Paying the price for others mistakes?

[partgypsy]

This topic is on my mind. If people read back, I have a long standing issue where my mother only worked part time, but after the divorce (25+ years ago) and all the kids moved out, refused to downsize from her 4 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath house in an expensive suburb. As nature abhors a vacumn, my older parasitic brother moved in(20+ years ago) as well as my sister (10 or less years ago). anyways this has been a topic of debate for many years, which have gotten especially intense after she retired over 2 years ago, making no income and having only a ss of 550 a month. When you realize that she pays 7K a year in property taxes (her entire income) you can see how this situation has been unsustainable, to put it mildly. Anyways, the last couple years,  I helped research realtors, got her in touch with them, which she would then talk on phone but then cancel. Then my nephew got his realtor involved. Two times meetings were scheduled, and mom canceled them at last minute. Both my brother and nephew said, we are not going to help any more this is embarrassing at this point. BUT- they did one college try after she begged them to help. She agreed to meeting with the realtor in her home, so she can get an estimate of house worth. And the same day she had a meeting with an interested buyer (that she had canceled at last minute before). I talked to her on Sunday to see how it went. AND- yep she canceled both meetings, while at the same time being upset at her taxes being due, asking me for money, etc. I yelled in frustration and she hung up on me. I had even offered to have her move in with me for a month so my brother and john could handle the sale, but she wont agree to it.
 
I guess it is particularly galling, at this time in my life, practically speaking I function as a single mom, and work full time. I have no time to myself. At work I'm on projects that add up to 175% of my time (40 hours is 100%) I'm trying to promote a book, and also trying to declutter and downsize stuff in my house, and be there for my kids. She is retired it is her life, and can't handle this ONE thing and asks me for money when she knows my financial/life situation.  My Dad is having health issues from the stress of it, because he feels once the crap hits the fan, he will have to let my brother move in with him (1 bedroom apartment). He is literally having cardiac symptoms due to it (arrhythmia) and says when this happens it will be the death of him. I say it is not his problem he doesn't need to take him in, but he says he can't live with himself to see his son be on the street. The whole situation is incredibly frustrating and stressful to me. Anyways not going to talk to them for a month.

[wenchsenior]

This topic is on my mind. If people read back, I have a long standing issue where my mother only worked part time, but after the divorce (25+ years ago) and all the kids moved out, refused to downsize from her 4 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath house in an expensive suburb. As nature abhors a vacumn, my older parasitic brother moved in(20+ years ago) as well as my sister (10 or less years ago). anyways this has been a topic of debate for many years, which have gotten especially intense after she retired over 2 years ago, making no income and having only a ss of 550 a month. When you realize that she pays 7K a year in property taxes (her entire income) you can see how this situation has been unsustainable, to put it mildly. Anyways, the last couple years,  I helped research realtors, got her in touch with them, which she would then talk on phone but then cancel. Then my nephew got his realtor involved. Two times meetings were scheduled, and mom canceled them at last minute. Both my brother and nephew said, we are not going to help any more this is embarrassing at this point. BUT- they did one college try after she begged them to help. She agreed to meeting with the realtor in her home, so she can get an estimate of house worth. And the same day she had a meeting with an interested buyer (that she had canceled at last minute before). I talked to her on Sunday to see how it went. AND- yep she canceled both meetings, while at the same time being upset at her taxes being due, asking me for money, etc. I yelled in frustration and she hung up on me. I had even offered to have her move in with me for a month so my brother and john could handle the sale, but she wont agree to it.
 
I guess it is particularly galling, at this time in my life, practically speaking I function as a single mom, and work full time. I have no time to myself. At work I'm on projects that add up to 175% of my time (40 hours is 100%) I'm trying to promote a book, and also trying to declutter and downsize stuff in my house, and be there for my kids. She is retired it is her life, and can't handle this ONE thing and asks me for money when she knows my financial/life situation.  My Dad is having health issues from the stress of it, because he feels once the crap hits the fan, he will have to let my brother move in with him (1 bedroom apartment). He is literally having cardiac symptoms due to it (arrhythmia) and says when this happens it will be the death of him. I say it is not his problem he doesn't need to take him in, but he says he can't live with himself to see his son be on the street. The whole situation is incredibly frustrating and stressful to me. Anyways not going to talk to them for a month.

Unfortunately, I suspect that if your in-denial family members are anything like ours, it will take imminent homelessness before she/they are willing to change anything.  Being unable to afford a place to live forced one of ours into cooperative mode; but not even that changed the behavior of the other, who as I mentioned then just began living homeless.  Not sure how long people can live in homes without paying property taxes, but quite a few years, I am pretty sure (I have a different family member who did this without losing her home for at least 3 or 4 years before she died and it became a moot point).  You might just have to let the consequences happen to your family and then see where they stand. 

[wenchsenior]

Man,  this thread is making me feel really sad; it's reminding me of the creeping dread I experienced from grad school onward as it gradually became clear what would be eventually landing on my proverbial doorstep.  For my first 10 years or so of 'adulting',  I was able to ignore it and pretend it would somehow fix itself and I could make my choices independent of the consequences of others' choices.  But eventually I could no longer fool myself.  That was when my mental state took a big hit, and sometimes I wonder if I'm really 'normal' now, if 'normal' is even meaningful once you are past a certain age or stage of life-experience.  I mean, I FEEL ok, but sometimes I suspect that scenario really affected the person I've become more than I realize...would I be more optimistic, more emotionally open, more joyful if I hadn't dealt with it? Did it change me from  a forward-looking person to my current default state (a somewhat 'bunkered' anticipation of the next time the shit will hit the fan)? Or would the realities of adulting, aging, dealing with regular life challenges have left me in more or less the same place, personality-wise?

Hard to know. At the minimum,  I suspect the situation contributed to me becoming tougher, more cynical, more brutally practical, less able to emotionally engage with friends and family.  But mostly this thread is making me recall that several-year period leading up to the crunch point, when I had constant anxiety and hamster-on-wheel brain  trying to figure out how to manage the situation.  I can see that in some posters here.  It is exhausting, and I really feel for everyone facing this.

[fluffmuffin]

Hard to know. At the minimum,  I suspect the situation contributed to me becoming tougher, more cynical, more brutally practical, less able to emotionally engage with friends and family.  But mostly this thread is making me recall that several-year period leading up to the crunch point, when I had constant anxiety and hamster-on-wheel brain  trying to figure out how to manage the situation.  I can see that in some posters here.  It is exhausting, and I really feel for everyone facing this.

I'm there, wenchsenior. My dad is better off than a lot of folks on here, in that he's in (mostly) good health and can (mostly) pay (most of) his bills, and is unlikely to be destitute with SS and the pension. But the day is coming when it's all going to fall apart. If he hasn't downsized and handled some shit by then (which I assume he won't), it's going to be rough no matter how diligently I boundary-set. I just don't have the skills, financial resources, or aptitude to keep up with everything he's juggling, even on a short-term basis.