Self esteem and financial security

[non geordie beth]

Wondered what you all think about how self esteem affects your finances.

I'm in my late 30s, intelligent, capable of hard work, friendly, widely recognised in work as being capable of more than I do. And yet... I don't.

I dropped out of university at the age of 21... rather unfortunately, after being there for three years, so my CV looks like I did a full degree and just didn't bother graduating. After that I fell into an office job (had already applied for a summer job at my dad's office and got offered it at the right moment) that I stayed in for two years as I loved the people there. (Not a great reason... I know....)

My career path has been about 95% reactive. 'Want to move to City A; take any job there.' 'Want to move to City B; take any job there.' 'I hate this job, I'll take anything to get away.' I've always worked in the public sector and IMO I've always been really well paid for what I actually do (which has mostly been secretarial work). But I am so frigging BORED. I have been bored for most of my career. Within days of starting at my current job I know I'd made a mistake taking it (I had managed to take a step away from secretarial work at my previous job but they had messed around with my pay scales and it seemed unlikely that I'd ever get a job at the next grade) but I loved the woman I worked for so stayed anyway... then I loved the team I worked with so hey, I stayed. And as a bonus I think my organisation does great work, and it's nice being a cog in that machine. And for various reasons it's been a good place to be through a tough period in my life. But I've been there SEVEN YEARS now!

Anyway. Now our financial situation has got really precarious, and I find myself wanting to bring in some more money. I've checked out the threads on here about side gigs, I've read the MMM articles, I've read this article, and there is nothing that I feel I can do. Some of it is about timing; I only work part time but I have a two year old and he is very clingy, not very self sufficient when it comes to playing, and he takes an awful long time to get to sleep at nights, which cuts into my spare time.

But seriously: is there really nothing I can do? I highly doubt it.

I think I just have seriously low self esteem and self belief and as as result I can't see myself as actually bringing in any money other than what my organisation is contracted to pay me.

Just wondered, really, if that rung any bells with anyone else, and if anyone had any ideas of ways that I can combat this thinking.

{For the record: the ways of bringing in extra money that seem possible/realistic to me are

• Data entry
• designing and selling greetings cards
• blogging
• possibly leaflet distributing - I'd find it really hard to make myself do something so wasteful, but I could fit it round DS

And that's it. There is also fiction writing (short stories etc) - I do have a diploma in creative writing, and I've sold one story to a magazine previously, but I also know a lot of writers and even the successful ones work really hard for a pretty low hourly wage.}

[KMMK]

So do you want a side gig or do you want a better/different/more challenging main job that pays better? Because, in my opinion, it is easier to try to get more money within your present job or a similar job than it is to start making money in a side gig. And all the ideas you mention would require a significant time commitment with little to no chance of making any significant money for quite a while (sorry, not trying to be harsh here, just realistic. Those are the types of things I'm interested in as well, so I understand the appeal.)

You say people know you are capable of doing more at your current job. Is there anything else within the same company that you could transition into? Can you volunteer for projects? I've gotten ahead at work by always volunteering for any extra work that I wouldn't hate, especially if I can volunteer in front of more than one supervisor/manager and I can help some higher up with something they don't like to do. I try to stand out at work. I talk to my boss when other people in my department just keep their heads down and do their own work. I speak up at meetings when others don't. It doesn't matter if I don't say exactly the right thing or am even the best person for that particular job, as long as I don't mind doing what I volunteered for. I just want to get known within the company by all the managers.

So, I'd think about this as two issues. Your main job - what do you want there? Should you look for a new job?

And a side gig. Do you really want one? And if you think you have esteem issues it would probably help to pick something small that can give you a result right away. How about buying something undervalued on Craigslist (if you're in the states) or at a garage sell and reselling it for more money. Even earning $10 is good for motivation. What about a babysitting, house-sitting or dog-walking gig? You don't have to commit to doing any of those as an ongoing thing, but just making some kind of money immediately would be good. Can you tutor? Can you help someone learn English better? Just pick something small and easily accomplished, is my suggestion.

[2527]

My sincere advice is to start training your mind to think about what you can control and influence that his happening now or in the near future.  If you find yourself thinking about the past, things you can't control or influence, or the distance future (that is called daydreaming), stop and refocus your thoughts.  If you can really do this, you will end up having everything you want. 

[non geordie beth]

So do you want a side gig or do you want a better/different/more challenging main job that pays better? Because, in my opinion, it is easier to try to get more money within your present job or a similar job than it is to start making money in a side gig. And all the ideas you mention would require a significant time commitment with little to no chance of making any significant money for quite a while (sorry, not trying to be harsh here, just realistic. Those are the types of things I'm interested in as well, so I understand the appeal.)

Well. Both. Part of it is that recently my husband has been sacked and had to find another job at very short notice. And one of the things I've been hearing a lot recently is that if you have multiple income streams a setback like that is a lot more easy to manage - which, duh, yes of course, but it never really occurred to me before.

Data entry would be a time commitment but I'd be guaranteed pay... just not a huge amount. Leafleting ditto. Fair enough re blogging and cards, but I'm a bit puzzled by the suggestion it's not worthwhile pursuing the other two. I know I'm not going to make my fortune putting leaflets through doors or entering data, but it would be extra money to pay off my credit card.

You say people know you are capable of doing more at your current job. Is there anything else within the same company that you could transition into? Can you volunteer for projects? I've gotten ahead at work by always volunteering for any extra work that I wouldn't hate, especially if I can volunteer in front of more than one supervisor/manager and I can help some higher up with something they don't like to do. I try to stand out at work. I talk to my boss when other people in my department just keep their heads down and do their own work. I speak up at meetings when others don't. It doesn't matter if I don't say exactly the right thing or am even the best person for that particular job, as long as I don't mind doing what I volunteered for. I just want to get known within the company by all the managers.

So, I'd think about this as two issues. Your main job - what do you want there? Should you look for a new job?

Arrgh - relevant back story I forgot to include. My job is guaranteed for the next year, but after that I'm presuming it's highly unlikely to exist for more than a month or so. So it's highly unlikely that any opportunities are going to crop up. I already do all the stuff you're talking about; I would say all of the senior management team know me enough to say they like me, all except the one who's most recently come into post who I've never really had the chance to talk to for various reasons. There was one job that would've been perfect for me, but the postholder opted for vol redundancy and it was deleted. I was gutted, as the way we're structured opportunities at the grade up from me are a) rare and b) nearly always require specialisms I don't have. The deleted post was one of just two I could have done, and I'm pretty sure the other postholder will never ever leave.

And a side gig. Do you really want one? And if you think you have esteem issues it would probably help to pick something small that can give you a result right away. How about buying something undervalued on Craigslist (if you're in the states) or at a garage sell and reselling it for more money. Even earning $10 is good for motivation. What about a babysitting, house-sitting or dog-walking gig? You don't have to commit to doing any of those as an ongoing thing, but just making some kind of money immediately would be good. Can you tutor? Can you help someone learn English better? Just pick something small and easily accomplished, is my suggestion.

I want the side income and a challenge. I have no confidence in my ability to sell stuff; I'm trying to sell our clutter on ebay atm and find it incredibly stressful, but I need the money. Also the stuff I'm thinking of that I mentioned previously, the tax implications are a lot clearer. reselling something is taxable in the UK - the second I sell I need to do a tax return. If I resell one thing and then fail with everything else, that's an awful lot of paperwork for no reason.

I keep coming back to dog walking but wouldn't want to take DS which would severely limit time available to do so. Babysitting: I don't leave the house in the evenings because DS is a very bad sleeper and it's not worth the stress. House sitting... I think you mostly have to stay in the house you're sitting, no? And I doubt people would want me to take the rampant toddler!

Oh the other thing that I'm thinking of that I totally forgot to mention is training as a proofreader/copyeditor/both. I did think about a career move to there a while ago but after talking to a freelance friend decided not to; however as a 'spare time' thing I think I would make it work and I think I would enjoy it (it's something I do a lot in work and I'm everyone's first choice because I'm thorough!). But again it's quite a commitment of money and time and would be a long time before I would realistically be able to bring anything in.

My sincere advice is to start training your mind to think about what you can control and influence that his happening now or in the near future.  If you find yourself thinking about the past, things you can't control or influence, or the distance future (that is called daydreaming), stop and refocus your thoughts.  If you can really do this, you will end up having everything you want. 

Which is all very well, and I agree as far as it goes, but if all this is churning round in my subconscious I'm going to be sabotaging myself at every step. I need to work out how to move past it all, and going off my past experience, ignoring it and hoping my subconscious does the same is fated not to work. I'm not thinking every day 'oh god I wish I hadn't messed up uni'. But I think my subconscious thinks about it a lot more often than 'I' do.

[Frankies Girl]

There is actually several things you could also do.

You already have a toddler; what about organizing an informal "mother's day out" babysitting service in your home during your off time? You could do a Saturday morning or afternoon where you have "slots" open for 2-4 children where you would watch them in your home for a fee. It would only be one day a week, but could possibly bring in an extra $100 a week as well, and your little one could make some new friends (helps with socialization and separation anxiety issues to be around other children sometimes).

You could go back to school and finish up your degree. If you're so close that you just need a few credits, contact a nearby school and ask about transferring your credits, and take some classes (check to see what degree you'd be eligible for)  so you can officially get your degree. It would be both a boost on your resume (if you do decide to look elsewhere) and a self-esteem boost - you finally completed it and that is a big deal.

You emphasized that you'd been there seven years... are you happy there? You say you like the people you work with and the basic job so, staying someplace long term that has that going for it is NOT a bad thing. Is it because you feel like you have more potential than what is being tapped at this job (or would feel like that if your self-esteem was better)? If so, talk to your boss, and ask what else you can do to move up and grow with the company. If you're pretty much stuck, then I would probably look outside the job for other sources of fulfillment. If it's purely a money standpoint, then there are plenty of things you could do to make more money, but stop and ask yourself if you're equating money with self-worth.

But if it is a case of you must bring in more money, I'd go through the company you're currently with first (never hurts to ask - can you go full time? Get a raise? Work for a different department?) and then I'd start figuring out similar company job openings in the area.

One thing to remember - you are not your job. Self-esteem and self-worth are tricky little monsters. Don't define yourself in negative terms, and don't dwell on past mistakes.

[MrsPete]

Lots of things to say here:

- You have a two-year old.  Give yourself a break.  Two year olds aren't all that easy to manage, but this is not forever.  You'll be amazed at how different three will be:  Suddenly his little brain and fingers will just explode with new possibilities, and he will understand the word, "Wait a minute". 

- The lack of independent play, needing help to fall asleep at two, are concerning -- it's time for him to be able to play for 15-20 minutes alone, and he should've been capable of falling asleep without your help long ago.  These are things you can work on bit by bit.  It'll be good for both you and him. 

As for working,

- WHY do you want to work?  You don't sound particularly clear on this very basic concept.  Are you just looking for a paycheck, are you looking for a place where expansion is possible?  Or are you looking to get out of the working world to write full time?  You don't seem to have had a job you like, and yet you don't seem all that anxious to complete your degree.  I don't know where you want to be, and so it's hard to give advice on how to get there. 

- I'll echo what someone else said:  You are not your job.  You seem to feel that you could /should be doing more professionally.  So?  Your job is what it is.  Your life is something altogether different. 

- If you're just looking to bring in money, I'd suggest a twist on another poster's idea:  Instead of doing child care, consider after-school care OR summer care.  These don't take up every minute of your day, and you'd be working with older children, and you can take in more kids if they're older . . . yet after-school care costs about 1/2 the expense of all-day day care, and summer care is seasonal.  If you just want checks for the bank, this could be a big winner . . . and it'd leave your day free to finish your degree and be with your son. 

[ASquared]

- The lack of independent play, needing help to fall asleep at two, are concerning -- it's time for him to be able to play for 15-20 minutes alone, and he should've been capable of falling asleep without your help long ago.  These are things you can work on bit by bit.  It'll be good for both you and him. 

This is judgmental and not helpful.  Have respect that every family and every parent/child relationship is different.  America's obsession with "independent children" is ridiculous.  Why do we want them to grow up as fast as possible?  The kids 2 - if he needs help going to sleep big deal.  I would go as far as to say this is "normal".  And while I'm not ever a "cry it out" fan I can't imagine doing this to a 2 year old - how traumatic.  He will go to sleep on his own when he's ready to. 

[Psychstache]

- The lack of independent play, needing help to fall asleep at two, are concerning -- it's time for him to be able to play for 15-20 minutes alone, and he should've been capable of falling asleep without your help long ago.  These are things you can work on bit by bit.  It'll be good for both you and him. 

This is judgmental and not helpful.  Have respect that every family and every parent/child relationship is different.  America's obsession with "independent children" is ridiculous.  Why do we want them to grow up as fast as possible?  The kids 2 - if he needs help going to sleep big deal.  I would go as far as to say this is "normal".  And while I'm not ever a "cry it out" fan I can't imagine doing this to a 2 year old - how traumatic.  He will go to sleep on his own when he's ready to.

I believe the comment is more about what is developmentally typical for this age and not as much a judgment call. If your child's behavior falls outside of average developmental progression, it is something to monitor and possibly consider seeking help for. Having a child with some kind of developmental disorder is a 'big deal' and the sooner it could be detected the more proactive you can be about it.

[galliver]

Although it sounds like it's not financially viable right now, I would like to second "finish a degree." With your work experience, I'm not sure it matters where this happens (are there online schools in the UK?) but I think for your own sense of self you need to eventually do this. Even if it takes you until you're 50 to get there (I don't think it will).

I say this because my bf had to quit college a year away from his degree. The two reasons were grades and money, but I think they were related; working 30 hr weeks to pay rent and buy food does not help with finding study time. He's doing really well now--after bumming around at min wage for two years, he taught himself some coding and leveraged his customer service experiences to apply to a software company. A year+ later, we're both really happy with where he is professionally...but I still see his eyes drop whenever anyone asks him about his degree. So I tell him (and he agrees) that he will one day get a degree; not because I need proof of his intelligence, or necessarily for job security (although that, too), but because he clearly needs that check mark to feel complete.

[daverobev]

Well in terms of the degree as mentioned by galliver - there is always the Open University, inexpensive for UK folk.

Data entry - I did that out of Uni, and my goodness is it boring. Not sure exactly what you do at the moment but...

Ok, here's the thing. You need to have some confidence so that when you go into meetings, you're reacting and suggesting, and most importantly offering to take things on. Take responsibility for things, projects, whatever. If you can do that - and succeed - you will get a management position quickly. There are so many employees who go 'oh, yes, ok' and let everyone else make the decisions. Be a bit more analytical, a bit more critical. Focus.

Source: Worked in the trade show industry for pretty much my whole working life in the UK, started doing data entry, ended up doing data stuff, web stuff - so I've seen account managers, accounts people, etc - if you can take ownership and deal with issues you will get promoted.

Not sure if this applies to your situation or not, but that's all I have!

Oh yeah - not sure where you live (not Newcastle? Or in Newcastle but not from there?) but there are a lot of jobs in the south-east (yeah, obvious eh?) - not just in London itself.

But the main thing is taking things on, owning things. BUT don't be a dogsbody either! Like - I've known people who work til 7pm every day, weekends, whatever - be efficient, precise, don't bitch and moan, get the job done but don't hang around just because. And make sure you get your role assessment in.

Of course this may also not apply at your current position if you're not going to have it in a year, but hey.

[MrsPete]

- The lack of independent play, needing help to fall asleep at two, are concerning -- it's time for him to be able to play for 15-20 minutes alone, and he should've been capable of falling asleep without your help long ago.  These are things you can work on bit by bit.  It'll be good for both you and him. 

This is judgmental and not helpful.  Have respect that every family and every parent/child relationship is different.  America's obsession with "independent children" is ridiculous.  Why do we want them to grow up as fast as possible?  The kids 2 - if he needs help going to sleep big deal.  I would go as far as to say this is "normal".  And while I'm not ever a "cry it out" fan I can't imagine doing this to a 2 year old - how traumatic.  He will go to sleep on his own when he's ready to.

You're reading in a tone that didn't exist as I was writing.  A first-time mom doesn't always recognize what's age-appropriate, and sometimes someone else can see problems that a mom can't.  I know that I didn't realize my child had a speech problem -- I was with her every day, and I understood her perfectly.  My mom pointed out that her speech wasn't age-appropriate, and she pushed me to take her to speech therapy. 

By two a child should be able to play alone for a short period of time, and at two a child should be able to lie down in bed independently and go to sleep -- no one mentioned "crying it out".