Thankyou all for the replies,
I understand the difficulty of finding someone. I also understand the dread that comes with the thought of going to something like a cocktail party. I dislike them intensely, and credit your courage to put yourself out there.
A couple thoughts:
1. Have you tried meetups/social events doing things you actually enjoy? If yes and no success, have you gone to things where women are often the majority? I was in yoga class yesterday-- all women plus 1 guy. Also, I often hear that 'speed dating' often has an imbalance of women.
2. How are you at asking questions and asking follow up questions? When I was out on the dating market, I was amazed at how many men just talked about themselves and maybe asked me only 1 or 2 things about myself, if any questions at all. I am skilled at asking questions and putting people at ease by showing a genuine interest in them, so the guy was probably at a distinct disadvantage, but often the night would end with the man feeling like I totally understood his heart and soul and thinking marriage, and I would be taken aback that he hadn't shown any effort to try and understand who I was. Part of this is on me-- I am actually not great at talking/being the life of the party. But when I found the few guys who asked heartfelt questions, I often ended up dating them :). The skill of asking questions, really listening, and picking up on themes and asking more questions, really trying to understand someone and their perspective, and affirming them in some way ("that sounds like it was an incredibly difficult time for you") is by far the most useful social/professional skill I have.
Best wishes in your search :)
Yes and no . I prefer a small gathering with a few close friends, but over the years as those friends have partnered up its getting harder to attend these get togethers without the embarrasment of answering the question "where's your girlfriend". Very few of my friends are still single/unmarried/without kids.
I too am the type who shows that genuine interest in others, but I've always found it hard to open up about myself - trusting others. So most girls find I'm great to talk to, but its a one way conversation and I find it hard to relate at times.
making nice conversation, forming new friendships and... well.... there's never any chemistry returned.
This right here is your main problem, as you are starting to realize. If this hasn't worked for a decade, what makes you think it will work now?
How old are you and what are you looking for with women? Dating? Casual relationships? Long-term relationship? Those two questions can change your approach significantly.
Also, do you generally have your shit together? Obviously you can't change things like height, baldness, facial structure, etc., but you can always put your best foot forward by getting into good shape, eating well, dressing well with clothes that fit your body type, grooming yourself well with a proper haircut/facial hair, taking care of your skin, etc. Look, if you want a good catch and someone that you find attractive, then you should be a good catch and present yourself as attractive, it's that simple.
28, have my shit together, looking for dating. Well groomed, always get complimented on my skin - I'm wholemeal in a whitebread world. May not have the best sense of fashion. (I can't give up my sneakers, the joke is that I inhabit a 90's Seinfeld world). Do not feel comfortable with more "modern" shoes.
Can take care of myself, live in my own place. Can do the ironing and vacuuming LOL. Still learning to cook more than the basics.
Have a good job, earn decent money. Love to play cricket, soccer, ride my bike and started going running again. Probably have 5 kilos to lose, not out of shape but not going to be able to chase to Usain Bolt either.
I am another fairly socially inept person who managed to get married (quite happily). I suggest you regard this as an experiment rather than an actual social situation. Try a behavior, take mental notes on the human responses you get, if you like the response keep the behavior; if you don't like the response, plan to try a different behavior in the next experimental situation.
Ex: First experiment (social event) I puke on shoes, person of interest leaves. Experimental result negative. Note to self, in future consume less alcohol. Next experiment (new social event, new person) I ask about person of interest's cat, person sits down and talks for 10 minutes. Experimental result positive. Note to self, in future ask about pets.
I think the Behavior Modification folks call this approach "feedback not failure" It works quite well for a nerd.
That I've done before actually when I was 18. Was talking with a really lovely girl and did throw up! In fairness, it was her throwing up that caused me to wretch, but nonetheless a funny story.
Part of the problem with the method you've described is that this is how my brain works all the time. It's the touchy feely stuff where things fall down.
Best thing I ever did for my social skills was read the Dale Carnegie classic How to Win Friends and Influence People. I read it in my early twenties, reread it from time to time, then as my career moved into building and growing a team, took a 12-week management course focused on his 30 principles about managing and motivating people. The first 10 of the 30 are the basics of how to win friends and the gist of them are showing a genuine interest in the other person. Remember their name, smile, compliment them, ASK THEM QUESTIONS ABOUT THEMSELVES. Going through all of this, I never cease to be amazed at how rare it is to meet someone who ever asks me a single question about myself - in a business setting or in a social setting. I can literally be on a 30 minute drive to a business meeting or on an hour long lunch with someone new to our company and they'll sit there letting me ask questions, gladly answer them but never ask me a damn thing. It's happens a lot, and the frequency is shocking!
Been there done that :) Really good book and 100 years later still hits the mark. Worked for me in every aspect of life except for one.
