Author Topic: The Mustachian Commandments of Transportation  (Read 4150 times)

Le Poisson

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The Mustachian Commandments of Transportation
« on: September 30, 2015, 06:51:16 AM »
I've been on here just long enough to notice that one of our favourite ongoing web-battles is to critique the driving choices of others. And I'm quite guilty of doing it myself. I thought it would be fun to lay out the general consensus on these things in King James Version... here goes:

1. Thou shalt drive as little as possible.
2. When thou choosest thine home and thine employment, consider the proximity of one to the other, for behold this shall reduce thine dependency on thine car.
3. When thou drivest, thine locomotion of choice shall be the smallest possible.
4. Thy feet are divine. Thy bicycle holy. Thy small car is a tolerable evil. Thy sedan or minivan questionable. Thy pickup truck evil, but sometimes necessary. Thy longbed, jacked-up, super-duty racing truck is an abomination in the hairs of the mustache.
5. Vehicles which pollutest not are greater in glory than those which spew forth toxins.
6. Own thee not a vehicle greater in girth than necessary for every day use. For behold, renting is an option.
7. Covet not a car greater in horsepower than thine sewing machine, for behold thy sewing machine may bouy up thy stache but thine vehicle shall be as a millstone about thine neck.
8. Consider the butterfly, for behold, though they movest not by any means but their own, yet they go great distances. Such shall be the ways of the mustachian.
9. Drivest thou not as though thou were at LeMans. Behold thine fuel economy and thy safety are at stake.
10. Care thee well for thine vehicle; for behold feet, bicycles, cars, and trucks all will wear; and can be made to last longer through diligent care.

Thats a good start...
 

« Last Edit: September 30, 2015, 12:52:04 PM by Prospector »

sunday

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Re: The Mustachian Commandments of Transportation
« Reply #1 on: September 30, 2015, 11:16:37 AM »
...the eyes of the mustache.

Or maybe, the hairs of the mustache?

sunday

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Re: The Mustachian Commandments of Transportation
« Reply #2 on: September 30, 2015, 11:18:31 AM »
Blessed is the Honda Fit, for the subcompact shall inherit the earth.

Thou shalt eschew comprehensive insurance, for thy own stache be thine self insurance.
« Last Edit: September 30, 2015, 11:21:37 AM by sunday »

Le Poisson

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Re: The Mustachian Commandments of Transportation
« Reply #3 on: September 30, 2015, 11:21:50 AM »
...the eyes of the mustache.

Or maybe, the hairs of the mustache?

Fixed.

Also notable, I totally missed public transportation.

runningthroughFIRE

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Re: The Mustachian Commandments of Transportation
« Reply #4 on: September 30, 2015, 12:39:35 PM »

7. Covet not a car greater in horsepower than thine sewing machine, for behold thy sewing machine may contribute to thy increase but thine vehicle shall be as a millstone about thine neck.


Maybe something like "contribute to thy 'stache"?  I'll float the idea of "raise thy 'stache" in contrast to a sinking millstone, but that seems shaky.

markbike528CBX

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Re: The Mustachian Commandments of Transportation
« Reply #5 on: September 30, 2015, 12:47:58 PM »
9. Drivest thou not as though thou were at LeMans. Behold thine fuel economy and thy safety are at stake. /q

Confession:
   I've violated this in the specific and general senses.

Specific:
      I floored the pedal on the Mulsanne straight at LeMans. It is a public highway much of the time.  I was driving a VW TDI, which was a Mustachian machine several days ago, so I really didn't get going very fast.

General:
  My non-mustachian car fails to get even close to the rated economy when I drive it.   
When my wife drives it, no problem with fuel economy.

Le Poisson

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Re: The Mustachian Commandments of Transportation
« Reply #6 on: September 30, 2015, 12:50:57 PM »

7. Covet not a car greater in horsepower than thine sewing machine, for behold thy sewing machine may contribute to thy increase but thine vehicle shall be as a millstone about thine neck.


Maybe something like "contribute to thy 'stache"?  I'll float the idea of "raise thy 'stache" in contrast to a sinking millstone, but that seems shaky.

"Float the idea" - I see what you did there. Fix'd

GuitarStv

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Re: The Mustachian Commandments of Transportation
« Reply #7 on: September 30, 2015, 12:51:15 PM »
In before the vocal truck owners complain about yet another attack on their God given need to drive a truck at all times.

ketchup

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Re: The Mustachian Commandments of Transportation
« Reply #8 on: September 30, 2015, 12:52:41 PM »
Thou shalt not drive an automatic unless no other option existeth.

Le Poisson

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Re: The Mustachian Commandments of Transportation
« Reply #9 on: September 30, 2015, 12:53:24 PM »
9. Drivest thou not as though thou were at LeMans. Behold thine fuel economy and thy safety are at stake. /q

Confession:
   I've violated this in the specific and general senses.

Specific:
      I floored the pedal on the Mulsanne straight at LeMans. It is a public highway much of the time.  I was driving a VW TDI, which was a Mustachian machine several days ago, so I really didn't get going very fast.

General:
  My non-mustachian car fails to get even close to the rated economy when I drive it.   
When my wife drives it, no problem with fuel economy.

Your confession is noted - as pennance the great mustache demands that you trade in your lead foot for a feather. Henceforth thou shalt wear ballet slippers when driving.

Shane

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Re: The Mustachian Commandments of Transportation
« Reply #10 on: September 30, 2015, 01:12:10 PM »
It might be fun if someone adapted the letter below to be "An Open Letter to Mr. Money Mustache"...

We need some good, bible-justified punishments for our non-Mustachian neighbors and coworkers. Anyone up for smiting clown-car drivers or stoning fancypants neighbors?


Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.
 

markbike528CBX

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Re: The Mustachian Commandments of Transportation
« Reply #11 on: September 30, 2015, 02:59:55 PM »
9. Drivest thou not as though thou were at LeMans. Behold thine fuel economy and thy safety are at stake. /q

Confession:
   I've violated this in the specific and general senses.
........

Your confession is noted - as pennance the great mustache demands that you trade in your lead foot for a feather. Henceforth thou shalt wear ballet slippers when driving.

Does going barefoot or flipflops count?

runningthroughFIRE

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Re: The Mustachian Commandments of Transportation
« Reply #12 on: September 30, 2015, 03:14:24 PM »
9. Drivest thou not as though thou were at LeMans. Behold thine fuel economy and thy safety are at stake. /q

Confession:
   I've violated this in the specific and general senses.
........

Your confession is noted - as pennance the great mustache demands that you trade in your lead foot for a feather. Henceforth thou shalt wear ballet slippers when driving.

Does going barefoot or flipflops count?
Compromise: Tie a ribbon around your ankle while driving.  Just please don't tie your ankles together =p

Gone Fishing

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Re: The Mustachian Commandments of Transportation
« Reply #13 on: September 30, 2015, 03:22:13 PM »
Thou shall maintain but not obsess over minor, non-operation impairing, issues.