My job is a soul sucking vampire squid, is it OK to quit?

[SantaFeSteve]

It sounds like you have a self-imposed deadline to reach your FIRE number.  Since it IS self-imposed, why not just change it?  You created it--you get to destroy it, too, if it no longer meshes with reality. 

First, thank you for making me feel better about my job.  Your description of what you go through at work is terrible and no one deserves even half of that bullshit. 

Second, just quit your job. boom. done.  Your DH is on-board and my guess is that the work place is taking a much larger toll on you than you realize.

Third, Zoots Quote.  You said the DH has 6 years left, and may choose to stay a few more, so it seems like the deadline to FIRE deserves to be re-examined.  Adapt and overcome as we used to say in the infantry.  There is no sense sticking to a self imposed deadline if you reach that goal and are severely damaged from the effort.  Quit that job and find something else to do.  You say you stay because of the flexibility, but wouldn't doing contract work be at least as flexible? if not more so?  Your description of your financial position, with and without the current job, is one of strength. Realize that and accept it.  Use that position to find another job, if you choose, that will allow you the flexibility you need.  I think you are underestimating the willingness of other possible employers to provide you the flexibility you need in exchange for a high quality employee. 

I look forward to hearing about your new adventures without the current job.

[MishMash]

I did a lot of side hustle work in the past, back when we were paying off the student loans, but I haven't had the energy to do any in recent times, maybe it's time to get back into it.    My biggest fear, with what DH does, is that I quit, and he gets seriously injured. He's in a "unique" non big Army unit so this has a very high possibility of happening. 

I talked to him yesterday and now that he knows I'm 200% serious about it, he's starting to backpedal on the support thing. He's out of town on some intensive training however at the moment so it could just be the one two stress punch.  He's not really involved in the finances, he has no desire to be (trust me I've tried, the man is just ridiculously busy and probably has more important things on his mind).  Outside of the spreadsheet I make him look at every month so that he knows where our money is in the event of emergency I don't think he even has the passwords to our accounts memorized.  As such, I'm not sure he realizes the extent of how well we pay the bills on his salary.

[DanielleS]

1. You're looking for outside validation on whether or not your situation is terrible enough for you to quit. You write you're on the edge because of this job, yet you don't want to quit without everyone's constant approval. You need to make this decision for yourself. Take a few weeks off, get your head, heart and body together, and then decide what you will do next.
2. You are a hard worker, from everything you say here. What is the likelihood that you will change in the next few weeks if you quit that job? I'll answer this for you: zero percent. Just quit and find something else to do. Not that it is guaranteed to be easy to find another job, but there's little likelihood that you would ever stumble into a position as bad as what you have now.
3. You're not only working a job where you are harassed mentally, physically and emotionally, but you are doing all, repeat ALL the household work for your household of two. Get over your need to be constantly outside validated!! (see #1) !!! Please woman up and take responsibility for yourself!! You need to make this decision for yourself.

I know how warped a bad job can make one feel/act/think, but please believe in yourself and your intrinsic value. Read over your posts with a fresh eye, and imagine how you would counsel someone else who had written what you've written. Be just as kind to yourself as this bunch of internet strangers has been to you. You are better than this job and paycheck and constant harassment.

[Sibley]

Your stress levels are through the roof, and you probably don't even realize how much it's affecting you. Get out of that situation. Sounds like you guys will be fine short term if you don't work, so don't worry about it. You have marketable skills, you have options, but what you don't have is the ability to step back and see them right now. That's the stress at work. Take care of yourself.

[Capsu78]

So after a clown fest of "WTF, this shit CAN'T really be happening"  combined with "how the fuck is this company still in business" I walked into my bosses office (only other female) and said that I'm honestly on the verge of walking out and not looking back.  She's on the same early retirement plan we are, even plans to retire to the same place we are in the end so she knows that I don't NEED the job.  She looked like I hit her on the head with a sack of rocks and said let me see what I can do.  I told her it would take an ass ton of money to get me to stay so I'm giving it a week and we'll see.

Here is something simple you can do this weekend- update your LinkedIn with something new- new skill  (budgeting might work from the sound of things :-) ), new photo, whatever... Often when you update LI, an email goes out to your "connects" that you have updated.  Assuming your manager and maybe the other decision makers are connected, it might pop up on their notifications- subtle message is you are "thinking forward".  I can't make a call for or against leaving for you- but I would at least want to see what they come back with.  Burn no bridges but don't close doors too early.  Maybe they will go farther than you think in terms of "improving the culture" when they better understand that you are seeking much better compensation to as a fee to put up with their all male culture... maybe they already know "yeah , that's a problem we probably have to fix" particularly when it's Employee #3 that's planning on walking.
Yes, I know, that might be wishful thinking and they might come back and say- we think you are pretty well compensated as it is... then you can be sure it is time to walk.  By that point in time maybe your SO will have had a chance to consider how bummed out you are- he knows you are already, it sounds like, but now you are talking "actionable bummed out".

[Rika Non]

A little bit off topic, but approximately what percentage of engineers are women? I am sure it varies according to kind of engineering, but even a rough guess would be useful.

I did look around a little but I only found the "approximately 20% of engineering students are women" stat.

Thanks.

It does depend on the field, but in general ~20% is a good estimate but might be optimistic.  I know in my segment (energy industry - oilfield) the target is to hire a minimum of 25% women to the engineering grade entry positions across all general technical segments.  But as an observation, (don't have the numbers), the attrition is higher for female engineers.  The higher ranks of technical and management are still very male dominated (95- 100%).  Also there is wide difference in the type of general STEM.  Within the companies I know and have work with & for, there are more women in G&G (geology - geophysics / earth sciences) groups, much fewer in the drilling, production, or stimulation groups.  Some types of positions like my SO in drilling are basically still 100% male.

My sister is  ChemE, and from what I have heard it is very similar, I know at her location female engineers are less than 20%, and in her case all higher management and senior technical are men.

As for women in what has been very male dominated technical fields.  The best employment is with major international companies.  First hand I have seen that the most equal treatment across the board (gender, race, etc) is just about equal to the market cap, the larger the corp, the better and more equitable treatment.

[Mr Dorothy Dollar]

Become a patent examiner. You will have all the benefits in terms of flexibility and will not have the toxic environment. Check out USA jobs.

[CommonCents]

I did a lot of side hustle work in the past, back when we were paying off the student loans, but I haven't had the energy to do any in recent times, maybe it's time to get back into it.    My biggest fear, with what DH does, is that I quit, and he gets seriously injured. He's in a "unique" non big Army unit so this has a very high possibility of happening. 

I talked to him yesterday and now that he knows I'm 200% serious about it, he's starting to backpedal on the support thing. He's out of town on some intensive training however at the moment so it could just be the one two stress punch.  He's not really involved in the finances, he has no desire to be (trust me I've tried, the man is just ridiculously busy and probably has more important things on his mind).  Outside of the spreadsheet I make him look at every month so that he knows where our money is in the event of emergency I don't think he even has the passwords to our accounts memorized.  As such, I'm not sure he realizes the extent of how well we pay the bills on his salary.

Let him know your game plan - that might help.  Will you quit before looking for another job?  Take time off before looking (how much)?  Where will you look?

My husband has the same type of soul sucking job as you.  He comes home and is absolutely miserable to be around - saying how much he hates it, life, etc.  (He also seems to think I ought to be able to "make him happy" which is impossible.)  I have encouraged him to consider leaving, but I've also asked him about his plans.  It would help me to know he's thought this big decision through.  Your husband may be less stressed if he knew that you had as well.

[NoraLenderbee]

You need to find a new job! Think about how much schedule flexibility you really need now and for the next few years. It's nice that the company let you work remotely for 3 years, but do you need that now? Could husband manage if you were a little less available (like, could he take a cab home from the airport).

No one deserves the abuse you describe. There ARE better jobs out there, where people treat you like a respected professional and a human being and still pay you well. I think your point of view has become distorted by all the years of taking crap.

Go for it!

[Ricky]

Decisions like these obviously cant be made by strangers on an Internet forum or you would have already quit. We know maybe 75% but you and only you know the remaining 25% (possibly more). The "ass & tit" grabbing incidents would be enough for me to have quit or filed a lawsuit, and I'm a dude! I literally have no idea how some guys can't look past their primal instinct with an IQ of 10.

Based on what's written here, it sounds like working from home with boundaries set (don't talk to me this way, don't call me at odd hours, etc) would be a good solution. The fact that you ONLY asked for more money implies you don't care enough about the problems. Again, there's more here than we know. You need to make all your requirements clear to them since you've lived so long taking all their shit and if they can't meet every single one of them, leave!

More money WILL NOT fix the situation. It will only temporarily relieve the symptoms. People respond better to great work environments and being respected than more money in the long run.