LGBT surrogacy

[Mr Dorothy Dollar]

My husband and I are starting to sort out the process of having our first test tube baby. We have an egg donor which is a friend of mine from college. We thought was had a surrogate lined up, unfortunately her latest pregnancy (caring her own child) was not successful to the point we believe she will not be a viable surrogate.

- What service exist for finding a surrogate LGBT friendly in the Midwest?
- I have heard of international surrogates which are cheaper, any experience?

We would like to keep it in the Midwest, however some states surrogacy is illegal. Including my home state of MI. Egg donor is in Indy.

[iknowiyam]

Genuinely, I wish you good luck.
If you don't mind my asking, were you going to pay the surrogate mother or was this a friendship thing?

For anyone who is not aware of different family types and the challenges, I recommend the film Daddy & Papa: http://www.daddyandpapa.com/

[Mr Dorothy Dollar]

Genuinely, I wish you good luck.
If you don't mind my asking, were you going to pay the surrogate mother or was this a friendship thing?

For anyone who is not aware of different family types and the challenges, I recommend the film Daddy & Papa: http://www.daddyandpapa.com/

Our surrogate was going to be a cousin of my husband. We were just to pay for the medical care associated with the pregnancy.

[Philbert]

I would Google around for midwest surrogacy organizations. I feel like there has to be one here in Chicago, at least. Whatever you do, I would also recommend hiring a lawyer because of the tricky legalities involved. Keep us updated! I'm excited to find out how this goes.

My partner (or soon-to-be husband. Thanks IL!) and I want to have kids in the future, but we've heard the cost of surrogacy can be over $100k (that includes egg donor, body, insurance, etc). Have you heard similar? We figure between that and buying a house, those will be the 2 major purchases of our lives.

[matchewed]

There might be forums that are centered around LGBT parenting or even more specific to surrogacy where you might get better sources of information. :) GL

[G-dog]

Good luck. Two different women at my work have been surrogates for gay couples. I am not sure how they connected with the parents-to-be, I will see if I can find out. We are also in the Midwest.

[LennStar]

It is your decision but I would not want to use people I know as surrogates. Carrying a baby is a very strong bond and severing that can be painful for all, especially if you meet each other on a regular basis after that.
Of course that only is when you dont want to include the surrogate as some sort of close family. If you do want to do it, its probably easier (like mum, dad, papa).

Just my 2 cents. Hope you find a good solution.

[Sibley]

Curious. Why have you chosen the surrogacy route rather than adoption? (if it's not too personal).

[Daleth]

My husband and I are starting to sort out the process of having our first test tube baby. We have an egg donor which is a friend of mine from college. We thought was had a surrogate lined up, unfortunately her latest pregnancy (caring her own child) was not successful to the point we believe she will not be a viable surrogate.

- What service exist for finding a surrogate LGBT friendly in the Midwest?
- I have heard of international surrogates which are cheaper, any experience?

We would like to keep it in the Midwest, however some states surrogacy is illegal. Including my home state of MI. Egg donor is in Indy.

What is your budget? The safest way to do surrogacy is through a reputable agency, because they screen the surrogates well and have legal advice supporting everything they do--so for instance, they know the laws in each state and have contracts and procedures in place that are appropriate for each state, they can advise you which state to choose in your particular case (for instance, some states where surrogacy is legal don't allow it or have unclear laws when the parents are gay; other states are smooth sailing for both surrogacy and gay couples).

This is a well regarded one in the midwest (Wisconsin): http://www.surrogacycenter.com/

Going through an agency is NOT cheap. Then again, I'm guessing that you're already saving a ton of money by using a known egg donor. (BTW, how old is she and has she been given the all-clear to donate by a good fertility doctor?).

What IVF clinic are you planning on using? The best one in the midwest ("best" in terms of its phenomenal success rates, i.e., how many cycles result in live births) is AFCC outside Chicago, though I don't know offhand whether they work with surrogates: http://www.advancedfertility.com/ivf.htm

[OSUBearCub]

Mazel Tov!  I wish you both the best of luck!  :-)

[beaster]

It sounds crazy but I have a friend that donated her eggs to a couple that used a surrogate from india-twice! Worked for them but not for faint of heart. Everyone had to go to India to make it happen. At first I thought it sounded horribly exploitive but it also helped a family in India.

[bogart]

How exciting!  Good luck to you.

Given that you'll be working with a fertility clinic, you may want to ask for their input/advice; my sense is that some clinics only work with some agencies and/or have other rules that might kick in, so it may be easier to make sure all the different parts of the services you'll need will fit together up front, rather than find yourself needing to rethink parts of them or retrofit.  And as noted, it may be that there are (IRL or online) LGBT resources that will help you identify good "fits." 

[Daleth]

It sounds crazy but I have a friend that donated her eggs to a couple that used a surrogate from india-twice! Worked for them but not for faint of heart. Everyone had to go to India to make it happen. At first I thought it sounded horribly exploitive but it also helped a family in India.

International surrogacy is kind of delicate ground to walk on, legally speaking. It is a complete pain just getting the passport for the kid to come back to the US, and that's for married straight couples... I'm not even sure Indian clinics are legally allowed (under Indian law) to work with gay couples, unfortunately.

[beaster]

It sounds crazy but I have a friend that donated her eggs to a couple that used a surrogate from india-twice! Worked for them but not for faint of heart. Everyone had to go to India to make it happen. At first I thought it sounded horribly exploitive but it also helped a family in India.

International surrogacy is kind of delicate ground to walk on, legally speaking. It is a complete pain just getting the passport for the kid to come back to the US, and that's for married straight couples... I'm not even sure Indian clinics are legally allowed (under Indian law) to work with gay couples, unfortunately.

Agree - is lots that could go wrong but unfortunately in many places in US similar problems could arise. My friend the egg donor, and the couple are all gay but had to keep it on the down low.

[WolfpackFan]

There might be forums that are centered around LGBT parenting or even more specific to surrogacy where you might get better sources of information. :) GL

+1

[meadow lark]

Good luck!

[Silverwood]

There was a documentary  I watched that had the guy use a surrogate  from India.  I think they mentioned that the laws were changing after that and it was all very hush hush. The women got paid and it helped her entire family but I guess that wasn't legal.

I've also heard over $100 000 and it can be a long process. I was using the single mothers by choice forum.  It's not open to the public but you might be able to contact the person  in charge there and ask for advice.   I know there were a few people who listed which ones were good and and how long it took.

The only other thing I had heard that I thought was interesting, is to be a surrogate  you have to have already given birth and you can't be over 35.

[Daleth]

The only other thing I had heard that I thought was interesting, is to be a surrogate  you have to have already given birth and you can't be over 35.

Makes perfect sense. You have to have already given birth, for two reasons: (1) if you had a difficult pregnancy or difficult birth, it rules you out as a surrogate, whereas having an uncomplicated pregnancy and birth means you can be a surrogate (nobody wants the surrogate or the baby to run any unnecessary risks); and (2) you have to know what birth is like, what it's like to have a baby, so you have some clue of what you're agreeing to do by being a surrogate. And you have to be 35 or under for the same reason as (1)--because pregnancy at later ages is higher risk.

[mm1970]

The only other thing I had heard that I thought was interesting, is to be a surrogate  you have to have already given birth and you can't be over 35.

Makes perfect sense. You have to have already given birth, for two reasons: (1) if you had a difficult pregnancy or difficult birth, it rules you out as a surrogate, whereas having an uncomplicated pregnancy and birth means you can be a surrogate (nobody wants the surrogate or the baby to run any unnecessary risks); and (2) you have to know what birth is like, what it's like to have a baby, so you have some clue of what you're agreeing to do by being a surrogate. And you have to be 35 or under for the same reason as (1)--because pregnancy at later ages is higher risk.

I'm not sure that's true. 

Anyway, my neighbors up the street (male couple) have 2 yo twins from a surrogate, but the babies were born really early.  They are a little behind age wise, but not too bad.  (3 mo early)

I have a friend who had twins a year ago for a gay male couple in another country.  She already has children.  She was 38 or 39 when she had the babies.

[Daleth]

The only other thing I had heard that I thought was interesting, is to be a surrogate  you have to have already given birth and you can't be over 35.

Makes perfect sense. You have to have already given birth, for two reasons: (1) if you had a difficult pregnancy or difficult birth, it rules you out as a surrogate, whereas having an uncomplicated pregnancy and birth means you can be a surrogate (nobody wants the surrogate or the baby to run any unnecessary risks); and (2) you have to know what birth is like, what it's like to have a baby, so you have some clue of what you're agreeing to do by being a surrogate. And you have to be 35 or under for the same reason as (1)--because pregnancy at later ages is higher risk.

I'm not sure that's true. 

What are you not sure is true?

[leighb]

Radio Lab just did a great podcast part of if focused on surrogacy. I highly recommend it.

http://www.radiolab.org/story/birthstory/

[abhe8]

The only other thing I had heard that I thought was interesting, is to be a surrogate  you have to have already given birth and you can't be over 35.

Makes perfect sense. You have to have already given birth, for two reasons: (1) if you had a difficult pregnancy or difficult birth, it rules you out as a surrogate, whereas having an uncomplicated pregnancy and birth means you can be a surrogate (nobody wants the surrogate or the baby to run any unnecessary risks); and (2) you have to know what birth is like, what it's like to have a baby, so you have some clue of what you're agreeing to do by being a surrogate. And you have to be 35 or under for the same reason as (1)--because pregnancy at later ages is higher risk.

I'm not sure that's true. 

What are you not sure is true?

the studies giving risk above age 35 were looking at downs syndrome, which is due to age of the egg donor, not the age of the surrogate. (and of course the studies were on women carrying their own babies, not surrogacy at all.) while it would make sense that all pregnancy risks are increased with increasing age, there is not medical evidence to support this.

[Daleth]

The only other thing I had heard that I thought was interesting, is to be a surrogate  you have to have already given birth and you can't be over 35.

Makes perfect sense. You have to have already given birth, for two reasons: (1) if you had a difficult pregnancy or difficult birth, it rules you out as a surrogate, whereas having an uncomplicated pregnancy and birth means you can be a surrogate (nobody wants the surrogate or the baby to run any unnecessary risks); and (2) you have to know what birth is like, what it's like to have a baby, so you have some clue of what you're agreeing to do by being a surrogate. And you have to be 35 or under for the same reason as (1)--because pregnancy at later ages is higher risk.

I'm not sure that's true. 

What are you not sure is true?

the studies giving risk above age 35 were looking at downs syndrome, which is due to age of the egg donor, not the age of the surrogate. (and of course the studies were on women carrying their own babies, not surrogacy at all.) while it would make sense that all pregnancy risks are increased with increasing age, there is not medical evidence to support this.

No one is saying ALL risks go up over age 35. However, several risks do--for instance, the risk of preeclampsia (the #1 killer of pregnant women in the developed world), gestational hypertension, and gestational diabetes.

[coffeelover]

Wow coincidences are so weird.

I haven't logged into this site in months. Then I finally do log in and the first post I see is a  post about surrogacy.

 I have seriously considered doing this for years. I was deemed not able to because I live in a state that does not allow it, MI.

So hi there, good luck to you and hope that you find your surrogate. It could maybe even be me... haha.

edit: formatting. I typed to fast.

[mm1970]

The only other thing I had heard that I thought was interesting, is to be a surrogate  you have to have already given birth and you can't be over 35.

Makes perfect sense. You have to have already given birth, for two reasons: (1) if you had a difficult pregnancy or difficult birth, it rules you out as a surrogate, whereas having an uncomplicated pregnancy and birth means you can be a surrogate (nobody wants the surrogate or the baby to run any unnecessary risks); and (2) you have to know what birth is like, what it's like to have a baby, so you have some clue of what you're agreeing to do by being a surrogate. And you have to be 35 or under for the same reason as (1)--because pregnancy at later ages is higher risk.

I'm not sure that's true. 

What are you not sure is true?

The age limit.  My friend was a surrogate at age 38 or 39.

[La Bibliotecaria Feroz]

The only other thing I had heard that I thought was interesting, is to be a surrogate  you have to have already given birth and you can't be over 35.

Makes perfect sense. You have to have already given birth, for two reasons: (1) if you had a difficult pregnancy or difficult birth, it rules you out as a surrogate, whereas having an uncomplicated pregnancy and birth means you can be a surrogate (nobody wants the surrogate or the baby to run any unnecessary risks); and (2) you have to know what birth is like, what it's like to have a baby, so you have some clue of what you're agreeing to do by being a surrogate. And you have to be 35 or under for the same reason as (1)--because pregnancy at later ages is higher risk.

I'm not sure that's true. 

What are you not sure is true?

the studies giving risk above age 35 were looking at downs syndrome, which is due to age of the egg donor, not the age of the surrogate. (and of course the studies were on women carrying their own babies, not surrogacy at all.) while it would make sense that all pregnancy risks are increased with increasing age, there is not medical evidence to support this.

No one is saying ALL risks go up over age 35. However, several risks do--for instance, the risk of preeclampsia (the #1 killer of pregnant women in the developed world), gestational hypertension, and gestational diabetes.

I've heard of exceptions (to both rules) being made for family members.

[Daleth]

The only other thing I had heard that I thought was interesting, is to be a surrogate  you have to have already given birth and you can't be over 35.

Makes perfect sense. You have to have already given birth, for two reasons: (1) if you had a difficult pregnancy or difficult birth, it rules you out as a surrogate, whereas having an uncomplicated pregnancy and birth means you can be a surrogate (nobody wants the surrogate or the baby to run any unnecessary risks); and (2) you have to know what birth is like, what it's like to have a baby, so you have some clue of what you're agreeing to do by being a surrogate. And you have to be 35 or under for the same reason as (1)--because pregnancy at later ages is higher risk.

I'm not sure that's true. 

What are you not sure is true?

the studies giving risk above age 35 were looking at downs syndrome, which is due to age of the egg donor, not the age of the surrogate. (and of course the studies were on women carrying their own babies, not surrogacy at all.) while it would make sense that all pregnancy risks are increased with increasing age, there is not medical evidence to support this.

No one is saying ALL risks go up over age 35. However, several risks do--for instance, the risk of preeclampsia (the #1 killer of pregnant women in the developed world), gestational hypertension, and gestational diabetes.

I've heard of exceptions (to both rules) being made for family members.

Yes, exceptions may be made to both surrogacy rules and egg donation rules when it's a family member. Egg donors normally can't be over age 32 in the US, but I've heard of clinics going up to 35-36 with family members (and have also heard of them refusing to go much higher, e.g. 38, because it's so much less likely to work with eggs from a woman that age). As for surrogates, I can see them overlooking the age requirement, but not the "history of healthy pregnancies and uncomplicated births" requirement.