Syetting boundaries with your spouse on contribution(?)

[resy]

Yikes- this is a scary thing to talk about.  I NEED TO though as it is causing me very real anxiety that gets worse week after week. I also want to keep family out of the loop as I dont want any resentment or strained relationships down the road; you guys are wise, neutral and I feel could be of great help.
What I am about to describe is from my point of view but please also tell me if maybe my perspective is wrong or I am being hard/unfair, etc. I am confused.

So, my husband and I are newly weds. Only a few months od marriage after a relationship of a few years. I am late twenties he is early thirties.
I was a single mom since the age of 20 and this set me back a lot on education and stuff. Have been going to school on and off for years  and recently I decided things were finallybwell enough and my kid old enough for me yo dedicate myself more to it. My husband has a 4 year degree that he earned (graduated) a bit over 2 years ago but is currently not using.
The problem is this: I am tired of the dead end work I've been doing for the past decade. I am set to go back to school (as much as I can community college paying as I go). What I do is hard work and my body also feels tired. My husband is "on board" for me to do this but theres one problem... he is relying more and more on me to bring in his share of income.
He opened up a small family business with his father and brother but things have been tight. I had cut back to part time work in what I do so I had free time in which he asked if I could help him the days I had taken "my" work off.
I saw the need (loosing money every month) so I agreed despite it being a very physical job and male dominated.
Months have passed and the "busy" season is drawing to a close but now my husband wants me to invest myself more in his work as he has seen the financial part turn around for his business.
We are not rolling in dough, at all. In fact, when I did the math, THE TWO OF US bring in in profit only $500 more per month than I do alone. ($2000 me, $2500 "him").
This is causing me anxiety as I have ended up working 6 long days per week where my kid gets a neglected time-wise.  I also feel its unfair I am being pushed into helping him bring in his share of income. He has a college degree he isnt using because he is choosing not to, in my opinion. He says he couldnt find a job but I'm starting to think his expectations might have been too high (he has an operations management degree with perfect gpa). I have tried to talk to him about quitting this business but he gets defensive and last time when I expressed that I didnt want to do it he said "fine then I will quit and will go earn minimum wage because your the only one helping me so itd be over". He makes me feel guilty for wanting to step away.
Meanwhile, i also am the only one that keeps tabs on our money. I am actually good with money and not a spender/shopper so its not like I'm demanding a high standard of living that keeps him pressured or anything.
Am I wrong?? Am I being whinny??
My anxiety makes me take very deep breaths throughout the day as I feel so much pressure on my chest.
Please advice. Also, any suggestions on how to make it fair? Or kill the guilt I feel?
I am considerate and I consider myself a very equal, hard working partner.
I think this may be linked to him being insecure...but Im not sure how to help with that either.  Maybe immaturity even? Idk.
Any thoughts?

[sheepstache]

My main concern reading this is that the business is referred to as being his, his father's, and his brother's. If you are investing so much time into it, you need to be granted ownership too. It sounds like maybe you are also investing money in it but I can't tell. He's even said that he can't do it without you, that the business relies on you, and yet their efforts are capitalizing and yours are not.

It does sound like you want to stay away from criticizing how he makes a living. I don't think his degree and his using it or not are helpful to the discussion. Not that I have full knowledge of the situation, that's just my thought from what you've written here.

Maybe the way to deal with it is really accepting, hypothetically, that the two of you are going to run "his" business as a family business. You can then talk about what hours you can commit and what wage, as owners, you will be drawing. This could mean 1. calculating the wage, which would highlight that the two of you are only earning like 2 bucks an hour, or 2. it could mean calculating the value of your time committed, e.g., if you replace a worker who would cost them $15/hour, you can calculate how much value you have added to the business. You can divide the profit by what percentage of it you are responsible for. And then you can discuss whether it makes sense financially for the family for you to give up the opportunity cost of other, potentially better-paying, work.  The key here is that he sees you are emotionally committed to him and the business and the discussion is only about numbers and practicalities. But he needs to treat you like a partner and not free labor.

That would mean even more work for you. But right now you are getting all of the disadvantages of extra work and pushing back your own plans with no real benefit. This way you would at least be getting a benefit. A family business might be a really neat enterprise that could give you a lot of satisfaction--you don't mention any particular goals you want to reach though education other than moving up from dead end work, so that influences my response. I foresee that in the happy event that the business survives, ten years from now your husband will be proud of what "he" is contributing to the household while you are still earning around $2000 a month and spending 40 hours a week in dead end work, or at best going to school at that point when the return on investment is lower. Not emotionally sustainable.

[J Boogie]

Hang in there.  Try not to get bitter, and like sheepstashe said, don't focus on him not using his degree.  You want him to do what is meaningful to him, even though he's asking for so much of your time that you can't follow your dream.

If you are patient and not bitter, it'll help when you explain to him a marriage is about both partners supporting each other in following their dreams, and you feel like his dream is the only one being shown importance right now. 

Trust that you married a good man and be patient - he will see your perspective.  He'll see that it should be about "us" and not just his dream.  His dream shouldn't involve your long hours unless its your dream too.

[Frankies Girl]

Did you talk about this sort of stuff before you got married? That whole situation sounds pretty scary to me that it sounds like you're not able to actually discuss this sort of thing (money/anxiety about career/sharing of resources/school) with your partner. It also sounds like your husband is discounting your feelings and is not caring about you or your career (by going back to school) and need to spend time with your kid.

I have tried to talk to him about quitting this business but he gets defensive and last time when I expressed that I didnt want to do it he said "fine then I will quit and will go earn minimum wage because your the only one helping me so itd be over". He makes me feel guilty for wanting to step away.

This is NOT GOOD. Not at all. It is childish, controlling and manipulative. If he really said this, then he was expecting you to feel guilty and back down and go along with what he wants. This is not a good recipe for a good marriage and it does not bode well for your relationship long-term. You need to be able to discuss things with your partner and have them really listen and compromise. It may be something that you need to work on as far as how you discuss - sitting down when you both have time to talk, making sure to not come across as angry or accusatory - stick to facts and your feelings (using "I" statements like "I am very stressed and tired when I have to work extra hours, and I don't get to spend time with kid enough and feel like I'm missing out on too much."

If his only answer to this is a guilt-fest about how he'll just quit and work at a fast food restaurant if you're not working your ass off to make his business sort of squeak by... then frankly he is being a jerk. He needs to close down the business (as he isn't making it if he has to force his new wife to be slave labor) and get a real job and work his own ass off until he is making it. And guess what? He is NOT SUPPORTING YOUR ABILITY TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL in anything but "lip service" - in other words, sure Cinderella, as soon as you clean the whole freaking house and make your own dress and find a way there without inconveniencing him in any way... you can go back to school! How likely you think that is?

You're exhausted, stuck in a dead-end job and working so much (out of guilt) that you are missing out on family time with your kid and becoming resentful of your husband. You are not going to be able to move forward without your husband being willing to support you and significantly increase his work ethic, but sounds like he's not willing to do this. And he is demanding and manipulative and uses guilt to get what he wants, all the while not caring about what you want or need... that's not a relationship I'd want to be in.

Poor communication skills can cause serious problems, so if you're unable to have a meaningful discussion where you both are able to really listen to each other without the other being made to feel defensive or guilty, then it might be a good idea to find a competent counselor (and it may take a few tries to find someone that is good). All things considered, there is probably hope for you and him to work things out if you are both willing to listen and compromise. But something has to give.

[Thegoblinchief]

First of all, at your income levels, you can't BOTH go to school without incurring quite a bit of debt. (Assumed, since I'm not sure what your expense levels are.) So the first issue to solve is that.

How much job searching has he done? Has he talked to headhunters or temp agencies?

Are you both willing to relocate if necessary?

[MayDay]

For starters, I think you need to have a serious conversation about your limits.  Don't make it about how the business is failing, how he should use his degree, etc.  Just make it about you.  "Husband, I can no longer work 3 days a week for you.  I understand that you have been depending on my help.  However, I am no longer to devote so much time to the business as it is taking away from my ability to parent my child and go to school.  I do not want to leave you in the lurch, so lets decide on a time frame for reducing my assistance to one day a week.  Do you think the end of October is reasonable?" 

And maybe throw in some "I understand that you love your business, but I am not as interested in it.  As we have discussed, my primary interest is in attending school.  I want to support you in your efforts, but I cannot do so with such a large time commitment" 

If he sucks at the business side, and is going to fail without your help, well, maybe you should let him fail quickly rather than drag it out with you working 6 days a week in the meantime.  Honestly he sounds like a financial trainwreck (went to college, doesn't want to do that after all, failing business, now pursuing second totally unrelated degree).  People make mistakes and study things they later don't want to do, it happens.  But why is he clinging so hard to this business?  Why won't he try to get a job in his field?  Why does he just want to depend on you and not others (that one creeps me out actually). 

If you let yourself get enmeshed in the running of the business, it is only going to cause more problems later.  I would get out now, and make his business his problem.  If he doesn't have you picking up all the slack, maybe he will come to the realization sooner that he needs to bail

[RunningWithScissors]

Ooh - lots of red flags here for me.  Frankies Girl's post was great, but questions like 'Am I being too hard on him?' suggest to me that you struggle making and enforcing boundaries.

In my opinion, the two of you need to sit down together (not just you!) and make a household budget, talk about short term and long term goals and establish common goals.  Once you know the numbers (i.e. how much does it take to cover the bills) then you need to split the responsibility for the household including child care and income.  There may be minor differences initially, but once a specific timeline is set, such as 'in two years when your educational upgrade is done', then you can both provide equal contributions. 

Again, I think your biggest challenge will be in presenting your concerns, your needs and your limits.  It's OK to say 'No'.  In fact, the financial future of your family may depend on it.

[Freedom2016]

For starters, I think you need to have a serious conversation about your limits.  Don't make it about how the business is failing, how he should use his degree, etc.  Just make it about you.  "Husband, I can no longer work 3 days a week for you.  I understand that you have been depending on my help.  However, I am no longer to devote so much time to the business as it is taking away from my ability to parent my child and go to school.  I do not want to leave you in the lurch, so lets decide on a time frame for reducing my assistance to one day a week.  Do you think the end of October is reasonable?" 

And maybe throw in some "I understand that you love your business, but I am not as interested in it.  As we have discussed, my primary interest is in attending school.  I want to support you in your efforts, but I cannot do so with such a large time commitment" 

If he sucks at the business side, and is going to fail without your help, well, maybe you should let him fail quickly rather than drag it out with you working 6 days a week in the meantime.  Honestly he sounds like a financial trainwreck (went to college, doesn't want to do that after all, failing business, now pursuing second totally unrelated degree).  People make mistakes and study things they later don't want to do, it happens.  But why is he clinging so hard to this business?  Why won't he try to get a job in his field?  Why does he just want to depend on you and not others (that one creeps me out actually). 

If you let yourself get enmeshed in the running of the business, it is only going to cause more problems later.  I would get out now, and make his business his problem.  If he doesn't have you picking up all the slack, maybe he will come to the realization sooner that he needs to bail

I have to say I really disagree with the above because it reinforces the "me vs. you" division that seems to already be playing out. There seems to be very little sense of "team" here, so drawing such lines in the sand only reinforces that. (Not that I am opposed to setting boundaries; I just think that's not the right conversation for this moment.)  I would recommend having conversations that sound more like, "What are our shared goals for our future, what are our individual dreams, and what kinds of decisions should we make, together, to support both of those things?" A spirit of flexibility and generosity on both sides will go a long way.

[seattlecyclone]

To me it sounds like your husband expects to be able to make sure all of his top priorities are met, without much consideration for your priorities. He wants to run his own business and study part time, and if the business needs extra help you will be able to help out as much as necessary. Meanwhile you don't have the time you need to complete your own schooling, and you feel obligated to help out with this business even though you may not actually want to work there at all.

It's possible I'm skewing things a bit because I've only heard one side of the story, but that's my interpretation of your posts. If true, that's not a description of an equal partnership! You're a team now and you need to come up with a plan that you can both agree on. Maybe start with both of you picking out one top goal. Perhaps for you it would be completing your degree, and for him it would be keeping his business alive. Then discuss ways you can help each other achieve that goal. Maybe he'll help out more around the house so you have time to study, while you agree to keep helping out with the business until some agreed-upon date where it will have to sink or swim without you.

These disagreements require both members of the relationship to give and take. When one side gives too much and the other takes too much, resentment builds up and you'll have bigger problems down the road.