—Two factors of isolation:
time and
space. People have such limited autonomy over their time that socializing first has to surpass the hurdle of coordinating calendars, and then people feel such pressure to "use time efficiently" that socializing is increasingly coordinated around an activity, rather than left unstructured. Public space has been diminished, and people have been literally
spread out by suburban sprawl.
—We've culturally lost the "skills" involved in hanging out—Liming defines "hanging out" is "doing 'not much' with other people." Not putting expectations on what that time has to do or produce.
—Google Calendar invitations weeks in advance vs having the autonomy over time to enjoy spontaneity, to "improvise" socially.
—Living with roommates or extended family and just having people around all the time! Is the default of your life oriented towards community or towards private space (which is inherently isolating). Liming comments on sub-Reddits idealizing the notion of having a huge property miles away from any neighbors. "A lot of what it comes down to is fantasies of control—that it feels like we're more in control when we can say yes or no to certain kinds of interactions, whereas if we're living in close proximity with other people we have to cede control...about whether the dishes are dirty in the sink... but that itself comes with its own rewards... it reorients us towards other priorities: community," etc. etc..
—They recommend this Anne Helen Petersen article
"You'd Be Happier Living Closer to Friends. Why Don't You?"—Socioeconomic class dimension: the average adult in the US lives only 18 miles from their mother, 80% of US adults live less than 2 hours away... but if you have a college degree, you're much more likely to live further away from home. Richer people get more mobile and more atomized. People are promised that college will grant them more career opportunities, and then are acculturated to pursue those career opportunities far away, moving all around the country/world if needed.
—Liming describes the "itinerant lifestyle" necessary to succeed in academia (and many other fields), where you must learn an entirely new set of social skills in order to make friends quickly in new places. People who move around and don't learn those skills end up in this growing share of incredibly isolated people.
—Ezra describes how many of these norms of itinerancy are less destructive for one in their 20s without commitments to marriage or children, but become increasingly problematic after having children. Emphasis on the
nuclear family plays a large role in atomization.
—"Chosen family" vs unchosen relationships with actual family—familial bonds can enforce a social connection even when things aren't perfect or easy.
—Single family zoning homogenizing housing options—more communal-oriented housing is often not even an available
choice, even for those who might want it. Co-housing (smaller private spaces with shared amenities with other in the community) could generate more organic relationships with neighbors, but is not even an available option in many locations.
—College "the best years of your life!" So many people nostalgize college because they have this abundance of un-structured time and public spaces oriented for the ease of "hanging out." But the cultural pressure towards home-ownership in single family suburbs is the exact opposite of this environment that people
loved!
—Ezra points out it should be
obvious how suburban home ownership is a driver of atomization, but we don't tend to treat it that way. "We treat loneliness as a problem, but we don't really treat the social conditions that give rise to it as worthy of any real revision." Liming responds: "In American culture in particular, privacy and private space... are viewed as the basic ingredients for pride... It's [viewed as] difficult for you to achieve dignity or feel proud of yourself if you lack them."
—Ezra references "
The Nuclear Family Was a Mistake" by David Brooks. More Americans
are living in extended family households since the 1950-'65 era of the nuclear family, but we're still attached to the nuclear family as an ideal, even when it's not in line with reality. (I assume there's another correlation of socioeconomic class and college education at play here.)
—Hanging out with extended family can be a
release from the claustrophobia of the nuclear family.
—Richer people "buy their way out of it." Out-sourcing childcare and household work can make up for the absence of extended family being around to share the load.
—Third places (between home and work) are particularly not accessible to the middle class. The rich outsource household tasks and can afford to go out. Poorer people and immigrant cultures often have more extended family support and access to community centers outside the house. But middle class people often try to emulate the lifestyle of the rich without enough resources to actually do so.
—In recent poll
79% of people aged 18 to 24 reported feeling lonely vs only 41% of seniors 66+. Can partially be attributed to the pandemic, but this trend pre-dated COVID.
—Young people on campuses all on their own phones and not talking to each other. Fear of the risk of starting a conversation with someone you don't know yet vs digitally interacting with someone you're already comfortable with. Substituting digital interactions for in-person is a
partial explanation.
—Counter-productive behaviors cultivated online: 1) curating self-presentation on the internet, 2) easy to block or ignore someone you don't want to interact with anymore, or merely let a text conversation drift to an end.
—Distinguishing between working through anger with someone you do want to have an on-going relationship with, vs simply cutting off someone you're "done" with. The latter is much easier online, and then trickles into real-world interpersonal conflict.
—Walking around with headphones is a relatively recent invention in human history, and still going up rapidly. Headphone use as a response to
intentionally avoid undesired interactions (I am definitely guilty of this—grabbing my headphones when I go out for a walk is completely reflexive for me at this point.)
—Social norms around talking to strangers in public have changed rapidly—Ezra comments on noticeable reduction in "normal, neighborly interaction" within his adulthood. The idea that interacting with a stranger in public is an unwelcome intrusion has become
rapidly normalized.
—Ezra: "...changing attitude towards social risk, particularly for children... a lot of parents seem to have defaulted into an almost terror of social awkwardness, misbehavior, or danger for their children, which seems to be contributing to this much larger danger of terrible teen mental health and self-harm."
—Liming: "Awkwardness is part of our emotional landscape, there's no real way to avoid it... I think the idea of shielding a kid, or anybody else, from awkwardness is itself sort of silly, because that awkwardness is just going to take place all the same under different circumstances."
—The workplace as one of the few remaining places to "hang out," now on the decline due to work from home normalization. Having friends at work (obviously) enhances the experience of the work. Even hybrid work setups can have a cost in terms of long-term relationships with co-workers.
—For this college-educated itinerant class, work friends were often the first friends in a new place. The atomization of the workplace (including hybrid setups, where you may see your coworkers in person sometimes, but don't have nearly as aligned of a schedule) can have the worst consequences for new workers—the very young people having the most social problems right now.
—So many isolating behaviors (suburban home, headphones, work from home) are protective of annoyances and inconveniences, but have long-term consequences we don't reckon enough with.
—Considering value of various means of communication: the lost intimacy of letter-writing, newer trend of communicating in voice messages. How much time teens used to spend talking to each other on the phone before the ubiquity of texting. Video calls feel worse than audio-only?