I don't know if you have depression, but I strongly recommend seeing a counselor to find out. Dealing with depression is like having a car without gas. There's a lot of advice in the thread for you, but the problem-solving has to come after you put gas in the tank. Imagine someone with a car on empty turning the key, furiously pressing the pedal, and then despairing that no matter how hard they press that pedal, it's just not working. Then they start to say it must be that they're not very good at pressing pedals and turning keys. That's obviously silly, but that's what tackling problem-solving can feel like with depression, and it doesn't feel silly to
you if you have it. The first thing is that empty tank - because you're going to need some gas to get anywhere else. Even a little bit can let you get some things done, but trying to tackle all your problems while entirely ignoring a mental health issue can create a lot more problems. I say things below like "set boundaries" and "own the situation," but you have to ignore literally all of it if what you're dealing with is depression, because you are not in the best place to disentangle self-confidence, communication, and interpersonal boundary issues if you're depressed. Talk to a counselor before you bother with most of the rest of the information here to help clarify what you're dealing with.
About me:30 year old mom to two wonderful kids (toddler and baby), have a decent career (successful by most standards, failing by mine), have a great marriage (I'm beyond lucky to have an understanding and loving husband who is perfect for me in every way), we are comfortably FI for LCOL, barebones FI for MCOL and have serious FU money for the VHCOL we are in. Parents are in great health and continue to take care of their health and finances and are super cool to hang out with. My in-laws are ok but have some health issues and some mental hangups.
This is all great. There's no need for us to parse your "failing by mine" section here. Realize you set up standards incompatible with your green-card status. Beating yourself up about failing to do something impossible by definition is either perfectionism run amok, depression, or both.
Some cons in my life: I'm non US citizen, and even though I've been in US for more than a decade (came here for my undergrad), I still am on work visa and it would take atleast another 5-10 years to get green card. As a result, I can't switch jobs, companies, go remote, start a business (my goal growing up) or do anything that the vast majority of people can do. I can't even FIRE till we get our green cards.
This sounds frustrating, but why have you convinced yourself you need all that right this second? In 5-10 years, your "barebones" MCOL FIRE stash doubles, so you're probably financially independent then if not now, and can start your own business easily. You could definitely FIRE before getting the cards, but what is it you want to do... FIRE or start a business? You can do either; why beat yourself up about missing out on both? You complain about your growth rate, but you have no one else to compare yourself to when you untether from your corporation and start your own business (or FIRE). Do you have a fear of missing out that's just taking over the ship here, or do you really think you're losing the race if you FIRE early to start your own business and need to jump some management hurdles?
I love my kids and husband but of late, I feel weighed down. As any other woman would attest, I do most of the work at home even though my husband is awesome in helping out.
1. No, not every woman would attest. 2. Which is it? He's awesome at helping or you're doing most of the work and fantasizing about a divorced life? If you're unhappy about the balance and go through the motions of tricking yourself otherwise, that will only work temporarily. You may grow to resent him for it, and it would have been a preventable issue. Flip the scenario - why would you prevent him from helping you with a problem that's so bad, you're jealous of a divorced friend? Be honest with yourself about whether the division of work is equitable (and if that's making you unhappy). If it isn't, communicate with him - you say he's loving and perfect for you, so you should assume he would care about your needs, and the challenge is simply communicating and problem-solving.
Jealousy is the second-stage of comparison-as-the-thief-of-joy. His career is stalled for yours and, from what you tell us, he was not only fine with that, he's great with the kids. You may have room to get him to scroll back further on his career and take a bit more of the kids off your hands (if not now, very soon). It sounds like he would be fine with it, but it also sounds like you haven't considered it for some reason.
We don't own a house. Whenever I see friends that bought at that time (almost everyone I know that have two incomes and young kids), I feel insanely jealous and feel as if I'm a failure.
Quotes like this are disconcerting. You feel like a failure for not being able to tell the future years ago? If you are in a place that it really makes sense for you to beat yourself up about this, please let yourself read that as a good reason to seek therapy. The sooner you go the better, if you're telling yourself so many unfair things at this point. I hope you wouldn't tolerate a friend talking to you the way that you talk to yourself.
The best... library? The best... roads? Some might tell you "look, if you don't want to carry the emotional burden of all these things, let it go - maybe it's not the best... library." However, if that idea sounds insane to you, anxiety or depression (or both) may be a problem - a therapist would be your best bet, again.
I also feel irritated/sad that my older relatives or close friends didn't tell us how important buying a house is when we were at that stage of life. They bought houses, settled down, etc when they were our ages but didn't tell us we need to even though they knew we were thinking about it. I feel I don't have anyone IRL I can trust to give me good life advice or to tell me what to do at what times, what to look out for, etc.
You have to own your situation, because you can't enjoy ANY control if you don't believe it's possible, and with statements like "irritated... they didn't tell us... even though they knew we were thinking..." N. O. You are in charge of whether you buy a house or not, informing yourself on the pros and cons, and so on. The good news is, that means you can decide to DO it - today, tomorrow, never. Unless, of course, you have to deal with depression, in which case you own your situation by tackling that first.
My parents are good with advice but my parents and in-laws want us to move back to my home country so we can be near them as they grow older. Due to various reasons, moving back is not possible. So both sets of parents discourage any investment in US. Especially my in-laws vehemently opposed us from buying a house here when we looked seriously. And now they say we live a life of hardship since we don't own a house :( never mind the savings we have or our work life balance or our kids or the nonmonetary ways our lives are richer.
No one likes to hear this, but you have to set boundaries here, for their sake and your own. You internalized an obligation that you disagree with. That's hard to shake and it's frustrating, but make a decision eventually, or else you will be stuck twisting your hands over it until you respond to pressure instead of what
you want. They "can say" whatever they want, and that should not dictate your life. You are letting them set the tone of your failure even as your last sentence suggests you strongly prefer what you made for yourself - read it again. "Our lives are richer."
We are also not sure we want to settle in the VHCOL area. At times I feel it's best to move to a place with lower pace in life. At other times I feel I'd be missing out on the tremendous growth opportunities that our area gives. And frankly I don't want to be seen as someone that failed to thrive here and moved to a lower pace life.
Failed to thrive? You can retire early, apparently as early as now. You have a family and a husband who helped you move your career forward. The purpose of life is deciding the purpose of life - do YOU believe choosing that path is a failure to thrive? Who is it you are afraid to be "seen as someone that failed" for retiring early with the "perfect" husband and two kids you love? Sometimes clarity has more value than the elusive "right call." Picking where to settle and on what terms may do wonders for you if you're paralyzed with over-analyzing the call you're trying to make.
Our support system is barely existent. Even though we have friends here, it's a rotating door since people come and go due to changes in life (people leave because it's crazy expensive). And it's hard to socialize with small kids in tow if you don't already have a network of friends. This contributes to a lot of feelings of unsettledness as well.
This is super important, and probably something a therapist would point out could be helpful, if you can carve out some time for it. Hire a sitter, don't have the kids in tow, make it a priority. If you find out you are depressed, loneliness is one of the more common culprits in causing it (and so building a friends network could do wonders to help alleviate it).
Best of luck to you.