Single Parents

[overwhelmed]

Disclaimer: I did find a thread for single parents but there was no activity for almost a year so I thought it might be nice to see how many of us are here.

Hoping to find other single parents who are juggling raising children and working on their personal FIRE plans.

I have been a single parent for a little over 6 years now with a child in college and a child in high school. For many years, I really never paid close attention to my finances and made some interesting (aka not great) decisions both when I was married as well as on my own. I also fall into the 'not young' single parent realm as well, will be turning 50 in a few months.

Thankfully, after finding MMM last March, I started doing better (aka - still enormous room for improvement). I have always contributed to a 401k although at different percentages through the years, so while I am not there yet, I am on the path.

I find one of my biggest struggles is landing on what my yearly # is going to be since my budget (for the last 2 decades) has included kid categories. I found that the expenses don't stop they just change names (when daycare expense ends suddenly you have after-care or camps, sports/activites etc.)

While I can remove some categories, other categories seem more elusive. Things like car insurance (currently with 2 permitted drivers), just how much food my teenage son eats and even the electric bill since he has all sorts of energy using stuff. Since there are still a bunch of things I don't know for sure, I decided to guesstimate higher for now & will re-adjust in a few years.

 Any other single parents out there looking for support?

[aceyou]

Not a single parent, but a public teacher who works with lots of single parents, and I do have a 4 and 1 year old of my own.  First I want to say that teaching and parenting has given me an ENORMOUS appreciation for all that single parents do.  So thanks for working so hard and being awesome, because you are.  Single parents are like superheroes for all they do. 

One thing I've seen a lot on this website is the idea that once your kids are adults, you really need to put your finances above theirs.  The best gift you can give them is ensuring that as you get older, you will be able to take care of yourself financially.  That's more helpful for your children than even paying for their education IMO. 

My answer to your question about what expenses to budget in coming years would be to cut out most everything once your high-schooler graduates, unless you really WANT to provide it.  Once you've achieved FI for your OWN expenses, you'll have done your kids a huge favor (and yourself). 

[overwhelmed]

Not a single parent, but a public teacher who works with lots of single parents, and I do have a 4 and 1 year old of my own.  First I want to say that teaching and parenting has given me an ENORMOUS appreciation for all that single parents do.  So thanks for working so hard and being awesome, because you are.  Single parents are like superheroes for all they do. 

One thing I've seen a lot on this website is the idea that once your kids are adults, you really need to put your finances above theirs.  The best gift you can give them is ensuring that as you get older, you will be able to take care of yourself financially.  That's more helpful for your children than even paying for their education IMO. 

My answer to your question about what expenses to budget in coming years would be to cut out most everything once your high-schooler graduates, unless you really WANT to provide it.  Once you've achieved FI for your OWN expenses, you'll have done your kids a huge favor (and yourself).

Aceyou - thanks for all you do as well

I agree with you, and thankfully although I wasn't paying the kind of attention I should have, I believe I am showing them that I can take care of myself (& them too for now) financially. I have tried to be pretty open about finances, both due to the huge life changes & as they were getting older and could better understand.

Probably too soon I will be able to figure out what 'my' expenses are. It will be pretty bittersweet I imagine, nice to see what my number is but also signifying that they don't need me in the same way.

[frugal rph]

I'm a single parent of a 9 year old and 21 month old. I was very frugal when I was married, but I've been having a hard time staying motivated now that I'm single. My kids' father has mostly dropped out of their lives, and I'm in an 18 month legal battle to finalize my divorce and collect child support.

My current plan is to leave my old lady savings intact but slowly drain the rest if I need to. I've been working part time for 7 years, and I don't plan to go back to full time anytime soon.  I find I'm much happier without working full time. My kids probably won't get much help with college beyond the 35k their father and I saved for the older one when we were together. I am determined not to need financial help from my kids when I'm old.

[overwhelmed]

I'm a single parent of a 9 year old and 21 month old. I was very frugal when I was married, but I've been having a hard time staying motivated now that I'm single. My kids' father has mostly dropped out of their lives, and I'm in an 18 month legal battle to finalize my divorce and collect child support.

My current plan is to leave my old lady savings intact but slowly drain the rest if I need to. I've been working part time for 7 years, and I don't plan to go back to full time anytime soon.  I find I'm much happier without working full time. My kids probably won't get much help with college beyond the 35k their father and I saved for the older one when we were together. I am determined not to need financial help from my kids when I'm old.

Hey frugal rph -

Sorry you have to battle with your ex. My ex lives far enough away that I basically have mine all the time as well but having a 21 month old is a far different dynamic than older kids. I think it's great if you can leave your 'old lady savings' alone, hopefully the legal issues will be resolved soon and things will be more settled.

I imagine if you have been frugal before, it will come back to you. With all that is going on, being motivated to be frugal is probably not your primary concern. With that being said, it will probably be easier for you to get re-motivated as the other things are resolved.

[La Bibliotecaria Feroz]

Hi everyone!

I am a newly single mom to two boys (4 1/2 and almost 6) but we have shared custody. So they are with me just 50% of the time. But... DAMN I'm broke now. I was working just part-time and now I am living on that and child support and substitute teaching and it's hard. Looking for full-time, of course.

[overwhelmed]

Hey frugalparagon -

I have been following the other thread some & it seems you have been experiencing quite the roller coaster. Sorry about that but glad you posted here. It's not bad enough that your entire world suddenly shifts on its axis, then add the financial implications & it's crazy to try to get through. Hopefully we can all support each other and perhaps share things that helped us as we all move through this obstacle course.

[kasey00]

That single parent thread from last year may have been mine, if it was about annuities and whether I'm truly a good candidate for one. I have an 11 year old daughter in 6th grade. I had to start all over again, again, when my finally-full time job unexpectedly ended this fall (I was teaching at a local Business College that very unexpectedly closed its doors.) It's very ironic for me that my budget seems to exceed my actual income in some areas, but hopefully after a few months I'll be able to make adjustments where I'm not spending quite as much as I thought I would be. Felt silly including child support in my planned income since I can't always count on it, but that's the way it goes I guess! I'm still recovering financially from my marriage, then several moves and job restarts. I'm hopeful that where I am now will last for a long time! Tired of the changes! Thankfully, I don't have much debt - mortgage and small vehicle, and small student loan balance but that's all. Hoping that one of these days I'll get out of the "survival mode" and really start getting my emergency fund going, retirement fund building, and still be able to do those projects at home (a sidewalk would be nice!) and maybe take a trip or two with my daughter *sigh*. One day at a time, right? :)

[overwhelmed]

That single parent thread from last year may have been mine, if it was about annuities and whether I'm truly a good candidate for one. I have an 11 year old daughter in 6th grade. I had to start all over again, again, when my finally-full time job unexpectedly ended this fall (I was teaching at a local Business College that very unexpectedly closed its doors.) It's very ironic for me that my budget seems to exceed my actual income in some areas, but hopefully after a few months I'll be able to make adjustments where I'm not spending quite as much as I thought I would be. Felt silly including child support in my planned income since I can't always count on it, but that's the way it goes I guess! I'm still recovering financially from my marriage, then several moves and job restarts. I'm hopeful that where I am now will last for a long time! Tired of the changes! Thankfully, I don't have much debt - mortgage and small vehicle, and small student loan balance but that's all. Hoping that one of these days I'll get out of the "survival mode" and really start getting my emergency fund going, retirement fund building, and still be able to do those projects at home (a sidewalk would be nice!) and maybe take a trip or two with my daughter *sigh*. One day at a time, right? :)

Hey Kacey00

Hang in there - it will get better :) Glad you posted

[Kimbl]

Single parent for the last 6 years.  My children are now almost 13 and 11.  I also manage on part-time work and child support.  Time and Money are at constant war with each other.  When I work more (and have more money),  I completely lose out on time with my children.  I just did my budget for 2017 and come up short if I don't get the extra hours this year.    On top of that, there's a good chance my work situation is about to go through a huge upheaval (owner selling) this year and it's unclear if I will benefit from the change.

So, yeah, I get overwhelmed from time to time especially when I miss something important (my youngest first gymnastic meet this past weekend - she took 3rd!) in my kids' lives.  And when I think about my lack of support systems (no partner, no family nearby, etc.).  But I've made it this far and I suspect I'll get through this year as well, thanks in no small part to what I've learned from MMM and jlcollinsnh and others. I have zero debt and enough savings that I could go a few years with no income if the need arises.

At this point, I'm not even trying for early retirement (approaching 50 as well).  I'm just keeping my head above the water for as long as possible.  I know that by myself I could easily get by with next to nothing.  Just need to get the children launched first.

[SKL-HOU]

Single parent (mom) to a 5 year old. Ex husband is not in the picture at all physically or financially. Although i am in the process of having child support modified to hopefully get some. It is hard mainly because i have no family within 6000 miles. Thankfully i make enoughmoney  to cover all of our needs and wants (don't necessarily get every want). Even though i make really good money, I feel like being sole provider makes it harder to achieve FI. But i really can't complain.

[clarkfan1979]

I would encourage your kids to get part-time jobs. The earlier they start working, the earlier they will be independent. Try not to do everything for them. Give them the opportunity to be independent and grow.

I got my first job at 13 (golf caddy) and pretty much always had a job. If I wanted something above the minimum, I had to pay for it.

For example, my mom would offer to buy me $50 basketball shoes because I played on the basketball team in middle school and high school). If I wanted more expensive shoes, I had to cover the difference.

I had to pay for my car insurance, gas and repairs. The car was gifted to me.

It's not that difficult to feed teenagers when you are buying food from Costco. Try to make two nights/week cheap dinners. Taco Tuesday with 1/2 ground beef and 1/2 refried beans. On Thursdays, it's pasta with red sauce.

If you are trying to feed teenagers at restaurants and/or fast food, it's going to be very expensive.

[SKL-HOU]

My son is only 5 so i have a while but i don't plan on making my son get a job. He has his whole life to work, i will let him enjoy his time while he can. I didn't work until i almost graduated from college and i haven't seen a single negative aspect of it. Of course things can change, he might want to work but his first priority (as opposed to working) will always be school until he graduates from college (hopefully).

[katscratch]

I am! My son is in college now and I totally agree that over the last 10 years expenses just shifted to different categories.

My grocery budget was completely unpredictable his senior year of high school. He did have a job and other than his $13/mo phone covered his expenses including car insurance - he even paid cash for his car -- so that definitely helped my budget numbers.

I wish I would have found MMM and Frugalwoods when they first started writing -- there's something about both of their writing styles that makes me feel "It" is possible, even though I'm still negative net worth. The FIRE mindset gave me a framework to work within and even though I'm still budgeting the same way it feels different.

[La Bibliotecaria Feroz]

I almost don't feel like I belong in this thread because I'm not your traditional "single mom." The XFP and I have 50/50 custody of the boys. Yes, I probably wind up doing more of the heavy lifting (doctor appointments, being the homework heavy) due to differences in temperament and home life (XFP has younger stepkids), but, still... I get a lot of kid-free time. AND I still get checks because I was working only part-time during our marriage. I get spousal support to bridge the gap and child support because I clearly can't support the kids on a part-time library job. So I'm hanging in there. Things could be a whooooole lot worse.

[katscratch]

I almost don't feel like I belong in this thread because I'm not your traditional "single mom." The XFP and I have 50/50 custody of the boys. Yes, I probably wind up doing more of the heavy lifting (doctor appointments, being the homework heavy) due to differences in temperament and home life (XFP has younger stepkids), but, still... I get a lot of kid-free time. AND I still get checks because I was working only part-time during our marriage. I get spousal support to bridge the gap and child support because I clearly can't support the kids on a part-time library job. So I'm hanging in there. Things could be a whooooole lot worse.

We had shared custody, too.  Like you I did a lot of the bigger parent stuff.

There are issues as a single co-parent that are unique to that circumstance - it was MUCH harder for me to acclimate to not having my son home than it was to suddenly being completely broke, for example - but that's all part of the bigger picture of being a non-partnered parent, period.

Myself personally, even though I'm new to your blog and journal, I always look forward to your perspective on life in general :)  I'm ten years out from when I was living in a one bedroom apartment, and it's been really neat to read the experiences of someone who is a LOT more together than I was at that point!

My son is only 5 so i have a while but i don't plan on making my son get a job. He has his whole life to work, i will let him enjoy his time while he can. I didn't work until i almost graduated from college and i haven't seen a single negative aspect of it. Of course things can change, he might want to work but his first priority (as opposed to working) will always be school until he graduates from college (hopefully).

This made me laugh! :)

[La Bibliotecaria Feroz]

I almost don't feel like I belong in this thread because I'm not your traditional "single mom." The XFP and I have 50/50 custody of the boys. Yes, I probably wind up doing more of the heavy lifting (doctor appointments, being the homework heavy) due to differences in temperament and home life (XFP has younger stepkids), but, still... I get a lot of kid-free time. AND I still get checks because I was working only part-time during our marriage. I get spousal support to bridge the gap and child support because I clearly can't support the kids on a part-time library job. So I'm hanging in there. Things could be a whooooole lot worse.

We had shared custody, too.  Like you I did a lot of the bigger parent stuff.

There are issues as a single co-parent that are unique to that circumstance - it was MUCH harder for me to acclimate to not having my son home than it was to suddenly being completely broke, for example - but that's all part of the bigger picture of being a non-partnered parent, period.

Myself personally, even though I'm new to your blog and journal, I always look forward to your perspective on life in general :)  I'm ten years out from when I was living in a one bedroom apartment, and it's been really neat to read the experiences of someone who is a LOT more together than I was at that point!

Hi katscratch! I appreciate the kind words. Nice to hear from someone who has come out the other side of the one bedroom years :-).

[SKL-HOU]

My son is only 5 so i have a while but i don't plan on making my son get a job. He has his whole life to work, i will let him enjoy his time while he can. I didn't work until i almost graduated from college and i haven't seen a single negative aspect of it. Of course things can change, he might want to work but his first priority (as opposed to working) will always be school until he graduates from college (hopefully).

This made me laugh! :)

What about it made you laugh? I meant until he graduates high school, I didn't mean forever, if that's what made you laugh.

[Franklin]

I almost don't feel like I belong in this thread because I'm not your traditional "single mom." The XFP and I have 50/50 custody of the boys. Yes, I probably wind up doing more of the heavy lifting (doctor appointments, being the homework heavy) due to differences in temperament and home life (XFP has younger stepkids), but, still... I get a lot of kid-free time. AND I still get checks because I was working only part-time during our marriage. I get spousal support to bridge the gap and child support because I clearly can't support the kids on a part-time library job. So I'm hanging in there. Things could be a whooooole lot worse.

We had shared custody, too.  Like you I did a lot of the bigger parent stuff.

There are issues as a single co-parent that are unique to that circumstance - it was MUCH harder for me to acclimate to not having my son home than it was to suddenly being completely broke, for example - but that's all part of the bigger picture of being a non-partnered parent, period.

Myself personally, even though I'm new to your blog and journal, I always look forward to your perspective on life in general :)  I'm ten years out from when I was living in a one bedroom apartment, and it's been really neat to read the experiences of someone who is a LOT more together than I was at that point!

Hi katscratch! I appreciate the kind words. Nice to hear from someone who has come out the other side of the one bedroom years :-).

Although unintentional, it's these kind of comments that alienate the good single dads.  Can you see the dichotomy?

[La Bibliotecaria Feroz]

I almost don't feel like I belong in this thread because I'm not your traditional "single mom." The XFP and I have 50/50 custody of the boys. Yes, I probably wind up doing more of the heavy lifting (doctor appointments, being the homework heavy) due to differences in temperament and home life (XFP has younger stepkids), but, still... I get a lot of kid-free time. AND I still get checks because I was working only part-time during our marriage. I get spousal support to bridge the gap and child support because I clearly can't support the kids on a part-time library job. So I'm hanging in there. Things could be a whooooole lot worse.

We had shared custody, too.  Like you I did a lot of the bigger parent stuff.

There are issues as a single co-parent that are unique to that circumstance - it was MUCH harder for me to acclimate to not having my son home than it was to suddenly being completely broke, for example - but that's all part of the bigger picture of being a non-partnered parent, period.

Myself personally, even though I'm new to your blog and journal, I always look forward to your perspective on life in general :)  I'm ten years out from when I was living in a one bedroom apartment, and it's been really neat to read the experiences of someone who is a LOT more together than I was at that point!

Hi katscratch! I appreciate the kind words. Nice to hear from someone who has come out the other side of the one bedroom years :-).

Although unintentional, it's these kind of comments that alienate the good single dads.  Can you see the dichotomy?

Please understand that my comments are intended as a description of my personal situation, as I'm sure were katscratch's. Compare to, say, FIRE_at_45, who seems to do plenty of heavy lifting. I don't see why describing my situation should "alienate" people whose reality is different. You've also highlighted my description of my financial situation, which, again, is highly personal and is intended to show that in general, I consider my position to be pretty good. YMMV.

[katscratch]

I almost don't feel like I belong in this thread because I'm not your traditional "single mom." The XFP and I have 50/50 custody of the boys. Yes, I probably wind up doing more of the heavy lifting (doctor appointments, being the homework heavy) due to differences in temperament and home life (XFP has younger stepkids), but, still... I get a lot of kid-free time. AND I still get checks because I was working only part-time during our marriage. I get spousal support to bridge the gap and child support because I clearly can't support the kids on a part-time library job. So I'm hanging in there. Things could be a whooooole lot worse.

We had shared custody, too.  Like you I did a lot of the bigger parent stuff.

There are issues as a single co-parent that are unique to that circumstance - it was MUCH harder for me to acclimate to not having my son home than it was to suddenly being completely broke, for example - but that's all part of the bigger picture of being a non-partnered parent, period.

Myself personally, even though I'm new to your blog and journal, I always look forward to your perspective on life in general :)  I'm ten years out from when I was living in a one bedroom apartment, and it's been really neat to read the experiences of someone who is a LOT more together than I was at that point!

Hi katscratch! I appreciate the kind words. Nice to hear from someone who has come out the other side of the one bedroom years :-).

Although unintentional, it's these kind of comments that alienate the good single dads.  Can you see the dichotomy?

Why do you assume I'm female? Although unintentional, it's those kind of comments that alienate good people not in the majority group we assume we are speaking about. 

That said, I can see your interpretation.  It's something my son's dad was very active in attempting to change within our local community.  He is the one that volunteered at our son's school and went to playgroups at museums, etc so encountered a myriad of reactions that I would never have been subjected to.

My son is only 5 so i have a while but i don't plan on making my son get a job. He has his whole life to work, i will let him enjoy his time while he can. I didn't work until i almost graduated from college and i haven't seen a single negative aspect of it. Of course things can change, he might want to work but his first priority (as opposed to working) will always be school until he graduates from college (hopefully).

This made me laugh! :)

What about it made you laugh? I meant until he graduates high school, I didn't mean forever, if that's what made you laugh.

I read it literally, as in, sending your 5-yr off with his briefcase to earn some money :)  I wasn't even thinking of later in his life!  I get what you're saying now!  :)

[katscratch]

I've been thinking about the last few posts off and on all afternoon.  One of the things that always bothered me after I became a single parent was that everyone around me was constantly trying to assure me that I was a "better" parent than my son's other parent.  It outright pissed me off and I ended a couple of friendships over persistent negativity on their end. We were different , absolutely.  As a couple we were terrible, but as parents we were fine. My own personal view regarding very young children/infants benefiting from more time with their biological mothers leans heavily toward neurological development rather than a sense of equality between parents regardless of gender, bio status, etc. so yes during the younger years I was much more involved in every aspect of my son's life.


edited 'cuz I misread Franklin's intent and went on a very long tangent that I don't feel is in the spirit of the thread being a supportive space.

[SKL-HOU]

My son is only 5 so i have a while but i don't plan on making my son get a job. He has his whole life to work, i will let him enjoy his time while he can. I didn't work until i almost graduated from college and i haven't seen a single negative aspect of it. Of course things can change, he might want to work but his first priority (as opposed to working) will always be school until he graduates from college (hopefully).

This made me laugh! :)

What about it made you laugh? I meant until he graduates high school, I didn't mean forever, if that's what made you laugh.

I read it literally, as in, sending your 5-yr off with his briefcase to earn some money :)  I wasn't even thinking of later in his life!  I get what you're saying now!  :)

Hahha! Sometimes he comes to work with me. I should get him a briefcase and send him in to my boss's office. The first time he came to my office he looked around and asked "where is my office?" :)

[katscratch]

Hahaha CUTE!

[Franklin]

To clarify, a single father who has 50/50 custody AND pays spousal support AND pays child support is ALSO doing the heavy lifting.  To dismiss a father’s contribution as anything less will alienate him, and hence weaken the partnership.

[calimom]

I thought I had responded to this thread but scrolling though it, I guess not. Maybe there was another one rolling around awhile back? In any case, I've been a single parent for over 9 years - my husband was killed in a car crash in 2007. I was 31 and my kids were 1,5 and 14 at the time. The eldest is actually my stepdaughter and her biological mother was (to put it kindly) has never been  cut out for parenthood. So everything has basically been on me. I'm pretty fortunate to have a supportive extended family which include my BIL and MIL. I honestly don't know how people do it without their village. Sometimes you need the village and sometimes the village needs you.

In my current world the eldest has finished college (on a full scholarship yay!) and is working 3 part time gigs.She gets minimal $$ support in the form of being on the family health plan as well as my phone plan. Like everyone, the future of the ACA will determine how this goes forward. My younger kids are 10 and 14 and I still get social security survivors' benefits for them (thank you New Deal!) which will continue till the youngest turns 18. I'm hoping to have my house paid off at that time and will open up options to live more economically, sell it and move away, rent it out and move away. Where we live now is great for some things, and other things, not so much.

I started a small business (actually by purchasing from a seller and growing it) which pretty much allows me to set my hours around my kids' school and extracurricular activities, limiting anything extra to one at a time. I am in full solidarity with the other single parents juggling, work, kids and house responsibilities! Yowsah, some days are a challenge and even with good planning and schedules all it takes is one thing: a car with a dead battery, a sick kid, work crisis, to throw everything in to disarray in about 10 seconds.

[Gal2016]

To clarify, a single father who has 50/50 custody AND pays spousal support AND pays child support is ALSO doing the heavy lifting.  To dismiss a father’s contribution as anything less will alienate him, and hence weaken the partnership.

I don't know about this.  Child and spousal support are usually awarded so that the child's living conditions (and the former spouse) have parity with the other parent.  If someone is doing all of the "heavy lifting" as described in the post -- homework, making appointments, discipline, etc -- that is heavy lifting regarding PARENTING.  And being a good parent is so much more than spending money or even having a presence 50% of the time.

[Franklin]

To clarify, a single father who has 50/50 custody AND pays spousal support AND pays child support is ALSO doing the heavy lifting.  To dismiss a father’s contribution as anything less will alienate him, and hence weaken the partnership.

I don't know about this.  Child and spousal support are usually awarded so that the child's living conditions (and the former spouse) have parity with the other parent.  If someone is doing all of the "heavy lifting" as described in the post -- homework, making appointments, discipline, etc -- that is heavy lifting regarding PARENTING.  And being a good parent is so much more than spending money or even having a presence 50% of the time.

I'm going to give them both the benefit of the doubt and assume that there is a considerable amount of parenting going on in their 50% of the time.  It just may not fit your definition of parenting.  And being a good parent is ALSO so much more than meeting a child's logistical needs.

[La Bibliotecaria Feroz]

To clarify, a single father who has 50/50 custody AND pays spousal support AND pays child support is ALSO doing the heavy lifting.  To dismiss a father’s contribution as anything less will alienate him, and hence weaken the partnership.

I don't know about this.  Child and spousal support are usually awarded so that the child's living conditions (and the former spouse) have parity with the other parent.  If someone is doing all of the "heavy lifting" as described in the post -- homework, making appointments, discipline, etc -- that is heavy lifting regarding PARENTING.  And being a good parent is so much more than spending money or even having a presence 50% of the time.

I'm going to give them both the benefit of the doubt and assume that there is a considerable amount of parenting going on in their 50% of the time.  It just may not fit your definition of parenting.  And being a good parent is ALSO so much more than meeting a child's logistical needs.

In MY PARTICULAR CASE, I think the XFP is stretched too thin by having younger stepkids who live with him almost all of the time (as opposed to the 50% our shared kids do) and that stuff is falling by the wayside.

I think the children benefit immeasurably from having a home with him and have resisted repeated calls from both my family and his to take the kids and decamp to the East Coast.

I'm not saying he isn't doing his best, or doesn't have good intentions. What if I struck "heavy lifting" from the record--because you're 100% right, financial support can be characterized that way, too--and replaced it with "emotional labor," which is more precise. I have been doing all the doctors, dentists, homework, shoe buying, signing up for swim lessons, etc., while Big Brother keeps getting marked down on his homework because his father has not provided time to work on it. That's hard for me to see.

In general, I'm in a good position and have a good relationship with the kids' dad. I do more of the emotional labor.

[overwhelmed]

I started this thread because being a single parent is a thing.

All of the individual situations are exactly that, individual personal experiences. If a parent finds themselves shouldering more than 50% of their child/children's upbringing it is not hard to believe that they might be shouldering more of the responsibilities. I don't see that as gender specific, or a condemnation of single fathers/non-custodial parents.

I receive child support but am the parent that parents full-time, I am the everyday, every appointment, every success, every sadness person. I am the 24/7, 50+ weeks a year constant in my children's lives. Child support is helpful on one level but in my situation, the absence of their dad's presence speaks much louder to them.

There are endless variations of parenting situations, co-parenting,shared custody and probably a million other arrangements.

I know parents who show up without fail for their children regardless of the relationship between the parents, it is just not the experience that my children have. The same can be said for support. Some people receive nothing & others like me do.

The intention is to 'find' & provide support to each other.

Just wanted to say Hi to everyone I missed lately :)

[MsPeacock]

Another single parent here. Kids are with their dad about 30% of the time. Regardlesss of shared custody or not, if you are on your own with the kids when they are with you theN you are single parenting.

That said, I have shouldered a hugely disproportionate responsibility for doctors appointments, sick days, activities, school relate stuff, etc. I did when we were married but I was a SAHM for most of that time. Now I am single and do it all while working full time. It's been 7 years and is definitely easier now that the kids are ol enough to be on their own at home ( 10 and 13).

Early retirement is completely out of the question. My divorce and being dragged repeatedly to court cost me 225k. I am in recovery mode for retirement and doing pretty well. Fortunate that I have a good income and found MMM. I do think there are added financial challenges of being a single parent. 

[SKL-HOU]

I do 100% of everything including 100% of financial. The ex-H is not in the picture at all. In addition, the closest family i have is 6000 miles away. It gets hard and draining sometimes but to be honest i can't say it ever gets too bad. Having a well paying career, working for a very understanding and flexible boss  is a huge help in reducing the stress of single parenting in my case. Everybody's circumstances are different and not comparable. Everybody handles single parenting (whatever their arrangements are) differently. Also, as far as moms vs dads... even though my personal experience is that my ex is a shitty father, i know he does not represent all dads or all single dads. I see plenty of married or single dads that are awesome with their kids.

[katscratch]

I struggled for a long time with feeling like I wasn't "worthy" of feeling like a single parent, or feeling ok with talking about some of my frustrations, when the few other single parents I knew were completely on their own (with varying financial support).

But it's the not having a partner at home part of the picture that makes it harder. For different reasons and in different ways.

Thank you for starting this thread, overwhelmed.

[overwhelmed]

I struggled for a long time with feeling like I wasn't "worthy" of feeling like a single parent, or feeling ok with talking about some of my frustrations, when the few other single parents I knew were completely on their own (with varying financial support).

But it's the not having a partner at home part of the picture that makes it harder. For different reasons and in different ways.

Thank you for starting this thread, overwhelmed.

Katscratch -

Lordy, I get the 'feeling not worthy' about something (or lots of things). Parenting under 'ideal' circumstances is hard. Being a parent both in a marriage/part of a team and on my own is the best & worst experience I have ever had. My kids are amazing & even when it's hard or when I'm feeling 'put upon' or even resentful (why yes, that happens :) ) I know that they are by far the best thing I have ever done.

Connection & empathy are so important.

So with that said, I hope you & everyone else feels comfortable here and feel supported.

[overwhelmed]

I agree with overwhelmed.  If you are alone when you have your children then you can classify as a single parent.  A thread like this should be about supporting each other.  Every situation  is unique.  When I started my thread on being a single dad I did it because I connected with another a poster somehow on that subject.  I had someone question why being a single dad is so difficult.  I never said it was difficult, although it is, I said it's different and challenging.  And I don't do the 'heavy lifting' you are talking about with the dentist and reserving the kid's spots on team.  I could perfectly handle this responsibility it's just the way it worked out in our relationship during marriage (that was one thing she did) so she kept doing it. 

I'm of two minds on the financial thing.  It can be a huge financial responsibility to pay child support but the emotional support and time is the most important thing you can give your kids.  They have no idea about the finances.

MsPeacock, I feel for you with your legal battles.  That is awful.

Fire at 45

When I first started to respond earlier I had a thing about even in 2 parent homes often responsibilities are still skewed in one form or another. Some couples agree with the 'division of labor' some divide by cultural norms or that whole gender role garbage. I will say in fairness that parenting when I was married was actually pretty close to equal, although that also made the change harder for my kids.

Actually, I think being a single dad can be very difficult. When families break up even in the best child centered arrangements, you are no longer with your children all the time, you are always a parent but suddenly they aren't there. I think that is unbelievably difficult. (I think I question the person who asked you more....)


Ms Peacock, I to feel for the additional stress you are forced to deal with with the legal battles.

[overwhelmed]

I thought I had responded to this thread but scrolling though it, I guess not. Maybe there was another one rolling around awhile back? In any case, I've been a single parent for over 9 years - my husband was killed in a car crash in 2007. I was 31 and my kids were 1,5 and 14 at the time. The eldest is actually my stepdaughter and her biological mother was (to put it kindly) has never been  cut out for parenthood. So everything has basically been on me. I'm pretty fortunate to have a supportive extended family which include my BIL and MIL. I honestly don't know how people do it without their village. Sometimes you need the village and sometimes the village needs you.

In my current world the eldest has finished college (on a full scholarship yay!) and is working 3 part time gigs.She gets minimal $$ support in the form of being on the family health plan as well as my phone plan. Like everyone, the future of the ACA will determine how this goes forward. My younger kids are 10 and 14 and I still get social security survivors' benefits for them (thank you New Deal!) which will continue till the youngest turns 18. I'm hoping to have my house paid off at that time and will open up options to live more economically, sell it and move away, rent it out and move away. Where we live now is great for some things, and other things, not so much.

I started a small business (actually by purchasing from a seller and growing it) which pretty much allows me to set my hours around my kids' school and extracurricular activities, limiting anything extra to one at a time. I am in full solidarity with the other single parents juggling, work, kids and house responsibilities! Yowsah, some days are a challenge and even with good planning and schedules all it takes is one thing: a car with a dead battery, a sick kid, work crisis, to throw everything in to disarray in about 10 seconds.

Calimom

I am so sorry for you & your children's loss.

[calimom]

Thanks for your kind words, overwhelmed. Those of us on this thread may walk with a different gait, but we're all traveling the same road. I'm guessing most of us didn't enter our marriages and have kids thinking we'd be divorced or our spouses might die early. The challenge we all face is: how do we get where we want to go? How do we balance all the responsibilities we have, raise good kids, carve our something resembling an adult life and plan for the future?