Mom Staying at Home

[Milkman666]

Well, wifey and I are not FI yet, but we are well on our way. Well enough on our way that wifey is now seriously considering leaving work to stay at home with the kids (5 and 2 years old). This is one of those cost/reward issues that, for me at least, clearly falls on the "we don't need the money that bad" side of the fence.

I really think we'll all be happier with the "traditional" (don't shit on me for using the word traditional... I used quotes!) family model, and am thankful that, thanks to our Mustachian ways, we will be able to do it financially.

The funny thing is that I am wholly unconcerned with the financial aspect of this adventure; I work in a secure government position (with a DB pension), making very good money, but my wife is hard-wired to always think like she is in dire straits financially - even though she never has been.

I told her that if the shoes were on the other feet, I would have been off work for the past 5 years already!

[Rural]

Ah, and to help her more, point out that she won't be off work at all. What do you pay in childcare/ her commute/ her other work expenses? She'll be "making" that much on Day 1, and she'll probably find ways to save the household money, increasing her wage even more.

[Catbert]

I guess the question really is, does your wife want to stay home.  Just because you want her to (or think that you would want to) doesn't mean it right for her. 

[tooqk4u22]

Obviously a personal decision that for one family may be right and another not. 

When we had our 2nd, DW wanted to stay home and it entailed giving up her salary/bonus that at the time exceeded mine. So maybe doing it put FIRE at a later point, but so did having three kids for that matter, anyway it was the best decision for our family. 

[Frankies Girl]

Agree with mary w on the "does she really want to" question... if she really wants to, then Rural has it right.

Sit down and figure out the cost of childcare - including the commutes.

Add to that the cost of her commute to and from work, work clothes, wear and tear on car, car insurance (check with your insurance about dropping the rate on her vehicle if she has her own once she is going to be an occasional driver instead of a daily), lunches and other expenditures that she has to make while working.

Also factor in the amount for "conveniences" that you paid out because you both were too tired to do whatever - cook, shop, yard care, etc. - after work or the weekends.

And there is also the factor you really can't put a price on - an actual parent raising their own kids.

Unless she's making major money, with two kids, having a stay at home parent would be awesome for your whole family and financial outlook. BUT she totally should love the idea of being a stay at home parent and the running of the household, meals, and errand running if this is going to work without her resenting the idea of taking on all of that  - and it will be work! (and you should try to help out with the kids to give her a "me time" break as often as you can - she may love the kids, but being with them 24/7 will drive her batty in a short time)


Me personally, I'd LOVE to stay home and cook, clean, garden and run the errands and mow the yard and fix stuff... that would be wonderful for me. Unfortunately, my job is much more lucrative and carries the best benefits compared to the husband. Sigh.

[Emilyngh]

My husband stays home with our daughter (and quit a decently paying job, so even with daycare etc factored in it costs us a pretty penny).    He's done it for 2 years and it's one of the best decisions we've made.   That, and I work a job where I'm off about half of the time, have extreme flexibility, but am paid less than 1/2 of what I could be making.

While dh and me being home so much is costly financially, I think of it as living a semi-FI life already.    Instead of having a horrible life and reaching FI 5 yrs from now, we're choosing to have a great one and live as if almost FI for 10-12 more yrs before becoming completelyFI.

[Milkman666]

The way we figure it, we'll be giving up about $15k per year in the end. I do pretty well in that department, so it's not an issue.

I think she is just having trouble with a couple of things:

• She thinks is a major financial gamble because nobody she knows has managed their money well enough to be able to consider such a move; and
• She's always worked. She likes it, and is to some extent, defined by it. A little fear of the unknown I guess.

It's her decision of course, and I wouldn't hold it against her if she decided not to, but even she acknowledges that she's probably never regret leaving her current employer, but she may very well regret not spending more time with the kids.

Thank you all for your input, it really helps. It's hard to discuss with friends and family because we can afford to consider this, and most people I know absolutely can not. They have nice cars though. ;)

[smalllife]

I guess the question really is, does your wife want to stay home.  Just because you want her to (or think that you would want to) doesn't mean it right for her.

+1  Make sure you both understand the reality of staying at home - 24/7 with a 5 year old and a 2 year old with intermittent breaks of adult company.  Not everyone, even those who love their offspring, will like much less thrive as a stay at home parent.

[Left]

sounds more like you want her to stay at home... :S with the "I really think we'll all be happier with the traditional family model" and how you think she's tepid about it...

Why not flip the shoe and have you stay at home instead? If she wants to keep working, why not let her?

[Milkman666]

I make waaaaaaaaaaaaaay more money than she does, and we can't do it on her wage alone. If the roles were reversed I'd have been Mr. Mom for years already!

She has told me that she wants to as well, she's just nervous about it.

[renbutler]

My wife's dream was to be a full-time mom, and we made it work even in a moderately affluent area with one income (mine) around $60k. We haven't had much extra to spend on some things we want (which I was okay with). But I told her that if we ever wanted more than we need, she'd have to get a part-time job. Now she gets to be a mom during the day, and work part-time about 16 hours a week doing something she likes (library work). It's also good for her to connect with other adults on a regular basis. We also save a ton of money in commuting and child-care costs.

So, all the concerns we might have had have been addressed, and we like where we are -- that is, until I can retire early. :)

[Emilyngh]

The way we figure it, we'll be giving up about $15k per year in the end. I do pretty well in that department, so it's not an issue.

I think she is just having trouble with a couple of things:

• She thinks is a major financial gamble because nobody she knows has managed their money well enough to be able to consider such a move; and
• She's always worked. She likes it, and is to some extent, defined by it. A little fear of the unknown I guess.

Oh, I definitely relate to the first point.     All we hear from friends etc with similar incomes is that they're jealous b/c they could NEVER afford to have a sahp.     I heard this so much that I was very scared and when we made the leap I gave us a very cushy budget and was prepared mentally to tap savings if needed.    And you know what?   2 years later and I've tightened our budget up, ramped back up our savings, and am on a path to FI.   When my friends say "we could never afford it" I really want to say "huh, b/c we can afford it on the same income, live better than you, and save way more than you, no problem" (but I don't).

As far as ypor 2nd point, now THAT'S not something to be taken lightly.    I would be miserable without a career.

[Zaga]

Could you convince her to take a sabbatical from work for several months?  Then she can try it out, and also have  "way out" if she decides that it isn't working.

[Insanity]

We were in the same position financially, and my wife was the same way.  We used to have arguments because I (and I know this was unfair) was in a new job (twice) and made significantly more than my wife.  Our daughter had been getting sick a lot early on (she was put in daycare earlier than we wanted due to my wife having to be on bed rest) and it was always "who had to go pick her up" or "who had to stay home with her".  Picking her up, I usually did because it would take my wife an hour just to get home from working in the city (if the trains hadn't come yet).  But staying home was usually on her because I either didn't have the time to take or the ability to work from home (this was for a few reasons). 

My wife and I had discussions and while she wanted to work, she also missed the time she was spending with our daughter (she would leave at 7, not get home till 6:30 - I took our daughter to day care and picked her up) and was concerned about the amount of time she was having to take.  We knew it would be tight (turns out due to another switch in jobs, and a second child, and medical bills it has become excessively tight to losing our savings).  In the long run, the decision to stay with the small company that appears to be headed in the right direction will hopefully be worth it.  Especially since it means some travel. 

She has difficulty with the lack of adult time and feeling productive.  But she is spending very important time with the kids.   We should be cutting back on things a lot more than we are and I think she is starting to see that. 

Good luck with your decision, and feel free to reach out to me over PM.

[Rebecca Stapler]

In 3 years, when your youngest is in school, would she want to go back to working outside the home, on a PT basis? Would she be able to do that in her current field if she took 3 years off? It might be more feasible for her to find PT work now (or transition her current job to PT), instead of trying to get back into her field after time off.

[Milkman666]

Blythe time the baby starts school we will be FI or very very close, so we had a talk and I mentioned that she/we could get any job(s) we like with total disregard for the wage paid. This appeals to her very much; work at a pet store, bakery, flower shop, shoe store (for the staff discount!!).

I am not pressuring her as much as it seems to some out there; I just have to bring her back to earth that we can easily afford it financially, so that should not be a factor in her decision. And it is her decision.

[MrsPete]

I've always worked, and it's been good for us -- most of the time.  When the kids were small, our household ran pretty smoothly EXCEPT when my husband traveled or when one of the kids was sick.  At those points, it was horrible.   

Things I'd suggest you kick around while making your decision:

- Dad, how secure is your job? 
- Dad, how regular are your work hours?  How demanding is your job?  Do you travel?  Would having a full-time parent at home make it possible for you to advance in your career more effectively?   
- Dad, do you have access to good health care and other benefits? 
- Mom, how easy would it be for you re-enter your career in the future, if you want or need to do so?  If it'd be difficult, how could your keep yourself up-to-date?   
- Mom, are you prepared to search out ways to save money at home?  Are both of you ready to make small financial sacrafices to make this work?   
- Mom, are you emotionally okay with being "out of the adult world? 
- Both of you, have you done the math both ways -- not just your weekly/monthly paycheck, but also your long-term savings? 
- Both of you, how secure is your marriage?

Finally, this isn't a decision you can make without considering the financial, the emotional, and the practical side of things.  Regardless of what you decide, I suggest you agree to take it year-by-year and decide whether everything's still working for your family.  What works with one child isn't necessarily what will work once you have more.  What works when you have pre-schoolers isn't necessarily what works with teenagers.  So agree to reevaluate periodically (we do a big financial look-over every New Year's Eve and on our anniversary, which falls in summer).

And one more thing -- yeah, I know, I said "finally" already; clearly, I was lying -- do not neglect life insurance and disability insurance for both parents, even if one is staying at home and isn't earning.  The REAL financial nightmare is that the stay-at-home parent becomes ill and unable to care for the children, meaning that the working parent has to pay someone else to do those things AND has to pay medical bills.  Avoid ever placing yourself in that situation by maintaining good insurance as long as you're raising kids.   

[Milkman666]

- Dad, how secure is your job? 
- Dad, how regular are your work hours?  How demanding is your job?  Do you travel?  Would having a full-time parent at home make it possible for you to advance in your career more effectively?   
- Dad, do you have access to good health care and other benefits? 
- Mom, how easy would it be for you re-enter your career in the future, if you want or need to do so?  If it'd be difficult, how could your keep yourself up-to-date?   
- Mom, are you prepared to search out ways to save money at home?  Are both of you ready to make small financial sacrafices to make this work?   
- Mom, are you emotionally okay with being "out of the adult world? 
- Both of you, have you done the math both ways -- not just your weekly/monthly paycheck, but also your long-term savings? 
- Both of you, how secure is your marriage?

My job is very secure. You'd have to kill somebody to get fired. Unless you were sorry, then you'd get a short paid leave!

Work hours are standard 8-4. I am a mid-level official with the government. I travel about 30 days per year. I am not interested in advancing my career any further than I already have, because it will take me further and further from doing the things I enjoy and worked hard to master.

I'm Canadian, so I have standard medical coverage. In addition, full extended health care, pension, life insurance and benefits.

Mom could enter the workforce at the same level with very little difficulty, and at a higher level if she worked at it a little.

Our household is a pretty mustachian operation. Money is NOT an issue.

Mom being out of the adult world is what makes her nervous. We are not young parents and most of her friends who have children are emptying the nest now, or close to it. This is the sticking point for her, and I don't blame her.

Our marriage is as strong as ever. Our relationship has been an exciting ride from the start, and we're both still enjoying it. I just think we'd enjoy it more if we got more family-centric.

We have two kids, and no more are coming... I assure you ;)

[milla]

I know this is an older thread but I'm one of those women who loves my kids to death but staying home with them (one at the time) was unbearable. I just could not do it. Working part time keeps me current in the field, keeps me sane and interesting at social events and most of all I am a better woman for it. In my field emotional burnout is a problem but because I am a part timer I am actually 100% there and I work hard because I'm not tired!
My son is currently having some health problems so I am cutting back my schedule to two (yes, two!) hours a week but I cling to those two hours because I don't think I can cut myself off completely. The idea is I will go back up to part time when I can.

Our long term plan includes me going back to work once the kids (we want more) are done with the mom-centric needs (mostly breastfeeding) and then switching places with my husband who would love a turn to stay home with school aged kids.

I know most people aren't lucky enough to have this extreme flexibility but usually there is something part time that can be done, even if it's not her current job exactly.