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General Discussion => Welcome and General Discussion => Topic started by: i_am_the_slime on January 11, 2014, 05:12:56 PM

Title: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: i_am_the_slime on January 11, 2014, 05:12:56 PM
Do you think the grandparents should be at the hospital for the birth of their grandchild? We do not want them there because we don't want them at the house in the 1st week after we get back from the hospital (we live out of town so they'd have to stay). We've requested that they come 1 week after the birth and my mom is making a BIG deal about this - it has led to many fights.
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: pipercat on January 11, 2014, 05:27:59 PM
It really is up to you, but I tend to agree with you. Could you offer to get them a hotel room instead?
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: DocCyane on January 11, 2014, 05:34:15 PM
I would think the woman giving birth gets the one and only vote on that matter.
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: Kriegsspiel on January 11, 2014, 05:37:43 PM
No.
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: Gray Matter on January 11, 2014, 05:51:47 PM
I agree with everyone else.  It's something you decide as a couple (though the pregnant one's vote ought to count for more, in my opinion).  Keeping is small and intimate was my preference.  I absolutely would not have wanted my MIL there.  I invited my mom to the first one because I felt like I ought to, but honestly, she just made me tense.  Second time around, we had a home birth, just us and it was PERFECT!
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: MicroRN on January 11, 2014, 06:42:06 PM
I would think the woman giving birth gets the one and only vote on that matter.

This.

I don't understand making birth a spectator situation.  We didn't even let family come wait in the waiting room at the hospital.  We told them there would be no updates during labor because we needed to focus on us, and we would call them at some point after the baby was born.  As it is, with our first baby we were mobbed as soon as visiting hours started, and got no rest at all.  For the 2nd baby we lived several states away from family, and it was lovely having the time just to ourselves to bond and rest as much as possible. 
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: Insanity on January 11, 2014, 06:44:33 PM
both sets of grandparents were there, but that is because that is what we wanted…  but they weren't allowed in until after we were settled into the room.
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: Letj on January 11, 2014, 06:58:00 PM
I had my mother and my husband present at my children's birth.  To everyone their own but I never understood why a mother to be would not want her parents or even grand parents around.  I don't think they necessarily need to be in the room but having that support at home for new parents can be invaluable.  My mom was so helpful that she would get up in the middle of the night to help with the baby. She raised 7 healthy and successful children so I definitely found her advice and help during that time of life to be invaluable.  I don't agree that only what the mother wants matters.  Shouldn't the desires and feelings of the grand parents matter?  After all, they are probably just as excited to see the new baby and spend time with the baby.  My children are still young but I imagine that I will be really hurt if I wanted to help any one of my daughters after they gave birth and they refused.  Frankly, I would consider this inconsiderate and selfish.
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: Zamboni on January 11, 2014, 07:12:04 PM
I would think the woman giving birth gets the one and only vote on that matter.

+1.

As the host, you have complete authority to decide when (or if) someone else has permission to visit your home.  Period. 

If she brings it up again, remind them that it has already been discussed and you are not discussing it again.  If she persists, tell them you're sorry but you've got to go get a pie out of the oven, say goodbye, and then hang up.  Don't answer again until the next day if she tries calling again.  Repeat as needed. 
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: MicroRN on January 11, 2014, 07:31:00 PM
And because no thread like this is complete without a horror story...

My friend wanted to have just her and her husband at the birth, but her mom (with whom she  had a great relationship) threw such a fit she finally gave in.  She said the birth was a nightmare, culminating in her mom holding the baby before either parent got to and taking photos of the new baby that showed friend's privates in the background - and then emailing the photos to everybody, including her church group.  Her mom was then staying with her for three weeks to "help," which consisted entirely of mom holding the baby while friend did everything else around the house.  After a week, friend kicked her out, and almost two years later their relationship hasn't recovered.
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: marty998 on January 11, 2014, 07:38:46 PM
If she persists, tell them you're sorry but you've got to go get a pie out of the oven, say goodbye, and then hang up.

Maybe choose a a different excuse. One that cannot be construed as a metaphor :)

And because no thread like this is complete without a horror story...

My friend wanted to have just her and her husband at the birth, but her mom (with whom she  had a great relationship) threw such a fit she finally gave in.  She said the birth was a nightmare, culminating in her mom holding the baby before either parent got to and taking photos of the new baby that showed friend's privates in the background - and then emailing the photos to everybody, including her church group.  Her mom was then staying with her for three weeks to "help," which consisted entirely of mom holding the baby while friend did everything else around the house.  After a week, friend kicked her out, and almost two years later their relationship hasn't recovered.

That is disgraceful. Sounds like an Everybody Loves Raymond episode, except Debra didn't kick her out.
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: bogart on January 11, 2014, 07:40:39 PM
To everyone their own but I never understood why a mother to be would not want her parents or even grand parents around. 

My mom was at the birth of my son also (because I wanted her there), but if the above is true, you must know a pretty homogenous group of parents and grand parents.  I've known plenty (including some of my own) where it's glaringly obvious why one wouldn't want them around.  And every situation and every household is different; particularly in a case like the OP's where it's not just having local family present, but having out-of-town family visiting and staying in the home of the new parents I can totally see why this would be an entirely and resoundingly bad idea (not to say that's always the case, just that I can totally see where it would be.

Add me as a +1 to those saying whoever's giving birth gets to decide. 
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: pipercat on January 11, 2014, 07:51:50 PM
Shouldn't the desires and feelings of the grand parents matter?  After all, they are probably just as excited to see the new baby and spend time with the baby.  My children are still young but I imagine that I will be really hurt if I wanted to help any one of my daughters after they gave birth and they refused.  Frankly, I would consider this inconsiderate and selfish.

The grandparents have already had their turn to birth their own children. Of course, the feelings of the mother should be communicated in a loving and gracious way, but I can't fathom why the grandparents' excitement should trump the feelings of the woman who is actually giving birth.
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: RootofGood on January 11, 2014, 08:02:11 PM
My wife said "make sure your mom doesn't invite herself into the delivery room".  That was the only vote cast on the issue and I think my mom may have showed up eventually and brought us some food and a toothbrush or something. 

My wife didn't want anyone in the delivery room (other than me and the medical pros, and eventually all the little Roots of Good).  It's not a pretty sight and medical situations can change rapidly (in seconds) so I think wife and I felt best not having other interlopers in the room. 

Just be straight up with the unwanted moms and say you'd love to see them a few days after you get home, but you'll really need to focus during labor and delivery.  Our parents were all local so we welcomed them at the hospital after labor was over and once the wife had a little rest.  They also brought our older 2 kids to see the new person they could hold and love. 

Those nurses bug the shit out of you all day (temp check, check the gauze, here's your OB/pediatrician/lactation consultant/photo-fucking!!!-tographer), so we packed up and left after 1 night in the hospital (for baby #3) so we could go home and get some quality rest. 

Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: JessieImproved on January 11, 2014, 08:02:54 PM
It sounds like the problem is not having the grandparents at the hospital, it's having the grandparents stay at your house after the birth, am I right?  If so, then just lay down the law that they have to stay somewhere else.  It's your house, you're a grown *** adult, and you have the right to say no.
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: CommonCents on January 11, 2014, 08:52:15 PM
I would think the woman giving birth gets the one and only vote on that matter.

+1

I had my mother and my husband present at my children's birth.  To everyone their own but I never understood why a mother to be would not want her parents or even grand parents around.  I don't think they necessarily need to be in the room but having that support at home for new parents can be invaluable.  My mom was so helpful that she would get up in the middle of the night to help with the baby. She raised 7 healthy and successful children so I definitely found her advice and help during that time of life to be invaluable.  I don't agree that only what the mother wants matters.  Shouldn't the desires and feelings of the grand parents matter?  After all, they are probably just as excited to see the new baby and spend time with the baby.  My children are still young but I imagine that I will be really hurt if I wanted to help any one of my daughters after they gave birth and they refused.  Frankly, I would consider this inconsiderate and selfish.

Super cool that your parents were helpful.  When I have kids, I hope my parents will be helpful (although I'd *never* invite to the birthing room).

Reasons that even I (not a parent) can think why someone wouldn't want their parents there:
1. The house is small and does not have space for the grandparents so everyone is tripping over everyone
2. The grandparents do not help
3. Even worse, the grandparents cause work (wanting to be fed, waited on etc)
4. The parents want the first week to themselves, since it's crazy stressful/new etc (and perhaps the grandparents are too much on the holding the baby and taking that time from mom & dad)
5. The grandparents want to be in the delivery room and the mom doesn't want to show her privates/birthing stress/more people in the room/worries about medical complications etc
6. The grandparents criticize the new parents, telling them all the ways they should do things (which may not even be doctor recommended methods these days)
7. The grandparents may overshare per the story above (omg)

So no, no, no, NO, it is not inconsiderate for new parents to choose not to invite the parents.  The grandparents had their chance to set the rules with their kids, their wishes are not as significant as the new mom's wishes here (and the new dad's as well).  If you want to be invited to the birth of your grandkid, best suggestion is to try to demonstrate well in advance of the birth how you would be a help, not a hindrance, but don't get mad if they choose otherwise.
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: pipercat on January 11, 2014, 09:19:10 PM
Another thought. . .if you are planning to breastfeed, those first several days will likely be very rocky, and you will really be the only person who can wake up with the baby anyway. When this happened to me, I worried about feeding my baby, losing my own sleep, and making sure the baby didnt wake my guests! That's a lot when you have just popped out a baby, your boobs feel like huge, painful watermelons, and your hormones  haven't figured out which way to go!

Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: bogart on January 11, 2014, 10:06:45 PM
Another thought. . .if you are planning to breastfeed, those first several days will likely be very rocky

Indeedy, good point.  And given the frequency with which newborns nurse (and/or you struggle trying to figure out how to support a newborn's nursing), you might not want your parents, or your spouse's parents (or grandparents) around.  And this is coming from a woman who worked (and I mean that, bare-chested, baby, getting the latch established, the whole shebang) with a lactation consultant in the hospital with my adult stepson and his SO present in the room, so, no modesty here.  But it seems safe to say not everyone feels so blasee. 
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: prosaic on January 11, 2014, 11:15:28 PM
Your mother's "right" to be there doesn't trump your right to have a peaceful birth and "baby moon" in that first week.

This is a major test, even if it doesn't seem like it. If this is how your mother is about a moment that is extremely personal and launches your life together as parents, then she will likely be intrusive and trigger fights about your parenting and life choices in general. What happens when you don't do the following her way?

breastfeeding
baby care
sleep schedules
work or stay at home
preschool choices
health care choices

…you get the picture. Intrusive grandparents can think they have the right NOT just to speak their opinion, *but to coerce you into doing it their way.*

Hold the line. "We're having a private birth and want a week at home to bond with the baby. This is not up for negotiation. We welcome you on day 8 and you can stay here."

"This is not up for negotiation" needs to be your broken record. So does "You're adding unneeded and unwelcome stress to my pregnancy and I'm done with this topic." Click.

I'm 15 years into this parenting thing and man do I wish I'd drawn boundaries earlier, so I know whereof I speak.
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: i_am_the_slime on January 12, 2014, 05:54:36 AM
Your mother's "right" to be there doesn't trump your right to have a peaceful birth and "baby moon" in that first week.

This is a major test, even if it doesn't seem like it. If this is how your mother is about a moment that is extremely personal and launches your life together as parents, then she will likely be intrusive and trigger fights about your parenting and life choices in general. What happens when you don't do the following her way?


This is pretty much how we feel - that we deserve a peaceful birth and 1st week after, especially considering it is our first child and my wife is nervous about it (breastfeeding, etc).  The other factor is that we don't want both sets of grandparents at our house (not enough room, personality conflicts) and it's not fair for 1 set to get to be at the hospital and not the other. 

If they were local, we'd probably be okay with them coming to the hospital for 1 hour after birth.  But it makes NO sense for the grandparents to buy plane tickets (or drive 8 hours) to come to the hospital for 1 hour.  Now, my mom WANTS to do that and my wife's mom WILL NOT waste money that way, so my mom says "It's not fair to punish me because the other grandparent doesn't want to spend the money"

Ironically, my mom is fighting over this so fiercely that it is ruining my wife's and my relationship with my mother - so much so that we really don't want her to come at ALL now.  She's the type of person that makes snide comments over everything CONSTANTLY and every time it starts a fight.  At Christmas I lasted 36 hours before I just ended the visit early and went home.
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: LeighinCT on January 12, 2014, 06:13:12 AM
I'm a hospital RN. Enlist our help if you are ever hospitalized and juggling pushy family and friends. I tell my patients that I am more then happy to run interference on your behalf. The patient is my first priority. My hospital has signs that we can post on a patient's door indicating all visitors must report to the Nurses Station before entering the room. Allows us to manage the visitors while the patient heals.
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: CommonCents on January 12, 2014, 06:22:47 AM
I'm a hospital RN. Enlist our help if you are ever hospitalized and juggling pushy family and friends. I tell my patients that I am more then happy to run interference on your behalf. The patient is my first priority. My hospital has signs that we can post on a patient's door indicating all visitors must report to the Nurses Station before entering the room. Allows us to manage the visitors while the patient heals.

Awesomeness
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: Bigote on January 12, 2014, 06:46:49 AM
Ironically, my mom is fighting over this so fiercely that it is ruining my wife's and my relationship with my mother - so much so that we really don't want her to come at ALL now.  She's the type of person that makes snide comments over everything CONSTANTLY and every time it starts a fight.  At Christmas I lasted 36 hours before I just ended the visit early and went home.

Wow.  This wont sound nice, but it is necessary.  You need to put her in her place.   
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: Gray Matter on January 12, 2014, 07:10:49 AM
Ironically, my mom is fighting over this so fiercely that it is ruining my wife's and my relationship with my mother - so much so that we really don't want her to come at ALL now.  She's the type of person that makes snide comments over everything CONSTANTLY and every time it starts a fight.  At Christmas I lasted 36 hours before I just ended the visit early and went home.

Wow.  This wont sound nice, but it is necessary.  You need to put her in her place.

I agree.  Be very blunt about how her pushing is affecting your relationship with her and she will end up with the exact opposite of what she wants if she continues.
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: RootofGood on January 12, 2014, 08:00:06 AM
I'm a hospital RN. Enlist our help if you are ever hospitalized and juggling pushy family and friends. I tell my patients that I am more then happy to run interference on your behalf. The patient is my first priority. My hospital has signs that we can post on a patient's door indicating all visitors must report to the Nurses Station before entering the room. Allows us to manage the visitors while the patient heals.

+1  Use the nurses to your advantage.  We didn't really put much thought into a birth plan (the first 2 popped out without much ado without a birth plan).  But when we went in the labor room (separate from the recovery room in our experiences), we explicitly told the nurses "no visitors", and that I would go out to the waiting room in the baby center lobby to greet any.  Wishes respected.  My slightly intrusive mother may have made an unwanted cameo appearance without these instructions. 
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: Zamboni on January 12, 2014, 08:14:23 AM
This must come up a lot:  most pregnant mothers probably do not want an extended family gathering in the delivery room.  I am feeling very lucky that our hospital had a policy of only allowing the birthing mother, medical people (including those you invited such as doulas), and ONE other adult in the room during labor in delivery.  That one other person is usually the father.  Any other people in the room required you to petition for an exception (which they likely granted up to some limit, but it was nice to tell pushy grandma that it was just the hospital policy only dad could be there.)

From what you are saying, you must absolutely be firm with your parents.  Otherwise it will cause undue stress in your marriage at a very stressful time; even if the delivery is not complicated, the hormonal changes a woman experiences during that time and for weeks after are crazy!  Giving in to your mother on this will probably not just damage your relationship with your mother, or your wife's relationship with your mother, but most importantly it will damage your relationship with your wife.  When it comes to choosing between what your Mom wants and what your wife wants, put your wife's wishes first in this and probably most things if you'd like a long, happy marriage.  Keep those boundaries firmly in place.

Trust me on this:  I learned that lesson the hardest way possible.

Congratulations on your expected new baby!
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: i_am_the_slime on January 12, 2014, 09:50:04 AM

From what you are saying, you must absolutely be firm with your parents.  Otherwise it will cause undue stress in your marriage at a very stressful time; even if the delivery is not complicated, the hormonal changes a woman experiences during that time and for weeks after are crazy!  Giving in to your mother on this will probably not just damage your relationship with your mother, or your wife's relationship with your mother, but most importantly it will damage your relationship with your wife.  When it comes to choosing between what your Mom wants and what your wife wants, put your wife's wishes first in this and probably most things if you'd like a long, happy marriage.  Keep those boundaries firmly in place.


I've definitely been firm and 100% supportive of my wife on this.  I'm actually asking because it has worn on my wife and she finally decided to cave.  Granted, her comment was "if someone is going to have their life ruined and get to hold a grudge, I want the upper hand of being able to hold the grudge" - to which I called her George Castanza.  Regardless, I'm trying to convince her she shouldn't cave.
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: Zamboni on January 12, 2014, 09:54:43 AM
Don't let her cave!  In fact, she should just be allowed to say "no" and not ever have to deal with it again.  You should run interference on your own parents.  No MEANS NO, end of story.  Do you really need to explain this to your mom?  It sounds like you do, so explain it to her like she is a freaking two year old who thinks she always gets to have her way, and then be sure that no means no when you are raising your own children.  If your wife caves, it is ultimately you she will hold a grudge against for not keeping your mother at bay.

You also have to let the heat be on you.  If there is going to be heat from your mother, tell your mother that she has no right to be upset with your wife and to stop badgering her NOW period!  Tell your mom that if she is going to cause stress or problems for your wife, then she'd better think again about how she is eroding her relationship with her own son.  I really think you need to use stronger language here and man up and take a stand for your marriage.  Your wife shouldn't even have to be involved in the conversation with your mom about this from here forward since she's already made her wishes known.
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: Gray Matter on January 12, 2014, 10:18:51 AM
Don't let her cave!  In fact, she should just be allowed to say "no" and not ever have to deal with it again.  You should run interference on your own parents.  No MEANS NO, end of story.  Do you really need to explain this to your mom?  It sounds like you do, so explain it to her like she is a freaking two year old who thinks she always gets to have her way, and then be sure that no means no when you are raising your own children.  If your wife caves, it is ultimately you she will hold a grudge against for not keeping your mother at bay.

You also have to let the heat be on you.  If there is going to be heat from your mother, tell your mother that she has no right to be upset with your wife and to stop badgering her NOW period!  Tell your mom that if she is going to cause stress or problems for your wife, then she'd better think again about how she is eroding her relationship with her own son.  I really think you need to use stronger language here and man up and take a stand for your marriage.  Your wife shouldn't even have to be involved in the conversation with your mom about this from here forward since she's already made her wishes known.

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!  That's all.
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: Rural on January 12, 2014, 11:19:22 AM
Don't let her cave!  In fact, she should just be allowed to say "no" and not ever have to deal with it again.  You should run interference on your own parents.  No MEANS NO, end of story.  Do you really need to explain this to your mom?  It sounds like you do, so explain it to her like she is a freaking two year old who thinks she always gets to have her way, and then be sure that no means no when you are raising your own children.  If your wife caves, it is ultimately you she will hold a grudge against for not keeping your mother at bay.

You also have to let the heat be on you.  If there is going to be heat from your mother, tell your mother that she has no right to be upset with your wife and to stop badgering her NOW period!  Tell your mom that if she is going to cause stress or problems for your wife, then she'd better think again about how she is eroding her relationship with her own son.  I really think you need to use stronger language here and man up and take a stand for your marriage.  Your wife shouldn't even have to be involved in the conversation with your mom about this from here forward since she's already made her wishes known.

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!  That's all.

Agreed. Remember, she's got to do the hard part of giving birth, plus all the hormone changes, etc. that will make it harder for her to deal with the stupid emotional stuff. Here's your chance to be the hero and take care of this hard part for her.
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: i_am_the_slime on January 12, 2014, 11:27:39 AM
Don't let her cave!  In fact, she should just be allowed to say "no" and not ever have to deal with it again.  You should run interference on your own parents.  No MEANS NO, end of story.  Do you really need to explain this to your mom?  It sounds like you do, so explain it to her like she is a freaking two year old who thinks she always gets to have her way, and then be sure that no means no when you are raising your own children.  If your wife caves, it is ultimately you she will hold a grudge against for not keeping your mother at bay.

You also have to let the heat be on you.  If there is going to be heat from your mother, tell your mother that she has no right to be upset with your wife and to stop badgering her NOW period!  Tell your mom that if she is going to cause stress or problems for your wife, then she'd better think again about how she is eroding her relationship with her own son.  I really think you need to use stronger language here and man up and take a stand for your marriage.  Your wife shouldn't even have to be involved in the conversation with your mom about this from here forward since she's already made her wishes known.

All of the fighting is between me and my mom - my wife has never even spoken to my mom about "the plan", it has all been me telling my mom.  Nonetheless, my wife sometimes still knows that I am continuing to fight with my mom over it, and it pisses my wife off that my mom is being this way.  Basically it stresses her out and she's worried about having to endure my mom's visit - she thinks the visit would go smoother if she caved. 

Trust me, I've been 100% behind my wife and she knows and appreciates that.  I'm sure she will appreciate it later when she's glad I didn't let her cave.
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: athomeintheworld on January 12, 2014, 11:32:41 AM
Very personal decision and you have to do what is right for you. For some women they WANT family there.  If this is you - then by all means go for it.  Many do not - and this should be respected. 

Only you can give your baby a safe, healthy delivery.  Not your midwife/OB, husband/partner, family, etc.  YOU.  So do what you need to be happy and comfortable, etc. 

If you are stressed about things like this during your labor it is likely to effect your birthing process in a number of unpleasant ways.  Remember this.  Peace and love and calm.

Best wishes to you.  It is an amazing time:)
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: mango on January 12, 2014, 11:36:47 AM
Congratulations on the baby! =]

When is your wife due? If I were in your position, any time Mom brings up the subject of visiting, just cut her off (I'm assuming at this point you've already reasonably communicated to her why it Just Cant Happen) and/or change subjects. Make it so that it's no longer even a point of discussion. Does she also have details on the hospital or anything else? Depending on how sneaky she is with things like FB she might be able to figure it out if you tell other people or post online. Just freeze her out on details. It maay seem a little harsh but these are the measures I would take so as to preserve my own sanity as well as very firmly showing these grandparents what the boundaries are. So even though freezing out might be harsh, it would help me with having a future relationship with them.

And how is your dad on this? Maybe you can just talk to him if he behaves.
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: Bigote on January 12, 2014, 12:05:57 PM
Forgive the face punch, but frankly if your wife feels the need to cave you're failing.   You let your mom pressure you too much and your wife felt that pressure indirectly.  Your mom should have been put in her place earlier than this.   
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: MicroRN on January 12, 2014, 12:51:27 PM
All of the fighting is between me and my mom - my wife has never even spoken to my mom about "the plan", it has all been me telling my mom.  Nonetheless, my wife sometimes still knows that I am continuing to fight with my mom over it, and it pisses my wife off that my mom is being this way.  Basically it stresses her out and she's worried about having to endure my mom's visit - she thinks the visit would go smoother if she caved. 

I'll echo LeighinCT (Leigh, any chance you're at L&M?  I had a baby there and loved it) on using the nurses to your advantage.  I'm not an L&D nurse, but still occasionally have to be the gatekeeper to a patient. 

The other thing is, really consider whether you want people staying in your house a scant week after the baby is born.  If you don't honestly feel like they will be helpful around the house, tell them to stay in a hotel and set up hours when it's ok for them to be over.  My mom flew up to stay with us for my 2nd, but it was a planned c-section and she stayed home and took care of our toddler, cooked, and cleaned.  Even if you have to pay for the hotel, be aware that it may save multiple relationships.  New families need privacy.  There's pain, blood, screaming baby, frustration, and all kinds of things going on that make it hard to be hosts. 
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: ChiStache on January 12, 2014, 01:55:00 PM
My husband and I are wrestling with this now. We have decided on a no-grandparents policy for a *month* after the birth. My husband and I will both be on leave during that time, and we are looking forward to having some privacy to figure out our family of three before the grandparents arrive. I love my mom, and I know she would be helpful, but I want to give my husband an opportunity to seize his role as my partner in parenting, before my mom gets too involved. My mom is unhappy with this arrangement, but I'm holding firm.  I think you're being very generous to your mother, and I'm sorry she's being so unreasonable.
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: prosaic on January 12, 2014, 03:24:31 PM
Don't let her cave!  In fact, she should just be allowed to say "no" and not ever have to deal with it again.  You should run interference on your own parents.  No MEANS NO, end of story.  Do you really need to explain this to your mom?  It sounds like you do, so explain it to her like she is a freaking two year old who thinks she always gets to have her way, and then be sure that no means no when you are raising your own children.  If your wife caves, it is ultimately you she will hold a grudge against for not keeping your mother at bay.

You also have to let the heat be on you.  If there is going to be heat from your mother, tell your mother that she has no right to be upset with your wife and to stop badgering her NOW period!  Tell your mom that if she is going to cause stress or problems for your wife, then she'd better think again about how she is eroding her relationship with her own son.  I really think you need to use stronger language here and man up and take a stand for your marriage.  Your wife shouldn't even have to be involved in the conversation with your mom about this from here forward since she's already made her wishes known.

All of the fighting is between me and my mom - my wife has never even spoken to my mom about "the plan", it has all been me telling my mom.  Nonetheless, my wife sometimes still knows that I am continuing to fight with my mom over it, and it pisses my wife off that my mom is being this way.  Basically it stresses her out and she's worried about having to endure my mom's visit - she thinks the visit would go smoother if she caved. 

Trust me, I've been 100% behind my wife and she knows and appreciates that.  I'm sure she will appreciate it later when she's glad I didn't let her cave.

Oh, yes -- right now your wife is hormonal and struggling and if she's tempted to do what's "easier" and let your mom win, it will put a wedge not only between her and your mom, but between your wife and *you*. Make it clear this is a JOINT decision between you and your wife and that your mother is jeopardizing her relationship with *you* by pushing.

I write romance novels, so I'll borrow a term from those: it's time to be the alpha. Your mom is being completely, utterly unreasonable and stop arguing with her. There is no discussion. Decision made. Move on.

She's ruining what is supposed to be an extraordinarily amazing time in your lives. Draw a firm boundary and be done with it.

As a side note: I'm sorry she's being like this. I know my MIL wanted to be at my births (I've had 3 kids) and while I love her, it would have been a nightmare with her there, because my labor/delivery/parenting philosophy is so different. And she can't keep her mouth shut. My husband didn't have to fight with her, but he did make it clear that this was *our* decision, and it was final.
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: athomeintheworld on January 12, 2014, 05:28:34 PM
My husband and I are wrestling with this now. We have decided on a no-grandparents policy for a *month* after the birth. My husband and I will both be on leave during that time, and we are looking forward to having some privacy to figure out our family of three before the grandparents arrive. I love my mom, and I know she would be helpful, but I want to give my husband an opportunity to seize his role as my partner in parenting, before my mom gets too involved. My mom is unhappy with this arrangement, but I'm holding firm.  I think you're being very generous to your mother, and I'm sorry she's being so unreasonable.

Yes!  Good for you.  We did this, though for 3 weeks.  BEST decision ever.  It takes time to become a family, and I think that time with just the 3 of you is SO precious.  Enjoy it.  You will have to fight for it - as you are finding, but it is so worth it! 
Also side note - if breastfeeding, this also takes time to get.  I was more comfortable figuring this out at home with just my husband and I, rather than too many well meaning family members with opinions, etc etc :)
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: milla on January 12, 2014, 06:52:45 PM
Stop discussing this with your mother. Don't tell her your wife is in labor. Why do you continue to engage in this? Say no. Say mom if you bring up the delivery room the conversation is over and then follow through. If she would just show up alert the hospital staff and register as private so they can't confirm or deny your presence there. Don't answer the phone. Seriously, why is this hard? Just don't talk about it. As long as you continue to engage she thinks there's something to discuss. If she dhows up at your door you close it. See you in a week!
My MIL lives two houses away from me, I had home births and she still didn't see the kid till two weeks later. Because that's what I like.
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: TomTX on January 12, 2014, 07:24:26 PM
We kept the grandparents away for a month (none of them are local.) Things were really rough for us, both L&D and the first few weeks. My sister and some friends did come and help out.

Be firm, keep her AWAY until your wife is ready.
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: ace1224 on January 13, 2014, 07:13:39 AM
i think it is up to the person giving birth.

i personally practically had a party up in there.  my mom, dad, brother, mil, fil, bil, cousin and best friend were in the room until it was time to push.  the hospital had a policy that only two people were allowed in when pushing happened so i picked my boyfriend and my mommy.  everyone else came in like 2 minutes after he was born. and then my mom moved in with me and the boyfriend for 3 weeks to help out afterwords. 
but that's what I wanted.  had i not wanted that it would have been a nightmare.  and i agree with milla just don't tell mom when she's in labor.  especially since she's being unreasonable.
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: rockstache on January 13, 2014, 08:02:13 AM
Just to agree with what everyone else is saying - I am not a parent, but I have a feeling if you "cave," now, you will be caving (or regretting it) for the rest of your kid's childhood. Set a precedent now!!
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: oldtoyota on January 13, 2014, 09:33:41 AM
I would think the woman giving birth gets the one and only vote on that matter.

This. And, they should stay in a hotel if they plan to visit later. And they should bring food.

Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: AllChoptUp on January 13, 2014, 12:33:02 PM
My rule was no one in the labor room who wasn't ready to work.  That meant 30+ hours of giving back massages, helping me in and out of the shower, feeding me, etc.  Natural childbirth was awesome but it wore out all 4 of us (me, hubby, doula and adult step-daughter).

Recovering from birth and dealing with a newborn is very stressful...please don't add anything negative to the mix after baby comes.  Stress can prevent prevent successful breastfeeding, especially in a first time mother. 

Anyone staying with you after you come home from the hospital is there to assist only.  Cooking, cleaning, laundry and (maybe) occasional baby-holding.  I deeply appreciated female relatives (I wasn't comfortable being topless in front of my Dad) who stayed with us and were so helpful in feeding me and my exhausted husband and keeping our house running.  They knew they weren't guests at all...they were more like servants! 

Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: GuitarStv on January 13, 2014, 01:03:20 PM
I would think the woman giving birth gets the one and only vote on that matter.

This is the only valid answer right here.


Our son was just born mid December of 2013 so everything's very fresh in my mind.  My wife had a difficult birth, 23 hrs of labour, screaming, blood, complications, etc.  You do not want ANYTHING that's going to make the woman giving birth more uncomfortable than she already is.  Don't get me wrong, grandparents are great and they can be a tremendous help around the house after the baby is born (my wife could barely walk for a week) . . . but there has to be respect for the comfort of the woman doing all the work.
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: Capsu78 on January 13, 2014, 01:54:59 PM
Agree with many posters-  Baby momma gets to call the guest list.  For my 2 grandkids (both premies), she wanted her husband and her Mom in the room, and her sister close by.  I just did what I was told!

In the case of the second grandchild, I had the awesome duty of watching over "big sister" while "little bruder" was entering the world.  It is a day I will never forget.

So many good things can come about at a time like this... my only comment might be taking the posture that " I am trying to deliver a healthy baby here... Talking about this topic is making me upset.  I have already expressed my wishes.  Did I mention I am trying to deliver a healthy baby here?"
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: PantsOnFire on January 13, 2014, 02:26:38 PM
Do whatever you want and if anyone (other than mom or dad or the medical professionals attending) can't agree with that, they are an asshole and that's one more reason they shouldn't be there. 

We set a firm rule that no one would be seeing us or our baby on birth day, and no one would be staying with us until we were good and ready (weeks later).  Once people got used to that idea, everything went smoothly. 

And I'll disagree with the posters that say only mom gets a vote.  Dad gets a vote.  Mom and the professionals have veto power. 
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: Capsu78 on January 13, 2014, 03:39:10 PM
  Dad gets a vote. 

And Dad's vote should be:

Off with their heads,
Off with their heads,
By order of the King...
You heard what she said!

Dad's not the one with his bum hanging out of the nightgown!  :-)
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: Bigote on January 13, 2014, 04:14:02 PM
  Dad gets a vote. 

And Dad's vote should be:

Off with their heads,
Off with their heads,
By order of the King...
You heard what she said!

Dad's not the one with his bum hanging out of the nightgown!  :-)

Exactly.   Dad gets a vote about who can be in the hospital waiting room, or who can visit at home later, but certainly not about who is in the delivery room.   
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: PantsOnFire on January 14, 2014, 08:28:12 AM
I feel bad for you folks who don't get a vote.  My wife has the final say, but she allows me to voice my opinion.  Again, my condolences. 
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: aglassman on January 14, 2014, 09:27:05 AM
My MIL was in the delivery room the whole time helping out.  It was a life saver.  Also, I'd definitely take up having the parents there the first week. It can be a lot more stressful than you'd imagine.  I know it's cliche to say, but you will really want to sleep.  If someone else is there to watch baby, you can get in a few MUCH NEEDED naps!
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: prosaic on January 14, 2014, 10:05:18 AM
Of course the father should express his opinion, but ultimately labor and delivery puts a woman in the single most vulnerable position in her life, raw and flayed, vagina and anus hanging out for the delivery room occupants to see (or cut open with intestines and organs on display), pain and struggle a second-by-second experience of undetermined time (with the exception of a scheduled c-section) and an emotional and physical journey without parallel.

She gets to decide. Period.
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: TrulyStashin on January 14, 2014, 10:17:14 AM
i think it is up to the person giving birth.

i personally practically had a party up in there.  my mom, dad, brother, mil, fil, bil, cousin and best friend were in the room until it was time to push.  the hospital had a policy that only two people were allowed in when pushing happened so i picked my boyfriend and my mommy.  everyone else came in like 2 minutes after he was born. and then my mom moved in with me and the boyfriend for 3 weeks to help out afterwords. 
but that's what I wanted.  had i not wanted that it would have been a nightmare.  and i agree with milla just don't tell mom when she's in labor.  especially since she's being unreasonable.

Agreed with all that this is highly personal. 

But I wanted to agree with this post to put a happy note out into this thread.  I had my husband, Mom and Grandmom at my daughter's 1990 birth in a non-hospital birthing center.  They were wonderful, supportive, kind, and understanding.  Having four generations of "Lewis Women" together right from the start was a very special thing.  This is due, in large part, to the kind of people Mom and Grandmom are/ were.  Grandmom is gone now and this is a treasured memory of mine.

For my son's birth at home in 1997, we had a crowd.  In fact, I don't remember how many people were there (I was focused on other things).  My husband supported my semi-standing position (yay, gravity).  My daughter held the flashlight for the Nurse-Midwife and cut the cord.  My best friend was there, with her daughter (age 8).  My dad was there to experience his first actual birth (dads didn't get to do that in '67, '68, and '71 when we were born).

Yeah, I'm not modest at all.  It was a great celebration.  We had fried chicken for dinner.

But I reiterate . . . it's what I WANTED.
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: Carrie on January 14, 2014, 10:24:49 AM
If a person is the least bit annoying, judgmental, hard to be around for whatever reason, that person should not, in any circumstance, be in the delivery room.

Labor will go much smoother without any added stressors.

My mother stopped by during my first labor, sat herself down with her knitting needles and regaled me with tales of her 3-4 hour labors and mentioned that I must be doing something wrong to be entering into my sixth hour.  When she left for dinner, I told the nurses not to let her back in --- voila! problem solved and I was able to have the relaxing birth experience I desired.  For the second child, we alerted no one that I was in labor, so there was no issue with pop-ins (also helps that I tend to give birth in the wee hours of the morning).

As far as out-of-town guests... if the person is the least bit annoying, or feels like they are the guest, they do not need to stay over in the first month or so.  If the visitors are willing to take on the role of housekeeper, personal chef and grocery shopper/errand runner --- fabulous.  They still don't need to stay in the house, but a local motel would be fine.  If, however, they will be a drain on finances, emotions, feel like they can insert opinions on baby's eating/sleeping/pooping habits -- they shouldn't be allowed in the door for the first month.  Breastfeeding/no sleep/ bleeding / exhaustion / pain & soreness / living in a night gown.... do not make for good house guest entertainment.

I had a houseguest stop by when my second baby was 6 weeks old.  She expected to hold the baby non stop and didn't offer help with chores.  That was semi-ok because I was back on my feet and able to cook/clean.  It would NOT HAVE BEEN OK in that first week or three.

That first week home is brutal, surreal, etc.  The biggest help is to have someone come and DROP OFF meals, hot meals even better; tell you that you look fabulous, and then quickly leave.

Good luck!  Be strong against the MIL.
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: Insanity on January 14, 2014, 10:48:46 AM
If a person is the least bit annoying, judgmental, hard to be around for whatever reason, that person should not, in any circumstance, be in the delivery room.


Sucks if that's the one giving birth ;-)

(sorry, I'm in a VERY sarcastic mood right now)
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: RetiredAt63 on January 14, 2014, 07:13:51 PM
One more reason to limit visitors - Mom may well be a sleep-deprived zombie for a few weeks, especially if she is breast-feeding and/or the baby and Mom are living in different time zones (one a lark, one an owl).  I was, I broke into tears at the slightest thing for a month afterwards.   And I found the best place for night feedings was in a comfortable chair in the living room, where we would both fall asleep.  I was very glad to have the house just to ourselves.
Title: Re: Should the grandparents be at the hospital for child birth?
Post by: Dicey on June 01, 2018, 07:11:20 AM
Occasionally, I fat finger an old post. I'm going to ignore the 120 day warning long enough to ponder whatever happened to the OP, spouse and mother. The kid is at least four years old by now. Hmmm...