I think I want to be a stay at home dad

[Laura33]

About managing a house:
The work of the at-home parent of little kids does not end, and is not very satisfying. The dishes are never done. The laundry keeps piling up. And "How many times do I have to tell you to that the SHOES GO where the the shoes go?!?! By the time I'm flinging my wife's work boots across the house she's wondering what my problem is.

'You know,' she said, 'I had a hard day at work, and it would be nice if I could just come home to a nice, peaceful place.'
'At least you get to come home from work! I'm still there! This shit never ends!'

Yeah, the gods really missed the mark on punishing Sisyphus. They could have made him a 21st century stay at home parent, no rock required.

Agreed.  @Chris Pascale , that section above gave me flashbacks.  One can indeed hit a point where you look at your spouse and complain "you get to go to work!"  Appreciation is not plentiful when you are a SAHP and the pay is even worse. ;)

When I was at home with a baby, we had a SAHD in our group.  My impression is that once all the moms got to know him, he fit in just fine.  Part of the friend group at library story time, part of the pack of parents doing stroller walks to the park.  No one thought it was weird he was a dad, we were all just trying to keep our demanding offspring alive and stimulated with appropriate educational and social activities.

So many times in this forum I've hit 'post' and think, god, I'm an idiot, and you dudes are always like, 'no. You're our idiot.'

Ditto flashbacks.  In my case, one evening I had survived the witching hour, managed to feed everyone and get the laundry done, but the clean laundry was sitting in piles on the kids' floors.  I was doing something -- forget what, but it was Useful Family Stuff -- and DH came by to remind me that his parents were visiting that weekend, and "it would be nice if the laundry was put away and the house wasn't quite so messy." 

At which point, I did my best to tamp down the homicidal rage tearing through my body and just snapped, "well, FEEL FREE."

Now, I'm normally a reasonable grownup; can't remember last time I truly lost my shit with someone.  Obviously DH didn't, either, because 5 minutes later he was quietly sitting on the floor of DS' room, folding laundry and putting it away.

Also, ditto on school schedules.  Never realized how good I had it when my kid was in a daycare that was open 6-6 year-round.  And being home for older kids -- my DS does not talk AT ALL, particularly about things that matter, and yet if I'm here/not on a call when he gets home from school, he will immediately just start blurting out everything that happened that day.

[roomtempmayo]

I'm a dad, and I took six months of leave when our daughter was 6-12 months.  What I figured out pretty quickly is that being at home with an infant feels like a nonstop grind for me.

Our situation was probably especially difficult.  My wife took off from 0-6 months, before going back to work.  She's a litigator, and about once a month she takes a case to trial that requires 14+ hour days for a week or more.  I also had some lingering work responsibilities that I was trying manage during nap times and evenings.  I felt like I was working from the time I cracked my eyes open until the time I went to sleep, and because I didn't know what I was doing the constant newness - while beautiful in its own way - added to the stress.  There was no autopilot, just constantly flying the plane by feel while also worrying about what was going on at work.  I lasted about two months before calling in childcare two mornings a week, and that made a world of difference because it gave me the mental space to walk away and reboot.

Now that she's almost two, I can almost think it would be fun to be a SAHD.  For me, the baseline for success would be a spouse working a strict 9-5 with no evenings/weekends, and some small amount of childcare during the workweek, like a two morning a week preschool.

But if SAHD means all or most of the domestic work 24/7 without end, that would be its own circle of hell for me. 

[jeninco]

I'm a dad, and I took six months of leave when our daughter was 6-12 months.  What I figured out pretty quickly is that being at home with an infant feels like a nonstop grind for me.

Our situation was probably especially difficult.  My wife took off from 0-6 months, before going back to work.  She's a litigator, and about once a month she takes a case to trial that requires 14+ hour days for a week or more.  I also had some lingering work responsibilities that I was trying manage during nap times and evenings.  I felt like I was working from the time I cracked my eyes open until the time I went to sleep, and because I didn't know what I was doing the constant newness - while beautiful in its own way - added to the stress.  There was no autopilot, just constantly flying the plane by feel while also worrying about what was going on at work.  I lasted about two months before calling in childcare two mornings a week, and that made a world of difference because it gave me the mental space to walk away and reboot.

Now that she's almost two, I can almost think it would be fun to be a SAHD.  For me, the baseline for success would be a spouse working a strict 9-5 with no evenings/weekends, and some small amount of childcare during the workweek, like a two morning a week preschool.

But if SAHD means all or most of the domestic work 24/7 without end, that would be its own circle of hell for me.

Oh yeah -- this is a great point! If you can get childcare even for a couple of hours, a few times/week, that will give you a chance to do just a little bit of your own thing: work, gym, whatever is highest priority for you.  We live in a college town, so managed to find a string of lovely young people to do childcare a few hours/week, which was AMAZING. (Plus, after the first one they voluntarily each found the next, which made our lives even easier). Be careful not to trigger the nanny tax, however. (And try to pay a fair rate for this: our first kid was pretty high energy, and I wanted to appropriately compensate people for keeping him amused and alive!)

[poetdereves]

Really appreciate the ongoing ideas and conversation topics for DW and I to discuss. I hadn't really even thought about what SAHD could look like once school starts since our kids are still a few years away, but the more we dive into the topic it is becoming clearer that I have the skills and patience needed to do it long term if we desire, along with still building a good amount of wealth for the future on one income.

Once thing we talked about was that while being a SAHP can come with a lot of extra work, DW and I have managed to keep our home together while also each having jobs and the kid. There are definitely a lot of conversations that will be had about scheduling/tasks for each of us to split, and adding another baby is a level of stress we have only rarely experienced (we fostered brothers for a couple months during covid), I think getting to get rid of the stress of managing a career may make it at least a little more streamlined that my sole job will be caring for the kids. At least from a mental health perspective I feel like I will be enjoy the days where I can be with the kids and do what they need without the lingering realization that there's work to be done too.

Another big plus is that we live near DW's family and they are very helpful. They take DS every Friday so that DW and I can either get stuff done that has been put off, or so that we can spend some good solo time together. Her step dad is RE in his early 50s and her mother is following in the next couple years as well. Even getting Friday's off and then weekends and evenings with the help of DW is quite a bit of extra help for me.

[roomtempmayo]

Really appreciate the ongoing ideas and conversation topics for DW and I to discuss. I hadn't really even thought about what SAHD could look like once school starts since our kids are still a few years away...

My experience socially of being home full time was similar to @FireLane 's: we live in the core of a liberal urban area, and people were over-the-top supportive of seeing a dad out with a small child on a random Tuesday morning.

I do think it might get weirder once the kids go to school, though.  We have social scripts for women to be permanent stay-at-home spouses, and in many places we now have social scripts for Dad "taking time off work to be with the kids and save money on daycare."

What we don't really have are social scripts for permanent stay-at-home husbands that don't have to be justified by some immediate need, like childcare. 

Even in liberal society I think we're much more ready for the at-home track to be permanent for women than we are for men.

Like being Fired, it's of course up to you how much you care about what people think of not working a job-job.

[merula]

My experience socially of being home full time was similar to @FireLane 's: we live in the core of a liberal urban area, and people were over-the-top supportive of seeing a dad out with a small child on a random Tuesday morning.

I do think it might get weirder once the kids go to school, though.  We have social scripts for women to be permanent stay-at-home spouses, and in many places we now have social scripts for Dad "taking time off work to be with the kids and save money on daycare."

What we don't really have are social scripts for permanent stay-at-home husbands that don't have to be justified by some immediate need, like childcare. 

Even in liberal society I think we're much more ready for the at-home track to be permanent for women than we are for men.

Like being Fired, it's of course up to you how much you care about what people think of not working a job-job.

This is true. I live in an incredibly liberal area (in our precinct, "Uncommitted" got a majority in the democratic primary), and while people were really supportive in the abstract, it was still definitely tougher for my husband than it would have been for me. TONS of programs are still called "Mommy and me", there were side-eyes at playgrounds if my husband was sitting alone if people missed seeing him with kids who look just like him, and on one memorable occasion an older woman CALLED OUT OF HER CAR "That baby needs a hat!". Readers, it was a 60 degree spring day, which in the frozen north is basically pool weather.

(That is one big thing to think of, actually: if your kids don't look like "yours" to judgmental strangers, you may find this harder. Scaremongering around trafficking has led to more than one mixed-race family being detained or interrogated.)

With the kids being older, he's not out with them as much during the day, and teachers usually know he stays home. I have not, however, been able to get the school nurse to stop calling me first instead of him. Besides that, the biggest impact might be how people talk to me about him: "Does your husband STILL stay home? What does he do all day??"

[wageslave23]

Really appreciate the ongoing ideas and conversation topics for DW and I to discuss. I hadn't really even thought about what SAHD could look like once school starts since our kids are still a few years away...

My experience socially of being home full time was similar to @FireLane 's: we live in the core of a liberal urban area, and people were over-the-top supportive of seeing a dad out with a small child on a random Tuesday morning.

I do think it might get weirder once the kids go to school, though.  We have social scripts for women to be permanent stay-at-home spouses, and in many places we now have social scripts for Dad "taking time off work to be with the kids and save money on daycare."

What we don't really have are social scripts for permanent stay-at-home husbands that don't have to be justified by some immediate need, like childcare. 

Even in liberal society I think we're much more ready for the at-home track to be permanent for women than we are for men.

Like being Fired, it's of course up to you how much you care about what people think of not working a job-job.

To be fair, I don't understand why healthy, capable adults don't work if they aren't financially independent or taking care of kids and it doesn't matter whether they are male or female.  So I think the weird looks for a stay at home dad with older kids who are in school full time is more about people not understanding FIRE and not related to being a stay at home dad vs mom.

[roomtempmayo]

Really appreciate the ongoing ideas and conversation topics for DW and I to discuss. I hadn't really even thought about what SAHD could look like once school starts since our kids are still a few years away...

My experience socially of being home full time was similar to @FireLane 's: we live in the core of a liberal urban area, and people were over-the-top supportive of seeing a dad out with a small child on a random Tuesday morning.

I do think it might get weirder once the kids go to school, though.  We have social scripts for women to be permanent stay-at-home spouses, and in many places we now have social scripts for Dad "taking time off work to be with the kids and save money on daycare."

What we don't really have are social scripts for permanent stay-at-home husbands that don't have to be justified by some immediate need, like childcare. 

Even in liberal society I think we're much more ready for the at-home track to be permanent for women than we are for men.

Like being Fired, it's of course up to you how much you care about what people think of not working a job-job.

To be fair, I don't understand why healthy, capable adults don't work if they aren't financially independent or taking care of kids and it doesn't matter whether they are male or female.  So I think the weird looks for a stay at home dad with older kids who are in school full time is more about people not understanding FIRE and not related to being a stay at home dad vs mom.

I think the difference is that at least in some parts of society a wife can stay at home for the simple reason that the family doesn't need the money, and so it's something of a status symbol.    I don't think that's generally going to work for men.

[jeninco]

Really appreciate the ongoing ideas and conversation topics for DW and I to discuss. I hadn't really even thought about what SAHD could look like once school starts since our kids are still a few years away...

My experience socially of being home full time was similar to @FireLane 's: we live in the core of a liberal urban area, and people were over-the-top supportive of seeing a dad out with a small child on a random Tuesday morning.

I do think it might get weirder once the kids go to school, though.  We have social scripts for women to be permanent stay-at-home spouses, and in many places we now have social scripts for Dad "taking time off work to be with the kids and save money on daycare."

What we don't really have are social scripts for permanent stay-at-home husbands that don't have to be justified by some immediate need, like childcare. 

Even in liberal society I think we're much more ready for the at-home track to be permanent for women than we are for men.

Like being Fired, it's of course up to you how much you care about what people think of not working a job-job.

To be fair, I don't understand why healthy, capable adults don't work if they aren't financially independent or taking care of kids and it doesn't matter whether they are male or female.  So I think the weird looks for a stay at home dad with older kids who are in school full time is more about people not understanding FIRE and not related to being a stay at home dad vs mom.

I think the difference is that at least in some parts of society a wife can stay at home for the simple reason that the family doesn't need the money, and so it's something of a status symbol.    I don't think that's generally going to work for men.

Also, even once kids are in school it's incredibly hard to do a good job parenting (and keeping house, and everything) if the adults are working 2 (or 2+) full-time jobs. If one person is working part time (which is my preference) it means that there's a parent around to fill in in emergencies, and a whole bunch of stuff can get done around being available to kids. See: Volunteering in the schools (which always need more help), helping older neighbors, cooking healthy means, driving carpools to/from practices, etc. etc. etc.

It takes quite a bit of stress off the household to not have to try to shoehorn all that stuff in around 2 FT jobs -- which also means both adults can probably do some minimum amount of taking care of themselves, whether that's exercise, seeing friends, therapy, whatever.

[Tass]

I think the difference is that at least in some parts of society a wife can stay at home for the simple reason that the family doesn't need the money, and so it's something of a status symbol.    I don't think that's generally going to work for men.

Lol! My DH is not working right now just to take a break, and we have no kids or other reason that it "makes sense" for him to stay home. I have teased him a bit about being a bum (gently, in private, and with his explicit blessing). I hadn't considered that his unemployment could be a status symbol, but it makes sense: we wouldn't be doing it if we didn't spend less than my income and weren't already 60-90% FI (uncertainty due to unknown future child expenses).

One of my major motivations to pursue FIRE was the goal that we would require zero FT jobs in our household by the time we had kids. This thread is seriously validating that plan so far.

[PMG]

I sometimes use the term “house spouse” for the half of a married couple who STA with no kids.

[Tass]

I sometimes use the term “house spouse” for the half of a married couple who STA with no kids.

We like that too, mostly cause we think the rhyming is funny.

[FallenTimber]

I’ll say this: if you’re going to be a stay at home parent, it’s important that you WANT to be a stay at home parent. I’ve met men and women who were the obligatory SAHP because their income couldn’t justify the childcare costs. They tend to be burned out, overwhelmed, and resentful.

However, if you go into with the attitude that you have been given an absolutely priceless gift, and you can work diligently to maintain that mindset (and of course there will be hard days), then it will be the greatest chapter of your life.

And your kids will be able to tell the difference between a dad (or mom) who CHOSE to be with them, versus one who HAD to be with them.

[MMMarbleheader]

My wife has been a SAHM since the beginning, before I knew what FIRE was. I did struggle originally because we lost $7k year one, which lead me to find the FIRE movement. So since you are onto FIRE already, you have a lot of that covered.

I honestly don't know how two income families balance everything. Aside from that here are some things I have noticed

1) One high income spouse with a SAHP is pretty tax efficient. I make $170k am just flirting with the 22% tax bracket. I can max out my 401k, HSA, and contribute to a spousal IRA + Standard deduction you are skimming ($23,000 + $8,300 + 7,000 + $29,900) = $68,200. Now if my wife worked I would loose 22% federal, 7% State, and 7% FICA off the top plus daycare costs and/or summer camp.

2) As they get older, it's in some ways more important. You get a break mid day but it helps to be involved and know the kids families/what they are doing after school

3) Summers are just more fun for the kids. We do one camp but the rest of the time is spent traveling or just hanging out at the lake. Their piers are constantly jumping from camp to camp which sounds not very fun plus expensive. Heck on of the reasons I am pursuing FIRE is because I long for those lazy summer days, watching the world/euro cup on weekdays, etc. If I cant have it now, I like that my kids can at least.

[MMMarbleheader]

A topic I haven't seen mentioned yet is how much of a benefit this can have for your spouse's career and the mental health for both of you (while not ignoring the fact that being a SAHD/P is challenging, as is being a sole-source of income spouse). My spouse has stayed at home and it has allowed me to significantly advance my career and earning opportunities. Need to travel for a business opportunity ... no problem. Need to work crazy hours for a few days to take advantage of a significant opportunity - my spouse has me covered.

With two young children, there are so many appointments and sick days. When both of you are employed outside the home, you have to determine who will cover these appointments (split 50/50? Have 1 always do it ... and then are they resentful that it isn't more equal? etc.) I will tell anyone who will listen that being able to focus more on my career and business because my spouse covers most of the household responsibilities is a major factor in my success. As long of you both feel that you're in the best role for each of you, then it can be a huge psychological advantage -- and even the potential to advance one's career more quickly, if that's what they want.

This is a great point. When I was climbing the ladder I was working in person in Boston. I could be pulled into dinner meetings/networking on a whim which would have made it hard to do with two working parents. My wife has a good sense of humor and would say OK, then I'm getting takeout, and send me photos of them eating pizza the ocean.

[poetdereves]

@FallenTimber - the desire vs obligation piece of the puzzle was easy to figure out. I truly enjoy all my days I get with my son. Even while employed I have been around a lot and the bond the two of us have is super close. My wife can attest that there’s absolutely no one else in the world he’s as stoked to be around. Even her. I have noticed that outside of MMM, the SAHDs I’ve met are not necessarily doing it because they wanted to. Most of them were laid off or had a business close in covid and they ended up having to take the primary parent role. Most of them have learned to love it, but our situation is still different from theirs because I don’t necessarily have to do it. I just want to and it seems like the most valuable use of my time.

@MMMarbleheader - taxes were one of our big considerations in the process. We haven’t narrowed down the exact number, but it will be a significant savings for 2025 and beyond. We have also looked into and will continue our investments as is, but put money into a spousal IRA vs my current 401k and then most likely put the rest leftover into taxable investments.

One thing that’s happened that I didn’t realize is the way DW and I are approaching the plan from a financial perspective. We have been lucky to have a pretty high income relative to others our age, and we are in a pretty LCOL area. That has also meant that we haven’t been as frugal as we used to be as low income newlyweds. We save and invest a decent amount, but hedonistic adaptations have definitely occurred. The change in employment has reinvigorated our desire to minimize our outflow, so we plan on getting rid of DWs car and going back down to a one car family. We have a lot of other places we can/will cut spending out of the budget. I’ll probably start working up an actual breakdown of our budget if anyone is interested.

[Kris]

@FallenTimber - the desire vs obligation piece of the puzzle was easy to figure out. I truly enjoy all my days I get with my son. Even while employed I have been around a lot and the bond the two of us have is super close. My wife can attest that there’s absolutely no one else in the world he’s as stoked to be around. Even her. I have noticed that outside of MMM, the SAHDs I’ve met are not necessarily doing it because they wanted to. Most of them were laid off or had a business close in covid and they ended up having to take the primary parent role. Most of them have learned to love it, but our situation is still different from theirs because I don’t necessarily have to do it. I just want to and it seems like the most valuable use of my time.

@MMMarbleheader - taxes were one of our big considerations in the process. We haven’t narrowed down the exact number, but it will be a significant savings for 2025 and beyond. We have also looked into and will continue our investments as is, but put money into a spousal IRA vs my current 401k and then most likely put the rest leftover into taxable investments.

One thing that’s happened that I didn’t realize is the way DW and I are approaching the plan from a financial perspective. We have been lucky to have a pretty high income relative to others our age, and we are in a pretty LCOL area. That has also meant that we haven’t been as frugal as we used to be as low income newlyweds. We save and invest a decent amount, but hedonistic adaptations have definitely occurred. The change in employment has reinvigorated our desire to minimize our outflow, so we plan on getting rid of DWs car and going back down to a one car family. We have a lot of other places we can/will cut spending out of the budget. I’ll probably start working up an actual breakdown of our budget if anyone is interested.

I'd like to suggest that you consider starting a journal about this experience, if you decide to do it (which it sounds like you are going to). My guess is that there would be a lot of people interested in the SAHD decision-making process, as well as your financial decisions/intentional reversal of hedonic adaptation going along with it. I know I would, and I'm not even a parent, nor will I ever be one.

[rothwem]

@FallenTimber - the desire vs obligation piece of the puzzle was easy to figure out. I truly enjoy all my days I get with my son. Even while employed I have been around a lot and the bond the two of us have is super close. My wife can attest that there’s absolutely no one else in the world he’s as stoked to be around. Even her.

For what its worth, this relationship will change hard once your second comes.  My son was born in Oct 2019 and I was home with him a lot for Covid from once March 2020 hit.  I LOVED spending as much time with him as I could-he'd read books, cruise on his balance bike, build blocks for hours with me etc etc.  Once our daughter was born in Feb 2022, it was a really hard adjustment for him AND me...I have to split my attention between my daughter and my son, and he has to split his attention between me and my daughter. There's a gnarly sibling rivalry that's developed, and I think a lot of it is my fault for being so close to my son before my daughter was born and not being that good at splitting my attention. 

Anyways, that's not me telling you not to be a SAHD if you want to be.  But two was WAY harder than one for us. 

[FallenTimber]

@FallenTimber - the desire vs obligation piece of the puzzle was easy to figure out. I truly enjoy all my days I get with my son. Even while employed I have been around a lot and the bond the two of us have is super close. My wife can attest that there’s absolutely no one else in the world he’s as stoked to be around. Even her.

For what its worth, this relationship will change hard once your second comes.  My son was born in Oct 2019 and I was home with him a lot for Covid from once March 2020 hit.  I LOVED spending as much time with him as I could-he'd read books, cruise on his balance bike, build blocks for hours with me etc etc.  Once our daughter was born in Feb 2022, it was a really hard adjustment for him AND me...I have to split my attention between my daughter and my son, and he has to split his attention between me and my daughter. There's a gnarly sibling rivalry that's developed, and I think a lot of it is my fault for being so close to my son before my daughter was born and not being that good at splitting my attention. 

Anyways, that's not me telling you not to be a SAHD if you want to be.  But two was WAY harder than one for us.

I don’t think it’s fair to assume OP’s relationship will have the same outcome as yours if he has a second kid. I absolutely LOVE being a dad, and when I went from one kiddo to two kiddos, it simply doubled the fun.Yes, there is some sibling conflict of course, but there are far more good days than hard days. I’d highly suggest reading “Good Inside” and “Siblings Without Rivalry” for some great tips and insight.

We have individual “daddy days” a couple times each month and many many “boys days” where it’s just them and myself. Having two kids has been absolutely incredible to watch them bond. Today, for instance, they’ve spent 8+ hours outside together, working on inventions, using bow and arrows to hunt rabbits, playing with chickens, and riding bikes. It gives me a chance to work on my own projects while they each pursue their own interests. They’re 4 and 6 now, so I suspect their independence will continue to increase as they get older

OP: You sound like a PHENOMENAL dad.  Being a SAHD should not define you or prevent you from pursuing other interests and goals, but it’s a chapter worth dedicating a chapter of your life to. In my opinion, it’s the best investment you could ever make.

[NorthernIkigai]

@FallenTimber - the desire vs obligation piece of the puzzle was easy to figure out. I truly enjoy all my days I get with my son. Even while employed I have been around a lot and the bond the two of us have is super close. My wife can attest that there’s absolutely no one else in the world he’s as stoked to be around. Even her.

For what its worth, this relationship will change hard once your second comes.  My son was born in Oct 2019 and I was home with him a lot for Covid from once March 2020 hit.  I LOVED spending as much time with him as I could-he'd read books, cruise on his balance bike, build blocks for hours with me etc etc.  Once our daughter was born in Feb 2022, it was a really hard adjustment for him AND me...I have to split my attention between my daughter and my son, and he has to split his attention between me and my daughter. There's a gnarly sibling rivalry that's developed, and I think a lot of it is my fault for being so close to my son before my daughter was born and not being that good at splitting my attention. 

Anyways, that's not me telling you not to be a SAHD if you want to be.  But two was WAY harder than one for us.

Yeah, this is not how it works for everyone. I personally find that the energies in our family balanced out better after we had our second. Everyone involved has to adjust, yes but it can be a good thing.

[MMMarbleheader]

@FallenTimber - the desire vs obligation piece of the puzzle was easy to figure out. I truly enjoy all my days I get with my son. Even while employed I have been around a lot and the bond the two of us have is super close. My wife can attest that there’s absolutely no one else in the world he’s as stoked to be around. Even her.

For what its worth, this relationship will change hard once your second comes.  My son was born in Oct 2019 and I was home with him a lot for Covid from once March 2020 hit.  I LOVED spending as much time with him as I could-he'd read books, cruise on his balance bike, build blocks for hours with me etc etc.  Once our daughter was born in Feb 2022, it was a really hard adjustment for him AND me...I have to split my attention between my daughter and my son, and he has to split his attention between me and my daughter. There's a gnarly sibling rivalry that's developed, and I think a lot of it is my fault for being so close to my son before my daughter was born and not being that good at splitting my attention. 

Anyways, that's not me telling you not to be a SAHD if you want to be.  But two was WAY harder than one for us.

Yeah, this is not how it works for everyone. I personally find that the energies in our family balanced out better after we had our second. Everyone involved has to adjust, yes but it can be a good thing.

Agreed, when it was only my daughter we were a home of three first borns(me, my wife, and daughter). I was nice an efficient when she was younger and we thought about being one and done but luckily decided to have our son.

So glad we did because now that my daughter is 11, a house with only the three of us would be an intense mess of everyone needing to be right, get the last word in. Our son reminds us multiple times a week to all calm down, he is a good second born haha.

[rothwem]

@FallenTimber - the desire vs obligation piece of the puzzle was easy to figure out. I truly enjoy all my days I get with my son. Even while employed I have been around a lot and the bond the two of us have is super close. My wife can attest that there’s absolutely no one else in the world he’s as stoked to be around. Even her.

For what its worth, this relationship will change hard once your second comes.  My son was born in Oct 2019 and I was home with him a lot for Covid from once March 2020 hit.  I LOVED spending as much time with him as I could-he'd read books, cruise on his balance bike, build blocks for hours with me etc etc.  Once our daughter was born in Feb 2022, it was a really hard adjustment for him AND me...I have to split my attention between my daughter and my son, and he has to split his attention between me and my daughter. There's a gnarly sibling rivalry that's developed, and I think a lot of it is my fault for being so close to my son before my daughter was born and not being that good at splitting my attention. 

Anyways, that's not me telling you not to be a SAHD if you want to be.  But two was WAY harder than one for us.

Yeah, this is not how it works for everyone. I personally find that the energies in our family balanced out better after we had our second. Everyone involved has to adjust, yes but it can be a good thing.

Oh, no doubt. Everyone’s relationship is different. Every kid is different. I just saw a bit of myself in the OP’s statement there. I guess part of my point was that if the OP is wanting to be a SAHD so he can continue the super tight relationship with his son, he needs to know that it’s going to be different than what he has now.  It could be better, it could be way harder, it’s just a repetition of the old phrase, “prior result don’t predict future returns”. Or something like that.

[use2betrix]

Good information. Regarding the children and a SAHP, my wife and I are relatively similar.

We have a 2 year old
We have another baby due September/October.

My wife and I have been together about 12 years, and she’s never really worked. I’ve always traveled to new states for jobs and she’s come with. When we got married and eventually started to have kids, we already had the benefit of never having her with an income/something to rely on. This made the stay at home choice easy for us. Regarding the money portion, that’s where the situations would differ.

That aside, being a SAHP is hard work. It doesn’t matter how drained you are. If your kid doesn’t want to nap, you’re not getting a break during the day. Maybe they’ll watch Miss Rachel for a bit while you do dishes & laundry.

With the hard work, I believe, comes even more fulfillment. I was working 55-60 hr weeks when my daughter was born. Stress was well over the top of what was healthy. I was fortunate enough that Jan 2023 we were able to take our first big downshift and I moved to a 40 hr/wk position with 3 days/wk remote. With my remote work (as OP’s wife apparently has), it’s amazing for the working parent to still have some social interaction with their children during the day. When they wake up, lunch, miscellaneous times during the day, etc.

I’d say if you can make it work financially, and your wife has a secure position she can tolerate (and supports the SAHD effort), jump all over it!

My wife has made friends with a ton of other SAHM’s through our local library for the kids events. They do activities several times a week together. Tuesday was the zoo, yesterday was the library, and today they are meeting up at an indoor kids gym. The socialization is beyond important for kids at that age, and it takes a lot of engagement for SAHP’s to find that interaction. For kids in daycare, it happens naturally.