Author Topic: Awkward Post-Wedding Intuition (Read 27831 times)

BTDretire · « **Reply #50 on:** July 20, 2017, 07:44:55 PM »

Quote from: trailrated on July 20, 2017, 05:41:19 PM

OP UPDATE:

Confirmed one card that went missing. This was from a phone call DW had with her mother's roomie who called to talk about the wedding and mentioned not being able to attend and that she was glad she could at least do something... which was a card with a $50 Target gift card that was sent with her mother that we never received. We are going to begin contacting other attendees today.

Side update... MIL just asked to come visit next month.

more to follow.

Oh, this could be quite interesting keep good notes!

Step37 · « **Reply #51 on:** July 20, 2017, 10:47:53 PM »

Posting to follow. I agree with notifying the guests, awkward as it is. You've been given a lot of excellent advice here.

UKMustache · « **Reply #52 on:** July 21, 2017, 01:28:15 AM »

I'm posting just to follow.

Though I'll add that my wife had a lifetime of dealing with this kind of crap, her mother wasn't invited to our wedding (which wasn't a decision that was taken lightly) so I fully appreciate the situation you find yourself in.

Reassure your wife that she is in no way responsible for her mothers behavior. It may be difficult for her, particularly if she has spent a lifetime apologising for her.

shelivesthedream · « **Reply #53 on:** July 21, 2017, 02:26:03 AM »

PTF. I will say, if I gave a gift at a wedding and got a generic thank you note that didn't mention it, I would be fine with that politeness-wise. The bride and groom have loads of notes to write, I'm not going to demand that mine is super-personal. So if you did want to send out "Thank you for coming" notes now and investigate later so as not to bother guests who don't need it and to be prompt about thank yous, I think that's fine.

coconutindex · « **Reply #54 on:** July 21, 2017, 10:03:42 AM »

Posting to follow, and the best of luck to you in this horrible situation!

HappierAtHome · « **Reply #55 on:** July 21, 2017, 12:12:41 PM »

PTF. Good luck.

My mother was never a thief, but was / is a terrible enough mother that I stopped all contact seven years ago, including not inviting her to my wedding last year. So your wife has my very heartfelt sympathy.

Loren Ver · « **Reply #56 on:** July 21, 2017, 03:20:55 PM »

Ask her to bring the cards back when she comes to visit....

Zamboni · « **Reply #57 on:** July 21, 2017, 03:32:41 PM »

^lol! Wait, okay it's really not a funny situation . . . you have my sympathy.

TheGrimSqueaker · « **Reply #58 on:** July 21, 2017, 03:59:16 PM »

Quote from: Loren Ver on July 21, 2017, 03:20:55 PM

Ask her to bring the cards back when she comes to visit....

Indeed. That lets her know that you're on to her. Oh, and don't let her loose in your home unsupervised unless you want your socks stolen too.

KBecks · « **Reply #59 on:** July 21, 2017, 04:23:24 PM »

My 2cents. This is for your wife to handle for the most part.

You should get additional confirmation that other cards or gifts are missing, so contact a small group of maybe 10 or 15 people you are close to and chat, let them know there might have been a theft, (do not mention anything about who) and chat about it and see where things stand. Make sure that it's a positive conversation overall about life and things, but also a check in on what happened re the cards.

Your mother in law should not visit. If you determine that she took your cards, you can never ever trust her again.

GreenSheep · « **Reply #60 on:** July 21, 2017, 08:21:43 PM »

Visit?! I would someone who did this to me 100% out of my life forever. Never mind the genes, etc.

marty998 · « **Reply #61 on:** July 21, 2017, 08:38:35 PM »

Quote from: GreenSheep on July 21, 2017, 08:21:43 PM

Visit?! I would erase someone who did this to me 100% out of my life forever. Never mind the genes, etc.

FTFY

Bicycle_B · « **Reply #62 on:** July 21, 2017, 09:02:25 PM »

Why not inform everyone that some gifts were stolen, so they need to realize that if they gave a gift without getting thanked, their gift was one of the stolen ones?

Example:

Having forgiven the people who disobeyed our suggestion and brought gifts, we feel duty bound to report that some of the gifts appear to been stolen. For reasons of identity theft as well as human caring, anyone who left a gift and isn't specifically getting thanked needs to be aware that the gift was stolen. Any information on what was given and not thanked is helpful in tracking the crime, but as a personal matter, please limit followup on this to information - no double gifts allowed, unless patience counts as a gift. In any case, we are so glad for the many friends and loved ones who attended! Your company has given our marriage a great start.

FIRE47 · « **Reply #63 on:** July 22, 2017, 04:10:09 AM »

Sorry to throw this is but I must say MIL lacks all common sense or must be extremely desperate and in need of her fix. She should have taken 1-2 items but instead got greedy and I would be very careful around this woman. Someone who will rob their daughter blind on their wedding day with no fear of getting caught seems desperate enough to be dangerous.

Out of 115 people /2 as usually 1 gift per couple you would expect 57 gift. A few couples would forget or not bring anything day of perhaps to be sent later. So by my estimation you would expect 50-55 gifts. You got 7....

Without taking too much time to estimate the value (1 generous uncle or two can really throw things off) it's likely she took at least $5k from you but possibly way more. It's not unheard of that a well off relative will often leave $500- several thousand.

RobFIRE · « **Reply #64 on:** July 22, 2017, 05:04:27 AM »

Well, what a crappy situation to be in on what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your lives.

I think in that situation I would first contact my close friends and family by phone call and be honest about the situation of a suspected theft, without saying that you suspect anybody, and ask if they left a card or gift/cheque etc. Ask your wife to do the same with her friends & other family. Document what they tell you. Having told them this you can send a more generic thank you card and they will understand if it doesn't specifically mention their gift. For those you know less well a generic "thank you" card is probably fine anyway.

If you do clearly establish that a number of cards/gifts are missing, which it seems you almost certainly will, you then have a decision point.

Either it is a criminal theft, so you will report it to the police. Your wife might have the option of calling her mother in tears etc. saying what has happened etc. before contacting the police, in case her mother wants to own up at that point to avoid police involvement. Once the police are involved you then have to be prepared to press charges against the MIL. The police would likely be able to establish who did it e.g. by tracing the cheques and/or tracing the serial numbers of gift cards, if they are willing to investigate it that far (but they may see it as a family dispute not worth their time).

That your mother in law one day had no money and after the wedding had enough for a plane ticket has no reasonable explanation short of a lottery ticket win.

Or, as you say, you decide to drop the matter as you don't need the money and the hassle and implications on family relationships are too severe.

I think I would discuss with your wife but make it clear it is ultimately her decision as it's her mother, and you will support her decision either way. Going down the route of the police investigation is effectively saying you will both terminate the relationship with the MIL.

A person with an ongoing addiction is unfortunately likely to be a very difficult and stessful person to deal with, I would be inclined to minimize contact, meet them only in neutral places and not have them in my home, unless the person is willing to seek professional help and turn their life around.

Missy B · « **Reply #65 on:** July 31, 2017, 08:54:00 PM »

Agreeing with everyone here about the need -- in the course of thanking them -- to inform guests that you had gifts and cards stolen, and quantify as much as possible what went missing. I think people will be very helpful if they understand the situation.

Because it may be that the best thing, long-term, is to press charges. It also may be that it isn't worth the emotional cost to you and your wife, but to let this go completely is enabling MIL's behaviour and educating her that she can rob you without consequence. Pressing charges would be hardest on your wife, and i think it's worth talking to an addictions counsellor - one who has worked with people who have fully destroyed their lives, not just 'functional' addicts - for some perspective on the value of possible courses of action.
People don't seek help until they hit bottom. What you do here could help MIL hit bottom... or keep her floating along a good while longer.

The other thing is, if MIL has a bunch of names and addresses, she now has the ability to scam them 'on your behalf'. She can call them and say how she is the bride's mom, how nice it was to meet you. She has such an awkward request... her daughter and her new husband are in financial trouble. They would never admit it, her husband is too proud. But they are in real difficulty and (insert great story here) she wonders if they can help. A little. Just send her the money and she'll forward it on, they never need to know it's from you.
So as much as you might not want to say anything about who did the stealing, I think you may need to, to protect your relationships.

I remember reading a story about a girl whose mother solicited funds on her behalf from extended family and friends for years 'for college'. She never saw any of the money, and only found out about it when her (grandfather?) called her out for never saying thank-you for the thousands all her relatives had given her.

MBot · « **Reply #66 on:** July 31, 2017, 09:03:27 PM »

Quote from: Missy B on July 31, 2017, 08:54:00 PM

Agreeing with everyone here about the need -- in the course of thanking them -- to inform guests that you had gifts and cards stolen, and quantify as much as possible what went missing. I think people will be very helpful if they understand the situation.

Because it may be that the best thing, long-term, is to press charges. It also may be that it isn't worth the emotional cost to you and your wife, but to let this go completely is enabling MIL's behaviour and educating her that she can rob you without consequence. Pressing charges would be hardest on your wife, and i think it's worth talking to an addictions counsellor - one who has worked with people who have fully destroyed their lives, not just 'functional' addicts - for some perspective on the value of possible courses of action.
People don't seek help until they hit bottom. What you do here could help MIL hit bottom... or keep her floating along a good while longer.

The other thing is, if MIL has a bunch of names and addresses, she now has the ability to scam them 'on your behalf'. She can call them and say how she is the bride's mom, how nice it was to meet you. She has such an awkward request... her daughter and her new husband are in financial trouble. They would never admit it, her husband is too proud. But they are in real difficulty and (insert great story here) she wonders if they can help. A little. Just send her the money and she'll forward it on, they never need to know it's from you.
So as much as you might not want to say anything about who did the stealing, I think you may need to, to protect your relationships.

I remember reading a story about a girl whose mother solicited funds on her behalf from extended family and friends for years 'for college'. She never saw any of the money, and only found out about it when her (grandfather?) called her out for never saying thank-you for the thousands all her relatives had given her.

+1. For this reason alone, I believe you have an obligation to let guests know that some gifts appear to have been stolen, and to caution them about identity theft or anyone contacting them on your behalf.

Dicey · « **Reply #67 on:** July 31, 2017, 10:27:14 PM »

Oh boy... P2F.

LadyStache in Baja · « **Reply #68 on:** August 01, 2017, 05:59:53 AM »

I think you'll need to confront MIL so that you have a legitimate reason for why she CAN'T visit!

Righty · « **Reply #69 on:** August 01, 2017, 09:43:07 AM »

If it walks like a duck...

To be completely fair though - anyone could have taken the cards between the ceremony and when your MIL gave them to you. Was the box secure inside all night?

I attended a wedding a few weeks ago and the newlyweds were missing a ton of cards - their guess was someone who worked at the venue did it but they haven't found any concrete answers yet either.

Good luck to you - terrible situation regardless

I'm a red panda · « **Reply #70 on:** August 01, 2017, 11:37:15 AM »

Quote from: trailrated on July 20, 2017, 05:41:19 PM

OP UPDATE:

Confirmed one card that went missing. This was from a phone call DW had with her mother's roomie who called to talk about the wedding and mentioned not being able to attend and that she was glad she could at least do something... which was a card with a $50 Target gift card that was sent with her mother that we never received. We are going to begin contacting other attendees today.

Side update... MIL just asked to come visit next month.

more to follow.

On the very unlikely chance this person saved their receipt, gift cards can be canceled and reissued. Some store can even look up reciepts using your credit cards. You need to communicate there was a problem to your guests. Most will want you to get the gift, not a thief.

Steelers1982 · « **Reply #71 on:** August 01, 2017, 12:29:45 PM »

A police report should absolutely be filed... I'd think the police could track down the thief, by tracking any attempts at cashing the cheques, or even from gift card usage if any of your guests are able to provide the police with the gift card receipts.

If you don't want to get the police involved... Keep an eye on Craigslist, Kijiji(Canada), Facebook buy and sells, etc in your MIL's hometown to see if you can catch her in the act of selling any of the gift cards or presents from your registry. If you can get any gift card receipts, you might be able to log in to view the gift card online... Rather than cancel it you could track it to see where it was used? If it's used in your MIL's hometown, you have a relatively definitive answer to the whodunit question.

We had a similar sized wedding... There were only 3 couples who didn't give us anything, so the 5 cards you received is definitely WAY low.

ysette9 · « **Reply #72 on:** August 01, 2017, 01:14:15 PM »

Very curious to follow this one as well. I don't have anything to add to all of the good advice here so far. I do find myself wondering how someone like Miss Manners would advise you to handle the situation. Any idea if there are advice columnists out on the internets who have tackled this issue? This can't be the first time it has happened to someone.

Zoot · « **Reply #73 on:** August 02, 2017, 05:42:59 AM »

Posting to follow. I'm so sorry you're in this situation--but it could end up being a blessing in disguise if you do learn that she did engage in this behavior, because then you know you have to be wary of recurrence and take steps to forestall it.

ender · « **Reply #74 on:** August 02, 2017, 07:37:59 AM »

It might be worth contacting the venue too (not sure if "backyard type wedding" and "venue" from your OP suggest it was your backyard or a paid venue).

They may be able to confirm what happened at the venue and narrow things down, particularly if they have any security footage.

Regarding contacting people, you can break the awkwardness even by sending a card that straight up acknowledges it:

Quote

Thank you for coming to our wedding. We really appreciate your spending time to come celebrate our special day with us.

We are in a rather embarrassing situation right now though and would love your help - a bunch of cards seem to have gone missing and we are trying to track them down to understand what has happened. It's really awkward to ask but because of this, if you did give us a card can you please let us know, so we can keep investigating.

Thank you again for choosing to spend your time with us!

Also, this makes me question my policy of cash gifts at weddings. I've preferred cash over checks in recent years, but this makes me want to give a check at future weddings.

Roe · « **Reply #75 on:** August 02, 2017, 09:31:57 AM »

Quote from: trailrated on July 20, 2017, 05:41:19 PM

OP UPDATE:

Confirmed one card that went missing. This was from a phone call DW had with her mother's roomie who called to talk about the wedding and mentioned not being able to attend and that she was glad she could at least do something... which was a card with a $50 Target gift card that was sent with her mother that we never received. We are going to begin contacting other attendees today.

Side update... MIL just asked to come visit next month.

more to follow.

Ow, what an awful situation, i feel for you and your wife.

Quote from: trailrated on July 17, 2017, 05:16:56 PM

I have come to appreciate the long distance relationship there.

This tickled the darker sides of my humor.

Goldielocks · « **Reply #76 on:** August 02, 2017, 11:34:04 AM »

Quote from: FIRE47 on July 22, 2017, 04:10:09 AM

Out of 115 people /2 as usually 1 gift per couple you would expect 57 gift. A few couples would forget or not bring anything day of perhaps to be sent later. So by my estimation you would expect 50-55 gifts. You got 7....

I think your math is off...? At my wedding, we had 70 people attend, but there were quite a few families, so 1 card per 3 people was more like it. If I had said "no presents", maybe cut that in half, so that it would be 1 card per 6 people.. Although I would say that I would definitely get a card to the couple either before the wedding or at it, even if I was not giving a gift. As another posted, getting a nice card at a shower / engagement could be all.

115/6 = 19 ish cards, some with money or gift, some without.

FIRE47 · « **Reply #77 on:** August 02, 2017, 12:17:06 PM »

Quote from: Goldielocks on August 02, 2017, 11:34:04 AM

Quote from: FIRE47 on July 22, 2017, 04:10:09 AM

Out of 115 people /2 as usually 1 gift per couple you would expect 57 gift. A few couples would forget or not bring anything day of perhaps to be sent later. So by my estimation you would expect 50-55 gifts. You got 7....

I think your math is off...? At my wedding, we had 70 people attend, but there were quite a few families, so 1 card per 3 people was more like it. If I had said "no presents", maybe cut that in half, so that it would be 1 card per 6 people.. Although I would say that I would definitely get a card to the couple either before the wedding or at it, even if I was not giving a gift. As another posted, getting a nice card at a shower / engagement could be all.

115/6 = 19 ish cards, some with money or gift, some without.

I missed the part about "no gift". All bets are off then - without asking everyone, who knows what was actually received. You would think most people would bring a card though like you said.

NoVa · « **Reply #78 on:** August 02, 2017, 12:40:20 PM »

Anyone else anxiously awaiting an update from the OP?

ysette9 · « **Reply #79 on:** August 02, 2017, 12:43:50 PM »

Quote

Anyone else anxiously awaiting an update from the OP?

~Raises hand~

PoutineLover · « **Reply #80 on:** August 02, 2017, 12:46:09 PM »

Quote from: ysette9 on August 02, 2017, 12:43:50 PM

Quote
Anyone else anxiously awaiting an update from the OP?

~Raises hand~

me too. I want to know how this ends.. I'm guessing not well

Dicey · « **Reply #81 on:** August 03, 2017, 08:40:47 PM »

Quote from: PoutineLover on August 02, 2017, 12:46:09 PM

Quote from: ysette9 on August 02, 2017, 12:43:50 PM
Quote
Anyone else anxiously awaiting an update from the OP?

~Raises hand~
me too. I want to know how this ends.. I'm guessing not well

Me three.

With This Herring · « **Reply #82 on:** August 03, 2017, 09:12:25 PM »

People have mentioned SSN issues a few times. Have you and your wife both gotten credit freezes? I would assume that MIL knows your wife's SSN. You should be proactive on this, as it sounds like MIL is falling into worse and worse paths.

1967mama · « **Reply #83 on:** August 03, 2017, 09:33:37 PM »

So sorry to read about your situation:-( Posting to follow.

intellectsucks · « **Reply #84 on:** August 03, 2017, 10:22:51 PM »

Your MIL staying with you "for a month" should be absolutely out of the question in this case, especially since "for a month" is likely code for "I fucked up my living situation so I'll stay with you guys indefinitely".
Agree with the previous advice of notifying guests that some gifts may have been stolen, then putting as much distance (physical, emotional and financial) between you guys and your toxic MIL as possible.
Good luck!!!

nnls · « **Reply #85 on:** August 03, 2017, 11:06:03 PM »

I am so sorry this happened, sucky situation all round, I don't have any helpful advice beyond what has already been offered

Snow · « **Reply #86 on:** August 04, 2017, 01:01:21 AM »

Loads of great advice in this post.

Quote from: KBecks on July 21, 2017, 04:23:24 PM

My 2cents. This is for your wife to handle for the most part.

I am not entirely sure that is always the right way. I think they should absolutely talk about it and establish whether or not the wife wants to handle it on her own or not. Some times (often) it is easier for an outsider to put up healthy boundaries. The wife has to agree to the boundaries, of course, but it can be helpful to have someone support you absolutely and give a helping hand when it's difficult. Even just knowing that husband will say no if wife is not able to can be the mental kick needed to take a deep breath and say that "no" yourself.

I grew up in a mentally abusive household with certain abusive extended family as well. Then I blundered into an abusive friendship as a teen. It took over ten years and moving to the other side of the country, plus finally building a healthy circle of friends, before I was able to tear away to a level I was actually comfortable with. It is damn difficult and takes a whole lot of practice/trying/failing, even when you really want to tear yourself away from it.

I am sincerely sorry you have to deal with this kind of thing.

Dicey · « **Reply #87 on:** August 04, 2017, 08:21:49 AM »

Dunno, I'm sorry this happened, but if it kept you from letting your MIL come for what she hoped to turn into a permavisit (IF that was her intent and IF she did it), you may have dodged a bullet.

Another thought to add: if you do reach out to your guests, be sure to lead with an acknowledgement that you did not ask for gifts. You don't want this pinata to explode into something that looks like a reverse gift grab. Plus, everyone's heard stories of gifts being stolen, so this is, sadly, somewhat familiar territory.

markbike528CBX · « **Reply #88 on:** August 04, 2017, 09:55:27 AM »

posting to follow. So glad we got married in Vegas.

Dicey · « **Reply #89 on:** August 04, 2017, 11:09:55 AM »

Quote from: markbike528CBX on August 04, 2017, 09:55:27 AM

posting to follow. So glad we got married in Vegas.

We eloped close to home. Best idea ever.

marion10 · « **Reply #90 on:** August 07, 2017, 12:02:31 PM »

I am so sorry this happened- I always give gifts by check in these situations- I would want to know so I could stop payment or see if it has been cashed.

Apples · « **Reply #91 on:** August 26, 2017, 01:27:37 PM »

People will see the thank you as a confirmation that you got their gift. If you skip over thanking them for a gift in the thank you card, they will wonder what happened. At least, that happened for us. Several people reached out to say they were glad to (finally!) know we had gotten their gifts. This was 3 months after the wedding, after a 2 week honeymoon, almost another 2 weeks without water at our house, and then busy season at our jobs. People were beginning to wonder if we'd ever gotten some things!

Dicey · « **Reply #92 on:** August 26, 2017, 03:11:14 PM »

Hey trailrated, any update?

farfromfire · « **Reply #93 on:** August 27, 2017, 09:16:05 AM »

Quote from: shelivesthedream on July 21, 2017, 02:26:03 AM

PTF. I will say, if I gave a gift at a wedding and got a generic thank you note that didn't mention it, I would be fine with that politeness-wise. The bride and groom have loads of notes to write, I'm not going to demand that mine is super-personal. So if you did want to send out "Thank you for coming" notes now and investigate later so as not to bother guests who don't need it and to be prompt about thank yous, I think that's fine.

Same here. Truth be told, no note would be fine by me as well - If I attend a wedding and/or give a gift it's to benefit the happy couple, not inconvenience them with complicated note writing.

Most importantly, however, is communicating frankly with your wife about her mother as similar situations might plague you for years to come. I am surprised she's OK with your MIL visiting so soon after stealing some/most of your wedding gifts.

talltexan · « **Reply #94 on:** August 28, 2017, 09:19:11 AM »

partgypsy · « **Reply #95 on:** August 28, 2017, 10:58:34 AM »

posting to follow. I also think as a courtesy would be good to send out a message to all, saying cards went missing and if sent gift not acknowledged please contact. Also suggest if ones gone missing to cancel check or gift card if possible. I know if my gift did not go to intended recipient I would want to be informed.

LittleWanderer · « **Reply #96 on:** August 28, 2017, 11:23:29 AM »

Also posting to follow!

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Author Topic: Awkward Post-Wedding Intuition (Read 27831 times)