Author Topic: Sadness from prior financial stupidity  (Read 8796 times)

FiguringItOut

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Sadness from prior financial stupidity
« on: November 04, 2015, 08:43:34 AM »
I was going though my backup files and found my old budgets starting in 2008.

I am so sad looking at those.  In 2008 my ex and I had $51K in credit cards debt.  That was reduced to $37K by the end of 2009 and then to $17K in 2012.  It was completely gone by Feb 2014.  Looking at my old records, it looks like I snowballed the debt and also transferred balances from 12-22% credit cards to 0-5% credit cards.

I'm really sad how stupid it all was.  I don't even remember what that money was spend on besides some new kitchen appliances which did not add to more then $7-8K at most.  My whole marriage was one stupid financial decision after another because I was participating and enabling his spending and need for mediate gratification.

I must say that since the divorce I am in a much better financial state of mind.  I feel that I can finally make smart financial decisions.  I keep saying that I've had savings account before I got married and after I got divorced, but not once have we had any savings during 16 years of marriage (except for last two years when I was piling up money in preparation for divorce), very often living close to the edge with less then $100 in the bank (our combined income was about $160K).  Money was one of the two main reasons I asked for divorce.  I got tired of trying to dig us out from constant financial mess we were ending up in.

When we divorced earlier this year, he walked away with over $35K of his student loans (his undergrad and grad schools), and I walked away with my $13K of student loans (what's left of my grad school, my undergrad was paid off within first two years of marriage).  So so sad.

My future looks much much brighter though, as I am now able to max out my 401k, HSA, IRA, have 7-8 months of living expenses stashed in the emergency fund and have a few bucks left over for regular old savings account after living expenses are spoken for.

dude

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Re: Sadness from prior financial stupidity
« Reply #1 on: November 04, 2015, 09:10:10 AM »
Congrats on breaking free.  Forget the past, it's gone, over.  Live in the present, look to the future.

Tetsuya Hondo

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Re: Sadness from prior financial stupidity
« Reply #2 on: November 04, 2015, 09:13:46 AM »
Glad to hear that things are looking brighter.

I had a similar experience just last night. I was cleaning out a filing cabinet and came across a shocking number of different credit card and store card statements. There must have been at least a dozen of them, now all closed. Worse, the items on them included things like $300 for a dinners (that's per dinner!). I couldn't help but mentally calculate how much closer to FI I would be now if only I wasn't so incredibly stupid years ago.

Then I remembered that regret is a wasted emotion. That energy is better spent focusing on making a better present and future.

AZDude

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Re: Sadness from prior financial stupidity
« Reply #3 on: November 04, 2015, 09:17:01 AM »
Rather than be sad, celebrate how far you have come. You paid off over $51K worth of debt. That is impressive.

PizzaSteve

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Re: Sadness from prior financial stupidity
« Reply #4 on: November 04, 2015, 09:20:37 AM »
Rather than be sad, celebrate how far you have come. You paid off over $51K worth of debt. That is impressive.
+1

Your life lessons, earned relatively early, will pay huge long term dividends.  Be joyful with your personal growth.  That is your true balance sheet.  Financial Wealth is only a means to an end.

FiguringItOut

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Re: Sadness from prior financial stupidity
« Reply #5 on: November 04, 2015, 09:23:44 AM »
Glad to hear that things are looking brighter.

I had a similar experience just last night. I was cleaning out a filing cabinet and came across a shocking number of different credit card and store card statements. There must have been at least a dozen of them, now all closed. Worse, the items on them included things like $300 for a dinners (that's per dinner!). I couldn't help but mentally calculate how much closer to FI I would be now if only I wasn't so incredibly stupid years ago.

Then I remembered that regret is a wasted emotion. That energy is better spent focusing on making a better present and future.

The last anniversary dinner we had was for our 12th anniversary had a ~$1,100 bill.  That was in 2010.  Why or why was it important to eat at a 3 Micheline star restaurant and have 9 course meal with wine is beyond me. 

Rather than be sad, celebrate how far you have come. You paid off over $51K worth of debt. That is impressive.

Thank you.  I AM rather impressed with myself about that.
« Last Edit: November 04, 2015, 09:33:59 AM by FiguringItOut »

FiguringItOut

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Re: Sadness from prior financial stupidity
« Reply #6 on: November 04, 2015, 09:35:11 AM »
Rather than be sad, celebrate how far you have come. You paid off over $51K worth of debt. That is impressive.
+1

Your life lessons, earned relatively early, will pay huge long term dividends.  Be joyful with your personal growth.  That is your true balance sheet.  Financial Wealth is only a means to an end.

I truly wish I learned earlier.  I'm 40 now and starting from scratch. 
On the other hand, I am happy that I am doing this now and not 10 years from now.

ImCheap

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Re: Sadness from prior financial stupidity
« Reply #7 on: November 04, 2015, 09:44:32 AM »
I truly wish I learned earlier.  I'm 40 now and starting from scratch. 
On the other hand, I am happy that I am doing this now and not 10 years from now.

Ah you are good to go at 40, no worries, well except your next best friend maybe a pair of readers:)

Tetsuya Hondo

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Re: Sadness from prior financial stupidity
« Reply #8 on: November 04, 2015, 09:48:29 AM »
I truly wish I learned earlier.  I'm 40 now and starting from scratch. 
On the other hand, I am happy that I am doing this now and not 10 years from now.

The good news is that once you start plowing the money from debt payments to assets, things start growing quickly. Keep plugging away, keep moving forward.
« Last Edit: November 04, 2015, 10:15:20 AM by Tetsuya Hondo »

therethere

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Re: Sadness from prior financial stupidity
« Reply #9 on: November 04, 2015, 09:54:56 AM »
At one point I calculated how much interest I had paid on my student loans. I also calculated how much of our salaries it was taking, including tax. Hah! That was a horrible idea. It only made me more miserable. Now I have that number in my head all the time when I'm feeling down about money.... I could have a paid for house (and a pretty nice one at that)! That was ~3-4 years ago and we are still paying.....

pachnik

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Re: Sadness from prior financial stupidity
« Reply #10 on: November 04, 2015, 09:58:15 AM »
I truly wish I learned earlier.  I'm 40 now and starting from scratch. 
On the other hand, I am happy that I am doing this now and not 10 years from now.

40 really isn't so bad (I am 51 :).  I also wish I'd figured $$$ earlier in life.  But at least i did figure it out.  I am happy for you that that marriage is behind you and now it is full steam ahead! 

I can't imagine a 9 course dinner.  I am sure I'd get pretty tired of it around 4 courses  but I am also not a foodie. 

doubled85

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Re: Sadness from prior financial stupidity
« Reply #11 on: November 04, 2015, 01:46:48 PM »
Well, you have three states: where you were, where you are and where you're going. Two out of three seem to be quite positive so I wouldn't dwell too much on the third. Besides, your best benchmark is yourself.

Great accomplishment on getting to the current you!

2ndTimer

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Re: Sadness from prior financial stupidity
« Reply #12 on: November 04, 2015, 02:22:53 PM »
Who you chose for your spouse really does impact every aspect of your life. 

StockBeard

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Re: Sadness from prior financial stupidity
« Reply #13 on: November 04, 2015, 02:36:24 PM »
I think all of us "mustachians" go through that phase. Not the divorce and stuff, but the realization that we could have started to be financially "better" much, much earlier. It kinda hurts, but as others have said, you can't go back on this, so it's probably easier to focus on what's more in your control: the future steps.

use2betrix

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Re: Sadness from prior financial stupidity
« Reply #14 on: November 04, 2015, 06:45:48 PM »
I have made some financial choices so poor I wouldn't even post them here. Back when I figured I'd want to just "work til 65," well.... that has certainly changed haha. Fortunately I'm 27, but I don't have nearly as much to show as I should for what I've made the last 5-6 years.

Boganvillia

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Re: Sadness from prior financial stupidity
« Reply #15 on: November 05, 2015, 11:12:34 AM »
It really can be confronting going through old records. I think this is especially true for those of us who make a conscious effort to reinvent ourselves from time to time - divorce can manifest such a transformation.

OP, I would be interested in whether you have observed other (non-financial) personal changes as a consequence oftthe divorce upheaval.

zephyr911

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Re: Sadness from prior financial stupidity
« Reply #16 on: November 05, 2015, 11:49:35 AM »
I already know there was a point a few years ago where I grossed $120K and saved nearly nothing. I know if I go back farther, I spent at that rate for some periods before I was even making that much! Divorces suck hard, and so does just being a mindless consumer whore. I've done it all.

I share my post-college NW graph occasionally to point out that it is possible to make a lot of mistakes and still recover, using knowledge learned during those times. I actually had the FIRE concept before I even graduated, yet I flailed for an entire decade, blowing probably half a million in the first 8 years and another 200K in 9/10. I've learned not to view it all as a waste, because the experience makes me better at what I'm doing now. I may not have accumulated assets, but I was gathering experience. Now I'm older, wiser, stronger, and because I've learned to require far less for myself, I can be more kind and generous to others too - even on a much smaller income... and I'm on a pretty good FIRE trajectory. See attachment. :)
« Last Edit: November 05, 2015, 11:58:20 AM by zephyr911 »

FiguringItOut

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Re: Sadness from prior financial stupidity
« Reply #17 on: November 05, 2015, 12:19:44 PM »
It really can be confronting going through old records. I think this is especially true for those of us who make a conscious effort to reinvent ourselves from time to time - divorce can manifest such a transformation.

OP, I would be interested in whether you have observed other (non-financial) personal changes as a consequence oftthe divorce upheaval.

OP here.
To answer your question, the divorce WAS the consequence of my personal changes, financial and otherwise.  I realized that I was deeply unhappy with several major relationship items in my marriage; financial, sexual, communication, etc.  I realized that I wanted more; more out of relationship, more out of life, just more.  We tried to fix it, therapy, etc, but in the end I knew that I needed to get out.  The whole process from my initial realization to signing papers took 5 years. 
I'm so happy to be on the other side of it.

zephyr911

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Re: Sadness from prior financial stupidity
« Reply #18 on: November 05, 2015, 12:23:48 PM »
OP here.
To answer your question, the divorce WAS the consequence of my personal changes, financial and otherwise.  I realized that I was deeply unhappy with several major relationship items in my marriage; financial, sexual, communication, etc.  I realized that I wanted more; more out of relationship, more out of life, just more.  We tried to fix it, therapy, etc, but in the end I knew that I needed to get out.  The whole process from my initial realization to signing papers took 5 years. 
I'm so happy to be on the other side of it.
Kudos to you for being honest with yourself and him, and making a good-faith effort to work things out. I'm sure it took a lot of strength.
My 0 point in 2008 was the result of divorce #2, but the previous dip/plateau was a result of a similar situation to what you describe. We chased happiness through procurement, because we just weren't on the same wavelength in so many other areas.

prudence

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Re: Sadness from prior financial stupidity
« Reply #19 on: November 05, 2015, 12:26:23 PM »
Your situation sounds a lot like mine. I was frugal before and after marriage but got into "go along to get along" mode and lived paycheck to paycheck for the 15 years we were married. I also came into the marriage with no debt and paid his 50k off during the marriage. But Ive never been happier to be back in control of my future and finances.  No sense in having any regrets, everything happens for a reason. Your future is bright indeed!

Josiecat

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Re: Sadness from prior financial stupidity
« Reply #20 on: November 05, 2015, 01:43:46 PM »
Ugh.  I was married to a financial schmuck.  I made money and he spent it.  He was always berating me because he thought I needed to 'make more money'.  By the way, I made more than him and he didn't have an ambitious bone in his body.  So, he thought it was my job to support HIM.

No fing way.  I left that loser.

zephyr911

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Re: Sadness from prior financial stupidity
« Reply #21 on: November 05, 2015, 01:45:14 PM »
Ugh.  I was married to a financial schmuck.  I made money and he spent it.  He was always berating me because he thought I needed to 'make more money'.  By the way, I made more than him and he didn't have an ambitious bone in his body.  So, he thought it was my job to support HIM.

No fing way.  I left that loser.
Holy crap, loser is right. Good on ya.
I'm so glad I've never been treated like that.

alleykat

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Re: Sadness from prior financial stupidity
« Reply #22 on: November 06, 2015, 07:15:42 AM »
I think it is great that you caught it. I wish I caught myself at 40. I was just starting to but it was hard giving up the spending. It was my hobby. I wish I made better choices but I am better now and that is all that matters.  At least that is what I tell myself because you cant change what happened.

Good luck, you are on the right path. 

Malum Prohibitum

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Re: Sadness from prior financial stupidity
« Reply #23 on: November 06, 2015, 07:38:42 AM »
I already know there was a point a few years ago where I grossed $120K and saved nearly nothing.
  I did that exact thing ($120k and no saving) for several years running!  I am at 2010 on your net worth graph.  I hope the upward trajectory of mine starts to look like yours!

Squirrel away

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Re: Sadness from prior financial stupidity
« Reply #24 on: November 06, 2015, 07:45:18 AM »
I sometimes think back to how we spent money when we were younger but there's no point in regrets. At least now you have the knowledge and experience to make your life so much better. Well done on paying off the debt too.:)

Playing with Fire UK

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Re: Sadness from prior financial stupidity
« Reply #25 on: November 06, 2015, 09:00:12 AM »
I think all of us "mustachians" go through that phase. Not the divorce and stuff, but the realization that we could have started to be financially "better" much, much earlier. It kinda hurts, but as others have said, you can't go back on this, so it's probably easier to focus on what's more in your control: the future steps.

Yep, I totally did this and went through gut wrenching moments as I realised how much money I'd wasted and what could have been.

The post it on my wall says: "I did then what I knew how to to; Now I know better, I do better", I think Maya Angelou said it first.

I've used my old baseline /new worth  /annual spend in my charts; and while it blows that I wasted so much money, it makes the improvement look amazing (kinda like having a massive dinner before weighing in for a new diet!). The more you see your ability to improve, the more you will be convinced of your own awesomeness.

pachnik

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Re: Sadness from prior financial stupidity
« Reply #26 on: November 06, 2015, 10:20:01 AM »
Ugh.  I was married to a financial schmuck.  I made money and he spent it.  He was always berating me because he thought I needed to 'make more money'.  By the way, I made more than him and he didn't have an ambitious bone in his body.  So, he thought it was my job to support HIM.

No fing way.  I left that loser.

Yes, gold diggers come in both sexes.

As an older member of the forum, I had decades of financial stupidity.  It took me a while - maybe close to a year to get past the thoughts of "I wish I had"  "I should have..."  and the feelings of sadness and stupidity that came with the thoughts.  It has been 2 1/2 years since I found this place and am so grateful that I did.   

YK-Phil

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Re: Sadness from prior financial stupidity
« Reply #27 on: November 06, 2015, 11:33:01 AM »
Move forward and learn from the past. For myself, I don't need to go through old financial records to know how stupid I was. All my life, even before finishing university, I had jobs that paid much better than most of my peers, but didn't sock anything away, for the exact same reasons as yours, but times two. I am now happily remarried with a wonderful woman who is even more frugal than I am, and this is far from being her best quality.

moneyandmillennials

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Re: Sadness from prior financial stupidity
« Reply #28 on: November 08, 2015, 12:21:30 AM »
Kudos to you FiguringItOut!

It's always better to realize and make changes now versus later.

I remember when I was cleaning and found receipts from 5 years ago with all these clothes and restaurant bills.  Clothes I don't fit in anymore and food I have no memory of.  Thousands of dollars wasted.  But I tell myself at least now I but a lot less clothes and it is mostly home cooked meals for me.

Boganvillia

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Re: Sadness from prior financial stupidity
« Reply #29 on: November 13, 2015, 11:22:21 PM »

I'm so happy to be on the other side of it.

Thanks, OP :)

Sometimes there's no way out but through, huh.