Rude to Not Order at Dinner?

[kudy]

Going out tonight for a friend's birthday - he chose an expensive place that has two options:

unlimited salad bar for $19
unlimited everything for $30

I want to go, but this price is almost a deal breaker for me. I hate all-you-can-eat models, as I try to eat smaller portions. I don't really want to pay for either option. Do you all think it's too rude to show up at dinner and not eat?

[c]

Yes it is. Not so much for your friend but for the restaurant. The server will be serving the entire table. When you go to a restaurant you're not really paying for the cost of the raw ingredients, but the entire experience. Order the cheaper option and tip decently.

All-you-can-eat are never a good deal for me as I don't eat that much and the food tends to be cheaper. I only go to them when I'm traveling within the US, for some reason they're really popular outside NYC.

If you decide not to eat you should, at the very least, tip your server as if you did.

[dharmon]

I find the above advice from c absurd.

I don't consider it rude to go and not order. Furthermore, I think it would be crazy to go, not order, and tip as if you had ordered an entire meal! You are not taking a whole table away from the server that would otherwise be occupied by paying customers, and you are not causing extra work for them (no orders to take, no extra dishes, etc.)

I think everybody has had situations where they were joining up with some friends, so you join them at a restaurant but for whatever reason you just ate and don't order anything. Do you feel like you're being rude in this situation? Probably not, and I'm also guessing you don't throw down a $10 for inconveniencing the server (or whatever).

My advice: Go, but show up a little late. Apologize and tell the birthday boy/girl that you wanted to come but you had something prior so you've already ate (or some variation thereof). Hang out, enjoy the company of friends, have a drink or two (and tip on those), but don't fret the rest of the situation, and for christ's sake don't tip as if you had ordered $30 worth of food.

[fidgiegirl]

My dad has done this before and it is very awkward.  He will say it's because he isn't hungry or something but we know it's because he thinks it's too expensive, and then all of us feel like tools for being suckered into paying $X.00 for our meal and we don't enjoy ourselves, anyway.  If you already committed, I'd vote suck it up.  In the future, maybe leave your commitment more nebulous so you can back out if needed.

[mc6]

It can be done, but be low-key about it. 

Good luck, let us know what you decide to do.

[Nudelkopf]

My advice: Go, but show up a little late. Apologize and tell the birthday boy/girl that you wanted to come but you had something prior so you've already ate (or some variation thereof). Hang out, enjoy the company of friends, have a drink or two (and tip on those), but don't fret the rest of the situation, and for christ's sake don't tip as if you had ordered $30 worth of food.

I think I'd do this, myself. Especially if you can time it so that you arrive when they're nearing the end of their main course, so that then some will order dessert - but there's always someone else who doesn't eat dessert as well, and thus you won't stand out!

[icefr]

My advice: Go, but show up a little late. Apologize and tell the birthday boy/girl that you wanted to come but you had something prior so you've already ate (or some variation thereof). Hang out, enjoy the company of friends, have a drink or two (and tip on those), but don't fret the rest of the situation, and for christ's sake don't tip as if you had ordered $30 worth of food.

I think I'd do this, myself. Especially if you can time it so that you arrive when they're nearing the end of their main course, so that then some will order dessert - but there's always someone else who doesn't eat dessert as well, and thus you won't stand out!

+1

If you don't really like the friend, I would personally politely decline. That's what I do for any birthday celebration involving drinking.

[kudy]

I opted for the salad bar and a water - still expensive, but this is one of my best friends, so I didn't really have the option to say no. Everyone else at the table opted for the $30 meal, so it was a bit awkward announcing I was the only one who wanted just salad at the start of the meal. A couple joined late and didn't eat; it wasn't too weird, but they have a history of doing exactly that, so it was almost expected.

[destron]

MMM had an article about a very similar scenario (I'm not going to dig it up) where he was at a restaurant with some friends while visiting in Canada. What I took away from the story is that he and Mrs. M enjoyed it very much because

1. they did not go out to eat often and thus could afford the meal

and

2. Canada automatically splits up the bill for each member of the party (apparently). So please be careful of

3. You get the cheap option and drink water but everyone else orders the expensive meal and multiple expensive drinks. At the end of the night they want to split the bill even. BULL$#$#.

I say go because it is your friends birthday and take it as your night out this month.

[gooki]

Just bring your own dinner in a brown paper bag, and save another $19.

[mpbaker22]

I have this situation at bar/restaurant places at least once a week.  I usually overpay for a $3 or $4 drink, then tip a dollar or two more than 15%.  That way, the waitress wins, the restaurant wins from my friends, and I win.

[The Money Monk]

To hell with all that, if you don't want to pay for something don't freaking pay for it. I would have thought that most people on this forum at least would have moved beyond being shamed into paying for things they don't need, and don't even WANT.

You are not going to make any extra work for the server, so it is not a burden to them. To hell with all the people at the table and on this forum who may think it's 'rude' . Are they going to pay your bills or contribute to your retirement account?

What kind of friends would get upset at you for that anyway?

[kythuen]

I might feel weird about something like that if I were just with one other person, but in a group?  Not at all.  I agree with dharmon - just show up a tad late and say you were caught up somewhere and already ate.

I go out sometimes with my room mate and another friend to a Mexican restaurant we all love.  But I love it for the chips and queso, and so that's all I ever want to order.  If it's all three of us, that seems to be fine.  But if it's just me and my roomie, she doesn't like it -- she feels like she's eating too much  and I'm sitting there judging her.  Which is crazy, because let me tell you - I can put away some chips and queso. There's no contest!  =D

So, some people might find it odd if you do that 1 on 1, but in a group I can't see any problem with it.

[The Money Monk]

My dad has done this before and it is very awkward.  He will say it's because he isn't hungry or something but we know it's because he thinks it's too expensive, and then all of us feel like tools for being suckered into paying $X.00 for our meal and we don't enjoy ourselves, anyway. 

Do you really let what other people are doing affect your emotional state that much? Not a fun way to live...

Beside, if you are paying for something you didn't want simply to 'fit in' or something, I would argue that you WERE suckered into paying for your meal.

If you're that worried about the servers and stuff pay for the birthday boys meal instead of one for yourself.

[Self-employed-swami]

I don't understand how it would be remotely fair (and thus, be a common practice in the US) to have the bill split evenly among all diners, when some will have 4 drinks and a steak, and some will have a side salad and water.

Whenever I go out with friends, we each pay for what we order, and decide how much to tip independently (unless an automatic gratuity has been added).  We sometimes have cheap friends that won't tip their fair share, or don't put enough $$$ in the pile (or on their card) but it usually works out alright.  The issues usually come up if we've got a giant tab running at a pub though, and there are more than about 6 people.  However, we've sussed out our cheapskate friends that don't pay their share, and they now get their own, separate tabs.

[nofool]

I agree with the sentiment here about showing up a little late having already eaten. I think it's polite and not awkward at all. But since it's for one of your best friends, and you probably want to be there for all of it, I think The Money Monk had a great suggestion about paying for the birthday boy's meal.

Obviously, the meal is over now, and you made your decision, but going forward, I don't think you should worry about it coming off as rude. Just don't make it a big deal, and most people won't think twice about it.

[momo]

@ kudy: Experienced this once during the holidays and texted the bday honored guest I would be unable to join for dinner portion but I would meet up afterwards. I'd offer to help pay just the guest's meal, buy a drink or bring a small gift (if I could afford it and was close to the guest). Beyond that I typically do not feel the need to order meals while spending time with others.

[The Money Monk]

Since it's a once a year thing, I would try to be frugal during the week and splurge a little for a friend's birthday.

If you have only one friend it's a once a year thing.

[JamesL]

I don't think you should order something you don't want to, and shouldn't feel awkward for it either. If they feel awkward that's their problem (no offence). I've done this before, and will order a coffee or just drink water(because I like coffee). And I agree on the sentiment that Money Monk mentioned regarding

"If you have only one friend it's a once a year thing."

I'm not a huge fan of showing up late and lying about eating. I don't have any problem telling people I'm "broke" lol.

[btau]

Can't believe how much thought people are putting into a special occasion sub $50 meal.

Eat your damn salad, if they give you shit about it tell them your doctor says you need to eat more salad. Don't be "that guy" and go out to dinner than not order anything to save $20.

Its a once of $20, not a daily thing.

[kythuen]

Don't be "that guy" and go out to dinner than not order anything to save $20.

I think it's not wanting to be "that guy" that gets a lot of people into financial trouble.  It may be only $20 to you, but that's a lot of money to a lot of people. 

I'd prefer the host not be "that guy" and invite people to an event with a built-in entry fee.

[arebelspy]

I opted for the salad bar and a water - still expensive, but this is one of my best friends, so I didn't really have the option to say no. Everyone else at the table opted for the $30 meal, so it was a bit awkward announcing I was the only one who wanted just salad at the start of the meal. A couple joined late and didn't eat; it wasn't too weird, but they have a history of doing exactly that, so it was almost expected.

So it turns out that this was a perfectly acceptable option.

Now you just need to become one of those people.

[The Money Monk]

I think it's not wanting to be "that guy" that gets a lot of people into financial trouble.  It may be only $20 to you, but that's a lot of money to a lot of people. 

I'd prefer the host not be "that guy" and invite people to an event with a built-in entry fee.

Exactly. And as I alluded to before, if it was really just once a year then it really wouldn't be a big deal. But friends are always having birthdays and get-togethers, etc. and we have 3 choices:

1. Don't hang out with them
2. hang out and spend money like the rest of them
3. hang out and don't spend money.

I want to be able to choose option #2, but as I have told people before, there is a word for people who can do whatever they want: Millionaire

If I become one then i won't sweat buying $30 meals whenever I want. Until then, I care more about my financial independence than I do about the opinions of people who are slaves to debt, fads, political correctness, or anything else.

Life is too short to live it for other people. If I want to hang out with my friends at a restaurant and not spend money, then damn it, that's what I am going to do.

we're supposed to drive old used cars and not care what people think, ride bikes and not care what people think, brown bag it to work and not care what people think, skip expensive Christmas gifts and not care what people think, rock old cell phones and not have cable, and not care what people think,

but we're supposed to care what people think if we show up to a restaurant for a friends birthday and don't buy anything?!

PSH

[kudy]

The only reason I care is that I challenged myself to spend an average of $2.50 per meal (counting 3 meals per day) for the year - it's a challenge. I know it's not a big deal - my spending is low either way, I just want to meet my goal. It's been challenging so far!

[The Money Monk]

The only reason I care is that I challenged myself to spend an average of $2.50 per meal (counting 3 meals per day) for the year - it's a challenge. I know it's not a big deal - my spending is low either way, I just want to meet my goal. It's been challenging so far!

that's pretty much what I try to keep my food spending at, about 200 a month, no more than 250. Not easy but definitely doable.  Doing that for any length of time does make it seem ridiculous to spend 3 or 4 days worth of food budget on one meal!

[grantmeaname]

I care more about my financial independence than I do about the opinions of people who are slaves to debt, fads, political correctness, or anything else.

If you're that dismissive and derisive to your friends, why show up in the first place? You obvoiusly wouldn't care if their feelings were hurt, since they're slaves to debt and fads.

[The Money Monk]

I care more about my financial independence than I do about the opinions of people who are slaves to debt, fads, political correctness, or anything else.

If you're that dismissive and derisive to your friends, why show up in the first place? You obvoiusly wouldn't care if their feelings were hurt, since they're slaves to debt and fads.

I wasn't saying I don't care about my friends opinions on ANYTHING. But if they are in debt and spend everything they make living paycheck to paycheck I'm not going to put much stock in what they have to say about my spending habits. you can be friends with somebody while still realizing they are not an authority on a subject. I can be friends with a fat person if I want, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't be dismissive of their opinions on my diet and exercise.

That isn't be derisive.

but really the comment was more directed at a situation where there was a group of people at a gathering, friends of friends, who I may not know all that well. I was referring to them, not necessarily to the hypothetical friend who was having a birthday. If this 'friend' really gave me shit about not spending money, then you're right, I probably wouldn't show up in the first place, or be friends with them at all for that matter.

[AccidentalMiser]

Your commitment to your goal is admirable but I have a different view of situations like this.

Your friend's birthday is about them, not about you.  Politeness would suggest you honor your friend by not diverting the spotlight to save $19.  You have an annual goal for spending on eating, which is admirable.  As you've mentioned in your post, your spending is low anyway.  Just go and enjoy your meal!

You can always fast one day per month.  That would add up to $90 and would more than cover this meal and three more like it.

[The Money Monk]

Your commitment to your goal is admirable but I have a different view of situations like this.

Your friend's birthday is about them, not about you.  Politeness would suggest you honor your friend by not diverting the spotlight to save $19.  You have an annual goal for spending on eating, which is admirable.  As you've mentioned in your post, your spending is low anyway.  Just go and enjoy your meal!

You can always fast one day per month.  That would add up to $90 and would more than cover this meal and three more like it.

It's not about the money as a dollar amount, it is about the reasons for why people are saying one should spend money in this situation even if you don't want to. I already said that it would be better to buy THEIR meal, it's not necessarily about saving the 19 dollars. It's about the foolishness of spending money on things you don't need or even want simply because others might have an opinion about it.

Lets assume everything about the original poster's story was is the same, except that the meal was at a super-luxury restaurant and cost $100.

Would you still think it was rude to not buy? would you still say it is "about them, not you"? Would you still suggest that I 'honor' my friend and not 'divert the spotlight"?

Probably not.

[JamesL]

I'm surprised at half of the comments on this thread. I do believe there are extremes where people probably shouldn't go to saving money, but this one is completely legitimate in my eyes. If you don't want to spend the money, I don't think you should, and if they are your friend they won't give 2 shits if you aren't buying a meal. They just care you are giving them your time by being there, and caring enough to show up. Like Monk said, if they care you aren't buying food they probably wouldn't be your friend in the first place.

Bottom line is I don't think it's about the money as much as the principle. The money could be any amount, but the principle remains. It's not like they are spending more on dinner because you aren't paying for your dinner. No harm no foul.

[mobilisinmobili]

This article sums up my feelings on the matter.

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/a_fine_whine/2008/10/happy_birthday_you_bastard.html

Personally if I can afford it and it's a restaurant I like, I'll go. But if I can't or I don't like the restaurant, I feel more negative about going than not, so I won't.

[mustachecat]

Lively discussion!

I think there's latitude around this, but generally, if you don't want to spend money at a friend's outing, then don't go to the outing. It's different if, say, the outing is at the local pizza joint, or a diner, or something low-key and/or low traffic (unlimited buffets seem pretty low-key on my scale); then sure, hang out. But don't be offended if the establishment asks you to order something, or leave--that's reasonable in my book.

Alternately, I would feel very, very awkward about going to a fancy, $100 prixe fixe restaurant and not ordering anything. And I wouldn't be surprised at all if I were asked to leave. It would be like going to Disney World and telling the ticket people, "Hey, I'm not going to ride the rides, I just want to hang out with my friends. So, it's cool if I just go in without paying, right?"

[BuildingFrugalHabits]

The ever popular birthday dinner...

If it's an option. My vote is to go late or meet up for drinks later.  No sense in paying for overpriced food if you won't enjoy it.  Depending on the situation, you may not even really be able to make conversation with the friend due the number of people there and ambient noise.  Personally, I've become pretty selective about what I eat and restaurant food usually doesn't cut it...

[The Money Monk]

I'm surprised at half of the comments on this thread. I do believe there are extremes where people probably shouldn't go to saving money, but this one is completely legitimate in my eyes. If you don't want to spend the money, I don't think you should, and if they are your friend they won't give 2 shits if you aren't buying a meal.

Pretty much my sentiments exactly.

I never said anybody shouldn't spend money on a birthday dinner (or anything else for that matter). I just think that doing it because you are worried about people thinking you are rude is ridiculous.

We're not talking about going into a restaurant by yourself, eating the free breadsticks for an hour, then leaving and not tipping. We're talking about showing up at a group event with a bunch of other paying customers to hang out with a friend.


All the fears of being shunned or even kicked out of the restaurant (WTF?) are way overblown in my mind. I don't think there is a restaurant on the planet that will kick you out for not buying anything when you are with a group of people at a birthday dinner. That is ludicrous.

[Kenoryn]

All the fears of being shunned or even kicked out of the restaurant (WTF?) are way overblown in my mind. I don't think there is a restaurant on the planet that will kick you out for not buying anything when you are with a group of people at a birthday dinner. That is ludicrous.

+1. You cause no inconvenience, you take up no additional space, you take up none of the server's time, you cost the restaurant nothing. I don't think they would care. And if it were my birthday and one of my friends came and didn't order a meal, why on earth would I care?? Because I had a ton of money invested in that restaurant's stock and REALLY WANTED them to make a few more dollars off my friend so I could share in the profit? ;) Yeah, I don't think so.

[mobilisinmobili]

In the spirit of open/honest communication - just ask your friend. If they're uncomfortable with it, explain your position and don't go.

This is also one of the reasons I never have birthday dinners.

[Kenoryn]

2. Canada automatically splits up the bill for each member of the party (apparently).

I would like to clarify here that this is not some weird Canadian custom. ;) Restaurants will actually generally just give you one bill for the table, and you split it up any which way you feel like. Or they'll ask if you want separate bills. Or they'll recognize if you're, say, two couples, and offer two bills. Some people (who are bad at math? or who eat expensive foods?) prefer to divide bills evenly among them, but that's up to them, not the restaurant.

[AccidentalMiser]

Your commitment to your goal is admirable but I have a different view of situations like this.

Your friend's birthday is about them, not about you.  Politeness would suggest you honor your friend by not diverting the spotlight to save $19.  You have an annual goal for spending on eating, which is admirable.  As you've mentioned in your post, your spending is low anyway.  Just go and enjoy your meal!

You can always fast one day per month.  That would add up to $90 and would more than cover this meal and three more like it.

It's not about the money as a dollar amount, it is about the reasons for why people are saying one should spend money in this situation even if you don't want to. I already said that it would be better to buy THEIR meal, it's not necessarily about saving the 19 dollars. It's about the foolishness of spending money on things you don't need or even want simply because others might have an opinion about it.

Lets assume everything about the original poster's story was is the same, except that the meal was at a super-luxury restaurant and cost $100.

Would you still think it was rude to not buy? would you still say it is "about them, not you"? Would you still suggest that I 'honor' my friend and not 'divert the spotlight"?

Probably not.

When one is able to make a small sacrifice for one's friend, then one should do so to be polite.  If it was $100, I would not attend and politely explain to my friend that $100 is not in keeping with my monetary situation.  Then I would invite them for an inexpensive dinner as my guest.

If it was $3, would you still want them to say "Screw you, friend.  I don't care what you think?"  Probably not. 

[The Money Monk]

Your commitment to your goal is admirable but I have a different view of situations like this.

Your friend's birthday is about them, not about you.  Politeness would suggest you honor your friend by not diverting the spotlight to save $19.  You have an annual goal for spending on eating, which is admirable.  As you've mentioned in your post, your spending is low anyway.  Just go and enjoy your meal!

You can always fast one day per month.  That would add up to $90 and would more than cover this meal and three more like it.

It's not about the money as a dollar amount, it is about the reasons for why people are saying one should spend money in this situation even if you don't want to. I already said that it would be better to buy THEIR meal, it's not necessarily about saving the 19 dollars. It's about the foolishness of spending money on things you don't need or even want simply because others might have an opinion about it.

Lets assume everything about the original poster's story was is the same, except that the meal was at a super-luxury restaurant and cost $100.

Would you still think it was rude to not buy? would you still say it is "about them, not you"? Would you still suggest that I 'honor' my friend and not 'divert the spotlight"?

Probably not.

When one is able to make a small sacrifice for one's friend, then one should do so to be polite.  If it was $100, I would not attend and politely explain to my friend that $100 is not in keeping with my monetary situation.  Then I would invite them for an inexpensive dinner as my guest.

If it was $3, would you still want them to say "Screw you, friend.  I don't care what you think?"  Probably not.

You aren't understanding my argument. $100 would still qualify as a 'small sacrifice' to me. it's not going to ruin me. I have enough money to pay for it if I really wanted to. All the same points apply at 100 that do at 10 or 15.

Here, why don't you tell me at what exact dollar amount it stops being rude and starts being ok.

The point is you have shown that you think it's ok to object to when it is a dollar amount that YOU personally think is too high or 'not worth it' but it is rude when it is lower than that magical number.

Also maybe you people just need friends who aren't so uptight. Not only would my friends probably not even notice what I actually ordered, they would certainly rather just have me there to hang out with.

[AccidentalMiser]

Dude, I have no desire to argue with you. 

You took me to task for having the temerity to suggest that making a friend uncomfortable was not worth $19.  You were the one who used the figure of $100 as something that might change the situation, not me. 

I have obviously been laboring under the misapprehension that this thread was about kudy's question as opposed to what YOU can afford, what kinds of friends YOU think people should have and what YOU think constitutes appropriate behavior and advice.

But since we are talking about you now, what if your rich friend invited you to a five-hundred dollar (or substitute an amount that you would feel uncomfortable spending for dinner) per plate fundraiser for a cause your care about but not enough to spend $500?  What would you do?  Would your response change if it was ten dollars or ten thousand?  Probably.  Why? 

In my case, I care about my friends AND my money.  I will humor my friends up to a point, then I have to take a different approach.  That doesn't necessarily mean I need new friends, nor is it inconsistent to grant certain small concessions and not other, larger ones.

[Undecided]

Taking the question as phrased---and setting aside the rudeness of extending an "invitation" at the expense of the guests---it is rude for an invitee to modify an invitation rather than accept or decline it. Given that the business of restaurants is selling food and drink, it seems implicit that the invitation to a restaurant is an invitation to dine and drink, and accepting the invitation means deciding to do so. While attending but declining to participate as invited is rude, I wonder if the issue that is more important to the invitee is whether that rudeness will be disregarded or easily forgiven. If so, a "host" who extends such an empty invitation doesn't seem to have much room to take offense from an imperfect response.

[strider3700]

my standard approach is to show up a tidge late then have 1 drink before switching to coffee. with tip I'm out of there for under $10 at even the most expensive restaurants. Restaurants are perfectly happy that I've just grossly overpaid for an ounce of booze with some ice and mixer and I'm not any extra work for the staff.

[riverffashion]

Not at all rude. I'd order a drink maybe. There to hang out, not spend money.

[zoltani]

[Melody]

I'd order a coffee and make a lame excuse about having already had a catered work lunch (happens sometimes if we have training) and not being hungry.

[K-ice]

Long live the necropost.

But since someone started it up again...

I hate the split the bill evenly thing. (A cultural thing)

Really, who is the cheap one the guy who ate an appetizer, meal, desert and  5drinks who expects to be subsidized? Or the one with the meal and water who wants to pay just their fair share?

Had a 14 person family thing where I didn't drink, neither did my Breast feeding cousin, but the 12x4 rounds shot ordering older cous wanted to split things evenly. It was a messy drunken 12 to 2 so guess what we all paid?

If it's a small group and the difference is just a soda I'll suck up a $5-10 dollars between friends. But if you spend twice as much as me don't expect to go Dutch.

I don't think it's rude not to order. I think it's rude to expect someone else to pay for your indulgences.

But who gets the shaming? The frugal eater or the spendypants?

[AZDude]

Going to a restaurant and hanging around for two hours without ordering anything is rude, both to the restaurant and to the person who invited you. Either dont go and see your friend later, or go and participate.

Also, the split the bill evenly thing is insane. Separate checks, always.

[Bardo]

What's the expression for behavior that, while not exactly rude, isn't exactly desirable either?  "Not the done thing"?  "Bad form"?

We've all been in the situation of not wanting to contribute to someone else's banquet, and it's annoying as anything, but I really think the most gentlemanly (or ladylike) response is to be graceful about it, order the least expensive thing available, and don't make a spectacle of oneself. 

[Cpa Cat]

TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED AT THE BIRTHDAY DINNER IN 2013!!!

I'm dying to know how it turned out and how it's affected their friendship over the last two years!

[The_path_less_taken]

I opted for the salad bar and a water - still expensive, but this is one of my best friends, so I didn't really have the option to say no. Everyone else at the table opted for the $30 meal, so it was a bit awkward announcing I was the only one who wanted just salad at the start of the meal. A couple joined late and didn't eat; it wasn't too weird, but they have a history of doing exactly that, so it was almost expected.

So it turns out that this was a perfectly acceptable option.

Now you just need to become one of those people.

That was my takeaway too. If it's 'acceptable' for them, it's fine for you too.

So much depends on deployment: if you sashay in with a feather boa, jump on a chair and whine "I don't want to pay $30 so I'm not eating and you can't make me"...yeah, that might be awkward. (but damn interesting to watch)

If you just say when the invite comes to you: "Hey, I'm in but I've got a lot going on...might be a bit late so will probably just have a drink/maybe desert to celebrate your big day. Happy birthday!" How could that be a downer?

And as I read this thread I am reminded of the saying "opinions are like assholes: everybody has one". I personally ignore the ones who are snotty to me: it's ok to disagree with what someone says/thinks/does.

But no need to make it personal.