Single Parents on the Mustachian Journey?

[ETBen]

mxt0133, I'm a total Love and Logic convert.

I'm not a big fan of parenting books. However my 6 & 8 year old were unmanageable after coming out of our bad home life and into so much change. As a couple, we didn't really parent and it was a high stress home. Great kids but they had no expectations for behavior.

Total change. Maybe 2-3 bad weeks as they adjusted. Terrible tantrums but it would suddenly stop and they would go make a choice and be perfectly fine after. Plenty of work on my part to learn how to reframe what I say. Like, seriously, it was a ridiculous amount of thinking at times Bc I didn't know how to respond the right way. But now they make choices, they make the right ones even without one of the choices being too much of a consequence. Their behavior is moderate and they are clearly less anxious and more confident.

[mxt0133]

@ETBen - It's amazing to see what kids are capable of when we actually let them make their own decisions.  It took a while for me to let go and stop dictating to them what they should be doing and how to act.  I am learning all this as I go as well.

[calimom]

I've been a single parent since my husband died (car crash) when our youngest was just a year old.  She's now 9, so I've had time to develop my single mom mojo.  Some days are pretty successful; others are simply an exercise in multiple displays of plate spinning.  My life is a lot more manageable now that my kids are older and more self sufficient, the early years were pretty damn tough with running from day care to elementary to high school to work and lather, rinse, repeat.

My eldest (actually my husband's daughter from his first marriage) is pretty well launched into young adulthood.  She graduated from art school last year and lives independently with 3 part time jobs.  I still have her on our health plan - thank you ACA, and pay her cell phone.  The kids have always had chores and responsibilities, most especially taking care of their own personal "stuff" and helping with basic home upkeep.  We live on 2.5 acres and have a vegetable garden in the summer, pets, so there's always a lot to do.  I tease them along with this with lots of "carrots", which include screen time and then something fun each weekend, like a movie with friends, pizza, etc.  My youngest two are currently involved in swim team (DS) and horseback lessons (DD).  Never is there more than one organized activity at one time, and they go to a variety of day camps/sleepover camps each summer.

My finances are in decent shape, thanks to the small life insurance I received, and the Social Security Survivors' benefits my children are eligible for.  I own a small business, and have ventured into a duplex rental with my cousins.  We've also done a couple of real estate flips, the last of which I parlayed into a very small commercial space for my little company.

This thread is helpful, I like hearing how other single parents are managing in a variety of circumstances.  I've worked really hard at controlling spending, developing reasonable (admittedly not perfect) saving patterns and looking toward the future.  At 39, I won't be retiring any time remotely soon, but hopefully will be well before the American norm of 65 or so.

Sending support to everyone else out there whether you're new to your single parent gig or a grizzled veteran of the trenches like me :)

[snacky]

Today is one of those days when I would really, really love to not be doing this alone.

I've been sick for more than a month, and it's still going strong. So I've used up all my sick time and am toughing it out at work. This morning my 10 year old had a fever, couldn't talk, kept coughing. I've already been warned about missing too much work. So I left him home alone.

He's been home alone for an hour, when the neighbours were home and knew to listen for him. this time no one is around. Plus the age at which it's legal to do this is 12, so if anyone official finds out I could have a real problem. What else could I have done? He's a responsible kid and I'm sure he'll be fine, but I feel like such a shitty parent.

Also we have no home phone, so if there's an emergency all he can do is email me.

Researching cheap prepaid phones now.

[FiguringItOut]

Today is one of those days when I would really, really love to not be doing this alone.

I've been sick for more than a month, and it's still going strong. So I've used up all my sick time and am toughing it out at work. This morning my 10 year old had a fever, couldn't talk, kept coughing. I've already been warned about missing too much work. So I left him home alone.

He's been home alone for an hour, when the neighbours were home and knew to listen for him. this time no one is around. Plus the age at which it's legal to do this is 12, so if anyone official finds out I could have a real problem. What else could I have done? He's a responsible kid and I'm sure he'll be fine, but I feel like such a shitty parent.

Also we have no home phone, so if there's an emergency all he can do is email me.

Researching cheap prepaid phones now.

I'm sorry to hear this and I hope you feel better really soon.

As for kids left alone, I think we've all been there one time or another.
My kids are 11 and 13.  They are home alone every day once they come home from school and until I get home from work.  Usually, I'm home around 6-6:30pm, but right now is my work busy time, so I'm rarely home before 9, some days as late as 10:30. 

It sucks, but what can we do.  My kids are used to being alone though.  The bad thing for me, is that they don't interact with each other at all.  No brotherly love there whatsoever.  So they are really alone, although there are two of them at home. 

Have you considered maybe getting a cheap prepaid phone for use at home in case there is an emergency and he needs to call you or 911?  This alone may give you a lot of piece of mind.
Best of luck to you.

[Prodigal Daughter]

Snacky - I'm so sorry about your predicament. My two kids will be 10 next month and I've started leaving them home alone for a half hour to an hour at a time, usually to get groceries or run to the post office. We also don't have a home phone, but they do have iPods so they can Facetime me. I do wish they had the ability to call 911. I figure once I start testing longer stretches of time, I'll have to add a second line to my phone plan. It isn't exactly the law here that 12 is the age you can leave kids alone, but it seems to be the standard. There's no exact age, but the law is something like if a kid ends up in trouble alone at any age, you can be charged with child endangerment.

I'm wishing for you a speedy recovery, for both you and your son. Are you able to check in on him during a lunch period or anything?

[Gin1984]

Today is one of those days when I would really, really love to not be doing this alone.

I've been sick for more than a month, and it's still going strong. So I've used up all my sick time and am toughing it out at work. This morning my 10 year old had a fever, couldn't talk, kept coughing. I've already been warned about missing too much work. So I left him home alone.

He's been home alone for an hour, when the neighbours were home and knew to listen for him. this time no one is around. Plus the age at which it's legal to do this is 12, so if anyone official finds out I could have a real problem. What else could I have done? He's a responsible kid and I'm sure he'll be fine, but I feel like such a shitty parent.

Also we have no home phone, so if there's an emergency all he can do is email me.

Researching cheap prepaid phones now.

Snacky, I was a latch key kid to a single mom.  I started staying home after school (and when sick) in 6th grade, which 10.  Yes, I'd agree getting a pre-paid phone (like ting if you already have it) or a landline, but you are not a shitty parent.  Even sick I liked being home and in the eight years I stayed home, only once was there an issue (a stranger lurking outside the next door church) but nothing bad happened.  I think we have gone way too overprotective of our children in this generation, for very little reason.  He'll be ok.  And again, you are not a shitty parent.

[SteveRyeCurd]

With Airvoice Wireless (which is compatible with GSM phones), you can buy 100 minutes for $10, and the minutes don't expire for 90 days.  So, effectively it's $3.33 per month to have some emergency minutes.  A cheap GSM unlocked phone is probably around $30 (just guessing).

https://www.airvoicewireless.com/PlansB.aspx

[mxt0133]

@snacky - Looking around for cheap prepaid plans t seems like TracFone would be the cheapest @60 minutes for 90 days which works out to about $80 a year.  I'm sure you can get a standard flip phone for under $30 used.  The thing is if you don't use it often, it might be out of battery or you might forget to load it when you really need it.  If your son is 10, do you think he is responsible enough to have a phone?  That way he can text you and call you any time, plus he'll learn to be responsible for the phone.  But get a cheap one because he might loose it in the first few months.

You say you don't have a land line, but do you have a computer with a mic and internet?  You can use google voice or Skype to make calls just like a land line through the internet.  You can even hook up a traditional phone that uses VOIP with a google number.

http://www.obitalk.com/info/googlevoice

[SteveRyeCurd]

The thing is if you don't use it often, it might be out of battery or you might forget to load it when you really need it

What I do to deal with those issues:
1. Keep in on a charger all the time.
2. Set a Google Calendar reminder that repeats about every 85 days, reminding me to refill the minutes.

[mxt0133]

The thing is if you don't use it often, it might be out of battery or you might forget to load it when you really need it

What I do to deal with those issues:
1. Keep in on a charger all the time.
2. Set a Google Calendar reminder that repeats about every 85 days, reminding me to refill the minutes.

Good points.  Alternatively you could just as easily plug it in and use it while it's charging.

[Dee18]

For calls to 911, you can use any cell phone that is charged.  You do not need to pay for service of any kind.  Just get an old phone from someone and leave it plugged in, or regularly charge it and teach your child about 911.  When I was a latchkey kid, my mother arranged with two SAHM neighbors that I could go to them if I ever needed to.  I never did need to, but it made me feel better to have that possibility.

[SingleMomDebt]

I have a cable phoneline at $10/m for the cause of DD being home after school. Definitely a peace of mind.

[Vixine]

Hi! I'm a single mom too, I'm 40 and my son is 4 and still in preschool for another year. I am just starting out on this journey, and I have a lot of debt, mostly student loans from graduate school. I have to pay off debt, then save aggressively. I've been making some big changes this year.

I will say that this is actually going to be WAY easier single than it was when I was married! Because my husband was a selfish spender, I could never get us on any common goals, every time there was extra money, he found something that he HAD TO HAVE for work (photographer). So, screw him... even though I'm on one income now, I have total control over what I'm doing with it. I do hope to get married again someday, or at least have a partnership with someone, but next time around I'll be with someone who has shared values including financial ones!

Good luck to all, thanks for starting this thread!

[snacky]

thanks for all the support, folks. not long after I posted my other son's school called and I had to go get him. he said he was sick, but was acting fine... I suspect he hated the thought of his brother being home with video games while he was at school. :/  at that point, of course, I had to take the day and go home. this is bad for my continued employment, but I don't have a lot of options.

regarding the phone, I put out a request on facebook for an old, unused phone, and someone offered me one. I'll get a SIM at 7-11 and get an extra phone. All of your suggestions are great, but not all that useful in Canada. Either way, I will now work out an affordable solution before this happens again.

[SuperSecretName]

I have a strict rule with the kids that for them to stay home they either 1) have to be throwing up 2) have a fever above 100.  Anything other than that, and they need to suck it up.  I'll send them to school with medicine in their lunch.  They know they aren't supposed to do that, so they have to take it on the sly.  They understand that though.

It does make for some angry kids when they aren't feeling 100%, but shoot, life has to go on.  I can't be taking off work for minor illnesses.

[OmahaSteph]

thanks for all the support, folks. not long after I posted my other son's school called and I had to go get him. he said he was sick, but was acting fine... I suspect he hated the thought of his brother being home with video games while he was at school. :/  at that point, of course, I had to take the day and go home. this is bad for my continued employment, but I don't have a lot of options.

regarding the phone, I put out a request on facebook for an old, unused phone, and someone offered me one. I'll get a SIM at 7-11 and get an extra phone. All of your suggestions are great, but not all that useful in Canada. Either way, I will now work out an affordable solution before this happens again.

Wow, I'm glad you got part of the equation figured out. I take it their dad isn't an option of any sort? In a way that's good. He can't give you crap about leaving them home alone if he isn't willing/able to pick up the slack.

[JenniOG2004]

I am a divorced mom who tries to be mustachian.  I do it more so we don't have to be stressed out as a family, I am not sure if I will get to retire early, but I am able to make a quite comfortable lifestyle for us on a low income and I don't have to work very hard. I have lots of free time and we don't feel rushed most evenings.

We moved to a low cost of living area near family after my divorce, and even though I sometimes dislike the "culture" of my environment, the benefits of having family help far outweigh the negatives of not being in a fun city. I also found that even if I made 3x as much in a city, I wouldn't be able to make it financially if I had to pay for child care, etc. and be totally alone.

[Prodigal Daughter]

Snacky - I'm glad you got a phone the kids can use when they are home alone. Hopefully you get through cold and flu season soon.

Off topic - I've been super frugal lately and really proud of myself. I've really stuck to making meals at home and bringing my coffee and lunch to work...even last night after work I was exhausted and just wanted to grab takeout, but I went ahead with making dinner at home.( Then I enjoyed a nice drink and some alone time after the kids helped with dishes.) I haven't done frivolous shopping, and I'm meeting a lady tonight or this weekend to pick up a used microwave. (Mine died a few weeks ago.) I'm feeling really good about it. And suddenly also feeling slightly like an outsider. Which I guess is ok, but I'm listening to other conversations at work about money and they are super eye opening.

A woman who is new to our department I really really like. But she's very forceful with her opinion so when I hear her giving financial advice that is bad, I just cringe. I try to counter with other advice, but she'll talk over me. For instance, the woman across the hall from me (let's call her C) was looking to buy a used car and put down about half in cash and finance the other half and pay it off rather quickly. But new person was saying "just ask how much more per month it would be for a new car. When we were looking for a used car, it was only $18 more per month for new and the interest rate was lower!" And I said "Well, C wants to pay it off quickly, if she sticks to her budget of paying half and getting a loan for the other half, she'll be done in no time."  But to the new person it was about that $18 per month and 1.9% financing instead of of 3.something%, despite adding two years of payments to the loan for a total of five years instead of three...which is obviously thousands more in total.

Anyway - luckily C stuck with her original plan, and she seems to be fairly level headed about money, but there have also been conversations lately about house buying, apartment renting, concert tickets, shopping, etc across the whole department and I'm sitting here thinking about how I'm picking up a used, free, microwave and everybody else would probably think I'm crazy. Why not just go to the store and buy a new one? (Heck, a year ago I would think I'm crazy too. What a journey.)

[OmahaSteph]

Off topic - I've been super frugal lately and really proud of myself. I've really stuck to making meals at home and bringing my coffee and lunch to work...even last night after work I was exhausted and just wanted to grab takeout, but I went ahead with making dinner at home.( Then I enjoyed a nice drink and some alone time after the kids helped with dishes.) I haven't done frivolous shopping, and I'm meeting a lady tonight or this weekend to pick up a used microwave. (Mine died a few weeks ago.) I'm feeling really good about it. And suddenly also feeling slightly like an outsider. Which I guess is ok, but I'm listening to other conversations at work about money and they are super eye opening.

A woman who is new to our department I really really like. But she's very forceful with her opinion so when I hear her giving financial advice that is bad, I just cringe. I try to counter with other advice, but she'll talk over me. For instance, the woman across the hall from me (let's call her C) was looking to buy a used car and put down about half in cash and finance the other half and pay it off rather quickly. But new person was saying "just ask how much more per month it would be for a new car. When we were looking for a used car, it was only $18 more per month for new and the interest rate was lower!" And I said "Well, C wants to pay it off quickly, if she sticks to her budget of paying half and getting a loan for the other half, she'll be done in no time."  But to the new person it was about that $18 per month and 1.9% financing instead of of 3.something%, despite adding two years of payments to the loan for a total of five years instead of three...which is obviously thousands more in total.

Anyway - luckily C stuck with her original plan, and she seems to be fairly level headed about money, but there have also been conversations lately about house buying, apartment renting, concert tickets, shopping, etc across the whole department and I'm sitting here thinking about how I'm picking up a used, free, microwave and everybody else would probably think I'm crazy. Why not just go to the store and buy a new one? (Heck, a year ago I would think I'm crazy too. What a journey.)

Ohhhh, you're one of us now!!! Muah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

[Prodigal Daughter]

Off topic - I've been super frugal lately and really proud of myself. I've really stuck to making meals at home and bringing my coffee and lunch to work...even last night after work I was exhausted and just wanted to grab takeout, but I went ahead with making dinner at home.( Then I enjoyed a nice drink and some alone time after the kids helped with dishes.) I haven't done frivolous shopping, and I'm meeting a lady tonight or this weekend to pick up a used microwave. (Mine died a few weeks ago.) I'm feeling really good about it. And suddenly also feeling slightly like an outsider. Which I guess is ok, but I'm listening to other conversations at work about money and they are super eye opening.

A woman who is new to our department I really really like. But she's very forceful with her opinion so when I hear her giving financial advice that is bad, I just cringe. I try to counter with other advice, but she'll talk over me. For instance, the woman across the hall from me (let's call her C) was looking to buy a used car and put down about half in cash and finance the other half and pay it off rather quickly. But new person was saying "just ask how much more per month it would be for a new car. When we were looking for a used car, it was only $18 more per month for new and the interest rate was lower!" And I said "Well, C wants to pay it off quickly, if she sticks to her budget of paying half and getting a loan for the other half, she'll be done in no time."  But to the new person it was about that $18 per month and 1.9% financing instead of of 3.something%, despite adding two years of payments to the loan for a total of five years instead of three...which is obviously thousands more in total.

Anyway - luckily C stuck with her original plan, and she seems to be fairly level headed about money, but there have also been conversations lately about house buying, apartment renting, concert tickets, shopping, etc across the whole department and I'm sitting here thinking about how I'm picking up a used, free, microwave and everybody else would probably think I'm crazy. Why not just go to the store and buy a new one? (Heck, a year ago I would think I'm crazy too. What a journey.)

Ohhhh, you're one of us now!!! Muah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

Striving to be, anyway! :)

[MightyJo]

Hi!
I am a single mom too with a 10 year old daughter. Been living on my own for 3 years and I thought my daughter's father and I had the best co-parenting relationship until I had to take him to court since we had nothing in writing and lots of drama from his end which made me question the safety of my daughter. I settled out of court a couple weeks ago with $10K in legal fees all on my credit card and added to a personal loan. It been a fun year :|  I purchased a house last year before the drama but I have no savings should something go wrong. I'm trying to pay off my debt and find a new normal.

It is good to meet you all!