Rewarding yourself for doing something good? Don't understand this mindset

[Just Joe]

ETA actually I did reward myself today because I put Christmas lights on the house and put up a tree and decorated it and wrapped a few presents. Wanted to surprise BF when he comes home on Sat (he's been gone almost a month). Then I ate veggie sushi and Nutty Buddy's. The fact that I'd eat those anyways even if I did nothing all day is besides the point ;-).

Wrapping! You reminded me that some wrapping needs to happen today before I fetch the family home.

Yesterday was more productive. Still avoided one or two little things which is dumb b/c the things are stupid easy to do. Why? I'll do them first today. Watched a 1940s movie last night for reward.

House is better. Still no hobby time but I'm closer. I refuse to hobby until tasks 1-X are completed or 1-X won't get done in a reasonable way.

@Metalcat In recent years we were thinking of our eldest as a failure to launch only to discover ADHD, depression and more recently they told their doctor about anxiety. Eldest is being treated and they are better than we've seen them since early HS. Not sure there was anything tangible that started this "era" but looking back on it I think I can see where eldest started to drift out of their lane into the weeds. DW and I agree that we don't care if eldest stays with us forever if they can be happy and safe i.e. not making the poor decisions like before.

This thread mirrors a series of recent discussions I had with my parent about our eldest. I'll save you the details but my parent has (apparently) never struggled with anything and doesn't (didn't?) understand anyone that does. Maybe I provided some perspective to my parent. For all their wisdom, they have a very 2D understanding of other people's lives w/o realizing it.

Just to be clear, I'm not throwing any stones at anyone here.

[Metalcat]

ETA actually I did reward myself today because I put Christmas lights on the house and put up a tree and decorated it and wrapped a few presents. Wanted to surprise BF when he comes home on Sat (he's been gone almost a month). Then I ate veggie sushi and Nutty Buddy's. The fact that I'd eat those anyways even if I did nothing all day is besides the point ;-).

Wrapping! You reminded me that some wrapping needs to happen today before I fetch the family home.

Yesterday was more productive. Still avoided one or two little things which is dumb b/c the things are stupid easy to do. Why? I'll do them first today. Watched a 1940s movie last night for reward.

House is better. Still no hobby time but I'm closer. I refuse to hobby until tasks 1-X are completed or 1-X won't get done in a reasonable way.

@Metalcat In recent years we were thinking of our eldest as a failure to launch only to discover ADHD, depression and more recently they told their doctor about anxiety. Eldest is being treated and they are better than we've seen them since early HS. Not sure there was anything tangible that started this "era" but looking back on it I think I can see where eldest started to drift out of their lane into the weeds. DW and I agree that we don't care if eldest stays with us forever if they can be happy and safe i.e. not making the poor decisions like before.

This thread mirrors a series of recent discussions I had with my parent about our eldest. I'll save you the details but my parent has (apparently) never struggled with anything and doesn't (didn't?) understand anyone that does. Maybe I provided some perspective to my parent. For all their wisdom, they have a very 2D understanding of other people's lives w/o realizing it.

Yeah, this is pretty typical. It's actually really hard for people to understand lived experiences beyond their own.

I spend an inordinate amount of my time undoing the damage caused by loved ones who can't grasp a different reality.

The more I work with neurodivergent folks though, the more I'm losing my tolerance for working with neurotypicals. It's too depressing.

[RetiredAt63]

Is it really hard to grasp that different people are motivated differently??

Some people are motivated by reward, some by praise, some by competition, some by performance goals.

Different people are different.

Man, if you pet my hair and tell me I'm pretty, I will move an entire mountain for you. lol

Lol, and hilarious, I find praise largely aversive, especially praise about my appearance.

Different people are different.

I had my hair petted once, by several people, as an adult who had gone from very long to very short (it was fluffy!).  It's a wonder they all left with hands still attached to their wrists.

And about the reward thing, some things are intrinsically rewarding and some things are not.  If the non-rewarding things are things that need doing, then there is only so much will power by itself will do.   For me "should" is a 4 letter word with extra letters.

I am at the point where knowing I will come in to a clean kitchen in the morning is enough reward that I will do a full kitchen cleanup the night before.

But I hate house cleaning.  I give myself a fun activity for afterwards.

[Metalcat]

Is it really hard to grasp that different people are motivated differently??

Some people are motivated by reward, some by praise, some by competition, some by performance goals.

Different people are different.

Man, if you pet my hair and tell me I'm pretty, I will move an entire mountain for you. lol

Lol, and hilarious, I find praise largely aversive, especially praise about my appearance.

Different people are different.

I had my hair petted once, by several people, as an adult who had gone from very long to very short (it was fluffy!).  It's a wonder they all left with hands still attached to their wrists.

And about the reward thing, some things are intrinsically rewarding and some things are not.  If the non-rewarding things are things that need doing, then there is only so much will power by itself will do.   For me "should" is a 4 letter word with extra letters.

I am at the point where knowing I will come in to a clean kitchen in the morning is enough reward that I will do a full kitchen cleanup the night before.

But I hate house cleaning.  I give myself a fun activity for afterwards.

In therapy we call it "shoulding all over yourself"

Also, a lot of folks are well motivated but just struggle with task initiation. I'm one of those people, I basically have to trick myself into starting something, then I can ride the momentum and get it done easily.

[HenryDavid]

Many thanks for this generous and thoughtful discussion.

[spartana]

ETA actually I did reward myself today because I put Christmas lights on the house and put up a tree and decorated it and wrapped a few presents. Wanted to surprise BF when he comes home on Sat (he's been gone almost a month). Then I ate veggie sushi and Nutty Buddy's. The fact that I'd eat those anyways even if I did nothing all day is besides the point ;-).

Wrapping! You reminded me that some wrapping needs to happen today before I fetch the family home.

Yesterday was more productive. Still avoided one or two little things which is dumb b/c the things are stupid easy to do. Why? I'll do them first today. Watched a 1940s movie last night for reward.

House is better. Still no hobby time but I'm closer. I refuse to hobby until tasks 1-X are completed or 1-X won't get done in a reasonable way.

@Metalcat In recent years we were thinking of our eldest as a failure to launch only to discover ADHD, depression and more recently they told their doctor about anxiety. Eldest is being treated and they are better than we've seen them since early HS. Not sure there was anything tangible that started this "era" but looking back on it I think I can see where eldest started to drift out of their lane into the weeds. DW and I agree that we don't care if eldest stays with us forever if they can be happy and safe i.e. not making the poor decisions like before.

This thread mirrors a series of recent discussions I had with my parent about our eldest. I'll save you the details but my parent has (apparently) never struggled with anything and doesn't (didn't?) understand anyone that does. Maybe I provided some perspective to my parent. For all their wisdom, they have a very 2D understanding of other people's lives w/o realizing it.

Just to be clear, I'm not throwing any stones at anyone here.

What funny is that I've never decorated for any holidays - even Christmas. Put up a little tree with lights and that's it. But for some reason I did the full Monty this year and the little house looks very cute. I guess wanting to see BF happy (he likes decorations) motivated me to put lights up and get a larger tree. Motivated by love? Gross ;-). Now I've bathed and washed my (very petable) hair and might manage to look "almost" as nice as my house when he comes home. Next thing you know I'll be doing his laundry! No no no even I have limits.

[Just Joe]

As I petted our family dog this morn I explained why she liked being haVING her head and ears stroked but it really hurt that she never petted me. She then indicated she wanted a snack.

...and I got her one.

This relationship needs work. ;)

Maybe DW will give me sweet words and attention when she gets home tonight.

[Dicey]

Every time I see this thread pop up, it kinda pisses me off.

What the actual fuck is wrong with goal setting and celebration of achievement?

Isn't that what we're all about here?

Don't we do it better than most of the rest of the planet?

Once you've reached the goal, what's wrong with a reward that's relevant to the effort?

The problem is not really a mustachian one. The problem is when non-mustachian idiots give themselves outsized (or spendypants) rewards for the minimal  efforts they've made. That's not us. /End rant.

[twinstudy]

Every time I see this thread pop up, it kinda pisses me off.

What the actual fuck is wrong with goal setting and celebration of achievement?

Isn't that what we're all about here?

Don't we do it better than most of the rest of the planet?

Once you've reached the goal, what's wrong with a reward that's relevant to the effort?

The problem is not really a mustachian one. The problem is when non-mustachian idiots give themselves outsized (or spendypants) rewards for the minimal  efforts they've made. That's not us. /End rant.

The point of the OP I think was to focus on intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation, and I do think it's important to try to focus on the former, at least for things that are important to you (so for me, one of the things was academics - as a kid I just liked learning). Allowing yourself to become extrinsically motivated has its dangers, including the fact that discipline and routine can go out the window if you're not getting consistent motivation. So I think that is a valid point.

But many things are not important to each of us as individuals and I see nothing wrong in using extrinsic motivators in those situations. Especially for something like housecleaning which I find menial and pointless otherwise. But, to each her own.

[Metalcat]

Every time I see this thread pop up, it kinda pisses me off.

What the actual fuck is wrong with goal setting and celebration of achievement?

Isn't that what we're all about here?

Don't we do it better than most of the rest of the planet?

Once you've reached the goal, what's wrong with a reward that's relevant to the effort?

The problem is not really a mustachian one. The problem is when non-mustachian idiots give themselves outsized (or spendypants) rewards for the minimal  efforts they've made. That's not us. /End rant.

The point of the OP I think was to focus on intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation, and I do think it's important to try to focus on the former, at least for things that are important to you (so for me, one of the things was academics - as a kid I just liked learning). Allowing yourself to become extrinsically motivated has its dangers, including the fact that discipline and routine can go out the window if you're not getting consistent motivation. So I think that is a valid point.

But many things are not important to each of us as individuals and I see nothing wrong in using extrinsic motivators in those situations. Especially for something like housecleaning which I find menial and pointless otherwise. But, to each her own.

Also, someone can have intrinsic motivation for making something a priority, and then utilize extrinsic motivation as a tool for establishing and maintaining good habits.

I listen to audiobooks when I do PT, which is boring as fuck. I will always save my most interesting audiobook to *only* listen to during my most tedious daily tasks like PT or cleaning. This makes it so much easier to initiate boring tasks because I really want to get back to my book.

I'm highly intrinsically motivated to do these things, but on any given day, using an additional incentive lowers the motivation barrier to actually doing them, which frees up more motivation for other things.

[Tyson]

Also, a lot of folks are well motivated but just struggle with task initiation. I'm one of those people, I basically have to trick myself into starting something, then I can ride the momentum and get it done easily.

This is true for me as well.  Often the trick I use is to say "I just need to get started, I don't need to finish".  But of course, once I DO start I am now compelled to finish because that's my nature. 

[oneday]

I have suffered through bouts of depression where extrinsic rewards/motivators were what got me to do the "adulting" that needed done. As the depression resolved, I've intentionally removed some (but not all!) of the extrinsic rewards. My internal sense of satisfaction with a job well done gets stronger when I'm not depressed.

So it can be different things even for the same person.

[Fomerly known as something]

What deserves to be rewarded and what doesn’t.  Who gets to decide.  Is it any different for me to reward myself with a nice beer because I mowed the lawn then it was for me spending a weekend down in Carmel by the Sea  in November because work was extremely stressful from July until then.  Was it a reward or a celebration of thank god that shit is done?

So yes, at times I’ll celebrate completing a task, sometimes it’s small task I don’t like, sometimes it’s a big task that was a extremely taxing.

Is a celebration OK but a reward is not?

[GuitarStv]

Celebration is also to be frowned upon.  I prefer an acetic life of toil, miserly saving, and god-like self improvement . . . capped off each night by a refreshing short dive and swim in my Olympic sized pool of gold coins in the cellar.