Mustachian People Problems (just for fun)

[dhc]

I've been granted a significant sum of phantom stock rights in my company. However, the earliest likely exercise date is later than my projected FIRE date. We'll see as it approaches, but I may end up with a temporary set of golden handcuffs.


Now if only I were eligible for the executive version of the plan, which not only qualifies for capital gains rather than regular income, but also vests much earlier and thus wouldn't be as restrictive...

[ixtap]

I decided my shoes would be just fine for one more month while we went on vacation. After all, the previous pairs of the same model lasted until the soles were worn thin. Those lasted  about a year each and this pair has only been in use for about six months. The very first time I put them back on after leaving the house, I found a a worn spot on the inside, in addition to the issues I had decided to overlook. We aren't even on the plane yet.

Please pray for me and my shoes. There are two more pairs of the same model under my bed at home, bought on clearance, but I try to stretch each pair as long as I can. I don't want to go shoe shopping on vacation, but this may have been a case of false economy.

[TomTX]

I decided my shoes would be just fine for one more month while we went on vacation. After all, the previous pairs of the same model lasted until the soles were worn thin. Those lasted  about a year each and this pair has only been in use for about six months. The very first time I put them back on after leaving the house, I found a a worn spot on the inside, in addition to the issues I had decided to overlook. We aren't even on the plane yet.

Please pray for me and my shoes. There are two more pairs of the same model under my bed at home, bought on clearance, but I try to stretch each pair as long as I can. I don't want to go shoe shopping on vacation, but this may have been a case of false economy.

Next time deploy one of the new pairs for a trip, save the more decrepit ones for around town where getting home to the shoe stash will be easy.

[Morning Glory]

I must extend a humble apology to those whom I questioned for doing so much laundry. After selling the house and moving to a rental I realize that I really did have a huge washing machine. 2 loads per week for four people is not normal. The new one doesn't look much smaller on the outside but the capacity is half or less. Dishwasher too. I will go through twice as many of those pods!

[RWD]

Dishwasher too. I will go through twice as many of those pods!

Pods!? What, is your dishwasher made by Keurig or something? (sounds wasteful)

[RetiredAt63]

I must extend a humble apology to those whom I questioned for doing so much laundry. After selling the house and moving to a rental I realize that I really did have a huge washing machine. 2 loads per week for four people is not normal. The new one doesn't look much smaller on the outside but the capacity is half or less. Dishwasher too. I will go through twice as many of those pods!

My dishwasher is also the apartment size.  I use loose powder and separate rinse aid.  A pod is sized for a regular dishwasher.  If I used pods I would have to do extra rinses.

[Morning Glory]

I must extend a humble apology to those whom I questioned for doing so much laundry. After selling the house and moving to a rental I realize that I really did have a huge washing machine. 2 loads per week for four people is not normal. The new one doesn't look much smaller on the outside but the capacity is half or less. Dishwasher too. I will go through twice as many of those pods!

My dishwasher is also the apartment size.  I use loose powder and separate rinse aid.  A pod is sized for a regular dishwasher.  If I used pods I would have to do extra rinses.

Thanks for the advice! I would have taken a while to realize what the problem was.

[TomTX]

I must extend a humble apology to those whom I questioned for doing so much laundry. After selling the house and moving to a rental I realize that I really did have a huge washing machine. 2 loads per week for four people is not normal. The new one doesn't look much smaller on the outside but the capacity is half or less. Dishwasher too. I will go through twice as many of those pods!

My dishwasher is also the apartment size.  I use loose powder and separate rinse aid.  A pod is sized for a regular dishwasher.  If I used pods I would have to do extra rinses.

Thanks for the advice! I would have taken a while to realize what the problem was.

If you have the pods with loose powder, you can cut them open and use half a pod per load.

I suggest watching this episode of Technology Connections:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rBO8neWw04

[DadJokes]

Dishwasher too. I will go through twice as many of those pods!

Pods!? What, is your dishwasher made by Keurig or something? (sounds wasteful)

Different kind of pod (I assume). It's dishwasher detergent in a bio-degradable package that dissolves in the dishwasher.

[GuitarStv]

They're also good eatin' -



In pod we trust.

[RWD]

Dishwasher too. I will go through twice as many of those pods!

Pods!? What, is your dishwasher made by Keurig or something? (sounds wasteful)

Different kind of pod (I assume). It's dishwasher detergent in a bio-degradable package that dissolves in the dishwasher.

Yeah, I've heard of them. I assume they are much more expensive than just buying a jug of dishwasher gel? Looks like ~3X the cost based on checking a few prices.

[Morning Glory]

Dishwasher too. I will go through twice as many of those pods!

Pods!? What, is your dishwasher made by Keurig or something? (sounds wasteful)

Different kind of pod (I assume). It's dishwasher detergent in a bio-degradable package that dissolves in the dishwasher.

Yeah, I've heard of them. I assume they are much more expensive than just buying a jug of dishwasher gel? Looks like ~3X the cost based on checking a few prices.

We still have a bunch leftover from the couponing days. Husband got a little carried away with it for a while and we had the space to store them at the old house. Most of them were free or a few cents after rebates, which is a great way to get spend for those cc bonuses!

[dragoncar]

If you have the pods with loose powder, you can cut them open and use half a pod per load.

Ah yes, the elusive option that is both more expensive and less convenient

[TomTX]

If you have the pods with loose powder, you can cut them open and use half a pod per load.

Ah yes, the elusive option that is both more expensive and less convenient

Well, they were from Costco and when we just put the whole pod in it was super convenient as a pretty reasonable price at 11 cents per pod ;)

Once we use up the current supply at the house, I'll swap to boxed powder.

[dragoncar]

Sure pods sound convenient if you don’t need to cut them open and divide their contents

[LennStar]

If you have the pods with loose powder, you can cut them open and use half a pod per load.

Ah yes, the elusive option that is both more expensive and less convenient

Not to mention vastly more damaging to the environment.

Pods are such a stupid idea, I am sure a Florida Man has invented them.

[Morning Glory]

If you have the pods with loose powder, you can cut them open and use half a pod per load.

Ah yes, the elusive option that is both more expensive and less convenient

Not to mention vastly more damaging to the environment.

Pods are such a stupid idea, I am sure a Florida Man has invented them.

I'm not sure about that. They might take more energy to manufacture but they are lighter weight and use less packaging than the equivalent "loads" of liquid soap, so it takes less energy to ship them.

 I'm sure powdered soap is best but I've had trouble getting it to dissolve, so I always use liquid unless I can get the pods cheaper.

[Green_Tea]

I believe the important thing environmentally is to use as little as possible of whatever.
Which basically makes pods worse because they are dosed to work even in the biggest dishwasher with the greasiest dishes - making them vastly overdosed for normal use. For a normal load less than half a pod works. Same for the powder etc, you can usually use much less than they say on the package.
I read a neat suggestion once to evaluate how much is actually necessary: use less and less unless the dishes stay a bit dirty and then use just a bit more :)

[RetiredAt63]

I read a neat suggestion once to evaluate how much is actually necessary: use less and less unless the dishes stay a bit dirty and then use just a bit more :)

That works for laundry detergent too.

[GuitarStv]

I read a neat suggestion once to evaluate how much is actually necessary: use less and less unless the dishes stay a bit dirty and then use just a bit more :)

That works for laundry detergent too.

Before you find yourself reducing quantity of laundry detergent, check if the clothes themselves need to be washed.  Most people wash clothes and sheets unnecessarily - ie, before they exhibit noticeable smell.  If you're washing clothes that aren't dirty, you can get away with using much less detergent . . . but still end up being worse for the environment.

[Morning Glory]

I read a neat suggestion once to evaluate how much is actually necessary: use less and less unless the dishes stay a bit dirty and then use just a bit more :)

That works for laundry detergent too.

Before you find yourself reducing quantity of laundry detergent, check if the clothes themselves need to be washed.  Most people wash clothes and sheets unnecessarily - ie, before they exhibit noticeable smell.  If you're washing clothes that aren't dirty, you can get away with using much less detergent . . . but still end up being worse for the environment.

I have little boys who pee the bed regularly. I put a little baking soda in there with the regular detergent to get rid of the smell.

I will confess to running the clothes dryer this week too. (Maybe this goes on the wall of shame???). We just moved from 2500sf house to 900sf apartment and everything was so jumbled that there was no room to set up the racks. It took me forever just to find the extra sheets. The complex does not allow clothes lines for whatever reason.

[AMandM]

The complex does not allow clothes lines for whatever reason.

Now there is a true Mustachian problem!

[AMandM]

They're also good eatin' -

In pod we trust.

Reminds me of Ramona Quimby, playing Hansel and Gretel, sticking her rubber doll into her sister's birthday cake baking in the oven.

[Dicey]

I read a neat suggestion once to evaluate how much is actually necessary: use less and less unless the dishes stay a bit dirty and then use just a bit more :)

That works for laundry detergent too.

Yup, that's a classic Tightwad Gazette strategy that still works.

[Green_Tea]

I read a neat suggestion once to evaluate how much is actually necessary: use less and less unless the dishes stay a bit dirty and then use just a bit more :)

That works for laundry detergent too.

Yup, that's a classic Tightwad Gazette strategy that still works.

Cool! Might have to buy that book afterall :)

My MMP: two ladybug larvae were eating the aphids on a plant on my (very small, hence MMP) balcony but now there don't seem to be  any aphids left - what about my poor ladybug larvae?!
(I'll take them to my parent's garden this evening ;) )

[mspym]

My MPP is I'm so good at not paying attention to the news, I totally missed the announcement of impending lockdown this afternoon, until alerted to it by a member of this forum.

[In my defense, it was a glorious afternoon to be out and enjoying the day instead of checking my phone.]

[DadJokes]

I read a neat suggestion once to evaluate how much is actually necessary: use less and less unless the dishes stay a bit dirty and then use just a bit more :)

That works for laundry detergent too.

Before you find yourself reducing quantity of laundry detergent, check if the clothes themselves need to be washed.  Most people wash clothes and sheets unnecessarily - ie, before they exhibit noticeable smell.  If you're washing clothes that aren't dirty, you can get away with using much less detergent . . . but still end up being worse for the environment.

I have little boys who pee the bed regularly. I put a little baking soda in there with the regular detergent to get rid of the smell.

I will confess to running the clothes dryer this week too. (Maybe this goes on the wall of shame???). We just moved from 2500sf house to 900sf apartment and everything was so jumbled that there was no room to set up the racks. It took me forever just to find the extra sheets. The complex does not allow clothes lines for whatever reason.

Ah, to live in a state with dry air...

I'm pretty sure that our clothes could hang outside for a week and never get dry here.

[Sibley]

I read a neat suggestion once to evaluate how much is actually necessary: use less and less unless the dishes stay a bit dirty and then use just a bit more :)

That works for laundry detergent too.

Before you find yourself reducing quantity of laundry detergent, check if the clothes themselves need to be washed.  Most people wash clothes and sheets unnecessarily - ie, before they exhibit noticeable smell.  If you're washing clothes that aren't dirty, you can get away with using much less detergent . . . but still end up being worse for the environment.

I have little boys who pee the bed regularly. I put a little baking soda in there with the regular detergent to get rid of the smell.

I will confess to running the clothes dryer this week too. (Maybe this goes on the wall of shame???). We just moved from 2500sf house to 900sf apartment and everything was so jumbled that there was no room to set up the racks. It took me forever just to find the extra sheets. The complex does not allow clothes lines for whatever reason.

Ah, to live in a state with dry air...

I'm pretty sure that our clothes could hang outside for a week and never get dry here.

I normally hang dry about 2/3 of my clothes. Right now, only the stuff that simply can't go in the dryer. Humidity is fun. At least it's 80 with 80% humidity.

[Freedomin5]

I read a neat suggestion once to evaluate how much is actually necessary: use less and less unless the dishes stay a bit dirty and then use just a bit more :)

That works for laundry detergent too.

Before you find yourself reducing quantity of laundry detergent, check if the clothes themselves need to be washed.  Most people wash clothes and sheets unnecessarily - ie, before they exhibit noticeable smell.  If you're washing clothes that aren't dirty, you can get away with using much less detergent . . . but still end up being worse for the environment.

I have little boys who pee the bed regularly. I put a little baking soda in there with the regular detergent to get rid of the smell.

I will confess to running the clothes dryer this week too. (Maybe this goes on the wall of shame???). We just moved from 2500sf house to 900sf apartment and everything was so jumbled that there was no room to set up the racks. It took me forever just to find the extra sheets. The complex does not allow clothes lines for whatever reason.

Ah, to live in a state with dry air...

I'm pretty sure that our clothes could hang outside for a week and never get dry here.

I normally hang dry about 2/3 of my clothes. Right now, only the stuff that simply can't go in the dryer. Humidity is fun. At least it's 80 with 80% humidity.

I once hung my clothes dry in Shanghai. They felt absolutely dry. I then packed them and flew to Canada the next day. Took my clothes out in Toronto, and they felt damp. Had to hang them for a day before they felt dry. That was my MPP. Sometimes I just wear the clothes even if they’re a bit damp. When it’s that humid, you’re likely sweating buckets anyway so your clothes are going to be damp anyway.

[Morning Glory]

I got the place more organized now so that there's room to air dry the clothes indoors. It still feels messy and disorganized in here, but it's better than it was before.

[Fomerly known as something]

My business trip got unexpectedly extended by a week.  My MPP, I need to buy some laundry pods (they are great for travel) because I didn’t think to bring the half bag from my house.

[Rural]

My institution is now withholding 457B contributions from faculty pay on summer supplemental contracts; I learned this from my monthly paystub. This is actually fantastic, but my MPP is that I now have to make adjustments and my HR people are confused by this.

[dougules]

Ah, to live in a state with dry air...

I'm pretty sure that our clothes could hang outside for a week and never get dry here.

I normally hang dry about 2/3 of my clothes. Right now, only the stuff that simply can't go in the dryer. Humidity is fun. At least it's 80 with 80% humidity.

A quirk of how air holds water means that hot and humid weather actually generally dries clothes faster than cool and dry.  As long as the relative humidity isn't close to 100%.  It's pretty humid here in the summer, but on days when it's hot (ie any time it's not raining) the clothes get dry much quicker than they would on dry days during the other times of the year. 

[RetiredAt63]

Ah, to live in a state with dry air...

I'm pretty sure that our clothes could hang outside for a week and never get dry here.

I normally hang dry about 2/3 of my clothes. Right now, only the stuff that simply can't go in the dryer. Humidity is fun. At least it's 80 with 80% humidity.

A quirk of how air holds water means that hot and humid weather actually generally dries clothes faster than cool and dry.  As long as the relative humidity isn't close to 100%.  It's pretty humid here in the summer, but on days when it's hot (ie any time it's not raining) the clothes get dry much quicker than they would on dry days during the other times of the year.

Air movement is important.  Hot humid and breezy works, hot humid and still and clothes stay damp.

Clothes also dry in cold air much better if there is a breeze.  I'm not fond of outdoor drying in cold weather, it is hard to get frozen fabric (especially sheets) off the line.

[GuitarStv]

Ah, to live in a state with dry air...

I'm pretty sure that our clothes could hang outside for a week and never get dry here.

I normally hang dry about 2/3 of my clothes. Right now, only the stuff that simply can't go in the dryer. Humidity is fun. At least it's 80 with 80% humidity.

A quirk of how air holds water means that hot and humid weather actually generally dries clothes faster than cool and dry.  As long as the relative humidity isn't close to 100%.  It's pretty humid here in the summer, but on days when it's hot (ie any time it's not raining) the clothes get dry much quicker than they would on dry days during the other times of the year.

I've found this too.  We'll get humidity in the 80s to high 90s in the summer, and clothes dry very quickly outside in the sun.

[markbike528CBX]

Ah, to live in a state with dry air...

I'm pretty sure that our clothes could hang outside for a week and never get dry here.

I normally hang dry about 2/3 of my clothes. Right now, only the stuff that simply can't go in the dryer. Humidity is fun. At least it's 80 with 80% humidity.

A quirk of how air holds water means that hot and humid weather actually generally dries clothes faster than cool and dry.  As long as the relative humidity isn't close to 100%.  It's pretty humid here in the summer, but on days when it's hot (ie any time it's not raining) the clothes get dry much quicker than they would on dry days during the other times of the year.

I've found this too.  We'll get humidity in the 80s to high 90s in the summer, and clothes dry very quickly outside in the sun.

FWIW:
Current temp  106F/41C (expected high of 115F  46C)
17% relative humidity Dew point 52.8F 11C

I wonder how much laundry drying it would take to get a swamp-cooling effect?

[Dicey]

Ah, to live in a state with dry air...

I'm pretty sure that our clothes could hang outside for a week and never get dry here.

I normally hang dry about 2/3 of my clothes. Right now, only the stuff that simply can't go in the dryer. Humidity is fun. At least it's 80 with 80% humidity.

A quirk of how air holds water means that hot and humid weather actually generally dries clothes faster than cool and dry.  As long as the relative humidity isn't close to 100%.  It's pretty humid here in the summer, but on days when it's hot (ie any time it's not raining) the clothes get dry much quicker than they would on dry days during the other times of the year.

I've found this too.  We'll get humidity in the 80s to high 90s in the summer, and clothes dry very quickly outside in the sun.

FWIW:
Current temp  106F/41C (expected high of 115F  46C)
17% relative humidity Dew point 52.8F 11C

I wonder how much laundry drying it would take to get a swamp-cooling effect?

Hopefully, way more clothing and linens than you own..

[halftimer]

My business trip got unexpectedly extended by a week.  My MPP, I need to buy some laundry pods (they are great for travel) because I didn’t think to bring the half bag from my house.

I'm really liking the laundry strips for travel, and for every week at home. At home I use 3/4 or a full strip, and for handwashing or travel I use little torn pieces. Packs super small - so I can have 6 full-size loads worth of laundry strips always with my travel items, which will last me through weeks of travel without refilling.

[anotherAlias]

I'm in the process of rolling over my old 401k to my Vanguard IRA.  The funds were withdrawn yesterday and will take a week to get to Vanguard according to the confirmation notice I received.  So for the next week my net worth balance on Personal Capital will be almost 600k off.  This is seriously f-ing with my financial ocd.  Here's hoping the market doesn't spike for some crazy reason before I can get the money reinvested.

[fuzzy math]

I'm in the process of rolling over my old 401k to my Vanguard IRA.  The funds were withdrawn yesterday and will take a week to get to Vanguard according to the confirmation notice I received.  So for the next week my net worth balance on Personal Capital will be almost 600k off.  This is seriously f-ing with my financial ocd.  Here's hoping the market doesn't spike for some crazy reason before I can get the money reinvested.

Even worse there will be a huge dip in your graph and PC will double count that as money saved and you'll have to issue an adjustment!!! LOL

[dcheesi]

I read a neat suggestion once to evaluate how much is actually necessary: use less and less unless the dishes stay a bit dirty and then use just a bit more :)

That works for laundry detergent too.

Before you find yourself reducing quantity of laundry detergent, check if the clothes themselves need to be washed.  Most people wash clothes and sheets unnecessarily - ie, before they exhibit noticeable smell.  If you're washing clothes that aren't dirty, you can get away with using much less detergent . . . but still end up being worse for the environment.

I have little boys who pee the bed regularly. I put a little baking soda in there with the regular detergent to get rid of the smell.

I will confess to running the clothes dryer this week too. (Maybe this goes on the wall of shame???). We just moved from 2500sf house to 900sf apartment and everything was so jumbled that there was no room to set up the racks. It took me forever just to find the extra sheets. The complex does not allow clothes lines for whatever reason.

Ah, to live in a state with dry air...

I'm pretty sure that our clothes could hang outside for a week and never get dry here.

I normally hang dry about 2/3 of my clothes. Right now, only the stuff that simply can't go in the dryer. Humidity is fun. At least it's 80 with 80% humidity.

I once hung my clothes dry in Shanghai. They felt absolutely dry. I then packed them and flew to Canada the next day. Took my clothes out in Toronto, and they felt damp. Had to hang them for a day before they felt dry. That was my MPP. Sometimes I just wear the clothes even if they’re a bit damp. When it’s that humid, you’re likely sweating buckets anyway so your clothes are going to be damp anyway.

Our perception of "dampness" is really cobbled together from other sensations, including a sense of cold. So one thing that can happen is if the clothes were warm when you felt them in Shanghai, but cold in Toronto (maybe the bag spent time outside, or even from the un-conditioned cargo hold of the plane), then your perception of their moisture content might have been fooled one way or the other.

This is why touch-testing the dryness of clothes right out of the dryer can be misleading, too, since the residual warmth masks any lingering dampness there.

[dragoncar]

I'm in the process of rolling over my old 401k to my Vanguard IRA.  The funds were withdrawn yesterday and will take a week to get to Vanguard according to the confirmation notice I received.  So for the next week my net worth balance on Personal Capital will be almost 600k off.  This is seriously f-ing with my financial ocd.  Here's hoping the market doesn't spike for some crazy reason before I can get the money reinvested.

Just add a manual slush account to make corrections.  It won’t help for yesterday though you gotta be on top of that!

[MissNancyPryor]

MPP:  Having to inform and convince a loan underwriter how it is possible to live without W-2 income or monthly retirement payments from a 401K, pension, or SS.  They are unfamiliar with the idea that someone can live on taxable brokerage proceeds which I collect just one time per year in December and they don't see how it is possible that I have paid zero income tax on that fat FIRE annual withdrawal.   

Backstory-  I am setting up a home equity line of credit so I can tap a large sum on short notice without selling stock.  My house is debt free and is worth more than $600K; I asked for just a $100K line of credit.  My net worth is about $3M without the house, have a 820 credit score, and I have been with this credit union for more than 30 years.  The HELOC should be a no brainer.       

The loan officer and the back office underwriter are stumped.  They have no idea what verification paperwork to ask of me and we have had a few phone calls where I have explained FIRE and the 4% rule and that I live on less than 2% tax free.  They are fascinated, polite, and not uncooperative, but it is work on my part to explain how I manage to live without a Holy Paycheck, Giver of All Things.

I have suggested which paperwork might help them and they are having meetings about me.  They are unable to make a decision without some kind of massive internal consensus.  If my Interactive Brokers margin account was working like it should be I wouldn't bother (it isn't, I will add story to that separate thread when I know more).

Sigh.  It is hard to be weird.  You get it.     

I think it is on the pre-FIRE checklist for Mustachians to consider getting a HELOC set up before they leave work if they ever think they will want one, and I agree.  No creative thinking is required when you show up with a W-2.  On the other hand, maybe someone in the credit union is getting their eyes opened to the concept of FIRE this week and will come visit us one day.   

[Dollar Slice]

MPP:  Having to inform and convince a loan underwriter how it is possible to live without W-2 income or monthly retirement payments from a 401K, pension, or SS.  They are unfamiliar with the idea that someone can live on taxable brokerage proceeds which I collect just one time per year in December and they don't see how it is possible that I have paid zero income tax on that fat FIRE annual withdrawal.

Yeah. I needed a co-signer on something a few years back, and my retired mother, who is worth seven figures and has a modest pension on top of that, did not qualify to co-sign for it because she didn't have a "real" paycheck.  The worst case scenario would have been having to pay out ~$25k, and being a millionaire+ with a pension wasn't good enough to *co-sign* for it on top of my own net worth and paycheck. They explained that since she didn't have a real income, she could theoretically just spend all her money next week and then not have the money to back it up. They required me to find someone with a $120k+ salary.

[rantk81]

If it is a local credit union that is planning to keep the loan on their books, you might have a chance.  If they just resell all their loans, then it is very probable you will not meet the requirements and will be turned down.

Agree 100% about applying for any credit before one pulls the rip cord on the FIRE parachute.

IB margin rates for PRO are probably better than any HELOC you can get, so it might be better to get that straightened out instead, whatever the issue there is.  I’d be curious to hear why ;)

[MissNancyPryor]

@Dollar Slice

Classic.  The notion that ANY loan made could have circumstances change the moment after it is granted is apparently lost on them. 

Anyone can get a loan based on their paycheck and simply quit their job the following day-- this surely won't happen in their minds.   

But your mom is obvi going to head to Vegas and bleach through a cool mill on a girls' weekend, sure thing!  Whoop!

The Cult of the Holy Paycheck wins. 

I hope my credit union is smarter than that.

@rantk81 They don't sell their HELOCs, good news.       

[Dicey]

@Dollar Slice

Classic.  The notion that ANY loan made could have circumstances change the moment after it is granted is apparently lost on them. 

Anyone can get a loan based on their paycheck and simply quit their job the following day-- this surely won't happen in their minds.   

But your mom is obvi going to head to Vegas and bleach through a cool mill on a girls' weekend, sure thing!  Whoop!

The Cult of the Holy Paycheck wins. 

I hope my credit union is smarter than that.

@rantk81 They don't sell their HELOCs, good news.       

Based on your long-standing relationship with the CU, I'd cut out the middlemen and reach out directly to the CEO. That should get some results, especially if they carry their own paper.

[SwordGuy]

MPP:  Having to inform and convince a loan underwriter how it is possible to live without W-2 income or monthly retirement payments from a 401K, pension, or SS.  They are unfamiliar with the idea that someone can live on taxable brokerage proceeds which I collect just one time per year in December and they don't see how it is possible that I have paid zero income tax on that fat FIRE annual withdrawal.   

I put my experience at getting a new mortgage after FIRE in this thread.   While it's not a HELOC it references approved US government guidelines for issuing a mortgage based on asset portfolios and not paychecks.   I hope it helps you out.

I have a vague idea that you aren't in the US, but even then, it may give you terms to search for in your own country or, at the least, proof that the idea isn't simply crazy.       I pointed out to our mortgage broker that if a lot of our wealth was just sitting in a checking account it would be possible we had just won a lottery and would blow it all -- but since a huge percentage of it was in IRAs and 401Ks, that simply could not be true.   You just can't get that kind of balance in those accounts overnight.

Well, it turns out from the news that you can if you're extremely rich and defraud the government with a faulty stock valuation scheme for stocks you put into the account.
https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/real-estate-and-landlording/morgages-after-fire/

[MissNancyPryor]

I am in the Northwest USA.  I should have a resolution early next week and if they haven't got their act together I will be taking it further.  Logic dictates this should be zero problem for them and it strikes me as odd (and is a silly Mustachian People Problem) that they are fumbling around at all.  I feel like some weird unicorn, do people really never walk away from paychecks?  Of course they do.   

I will give an update once this is done.     

[SwordGuy]

I am in the Northwest USA.  I should have a resolution early next week and if they haven't got their act together I will be taking it further.  Logic dictates this should be zero problem for them and it strikes me as odd (and is a silly Mustachian People Problem) that they are fumbling around at all.  I feel like some weird unicorn, do people really never walk away from paychecks?  Of course they do.   

I will give an update once this is done.     

I had to read the Fannie May and Freddie Mac guidelines and craft a regular withdrawal plan before I could get them to approve it.   They were fumbling around in the dark and lost.   Once I did that things went just fine.