Hvillian - good luck with that I hope things get smoother for the both of you.
We've also been using a budget (we use YNAB) pretty much since we got married about 4 years ago.
Back then, I quickly noticed how our different attitudes towards money required getting stuff in order.
We really stuck to it for about 2 years, even though we had regular (loud) arguments - every monthly budget talk my wife would say she hates it and how we never have any money.
But at the end of they day, that consistency allowed us to save enough to buy an apartment, go on a few vacations, prepare for 2 kids and stay out of debt.
Most of our friends can't even dream about those things.
After the kids were born (now 2 and 1 yrs old), things got a bit out of hand because of the stress and exhaustion that came with raising them.
We recently started to get back on track, but I still hear the same stuff from her.
Ideally, I'd like us to be on the same page, but if not, I've learnt to compromise some and demand some as well.
I also made a point during spring break to take a week off and enjoy every day outdoors together. We didn't go to any malls, any shopping, no TV, no fancy hotel.
The kids had an amazing time. Most of our friends and family just let the time pass instead of making an effort and doing stuff.
I still feel the positive affects of that week on our family.
My wife and I both want to have more of those experiences, so I try to leverage that in order to convince her stop buying stuff with no value.
It's a constant effort I need to make, and it's not easy. I don't expect her to change for good, but I think periodic stuff like that will have lasting effects.
MatthewK - I can relate as well. We live in a neighborhood with many many young families, each with many kids.
We love it, but you can imagine what happens when one kid has a new toy.
The next day, my mother-in-law will already have purchased one or two for our kids.
Also, money isn't really something that most people talk about - other than mentioning how expensive everything is.
Although I do mention in some chats how I think 90% of the stuff we buy is unnecessary, I definitely don't feel comfortable taking the conversation further.
The apartment building is new, so most of us moved in around the same time.
I remember how all the new home-owners were buying furniture, installing fixtures, etc.
I couldn't understand how people could afford all that especially since most of our savings went towards purchasing the apartment.
It's been 1.5 years now and we still have many things we need to get for our home.
This bothers my wife as well as she feels stuck while everyone else is getting ahead.
Sometimes I just want one of the spenders to get into some financial trouble in order for my wife to see how resourceful we are with no debt (other than the mortgage), with a very healthy payment history, with savings, with her being able to not work (she wants to focus on raising the kids), with being able to pay extra mortgage payments and shave off a decade of the loan.
I know I shouldn't, and I quickly try to get those thoughts out of my head, but boy would that have some impact.
Bottom line, I think you need to find areas which you can display as success in being frugal. Wear it as a badge. It's all about perception. It's hard I know.
For instance, I really take to fixing stuff on my own instead of calling a technician. That's something my wife finds special, like I'm some hero.
On the other hand, while I find having less stuff as ideal, I usually come out as "cheap" because the perception is that we can't afford it, instead of something positive.