Would you/do you help pay off SO's student loans?

[Mesmoiselle]

I've been a thread like this before. Where those who share the same pot say those who keep it separate are doomed to divorce. It's not about every man for himself, and it's a fact. My marriage is going strong, no divorce on the horizon, and have negotiated "fair shares" three times as life has changeover last three years.

I think one's ability to negotiate and be heard is far more important than one pot or two.

[greaper007]

My wife is the only one that brings in income in the house, so she paid off mine.    Though we don't really consider our paychecks or jobs as separate entities.    We're both taking care of a household and raising children.    She's doing it by going to work everyday and I'm doing it by taking kids to school, the children's museum, play dates, making dinner etc.

I don't get the idea of being in a marriage with separate finances.    Unless you have a pre-nup (and sometimes even with one), most of those finances would be divided up if you got divorced.   Might as well live as one now.

Not always. If I come into the marriage with a million in assets and you come in with nothing, and then use my assets in a combined way - say buy a house - those assets cease to be separate property and so if we divorce even if we were married a short time, you would likely get 1/2 of all the assets that I brought into the marriage. That's great in long term marriages or those of equal financials, but could be financially devastating to one partner (the one with the high assets) if it's a short term marriage. I have had many friends in this situation who lost half or more of their pre-marriage wealth when a marriage dissolved with in a few years. But then I live in a community property state so it may be different elsewhere.

I met my wife when I was 21, got married at 27.    Neither one of us had any money.   She made more but she also had more debt from her doctorate.   I guess if you're post 40 and on your second or third marriage it's an issue, but I was referring more to traditional arrangements.

[Stlbroke]

My current plan is to have enough $ to pay off her student loans the day after we get married. Then I will tell her to give me something like 80% of what she was paying so I can invest or pay down mortgage.

[DoubleDown]

I don't get this every man for himself attitude when it comes to marriage.

[My emphasis above] As one of the people here who got a prenup, I agree with your statement about marriage. But I'd argue the point is really, "every man for himself attitude when it comes to divorce." I really, really wish everyone would behave honorably in a divorce, but I also really wish there were unicorns, and it still isn't coming true!

[Joel]

I paid off her student loans shortly after we got engaged. I didn't want to be saving for a wedding while paying 6% interest.

[GizmoTX]

Wendy Davis filed for divorce the day after her husband made the final payment for the last 2 years of her undergraduate degree at TCU & her Harvard law degree. As a condition of the divorce, he sold his title company & gave half the proceeds to her. It happens. However, they were married 18 years.

[pagoconcheques]

The only reason this is even a question is because the OP used the term "SO" instead of spouse. 

Short answer, if you are married then obviously yes, if you are not married then absolutely not.

[matchewed]

The only reason this is even a question is because the OP used the term "SO" instead of spouse. 

Short answer, if you are married then obviously yes, if you are not married then absolutely not.

I don't think you've read the variety of the answers. There is no obligation to pay off your spouses loans. For some people what you say is true, for others it is not. Therefore it is not so obvious.

[dmn]

Are you saying that if your SO was ill for a long time, or became SAH, or worked part time in future, you would still insist that their debt was theirs only?

Would you insist on splitting living costs 50-50 even if one person earned 5x the other person's salary, for similar efforts between house work and employment between you?

What is the purpose of getting married if so?

For me, marriage is a public statement that I want to share my life with my future wife. This implies that many big decisions are made together, many of which affect our finances (like deciding which town to live in, which flat to rent, how to spend our free time together, etc.).

However, there are also other financial decisions which we can each do individually for ourselves. For example, my fiancee currently prefers the idea to work full-time until she is FI, whereas I might want to switch to part-time work eventually and work a few more years. I also like to be free in my non-essential spending, and not mind my SO's non-essential spending, which is guaranteed if we both earn the money that we decide to spend ourselves. Basically we both get to choose according to our own preferences, within the limits of the big life decisions that we take together.

If one of us earns somewhat more than the other (currently my fiancee earns more, in the future I will probably surpass her income), then I would generally still split the mutual costs 50:50, as the earnings are significantly affected by our individual life choices. If I choose to work very hard to earn much money now, why should that mean I pay more? And if I decide that working only 20 hrs/week is more fun, why should my spouse suddenly pay (and therefore work more) for my extra leisure time?

Of course, special circumstances would change that. If my spouse became seriously ill, money would be the least of my worries and I would naturally pay all the bills until she hopefully gets better. If I was comfortably reaching FI while my spouse was stuck at a sucky job, I'd voluntarily work an extra year or two to help her out. (Those would anyway be my natural individual spending decisions in such a case: I want my spouse to be happy, so how to better spend my money than helping her out in a tough situation?)

Nevertheless, as a general rule, I prefer separate finances, as those automatically make everybody contribute equally to the common financial goals while allowing maximum freedom of choice for each partner's individual earning and spending decisions.

[KMMK]

Are you saying that if your SO was ill for a long time, or became SAH, or worked part time in future, you would still insist that their debt was theirs only?

Would you insist on splitting living costs 50-50 even if one person earned 5x the other person's salary, for similar efforts between house work and employment between you?

What is the purpose of getting married if so?

For me, marriage is a public statement that I want to share my life with my future wife. This implies that many big decisions are made together, many of which affect our finances (like deciding which town to live in, which flat to rent, how to spend our free time together, etc.).

However, there are also other financial decisions which we can each do individually for ourselves. For example, my fiancee currently prefers the idea to work full-time until she is FI, whereas I might want to switch to part-time work eventually and work a few more years. I also like to be free in my non-essential spending, and not mind my SO's non-essential spending, which is guaranteed if we both earn the money that we decide to spend ourselves. Basically we both get to choose according to our own preferences, within the limits of the big life decisions that we take together.

If one of us earns somewhat more than the other (currently my fiancee earns more, in the future I will probably surpass her income), then I would generally still split the mutual costs 50:50, as the earnings are significantly affected by our individual life choices. If I choose to work very hard to earn much money now, why should that mean I pay more? And if I decide that working only 20 hrs/week is more fun, why should my spouse suddenly pay (and therefore work more) for my extra leisure time?

Of course, special circumstances would change that. If my spouse became seriously ill, money would be the least of my worries and I would naturally pay all the bills until she hopefully gets better. If I was comfortably reaching FI while my spouse was stuck at a sucky job, I'd voluntarily work an extra year or two to help her out. (Those would anyway be my natural individual spending decisions in such a case: I want my spouse to be happy, so how to better spend my money than helping her out in a tough situation?)

Nevertheless, as a general rule, I prefer separate finances, as those automatically make everybody contribute equally to the common financial goals while allowing maximum freedom of choice for each partner's individual earning and spending decisions.

Exactly how my husband and I feel and arrange things.

[pagoconcheques]

I don't think you've read the variety of the answers. There is no obligation to pay off your spouses loans. For some people what you say is true, for others it is not. Therefore it is not so obvious.

I did read the answers. I also read the title of the original post where the pronoun "you" appears.  So, yeah, I answered relative to what "I" would do.  I did not state that I thought anybody had an "obligation" and I did not explore whether what "I" would do would be true for others or not.  Apparently I erred in thinking it was "obvious" that a post in a thread would directly answer the question asked in the thread title. 

[AgileTurtle]

I would be extremely hesitant to be in a relationship at all with someone with debt, and I wouldn't pay off their loans for them. Consumer debt generally indicates a number of bad things about a person, including their decision making skills, future thinking, priorities, values, math skills, and propensity towards ER.

That is a bit extreme but it is your life. Generally you might be right but there are plenty of exceptions.

[queenie]

My husband and I pool our debt and our income and consider all of it "ours".  It works for us.

[Apples]

I've been married less than 6 months, and we are paying off student loans together.  In fact, I paid off half of them with 3/4 of what I had in savings 2 days after we got married.  In our case, the job/income situation will change over the years as we have kids or face major changes (like right now-he's quitting his job without another lined up for the moment due to safety concerns).  We are in it together.  I always wonder how people w/ separate finances would handle one of them getting sick in the hospital for weeks or months of being unable to work.  Also, I am planning to run my family's business, which will involved buying it, and my husband has to be totally on board with this for us to actually consider marriage.  The the debt paydown is just one step of many large savings goals during our lifetimes.  Also, my income will one day be highly variable because farm income off perennial crops (apple trees!) can have major swings and all comes at once, but if it's low I can't just go work a few extra hours to bring it up.

In addition, while we were dating and then more so when we were engaged I helped pay them down.  I couldn't stand to watch that interest build at such a high rate on what feels like a large amount of loans.  While we dated, I would send a $500 or $1,000 check in every few months to help keep the balance from growing.  My now-husband got injured and in the hospital/recuperating for 6 weeks twice in one year, and didn't make any money at those times, so I helped him out.  I thought it through, we were committed and I didn't' judge him to be irresponsible, and I decided I wouldn't miss the money later.  (I also was increasing my net worth $15,000-$20,000 a year as college student with a small part-time job thanks to some stipends, scholarships, and relatives; so I wasn't carefully watching my budget either).  Once we were engaged and living together, I put $1500/month of savings on the loans in addition to "our" regular double the minimum monthly payment.  We lived on a joint budget at that time since it was 6 months to our wedding, and he had just moved 500 miles to live together.

[202009]

My wife had student debt coming into our marriage, I was aware of the amount/interest/etc well before we got married.  Once we got married and joined all finances we paid it off in the first month.

[Zikoris]

I always wonder how people w/ separate finances would handle one of them getting sick in the hospital for weeks or months of being unable to work.

I can answer that! My boyfriend has been unemployed for a few short stretches early in our relationship. He just dipped into his savings and kept paying his share of joint expenses. Our base expenses are low enough that we've never needed to cut anything for him to be comfortable. He chose what personal expenses of his to keep and what to cut.

[Lanthiriel]

I agree that you should be working toward common financial goals if you are married. I married young, and my H went into significant student loan debt during our marriage before we got smart about personal finance. I see his degree as an investment in our future, so of course I am helping him pay it off. And when we're done with that, we will start saving jointly saving for a down payment on a house.

[Guesl982374]

I was unwilling to be with someone (before I was married) with vastly different financial views. I did not want to pay for someone elses' debt (consumer or SLs). There was no way I was going to marry (or seriously date) someone with high student loans.

FYI - My wife and I talked about finances about 3-6 months into the relationship (note, not marriage) and we were pretty much on the same page.

[babysnowbyrd]

As far as paying off a spouses debt (I'm in the definitely-only-AFTER-the-marriage-has-happened boat):

For me, how a person is currently handling their finances is a big consideration in people I date (although I am aware that anyone has potential to be a Mustachian convert!) I'd want to see some major progress during the course of the relationship (and definitely not stupid-spendy purchases!)

That being said, it would still make me nervous if they had too much debt. Especially consumer/high interest debt, but even if it's for SL if it's something like $200k---What the what?! And no matter how much I trusted the person, being in a situation with disaster-potential like some of the horror stories others have shared would make me nervous. Like if I'm the high earner and most of them would be paid off by me so if the marriage dissolved after I wouldn't be anywhere as ahead as I could be for paying off their loans. Any potential for getting royally screwed over makes my stomach churn.

That being said my current net worth is about -$50k.  27k are student loans. So I might be hypocritical in worrying about a potential partner's debt when I've got a fair amount on my own. HOWEVER, I feel much more confident about my attitude on paying it off than someone else's.

As for my spouse helping out, it depends. I can see the advantages of allowing their income to pay down my debts and working together to build up assets together etc. But I also have a bit of an independent spirit too. I WANT to pay my own. I think it was way too easy for me to acquire the debt. In a way, I think it's good for me to feel the pain of every payment so my new mustachian mentality towards debt can get a firmer grip on my mind.

Something I'd be willing to work out with a wealthier/higher-earning spouse would be for them to pay for things like house bills and groceries etc while my money goes to my debts.

[Apples]

I always wonder how people w/ separate finances would handle one of them getting sick in the hospital for weeks or months of being unable to work.

I can answer that! My boyfriend has been unemployed for a few short stretches early in our relationship. He just dipped into his savings and kept paying his share of joint expenses. Our base expenses are low enough that we've never needed to cut anything for him to be comfortable. He chose what personal expenses of his to keep and what to cut.

Thanks for answering!  It's great that you're set up with low enough expense level and enough savings that unemployment didn't rattle your setup.  Would you pay for joint expenses (or something like a debt obligation of student loans) for him if you were married and his savings couldn't cover it?  I'm just curious, since we're talking about paying for other people's debt.  This is my last question about it, I don't want to derail the thread.

[Zikoris]

I always wonder how people w/ separate finances would handle one of them getting sick in the hospital for weeks or months of being unable to work.

I can answer that! My boyfriend has been unemployed for a few short stretches early in our relationship. He just dipped into his savings and kept paying his share of joint expenses. Our base expenses are low enough that we've never needed to cut anything for him to be comfortable. He chose what personal expenses of his to keep and what to cut.

Thanks for answering!  It's great that you're set up with low enough expense level and enough savings that unemployment didn't rattle your setup.  Would you pay for joint expenses (or something like a debt obligation of student loans) for him if you were married and his savings couldn't cover it?  I'm just curious, since we're talking about paying for other people's debt.  This is my last question about it, I don't want to derail the thread.

In extremely extenuating circumstances, sure - if he was in a body cast for months, etc. If he was capable of working at any job at all, like a cashier or burger flipper, forget it. Even if I did pay, it would only be his portion of the VERY basics. That would be rent, internet, phone,  soap, minimum payments on things, and EXTREMELY basic groceries (fancy jam, his own type of peanut butter, maple butter, berries, baked goods, drinks other than water and soy milk? CUT!).