Author Topic: Shopaholic  (Read 2644 times)

KBCB

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 156
  • Burning to Fire
Shopaholic
« on: September 08, 2020, 06:57:55 AM »
Long story shot: I am a shopaholic. I have been trying to get a handle on it for years.

I have periods of time where I do great and have momentum to get my spending under control. As soon as my emotions get the better of me I start shopping for the shoppers high and excitement of new items. I shop more when I am stressed/depressed/anxious. Like an emotional eater, I am an emotional shopper. 

My shopping has again gotten out of control and I feel so defeated.

Any advise out there?

Kris

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7335
Re: Shopaholic
« Reply #1 on: September 08, 2020, 07:03:57 AM »
Long story shot: I am a shopaholic. I have been trying to get a handle on it for years.

I have periods of time where I do great and have momentum to get my spending under control. As soon as my emotions get the better of me I start shopping for the shoppers high and excitement of new items. I shop more when I am stressed/depressed/anxious. Like an emotional eater, I am an emotional shopper. 

My shopping has again gotten out of control and I feel so defeated.

Any advise out there?

Have you read through the MMM blog? There is a lot in there about looking unflinchingly at your inner hedonist/materialist.

I’d also suggest yoga and meditation. Being happy with now, and cultivating an attitude of abundance, will help you to realize that more things don’t make you happier. They just make you more anxious.

cool7hand

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1319
Re: Shopaholic
« Reply #2 on: September 08, 2020, 07:13:07 AM »

terran

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3796
Re: Shopaholic
« Reply #3 on: September 08, 2020, 08:19:01 AM »
I haven't struggled with this myself, so take this with a grain of salt, but I think any barriers you can put in place would be a good idea. try to get off catalog mailing lists, cancel magazine subscriptions or throw them away without reading them (especially if they're related to what you shop for), unsubscribe from promotional email lists, delete you credit card any time you make a purchase online, set your password on shopping sites to something hard to remember and don't write it down (so you have to request a password reset next time), delete sites from your history/bookmarks, install one of those browser extensions that block certain sites and set it to block your favorite shopping sites, try different ad blockers to reduce the number of reminders to shop.

If in person shopping is something you struggle with try changing your driving routes, try doing most of your shopping at grocery stores to reduce impulse purchase opportunities even if it costs a little more than a big box store, for things you can't get at the grocery store try shopping somewhere that will tempt you less (Walmart instead of Target, say), always shop with a list, if there's someone else in your household who can do the required shopping have them do it, try doing grocery pickup or delivery and see if that reduces impulse purchases.

Basically anything you can think of to disrupt old patterns and give yourself time to think. You obviously don't want to shop as much as you do, so if you can break habits and give your brain time to override your impulses that should help.

There's a book called The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg that might help. I won't link to a page where you can buy it. See if you can get it from the library. Actually, there's another idea: "shop" at the library (or online for pickup if your library is currently doing that). You still get to shop, but the purchases are free.

LifeHappens

  • Senior Mustachian
  • ********
  • Posts: 12158
  • Location: Tampa-ish
Re: Shopaholic
« Reply #4 on: September 08, 2020, 09:20:34 AM »
Perhaps you should consider joining SA: https://theshulmancenter.com/overspending-shopping-addiction.html.
+1. Overspending is just as much an addiction as cocaine. If you are truly struggling with addictive behaviors, you need professional help. Does your employer offer an EAP program? A few sessions with a counselor and a referral to more specialized support could help you get started on changing your behaviors.

SunnyDays

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3489
Re: Shopaholic
« Reply #5 on: September 08, 2020, 09:25:15 AM »
Like any addiction, you need to get at the root of the problem.  What are you stressed/depressed/anxious about?  Are these just short-term emotions that you don't/won't allow yourself to feel without the quick fix of shopping or are they more deep seated and pervasive?  If the former, then behavioral changes like Terran has suggested will help; if the latter, perhaps therapy is needed.  Either way, it's good that you want to address it before it financially or emotionally ruins your life.  Take it seriously and do whatever you have to do to help yourself.

wenchsenior

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3789
Re: Shopaholic
« Reply #6 on: September 08, 2020, 10:06:43 AM »
Like any addiction, you need to get at the root of the problem.  What are you stressed/depressed/anxious about?  Are these just short-term emotions that you don't/won't allow yourself to feel without the quick fix of shopping or are they more deep seated and pervasive?  If the former, then behavioral changes like Terran has suggested will help; if the latter, perhaps therapy is needed.  Either way, it's good that you want to address it before it financially or emotionally ruins your life.  Take it seriously and do whatever you have to do to help yourself.

100% agree.  One of the challenges is that when people remove their addictive behavior (whatever it is), they are frequently left with the underlying problem that they used the addiction to help cope with. So stopping the addictive behavior (which can seem like a hard enough challenge on its own) is often only the first step to a longer process of dealing with the underlying issues, and also in developing healthy and productive alternative coping mechanisms. 

KBCB

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 156
  • Burning to Fire
Re: Shopaholic
« Reply #7 on: September 08, 2020, 11:21:44 AM »
Like any addiction, you need to get at the root of the problem.  What are you stressed/depressed/anxious about?  Are these just short-term emotions that you don't/won't allow yourself to feel without the quick fix of shopping or are they more deep seated and pervasive?  If the former, then behavioral changes like Terran has suggested will help; if the latter, perhaps therapy is needed.  Either way, it's good that you want to address it before it financially or emotionally ruins your life.  Take it seriously and do whatever you have to do to help yourself.

100% agree.  One of the challenges is that when people remove their addictive behavior (whatever it is), they are frequently left with the underlying problem that they used the addiction to help cope with. So stopping the addictive behavior (which can seem like a hard enough challenge on its own) is often only the first step to a longer process of dealing with the underlying issues, and also in developing healthy and productive alternative coping mechanisms.

I am currently going down that avenue. I have been seeing a counselor but I am not sure it is the right fit for me. I am going to my primary doctor to discuss mental health this week. I am thinking I might be referred out to a psychiatrist.

DeniseNJ

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 777
Re: Shopaholic
« Reply #8 on: September 08, 2020, 11:37:00 AM »
I second breaking your routine and putting barriers in your way as well as removing temptation. I unsubscribed from youtube channels that reveiwed products I liked to buy, etc.  I also put a freeze on my credit cards and canceled some.  Also, seeing your doc is a great idea.  They may recommend cognitive behavioral therapy and/or medication.  You also need to find soemthing else to do when you are stressed/sad/depressed/lonely etc.

asauer

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 848
  • Location: North Carolina
Re: Shopaholic
« Reply #9 on: September 08, 2020, 12:36:16 PM »
I used to be an emotional shopper as well.  Here are three things that really helped me.  I got it under full control over about 10 months:

1. Therapy.  Yes, talk to a therapist who can use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to get a handle on the behavior.  This was huge for me.  I did therapy (Talkspace) for 6 months
2. Whenever you get ready to buy something add up your purchases and equate it to something you really want to save for.  For example:  "This Target shopping cart is equal to 25% of a beach vacation."  or "This wool rug is equal to 3 weeks salary".  This really helped alert me to whether I was spending within my values or spending emotionally.
3. This step was the hardest.  Unsubscribe from ALL stores/websites that sell stuff.  Get rid of ALL loyalty punch cards.  DO NOT grocery shop at big box stores unless that is all you have available.  Cancel Amazon Prime if you have it.  Removing the spending triggers goes a really long way to making one more mindful around spending.

MaybeBabyMustache

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5351
    • My Wild Ride to FI
Re: Shopaholic
« Reply #10 on: September 08, 2020, 12:44:14 PM »
You've gotten lots of great advice about ways to understand root cause & solve that, plus putting up barriers. In addition to that, one thing that really helps me is to consider how much resale value something has if I change my mind about it. I sell a lot of stuff on eBay. I wouldn't describe myself as a shopaholic, and have always stayed within pre-defined limits that we can afford. But, when I'm emotional, I spend on things I don't typically like/want/need/enjoy. I've been selling it & taking a ruthless eye at my closet. This has a few effects for me. 1) it helps me realize how little I actually need, and how much happier I am when my space is decluttered. 2) I see that clothing I thought I might like but didn't fit/didn't look right/I just never wore is often worth less than 10% of its original value. And, that's if you get lucky & can sell it all.

Making myself step through both thoughts (is this a need, and am I confident I want this. Does it have a good return option if not?) has really helped me. Selling stuff I shouldn't have bought on eBay is a great daily reminder to myself & helps me from doing additional impulse shopping.

ctuser1

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1741
Re: Shopaholic
« Reply #11 on: September 08, 2020, 01:34:47 PM »
I'd suggest that you replace one obsession with another.

Maybe you can start collecting miles/points using credit card sign ups? At the beginning I'd avoid straight up cash bonuses. Optimizing miles/points is a massive labyrinth that will keep you busy for years just to learn the ropes well enough, and it will also satisfy the itch to collect something new every so often.

I was a compulsive buyer of "stuff". I have a $800 "camcoder" that I used precisely once, because it was going on sale. I keep that in front of me to remind myself of my bad habits. I even did "extreme couponing" for a couple of years. I purchased a LOT of unnecessary stuff (just because "coupon") and wasted a lot of money (yes, you still waste money doing extreme couponing when you buy totally unnecessary stuff).

Long story short, I've grown up and out of that now. However, I had to take a detour through Credit Card points/miles, bank bonuses etc. I found the new hobby useful in curbing my impulsive purchasing habits.



TrMama

  • Guest
Re: Shopaholic
« Reply #12 on: September 08, 2020, 04:12:42 PM »
How are you paying for the items? We were able to get MIL's shopping problem more under control by putting her on a strict allowance, removing overdraft from her checking account, and decreasing her only credit card limit down to a reasonable level. DH managed the rest of her finances so she couldn't easily access her stash. She consented to all this and was happier and more relaxed afterward.

Granted, none of this addressed the underlying reason she shopped, but it did have a huge impact on keeping her solvent. Is there someone in your life you trust to do something like this? You still should do the work to solve whatever the underlying problem is, but having help in the meantime can get you on a better track.

KBCB

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 156
  • Burning to Fire
Re: Shopaholic
« Reply #13 on: September 09, 2020, 07:12:28 AM »
Thank you for some great advice. It's hard to pinpoint my triggers or habits but I started unsubscribing from promotional emails as my first step. I also am planning on going to see a doctor on mental health to pin point triggers and coping skills other than shopping for distraction.

It seems ridiculous to me that I just can't stop shopping. Like how hard can it be, just don't shop. But it is my struggle and man am I struggling. 

I appreciate all the kind helpful comments. It took some guts to for me to post this. I take this as a sign that I am ready for change.

wenchsenior

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3789
Re: Shopaholic
« Reply #14 on: September 09, 2020, 09:43:49 AM »
Thank you for some great advice. It's hard to pinpoint my triggers or habits but I started unsubscribing from promotional emails as my first step. I also am planning on going to see a doctor on mental health to pin point triggers and coping skills other than shopping for distraction.

It seems ridiculous to me that I just can't stop shopping. Like how hard can it be, just don't shop. But it is my struggle and man am I struggling. 

I appreciate all the kind helpful comments. It took some guts to for me to post this. I take this as a sign that I am ready for change.

Addictive behaviors are difficult to break b/c they are physiologically addictive.  That seems dumb, but it's true.

Your particular brain releases extra pleasure chemicals in response to shopping, which teaches your brain to build a neural network that supports doing more of that behavior.  It's not a flaw, it's just how brains work in general.   First our brain associates this behavior with closely related things (e.g., socializing with friends by going to the mall) and links the desire to shop with 'hanging out with friends'.  But eventually, like Pavlov's dog, our brain will build links between this behavior and all sorts of triggers that seem unrelated at first glance.  What does a fight with your mother have to do with wanting to shop, you ask?  Nothing, probably, except that at some point along the way, our brain learned that the dopamine, etc. chemical burst from shopping is a good way to feel better anytime we feel uncomfortable emotions (like after a fight).  Soon, any stressful interaction with Mom will become a trigger to want to shop.  Soon, any feeling of stress at ALL will become a trigger to want to shop.

Our brains didn't evolve to be able to satisfy the 'pleasure principle' at the rate we can now, and it causes problems for A LOT of people.  Addictive substances, gambling, porn/sex, shopping, internet browsing, gaming.  It's all the same brain software getting hijacked for non-optimal purposes.

It's not a character flaw in you, OP.  It's just a reality that some people are more vulnerable than others to particular pleasure-creating activities (or just to pleasure-neurotransmitters release in general) either through conditioning or genetically or both.  So in this particular arena of addictive behavior, and you need to learn how to specifically cope with that, develop skills related to that, and then work on designing your life so that you reduce your trigger exposure and learn better methods of coping with your triggers when they happen. That's what addiction counseling is for.

MissPeach

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 352
Re: Shopaholic
« Reply #15 on: September 11, 2020, 03:42:27 PM »
There is a blog called recovering shopaholic that might be interesting since she addresses different approaches she went through to get it under control and what her motivations for shopping were.


Mmm_Donuts

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 410
Re: Shopaholic
« Reply #16 on: September 11, 2020, 03:51:55 PM »
Check out the book The Craving Mind by Judson Brewer. It's about addictions in general, but he really breaks down what is going on in the mind when we're addicted to anything. I read it a while ago but it seems like it would be really helpful in this situation.

The gist - he has worked with addicts as a psychiatrist / neuroscientist and developed a program that helps them recognize their behaviour and change habits. From what I recall, he has people sit through their cravings mindfully, not reacting to them but simply observing. It's difficult to do at first, but gradually over time the cravings and habits unravel, because we're not repeating the trigger / action / reward cycle.

Rosy

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2742
  • Location: Florida
Re: Shopaholic
« Reply #17 on: September 12, 2020, 03:09:22 PM »
Thank you for some great advice. It's hard to pinpoint my triggers or habits but I started unsubscribing from promotional emails as my first step. I also am planning on going to see a doctor on mental health to pin point triggers and coping skills other than shopping for distraction.

It seems ridiculous to me that I just can't stop shopping. Like how hard can it be, just don't shop. But it is my struggle and man am I struggling. 

I appreciate all the kind helpful comments. It took some guts to for me to post this. I take this as a sign that I am ready for change.

@KBCB
I feel for ya, been there - done that!
The struggle is real and there were times when it felt like physical pain - how ridiculous is that?:)
If willpower alone would help you would no longer be a shopaholic.

I noticed that you participate in the "no shopping for clothing in 2020" gauntlet. It is a good start - I don't think it matters how you start.
What matters is that you continue to drill down and examine your feelings - especially the ones you'd rather not say out loud.

What or who do you hear in your mind when you struggle with a purchase or despair over spending you were determined not to do?
Is it time to kick that belief or person in the teeth? Is it time to change your assumptions?
What really prompted you to buy - despite your best intentions?

You are not weak or stupid - all you have to do is re-direct your money. That was an epiphany for me.
I am a highly emotional person and money and emotions do not mix. I wanted to optimize, have my money work better for me.
Yet, I kept repeating the same cycle - what kind of financial dingbat does that?

When - how - why did it all start for you? Why did you at the time think that it was a good decision to spend your money in this way?
Shockingly - I could trace my shopping addiction to the time when I thought/felt like this was all the pleasure I had left in life.
I was sick, alone at home, dealt with anxiety and depression and confusing changes in my life - I thought I was doing something good for myself - giving myself a lift, maybe even make some money with some clever gemstone buys (which ultimately I did, I lucked out but not by much, I offset my spending sprees).
Three years later I was in a better place - but - stuck with a raging jewelry/gemstone addiction, that seemed impossible to shake.
How the hell did I get here?

I felt the gamut of feelings and irrational justifications,
 "defiance" - I want it - why can't I just have it?  - like a three-year-old throwing a tantrum.
I'm a grown woman, why haven't I managed to make enough money to buy what I want? I'm a failure, this is all so depressing. I'll never ...
OK, I get it - I can see how the $$$ spent shopping interfere with my goals - make them impossible - at best delay them or worse drag me down!

What's wrong with me, why I can't stop buying jewelry?, that's just downright silly, isn't it?
Poor me - other people don't have to think twice when they want to buy something - I hate them, especially the ones who have no desire to buy anything even though they can?
I deserve something to lift my spirits, oh look shiny, so beautiful - I want it, consequences be damned...

Later on: Life sucks - I deserve a little something for sticking to my other goals or making X happen...
Yeah well - I wasn't "there" yet and was making my financial life unnecessarily complicated and my goals harder to reach.
Can you say self-sabotage?

Justification (while I still could:) - it's really not that bad, I can buy it at zero interest and pay it off in six months or a year and enjoy that pretty ring. Really, I'm being smart, I got a good deal and I get rewards points.
Justification for buying lots of little stuff, which in the end proved to be an unsatisfactory, poor choice. I added insult to injury by setting a low limit - allowance to buy. Dumb move!

That didn't work since now I had a bunch of little stuff when in reality I would have preferred one expensive necklace instead.
It felt like a huge waste of money that I can never get back... and strangely enough that helped me to suddenly say "NO".
I don't want all this crap - I'll wait till X-mas and ask for it as a gift. Not the ultimate solution - but it was a breakthrough in a weird way.

... and so it went.

It took me two long years to get a grip. It was like a fever that took forever to shake.
The first year I tried cold turkey - stop buying with middling results.
It was a roller coaster of feelings - anything from feeling depressed to feeling defeated when I made a purchase.
 
My track record was two months no buying. Caved. Three months no buying. Caved.
Until I made it to six months no buying and crashed big time - spend a lot of money.
Damned, I was so over myself not having the strength to just say NO and be done with it.
I knew I was in trouble and I got good and mad!!!

Year two - Lucky for me, I found a gauntlet thread called - "No gazingus pins in 2018" - We all had different buying addictions (nailpolish, candles, gift cards, jewelry, books, yarn, art supplies, sewing supplies, clothing, tea) and talked about our feelings, successes and triumphs in that thread for a whole year. It was a rough road but it helped me to discuss it from different perspectives and see how others struggled.

Because I had already tried on on my own for a year I found that now that I had support and people who understood what a struggle it was - I was able to stop. The fascinating insights and comments where all I needed to succeed rather early on and stick it out until December.
Initially I thought I'd splurge for my birthday in January - but I never did - it was finally over.

It isn't really about money or shopping - it is about emotions, our upbringing, current circumstances, old beliefs-wrong or right, our willingness to make different decisions going forward. Sometimes like in my case - it is triggered by a particular situation we find ourselves in late in life.
I no longer feel that painful draw to buy or possess or acquire - good riddance. L knows that was never me.

Take heart, you will get there - don't beat yourself up over it.
It is an addiction, so you might take one step forward and find yourself two steps back, it happens. Forgive yourself and do better next time.
You can do this - because once you decided to change - success will be yours.

Sorry for the long post - I hope it helps.

draco44

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 527
Re: Shopaholic
« Reply #18 on: September 12, 2020, 09:29:01 PM »
Thank you for some great advice. It's hard to pinpoint my triggers or habits but I started unsubscribing from promotional emails as my first step. I also am planning on going to see a doctor on mental health to pin point triggers and coping skills other than shopping for distraction.

It seems ridiculous to me that I just can't stop shopping. Like how hard can it be, just don't shop. But it is my struggle and man am I struggling. 

I appreciate all the kind helpful comments. It took some guts to for me to post this. I take this as a sign that I am ready for change.

@KBCB
I feel for ya, been there - done that!
The struggle is real and there were times when it felt like physical pain - how ridiculous is that?:)
If willpower alone would help you would no longer be a shopaholic.

I noticed that you participate in the "no shopping for clothing in 2020" gauntlet. It is a good start - I don't think it matters how you start.
What matters is that you continue to drill down and examine your feelings - especially the ones you'd rather not say out loud.

What or who do you hear in your mind when you struggle with a purchase or despair over spending you were determined not to do?
Is it time to kick that belief or person in the teeth? Is it time to change your assumptions?
What really prompted you to buy - despite your best intentions?
...

...Take heart, you will get there - don't beat yourself up over it.
It is an addiction, so you might take one step forward and find yourself two steps back, it happens. Forgive yourself and do better next time.
You can do this - because once you decided to change - success will be yours.

OP, it sounds like you are already making great progress by thinking through your behavior patterns and looking for help. You are doing great! I second the other commenters on encouraging you to look beneath the purchases themselves to see what deeper (and totally valid) emotional need you might be trying to fill. That examination process may help you figure out a way to meet the same goal without spending.

Your post reminded me of the "drinking flask" story in this old MMM post:
https://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2013/09/20/wealth-advice-that-should-be-obvious/
Also, this: https://theoldmoneybook.com/2015/03/18/return-the-master/

People generally want to feel good about themselves and their accomplishments in life [or progress towards something better], be able to express themselves in some way, and be admired by, or at least treated fairly by, other human beings. When you purchase something that's more want than need, it's common that just before you buy it, you're on some level imagining how your life will be made "better" by having that thing in it. I see from the other comments that clothing is a category of shopping you are working on. So for example, before you push that "buy now" button for clothes, maybe your "trigger" is that on some level you're thinking something like this:

- I want to be respected as an expert in my field. This suit will help others take me seriously and help my boss think of me as someone worthy of promotion.
- I am a free-spirited, fun, big-hearted person. This colorful scarf will show off my personality and make me approachable and admired for my daring style.
- I am a smart person who is proud of my quirky personality. This band- or nerd-culture themed t-shirt will show like-minded people that I am funny. People who share my interests will want to be my friend.

Or maybe the mental monologue is something more like:
- I worry that I am boring/average/ugly. There's nothing new/impressive/attractive about me. Buying these shoes will add something exciting/unexpected/beautiful to my life.

The thing is, there's some truth in all these "shopping fantasies." It's not a good idea to give that big presentation at the office in your pjs, and new things ARE exciting, at least for a little while. But a purchase is rarely a one-and-done solution to any challenge worth having. You want to be respected at the office? You have to put in the work every day and do well at what you were hired to do. You want to express yourself and find friends? Work to be more confident in your essential worth as a human being, as well as being unashamed of your likes and dislikes, and be respectful of other people and their interests. Keep learning new things. Find a way to give back to your community. That sort of thing. That kind of work isn't easy, and lord knows I'm not perfect at following my own advice.  But investing in striving toward the deeper things you want out of life will likely cost less and make you happier in the long-term.

Good luck! It sounds like you are doing a great job so far.

« Last Edit: September 12, 2020, 09:34:25 PM by draco44 »