (something I am sure exists but which I have never seen in these situations) I think all parents need to decide is which is more important, giving more to one of their children or leaving all their children with a fighting chance of having a strong bond and a good relationship with their siblings.

Or the siblings could get the F over it and not allow the parents' decision with what to do with the parents' money to ruin the siblings' bond among themselves.  I just can't fathom that mindset.

Your inability to fathom something does not make it any less of a reality.

And the realty of it doesn't make it any less absurd, nor excuse the folks who would allow their parents' choice on inheritance to effect their relationships amongst themselves. 

Parents shouldn't have to alter their course on an inheritance to account for their adult children acting like spoiled, entitled brats who would throw away relationships with their siblings because of how the inheritance shakes out, and children who would allow something like this to influence their relationships with their siblings are undeserving of an inheritance in the first place.

(I am leaving aside the one obvious exception to this--changed inheritance procured by fraud or something of that nature.  I suppose one could say that in a scenario with unequal inheritance, the "shafted" siblings "would always wonder" if it was a fraud case.  The solution to that, of course, is for the parents to be upfront about their plans, but even setting that aside, to account for unplanned death, an explanation letter can be left, or the siblings could just generally trust each other--if the siblings DON'T trust each other anyway, what relationship are you trying to preserve by being "equal"?)

[hunniebun]

Cookie78 - I am so sorry for your loss.  This topic has provided some interesting and useful discussion, but I am sure none of us imagined that someone in our discussion would have to deal with this today.  I pray that you and your family provide each other with the love and support that you need at this beyond-difficult time.  Take care and know that people you have never even met are thinking about your and praying for you. 

[MandalayVA]

Oh, Cookie, no, I'm so sorry.  My thoughts are with you and yours.

[Cookie78]

Cookie78 - I am so sorry for your loss.  This topic has provided some interesting and useful discussion, but I am sure none of us imagined that someone in our discussion would have to deal with this today.  I pray that you and your family provide each other with the love and support that you need at this beyond-difficult time.  Take care and know that people you have never even met are thinking about your and praying for you.

Thank you. It means a lot.
I hesitated posting here because I didn't want to derail the discussion at all, but weirdly it felt like the safest place to do so. I am getting lots of support from my family and I should be able to see my mom tomorrow and everyone else in a few days. It's hard being apart from them and I haven't talked to any of my friends yet, except my tenants who I spent most of the day with yesterday, and my boyfriend who is hopefully able to fly here within the next couple days. I should talk to my friends more, but I go back and forth between wanting to be with people and wanting to push them away.

I've received so much inspiration and excitement for life and the potential for the future on this forum the last few months, that this suicide seems like such an enormous loss of amazing potential. But I also know he'd been suffering for a very long time. I remember walking into my parents room about 20 years ago and seeing him with a gun in his mouth.

The hardest part for me is seeing the rest of my family suffer so much, especially my mom, whose own mother just passed away in October. But she sounds better today. I think she's in logistics mode, trying to sort out the arrangements.

Sorry for being offtopic, thanks for letting me vent.
Cookie78

[NICE!]

The thread can wait. If you gotta vent, you have a place here.