Author Topic: Living with parents?  (Read 39365 times)

totoro

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #50 on: April 27, 2013, 01:16:32 AM »
Well people have preferences but I wonder about the nuclear don't get too close fAmily being the best for fi or happiness. I do kind of think we've been sold an individualistic bill of goods that increases consumerism and stigmatizes a potentially caring and supportive option. 

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #51 on: April 27, 2013, 05:47:51 AM »
i guess it would be nice for those interested in it if it were less looked down on but i don't think it should be the norm.
i could live with parents as i freelance but if i didn't and wanted a job that i considered decent, satisfying and above minimum wage then i would have a min 45 min drive commute each way in order to live at home. public transport would be unreliable and take at least 1.5 hours each way.
and that's just the work-related issues, not friends/socialising etc.
sometimes it's just point blank not feasible or sensible, regardless of how much you like your folks.

grantmeaname

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #52 on: April 27, 2013, 07:00:47 AM »
I do kind of think we've been sold an individualistic bill of goods that increases consumerism and stigmatizes a potentially caring and supportive option.
Totoro, why do you see individualism and consumerism as connected? That's a connection I never would have thought of...

happy

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #53 on: April 27, 2013, 07:41:21 AM »
Well I can't answer for Totoro but I do see the Western  attachment to autonomy( most marked in USA) intertwined with consumerism. "Because you're worth it". "Do what you want to do"..are well known advertising jingles in my country for example.  A more family or community based tradition, usually involves some subjugation of individual autonomy for the greater good of the unit (whether it be family or community)... and by its very nature I suspect this puts a brake on consumerism. Individual excess cannot survive  as easily.   Of course this is a generalisation, I'm sure one can think of exceptions.

limeandpepper

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #54 on: April 27, 2013, 07:59:37 AM »
I don't really see individualism as something that necessarily increases consumerism. If anything, a true individual would be less likely to be affected by things like advertising, and less likely to be a sheep or someone who tries to keep up with the Joneses. They would still buy stuff, but it would be stuff they really want.

MooreBonds

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #55 on: April 27, 2013, 08:30:34 AM »
Well I can't answer for Totoro but I do see the Western  attachment to autonomy( most marked in USA) intertwined with consumerism. "Because you're worth it". "Do what you want to do"..are well known advertising jingles in my country for example.  A more family or community based tradition, usually involves some subjugation of individual autonomy for the greater good of the unit (whether it be family or community)... and by its very nature I suspect this puts a brake on consumerism. Individual excess cannot survive  as easily.   Of course this is a generalisation, I'm sure one can think of exceptions.

+1 on the above. IMO, it's also expressed in ways where children just simply want nothing to do with their parents at any age - even when the parents are old and lonely/need companionship. The children simply don't want to sacrifice anything (especially time) to be around their parent, because it's not convenient/fun/what they want to do.

Granted, I know that some parents were pretty horrible when the children were younger...but at the same time, you can't always take the approach of "well, THEY didn't call me or do this for me or ______, so I'M not going to take the first step and do it for them, since they didn't do it first!". 

totoro

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #56 on: April 27, 2013, 09:00:23 AM »
I see them as intertwined because when you don't share resources you need more and you'll have to work more to get more most of the time.  Co-ownership is the biggest example of this - turning a large SFH into a multifamily duplex home is far cheaper than buying two houses. 

I also think it is tied to an overdeveloped sense of self and underdeveloped sense of other and a loss of understanding of the benefits.  Loneliness and detachment from a family group become silenced by the mantra of individual achievement.  Individual achievement does feel good, far better than "dependence", but people throw out interdependence to avoid the dependence and head straight for their own fortresses... and lock the doors. 

Mutual reliance feels really good when it works and it is a skill that needs to be developed and practiced to know this.

IMO greater dependence on your SO for the social/emotional is great if it works but, if this relationship is not great and we know a lot are not - at least half, your kids don't have the extended support network around them, and nor do you.

Now, if you don't have a close family there could be very very good reasons for this, but where possible, the return on the effort to approach things different is likely as high as the return on becoming frugal.

yOyOYoo

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #57 on: April 27, 2013, 11:20:44 AM »
This is a great topic. 

Funny that my wife and I recently invited both sets of our parents to come live with us, so that they may help take care of our future child(ren).  Both sets of parents declined our offers.  They're happy living on their own!

BPA

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #58 on: April 27, 2013, 11:33:40 AM »
I would never have willingly lived with my mother as an adult.  She drives me nuts sometimes.  I do plan to allow my son to live with me into adulthood.  However, I will expect that he contribute toward utilities and pay for his own food. 

mpbaker22

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #59 on: April 27, 2013, 02:53:09 PM »
I value my independence from my parents highly as part of my adulthood -- much more highly than my immediate physical proximity to them. That's not pathological or wasteful. It's a different preference from yours, that's all. I think that either view is reasonable and there is no compelling reason (financial or otherwise) that a boomerang young adulthood should be the default. If you think such a reason exists, maybe sharing it rather than snide comments about F150s would be useful.

Independence is often overvalued and misunderstood.  Let's say your parents lived with you out of necessity, you would be dependent of them, but you would still be living together.  Even if you were dependent on them, what's the problem?  It's just that the culture considers people who live with their parents to be the "gaming in the basement while drinking beer" stereotype.  It is objectively more wasteful to have multiple places of living for the family than for each sub-family to have their own.  From that aspect, it is just like an F150.
  I think it's perfectly reasonable and should be the norm for someone to live with their parents at least until marriage.  And I have made it perfectly clear that my mother is always invited to live with me if she needs to.  There is an exception to every rule, but most people can't fathom living with their parents because they are unwilling, not incapable, of working out differences.

limeandpepper

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #60 on: April 27, 2013, 08:30:38 PM »
I think it's perfectly reasonable and should be the norm for someone to live with their parents at least until marriage.
I have no problem with such a living situation if all parties are happy with it, but in your scenario you are making assumptions about marriage - what if someone doesn't get married until they're quite old, or what if they don't get married at all? And what if the parents would like a bit of time to themselves after raising kids for 20-odd years, especially if it's a small house. It's not just the children who may eventually want to break free - the parents might, too. :)

limeandpepper

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #61 on: April 27, 2013, 09:06:47 PM »
I think if you have healthy relationships and good boundaries/open communication this kind of arrangement can be win-win all around.  Helps if you have a somewhat detached living space, but we have been fine with shared spaces.  Not taking things too seriously or holding grudges is important.  Good financial habits on all sides also helps to mitigate the mooching factor. 

Lhamo, I really enjoyed reading your post, I feel like I can really relate to many of the aspects. Currently, neither my boyfriend and I live anywhere close to our parents, so we can only see them when we take time out for a holiday, or if they come and visit. I like the idea of being neighbours within walking distance of family members.

Zikoris

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #62 on: April 27, 2013, 11:23:50 PM »
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There is an exception to every rule, but most people can't fathom living with their parents because they are unwilling, not incapable, of working out differences.

Sure... but why would this be a bad thing? I could name a dozen friends easily who I get along with and enjoy their company, but there's no way in hell I would want to live with them. A lot of times it's not even an issue of there being anything to work out - a lot of people are just incompatible to live together. I think your living situation is a huge factor in overall happiness - no point living with people you don't enjoy being around.

mpbaker22

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #63 on: April 28, 2013, 08:06:48 AM »
Sure... but why would this be a bad thing? I could name a dozen friends easily who I get along with and enjoy their company, but there's no way in hell I would want to live with them. A lot of times it's not even an issue of there being anything to work out - a lot of people are just incompatible to live together. I think your living situation is a huge factor in overall happiness - no point living with people you don't enjoy being around.

Looking more at the average person - There's a social stigma attached to living with one's parents.  For a person who can barely afford to live on their own, or who goes into debt in order to live on their own, it makes a lot more sense to throw away the credit card and live at home.  That desire is almost entirely a result of the social stigma attached with 'living in the basement.'  I could agree with not living with people you don't enjoy being around, but I also think one ought to work to make living with family an enjoyable situation.  They are after all, your family, and that's not something you can say about your friends.  I do not live with my family, but if we were closer geographically, I would consider them before my friends for roommates.  This should be especially true for people who grew up with their own bedrooms in that there is typically an empty space left in the house.

grantmeaname

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #64 on: April 28, 2013, 09:27:42 AM »
That desire is almost entirely a result of the social stigma attached with 'living in the basement.'
No, it's not, you're just discarding all the other reasons someone could want to live anywhere but with your parents, and you're doing it in an arbitrary way at that -- why do the rules instantly change if you're married, for example?

Zikoris

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #65 on: April 28, 2013, 09:46:15 AM »
Quote
I could agree with not living with people you don't enjoy being around, but I also think one ought to work to make living with family an enjoyable situation.

I'm not sure this is even possible - if you don't enjoy living with someone, how exactly would you make it enjoyable? The most you could reach would be tolerance, which is all well and good, but still inferior to living with people you enjoy being around.

Privacy is also an issue when living with other people, be it roommates or family - some people care about it less than others, but I for one enjoy being able to walk around naked or make out with my boyfriend in the kitchen. I'm not sure how you would have any semblance of privacy living with parents unless you had, say, a separate basement suite or laneway house or something.

believer

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #66 on: April 28, 2013, 10:16:12 AM »
Privacy is an issue I suppose but, for me, I can maintain enough privacy by having a bedroom.   If you have children, which I presume you do not, you are probably not going to be walking around naked and making out in the kitchen anyway. 

Life changes over time.  Privacy is one value.  I enjoy have kids and grandparents and uncles and aunts coming and going way more than the freedom to walk around naked.

Probably this is partly an age and stage of life thing, but I would strongly suspect that it is cultural. 

Our culture has movies mostly based on "love stories" that glamorize this self-oriented stage of life to the exclusion of all others.  Life is more than falling in love with one person. 

Falling in love is a very strong emotion, but the real magic and meaning is what happens in the long-term throughout your family/friend system imo.  My ideal is what lhamo has described - separate units but next door or across the street. 

We lived with my grandparents for a year when I was a kid and this time period has a lot of happy memories.   I'm hoping to give my kids some of the same.






grantmeaname

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #67 on: April 28, 2013, 10:29:14 AM »
It's so interesting to me that half the people in the thread are arguing "here's my preferences, but different people want different things and that's fine" and the other half are arguing "here's my preferences, and they're right for everyone".

totoro

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #68 on: April 28, 2013, 11:46:19 AM »
I think it is more nuanced than that.  I think some people have a strong preference one way or the other.  The ones in favour of the extended family group also recognize that they are battling the cultural norm - particularly if they are living with their parents. 

FI and frugality also battle cultural norms and it is good to examine how much of the things you value are really bringing you more happiness instead of supposed to be bringing you more happiness but not working very well or as well as could be.

StarswirlTheMustached

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #69 on: April 29, 2013, 09:23:35 AM »
It's so interesting to me that half the people in the thread are arguing "here's my preferences, but different people want different things and that's fine" and the other half are arguing "here's my preferences, and they're right for everyone".
What I find most interesting is that most opinions seem to be based on the personal -- it's a good idea if you get on well enough with your parents, and a bad idea if you don't. I've yet to see one poster declare that it is in general a superior way of life, but not for them, personally, because their parents are assholes. (or vise versa).

CryingInThePool

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #70 on: April 29, 2013, 10:10:54 AM »
I can and do live with my parents.  After thinking about it for a while when I first found Jacob&ERE (and after waiting to see if my down on their luck sibling would take advantage of parents remodeling the backyard ADU) I took the plunge and moved ‘home’.

I probably wouldn’t have done it in my 20s; it would have felt confining and not private -- too soon after leaving.  Now in my late 30s (SINK) with a 6 figure salary I only regret that I didn’t do it sooner.  It was super easy to explain to those that questioned it that I was moving home so I could buy my 40s.  Not having a mortgage obviously brings huge momentum to your FI journey and the simple wins of not having a cable bill, shared wifi and meals, etc are great motivators.  Add in the simplicity from downsizing to a <500 sqft ADU and living with my parents is easily the best FI decision I’ve made.   

I also plan to travel after FI in the next few years and having a home base makes long trips logistically simple. 

limeandpepper

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #71 on: April 29, 2013, 10:25:10 AM »
I also plan to travel after FI in the next few years and having a home base makes long trips logistically simple.

This is a factor for us, as well - I'm considering a sabbatical, and we're also thinking about doing lots of travel. Thanks for sharing your story!

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #72 on: April 29, 2013, 01:26:33 PM »
I am in my mid 20s and happily live with my parents. I could easily afford not to, but the $1000+ month in rent is not worth taking maybe 15 minutes off my 45 minute commute.

Early on, I explained my goals for financial independence. As ever, they were happy to support them.

I find it easy to live with them. They just like having me around, something to do with being proud of me I suspect. Or maybe they are just marveling at how normal I turned out after having been such a hell-child from the womb until the day they dropped me off at college.

However, I will also do a few things around the house, spread mulch, paint a few things, practice my guitar in the background, wash the deck, pick up/drop them off at the airport, help with complicated computer problems etc. I just helped dear mom stuff a few hundred envelopes the other night.

People would probably mock me if I told them I live with my parents, which is why I always tell people I live in a cardboard box, the reaction is much more bearable.

Sometimes it is easier than others. Depends on the financial situation and personality of those involved.

acanthurus

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #73 on: April 29, 2013, 01:41:57 PM »
Quote
People would probably mock me if I told them I live with my parents, which is why I always tell people I live in a cardboard box, the reaction is much more bearable.
I do the same, I'm only really open with very close friends about it who know what I'm doing in terms of trying to save. Everyone else (coworkers etc) thinks I live in the old apartment I left two years ago. It's not worth the hassle of trying to explain it to people or the judgment that follows.


I Love Cake

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #74 on: April 29, 2013, 01:57:45 PM »
I'm early 30s, will have ~105k on my W2 this year, am just shy of 550k in liquid net worth, and live in a low cost of living state. After years of renting luxury apartments I chose to move back in with my parents two years ago.

It's been great. I work 60 hour weeks including commute. My folks are already kind of loaded, and would never accept rent from me even if I tried to pay them. They have a pretty big house, so I have my own bedroom, office, and bathroom on the back end of the house. Mom does laundry every week, Dad walks my dog every day, and I do lots of chores for them on the weekends that they couldn't do for themselves. It's extremely mutually beneficial, and I've gotten to know my parents better than I ever could have expected.

I've taken amazing amounts of shit from people on the internet when I write that I'm over 30 and live with my folks rent free, even on personal finance forums where you would think people would be in favor of smart living situations. I've been called everything from a moocher to a loser to leading a 'sick life'. To say there is negative stigma about living with your parents is a ridiculous understatement. The OP even betrays a little of this stigma in his opening line about "adult children" living with their parents. I'm no child. I design weapon systems for the military for a private contracting firm. I design electronics for commercial satellites that SpaceX puts into orbit (or at least the ones they try to :) Better luck next time Orbcom). I very much consider myself an adult who lives with my parents (and not an "adult child").

For all the negative stigma though, the girl I've been dating doesn't seem to give a shit. She's a Central American immigrant with strong views on family who also lives with relatives (she's late 30s). I think people from traditionally poorer countries probably have had to rely on family more, and understand all the positive things besides money that come from it. 

I also think Americans and a lot of Western Civilization has been sold a line about being 'independent'. We move away from home to go to college, then we get a job in the big city maybe without any family or friends in the area, then we get married to someone who we may have only known for a few years, then buy big oversized houses to start our own families in. We're wealthy enough we can afford all of this, while at the same time problems like social isolation and depression and debt and divorce and are being created by or added to because of it (IMO). I think the true price of being "independent" is much higher than the monetary cost.

Now, that doesn't mean you shouldn't be able to be independent. With my income and my 80+% percent savings rate, I'm very clearly capable of being extremely independent. If you are only living with your folks because you're broke or because you could save more, maybe you are focusing on the least important aspect of the arrangement. My father could be dead in a few years, and I know one of his biggest regrets was not getting to know his father before he died. I'm not going to have that regret. And frankly, until I have a stable long term relationship or a wife with whom I want to start a family, I see little reason to throw away the perfectly good family I have.

Finally, I tend to find the people most critical of me living with my folks have negligible assets compared to mine. Sure, they're 'making it on their own', but that's not what humans need. We need people and family before we need money. The fact we can have both before starting families of our own is a fantastic arrangement that people would be foolish not to consider.

I honestly think this would be a good topic for MMM to address in blog entry. It comes up frequently on PF forums, and I don't think nearly enough critical thought is applied to all of the benefits that all parties can derive from such arrangements, well beyond the monetary aspects. We need to look at our need for 'independence' as something that may possibly have been sold to us by advertisers wanting to sell additional homes and white goods to fill them, additional cars that may not be needed in a communal living arrangement, additional health care costs that could be partially avoided with adults looking after their parents in their later years.

More than that though, it's cost of not having as close a relationship with your parents as you could before they are gone.

But that's just my .02.

Sounds like a wonderful living arrangement and one that benefits all parties. I'd have no problem with my two boys doing this when they reach adulthood (they're only 7 and 8 right now so, of course, still live with us!)

I lived with my parents on and off from 18-32. Some years I was in another province. Other years living with an old boyfriend. But it was great. I saved enough to put a substantial down payment on a condo when I was 32. I am a first generation Canadian so I think that has something to do with it.

Hell, I'd move back now!! : )

Sparky

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #75 on: April 30, 2013, 08:39:50 PM »
I honestly see nothing wrong with living with your parents, I personally sort of do it now.... I lived with my parents until I was 23 (total of a year on/off in tech school in there too) then basically came back when I was 27 (28 now). I 'live' with my parents now, but I only actually go there about once ever 2 or 3 months; I work away from 'home'. Its been pointless and huge waste of money to get my own place to live as I am home a max of about 6 days a month.

Basically, just a mailing address.

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #76 on: May 08, 2013, 12:04:09 PM »
I could never do it...I left at 21, did a brief stint at 23, and left as soon as I could.  I am 38 now and the thought of moving in with them gives me hives!  It is not because I have not tried to improve the overall relationships with my mom and dad...they refuse to acknowledge that they have any part in the dysfunction they have both created.  This would definitely work if the family all got along.
For me, I would rather stick toothpicks in my eyes than ever move back in with them!

acroy

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #77 on: May 08, 2013, 02:51:25 PM »
If it's of everyone's free will, and everyone pitches in to the housing expenses & upkeep, sure why not.

If Sponge-ing is going on, not acceptable!

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #78 on: May 08, 2013, 09:51:48 PM »
You will not learn how to raise your family on your own if you decided to live with your boyfriends' parents. I tell you, it is really different if you are living on your own. In addition, it will make you a better person and parents in return.

totoro

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #79 on: May 09, 2013, 12:21:50 AM »
You will not learn how to raise your family on your own if you decided to live with your boyfriends' parents. I tell you, it is really different if you are living on your own. In addition, it will make you a better person and parents in return.

Hogwash.  Might be the case for you but it is definitely not the case for everyone.  If you are fortunate to have good relationships with your parents/in-laws and it works then your family can really benefit by having the mutual aide.  You've drawn a box that is pretty limiting - time to question your beliefs a bit.

limeandpepper

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #80 on: May 09, 2013, 07:47:15 AM »
You will not learn how to raise your family on your own if you decided to live with your boyfriends' parents. I tell you, it is really different if you are living on your own. In addition, it will make you a better person and parents in return.

You seem to be making a few assumptions. I already know what it's like to live on my own (I currently rent, and live in a different country than my parents), and additionally, I am not necessarily that interested in raising a family. But even if I am, I know people from my home country where many generations live under one roof and the whole extended family raise the kids, and take care of the elderly, as a collaborative effort. I realise this is unconventional for modern Western families and I'm not saying that this will work for everyone, but I think you're knocking something based on your own prejudices. I don't think your living arrangements really need to have anything to do with making you a "better person" at all, that's a strange thing to say.

mpbaker22

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #81 on: May 09, 2013, 08:07:36 AM »
You will not learn how to raise your family on your own if you decided to live with your boyfriends' parents. I tell you, it is really different if you are living on your own. In addition, it will make you a better person and parents in return.

Or perhaps living with relatives and working on having good relationships with people you sometimes have problems with will make you a better person in society.  Actually, living with your family before marriage, and making a conscious effort to alleviate the issues that come up, will probably be far better in making you a better person and parent than living on your own.

limeandpepper

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #82 on: May 09, 2013, 08:11:51 AM »
Actually, living with your family before marriage, and making a conscious effort to alleviate the issues that come up, will probably be far better in making you a better person and parent than living on your own.

Sorry, I disagree with this as well. Sometimes being a better person can mean walking away from situations when it is the best outcome for all people involved.

I prefer to evaluate this "better person" thing on a case-by-case basis instead of basing it on one arbitrary thing of whether someone lives by themselves or with parents.

jdoolin

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #83 on: May 09, 2013, 08:15:23 AM »
My wife, three year old daughter and myself currently live with my wife's parents.

We had been living my the house my parents used to live in.  The idea was that we would eventually take over the mortgage, but in our haste to move out of an apartment and into a house, we didn't realize the mortgage was upside down.  But we really didn't see a way out.

Last July 5, I started reading MMM and realized why we were in such poor financial shape (within about two hours of reading posts).  I saw it all.  The long commutes, the high utilities, dining out too much and all the rest.  The location was killing us, and it was punching me in the face.  We knew that we HAD to get closer to work, however we weren't prepared to buy a house as we had debt to pay off, nor was renting an option.

In late July, my wife and I were in the garage painting some Adirondack chairs she and her dad had made (awesome) and she said something that stunned me:  "What if we moved in with my parents?"  It stunned me mostly because I never expected the idea to come from her.  I had very briefly entertained the thought myself, but dismissed it as a possibility.  But apparently during my time of unemployment, they had made that very offer to my wife shortly before I did get another job.

Well, we discussed it and I loved the idea.  We talked to them and they were totally supportive and fine with it.  They wanted to see us out of that house all along, understood our motives and agreed.  We made a "no more than 2 year" plan.  However long it would take to pay off the debts then save for a 20% downpayment on a home.

We moved in August 12.  Consider that for a moment.  MMM had such an impact on us that we were MOVED in just over one month from the day I read his first article.

We don't have separate living spaces, so we have definitely sacrificed privacy.  They are very, VERY picky eaters, so we have sacrificed a lot of our normal diet (though sometimes we tell them they're on their own and make our vegetable curry, dammit).  My MiL is a bit of a neat freak, so that gets a little irritating.

But other than those few gripes, things have been very good.  It turns out that our presence in their home has helped them get through a few very difficult times, and they have been kind enough to care for our daughter a few days per week.  My daughter loves that, of course.  We do pay them "rent", but it's not much.  We share chores, split groceries and my wife and I *definitely* do most of the cooking (which we love).  Things have gone very well, though we're definitely looking forward to being in our own place again.  The completely mismatched diets drives us nuts, not to mention that lack of privacy.  OH, and they also have the TV on ALL. DAY.  I don't even watch it, but sometimes I have to go out for a bike ride just to get away from the sound of that damnable TV.  UGH.

The great news is that our debt was paid off in March and we're now in hardcore savings mode for the downpayment on the mortgage.  We should have that by September, so we're perhaps looking at a move in the Fall.

We estimate that it will have saved us somewhere around $20k living there.

Now here's the great news.  Even with a mortgage and utilities, because of other expenses we've cut and other items we will no longer be paying for, or paying as much (child care, for example), our expenses will still be about the same by the time we move.  I KNOW we'll also save on groceries too.

Overall it has been a good experience.  I'm glad we did it and not just for the financial reasons, even though those were huge.  But I'm also glad we'll be done soon.  :-)

limeandpepper

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #84 on: May 09, 2013, 08:50:12 AM »
jdoolin, thanks for sharing your story!  It certainly sounds like it was a fantastic choice for you. I have to admit that potentially differing food preferences and perspectives of cleanliness/tidiness do worry me, though, haha. I quite like doing my own thing when it comes to buying groceries and preparing food, so hopefully this is something I can navigate/negotiate satisfactorily.

mpbaker22

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #85 on: May 09, 2013, 10:01:54 AM »
Actually, living with your family before marriage, and making a conscious effort to alleviate the issues that come up, will probably be far better in making you a better person and parent than living on your own.
I prefer to evaluate this "better person" thing on a case-by-case basis instead of basing it on one arbitrary thing of whether someone lives by themselves or with parents.

Except living by oneself reduces the need to actually change behavior based on whether others might like it.  Whereas living with others forces one to sometimes make sacrifices for others - what a novel idea that is lost in our culture!

TansyPants

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #86 on: May 09, 2013, 11:36:15 AM »
I left home at 17 and moved to the opposite side of the planet. Perhaps because of that my parents and I have a great relationship, are currently living on the same continent again (for some time we have been spread out around the world a year or so ago I was in New Zealand, my mother was in New Jersey, USA, my father was in the UK, my sister was in Germany and my brothers were in Holland and the far end of New Zealand.) and get along very well. We're actually planning to buy property together some time in the future, probably in NZ, so we can each have houses close to one another and help with vege gardens/animals/grand kids/aging in place.

Since moving out I've spent periods as long as four months living back home with them and it's been fine, but I would much rather a situation where we each had our own space (a granny flat/duplex/separate house) close enough to share dinner most nights and where we can watch each others pets while we're on holiday.

I also spent a short amount of time living in the basement of my then boyfriends father and step mother. It was useful at the time, as we'd just moved to a new town and were still sorting out living spaces and employment, but I would not have chosen to stay there had there been another option. Friction between the boy and his father was not pleasant, and while we had our own bedroom and bathroom we shared a kitchen and living space with them. We would have been much happier living with the boyfriends mother (only a mile or so away) and for some time building a small house on her property in order to help with the pigs/sheep/cows/chickens/deer/dogs/cats/horses and fish was a serious consideration. 

So I guess it really does depend on the people and the spaces involved, and it is definitely more than a financial arrangement.

My perfect existence would involve a large property with multiple small houses for myself, my parents, my brother and his wife and three kids, my sister and even various close friends... Comune much?

My boyfriend, on the other hand, wants to live on either a space craft or another planet and can't stay with his mother any longer than a week before they start arguing. Not entirely sure how that one's gonna work out...

limeandpepper

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #87 on: May 09, 2013, 08:27:36 PM »
Actually, living with your family before marriage, and making a conscious effort to alleviate the issues that come up, will probably be far better in making you a better person and parent than living on your own.
I prefer to evaluate this "better person" thing on a case-by-case basis instead of basing it on one arbitrary thing of whether someone lives by themselves or with parents.
Except living by oneself reduces the need to actually change behavior based on whether others might like it.  Whereas living with others forces one to sometimes make sacrifices for others - what a novel idea that is lost in our culture!
Not really a novel idea. Nor noble. Sacrifice for sacrifice's sake isn't that noble. Or sacrificing because you want to save on rent. That's not noble either. If you're living with family because you want to take care of an infirm person, then yes, that is admirable. Living with others? Many of us already do that - sharehousing. And yes, there is compromise involved in that, since I don't have the place to myself. I'm not necessarily convinced it makes me a better person.

limeandpepper

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #88 on: May 09, 2013, 08:31:58 PM »
Thanks for sharing your story, Tansy. I, too, moved to a different country at a relatively young age, and I think that can sometimes help relationships, indeed! I appreciate my parents more as a result, I feel.

We're actually planning to buy property together some time in the future, probably in NZ, so we can each have houses close to one another and help with vege gardens/animals/grand kids/aging in place.

This sounds pretty good!

TansyPants

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #89 on: May 09, 2013, 08:37:41 PM »
It's true, once you've been away for a while you start to really appreciate what they mean to you! It's wonderful now to live close enough to see them every week or so, instead of every year or three.

nktokyo

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #90 on: May 09, 2013, 08:42:49 PM »
A lot of the feedback on here is really of the "I don't want to live with my parents so neither should you" variety.

Just do what you guys want to do. If you don't like it then move back out.

limeandpepper

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #91 on: May 09, 2013, 09:04:30 PM »
A lot of the feedback on here is really of the "I don't want to live with my parents so neither should you" variety.

Just do what you guys want to do. If you don't like it then move back out.

And I see the reverse as well.

Don't worry, I'm not letting anyone dictate what is best for me. :)  I will be making my decision based on the circumstances - actually, I'm pretty agnostic about the whole thing as you can probably tell. I think I wouldn't mind trying it out, my boyfriend seems to be leaning towards the idea and I'm warming towards it, so I'm happy to go along for the ride. We can always re-assess again later, if need be, as you say.

This thread is just more for general discussion as I'm curious as to how other people think and whether it's worked for them. There has been some interesting perspectives and great stories!

leaderscorp

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #92 on: May 10, 2013, 09:16:23 PM »
I am not saying that living on the same roof with your parents is not good. There are positive and negative issues with it. The positive one is that you will have somebody to look out for your kids and the house if both of you are working. The negative issue is that you cannot to decide freely for your family.

killingxspree

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #93 on: May 11, 2013, 10:56:09 PM »
I moved out at 15. I have some serious reservations and issues with my parents! I would never ever move in with them. I have been semi-homeless before rather then live with them. (unfortunately the same cannot be said for them. They "moved" (read snuck in) with us a week ago with their 3 kids. In this time I have at least managed to kick our my boorish father. So its a little less chaotic).
I'm so jealous of people with a good relationship with their parents who are willing to have them. I wish that I had that. You are so so so lucky.
On the other hand if I had kids I feel like I would be the crazy parent that wants them to stay forever. I think its because I never felt like I had the choice.

totoro

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #94 on: May 12, 2013, 12:43:24 AM »
Good thing you have the chance to make life as you want  it to be:)  Imagine if you lived somewhere without this option!

You sound like you have a lot of motivation to do things differently and motivation is the path to actualization.   

Wouldn't their three kids be your siblings?

killingxspree

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #95 on: May 13, 2013, 04:37:33 AM »
Oh no I'd rather not...! Too depressing. =(
Yes the 3 kids are my siblings. To give you an example of what I meant (serious reservations), right now the kids are watching postal clips on yt. They are between the ages of 4-6. Their mum is on the couch and not even batting an eyelid. I like video games too (can you tell? =P) but they are repeating some choice swear words at school/kinder and their mum wonders why. lol.

limeandpepper

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #96 on: May 28, 2013, 08:04:15 AM »
I just found this article. Don't necessarily agree with most of it, but interesting nevertheless.

http://www.theage.com.au/lifestyle/no-place-like--mum-and-dads-20120903-2593m.html

killingxspree

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #97 on: May 28, 2013, 11:04:31 AM »
Gemma King sounds too immature to be 34.

Quote:
Before talking to Good Weekend, Gemma King, 34, requested that there be no sex-related questions now that she has moved back in with her mother.
"What about romance?"
King makes a face. "I told you not to ask icky questions!"
"You said sexual."
"I said 'icky', and 'icky' [covers] a broad group of gross stuff."

Uh huh... How enlightening.

Also...
Quote:
However, when asked whether she would date a man who was still living at home, Ormonde pauses and thinks hard. "I would like to think I'd be better than that, [given] I'm banging on about all of this.

Good screening mechanism... for the guys I mean.

limeandpepper

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #98 on: May 28, 2013, 08:06:09 PM »
Yeah, Gemma sounds like she's attempting to be "cute" and "quirky", and failing quite spectacularly.

StarswirlTheMustached

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Re: Living with parents?
« Reply #99 on: May 29, 2013, 02:23:05 PM »
It should be the default unless some circumstance prevents it.
I don't think so. It depends on the norms of the society you live in, your relationship with your parents, whether you finish school with a partner, your maturity as a human being, and half a dozen other factors. While it's certainly not for me, I'm not going to say it's not a good idea for anyone. But I am equally hesitant to say it should be the default.

It doesn't matter what the default is, does it? Aren't we all here because we're smart enough and introspective to examine our circumstances and optimize for ourselves past that? Moving out can be the default; living at home can be the default. Who cares what the default is? The fact is that the default in our society is nothing you can actually afford-- the McMansion, the truck, and the commute. We ought to be past defaults, here.