Splitting the bill - awkward?

[NumberCruncher]

I went out to brunch with friends the other week and had an awkward moment...

I ordered a $9 main course and when it was just me and one other person (the others were running late) I suggested we order a $12 appetizer to share with everyone (total of six), and this friend agreed that was a good idea. Everyone did end up sharing the appetizer, for what it's worth.

The bill comes, and someone else quickly calculated tip and that it would be $40 split six ways...yeah O.o (Everyone else ordered a more expensive main and had fancy drinks). $40 is over 10% of our total usual food spending in a month, just for context. I asked if we could maybe just pay for what we ordered, and the friend who calculated the $40 was all "Sure, yeah," but then added something like "Put in your bit, then I'll split the rest."  -- This is weird, right? I felt super awkward and wasn't sure what to do...I ended up putting in $20, figuring $9 + $6 (half of the appetizer, as I figured I was half responsible for it) = $15, plus $5 for tip and tax

Did I commit a social faux pas? Should I have put in more? Should I have just paid the $40 and shut up? My SO and I have tech jobs (just like all the friends present), and we clearly *could* afford it, but at the same time...$40 for brunch???

What say you?

[NotJen]

All I have to say is that I'm glad I live in an area where the servers always ask "Separate checks?".  'Cause I could not deal with all these odd bill splitting scenarios. Everyone pays for what they order, period, end of story (unless you decide to treat).

For an appetizer, if I requested it, I would expect to pay, unless the other person who shared asks to have it split between the two checks.

[MsPeacock]

This happens a lot - the person who orders just soup gets to pick up part of the tab for the folks who ordered $12 cocktails and 2 appetizers, a bottle of wine, and a $30 entree. I think it was fine you spoke up and I doubt anyone is too worried about it. I think usually others just aren't keeping track of what you ordered and so it doesn't occur to them that evenly splitting the bill isn't always fair.

[MillenialMustache]

I wouldn't worry too much about it. I also try to ask for separate checks if possible.

Once, when I was studying abroad, we all went out to a pub for dinner - about 10 people. The professor wanted to split the bill and almost didn't allow me to. I had gotten basically the cheapest thing on the menu because I didn't really have any money, and the rest of the party had gone through several glasses of wine, etc. Thankfully, a couple of the other students sided with me and the professor finally did it. Awkward.

[Zikoris]

I've always asked for separate checks or only paid for my own food, and nobody's ever seemed to think twice about it. Anyone who would expect you to pay for a portion of their meal is a douchebag.

[trailrated]

http://www.theonion.com/article/caltech-physicists-successfully-split-the-bill-2037

[I'm a red panda]

I usually just deal with it, except when drinks are involved.  If everyone else has more than one drink, then I speak up- because I don't drink alcohol and that makes a HUGE difference.

Otherwise, I just accept that I will always be screwed when eating out as a group.  (I do love separate checks!)

[Shinplaster]

Been there too many times.  I've learned to say "separate checks please" when the the orders are taken.    Wait staff seem to appreciate knowing from the start that separate checks are required, rather than having to redo everything at the end.   And the people that want to have multiple cocktails on someone else's dime know that's not going to happen.

[BlueHouse]

I think we only make it awkward for ourselves.  Maybe as we practice more, it will get easier - especially with the advice to say it up front. 

One other thing I've noticed is that people lately tend to tip on the whole bill -- even alcohol. I was taught not to tip on alcohol other than based on the amount of work the server is doing.  so maybe different when ordering fancy cocktails (yep, I know there's a thread on that), but when ordering bottles of wine, you certainly don't need to pay 20% on hundreds of dollars of wine. 

[Blonde Lawyer]

I only do the "split evenly" thing if it looks like we all spent around the same amount.  If it is $5 off or so, I'll tell that person not to tip and the rest of us to tip extra to cover the difference (so the server gets the same tip). Separate checks is definitely easier.

[mskyle]

Yeah, people will do this. It's super-annoying! If you speak up, some people will think you're cheap. You have to decide whether it's worth it - I usually let it go if it's a group I don't hang out with often but if it's people I'm more friendly with I will speak up. Or I *did* in my younger days... it doesn't seem to happen as much any more,  though I did have an incident recently involving "birthday drinks," the biggest shakedown of all! Never go out for "birthday drinks" unless you are the birthday person.

[cpa cat]

It's only awkward if someone makes it awkward.

It's least awkward to just address it to the server.

If you forgot to tell the server that you'll have separate bills from the outset (thus informing the whole table), do it when they ask if you're ready for the bill - speak up and say, "We'd like to split it please."

If the server drops off a bill without asking, stop them and say, "Oh, sorry, can we have this split?"

I do not normally suggest appetizers unless I'm willing to pay for the whole thing (simply because it can create bill-splitting confusion, otherwise).

So, I say, "We'll be splitting the bill. You can put the app on my bill."

Sometimes when someone else ordered it, the app can be awkward - you can choose between asking the server to divide the app cost in half, or just tell her to put it on their bill and inform them that you'll give them cash.

I generally prefer to address this without consulting the table - I don't need their permission to split the bill, and it avoids anyone saying something weird (because it's weird to respond with anything other than "Let's pay for our own food." - unless someone is generous and wants to treat the table) I've never been to a restaurant where the server didn't know who ordered what and wasn't able to handle splitting the bill without much input.

[sisto]

We almost always do separate checks because of this, learned that years ago.

[AZDude]

You paid more than your fair share, no worries.

[2Birds1Stone]

I always ask for a separate check when I begin ordering my food. Its never awkward. Ever.

[phillyvalue]

These days when most people have an app like Venmo, this doesnt have to be an issue. One person pays the whole bill and then everyone reimburses them for what they ordered multiplied by tax and tip.

[Mr.GrowingMustache]

I will be faced with this situation tomorrow... a friends birthday, do we will all probably split the bill, even if I order a $10-16 entree we will probably end up paying $40 a person. I don't mind end up paying for the birthday person but it ends up paying for others drinks and stuff.

[fattest_foot]

Been there too many times.  I've learned to say "separate checks please" when the the orders are taken.    Wait staff seem to appreciate knowing from the start that separate checks are required, rather than having to redo everything at the end.   And the people that want to have multiple cocktails on someone else's dime know that's not going to happen.

I've found that this is a regional thing. I grew up on the east coast US, and the moved to the south/midwest. It seems like in those areas, separate is almost automatic. New England and California though? Unless you ask at the beginning, the servers will generally act annoyed at your request. It's very strange to me.

[GizmoTX]

These days when most people have an app like Venmo, this doesnt have to be an issue. One person pays the whole bill and then everyone reimburses them for what they ordered multiplied by tax and tip.

Venmo has some security problems. http://www.slate.com/articles/technology/safety_net/2015/02/venmo_security_it_s_not_as_strong_as_the_company_wants_you_to_think.html

Splitwise is an app that allows logging each person's share, but doesn't connect to any banks. It easily informs everyone with a balance of what it is & how it got there.

Nooch is a new app that does what Venmo does, only with more security & support. It currently has a $100 limit per transaction.

I never tip on the tax amount -- neither the government or the server deserves any part of this. Nor do I tip on the full amount of wine or other alcoholic (heavily taxed) items. 

[Jules13]

Ha.  There is a 'Friends' episode about this very thing.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I53n7ldcSGo&list=RDI53n7ldcSGo#t=125

Personally, I think the splitting it evenly is stupid, unless everyone ordered the same thing, and would never be so obtuse not to notice that someone ends up overpaying compared to others.

[RetiredAt63]

I think separate bills are definitely an Ontario/Quebec thing.  For a group, servers almost always ask if it is separate checks.  For a group of 2-3, the server asks about 50% of the time, and in a smaller group it is easy to say separate bills as you order if the server didn't ask.  The only time I usually don't get asked is when my DD and I are out, then often they think I am treating her.

[aschmidt2930]

Been there too many times.  I've learned to say "separate checks please" when the the orders are taken.    Wait staff seem to appreciate knowing from the start that separate checks are required, rather than having to redo everything at the end.   And the people that want to have multiple cocktails on someone else's dime know that's not going to happen.

I've found that this is a regional thing. I grew up on the east coast US, and the moved to the south/midwest. It seems like in those areas, separate is almost automatic. New England and California though? Unless you ask at the beginning, the servers will generally act annoyed at your request. It's very strange to me.

This is spot on. I've lived in the midwest, south, and west coast and spent significant time on the east coast.  No idea why, but the expectations are completely different.  In the mid west, it's very rare for a server to bring you one check for a table of more than two people.  A little more common in the south, but fairly similar in my experience.  Either coast though? Get it tattooed on your forehead and it's still 50-50.

[Ynari]

I had a messy issue once...  in college, the dorm resident heads took a group of like 20 students out to a nice-ish restaurant. It was supposed to be "subsidized" by the dorm. No one mentioned the pay system at the beginning, so I ordered a small thing and was flabbergasted when, split evenly, the individual post-subsidy amount came to $25/person. I asked if we could just pay for what we ordered, the RHs complied, but I think they ended up just footing some of the bill because people can't add/multiply or somebody forgot who ordered what shared dish.  Overall, a huge mess, and I think a mistake in organizing (For instance, if cost sharing were the way to go, it would have been much more pleasant if they'd taken $X from everyone upfront and ordered for the group after a quick survey on dietary needs and preferences.)

I like splitting the check in situations where everyone ordered their own entree. In "family style" set ups, I don't mind splitting the main cost of the food (except alcohol) even if I know I ate less than everyone else, but family style tends to be cheaper anyway so it's not a big sticker shock.

[tooqk4u22]

You paid more than your fair share, no worries.

Not really, at best he paid his fair share. 


I am mixed on this post because I completely don't want to pay for someone's $50 steak and wine when all I got was a salad but when it in a group setting it I find it somewhat customary but it really depends.  If I am with a group of work/professional acquintances then I just split it, but I would also be far more selective/strategic in attending such meals.

When I am with closer friends then pay as you go is more normal/acceptable because afterall you know each other well and what not, but I find that more often than not when I am with friends we all are generally in the same range of what we order and if the difference isn't huge then who cares as it usually balances out the next time I am with them (sometimes I have the steak and they have the salad) - I focus more on the time spent with friends. 

Sidenote - I tend to find that there are some people who complain about getting shafted in these split situations tend to restrict themselves when ordering to save money/being cheap/whatever as opposed to ordering the "steak and wine" like everyone else.....I mean really if the invite is for the group to go to a nice "steak and wine" dinner then you should be prepared for a steak and wine tab.

[snogirl]

Congrats for setting a healthy boundary and taking care of your bill.
If people get upset about it, oh well, sometimes taking care of yourself will ruffle some feathers.
Been there done that, tired of worrying about what other people think, & just pay my fair share.
If it is a special birthday, retirement, anniversary event, I am more open to paying more.

[boarder42]

where do you guys live that separate checks arent the norm.

[Chris22]

It's situational.  If you're out with close friends with similar tastes, it's likely that over time it will even out.  Sometimes you over pay, sometimes you under pay.  Doesn't really matter.  If you don't have similar tastes, then either stop going out with them, accept you'll over pay, or suggest somewhere cheaper.  I once went out with three other guys in college, it was a lunch at the beginning of a weekend trip (so many more communal meals to come).  We got a pizza, and 2 of us ordered a beer, 2 ordered a soda.  Bill was $16.  With a $4 tip, that's $5 ea.  Simple.  One of the soda drinkers said "Hey, I only got a soda, I'm only going to throw in $4."  This was 15 years ago.  I still remember him as being a cheap bastard just for that one experience.  Come on.

If it's a business setting, you should figure out a way to expense it to the business, otherwise someone isn't doing their job ;)

[partgypsy]

For lunch when going out with coworkers, all the places around here assume separate checks. If where you go doesn't just let the server know ahead of time, avoids awkward situation in the first place. If I order an app I usually just pay for the whole thing since I don't know how much or how little other pple are going to eat, or if they are eating it out of guilt. 

[asauer]

I don't split checks- I just don't.  I always order WAY less than everyone else due to budgeting.  On the odd occasion that someone suggests we split equally, I say "unfortunately that will put me overbudget" and ask the server for a separate check.

[Prairie Stash]

It's situational.  If you're out with close friends with similar tastes, it's likely that over time it will even out.  Sometimes you over pay, sometimes you under pay.  Doesn't really matter.  If you don't have similar tastes, then either stop going out with them, accept you'll over pay, or suggest somewhere cheaper.  I once went out with three other guys in college, it was a lunch at the beginning of a weekend trip (so many more communal meals to come).  We got a pizza, and 2 of us ordered a beer, 2 ordered a soda.  Bill was $16.  With a $4 tip, that's $5 ea.  Simple.  One of the soda drinkers said "Hey, I only got a soda, I'm only going to throw in $4."  This was 15 years ago.  I still remember him as being a cheap bastard just for that one experience.  Come on.

If it's a business setting, you should figure out a way to expense it to the business, otherwise someone isn't doing their job ;)

Isn't it cheap to recall being out a dollar after 15 years? It sounds petty to bring it up after this long.

In general I didn't think most people remember if a bill is split or if its separate checks. If people are fixated on you for wanting a separate bill then it's their problem, do what you consider appropriate and at all times be prepared to pay your own way. There's absolutely nothing worse than a freeloader counting on the split bill to cover their share so I assume everyone is always ready to pay their own bill.  Far too often the freeloader is the one with the poor math skills divvying up the bill. It's not that hard to figure out individual tally's after all if people ordered wildly differently priced meals.

[dandarc]

where do you guys live that separate checks arent the norm.

+1 - sometimes they even ask if we want separate checks even when I'm out with my wife and no one else.

[wtjbatman]

where do you guys live that separate checks arent the norm.

+1 - sometimes they even ask if we want separate checks even when I'm out with my wife and no one else.

I was going to say that. Sure, sometimes they ask when it's just me and the wife, but if it's any sort of mixed group the assumption should be (and always is here) bills are separate.

I know a lot of people here are introverts, but listen up guys and gals, if you can manage this one thing I swear it will solve all the issues with who pays what. When your server asks for your order, preface it by telling them you will be on a separate bill. Boom problem solved. You're welcome.

[Merrie]

It shouldn't be awkward. Maybe it is a regional thing. I'm Midwestern and it's pretty standard around here.

I do remember one time out with a church group on a trip to New Orleans, we ended up at this (horribly hot, overpriced, not particularly tasty or polite) restaurant that refused to split the check. There were 10 of us. 2 or 3 ladies spent at least 20 minutes wrangling over how it was fair to split the check. 20 minutes! I mean, I get that you have to split the tax and the tip, but it's not THAT hard, and all the rest of us couldn't get them to just lighten up and pay something and get on with our day. Also this was an open-air restaurant and it was June, so it was 95 degrees and 95 percent humidity, which did not make this extended wrangling any more pleasant.

[Alchemilla]

I have never heard of this being on offer here in England.

[Sofa King]

I think we only make it awkward for ourselves. 

I concur!  I have ZERO problem saying "sorry I am only paying for what I ordered". 

[Midwest]

In my mind, I would have felt responsible for the full cost of the appetizer and my meal plus tip at a minimum.  When I suggest an appetizer (rarely do), it goes on my bill.  If someone else orders one and I eat some of it, I attempt to help pay for it or pick up a round.

We typically have separate checks around here, but I'd rather occasionally overpay than come off as cheap.  My friends don't take advantage so it's never been an issue.

Midwest

[boarder42]

i wonder how much of this is generational.  i'd like to see a break out of which generations typically fall into this trap.  B/c everytime i go out with other millenials its ALWAYS expected that we will each pay for what we ordered.  no take the check and divide it by3 b/c there are 3 of us ...

[RetiredAt63]

I think it is more geography.  I am definitely not a millenial, and the norm is separate checks.  If it looks like it might be a group check, I specify that it is separate.  I tend to just eat a main course, and since others may be ordering appetizers and desserts, not to mention a lot more alcohol, I am not planning to pay for their splurge.  But I am on this forum  ;-) 

And if I am the one splurging, yes I expect to pay for it.

Part is circumstances - if I suggested dinner out to DD while she was a student, I paid for her.  Now that she is working full time, if I suggest dinner I will also tell her if I plan to pay or if it is "dutch", and give her lots of choices - mid-price, cheap, or just we get a chance to visit over a coffee.

i wonder how much of this is generational.  i'd like to see a break out of which generations typically fall into this trap.  B/c everytime i go out with other millenials its ALWAYS expected that we will each pay for what we ordered.  no take the check and divide it by3 b/c there are 3 of us ...

[Megma]

I wouldn't worry too much about it. I also try to ask for separate checks if possible.

Once, when I was studying abroad, we all went out to a pub for dinner - about 10 people. The professor wanted to split the bill and almost didn't allow me to. I had gotten basically the cheapest thing on the menu because I didn't really have any money, and the rest of the party had gone through several glasses of wine, etc. Thankfully, a couple of the other students sided with me and the professor finally did it. Awkward.

This totally happened to me too! In grad school on a study trip the professor wanted to split a check evenly! I was broke, as were many of the others but him and several of the spendy students had ordered multiple glasses of wine, grappa, espresso, multiple courses whereas a few people there did not drink at all and ordered only a small pasta (this was in Italy).

I was like oh hell no. A few of my shy and nondrinking classmates looked very appreciative when I spoke up.

This same professor later "abandoned" our group in Italy due to an "emergency"....we were glad to see him go.

[MakingSenseofCents]

Like another person said, I'm glad I live in an area where splitting a check equally has never come up - not even once. Everything is always just separated!

I would have felt the same way as you. That's a tough situation.

[DrSweden]

In most places in Sweden that is not a problem. I just tell them what I ordered and pay for it. They can just mark it up in their computer. We don't tip in sweden either.

[Mrs. Crackin' the Whip]

We don't go out to eat often but I don't like splitting the bill either!  When you go out immediately ask for a separate.  If anyone calls you out on it (which I doubt), tell them you don't carry cash.  Not carrying cash is not uncommon at all these days :)

[BrandonP]

Something like this happened to me several years ago. I just got a starter, because I had already eaten. Of course, everyone else order starters and mains. My cost was at least half the price of other peoples bills. But this one girl said lets split the bill. I didn't say anything at the time due to being polite I guess. But it definitely irked me. Since then, if I order considerably less, I will not have the bill split. Why should I be paying for your extra food. I don't feel bad about it either. I've also noticed the person who says lets split the bill is the one with the most expensive bill!

[BrandonP]

It's situational.  If you're out with close friends with similar tastes, it's likely that over time it will even out.  Sometimes you over pay, sometimes you under pay.  Doesn't really matter.  If you don't have similar tastes, then either stop going out with them, accept you'll over pay, or suggest somewhere cheaper.  I once went out with three other guys in college, it was a lunch at the beginning of a weekend trip (so many more communal meals to come).  We got a pizza, and 2 of us ordered a beer, 2 ordered a soda.  Bill was $16.  With a $4 tip, that's $5 ea.  Simple.  One of the soda drinkers said "Hey, I only got a soda, I'm only going to throw in $4."  This was 15 years ago.  I still remember him as being a cheap bastard just for that one experience.  Come on.

If it's a business setting, you should figure out a way to expense it to the business, otherwise someone isn't doing their job ;)

Yeah what a cheap bastard for paying his own way!

[firewalker]

Remember on SNL, about 400 years ago, when Father Guido Sarducci found that the Vatican had discovered the bill from "The Last Brunch." It was noted that the bill was split and only Judas ordered the extra poached egg on toast.

[lizzzi]

At the time of ordering, just tell the server you need separate checks, as several here have already stated. Very routine, nothing unusual about it. Easy peasy. This has worked fine for me this year in the province of Quebec in Canada, and in the mid-Atlantic and midwestern areas of the U.S. Multiple restaurants.

The only time I split a bill is if I'm with only one other person, and we eat and drink almost identically. That doesn't happen often. So much easier just to have your own check, pay for what you ate and drank, tip whatever you want...no worries.

[oldladystache]

i wonder how much of this is generational.  i'd like to see a break out of which generations typically fall into this trap.  B/c everytime i go out with other millenials its ALWAYS expected that we will each pay for what we ordered.  no take the check and divide it by3 b/c there are 3 of us ...

My friends are women ranging from 50 to 65. We normally get one check and someone pays it and we all give her what we believe is our fair share. Last time I paid it for 5 of us I discovered I had several dollars extra when I was done.

[Goldielocks]

For a group situation I would have split the bill this way (unless you start whispering to your friend about the appy which is more awkwardness).

1.  Your meal + appy + taxes + tip you would normally give + $2.  e.g., I would have added in another $8.   The point is to make good feelings with your social group, not to nitpick every dollar.

This way no one would feel slighted in the least, and you made the person holding the bill's life much easier.   We used to do this for work, and everyone would throw in money, and there was always WAY too much thrown in, and that overage would start the next time's round of drinks or an appetizer...

Other ways:
2. Ask for separate cheques up front, and arrive early to be the first one to do so.
3. Leave early (or under guise of restroom break), and give wait staff your $ contribution, so when the bill comes it is already taken off (you can therefore still pay with a card to a $ amount).  Again, be generous with rounding up!!.  It will still be less than an "even split"... Now you can say "Oh, I already paid up..."
4. Arrive early.  Stay for drinks and a shared appetizer, throw cash on table for your part, and leave before the dinner arrives, after socializing for an hour.

[lizzzi]

I'm a Babyboomer, age 65. I've frequently in the past paid the bill with a group of friends as oldladystache describes, and it can work when everybody has cash in a variety of denominations and knows each other well...when all are used to doing this. I've become more comfortable with separate checks, though, as I posted above--especially if you are not as close to all the people you are eating with...and if people are ordering all sorts of different things. Also, I don't carry as much cash as I used to...prefer to use my credit card to get airline miles.

(I was not comfortable saying "oldladystache." Sounded disrespectful. I like "wiseladystache" better...bet it's true, too. )

[Meowkins]

I went out to brunch with friends the other week and had an awkward moment...

I ordered a $9 main course and when it was just me and one other person (the others were running late) I suggested we order a $12 appetizer to share with everyone (total of six), and this friend agreed that was a good idea. Everyone did end up sharing the appetizer, for what it's worth.

The bill comes, and someone else quickly calculated tip and that it would be $40 split six ways...yeah O.o (Everyone else ordered a more expensive main and had fancy drinks). $40 is over 10% of our total usual food spending in a month, just for context. I asked if we could maybe just pay for what we ordered, and the friend who calculated the $40 was all "Sure, yeah," but then added something like "Put in your bit, then I'll split the rest."  -- This is weird, right? I felt super awkward and wasn't sure what to do...I ended up putting in $20, figuring $9 + $6 (half of the appetizer, as I figured I was half responsible for it) = $15, plus $5 for tip and tax

Did I commit a social faux pas? Should I have put in more? Should I have just paid the $40 and shut up? My SO and I have tech jobs (just like all the friends present), and we clearly *could* afford it, but at the same time...$40 for brunch???

What say you?

I would say that it's a social faux pas in a lot of circles, but the desire to avoid social faux pas and gain standing has fueled a lot of our society's crazy spending. So I say, power to you!

I also say this as someone who personally struggles with it. It feels yucky. Good for you for holding your ground. I think it helps when your friends know why you're being more frugal (ie, have financial goals or something), but I don't know how close to these folks you are.