MM Poll - Best man at wedding this summer

[Huskie87]

Looking for some feedback on a decision I'll have to make this summer.

I'm best man for a wedding this summer, late August.  Wedding is at the other end of the country.  I have a toddler and a newborn.

If I was just a guest, this would be an easy decision.  As best man, it's a little more difficult.

I see three choices:
1 - go, attend everything, quarantine for 14 days when I return
2 - don't go, send a very nice gift and maybe a 'best man speech' letter
3 - Drive rather than fly.  Don't attend grooms dinner or reception, but stand in the wedding ceremony and pictures.

I feel like #3 is a good compromise, but wondering what others would do in this situation.

[martyconlonontherun]

4 - Fly, wear masks and be cautious. Attend the safest events and just be less social and try to keep to small groups outside/patio, have fun. Upon returning, immediately get tested and keep your distance for a couple days. Get tests every couple days while monitoring symptoms. Tests should be available at the point. Even that is probably overkill depending on how prevalent Corona is where you are going/how full your flight is.

[YttriumNitrate]

#3 sounds miserable. Two cross-country road trips for an hour or so ceremony and some pictures.

I'd probably go, fly, attend everything, and get tested when I return.

[wonkette]

I'm in a similar situation but not the "of honor" wedding party member. I'm driving with my wife and trying to limit the amount of other people we see (this is the difficult part as the wedding is sort of near her elderly parents!). The wedding is outside and they've cut down the guest list pretty significantly. I will probably cut my time at the reception short. Not going at all would have been a pretty big blow to this relationship.

[wageslave23]

Fly, wear a mask, social distance as much as possible but still attend everything.  Social distance as much as possible from your family for a couple of days upon returning, get tested as well.

[fat-johnny]

When your friend/relative/whoever asked you to be the best man:  the minute you said "yes", you agreed to be there.  Not going is simply out of the question.  Only attending part/partial activities is also, IMHO, out of the question.  You agreed to be his BEST MAN.  You agreed to stand behind him and back him up as he got married: now's the time to do so.

Like other's have said, I'd fly out and be as "socially distant" and Covid aware/responsible as possible.  I'd probably leave the wife and kids at home, and do all of this solo.

[ixtap]

2.

Tell them now, so that they can replace you if having someone in person is that important to them. Or, better yet, so that they have time to consider adding video capabilities to their wedding, as I assume they have other friends and family that would need to travel, as well.

[MayDay]

I wouldn't go.

[Cyanne]

I would attend and take precautions both traveling and on your return.  My friends had Covid and although their daughter and granddaughters lived in the same house they did not get it. My friends stayed on the second story of their house and did not interact or share the same space as the rest of the family until they tested negative. You can attend and keep your family safe if you take all of the precautionary measures.

[nereo]

That's tough.

I would probably select #2.  FWIW I also have a toddler and aging grandparents, which factor into my decision. 

Our daycare will not allow the child to attend if someone in the home has traveled outside the state until a 14 day quarantine has been completed.  You might check with your daycare provider to see if there is a similar requirement.

[charis]

Tests are freely available in our area with 3-4 day turn around.  Have the hosts made any changes to their plans in light of the pandemic, or are they expecting everything to proceed as normal?

My question is whether social distancing is even possible. The OP can wear a mask but if the wedding events are close quarters and no one else is wearing one, it will be difficult to "take precautions." If events are outside and/or limited in guests, as required in most places, I personally would be ok with it.

[nereo]

My question is whether social distancing is even possible.

This is what made my head spin while considering it.  There's the cross-country flight (with possible layover), the transportation to/from the airport (car rental seems least-risk?), lodging (hotel?), rehearsal & rehearsal dinner, ceremony & reception, plus likely meet-ups with friends before and after.  ADditional consideration about where you eat during the trip, and how many active cases there are in the destination city.

That's about a dozen chances for exposure in a 2-3 day period, many of which are higher risk. Certainly there are things you can do to reduce risk for all of these, but a lot of that will depend on the wedding itself. If its indoors and they ask you not to wear a mask during photos - that's a tough line to follow.  If it's outdoors with ample spacing in a city with very few active cases, that's manageable.

[Huskie87]

My question is whether social distancing is even possible.

This is what made my head spin while considering it.  There's the cross-country flight (with possible layover), the transportation to/from the airport (car rental seems least-risk?), lodging (hotel?), rehearsal & rehearsal dinner, ceremony & reception, plus likely meet-ups with friends before and after.  ADditional consideration about where you eat during the trip, and how many active cases there are in the destination city.

That's about a dozen chances for exposure in a 2-3 day period, many of which are higher risk. Certainly there are things you can do to reduce risk for all of these, but a lot of that will depend on the wedding itself. If its indoors and they ask you not to wear a mask during photos - that's a tough line to follow.  If it's outdoors with ample spacing in a city with very few active cases, that's manageable.

Thanks to both of you for the questions. 

The wedding is in one of the largest cities in the country.  The wedding and reception are both indoors.  This will be a very traditional wedding, where I'd expect 200 guests prior to COVID-19, but certainly some people won't show up because of the conditions.

[nereo]

I feel for you Huskie87 - not an easy decision to make. 
Personally and with consideration to what you've said about the wedding, I'd go with #2.  But there's no "right" answer here.

Maybe your friend can set up a zoom-link so you can give your best-man speech live from home?  I've seen similar things done lately.

[Steeze]

I would attend as normal, fly, and get tested when you return. Maybe rent an air BnB for a week or two if you are worried.

[G-String]

I'd do number 2.  I've been invited to a number of weddings across the country and never go.  Hasn't impacted my relationships with my friends one bit.  I can't justify a few thousand dollars for a couple day event. 

[ixtap]

I'd do number 2.  I've been invited to a number of weddings across the country and never go.  Hasn't impacted my relationships with my friends one bit.  I can't justify a few thousand dollars for a couple day event.

Having a policy of not going is very different than choosing not to go after accepting to be best man.

I mean, I already came out in favor of #2, but the distinction between the two situations is enormous, even if the end result comes to the same.

[maisymouser]

4 - Fly, wear masks and be cautious. Attend the safest events and just be less social and try to keep to small groups outside/patio, have fun. Upon returning, immediately get tested and keep your distance for a couple days. Get tests every couple days while monitoring symptoms. Tests should be available at the point. Even that is probably overkill depending on how prevalent Corona is where you are going/how full your flight is.

This, but with a caveat: does the groom plan to implement ANY suggestions to guests to socially distance? Do you trust the group of people to any degree to have some common sense about the pandemic?

Personally I would take this, as well as how close I am with the groom, into consideration.

[Huskie87]

I'd do number 2.  I've been invited to a number of weddings across the country and never go.  Hasn't impacted my relationships with my friends one bit.  I can't justify a few thousand dollars for a couple day event.

Having a policy of not going is very different than choosing not to go after accepting to be best man.

I mean, I already came out in favor of #2, but the distinction between the two situations is enormous, even if the end result comes to the same.

100% agree.  This isn't about time or money, it's about the health of my children.  And if it helps, I was asked/accepted that role in the spring of 2019, long before COVID-19.

[JLee]

Have any of the wedding plans changed due to current events?

[Huskie87]

4 - Fly, wear masks and be cautious. Attend the safest events and just be less social and try to keep to small groups outside/patio, have fun. Upon returning, immediately get tested and keep your distance for a couple days. Get tests every couple days while monitoring symptoms. Tests should be available at the point. Even that is probably overkill depending on how prevalent Corona is where you are going/how full your flight is.

This, but with a caveat: does the groom plan to implement ANY suggestions to guests to socially distance? Do you trust the group of people to any degree to have some common sense about the pandemic?

Personally I would take this, as well as how close I am with the groom, into consideration.

Thanks for the question Prison Mike.  There is only so much that can be done when confined to an indoor setting.  The ceremony and reception spaces are designed to be close to capacity during normal times, and I would expect that turnout will play a major role in what they can accomplish. 

[Huskie87]

Have any of the wedding plans changed due to current events?

None of the plans have changed, but the wedding was delayed from it's originally scheduled date because of Covid

[ixtap]

4 - Fly, wear masks and be cautious. Attend the safest events and just be less social and try to keep to small groups outside/patio, have fun. Upon returning, immediately get tested and keep your distance for a couple days. Get tests every couple days while monitoring symptoms. Tests should be available at the point. Even that is probably overkill depending on how prevalent Corona is where you are going/how full your flight is.

This, but with a caveat: does the groom plan to implement ANY suggestions to guests to socially distance? Do you trust the group of people to any degree to have some common sense about the pandemic?

Personally I would take this, as well as how close I am with the groom, into consideration.

Thanks for the question Prison Mike.  There is only so much that can be done when confined to an indoor setting.  The ceremony and reception spaces are designed to be close to capacity during normal times, and I would expect that turnout will play a major role in what they can accomplish.

Capacity may be slashed by the venue. If there are any local regulations, disregarding those regulations will nullify their insurance.

[kina]

If you are close enough to the groom to be his best man, then you are close enough for him to understand why you can't/shouldn't come now. It will pain you to do this and he will know it.

Also, perhaps by August there will be reliable testing. Right now, I wouldn't trust a test that comes back negative for covid. Way, way, too many false negatives even on people with all the symptoms.

[Huskie87]

4 - Fly, wear masks and be cautious. Attend the safest events and just be less social and try to keep to small groups outside/patio, have fun. Upon returning, immediately get tested and keep your distance for a couple days. Get tests every couple days while monitoring symptoms. Tests should be available at the point. Even that is probably overkill depending on how prevalent Corona is where you are going/how full your flight is.

This, but with a caveat: does the groom plan to implement ANY suggestions to guests to socially distance? Do you trust the group of people to any degree to have some common sense about the pandemic?

Personally I would take this, as well as how close I am with the groom, into consideration.

Thanks for the question Prison Mike.  There is only so much that can be done when confined to an indoor setting.  The ceremony and reception spaces are designed to be close to capacity during normal times, and I would expect that turnout will play a major role in what they can accomplish.

Capacity may be slashed by the venue. If there are any local regulations, disregarding those regulations will nullify their insurance.

Good point.  I suspect with the uncertainty, they won't know this until a closer date.  But definitely worth a follow-up.  Thanks.

[nereo]

4 - Fly, wear masks and be cautious. Attend the safest events and just be less social and try to keep to small groups outside/patio, have fun. Upon returning, immediately get tested and keep your distance for a couple days. Get tests every couple days while monitoring symptoms. Tests should be available at the point. Even that is probably overkill depending on how prevalent Corona is where you are going/how full your flight is.

This, but with a caveat: does the groom plan to implement ANY suggestions to guests to socially distance? Do you trust the group of people to any degree to have some common sense about the pandemic?

Personally I would take this, as well as how close I am with the groom, into consideration.

Thanks for the question Prison Mike.  There is only so much that can be done when confined to an indoor setting.  The ceremony and reception spaces are designed to be close to capacity during normal times, and I would expect that turnout will play a major role in what they can accomplish.

Capacity may be slashed by the venue. If there are any local regulations, disregarding those regulations will nullify their insurance.

Not your problem, but yikes, what a potential social minefield for the B&G.  Imagine you had 200 confirmed guests at a venue that normally maxes at 220, and a public health laws force them to operate at no more than 25% (54 people).  Sure, a bunch of people may decide it’s too risky to come and bow out, but they might also have to tell a bunch of friends they no longer can come.  Some of those might have already bought flights and booked hotels. Worse, the B&G won’t know whether capacity will be 25%, 50% or 100% more than a couple weeks in advance. 

I know this must be going on in my current state, which currently has a 25% restriction.  It’s anyone’s guess what it will be in August.

[GuitarStv]

2

[Car Jack]

Tough choices.  I personally would do #3.  But I've driven from Boston to Orlando sort of just for fun.  So a cross country car trip would be doubly fun.  Drive thrus are fine with me.

Then again, I told my boss I wouldn't be back in the office till August.  (may not even go then)

[Frankies Girl]

I laughed at some of the responses that consider your best man status as being all important and you must risk everything since you made the commitment to do so. And then I got very sad that there are people that think like this and see zero issues with it.

The idea that nothing is more important than the idea of a guy "standing up" in a fancy suit next to a buddy since he said he would? Like if there is a death in his family, or had an emergency, or say, oh I don't know... a worldwide pandemic that is killing people or could mean serious long-term health issues if exposed...  being a buddy in a completely superfluous ritual is more important than the health and safety of his family, or even his own health and safety? Friend legit could not get married without the OP there? Wow.

"My 2 year old got sick and now has a lung condition that will cause long term issues for the rest of their life, and we lost grandma because I brought back COVID, but my buddy's fancy wedding/party was way more important. Sorry kid and grandma!"


The buddy can be married without any ceremony. Without the wedding march to the altar and the long speeches and readings and hundreds awkwardly shifting about the pews, the fancy dress, dancing, cake, drinking and all that bullshit. Weddings are not important; they are a sort of lecture/show followed by (debatable) fun parties. MARRIAGES are the important part.



OP - #2 please. don't go. if your friend is truly a friend, he must understand that COVID19 is an unprecedented issue, and your family (and hell yes your own health and safety) is something you must protect at all costs. I do hope maybe he and his intended realize they need to drastically change or just cancel things and elope and maybe have a nice anniversary party for family and friends in the future when things are MUCH safer.

[jrhampt]

I wouldn't go.  I'm shocked that anywhere in the US would even be thinking about allowing an indoor gathering of 200 people, and if such a place exists, I'm pretty sure that the people who live there are not wearing masks or taking appropriate precautions.  If he's your friend, he'll understand.  Extenuating circumstances/act of God kind of stuff.

[Huskie87]

I laughed at some of the responses that consider your best man status as being all important and you must risk everything since you made the commitment to do so. And then I got very sad that there are people that think like this and see zero issues with it.

I agree.  My hope is these are people who just don't have children and understand what that responsibility means.

I came up with #3 because, to me, the time/money/energy aren't a concern, and I'd really like to not have to resort to #2.  There's zero chance I get on an airplane, just put that option in to see where the MM universe was at these days.  But for #3... I can drive the 40 hours roundtrip, sleep in the back seat at rest stops, and still show up in my suit (and facemask).  This is a lot of effort, and my hope is that my friend will understand the dedication that takes to show up for the most important part of the day.  It's not zero risk, but much less so than airplanes, hotels, reception hall, bars, etc. 

[nereo]

Sounds like you are a great friend. 
Many years ago I would have considered #3. I’ve driven from SF to DC/Boston more times than I can remember, and it can be a lot of fun.  But my life has changed too much for me to have that kind of time.  Maybe when I’m FI/RE...

[jscully81]

Looking for some feedback on a decision I'll have to make this summer.

I'm best man for a wedding this summer, late August.  Wedding is at the other end of the country.  I have a toddler and a newborn.

If I was just a guest, this would be an easy decision.  As best man, it's a little more difficult.

I see three choices:
1 - go, attend everything, quarantine for 14 days when I return
2 - don't go, send a very nice gift and maybe a 'best man speech' letter
3 - Drive rather than fly.  Don't attend grooms dinner or reception, but stand in the wedding ceremony and pictures.


I feel like #3 is a good compromise, but wondering what others would do in this situation.

My god this was painful to read. I thought it was satire. If you think you're still going to die from covid just do the groom a favor and hunker down forever.

[nereo]

My god this was painful to read. I thought it was satire. If you think you're still going to die from covid just do the groom a favor and hunker down forever.

Are you suggesting that this is all some sort of hoax?

[oldladystache]

I wouldn't go. Unless I really wanted to.

[mm1970]

Looking for some feedback on a decision I'll have to make this summer.

I'm best man for a wedding this summer, late August.  Wedding is at the other end of the country.  I have a toddler and a newborn.

If I was just a guest, this would be an easy decision.  As best man, it's a little more difficult.

I see three choices:
1 - go, attend everything, quarantine for 14 days when I return
2 - don't go, send a very nice gift and maybe a 'best man speech' letter
3 - Drive rather than fly.  Don't attend grooms dinner or reception, but stand in the wedding ceremony and pictures.


I feel like #3 is a good compromise, but wondering what others would do in this situation.

My god this was painful to read. I thought it was satire. If you think you're still going to die from covid just do the groom a favor and hunker down forever.

Reading comprehension not your strong suit?  I bolded the important parts for you.

[Paul der Krake]

DW is a a bridesmaid 6,000 miles away in the fall and we plan on attending unless told not to. We don't have kids, but I don't think it would fundamentally change our calculus.

Assuming it isn't postponed, I'd go and take the same precautions you take when you go to the grocery store. I don't usually hug airline and hotel employees anyway.

[ReadySetMillionaire]

A collection of miscellaneous thoughts:

1. I did not go to a friend's wedding in Brooklyn for financial reasons, and it still is probably one of my top regrets in life. I get upset every time I see him knowing I missed his wedding. Your reasoning for missing your friend's wedding would be different, but it's possible you might feel the same.

2. If you are generally concerned about COVID, driving seems less safe than flying. I've done a 26 hour road trip before and that means stopping 6 or 7 times at 1-2 places each time. That's 4-5 gas stations, 4-5 restaurants, a hotel (or two), etc. It just doesn't seem safer than flying to me.

3. I really, really, really don't want to get into a COVID debate, but your options presented indicate to me that you don't have a rational view of what's going on right now, who the virus is affecting, etc. The data is coming in and we now know that the majority of deaths -- in many states more than 70% -- are nursing homes deaths, and that's even with governors blatantly covering up their malpractice nursing home policies. I'm not going to argue about COVID, but just look at the CDC data and stop watching the news (seriously, best decision I made during this was cancelling YouTubeTV).

Data is here -- https://data.cdc.gov/NCHS/Provisional-COVID-19-Death-Counts-by-Sex-Age-and-S/9bhg-hcku

The data admittedly lags, but 34 and under (I'm assuming your age group) has had a TOTAL of 780 COVID deaths. You AND YOUR KIDS are fine man. Take a breath.

4. I too have a toddler (15 month old), and if this were me, I would go to the wedding, act responsibly, monitor symptoms when I got home, and go from there.

[ReadySetMillionaire]

"My 2 year old got sick and now has a lung condition that will cause long term issues for the rest of their life, and we lost grandma because I brought back COVID, but my buddy's fancy wedding/party was way more important. Sorry kid and grandma!"

Love Frankies Girl's posts in a bunch of other contexts, but this is just a completely irrational way to live life for the foreseeable future -- especially based on the CDC data. For whatever reason, young people are largely spared by the virus. Kids under 14 account for more than 75 million people in this country, and there have been 21 total COVID deaths thus far, the vast majority of which had severe pre-existing conditions. According to the CDC, there have been almost 8x as many pneumonia deaths as COVID deaths for kids under 14.

The headlines about Kawasaki-like illness were alarming, but you don't hear about it anymore. Why? My son just had his 15-month checkup and the pediatrician said that this auto-immune response is extremely rare; and auto-immune responses like this are remarkably random. It is so rare that they are having a difficult time studying it. There just aren't enough cases. But, even with that, almost all of these kids recover.

Again, I say this as the father of a 15 month old -- you can either live in perpetual fear of a virus that is going to be around us for 4 or 5 years, and permanently scar your kid's socialization and development, or you can make adjustments to your life, act responsibly, and get on with life.

[nereo]

Per statements made by my state’s CDC, a core concern of young children is their ability to act as carriers, particularly to grandparents and other older family members.  Apparently there have been a significant percentage of infections traced back to such vectors.

OP isn’t discussing bringing his/her children, and I do not see this as emotionally or developmentally scarring for a newborn or toddler.  It seems a bit extreme to suggest that these measures will last for 4 or 5 years.  I would argue that limiting large gatherings like this is precisely the smart adjustments and responsible actions we all should be taking right now.

[Freedomin5]

OP, your option 3 still doesn’t deal with the fact that you’ll be right in the middle of a large gathering for several days with lots of opportunities to have COVID transmitted to you. Airplanes are not the only place where you can get COVID. The problem is hanging out with a large group of people and talking (spittle) with each other for several days. Also, what if you get COVID and start showing symptoms on your 40 hour drive home?

If it’s any help, here in Shanghai, we have had zero cases in the city for several weeks now, and avoiding large crowds and gatherings is still recommended because of presymptomatic and asymptomatic cases. I would choose number two, especially since the wedding is in one of the metropolises in the US, and my understanding is that the large cities are the ones with the most cases.

Also, for those of you quoting the CDC, this is the same CDC that initially told people NOT to wear masks, cloth or otherwise. I wouldn’t dismiss everything they say, but I would take what they say with a grain of salt and with my critical thinking hat on.

Children might not die from the virus, but they can still be carriers. Does OP really want his wife down with COVID with two little ones at home and him trying to self-quarantine while also going to work? Some people may be willing to risk that for a few days of fun and because “I promised my friend”, but I wouldn’t.

[maisymouser]

OP, your option 3 still doesn’t deal with the fact that you’ll be right in the middle of a large gathering for several days with lots of opportunities to have COVID transmitted to you. Airplanes are not the only place where you can get COVID. The problem is hanging out with a large group of people and talking (spittle) with each other for several days. Also, what if you get COVID and start showing symptoms on your 40 hour drive home?

If it’s any help, here in Shanghai, we have had zero cases in the city for several weeks now, and avoiding large crowds and gatherings is still recommended because of presymptomatic and asymptomatic cases. I would choose number two, especially since the wedding is in one of the metropolises in the US, and my understanding is that the large cities are the ones with the most cases.

Also, for those of you quoting the CDC, this is the same CDC that initially told people NOT to wear masks, cloth or otherwise. I wouldn’t dismiss everything they say, but I would take what they say with a grain of salt and with my critical thinking hat on.

Children might not die from the virus, but they can still be carriers. Does OP really want his wife down with COVID with two little ones at home and him trying to self-quarantine while also going to work? Some people may be willing to risk that for a few days of fun and because “I promised my friend”, but I wouldn’t.

Factchecking here: yeah, they can die. I can post references if need be, but I have to point out that inaccuracy. I know of at least half a dozen minor deaths at this point. It wouldn't be fair to the families of those who have lost kids to COVID.

It's interesting to see the diversity of responses to this post!

[Cassie]

I wouldn’t go because of the large group of people. Your friend should understand.

[calimom]

I wouldn't go.

This. Your health, and  your  family's health, is far more important than a 40 minute wedding ceremony and some bro bonding time.  Your friend  will get  over  it; he'll be disappointed and if he doesn't get it he's not that great of a friend in the first place. 

[charis]

Would your friend really want you to drive 40 hours just to attend his wedding during a pandemic? The question at this point shouldn't be, will my friends be disappointed, it should be, what kind of person expects people to attend their 200 person indoor wedding this summer?

I assure you that many other guests share your concerns and your friends are pretty insensitive if they do nothing to acknowledge those very understandable concerns.

[LifePhaseTwo]

Oh hell no. Your main responsibility is to your family. Your friend will understand, or he’s not a true friend. It’s still early in this pandemic, and the risks are still too high.

[js82]

I'd go with something close to #1:  (I'm assuming you're young/not in an at-risk group)

Fly(if too far to reasonably drive).  Attend all the things a best man usually does.  Quarantine until you're reasonably sure you haven't caught anything.  Wear a mask.

Things that would change my answer:
-If you have a medical condition that puts you at risk, or
-If you have work/other obligations that make a 14-day self-quarantine unrealistic.

[Imma]

I'd go with something close to #1:  (I'm assuming you're young/not in an at-risk group)

Fly(if too far to reasonably drive).  Attend all the things a best man usually does.  Quarantine until you're reasonably sure you haven't caught anything.  Wear a mask.

Things that would change my answer:
-If you have a medical condition that puts you at risk, or
-If you have work/other obligations that make a 14-day self-quarantine unrealistic.

OP is not in a risk group, but newborns are a risk group. So I wouldn't take the risk unless you're willing to quarantaine away from your family after the wedding.

My friend has a newborn and cuddling with a grandparent who did not show classic symptoms left the newborn in hospital. Older kids generally have few symptoms but young babies are vulnerable.

In my friend's case the grandparent only had bowel symptoms and thought they only had food poisoning and didn't mention it to the parents.... Baby is now doing fine but turned blue and needed oxygen.

[use2betrix]

My daily work conditions put me at risk as much as any wedding. I’m not sure I would quit my job if I had a kid/newborn.

I would, however, increase the precautions I take. It’d not be unreasonable to refrain from shaking hands/hugging, wearing masks when appropriate, carry hand sanitizer and use it frequently, and carefully wash everything when you return.

My wife and I are flying to weddings in August and September. We don’t have kids nor are high risk, however.

[FindingFI]

Presumably you are quite close with this friend if you are going to be his best man. Before deciding what to do, you could have this conversation with him instead of us. Explain that you really want to be there, stand up there with him, and honor the commitment you made, but you are also worried about COVID and the health and safety of your family. It's tearing you up trying to decide how to best deal with it.  What are the odds that after having an open discussion like this that he might encourage you to stay home and maybe do your toast at the reception on a big screen via Zoom or something similar? Instead of deciding and telling him, talk to him first and he might make the decision very easy.