Rant on family

[Josiecat]

Could you try weaning them off?  For example this month $700.  The following month $600.  Then $500 and so on.

You would need to clearly explain to them what is happening, and that you will no longer be giving them money.

You need to find a way out of this, especially since they are wasting the money.

[Elderwood17]

"The last check I gave them my mother despaired that I "always gave $700"

That is easy to change - make it $650 next time!

[Ursa]

I'm of the opinion that children don't owe their parents for raising them as they didn't choose to be born.

If they didn't pay for your college or help you out after moving out, I don't see why you need to give them any money at all since they didn't do their "parental roles" according to custom.

[TheFrugalFox]

I'm of the opinion that children don't owe their parents for raising them as they didn't choose to be born.

If they didn't pay for your college or help you out after moving out, I don't see why you need to give them any money at all since they didn't do their "parental roles" according to custom.

I do think when kids leave school/uni and start working, they should contribute to household expenses if they live at home.

[The_Dude]

This thread has blown my mind!

Dude! Stop giving money to your parents if they are just using it to subsidize your healthy employed siblings.

Knowing how hard it is to be a sibling with parents that treat their kids unequally this thread makes me sick to my stomache.

OP I wish you luck in this situation.

[FIRE me]

I suppose I just need to make them understand that I do not plan to move back in the forseeable (sp?) future. And that I do want to save money for a condo (which is true).

I would not cut them off without warning. Hand them the $700 one more time, but include the message that this will be the last time because [insert whatever truthful or diplomatic reason that you desire].

 

[use2betrix]

So... OP... What are you going to do? You've received a lot of good advice. If you plan to take action, please do so and report back how it went.

[Miss Prim]

I gave my mom $500.00 for mother's day this year.  She said it was too much money.  I said use it to get someone to watch my dad so she can get out and do stuff (he has dementia).  She just called me today and said she spent it on getting his dentures fixed which was fine, but then she told me she bought a new bed that probably cost thousands of dollars because it is one that the head and foot of the bed move up and down. 

She continues to spend money she really doesn't have fixing up her house.  She is determined to spend every last dime she has because he will probably have to go into a home sometime soon.  She complains to me about not being able to do upkeep of their house, so she has hired someone to help out, but she was out power washing the house and cement yesterday. They live about 3 hours away and she will not move closer as she has a lot of friends and won't leave them.  I told her she should be spending her money on help with my dad, but she would rather just complain and then buy stuff she doesn't need or replace carpet that doesn't need it (her carpet looks better than mine!).  So, basically, when I give her money, she spends it and still spends more on stuff she doesn't need.  I am at my wits end!

I feel for you OP!  You don't want to give your parents money and then see them turn around and give it to your sister.  But, it is so hard to dictate how the money should be spent.  Even if you buy them the stuff they need, they will turn around and use their own money to help your sister, so you are indirectly are supporting your sister.

Hope you can solve this problem!  I hope I can too!                    Miss Prim

[WoodsRun]

I have received a lot of good advice and comments but I haven't figured out exactly what I'm going to do. Today isn't good to bring it up because it is Father's day lol. Maybe next time I give the check I will bring up that they should not be giving my adult siblings with jobs money anymore if my parents are struggling with their own bills. If I was living with them of course I should have been contributing to their household expenses, and I would not care as much what they do with their money but I don't live with them.

It's hard to say that they're selfish because that is the culture that they were brought up with and they want to uphold. If I was born in a foreign country I don't know what my mentality would have been if I immigrated into the US and had American born children. And I will probably never know.

And it's not even that they are from a semi-developed country, or a nation with a rising economy. They are from a nation that is extremely backwards politically, economically, and in pretty much every way I can think of. If they were from say Russia, or China, or Brazil I feel it would be a bit easier to adjust to American culture than from the region that my parents are from. That's how backwards I think it is. Never mind the 'all cultures are created equal'; there are some cultures that are simply superior to others.

Part of it is really on me, I need to learn to stand up to my family for myself. And as a few pointed out now is the time because it will only get harder later in a few years. I do need to give them a reason for me to stop the checks, I can't simply halt the checks without an explanation. I'm sure that will be really bad for family dynamics.

I don't know, but this was good to get my thoughts a little more organized.

[Katsplaying]

You may benefit from bringing in an outside party if the family is amenable. That way you aren't the only one disturbing the current situation; a financial adviser would concur that in the US, most adult children do not send money to their folks as monthly support/payback/whatever you call it. That the "American Way" is pretty boot-strap in nature and the kids born here have all absorbed that message even though the parents do not grasp that that's the case.

Is it culture that keeps your sister & BIL accepting the money?

[lizzzi]

I've been thinking about this some more today. As the above poster said, the American culture is different, and you all are living here now…making your homes here and presumably staying here permanently. Do your parents realize how detrimental it's going to be for you if you follow the old ways to help them…and then in the future your totally American born-and-bred children won't have the slightest motivation or intention to do the same for you? By subsidizing your parents now (the "old" cultural norm), you are absolutely destroying your own old age (which will be lived in the "new" cultural norm, where kids don't usually support their parents). Frankly, I am worried about you. This situation is likely to damage you badly. And how are you going to meet and marry someone over here…I doubt that your hypothetical future girlfriend/marriage partner is going to be thrilled that you gave all that money to your parents…and may be still doing it. Very scary scenarios, OP.

[CommonCents]

Call a family meeting with the siblings - and spouses.  Lay out on the table that mom & dad aren't in a good financial spot and haven't saved for retirement.  Ask them for suggestions on how to help mom and dad.  Carefully listen - maybe they'll have some good ideas.  Give them what you think mom & dad's budget is (ballpark it) and ask if anyone has ideas on helping them.  Now you're making your parent's problems (and correspondingly yours), theirs to solve - and engaging them in finding a solution/getting their buy in.  If no one has volunteered yet, point out that they are paying for the other's loans and cars.  Suggest they take responsibility for their own debts - remind them you managed to do so.

Explain you won't be paying $700/month going forward because you need the money yourself, so everyone needs to find $700 in your parent's budget, or you all collectively need to be chipping in (with lower sums for the one in college - e.g. $200 the other 3 and $100 for the one in college).  At the end of the planning session, write down what was agreed upon and save that - send it around to everyone and remind them of it.  Finally, gift your parents a session with a financial planner (and attend with them if you can).  This will hopefully 1) help them get their expenses under control and 2) hopefully help them understand that they can't rely on you for the solution - or at the very least, the weight needs to be shared equally amongest the four children.

And know that the the best you might be able to get them to agree with is a partial subsidy rather than the full one they might accept in their country.  (When they left, did they cut off ties with their parents or did they send money back?  If they cut off ties, you can point to that.)

[okonumiyaki]

 - Ask one of your best (male) friends to come with you next time

 - Tell your parents how excited you are that both NY and CT allow gay marriage

 - Discuss which bedroom you and your husband will use in NYC.  Or maybe you can use the 700 US to have a down payment on a condo

Upside, your parents will no longer care too much about the 700USD.  Downside, they may never speak to you again...

[Zamboni]

CommonCents has a great idea about having a meeting with your siblings and laying out the parental financial issues for them. At a minimum they need to stop letting parents pay their bills or give them money, especially the sister with the job and husband.

Your parents might not be interested in a planner, but it you go that route please be careful about who you choose as a financial planner; many of them are just looking to put their hands in your pockets or their pockets.

- Ask one of your best (male) friends to come with you next time

 - Tell your parents how excited you are that both NY and CT allow gay marriage

 - Discuss which bedroom you and your husband will use in NYC.  Or maybe you can use the 700 US to have a down payment on a condo

Upside, your parents will no longer care too much about the 700USD.  Downside, they may never speak to you again...

While this would be entertaining, and I have suggested it to many friends who have parents being very pushy about not dating enough or not get married soon enough, it might not work. I have a friend from Asia who is very openly gay an in his 40's, and his Mom still hounds him about getting married to a woman and having a family. I have witnessed this, and it seems to be very awkward for everyone in the room except her. She just refuses to change her mind about what will happen in the face of 25 years of facts to the contrary.

[Lanthiriel]

The last check I gave them my mother despaired that I "always gave $700"

Ouch! No good deed goes unpunished.

I'm late to the party and don't have much to add other than congratulating you on your super human control. I'm imagining someone saying this to me after handing them a gift, and I guarantee the string of expletives could be heard around the world.

Now it's time to turn take that self-control and hold strong when they're begging you for money they clearly don't need.

[okonumiyaki]

While this would be entertaining, and I have suggested it to many friends who have parents being very pushy about not dating enough or not get married soon enough, it might not work. I have a friend from Asia who is very openly gay an in his 40's, and his Mom still hounds him about getting married to a woman and having a family. I have witnessed this, and it seems to be very awkward for everyone in the room except her. She just refuses to change her mind about what will happen in the face of 25 years of facts to the contrary.

Have you seen Ang Lee's "Wedding Banquet"?  Its an old film, but a goody.

[Villanelle]

What if you told them that the money is intended to help them if they need it, but clearly they don't since they are passing it along to siblings who don't need it either?  That being the case, as of next month (so one more check), you are going to stop sending the money to them and start investing it.  That way, it will be available if and when they are at a point where they truly need help.  Because if you keep things up, the money will be gone and when they reach a point where they truly need money, you won't have it to give.

Perhaps phrasing it like that will make it seem a bit more like you are meeting those implicit cultural obligations.  You'll keep the money and invest it, when if and when there is a true need, you will be happy to help out (assuming that is the case).  Focusing on the fact that in some ways, that money is still going to be available to help out may take some of the sting out for them.  Of course, if they never reach a point where they need it (or they only need some of it), then it will just stay as part of your stache.  But by focusing on the fact that keeping it now instead of putting it out there for non-necessities, you will be better able to help when help is truly needed, maybe the message will be a bit more in line with their cultural expectations, while still allowing you to prevent the waste. 

[Exhale]

What if you told them that the money is intended to help them if they need it...as of next month (so one more check), you are going to stop sending the money to them and start investing it.  That way, it will be available if and when they are at a point where they truly need help...[this way] you will be better able to help when help is truly needed, maybe the message will be a bit more in line with their cultural expectations, while still allowing you to prevent the waste.

Like this ^ but minus saying anything about the sibling or non-necessary spending.

Instead keep the focus on what your parents are expecting (that you give them support) and share with them that you plan to uphold cultural values, but this is a new country/economy and, as such, you need to go about it differently than in the old country. In this new context you must become financially solid so that you can be a good son to them. In this way you're not abandoning cultural values, but rather making sure that they can be honored in this new place.

Note: Immigrant parents of my dear friend once said they moved to the USA so their kids could have a future, but that it was hard for them to let go of their previously much-needed day-to-day mentality.

I wish you the best of luck.

[banjarian]

I would stop paying them, immediately. I'd put that money in an emergency fund, and not tell them about it - and if they're truly in trouble, you can help them out, but stop it with this allowance thing!

IF there is no way around paying them, and you really feel a strong obligation, or you want to taper them off slowly... I think that contributing that much money in the household gives you a say in the household's finances. If I was helping out my mom like this, I would INSIST that we sit down every month and look at where the money went. If they're not spending your $$$ wisely, they are not respecting you and the hard work you did to earn that money. If you are contributing that much money (it's a lot!) then you get to look at where all their money is going.

If they don't like you having a say, and they don't like you looking at their finances and making decisions about spending, then they will have to figure out how to do it without you.

I think it's so sad that your parents are pressuring you to move home so that they can have your rent money. Parents should be looking out for their kids, and encouraging them to make the decisions that are best for the kids in the long run - not just trying to make your major life decisions with nothing but their own self-interest.

[WoodsRun]

Is it culture that keeps your sister & BIL accepting the money?

I didn't even think of it that way. No they should not be accepting any help financially.

I'm not really worried about marriage at the moment, it probbaly won't happen anytime soon at all, but as a few others pointed out it is my retirement that I am concerned about. But I am pretty sure that I will be alright, I am saving for a downpayment for a condo now, maybe a small two bedroom place and getting a roommate so that I can pay that off as soon as I can. After that I will be on much better ground financially speaking.

There is no one specific that my parents mention about anyone who gives money to their parents, not sure if there is a keep up with the Jones' kind of mentality with them. But they do mention stories and such of people becoming very successful and their families are living a much more comfortable life.

I definitely don't want to burden my youngest brother who is still in undergrad, he deserves to not worry about money while he is still in school. But I will start pressuring my other siblings about taking some more responsibility for their own expenses.

- Ask one of your best (male) friends to come with you next time

 - Tell your parents how excited you are that both NY and CT allow gay marriage

 - Discuss which bedroom you and your husband will use in NYC.  Or maybe you can use the 700 US to have a down payment on a condo

Upside, your parents will no longer care too much about the 700USD.  Downside, they may never speak to you again...

I should just do this, it will be so much easier and quicker lol

The idea that I should invest the money now on my own so that I can take advantage of compound interest over a longer period of time is good; and the funds being available later if they need it. I should bring this up to my family.

[GizmoTX]

The idea that I should invest the money now on my own so that I can take advantage of compound interest over a longer period of time is good; and the funds being available later if they need it. I should bring this up to my family.

I agree that you should do this. If you tell them this, don't expect their approval. It may even backfire -- people can act badly when they believe there's money that they can access. My grandmother left $10K (1974) to my father in a ten year trust, with me as trustee, because she was afraid he'd immediately spend everything else in her estate. She was correct. During the 10 years, my father constantly was after me to break the trust & give him the money, but there was no actual emergency. This was when I was in my mid-20s, so saying no to my parent was very difficult. However, I wanted to honor the trust my grandmother had in me & preserve something for my father. I wish my father had the same regard for me. At one point, he hung up on me & didn't talk to me for a year -- he must have thought he was punishing me but it was actually a relief. Reluctantly I realized that he only called when he wanted something. When I transferred the money after the 10 years, I had doubled it.

We helped out my brother after his heart surgery a few years ago, in $1K increments that happened about every week. When it totaled $10K, he complained that it was time for his next payment, with no plan for the future. Although I went over his expenses with him at the start, as a condition of the payments, he was not willing to cut anything that made a difference. Meanwhile, his partner had not looked for a job for 3 years. Two cars, both with big loans. A large house with a large mortgage at 8% interest. Major CC debt & a terrible credit score. We said no to any further payments & he was furious -- he expected us to support his lifestyle because we are FI & he was declared disabled. Finally, last fall he & his partner declared bankruptcy & he lost the house.

Conclusion: Neither relative appreciated the help. Family relationships can not & should not be purchased.

[BarkyardBQ]

Very good advice here from everyone. OP, if you feel like reading, check out The Millionaire Next Door, with particular attention to the chapters on Economic Outpatient Care.

[KungfuRabbit]

Ill add the same.

Wtf are you thinking??

Through the chain of money transfer you are paying for your sisters bills, and she has double your income.

Wtf. Wtf. Wtf.

[CommonCents]

Through the chain of money transfer you are paying for your sisters bills, and she has double your income.

Just one note, directed at many not just KungfuRabbit who happened to make it most recently.  Your sister does not have double your income.  Together with her husband *they* have double your income.  This is critical distinction, because *they* also now have double the parents who might need support.

I still, as stated up thread, think that she ought to pay her bills which includes her student loans.  But on other threads I know others have been annoyed at the expectation that people will pay more because of a spouse's job without considering that the couple may also have double responsibilities (and some increased bills from supporting two).  In this case it sounds like they aren't actually shouldering the double responsibility, but regardless I felt it important to make this distinction.

[banjarian]

I agree that you should do this. If you tell them this, don't expect their approval. It may even backfire -- people can act badly when they believe there's money that they can access. My grandmother left $10K (1974) to my father in a ten year trust, with me as trustee, because she was afraid he'd immediately spend everything else in her estate. She was correct. During the 10 years, my father constantly was after me to break the trust & give him the money, but there was no actual emergency. This was when I was in my mid-20s, so saying no to my parent was very difficult. However, I wanted to honor the trust my grandmother had in me & preserve something for my father. I wish my father had the same regard for me. At one point, he hung up on me & didn't talk to me for a year -- he must have thought he was punishing me but it was actually a relief. Reluctantly I realized that he only called when he wanted something. When I transferred the money after the 10 years, I had doubled it.

We helped out my brother after his heart surgery a few years ago, in $1K increments that happened about every week. When it totaled $10K, he complained that it was time for his next payment, with no plan for the future. Although I went over his expenses with him at the start, as a condition of the payments, he was not willing to cut anything that made a difference. Meanwhile, his partner had not looked for a job for 3 years. Two cars, both with big loans. A large house with a large mortgage at 8% interest. Major CC debt & a terrible credit score. We said no to any further payments & he was furious -- he expected us to support his lifestyle because we are FI & he was declared disabled. Finally, last fall he & his partner declared bankruptcy & he lost the house.

Conclusion: Neither relative appreciated the help. Family relationships can not & should not be purchased.

This is heartbreaking. It's sad what money can do to family relationships.

And 8% rate, on a mortgage... ouch!

[Zamboni]

OP, my first reaction upon reading your plan to perhaps tell your family that "the money will be saved and available later" was the same as that of GizmoTX. I think it enables them to feel like they don't really need to plan or be careful with their own money. This is a very bad idea for them. After all, what if some tragedy befalls you? Also it seems to encourage them to keep bringing it up to see if "later" is here yet :-)

It seems like maybe a better approach would be something of acknowledging your love for them but noting that no one really seems to be really struggling now and you can't give them your money. They should not plan to rely on you to support them (even if in your mind you plan to support them at some point in the future.) They won't like it. Just keep reinforcing that you love them but will not give them your money at this time. If it keeps coming up, answer with "we've already discussed this." Then don't discuss it again other than "I love you, and I want you to know that. But I've already talked about this with you." Mom will keep bringing it up; your answer will stay the same for many, many years at the very least.

[RebeccaR]

I agree with the idea of stop paying them directly now, put money in savings so it's available to you if they ever do have a true financial emergency (which hopefully they won't), and in the meantime it's earning interest instead of being blown every month. If you take the approach of "paying them back" for rent for a year or two, I'm concerned you will wind up right back in the same place you are now - them expecting this money (and more!) from you every month, and you agonizing over what to do. It's best to just deal with it now, IMHO.

My husband and I aren't Asian, but he is the oldest of his 3 siblings, and he's like you in a lot of ways - got a degree (which he paid for himself through scholarships and student loans, which he paid off within a year of graduating), got a good paying job, we're very responsible with our money (no car payments, only $6k left on the credit cards from $150k in medical expenses over the last 12 years), I have a good paying job, too.

Meanwhile, his siblings (both in their 30s) don't work, still live at home, and his parents pay for their brand new cars (we drive a 1998 and a 2005, both of which we bought used and paid cash for), their clothes, their food. When the fiance (also unemployed and living with my in-laws) of one of the siblings complains that they didn't buy enough of his favorite soda that month, they run out to the store to buy more.

My in-laws are planning to retire next year. They still have a large mortgage, which they plan to continue having in retirement, and they only have the same amount saved in their retirement account that we do in ours, even though they're 30 years older than us. Thankfully they have pensions and 401ks that will help them, but it will still be tight.

My point is, in all likelihood they will continue to support their children until they die. (Any time we suggest that they recommend the siblings get a job, they say "We can't do that! That will upset them!" The siblings practice a lot of emotional blackmail - threaten to harm themselves if the in-laws ever suggest they take responsibility for themselves, but refuse to see a mental health counselor or other professionals for help.)

You don't want to wind up in the kind of situation where you're providing a large chunk (or all!) of the financial support for your parents and/or siblings for the rest of your life, and it's deceptively easy how guilt, expectations, and a strong desire to please the people you love can combine to make that happen.

In our case, we flat-out say to my in-laws every once in a while "You do realize that heaven forbid anything ever happens to you, we will not take over financially supporting the siblings, right?" Our 3-year-old already understands the concepts that 1) things require money to buy, 2) she will need to get a job to buy her own car and her own house when she is ready for those things. (She has decided on a red car already.) Our 1-year-old will also be taught those things at a very early age.

Please do keep us posted on what you decide to do.

[avrex]

I agree 100% that we should help out our family members.

If one of my family members were to get into financial difficulty....I would be there for them..... to assist in filling out the necessary paperwork for any government social/welfare benefits that they are entitled to.

[WoodsRun]

Meanwhile, his siblings (both in their 30s) don't work, still live at home, and his parents pay for their brand new cars (we drive a 1998 and a 2005, both of which we bought used and paid cash for), their clothes, their food. When the fiance (also unemployed and living with my in-laws) of one of the siblings complains that they didn't buy enough of his favorite soda that month, they run out to the store to buy more.

That is incredible. Surely your husbands parents must realize that their children will eventually have to fend for themselves when they are no longer around? Hopefully they don't use your husband in the future. It's amazing the stories I hear about the dynamics of different families, you just can't make this stuff up I guess.

It may even backfire -- people can act badly when they believe there's money that they can access.
......
Conclusion: Neither relative appreciated the help. Family relationships can not & should not be purchased.

In a perfect world, relationships between family would be unconditional, not depending on how much financial support you give. It's almost as if you get punished for being the responsible one.

[AH013]

The dynamics of Asian family relationship culture with money never ceases to amaze me.  Experiencing it firsthand, as Argyle said it really seems like a "find the patsy" game to use cultural expectations to con successful children out of their money through guilt about reparations for the struggle that was raising them, and then taking that money and turning right around dishing it out in a fanciful showing to whomever they want to attempt to impress be it family & friends & the world that THEY made it.  I mean look how successful they are!  They can afford to pay your sis's student loans and your brother's car (pay no attention to that man behind the curtain handing us the cash that we hand out).

As others noted, cut them off after 1 final payment.  No amount of money is ever enough, as you've already found out.  You can always come up with a little more, right?  If only you loved your parents as much as you should for all they've done for you, you could start paying them the $1,000 they deserve for raising you, instead of the paltry insulting $700 you're coming up with now.

Quick and to the point -- "I know you appreciate the financial help I've been able to gift you these past XX months, but as I settle down in (new area), I need to start saving my income for [insert life milestone like a house, grad school, dowry, whatever]".  Any resistance, feel free to follow up with "Hopefully you haven't come to rely on my temporary financial help for your lifestyle needs.  (Sis) and (Brother) let me you're in a position to help them out with X & Y, so I'm confident my not being able to gift you $700 a month isn't going to impact your needs, right?".  Notice the keywords -- temporary, financial help, my income, been able to gift you, your parents needs (not wants).  Unless you borrowed a boatload of money from them for tuition or whatever, you don't owe them shit.  Repeat again.  YOU. DON'T. OWE. THEM. SHIT.  Gifts freely given, gifts freely not given.

Unfortunately I'd also highly recommend keeping any future successes in your career to yourself.  Again, firsthand experiences, any wonderful promotions or better jobs in your career horizon that boost your earnings will likely be met with a renewed desire of your parents to discuss the reparations, er, support you can now afford to offer them in light of your better financial footing.

[WoodsRun]

Thanks for being so blunt AH013, needed to hear something to look at this objectively. I brought it up with my brother today that he needs to start paying for his own things. He said that my parents don't let him pay for his car insurance, cellphone bill, etc, (not sure if that is true) but I will bring this up next time I give my parents a check. I have not seen my sister yet but when I do I will bring up the same.

If the case really is that my parents are not letting my siblings pay for their own stuff (I really don't know) then I have a lot to work with, it will be easy to say that they don't need the money and if they are just going to hand it away then I do not need to give them any more checks as they are clearly not struggling.

I can predict that it won't go well but I can't let that hold me back. They always mention that I should be saving money and I'll let them know that I can do a pretty good job saving on my own and hope to save for a down-payment.

It is too bad that I should not be so open about any future raises or job changes with my family. I might tell them that I got a slight raise if I ever do get a higher paying job, but I won't disclose the entire amount, it will lead to a slippery slope of me being able to afford more. Of course if I withhold any larger earnings from them they will be disappointed in that I don't make a lot of money but whatever.

Some people will probably never be able to please their parents as much as they wish, so it's best that I just accept that now.

[latinlover77]

My poor sister:(

She is 25, has three kids under 4, is burden by about 15K in debt (includes college debt), and has a $13 dollar an hour job.

It pains me to see my sister living under the poverty line. I try to help as much as I can, but she also has to feel the pain of her mistakes.

[banjarian]

It is too bad that I should not be so open about any future raises or job changes with my family. I might tell them that I got a slight raise if I ever do get a higher paying job, but I won't disclose the entire amount, it will lead to a slippery slope of me being able to afford more. Of course if I withhold any larger earnings from them they will be disappointed in that I don't make a lot of money but whatever.

For what it's worth, my parents don't know a thing about my paycheck, other than that it's enough to support me. Focus on non-monetary career achievements, and they can be proud of you WITHOUT money being an issue. If you get a promotion, focus on your new responsibilities and the faith that the company is putting in you - not on the dollar amount of your paycheck.

It's really none of their business, and there's plenty more to be proud of than just the money.

[partgypsy]

It sounds like you are still seeking the approval of your parents, by your job, by how much you make or how much of a breadwinner you are. That is playing their game. They should be proud of you that you are an adult and can support yourself. Anything else is a bonus. I wouldn't necessarily share a lot of financial information with them, it's really not their business. You need to develop past needing to impress your parents to fully separate, just focus on improving your life in the direction you want and being productive, and having a healthy relationship with your family. Them seeing you as financial life support, is not a healthy relationship.

[Cassie]

If your parents can't afford their lifestyle they need to see this sooner rather then later. They can downsize their home, etc.  You did not ask to be born-it was their decision.  I would give them one last check & then tell them you need to save $ for your retirement & down payment on condo. Then don't ask any further questions & use "the broken record" method. Just keep repeating until they get sick of it. Good luck!